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Against the Grunwald's wishes, the Liars dress up for a cemetery party in Ravenswood. Oh, what's a cemetery party? It's just like a regular party, but it's in a cemetery. Kind of like how a Halloween Train is Halloween that takes place on a train, only a little more awesome.
Sadly, we only stick around the party long enough to meet two nameless cast-members from the spin-off, if by "meet" you understand me to mean merely "see their fair faces and that's about it." Soon, the girls are led by Redcoat into a horrific/gorgeous underground necropolis of mazes, statues that bleed from the eyes, statues of ladies getting raped by waterfowl, gas lamps and false walls and passages, strange indoor windstorms, people turning into statues, bloody messages on the walls, disappearing hats, strange noises and Rat Kings.
This preponderance of razzmatazz quickly separates the ladies, and before you know it, Spencer's in a locked greenhouse battle with a guy in a WWI gasmask who is probably Ezra (needless to say, he gets away at the last second); Emily and Aria are nearly murdered by the jagged hungry window of a haunted mansion; and Hanna gets locked in an old-timey phone booth and made to listen to the Top Ten Hits of 1915 by a ghost.
She's eventually rescued by Miranda -- Caleb's new friend he met on the haunted bus to Ravenswood -- but not before seeing strange lights, Alison's actual real face and the terrors of Gasmask coming after her and after us all. Hanna and Miranda make their way through the haunted mansion, and we learn that not only is it Miranda's ancestral home, it's also a funeral home, and some stuff about her uncle that doesn't yet make sense...
Also not making sense? The grave that she and Caleb find once the ladies have located him, which bears her portrait and name even though clearly she is alive and has been to this town maybe once ever. (I'm guessing the Ravenswood hour reveals matching tombstones for Caleb, the two blondies from the party and the chick we haven't met, but I'm only just about to watch it.) In the end, confronted with too much weirdness and feeling Hanna Marin feelings of protective toward the girl, Hanna stations Caleb in Ravenswood to solve help her weird mystery -- without even knowing that it involves him, too. (In the tag, we see him discovering his own tombstone, which is a hell of a way to leave a show!)
Following the sounds of Ali's screams, the Liars make their way to the Grunwald's apartment within the mansion, where she reveals herself as the estate's caretaker (as well as being a part-time psychic, which is where the tape of Ali freaking out came from). She sends them home with her usual no-nonsense admonitions to stay the eff out of Ravenswood, but also a sudden vibe that one of them, chillingly, at one point dated the person Alison "fears most."
Stuck with a flat tire and down one Caleb Rivers, the girls can't wait to get out Ravenswood -- so when Ezra turns up, pretending to have just arrived, they don't ask questions. (They also don't seem to notice his injured hand, despite however long the drive is.) Back home, they're immediately surprised by Redcoat, who finally stands still long enough to reveal herself:
Alison DiLaurentis. Smiling sadly and asking, "Did you miss me?"
Someone immediately approaches, sending Ali into the shadows after a classically vague reminder of what she said to Hanna -- that time Hanna got run over by a car and was so high she didn't even remember the conversation -- before Ezra appears, returning Aria her phone from the car... And offering up a big steamin' mug of creepy stares that nobody registers, because they are all too busy with how Alison is back now.
January 7: With three fairly huge game-changers -- Alison, Ezra, Caleb -- in the mix, it'll be interesting to see what the show even looks like. The hashtag is #EzrAisEverywhere, which is a fine start, and I guess we'll see how much the girls will even be in contact with Ali at this point. But it'll be nice to finally get some answers on the A-Team, the B-Team, Team Redcoat and CeCe Drake, not to mention Boardshorts and the rest of it -- because from what I can tell, not even Alison necessarily knows how deep the Ezra stuff goes, or even who her A is. I cannot imagine how frustrating that would be!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Redcoat summoned the Liars to Ravenswood, and thence the ultimate A Lair: Timelines, documents, a million omniscient computers... And Redcoat herself, secretly watching from behind a picture of Alison's face. Per The Grunwald -- with whom Ali shares some kind of parrot-related ESP connection, and who dug her out of the ground that one time -- trying to protect Alison could result in leading A straight to her. What nobody knows, as they set out to track Alison down in totally decent Edwardian gear, is that Ezra might well be behind it all.
