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After last week's action-packed episode, this one feels like a little plateau -- a chance for the show to catch its breath and lay down the groundwork for the big, dramatic episode. In no particular order, here's what happened:
Kellerman continues to display his dazzling, evil genius by positioning "Lance" the recovering addict as Dr. Sara's new gay best friend. Not only does this give him access to Dr. Sara's apartment, it also prevents him from being hunted down and killed by Michael/Sara 'shippers.
Mahone continues to be freakishly brilliant, going so far as to piece together the whole D.B. Cooper thing in ten minutes. He spends the resulting spare time getting snippy with his dealer and staring at his birdbath, no doubt wondering if there's room for Michael's corpse below it. Good to know he's planning ahead.
Tweener is apparently quite the tiger between the sheets, if Debra Jean's reaction to seeing his mug shot is anything to go by. Instead of turning him in to the cops, she merely suggests that he steal her car. He takes her up on that offer.
T-Bag demonstrates that he needs another nickname -- T-Bionic, if his feats of crushing strength are to be believed. He hops to the exact Utah town where the loot is buried, nicks the map to the ranch, intimidates Tweener, and muscles his way out of the car trunk that Michael and Linc locked him in.
The Unspooling of Michael Scofield continues as he realizes getting the loot will not be so easy as he had hoped it would be. In addition to T-Bag and Tweener's unwelcome presences, there's also the pesky matter of a suburban tract that's been built over the burial spot.
Sucre goeszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Sorry. The plotline some of you aptly dubbed "Mari-Snooze" appears to be over with her wedding in Vegas, and now he's got nothing to live for. Except, perhaps, the buried millions in Utah
So you see, there's a lot of build-up, but not a whole lot in the way of resolution. Enjoy the wait to week! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Prison Break: that new guy who's recapping Kidnapped came in and covered for me.
So the episode opens in a big green field. The caption says it's "Highway 150, 75 miles east of Salt Lake City, Utah." Granted, I only drove through Salt Lake City one time, and granted, I did take I-80 from the east, but I seem to remember Utah being a whole lot less green and a whole lot less flat. KEXP -- "More Exposition, Fewer Commercials All The Time!" -- helpfully tells Michael and Linc that the bad news is, they are still wanted men, but the good news is that Michael no longer has to worry about waking up to Abruzzi's pop-eyed visage intoning, "Yuuuuuh will tell me where Feeeb-oh-nah-chi is, eh, fish?" Linc rumbles, "I didn't think Abruzzi would be the first to eat it." Michael plays oracle with, "I have a feeling we're in for a lot of surprises." Yes -- particularly in November and May. Linc points out, "[The radio] said seven are still out there -- so much for faking our deaths." Michael pettishly points out that he was merely buying them some time. He does not add, "And by the way, I didn't notice you crafting a prison escape plan. Hmmm?" But he does something similarly immature, asking, "Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?"
Then the brothers get into a testy conversation about where they're really driving to: Michael is dead set on getting Westmoreland's stash, while Linc floats a trial balloon over the idea that they can just pick up L.J. and road-trip to Panama. Michael loses it, shouting that they can't get out of the country and set up a life of bucolic non-extradition until they get the darn money. Linc points out, "I think some other guys are thinking the same thing." Why, who could those other guys be?
We go to a black-and-white flashback of the Silver Fox (sob!), looking considerably more gray than silver, and explaining that he made off with $5 million, not $1 million. We see Tweener, T-Bag and C-Note all listening in to Westmoreland's painstaking instructions on where to dig outside of Tooele, Utah. When we snap back to the present, Michael is looking out the car window. His dreamy expression seems to ask, Where can my Escarpara teammates be?
Why, the episode will tell us. One of them is currently on a train rushing through Green River, Wyoming. It would be C-Note, who is wearing an ensemble meant to communicate to the world that he's the type of harmless guy whose mother still dresses him. He's semiotically confused: fortysomething men whose mothers still dress them generally tend to make people think "Do I hear those shrieking violins from Psycho?" not "My, what a gentle and inoffensive soul." Anyway, the ticket-taker asks C-Note for his fare, and C-Note gives some cock-and-bull story about how when he got on the train in Cheyenne, the good folks there gave him an already-torn ticket; this is meant to convey that he is riding fare-free. Why C-Note couldn't have actually bought a ticket is an unanswered question, as is this one: "What did he do with the cash Michael gave him?"
Meanwhile, at a little fleabag hotel in Mack, Colorado -- 10 miles from the Utah/Colorado border, the caption informs us -- Peter Murphy croons about being under the milky way tonight and I wonder why on Earth we're getting old-school Goth classics in a scene involving Tweener. He probably thinks Goth is what you play with a ball and some clubs. Anyway, we are witness to what is presumably the tender post-coital chit-chat. Debra Jean is whispering dreamily, "I don't want to go home. I think we should just keep driving." Tweener opines, "I don't think your pops would go for that." Debra Jean doesn't want to think about Colonel Dad: she wants to talk about the two of them taking off for Hawaii. Tweener points out you can't exactly drive to the Aloha state. Anyway, their tender musings in re: road trips not taken are interrupted by a knock on the door. As Debra Jean rolls out of bed to see who it is, Tweener's all, "Don't get it. Stay here." Yeah, that is not suspicious AT ALL. She looks out the window and reports, puzzled, "It's a cop." Tweener's exit from the bed is a Wile E. Coyote moment: his little legs are cycling and he's doing one of those horizontal-running-across-the-room-in-a-puff-of-smoke things as he heads to the bathroom. Either this is a drearily common occurrence in Debra Jean's love life, or she's sort of dense, because she does not even blink. She's also ignoring Tweener's pleas, most of which fall along the lines of: "You should really not open the door to the cops."
