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Know why Michael keeps his hair short? Because there's no room for follicles in his head, what with that big brain of his taking up all that room. He's that smart. So Michael figures out in, like, five minutes that the guy whom we all thought was an expatriate pimp was, in fact, a stooge of the One World Conspiracy and he brought friends. Then when Michael runs into Sucre, he realizes the whole thing's a set-up: Bellick with the gun is his first tip-off. Sucre saying, "Posting online? Fool, do the Mexican hinterlands strike you as particularly well-wired?" is the clincher.
A short and testy conference later, Michael, Bellick, and Sucre have formed the most acrimonious partnership since the Supremes. They quickly flush T-Bag out of his hotel and racewalk-stalk him. It turns out Mahone's stalking them, but before he can nab Michael, LINCOLN SMASH NOW! Except Mahone's got a few moves of his own. There's a lot of sweating and panting andâ¦well, sorry. I am a little stuck on the sweating and panting and rolling around on the ground. Hang on. I need to review this scene. Again.
The terrible trio manage to collar the stooges of the One World Conspiracy and duct tape them in a local alley. Then they go upstairs to find T-Bagâ¦and the trap set courtesy of a dead hooker. And someone's called the cops, so there's that pressure, and T-Bag locks them in the room, so we now know he's working for the One World Conspiracy. The terrible trio gets out. T-Bag shoots Bellick in the leg and leaves him at the scene -- thereby picking up the very rare framing-for-murder exacta.
Michael and Sucre collar T-Bag and the games really begin. They prepare to drive T-Bag to the U.S. embassy, except it all goes pear-shaped when T-Bag somehow manages to stab Sucre with a screwdriver he just happened to find, and their car goes off the road during the ensuing schmazz. T-Bag then scampers off because his amputation gave him the superpowers necessary to withstand collisions, and sprint through rainforests while carrying $5 million, and find conveniently-equipped-and-abandoned cabins. Then Michael and T-Bag have what can only be described as a "sissy-boy knife fight." Michael wins by stabbing T-Bag's good hand to the floor. Michael, no! You've only made him stronger! Now T-Bag will be able to teleport and kill people with laser beams coming from his eyes. And it's all your fault.
And in other news: Kellerman tried to kill himself! No! Except his gun jammed at the last minute! So he calls his sister and she comes by and tells him she loves him unconditionally and will help him out no matter what. So my little barracuda has himself an existential breakdown. And then! He decides to come forward and testify to the existence of the One World Conspiracy for Dr. Sara, thereby saving her from having to plead to serving 12 years in the prison ofâ¦well, not love.
The episode ends with us learning that Mahone's actually managed to capture Linc. Mahone and Michael have a phone conversation wherein Mahone asks for the $5 million and the Christina Rose in exchange for Lincoln. Will Michael make the swap? We'll find out week. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hey, it's the bucolic Panamanian coastline. Linc is sitting on the deck of the Christina Rose, composing postcards to his absent brother -- "Weather is beautiful. Wish I knew where the fuck you were."
Oh, not really. Linc is not a man of letters. That is also made abundantly clear when he picks up Michael's handheld -- the one displaying the false Sucre message -- and stares at it as if it's about to bite him.
We then cut to beautiful Panama City with the kind of shot that begs for a Phil Keoghan voiceover like, "Although eight of the ten largest skyscrapers in South America are being built in this capital city, much of the city's style reflects its history as a port for gold and silver shipments back to Spain." The music isn't quite on board, though: we're getting the jazzy, caliente version of the theme associated with cons who are up to no good. So that's our cue to cut to T-Bag, who is sitting alone in a hotel room and playing solitaire. He's looking awfully nervous. Perhaps the faces of the many people he's killed have begun floating up before him. Or perhaps he's not looking forward to heading off to the destination written on a piece of paper -- 213 Ave. Olivera, Second Floor, Red Door. Red Door? Like the spa? Why would you possibly be nervous about that -- afraid the manicurist is going to ask awkward questions?