Knowns: CeCe is either a Redcoat or in the employ of A, although she definitely has spent time in A's Ravenswood Lair, and definitely did not die from Aria trying to kung fu her to death. Mona's outside Ravenswood, meeting with the B-Team, seemingly to guarantee her own safety from "her," as Toby reports from the shadows. Melissa and maybe Wren are off to London, maybe together, and Shana was in league with one or both of them; we still don't know for sure who killed Darren Wilden. Caleb is now on his way to Ravenswood, just in time for the big city-wide creeper party that will explain what the hell this crazy town is all about.
GRAVEYARD PARTY!
Liars: "Okay so let's all try to find Alison before A finds her, or us. But what the hell kind of place do you have a party in a graveyard? Oh right, Ravenswood."
Hanna: "This girdle's killin' me."
Spencer: "It's a corset."
Hanna: "It's bullshit is what it is."
Emily: "Wait! I am having an Emily attack. I don't mind running into A, but I am scared to see Alison. It will be too weird."
Aria: "Oh, honey. Come on."
Aria takes Emily's hands, and the girls proceed into the graveyard party.
THE KNIGHT BUS
Caleb is all alone on the enchantedly horrible bus to Ravenswood, except for one mysterious Ravenswood-looking dude with no teeth.
GRAVEYARD
Aria: "This place is effed up. Are those some fingers sticking out of that grave?"
Spencer: "They are clearly mushrooms! I was born to call bullshit on Ravenswood."
Hanna stops cold, spying two little girls in identical red coats staring at some graves while a top-hatted monster man puts flowers on another grave. Guess what, if you never see her face, a little girl in a red coat is going to be a little person. That is just the rules.
Ezra calls: "Hey Aria, what's goin' on?"
Spencer: "Don't tell him anything important."
Aria: "I can't talk about your problems right now, buddy. I am running around a graveyard dressed like Downton Abbey."
Ezra: "That's weird, I'm lurking nearby dressed like a WWI soldier, just like in the A-Tag of the finale. Be careful, okay? At least until I can murder everybody."
KNIGHT BUS
Caleb, rule number one of the Knight Bus is don't fall asleep on the Knight Bus. You will never shake the cobwebs and secrets out of that lustrous hair now! But who is to him all of a sudden? Sitting right there even though the whole bus is empty?
Miranda: "I'm Miranda. I'm cute as a button, with the short hair of a gal who makes her own rules. I'm going to be your main buddy in Ravenswood in about an hour, so we should get to know each other now. First, give me food."
Caleb: "Never eat on the Knight Bus!"
Miranda: "It's all ladyfingers and pomegranate seeds anyway."
Caleb: "Why are you sitting to me?"
Miranda: "I'm not sittin' to that creep back there, and I'm starving, so I thought I would just sit here until you woke up and then bug you."
Caleb: "I am not feeling very friendly. I am a grumpy puppy."
Miranda: "Too bad for you, because I am feeling chatty as hell. Are you also being drawn back to Ravenswood for mysterious, mystical reasons? I have some kind of uncle."
Caleb: "I also have some kind of uncle. The dad kind.* Are you running away?"
Miranda: "Suddenly less chatty."
*(Amazingly, he actually does say this, almost verbatim, a few scenes from now. I thought about taking it out, but I want to document every time Ravenswood enters the world through my dreaming or waking mind, so that the eventual Lovecraftian inquest into my disappearance will have all the clues it might need.)
GRAVEYARD
Emily: "This doesn't seem like Ali's kind of party..."
Spencer: "Perhaps it is Grunwald-related. Or maybe she just likes Ravenswood?"
Aria: "Check out that blond cutie in the vintage uniform! Perhaps he is A. Or Boardshorts."
Hanna: "Yes, because A is going to be someone we've never met, as opposed to everyone we've ever met."
Spencer: "Maybe he was buds with Alison in her secret life, though. Or maybe he's part of the B-Team. You never know with this show."
Liars: "It is true that we are flying blind the majority of the time."
A pretty blonde in a silly princess dress joins him, and they look bothered together. I guess they are also Ravenswood characters, based on how they are the only people so far in Ravenswood that don't look like Charles Addams drew them.
Spencer: "I am going to spy on them, don't get killed."
Aria: "Or we'll go bother them while you're trying to spy."
Hanna: "Meanwhile, I am going to interrogate those ten-year-old sized people for wearing red coats. If I can just chase them around long enough to get a look at their faces."