Too late! She's opened the door, and a cop apologizes for disturbing her before whipping out Tweener's mug shot and asking her if she's seen the aforementioned con. Debra Jean's eyes go wide, and in the bathroom, the spying Tweener begins to panic.
Naturally, this is when we go to the credits. I would then tell you what the commercials are, but in keeping with the recapping-in-odd-places streak I've inadvertently sustained (my mom's wedding reception, a garage sale I threw, a friend's dining room), I'm currently reviewing this episode on my laptop at an Athletics game. Go A's!
Enough about me. We're back to the show and Debra Jean is pretending to study the photo while the cop apologetically says that a few people called last night claiming to see someone who looks like Tweener in the area, so they're going door-to-door. In the bathroom, Tweener sighs. Debra Jean then asks why the police are looking for her swain; the cop breaks it to her that Tweener's no inexplicably idiotic college student, but an inexplicably alive escaped convict. The cop asks, "Have you seen him?" and after a long, tense moment, Debra Jean steadily lies, "No. He doesn't look familiar." When the cop leaves, Debra Jean heads for the bathroom. Tweener comes out. He's unsure what he should be panicking over more: the relentless manhunt, or the fact that in the Lying Olympics, his new girlfriend could easily hold her own against T-Bag. He then does some extremely fast talking, "This is not what it looks like. All I stole was a baseball card, a'ight? I'm not like those other fools." Tweener gives Debra Jean the full puppy-eyes-trembling-lips treatment. She stares back, still backed against the door. She finally says, "I'm going to go for a walk, okay? I'm going to leave my keys [on the table], okay? And when I come back, my car will be gone. I'm sure, in a few hours, they'll find it somewhere, abandoned." Tweener is looking unexpectedly solemn at this. Please don't tell me he was entertaining Bonnie-and-Clyde fantasies about he and Debra Jean criss-crossing the countryside on their ill-gotten gains. Right as Debra Jean reaches the door, Tweener implores her to wait, then says sincerely, "I wish it could be different." "I have to go," she replies. I personally am still amazed that she's helping Tweener along like this. The man must be a tiger between the bed sheets. Perhaps removing the steady servings of Avocado from his diet improved his appetites considerably.
Meanwhile, Michael and Lincoln roll into town. They debate how you pronounce Tooele, and Linc wryly adds, "A hell of a town." Nice double shout-outs to Chicago and the chairman of the board, my man! Michael confidently says, "Small is good -- it means the ranch will be easier to find. All we have to do is get the money, and we'll be out of here by nightfall." He puts on his baseball cap, effectively peeling 20 years off his age, then resumes staring out the window, juuuuuust missing T-Bag lurching down the street. I thought it was T-Bag's arm that got whacked and reattached, not his leg?
Back in that hell of a town, Mahone's strolling into the FBI office. Lang instantly blurts out that soil tests from the car-crash site and confirmed that neither Burrows nor Scofield had returned to clay. She also hips us to the fact that T-Bag merely assaulted that teenager's dad in Nebraska, not killed him, so all you T-Bag fans can continue to make apologies for your favorite cartoon villain -- I mean, poor, misunderstood sociopath. Mahone is like, "Pederast, schmederast, what do you have on Scofield?" He adds in a shouty voice, "What does anybody have on Scofield?" The entire office falls silent and sends each other IMs reading "Why doesn't he just take out an ad on America's Most Wanted asking, 'Do you like me -- check yes ( ) or no ( )'?" Some computer nerd pipes up that he's got some results from the hard drive they recovered from the river. I do not know what disappoints me more -- that the writers actually Went There with the whole finding-the-hard-drive thing, or that Michael "I've thought of everything" Scofield didn't think to ERASE THE DRIVE.
The upshot to this scene is that all the computer nerd has found so far are scanned articles on D.B. Cooper. However, since Mahone is Michael's Mind Mate, you can be assured that in mere minutes, Mahone will have figured eeeeeeeverything out. That's not tiresome at all. Nope. Not. At. All.
Out in Tooele, Michael has found two extremely rare things: a working pay phone with a fully-intact phone book, and a genuine hayseed in overalls and a floppy straw hat. After Michael has used the phone book to determine that there is no public listing for the Double-K ranch, Linc collars the hayseed to ask if he would happen to know anything about the ranch. He is one menacing man when he growls, "Double K ranch." After the doughty native manages to escape Linc, the ungrateful escapee turns to Michael and concludes, "Looks like Westmoreland spent his last breath blowing smoke up your ass." Michael begins to outline Plan B: there will be county maps outlining every plot for tax purposes. The maps are typically in assessors' offices. Michael points to some building bedecked in Gothic crenellations, then concludes, "It's going to be in there." Linc whips off his glasses, looking for all the world like he's casing the joint in anticipation of a B&E. He then points to a passel of uniforms going by and grunts that there are a lot of cops around the building.