So T-Bag eventually steps out on to the balcony to get some fresh air, and we pan from his spot to one in the courtyard below, where Michael is doing a rotten job of blending into the foliage. That is a hazard associated with dressing like the Unabomber in a country where breezy linen shirts are the norm.
Then we go into a lot of flashbacks detailing T-Bag and Michael's acrimonious history, from the first time T-Bag offered Michael his pocket to the short-lived Seth's plea for help and subsequent suicide, T-Bag's gleeful killing of poor C.O. Bob, his attempt to kill Abruzzi and his charming treatment of the judgmentally-impaired Jeanette.
Frankly, all that sequence does is remind me how much I've missed seeing Michael's tattoos this season. And how much I've missed the sense that the show had a tight plot arc with a well-defined denouement; this season's had a touch of the "wrap up the stories? But we haven't figured out season yet!" to it.
Anyway, Michael snaps out of his reverie long enough to notice the guy who was either expat-gone-pimp or One World Conspiracy stooge. Since he's with another gringo who looks like he ices well-meaning whistleblowers for a living, I call... One World Conspiracy stooge.
So then we get a sequence that leaves us with the following impressions: T-Bag is nervously watching for something; the One World Conspiracy stooges are calmly watching for something; Michael is apparently trying to pull that Luke Skywalker trick of moving things with his mind, if all the intense glaring from beneath his hood is any indication. He glares at some kids playing futbol, then he glares at a trash can, but alas, neither the children nor the trash bin burst into flames.
But I'm okay with it, because the shot is of a gorgeous spit of beach -- white sand, surrounded on either side by intense cerulean water. There is apparently a road in the middle of the spit, and Mahone's taking a cab down the road. Since such a lovely place puts romance on the mind, he whips out the mobile and calls his ex-wife. We get this conversation:
Pam: Hello?
Mahone: Pam, it's me.
Pam: Cameron's napping.
Mahone: How's he doing?
Pam: Good. It was his first day back at school.
Mahone: [grinning] That's great.
Pam: Where are you?
Mahone: I'm, uh, I'm out of the country?
Pam: Is everything all right?
Mahone: [looking at wallet photos of Pam and Cameron] Remember how I always said the day would come and I'd be done? Leave the Bureau and never look back?
Pam: Yes.
Mahone: Today's that day. I have one more thing to do, and once I do it, everything is going to fall into place and I, I'll be done.
Pam: [gasps] I -- I hope you mean it.
Mahone: Pam, if I -- I didn't have this job hanging over me any more, if I were free, if I were free --
Pam:: Alex...
Mahone: I need to know.
Pam: I'm not saying no.
Mahone: [grins, looks around involuntarily for someone to share his pleasure with -- awww!] I will make this right, I swear to God. And you, and me, and Cam --
Pam: I-- I have to go.
Mahone: I never stopped loving you, Pam. Never.
Sobell: [Swoons.] Thud.
Pam: Just be safe, Alex.
Mahone, you should have sent her a cameraphone pic of where you were. That would have made up her mind. Anyway, Mahone is nearly grinning. Because he's in a wrapping-up-loose-ends kind of mood, he calls to check on the two stooges cooling their heels below T-Bag's hotel.
We switch to those guys, and before they can get into a conversation about how the moral quandaries keep them up at night but the One World Conspiracy's dental benefits package really pays off by the time the kids need orthodontia, there's a series of short pops. The beefier stooge reaches for the gun he has strapped to his ankle. Then both men realize they've overreacted to a series of firecrackers going off in a barrel. On the other side of the patio, Michael looks at them and smirks. A little kid comes by and asks, "Es bueno?" "Es bueno," Michael replies, then hands over some money with his thanks. The kid continues, "Necessita los otros?" Michael tells him, "Son tuyos." So here is what I find very interesting about the closed captioning: it has the one sentence as "Necessitas los otros?" which is the second person informal, while the kid is asking in the second-person formal, as befitting the context of the transaction. (These little discrepancies pique my interest more than they should.)