Emily: "Meanwhile I am just going to loiter. I'm glad we're all able to keep formation for more than one second at a time."
The Grunwald: "You need to take your goddamn ADD meds. What did I just tell you? Get the hell out of here!"
Emily: "Sorry, The Grunwald. We decided to ignore your soothsaying due to that not actually being a thing in real life."
KNIGHT BUS
Miranda tries to gank the sleepy creep's Fritos, but he catches her, so she runs back to Caleb. Awakened, the man doesn't seem creepy at all, just like a sad ogre finally making his way back home to Ravenswood after a long journey. I would probably sit down near him if I saw him making that sad ogre face, and try to get into whatever is going on with him, because he looks like he needs attention and/or the care of a stranger. You never know who you might meet on the Knight Bus. Could be a sad ogre, could be your lawn guy.
GRAVEYARD
Following the princess chick I think, Aria stomps her way into the tombs away from the main party, hearing bumps in the nights, and then a hand! Grabs her! It is not mushrooms this time! It is a full-on hand attached to a person on one end, and Aria on the other! Snatchin' and grabbin'!
Aria: "Oh my goodness, what if something were to happen to me?"
KNIGHT BUS
Caleb yells at Hanna's voicemail for not answering his call, and Miranda wonders about the viability of their relationship. Caleb scoffs, because he doesn't yet know this bus is taking him to an entirely different television show.
Caleb: "I'm a grump because, why did I let Hanna go there? To the witch dimension?"
Miranda: "You need to chill. At worst, we all escape together back into the real world."
Caleb: "Did you even tell your uncle that you are coming?"
Miranda: "Don't worry about it, kid. You need to mind your own if this is going to work. If you really want to do something helpful, why not call Hanna's voicemail a hundred more times?"
GRAVEYARD
Aria: "Did somebody push you in this grave, princess girl? Like that other guy?"
Princess Girl: "No, it was not that other guy. He is my cousin."
Cousin Boy: "...Are you falling in graves again? That is so you."
Aria: "Hey, do you guys hate the shit out of Ravenswood too?"
Cousin Boy: "Yeah, it makes me feel like I want to cry."
Aria: "time instead of yanking on a girl's ankle you could say something like, Help me, I fell in this dang grave or something like that. Speak up, maybe. I nearly kicked you in the face! Which would suck for you, now that my body is a weapon."
Spencer: "Emily, how did you lose both Aria and Hanna?"
Emily: "It was The Grunwald! She's not fooling! She was acting thugged out!"
Aria: "Where did you guys go when I was chasing that princess around?"
Hanna: "I was chasing little people in red coats, waiting for them to stab me! I gotta see their faces!"
Liars: "I guess we need to try harder to stick together. It's just very difficult in this misty graveyard with random princesses grabbin' you and old ladies getting psychic on you."
Aria: "I think Lance Corporal isn't Boardshorts, just Princess Girl's Cousin Boy."
Liars: "I hate this fucking witch town."
Hanna: "I can't quit talking about those two little people in the red coats. It reminds me of something but I can't remember what."
DON'T LOOK NOW
But here is Redcoat herself, running through a graveyard like always, fairly shouting, "Hey, follow me into this mausoleum where it is even creepier!"
So of course they do. But when they get in there, she's gone! A secret dimension inside the witch dimension inside the regular dimension! Plus a commercial where Chris Hemsworth tries to make you think Thor 2 has something to do with Ravenswood. Not as fun or as tricky as when they have people doing it the other way, like if they were like, "The Grunwald has crazy powers and so do the Norse Gods! Here's Meg Foster to say some weird things about Thor."
Or if they were both together! "Chris Hemsworth, could you bench-press me, The Grunwald?" "Probably, but I would be nervous, because of your witchy powers."
Emily: "Screw this Doolittle hat, I'm losing it. I don't even care about my deposit. Now my look is purely about boobs."
Spencer: "Guys, help me open this one creepy grave."
Liars: "Oh my God, why?"
Spencer: "What else are we even doing? Get crackin'."
Guess what, it leads down into a dungeon!
Liars: "I wonder where this path leads..."
Aria, verbatim: "Um, HELL?"
Then of course they are locked in there, having climbed down through a grave into hell, and they have the gall to act surprised by this. Hanna's like, "On second thought, let's call this Halloween Special off. Alison, you're on your own. I want the fuck out of this dumb town." But there is no relief. Further into the catacombs we go.