Meanwhile, as Tweener drives through the rolling green fields of Utah (I know... ), we hear Debra Jean's voiceover as she lies about her car just having been stolen. We get a close-up of Tweener's face, and it's clear that he's still miffed that he and freaky D didn't get a chance to do much cuddling. He pulls over to the side of the road. Fighting tears, he wipes off the steering wheel and the door, then writes "Aloha" on a dusty window before heading off on foot.
Back in Chicago, Kellerman's having a meeting with another foot soldier in the One World Conspiracy. This one's named Mr. Kim. He tells Kellerman he's in the Windy City because he'd love to know how this whole finding-the-framed-killer thing is going. Kellerman curtly replies, "Sara Tancredi. I'm on it." Kim asks all passive-aggressive-like, "Is pursuing her the best use of your time?" Kellerman assures Kim that it is, reasoning that Sara's in contact with Michael, so she will eventually lead Kellerman right to his prey. Kim continues to mess with Kellerman's head by saying in the same mildly skeptical tone, "All right. If you're that confident, I'll contact the president." Kellerman says confidently that he'll talk to Madame President Evil, but Kim swaddles himself in a cloak of ineffable smugness, then peeks out from its snowy folds to say, "I'll contact the president." And y'all know, I want to like Kim, but after my Quinn-fatuation of last season came to an abrupt and sticky end, I'm thinking that it might be wise to see how long Mr. Kim sticks around before I begin the soulful sighing.
A few blocks away in her spacious apartment, Dr. Sara's looking over her mail. I'd pay more attention, but I'm sort of distracted by her décor -- it has a very Domino-by-way-of-Crate and Barrel look about it, and if the set decorators did use Chi-town merchant-made-good Crate and Barrel, my hat is off to them. Also, if they could write me and tell me where they got that beautiful espresso-colored wooden bench, I'd be much obliged. Anyway. Dr. Sara has gotten a letter from Michael. We know this because the lettering is incredibly precise, and it's not really a letter so much as it is an origami crane with a numeric sequence reading "736â¢339â¢8687." Dr. Sara looks at it all, "Baffling and incomprehensible? It must be Michael... " Tellingly, as she's looking at the pale blue bird, we get a voice-over from her meeting leader saying, "Making amends means much more than saying, 'I'm sorry... '"
We transition to the meeting and the leader continues about how it's important to extend honesty, courage, and compassion when you extend your apology. I half-expect to see Kellerman writhing in the aisle of the church, screaming, "The words, the words, they burn, they burn!" The meeting ends with the leader saying everyone needs to earn their forgiveness, and then as Dr. Sara leans back, there's Kellerman with a blissed-out, contemplative look on his face. Heeeee. I love it. He is so detail-oriented with his deceit!
Kellerman waits for everyone to leave, then says, "I've got a great idea... since you are such a fan of lame, store-bought blueberry pie, I'm going to bake you a real pie of your choice tonight." Excuse me. I have to go swoon at the prospect of seeing Kellerman in a little apron reading, "Shoot the chef" and brandishing a piping-hot apple pie. Dr. Sara gives Kellerman a long look, then says she can't. As she looks away, she says in a rush, "I really don't need to be seeing anyone right now who isn't my therapist." Sadly, we have a tight shot of her face so we can't see if she is indeed sporting a thought bubble reading, "Why am I always the girl people hit on at these meetings? Do I look easy?"
Because he is such a DELIGHTFULLY EVIL GENIUS, it takes Kellerman only a moment to recover. He says, "I've been a hermit too. My partner Daniel's been away --" if, by "away," you mean "currently away from this plane of existence thanks to my actions" -- "and I've been sitting around, by myself, kind of pathetic." The way he snaps "pa-THET-ic," it's so... again, with the detail-oriented play-acting. Anyway, Dr. Sara's relieved to assume that Kellerman is actually gayer than a Kentucky Derby hat, and Kellerman totally takes this and runs with it, saying, "No, we'd actually make pie and watch... Fried Green Tomatoes." Do I even have to tell you how I shrieked in delight when I reviewed this part? Fortunately, the other denizens of the left bleachers thought I was excited about Nick Swisher's homer. Anyway, Dr. Sara initially blows him off with "I have to clean my apartment tonight," but as Kellerman's walking away, she calls out to his back, "Do you deliver?" We are privy to his smirk.
And now, back to Agent Mahone, who is scanning Michael's collection of articles and wondering if he'll find a text file in there reading "M seeking M: am looking for ridiculously smart junkie who enjoys the chase... " Mahone gets up to go push pins in his map and sweat a little, and after a moment or two, he goes scrabbling for the black pen, only to discover that it's empty. He looks haunted, then trapped, and it is the poor computer nerd's sorry fate to pop up right around this time. A flustered Mahone tells the guy to put the pile of print-outs on the desk. The computer nerd asks, "Does any of this stuff mean anything?" and Mahone snaps, "I don't know -- ask me later." Failing to pick up this social cue, Computer Nerd asks, "Do you think he's a genius or a whack job?" Mahone gets even snappier, saying, "I think we answered that question when we assigned a hundred agents to the case. Now why don't you get me more drugs? I mean printouts!"