So Michael finally flips back the hood and goes walking off... only to run into Sucre. Sucre does not look happy to see him. Michael asks, "What's wrong?" and that is Bellick's cue to materialize into existence and smirk, "Que paso, Scofield?" I love how Bellick gets even that wrong. He is the gringo to end all gringos. Bellick uses his friend the snub-nosed revolver to nudge Michael into an unoccupied corner of the local market. He gloats about how Michael's no better than the rest of them since he's after the money. Michael is happy to remind him that, as a matter of fact, he is better than the rest of them because he's more concerned about T-Bag's tendency to get stabby than he is about T-Bag's carry-on luggage.
Sucre interrupts then with, "I didn't know you were going to be here, Michael." Michael says something along the lines of, "Of course you did -- you were the one that e-mailed me and told me T-Bag was here." Sucre's disbelieving reaction to that is so genuine, Michael believes him. Because Scofield's got the big brain, he quickly puts together the fake message with the conspiracy stooges. He does not let on to anyone else. Bellick figures Michael will help him collar T-Bag -- or, more precisely, T-Bag's big bag of money -- and he doesn't care if anyone else is standing in the way. Now Michael decides to let everyone know that this is a set-up. Bellick snarls, "Get that little college-boy brain of yours to work, then." To back up his threat, he prods Sucre to tell Michael what's going on with Maricruz. Michael gives Bellick a contemptuous look. Bellick says nonchalantly, "Yeah, I'm a big jerk, Scofield. Shame on me." Despite myself, I begin chortling at that. (Oh, Wade Williams, you do such a good job with this character.) Then Sucre practically begs Michael for help. Bellick asks, "Are you in, or what?" Guess we'll find out after the credits and commercials!
Commercials. Let me be the first to tell y'all: there needs to be a moratorium on using "Baba O'Riley" as the music for anything for the five years. I'm sorry, Cisco, but after the ABC fall season promo with it, the American Beauty ads with it, CSI: NY's credits with it, and the Oakland As using it to make us all excited about the Athletics' storied history, I'm afraid that song's all used up. Perhaps you can use "A Quick One While He's Away."
When we come back, Michael is busy dictating the terms of his participation to Bellick and Sucre: "You get your $5 million, you get Maricruz, and I get T-Bag," Bellick speaks for us all with "win, win, win."
Then we zip to Chicago, where it's soon made plain that the Windy City is giving Alexandria, Virginia a run for its money as the rocket docket. We're already on the third day of testimony in the Dr. Sara case; a voice-over tells us the prosecution is successfully pursuing the "'But he's so dreamy' is not an adequate justification" argument. We go to the courtroom, where the lawyers are dickering over whether or not the recording Michael and Lincoln made should be admitted into evidence. The prosecution argues that the tape's been discredited. Somewhere, Kellerman should be pleased that his handiwork is coming back to vex the woman who ironed his chest. I have to admit: I am one of those people who finds courtroom scenes to be tedious because they're all so much alike -- two people blah-blah-blahing at each other until the judge makes some decision that causes at least one lawyer to yelp in outrage. The only exception to this was in the movie The Toy Wife, wherein the smug lawyer played by Melvin Douglas actually shoots the defendant. Go look for the movie on TCM; it is truly one of those oldies but crazies that has to be seen to be believed.
Anyway, the upshot of the court scene: the tape's admitted. We all get to see Michael say that Dr. Sara had nothing to do with Team Escarpara's unscheduled departure. We also get to watch Dr. Sara make the gooney eyes at Michael's tape. Those two, I swear.
We then cut to a voiceover reciting news about the trial as the camera pans over an Army uniform. We see that it's Kellerman's, it's an Army Ranger uniform, and whatever he was doing, he was apparently very, very good at it. We see Kellerman polishing his academy ring. He then lines up the honors he received while in uniform. It looks like he's got a Purple Heart, and a number of other award medals. We then see him begin to clean a gun. Kellerman, noooooooo!