Aria: "This is a stupid question but can anybody get a signal? Here in this dungeon under a mausoleum in a parallel witch universe?"
Hanna: "In fact I have negative three bars. Never saw that before."
Alabaster virgin goddess statue, bleeding from the eyes? You know it. Leda getting fucked by the Swan on a divan? Probably more than one of those. Windstorm? Why not? Windstorm suddenly so strong they have to hold hands in a chain so they don't get blown away? For sure. And then suddenly it stops.
When the lights come back on, Hanna has turned into a statue! Oh my God, Ravenswood. You need to calm down.
KNIGHT BUS
Caleb: "Sorry I was being so pushy, but I just remember how I forced Uncle Dad to be my Dad, and how eventually he got framed for stealing a bell, and now he lives in the woods. So just be aware that that's something that can happen."
Miranda: "How did that work out?"
Caleb: "If you are imagining that somehow your life will ever be happy, you need to give up hope immediately. I went from no parents to two parents -- one of them rich as hell -- and yet I'm still on this shithole bus, right to you."
Miranda: "Did your foster parent ever drink a whole bottle of vodka and then throw your laptop in the bathtub?"
Caleb: "Uh, is your foster mother Eminem? What an oddly specific tale of woe. But it's cool that we're both into computers. Ravenswood seems like the kind of place where either the internet doesn't work at all, or you wish that it did not."
Miranda: "...Actually fuck it. I'm getting off this bus right now. If my uncle turns out to be a churchbell-stealing werewolf it'll just be the last straw."
Ogre: "Oh, you're getting off at this stop too? Perfect, I will make you into a soup stock."
Miranda: "...Caleb, once again I have changed my mind and will be staying on the bus."
Caleb: "Good call."
Ogre: "Now I am even sadder than before."
HANNA
Makes her way through a gaslight necropolis, calling for Spencer and eventually coming across blood/lipstick writing on a wall that says HELP ME! She removes her lace glove to see if it's still wet, and her flapper hat covers up almost her face so now she is also mostly boobs. The lights go out, and then it's just rats upon rats.
Screaming and running past all the scary statues from before, slowly realizing it's not just a secret death city under the universe of witches, but also some kind of maze, Hanna finds herself at some steps up to an old-timey door, which opens into a house full of clinking chandeliers, candles both flame and electric, and a huge dusty piano with a spotlight on it. She takes a minute to get her shit together, then heads out into the gorgeous mansion -- possibly hotel? -- to have more experiences.
Once she's gone, Ezra (presumably) shuts the fallboard on the piano, Darth Vadering into his gas mask like a hyperventilating lunatic.
THE GATES
Miranda: "Anyway, it was nice meeting you. I guess see you around once you determine that you live here now."
Caleb: "Can I walk you to your uncle's house? I'm sure Hanna will be fine. It's not like rats are chasing her through a buried city of the dead or anything."
Miranda: "No, but let's keep in touch. Assuming we both live through the half-hour. Here's a kiss on the forehead, transferred from my hand. It is a magic spell I just invented."
Caleb: "Wait, are you a crazy person?"
Miranda: "Kooky. But also lightheaded, due to never snagging that ogre's Fritos."
She goes, literally whistling past the graveyard, and past that giant whopper of an angel statue that's all I've been dreaming about for months now.
HAUNTED MANSION
Hanna still can't get bars, stomping through the empty hallways in her gorgeous gown, and as the clock strikes crazy o'clock, she finds a room full of ticking and strange sounds, including a screen behind which there is a telephone. Dialtone! Confronted with a rotary telephone, a thing she has probably never seen in her life, Hanna slowly dials each painfully slow number... But then the phone booth closes itself on her!
LIARS
Liars: "Man, I can't believe Hanna turned into a statue. That girl has just been through the wringer lately."
Emily: "Wait, is that her hat on the ground near a bloody message on the wall?"
Aria: "Great, so now A kidnapped Alison and Hanna? We are not batting a thousand this evening."
STILL DIALING THE PHONE
Hanna: "Whatever kind of phone this is, they suck. I am glad technology improved."
Surprise, a ghastly scream is her only answer once it connects... And then of course she realizes she's locked into the phone booth. Through the waxy glass, she sees multiple pilgrims approaching with flashlights, that eventually close in on her from every direction until it's like sunlight in there, and then they vanish. The phone rings, and it's just a scratchy old Victrola on the other end: The 1915 hit "I Didn't Raise My Boy To Be A Soldier."