Meanwhile, in beautiful downtown Tooele, T-Bag is awkwardly negotiating a bag of purloined Cheetos with his one working paw. As he gobbles the fauxd (faux + food, you see -- alert Rich Hall!), who to his wandering eye should appear but Tweener? T-Bag quickly ducks out of sight, the better to grab the young escapee as he strolls on by. As he flings his arm around Tweener and sings, "Well, lack-a-day, I just found me an in-betweener!" the other con's eyes bug out in horror. I am no fan of the character, but I have to give major plaudits to Lane Garrison for making that moment so darn convincing. This has been his stand-out episode, acting-wise. Using his good arm to grip Tweener tightly around the neck, T-Bag walks him down the block. Tweener is too scared to summon the presence of mind to reach over and twist hard on T-Bag's re-attached wrist. T-Bag forces him up against a wall and asks him where he's going. "None of your beeswax, yo," Tweener says unhappily. The "yo" has to be the product of an involuntary brain stem function. T-Bag does a lot of posturing and hissing about how there's going to be a Team Escarpara reunion, saying, "The stars are collidin' in Tooele, my friend," but Tweener sacks up and huffs, "This ain't Fox River! I don't need any of you!" T-Bag pins Tweener again -- how? I ask you. HOW? -- and he flaps his motley purple frankensteinian appendage in Tweener's face, saying, "As you can see, I need you." Again, I am totally baffled as to why Tweener doesn't just, like, bite or something. Tweener does eventually manage to wrestle himself free and says, "I don't need nothing from you! Nothing!" T-Bag watches him walk off, then sing-songs, "You might, if a man knew where he was supposed to be looking." The camera pulls in on The Last Temptation of Tweener.
And then we go to a blurry shot reading "100 miles outside Las Vegas, Nevada." You know, having made many road trips to Las Vegas in my time, I can assure you that the desert city is not surrounded by rolling prairie. I can also assure you that this plot to have Sucre interrupt the planned Hector/Maricruz nuptials is wearying. Someone needs to hand Sucre a copy of He's Just Not That Into You with little "s"s scribbled in front of every "he." Although I have to say, the biker-jacket-and-Kangol thing is really working for him. Sucre, forget that faithless dishrag and return to the dating pool! However, he ignores my advice and actually finds out where the wedding will be held.
Back in Tooele, Linc and his billowing shirt cross the street, followed by the nattily-attired Michael. As they approach the building, Linc balks, but Michael soothes him with, "Stay calm and we'll be out of here in ten minutes." So then, in a ha-ha-oh-that's-Alanis-Morisette-ironic twist, Linc sails on through the building's metal detector while Michael is detained for his watch. He attempts to take it off without revealing his tattooed wrists, but going from the guard's furrowed brow, it's not clear whether he succeeds. The guys sprint to the map room. As Michael pages through a book, explaining, "This is exactly what we need. It's a map -- parcels of land, topography, buildings, everything ... " Linc gives him a look like Muttering about how you need a map isn't at all suspicious. Dork. The clerk is giving Michael the fisheye too. Linc notices that right as Michael whispers excitedly, "Karl Kolkosa! Double K!" (Aw! I love how Michael's excitement at solving a problem successfully just pops out.) However, Michael's elation is short-lived because the map he needs, map 1213, happens to have been torn out of the book. Linc is increasingly nervous, and he prods Michael into going. The two of them are sort of wigging out -- Linc over the prospect of getting caught, Michael over his beautiful solution being thwarted -- and we get a full 20 seconds of Michael giving the camera the Blue Steel. And then it's commercial time.
Or it would be, if I weren't watching this via my iTunes download. Just pretend this is the seventh-inning stretch.
When we get back, Linc is striding down the hall with the shirt unbuttoned halfway to his navel and his chest gleaming very purposefully. Michael bobs along in the wake of all this testosterone and says, "Someone got to the map before us. It's the only explanation." They both look out a window and finally see T-Bag strolling along. Linc notes flatly that "the son of a bitch is still alive."
Then the two of them execute what can only be Lincoln's plan: as Michael strides out in plain sight of T-Bag, prompting him to yell, "Hey, pretty!," Linc sneaks up behind T-Bag and gets him in a headlock, snarling, "What you going to do -- scream?" They round a corner, and Linc expresses his disgust at T-Bag's tenacity by tossing him on the hood of a car. Michael saunters up and says, with a smirk on his face and an exaggerated drawl in his voice, "What'd you do to yo' haaaaand?" In between whimpers, T-Bag turns to look at Michael and deadpans, "I recently had some work done." Haaaaaa. Linc gets a little pushy when he asks where the map is; as T-Bag is bounced on the hood of the car, he protests that he doesn't have it. Eventually, the boys let T-Bag stand up, and he pins the blame on Tweener, saying the little thief lifted it. T-Bag is also an evil genius; I sort of wish he and Kellerman could go head to head because I think it would be interesting to see how that would go. It would sort of be like having a shark wrestle an alligator, you know?