Speaking of people who may or may not be dying this episode, Bellick is not so smart if he's okay with leaving Michael and Sucre alone with each other. Sucre is muttering about how he'd like to kill Bellick, and Michael's reminder that A) Sucre will go back to prison, where B) there is no Michael to break him out... falls on deaf ears. The love child of Sucre and Maricruz better hope the ability to reason logically isn't tied to any inherited genes, or else he's screwed. Sucre fumes, "Once I find the money, I'm going to make him tell me where Maricruz is, and then I'm going to kill him." Michael says tartly, "If you find Maricruz, you're going to marry Maricruz, and then you're going to live happily ever after." Looks like someone's a little bitter over the events of the last episode. However, Michael should look on the bright side: now that he's broken out of prison once, he can use that experience to streamline the escape process when he breaks out Dr. Sara in season three. Also, Michael deserves kudos for not replying to Sucre's bitching and moaning with, "At least your girlfriend isn't on her way to a Negative Zone prison."
Anyway, Sucre keeps carrying on about how he'd like to kill Bellick, and Michael says, "Bellick and T-Bag will get theirs. Trust me." Sucre snaps, "Didn't Fox River teach you anything? The same rules apply out here. It doesn't make a difference if you're guilty or innocent. It's who survives." "You're not that guy," Michael replies. Sucre insists that he's that guy now, but honestly? He's not that guy. Michael says coolly, "The only reason I'm not five miles away from here right now is because I want to help you find Maricruz, not kill Bellick. If that's your game, I'm gone." The tender south-of-the-border love theme we all associate with the tedious "Sucre and Maricruz's honeymoon tour of Mesoamerica" scenes swells. Michael continues, "I understand the impulse to pull the trigger. But if we lose ourselves, we lose everything." So, what are the odds that the theme this season is "If we lose ourselves, we lose everything"? I mean, we've only seen it with Mahone and his agita over his family. We've only seen it with Kellerman, who appears to be preparing for an afterschool snack of gun barrel. It's just a little rich coming from the guy who first heard it from his brother, then promptly ran off and left the guy.
Anyway, Michael talks Sucre down off the ledge, and they resume watching the two conspiracy stooges. T-Bag is still in his hotel room, tossing cards into his Panama hat. We see Bellick pull a fire alarm. Everyone in the hotel filters out, including T-Bag, who takes care to put the address and a few extra firearms in his pockets before lifting up his big bag of money and taking off.
What then follows is a chase scene... only done at race-walk speed. T-Bag's threading his way through the crowd, the stooges go to follow him, the three unwilling T-Bag-baggers follow the stooges, and Mahone pops out of a doorway and is about to follow Michael when... LINCOLN SMASH!
Mahone and Lincoln fall into a conveniently empty warehouse-type room. A gun goes skidding across the floor. Mahone looks up from the floor just in time to see Lincoln's fist coming down. There's some hitting, but when Lincoln goes to kick Mahone, Mahone manages to grab his leg and bring him down to his level. The two guys get up and circle each other. Mahone warns, "You're not going to like how this ends, Lincoln. I'm giving you a chance, right now. Just back away, all right? Just back away." Linc replies, "You son of a bitch -- you killed my dad. You're done." He swings at Mahone, Mahone ducks, and --
And it's time for commercials. You know, when I think "Clare Danes," I do not think "dancer!" But those Gap pants do look cute. Do they come with a Patrick Wilson-esque manservant to carry me hither and yon?
When we come back, Mahone has Michael in a headlock. Linc is busy trying to shake the smaller-framed man off his back. He finally manages to do so by finding Mahone's bullet wound and digging in. Way to go, Linc! He scampers over to where the gun is, picks it up, and holds it on Mahone, asking, "Those bullet wounds don't heal too good, do they, Mahone?" He then gives Mahone a choice: hand over the handcuffs or discover whether opening one's cranium physically opens one's mind cognitively as well.