We then whisk several hundred miles to the east, all the better to go to the governor's mansion. An angry-looking Governor Dad is being told by his advisors, "The best thing you can do is do nothing." Governor Dad testily says, "That's how I'm going to get confirmed as vice president by the U.S. Senate? I'm going to do nothing." A second aide replies unctuously, "It shows you can do the job." Then they all pause for a good laugh while they contemplate the possibilities of tossing lucrative contracts to their corporate cronies, spearheading disastrous foreign policy, and shooting their friends in the face during duck hunts. Governor Dad's phone rings. He checks it and notes, "It's my daughter." So then, of course, he doesn't answer it. The older of the two aides gets a look on his face like someone just passed gas -- loudly. The younger aide says, "Sir, we need to talk about your daughter... the media is all over this Fox River situation, we think it would be best if you could distance yourself from this --" "If I hear this one more time... I paid her bail, I walked away!" Governor Dad replies angrily. It's evident now that he would have preferred a different course of action. He walks off to collect himself, leaving the cell phone on the table as collateral.
We then cut to Dr. Sara leaving a very sweet and heartfelt message for Governor Dad: "Hey, Dad, it's me. When you get a chance, I really need to talk to you about some things. Actually, a lot of things. The most important one is that, um, I owe you an apology. I realize that, uh, that I've made things difficult for you lately, and I want to take responsibility for that." The doorbell rings, so she wraps up her phone message and opens the door to Kellerman, who's now totally her new gay best friend with the "Hii-yiiiii, I know I'm early but I brought dinner?"
Meanwhile, C-Note is still riding that train. He finally asks the lady to him if he can check his e-mail. She's all, "Not at all," and he purrs, "You're so kind." Not that it would have made much sense for him to pull this act in Fox River or anything, but wow, is it a shift from his usual M.O. The lady hands over her laptop, and C-Note quickly logs into a U.S. Army site (the screen says "Signal Corps." So what the show's saying here is that guys who are dishonorably discharged aren't barred from sensitive security systems? Anyway, C-Note enters the "K&K ranch," quickly gets a set of mapped coordinates -- along with the news that the ranch is zoned for residential and commercial development -- and then everything goes pear-shaped. The ticket-taker comes back because he's double-checked C-Note's story, and while C-Note's smooth talking worked on the lady to him, the conductor takes a dimmer view of being lied to. C-Note pulls the "Come on, brother" card and the conductor's all, "Oh, I don't think so. Officers! Sit with this man until the authorities meet him at the stop." C-Note's all, "Oh, I don't think so," and turns to run down the train. He soon concludes that he'll have to jump off in a very dramatic fashion. The camera zooms in on him plunging into a conveniently deep river below.
At FBI headquarters, the news that C-Note was sighted jumping out of a train in Preston, Idaho, prompts Lang to ask, "What is a black man from Chicago doing in Preston, Idaho?" Engaging in a little potato tourism? Mahone rattles off that both C-Note and T-Bag have never been west of the Mississippi, so it's not like they're catching up with long-lost friends. He punches the board and says, "They're headed west and we need to know why." Lang gives him a look like Sit tight, Mahone -- I'm sure you'll figure it out in five minutes.
Out in Tooele, T-Bag's standing in front of Michael and Linc's car and looking very nervous. He has good reason to -- Linc has just pulled another bad-ass move and opened the trunk. He turns to look at T-Bag meaningfully, and T-Bag begins saying. "Ah, no. No, no, no, no... " "In," Linc says forcefully, using Mister Pistol to punctuate his pithy command. T-Bag climbs in. As Linc closes the lid, T-Bag begins yelling, "You're coming back! You're coming back, right? Right?" Linc mutters, "Yep," as he strides off. Michael wheels around and follows him, a spring in his step and a song -- "Panicky T-Bag in C-Major" -- in his heart. The two of them are off to find Tweener.
The lad is still tooling around downtown, not sticking out like a sore thumb in his shoplifted university togs and Fox River trot. He heads into a place called Wood's Garden Center, and we soon establish exactly what sort of person mans the counter at this place: the kind who enjoys boasting about the feckless things he does while burning off massive amounts of fossil fuel. It's macho and wholesome to squander a non-renewable resource! Tweener picks out a shovel. He looks totally edgy. The mulletman behind the counter picks up on this.
Mulletman asks what Tweener's planning on digging, and Tweener lies, badly, "Some stuff in my grandpa's yard." Mulletman leers that he's "got a bigger one in the back, if you're going deep," and God as my witness, I thought we were about to head into a Deliverance-style moment. Tweener thinks so too; his face shows that he's in the throes of an Avocado flashback. Mulletman continues chatting up Tweener, all, "Do I know you?" and honestly, if I were Tweener, I'd be all, "Yeah, you know, I've changed my mind" and just roll on down to the nearest Home Depot, since the odds of someone taking a close personal interest in him there are near zero.
Anyway, Tweener's all, "Let's ring this up" and Mulletman decides that he'd rather put a ringing in Tweener's ears, whacking him with the stick he keeps by the cash register. Mr. sobell stops rocking back and forth (we're at the bottom of the ninth and the A's have just blown the lead) to say approvingly, "I like this guy." Mulletman continues to beat the snot out of Tweener, saying, "I seen you on TV. You're one of them Fox River boys!" We go to what would be the commercials. I try to cheer up Mr. sobell by offering to show him the last few seconds of Tweener's beating over and over again.
When we resume, Mulletman is dragging Tweener into the storeroom. I can't stop hearing him all "I've got a bigger one if you're going in deep" and wow, wouldn't that just make Tweener's day even worse? Anyway, Mulletman is binding Tweener's wrists in the back. Who should happen to stroll in through the front but Michael? Mulletman tries to call lightly, "We're closed!" but Michael sees the stick and the hat and pulls a Mahone, i.e. instantly deduces exactly what happened. He just stands there, waiting for Mulletman to come out.
Sure enough, the guy does and Michael just stays there, smirking. Mulletman reiterates that he's closing, then gives Michael another look, saying, "Hold on. Stay there... " Michael merely smiles. In the back, Tweener groans and Mulletman turns to look. When he turns back, Michael hits him. Holy cow, Scofield! I can't believe you didn't actually just stare him into submission, since that tactic worked so well on all your Fox River antagonists. Mulletman goes down for only a moment, then recovers enough to tackle Michael. It is on.
Well, not really. It turns out that the reason Michael didn't do a lot of hitting is because he's not very good at it. Mulletman has pinned Michael and is gloating about how he's going down like his buddy. It appears not to have crossed his mind that if there are two cons hanging around, there may well be three. Linc's boot to his kidneys suddenly raises that possibility. (Also, it cracks me up that Linc is so nonchalant about pummeling anyone who's picking on his brother. I have a feeling this is a dynamic that is older than Tweener.) Linc then uses Mister Pistol to persuade Mulletman to take a walk, while Michael tends to Tweener.
Meanwhile, back at the car, T-Bag has managed to use his brute strength to kick open the trunk. No, really. Yeah, he's still recovering from his amputation and re-attachment antics. Yeah, he's still wiry. I can only conclude that he's also bionic.
Also meanwhile, in this week's designated "Plotline that I could have done without," Sucre has found the church, he's found the steeple, he's opened the door, but he sees no people. Specifically, he does not see Maricruz. He gets her sister Theresa instead. Sucre says "hello" by slapping a hand across the young lady's mouth and telling her he's perfectly harmless, he just wants to see the blushing bride. Theresa says, "She's getting her picture taken with our mom and dad. The wedding's at 2:30!" A panicky Sucre says he needs to see Maricruz, pleading, "She's the mother of my kid. Please! You don't want her to marry Hector, do you?" It is clear from Theresa's face that nobody likes Hector. She promises to see if she can get Maricruz. Sucre kisses her hand in heartfelt gratitude. More people should do that -- it's utterly charming. I mean, it would be weird at work and I'd hate to have my waitress do it at a restaurant but... well, you know where I'm going with this. Theresa leaves Sucre in a dressing room.
Well, it turns out Kellerman can cook -- or he picked up some good take-out. As Dr. Sara swirls her chopsticks around a bowl, she asks, "Do you know who I am?" Kellerman looks up, and for a moment, it seems like he's wondering if he's been found out. Then he's back to playing Rupert Everett to Dr. Sara's Julia Roberts, and he says that he did happen to see the news, yes. He adds archly, "I don't care. I've got some skeletons in my closet too. One of them wears a dress." I'm trying to remember what Mrs. Hale was wearing when we saw her last; I have an unpleasant feeling she did not survive her visit with Kellerman. Dr. Sara thanks Kellerman for being so cool, adding, "I appreciate your lack of judgment." Kellerman then pulls a master move guaranteed to make Dr. Sara sing like an American Idol contestant with, "From what I can tell, you did nothing wrong. And you don't have to talk about it."
So Dr. Sara does, saying, "The whole thing... I just never meant for this to happen." Kellerman puts down his plate, crosses his legs and leans forward like he's Barbara Walters, and says, "You do not have to answer this question, but were you and that guy, uh... " He trails off delicately and lets his eyes widen suggestively. Dr. Sara instantly tells him everything he needs to know when she says, "You know, you're right -- I don't want to talk about it."
Kellerman continues his manipulation by batting his eyelashes. His eyes limpid pools of brown, he asks, "Does it worry you that he's... out there?" Unfortunately, before Dr. Sara can reply, there's a knock at the door. It's Governor Dad!
As Dr. Sara says, "Dad," Kellerman stops drinking, an Oh, shit expression on his face. He recovers by the time Governor Dad comes in, and manages to make nice with the guy. Dr. Sara and her father go to talk in the kitchen. Dr. Sara has told Kellerman to make himself at home, and he does, if by "make yourself at home," you mean "rifle through Dr. Sara's mail, find the origami crane, then photograph its message for future reference."
In the kitchen, Dr. Sara explains that in her program, they've been talking about making amends, and that's got her thinking about her choices -- cut to Governor Dad, hands shoved uncomfortably in his own pockets as he mentally reviews his own choices -- and that she called him to say she's sorry. Governor Dad automatically replies, "You don't have to say you're sorry." Dr. Sara insists that she does, saying. "It must be hard to understand why I did it." We get a shot of Kellerman eavesdropping as Dr. Sara explains that she thought she was helping thwart a conspiracy that had wrongfully convicted someone. Dr. Sara concludes, "I'm fine, but I'm scared." Governor Dad moves in and hugs her, saying, "I'm going to help you through this. We're going to get through this together. I promise." I am just suspicious enough about him to wonder if Governor Dad's really just preparing to sell his daughter down the river.