T-Bag race-walks over to the destination on his slip of paper. The stooges wait outside. Bellick approaches them, doing his best American tourist impersonation. He's even got the yokel accent and everything. Bellick asks for directions to the Cathedral de Guadalupe is, explaining, "I was supposed to meet my old lady there a half hour ago." Neither stooge is interested in conversation. Dumb stooges! The fastest way to get rid of someone asking directions is to give them directions -- directions that take them far, far away from you. Whether or not they're accurate is your call. The pimp-cum-stooge snaps at Bellick, "Why don't you just keep on walking, pal," and Bellick feigns outrage that Americans would be so snotty to a fellow citizen tourist. The pimp-cum-stooge tells Bellick to beat it, and that's when we realize that Bellick's distraction was successful: because neither stooge heard Sucre sneak up on them, and they don't notice until he cocks the pistol at their heads. Michael then pops up to say hi. Bellick disarms the beefier stooge, and Michael orders the stooges to the alley. Well. That went suspiciously well.
We cut to Kellerman in his hotel room. He's now in his uniform. He's trying to write out his sister's name on what is clearly meant to be a suicide note, but his hand keeps shaking too much for him to write clearly. He grunts in frustration and finally scrawls "Kristine Kellerman." After propping up the letter against his medals, he takes a look in the mirror. We see that Kellerman is pale, clammy, and uncertain-looking. Then he loads his gun. At the click of the bullet in the chamber, Kellerman's resolve returns (noooooooo!). He looks into the mirror, giving it the ghost of a rueful smile. Oh, Magnificent Bastard, what has become of you? I don't approve of this new, can't-live-with-himself version. And I especially do not approve of the sequence where Kellerman gives himself one more look in the mirror, then turns 90 degrees, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.
We cut to Kristine Kellerman, who is busy indoctrinating interns at her unspecified environmental organization. Someone interrupts her with the news, "It's your brother, Paul." Kristine picks up a phone and breathlessly says, "Hello? On the other end, a writer says, "So, was that introduction ambiguous enough for you?"
Meanwhile, Bellick, Michael, and Sucre are busy duct-taping the surprisingly docile stooges to a convenient fire escape. Michael murmurs, "I don't like this. Something's up." Bellick could not care less what Michael does or doesn't like. He and Sucre drag Michael up to the second story of the building where T-Bag is.
Within moments, they've found the closed room in which T-Bag is hiding. T-Bag puts up his good hand, which is holding a gun. Although none of the T-Bag-baggers have their lips moving, we hear a man say, "Slide the gun over." T-Bag eyes them all and says, "We can work something out, boys." Bellick repeats impatiently, "Slide the gun over." T-Bag does and Bellick pockets it, thus bringing the total of firearms on his person to three. He asks about the money. We hear the distant wail of sirens and Sucre asks, "Who called the cops?"
Bellick's in his own world; he wants that money. T-Bag nervously stalls. Why, I have no idea: he has been around each of these men enough to know that they lack the will to kill someone. He's safe as houses. T-Bag finally says the money's in a locked closet. Bellick tells him to get it. Michael is giving T-Bag the Blue Steel. Bellick gets Sucre to open the closet. We see... the hooker from last episode, looking pretty good except for the bullet hole perforating her left pectoral. Sucre gasps Michael's name, and Michael moves over to see what the hell they've gotten themselves into. While he's distracted, T-Bag sprints off. Bellick shoots at him and misses. T-Bag slams the door shut on his way out, and that's how the guys learn they're locked in the room. Naturally, this is when the cops pull up. Bellick realizes this has been a set-up. Michael stares at the dead hooker, aghast that he can't easily figure out if T-Bag killed her or the One World Conspiracy did. Or maybe I'm projecting.
Commercials. Okay, inasmuch as I hate PSAs, I have to admit the one where the mom is talking to the characters on a rough-and-tumble prison show is pretty amusing. And it's contextually appropriate! Well played, FOX media buyers.
Fortunately for our heroes, the police are going up the front stairs. T-Bag is taking the back stairs; not only is it less crowded, it's also been housing his backpack full of money. Michael and Bellick break through the door he took, and Bellick hollers for T-Bag to freeze. In response, T-Bag shoots Bellick in the leg. Michael and Sucre take off after T-Bag. He turns around to look at them, forgetting that he's in the middle of a road. The car that broadsides him and sends him flying provides a handy reminder. Yet because T-Bag is superhuman, he is able to shake off this vehicular assault. Yet he is not yet super-superhuman, because he is not able to shake off the car, grab the big bag of money, and run before Michael can hold a gun on him. And that is how Michael manages to get the big bag of money and T-Bag.
T-Bag gives Michael his most winning smile and drawls, "We can work something out." You have to admit: when that murderous pervert isn't unspooling over Midwestern MILFs, he's an indefatigable optimist. As Michael marches T-Bag out of sight, Sucre stands and watches the police arrest Bellick for yet another murder he didn't commit.
We cut to Michael, Sucre, and T-Bag at an abandoned loading dock. For newcomers to the country, these three have a gift for finding deserted locales. T-Bag is cheerily talking about how they can just divvy up the money and go on their separate ways. Michael orders Sucre to run off and "get us a car," which they will then use to drive to the U.S. embassy for T-Bag's drop-off. Sucre runs off. Michael turns the gun on T-Bag and says, "Looks like you've made some friends lately." "I don't follow," T-Bag stalls. Michael points out, "That set-up back there is a little out of your league. Looked almost professional." T-Bag scrambles for a new level with which to push the odds toward him: "Let's say that's the case. What's it worth to you to find out? Because I am in possession of some information that you might need." Michael says blandly, "Okay. Tell me what you know. Maybe I'll let you walk -- without the money." The two dicker over the odds of that actually happening.
We cut to Kellerman's hotel room. His unmoving gun hand is dangling down and we get a shot of him from the back, sitting in the chair. Kristine comes in and rushes to his side, and we see that this has all been a big fake-out: Kellerman is still alive, and it was he who called Kristine in the last scene. Kellerman sniffles and says, "That is only the second time a weapon has ever jammed on me. First time was during training for Gulf War I. As soon as it happened, the commanding officer got in my face and said, 'Son, a weapon jam on the battlefield -- you might as well call that suicide.'" Kristine takes away Kellerman's gun. He sits up and tells her, "Kristine, I've... done things. Damn." Kristine says it doesn't matter what he's done: "There's a way out -- believe me." Kellerman continues unspooling. This is very unsettling; it's like he's being taken over by the forces of sensitivity and remorse. He says, "My entire -- my entire adult life, I've followed orders and, um, I did terrible things, because I thought they were right, and it turns out I did those things in the service of nothing. So that's what I'm left with -- nothing."
Kristine promises that he's got her, and he's got a clean slate. On one level, this is true, since Agent Kim did officially erase Kellerman's existence. "The things I've done, Kristine," Kellerman weeps. "Undo them," she urges. I look forward to seeing how Kellerman raises the dead in season three. Kristine tells Kellerman there's always a way, pulls him into her arms, and lets him have a good cry.
So Sucre's managed to steal a car. As he drives up, T-Bag is still trying to goad Michael into letting him walk with some money in exchange for some information: "Don't let your pride get in the way now, pretty." You know, if I were T-Bag, I would rethink the strategic deployment of derisive nicknames. Then again, that is perhaps the least imprudent of T-Bag's behavioral quirks. Michael tells Sucre that they're going to take T-Bag to the U.S. embassy, make sure he's deported, then go looking for Bellick. And by "them," Michael means that he will be driving and Sucre will be riding in back with T-Bag. But that shouldn't be a problem because the guys still have the duct tape stashed in one of their pockets, right? Right? RIGHT? T-Bag tells Michael he's being pennywise and pound-foolish. Michael tells him to scoot in and buckle up. T-Bag begins chanting, "Pound foolish, pound foolish, pound foolish."