Later, as Kellerman's strolling down the street, he's dismayed to learn that the number sequence on the origami crane is not, in fact, the hotline to Michael Scofield but a long-disconnected phone number.
Cut to Sucre sniffing Maricruz's robe in the dressing room. There's a knock on the door and, not thinking that perhaps the bride wouldn't knock on the door of her own dressing room, Sucre rushes to open it. Unfortunately, he's now face-to-face with the groom. Sucre pulls Hector inside by his tuxedo lapels. Hector says dismissively, "Calm down, calm down." The man has liquid nitrogen running through his veins, because he's cool enough to keep stalling Sucre until the whine of the police sirens is audible. I kind of wish that instead of this "Oh, who will Maricruz choose?" nonsense, the writers had explained whether Maricruz told Hector that Sucre was around, thus selling out her babydaddy without having to do any of the actual dirty work, or if Hector managed to figure it out on his own when Theresa collared Maricruz. Anyway, the upshot is that Sucre's bathrobe-sniffing interlude is at an end. Sucre heads out into the hall, bellowing Maricruz's name. Theresa is the one who comes out. She urges Sucre to take off. He's all, "Did you tell Maricruz I wanted to see her? Did you?" Theresa's downcast eyes say it all: the bride-to-be has absented herself from any potential drama. Sucre's entire face crumples into a knot of pain, and he rips his crucifix off his neck. Sobbing, "Maricruz" one last time, he presses the cross into Theresa's hand and races off. Man, after this afternoon, Theresa will be inducted into the Maid of Honor Hall of Fame, with all she's had to handle. Sucre, you will be happy to know, escaped just ahead of the police. Sadly, for those of you who wouldn't mind assisting him during his rebound phase, it's not clear where he's headed .
(Speaking of rebounds, I would love it if the Athletics rebounded here. It's the eleventh freakin' inning. Win already!)
Back in FBI headquarters, Mahone is busy pushing pins into the bright pink spiders that are crawling all over his special fugitive map. As he picks up a market and begins circling things, the bats begin circling his head. Yes, y'all, it's his withdrawal meltdown. Fortunately for him, his dealer just called.
Cut to downtown Chicago, where Mahone's meeting with a specimen by the name of B. Fanatic. In a deviation from the usual entrepreneurial zeal that the best freelance pharmaceutical professionals have, B. Fanatic recommends that maybe Mahone should consider getting his brain vitamins from a licensed medical professional. Mahone snaps, "Doctors take notes. That's why I have a deal with you." B. Fanatic sighs that things between them just aren't the same -- Mahone only wants him for his pills now. He misses their cuddling, their laughing together, their cozy talks about Shales. Popping a pill in his mouth, Mahone says crisply, "That part of our deal is over. I no longer need an informant on the case." B. Fanatic says, "I thought that's all you cared about was finding him." After a long, shuddery exhale, Mahone says, "You can't get them all." All of you who think that Mahone killed Shales and buried the body beneath his birdbath, raise your hands. B. Fanatic offers to keep an ear out for Shales, but Mahone runs him over with, "Midazolam. Fifteen hundred milligrams, every thirty days. That's all I want from you. We understand each other?" Then he gets shirty when B. Fanatic has the nerve to demand payment for his services. As Mahone stomps off, B. Fanatic wonders idly whether Mahone's a turncoat in the government's War on Drugs.
Meanwhile, back in Tooele, Lincoln and Michael have made the strategic mistake of actually believing T. Bag when he said that Tweener had the map. Tweener soon sets them straight, and gives them a look like, And you think I'm the dumbest guy in the room!
T-Bag has been busy memorizing the map. Then he eats it for good measure. When the rest of the cons get back to the car, there's T-Bag, burping little bits of map all over his chest. Michael says, "Tell me that's not what I know it is." As T-Bag sits up, he says, "It is. But don't worry -- before I destroyed it, it committed to it my photographic memory." He pops the last fragment of map in his mouth with considerable gusto. Wait -- T-Bag's good at cards, he's charismatic enough to gull a group of giant racists into following his every whim, he comes back from an amputation stronger that ever AND he's got a photographic memory? Does he also have the power of flight? Can he move things with his mind? Has he seen a million faces and rocked them all?
Michael expresses similar skepticism and T-Bag says around a big mouthful of paper, "I'd have tattooed it to my body, but I didn't have the time." Then he points out to Linc that for a prisoner, he sure forgot the number-one place where cons like to stash everything. This make Linc MAD! Linc smash! Or, to be more accurate, Linc grabs T-Bag by the collar and attempts to shake some information loose. T-Bag does more fast talking, pointing out that if he were to dip the tasty chocolate of his information into the delicious peanut butter of the boys' manual labor, everyone could walk away happy. "As of this moment, I'm your map," he says. Michael is left to twiddle his cap and wonder why on Earth T-Bag couldn't have just bled to death in the season finale. Tweener picks the exact wrong moment to say, "Well, then, yo, we'll split it four ways. Right?" Wrong. Linc is itching to put someone in a car trunk. He shoves the guy in there and says, "You're not worth $1.5 million." Tweener gets in. I hope he manages to scream through the trunk, "I don't know about y'all, but I actually saw some action this morning! With a live woman! So there!"
Speaking of improbable survivals, C-Note has apparently emerged from his riparian interlude with no damage whatsoever. Even his clothes look better. He's currently walking through Cache County, Utah. C-Note walks by a house that just happens to have a giant RV for sale in front of it. After helping himself to a long drink from the hose left in the front yard -- a nice touch is how he lets the water run until the sun-warmed stuff in the hose is pushed out by fresh, cold liquid -- C-Note is startled by the lady of the house, who is clinging to her screen door as she warily asks if she can help him. C-Note immediately goes into his "Don't be scared of me, sheltered lady" song and dance. Then he asks how much the RV is going for. "Probably out of your price range," Ma Joad replies. C-Note says easily, "Give me a shot," and she bites off, "Forty thousand dollars." C-Note looks back at it and you can tell he's imagining his family living in there with him. He then says he'll be back for it in a few days. "I can't hold it for you," the woman says warily. He turns and says easily, "I said I'll be back -- with cash."
And Sucre pulls up to a gas station to refill the motorcycle right around 2:30. He looks at the clock. He gets a voice-over of Theresa saying the wedding's at 2:30. He's... we have just seen this character hit rock bottom.
Meanwhile, the medicated Mahone couldn't be happier. He's got his dolls, his beautiful dolls, and he's got confirmation that Sucre was sighted in Las Vegas at 2 PM. He's also got confirmation that Sucre was spotted in at a gas station in Mesquite an hour later, which either means that someone in the writers' room can't remember the voiceover from a mere minute ago, or the motorcycle has a gas tank the size of a shot glass. Anyway, thanks to his sharpie and the reported sightings of the other cons, Mahone soon concludes that they're all converging on Utah. He chortles. Everyone in the office exchanges dread-soaked looks. Mahone says conversationally, "You know D.B. Cooper? ... Someone hijacked a plane in Portland, and jumped out over the Pacific Northwest. And someone got arrested two days later, in Bisbee, Arizona...the same guy, the same guy who was treated for a broken knee. They had a free clinic near Salt Lake. Same guy whose Nova blew a gasket ten miles short of the border, same guy who almost got away in a stolen car, but he ran a woman down in Bisbee. Vehicular manslaughter. Arrested and booked as Charles Westmoreland. But he didn't have the money on him. Which means he got rid of it somewhere along the way." Wheeler asks skeptically, "This is fact? You figured all this out?" In a voice practically throbbing with infatuation, Mahone says, "Scofield did." Lang averts her eyes, realizing that her boss's heart belongs to a tattooed con on the lam. Mahone happily concludes that Team Escarpara will be getting back together in Utah.
Meanwhile, three of the team members are chatting in the car. T-Bag is saying, "In Thailand, they've got a black market where you can get anything -- even a hand transplant." He holds up his limp, livid appendage. Linc replies conversationally, "You're sick. You know that?" T-Bag ignores that and tells them they'll want to turn soon. Linc asks him, "Before or after Sheep road?" There's a long pause from the back seat, and Michael sardonically inquires, "What's the matter, Theodore? Did you forget?" T-Bag shoots back, "How could I forget a name like Sheep?" Heh -- he's on fire tonight. He tells Linc to turn after. T-Bag then asks, "Don't you feel all warm inside, knowing that we're working together?" Michael drawls, "We're not working together. You're just here to lend a hand." Oooh, so cold, it burns. Anyway, the guys start strolling the quarter-mile that it'll take to get to the ranch. T-Bag lingers at the car. You would think that after all this time, Michael and Linc would know enough to keep a close eye on him at all times.
Back in some plushy conference room somewhere, Governor Dad is being warned by his dyspeptic elder aide that this whole Burrows thing could spell trouble for the governor's nomination. The aide doesn't think they'll be able to wait it out, pointing out that far too many circumstances around the trial are too good to be left alone: "His lawyer, Nick Savrinn, was found dead. His kid's awaiting trial on double homicide. And now lead counsel Veronica Donovan is missing." Governor Dad asks. "Is she missing or is she dead?" Dyspeptic Aide shrugs, his face indicating that missing means dead in this case. He says, "I just thought you should know all this before you went to Washington." Governor Dad asks, "Is there something connecting all this?" and without missing a beat, Dyspeptic Aide says blankly, "It's probably best if you don't ask a lot of questions." He leaves, and Governor Dad decides it's time to pass the folder he was reading -- the Burrows folder, it turns out -- on top of the "recycle" pile.
Back in Utah's meadow country, Michael's practically skipping through the fields. It's nice how his toes grew back. As he and Linc walk up the hill, Linc says. "The first thing I'm going to do with the money is buy new shoes." Michael adds, "The second thing ? Tacos!" Linc tags in, "The third thing? An ice-cold beer." Michael replies, "The fourth thing -- toothpaste." They do not invite T-Bag to participate. Instead, he's left to stumble into a puddle, just so we can have a fancy-schmancy transition to Mahone doing his Lady Macbeth number in front of the birdbath again. Mahone is on his way to Utah. We do another aquatic transition, and then we're back at the ranch site. Only now, it is not filled with ranch land so much as it's filled with ranch houses. All three men stop short and re-evaluate their opinions on suburban sprawl. The problem they'll have to solve episode? How to unearth the stash that may or may not be buried below someone's media room. Now if you'll excuse me, the A's just brought it home in the bottom of the 12th, and I have some celebrating to do.