Then we zoom back to Chicago, where the fastest trial EVER is on the fastest break EVER. Dr. Sara's lawyer, Marty, comes back and tells her about the offer the prosecution's made: twelve years. She says, "No -- the jury heard Michael's tape." The lawyer points out, "They heard a convicted felon lie for a woman he clearly cares for. He's got no credibility. Sara, we need to take a hard look at what they're offering." Dr. Sara points out, "'We' aren't going to prison. I am." Marty points out that Dr. Sara happens to be the only one associated with the breakout who is A) not dead, B) not currently receiving sweetheart deals from the FBI, and C) in custody and on trial. Ergo, she is going to be the scapegoat for this whole sordid mess. Dr. Sara mulls this over, then asks shakily, "Twelve years?"
Then we cut to Linc and Mahone. Mahone is seated at a table, with neither of his hands visible. Linc is leaning against a pillar; one hand is visible and the other is behind him. Apparently, Michael didn't answer the phone back at the boat. Mahone hopes that Michael will make it back to the boat. Linc comments, "You should see yourself: you look like you're hanging in there by a thread." Mahone looks away, then looks back to say, "I just want this over with." Linc replies, "Then you should never have come down here... in case you haven't noticed, me and my brother don't quit for no-one." I just love how the writers are all, "Do we need to point out that Linc is tough? Let us have him mangle the English grammar!" Mahone snaps back to Linc, "Thank God for that, because it's guys like you who keep guys like me in business. Kept guys like me in business, rather." Linc punctures that little bubble: "It's going to end bad for you, man. Couple of things in this world that I'm good at. One of them's looking into a man's eye and knowing when he's beat." Okay, I can see where that is more useful than knowing when to use the subjective pronoun versus the objective pronoun.
Meanwhile, in the car of felons, we see that no, the guys have NOT restrained T-Bag. Oh, Michael -- a brain the size of a planet, a lifetime's experience with this wily human cockroach, and yet you cannot combine the two to conclude that the only way you're getting T-Bag to that embassy is if he is tied up more tightly than William Shatner's corset? Naturally, T-Bag manages to find a screwdriver that was rolling around on the floor of the car, then uses it to stab Sucre in the gut. This unanticipated glitch in Michael's plan so unsettles him, he steers the car off the road. Of course, Sucre's screaming might have also helped distract him.
Commercials. So am I to understand that someone dramatized and serialized the Cannonball Run movies, then called it Drive? Will we at least get blooper reels after each episode? I would love to see Nathan Fillion say, "These bleeds right here?" while everyone laughs. Please?
So how fitting that we go from Fox's new auto/erotic series to Michael getting out of the now-wrecked stolen car. As he goes to check on the punctured Sucre, another car screeches over to the side of the road to see if everything's okay. (Quick answer: no.) Michael screams in Spanish for the guy to call an ambulance, then resumes inspecting the prodigiously bleeding Sucre. Naturally, this is when the uninjured T-Bag manages to sidle out of the car, grab his ill-gotten millions, and sprint off. Of course. Every bodily insult only serves to amplify T-Bag's supernatural powers, doesn't it?
In that special, gasping voice reserved for television's hyperarticulate injured people, Sucre urges Michael to sprint after T-Bag and the money. So Michael urges the guy by the side of the road to come on down and resume direct pressure on Sucre's sucking abdominal wound, then sprints off after T-Bag and the money.
A chase scene ensues. The guys run through what seems like four different biomes before finally ending up on the usual haunt: the well-stocked-yet-deserted cabin in a clearing by a lake. T-Bag gets there first, then grabs a conveniently-in-view knife. Michael comes in, and T-Bag waves it at him.
Then T-Bag asks, "What exactly is it that you want, pretty?" Perhaps he would like it if you called him something else. I'm just spitballing here. Michael closes the door and tells T-Bag he's turning him in. T-Bag is like, "Really?" Then he collects himself and says, "It isn't about the money? 'Cause if it is, you can tell me. Ain't nobody here but us cons." Michael says, "You can walk or get dragged. But it's up to you." T-Bag notes that it's really up to the better-armed person in this little debate: "So I'm going to spell out the present options. Either we split this money and you can go get your legs tattooed or whatever the hell it is you want, or they'll find your corpse slumped over that there chair with your pants down around your ankles, 'cause it's been a looooooooong time coming, pretty." Michael just gives him a look like, I'm armed with the Blue Steel. What else do I need?
So Michael walks over to the stove, picks up the wine bottle conveniently on top of it, then breaks it off. Naturally, it shatters into the perfect weapon. Michael gives T-Bag a dark grin and growls, "Whenever you're done yakking." T-Bag replies, "Bring it, bitch." And it get brought.
Surprisingly, Michael does not end up with his ass whupped and his pants around his ankles. Instead, he manages to use the backpack to deflect T-Bag's knife, and when T-Bag can't get the knife out, Michael uses the money to knock T-Bag down. However, T-Bag doesn't have a moment to reflect upon the irony of his current predicament. He's too busy noticing how Michael's pinned him down and has one hand to his throat and the other holding a knife at eye level. T-Bag begins laughing at the shaking blade, asking, "Who are you fooling? You ain't gonna kill me, Mister Michelangelo. You ain't got it in you, so why don't you just let me do the killing --"
We cut to Michael raising the knife and bringing it down, we get a brief shot of T-Bag's screaming face -- and then we cut to Dr. Sara in the court room. Marty says, kindly, "Here's how the plea is going to go down... " As Dr. Sara does a great job of not bawling, Marty explains that she'll have to say she intentionally left the prison infirmary door open, and that she intentionally gave support and comfort to Michael Scofield. She does not have to say that she loved every minute of it. Marty adds, "The prosecution is asking that you do your time in a maximum security facility. I think the judge is going to agree to that." Dr. Sara shakily asks, "With good behavior, how many years of my sentence can I expect to serve?" Marty tells her it'll be nine years. Trying to look on the bright side, Dr. Sara says, "I'll be out before I'm forty." Just then, Lawyer B (whose name is never given) rushes over and says, "A very credible witness has just come forward, and he's willing to testify. He'll corroborate everything you've said about this conspiracy." The door opens... and in walks Paul Kellerman. Dr. Sara gapes. I immediately place a bet on the likelihood of a courtroom assassination in the episode.
Back in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the policemen are running around. They hear T-Bag shouting for help in the cabin. Of course T-Bag is still alive. However, we see that Michael's tied his legs to a chair and pinned T-Bag's good arm to the floor with the knife. Is it too much to hope that the wound gets gangrenous? Or would cutting off another limb only give T-Bag more superpowers, like the ability to talk to animals or use telekinesis?
Michael and the money are arriving back at the Christina Rose. It takes him but a moment to establish that Linc isn't there. These two -- they need to leave notes for each other, I think. Michael pulls out his phone and begins to call around to hospitals for Sucre, but another call beeps on the line.
Michael asks, "Linc?" and Linc drones, "I'm sorry, man." He hands the phone over to Mahone, who says hello. Michael threatens, "If you touch my brother, you're a dead man." Mahone rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, please. You don't have to worry about that. When it comes down to it, he's just like you. He has a heart that won't kill a man." We cut back to the gimme-handcuffs scene, and that's when we learn that Mahone kicked Linc's legs out from under him, quickly disarmed him, and cuffed him to a water pipe. Back in the present, Michael asks, "What do you want, Alex?"
Mahone asks, "I'll tell you exactly what I want. But first things first: when the authorities captured Bagwell today, the money was nowhere to be found. Now, I can only assume that you've got the money aboard the Christina Rose right now. It's an amazing plan, Michael -- take the money, take the boat, then disappear forever. But you are not the only one that needs to disappear." Michael gives the phone a disgusted look. Mahone orders, "I'm going to say this only once: bring me the money, and bring me the boat." Michael says, "You are out of your mind." "Not really," Mahone shrugs dismissively. He points out, "We both have something the other person needs. It comes down to this, Michael. Your brother for your plan. Five minutes -- that's what you have."
Ah, but we have to wait a lot longer to see how this shakes out. I am awaiting the scene where the ghost of Westmoreland comes on all, "Woooooooo. The money is cursed because you didn't visit my daughter. Repent! Repent!" Let's hope it happens.