It's hard to imagine, for me at least, but it was only like fifty years between the Civil War and World War I: This song was in some ways prescient, in some ways a protest song. Two years later we joined in, but the gasmask iconography would already be in the air. I know jack shit about WWI so I'm excited about this aspect of the new show, but for now, it seems plain that this is more about the town being creepy, the specifics of that, rather than anything to do with Hanna or Redcoat or whatever. Unless somehow this EzrA thing ends up tying into the Ravenswood Curse, which... This reference would put at almost exactly a hundred years, whatever it turns out to entail. Hmm.
MIRANDA
Miranda invites herself into a creepster location similar to Hanna's hotel, and looks at a bunch of folks in various photographs and paintings all over the place. One in particular, which creates a giggle on the soundtrack, involves two little girls staring at a woman.
MANSION
The Liars come up into the piano salon, which has been rearranged with music stands and whatnot in preparation for their entrance.
Aria: "A door in a crypt that leads to a tunnel that comes up inside a mansion? What the hell are Ravenswood zoning laws doing?"
Emily: "Could be for getting around Prohibition, could go back to the Underground Railroad. There are a million historical reasons for the tunnels under America. Some of them are sadder than others, but all of them have the potential to creep you out."
Spencer notices the sheet music to the song that was just playing in Hanna's ear, but before she can remark on it, she gets dripped on by blood out of the ceiling, because Ravenswood has no off switch.
Emily: "What are the chances that that's blood?"
Liars: The chances are pretty good that it's blood actually.
Spencer disappears during the sound of Alison screaming and then yelling, "They'll find out. My friends know I'm here!"
Meanwhile, Hanna is still in that darn phone closet -- and not at all as good as the girls usually are at picking locks, here in the witch dimension. But then what happens?
Alison DiLaurentis! Comes right up to the glass, with a real face that is not a mask! Stares at Hanna for a second like maybe she recognizes her, then gets grabbed and thrown aside by Gasmask, who stares in at Hanna in turn. By the time she grabs the old-timey phone to hit him with -- or maybe to creep him out with how haunted it is -- he's gone too. A hand slowly turns the knob... And it's Miranda. We've all been in the same spooky house the whole time!
Miranda greets poor Hanna with a sad smile, as if she knows she's the girl that is about to get dumped by her new BFF Caleb Rivers. But maybe she's just sad because she witness Gasmask kill Alison for the 87th time. Or maybe she's sad because she was hoping it was her Uncle Dad in that phone booth, but she found instead just a bunch of boobs.
Hanna: "Wait, so you live here?"
Miranda: "That's the plan, assuming I can find my uncle. Or I guess also if I can't."
Hanna: "Who else lives here? Ghosts? Mean high school girls? Dead high school girls? A man in a gasmask?"
Miranda: "So far just me. And whoever turned on every light in this entire huge place."
Hanna: "You didn't see my whole nightmare scenario just now? Also, did you do that?"
Miranda: "I wouldn't kill you with a phone booth. I would use my wolf teeth."
Hanna: "Valid. Let's be friends. Friends who get the fuck out of this place."
Miranda: How come you're dressed like Prom Night on the Titanic?
Hanna: "Did you not notice the party going on in that graveyard?"
Miranda: "No, I was busy thinking all kind of wolfy thoughts."
They come down into a room full of coffins, and deal with that for a while. Turns out that's what her uncle does, have coffins in his house. As his job. Miranda spaces out for a second and has a wobbly flashback of this one time her parents died.
Hanna: "Why are you crying?"
Miranda: "Just random thoughts about my dead parents. I totally forgot I went to their funeral and a dude asked me to forgive him. Maybe he was my uncle? But then why was I in foster care?"
Hanna: "That's weird, my orphan boyfriend also had plenty of uncles and parents all over the place. Listen, you don't know me very well but part of me being Hanna Marin is that I am now your best friend, and I will help you get answers out of your uncle as soon as we are out of danger. Got it?"
Miranda: "That's actually really comforting, thanks."
Hanna: "Have a hug, and now let's move our asses."
Miranda: "Okay but first one more psychic weird thing. I gotta grab this treasure map."
Actually it's not a treasure map, it's a thing we are going to see in a minute: A flyer for a dead person's funeral, which makes sense because one of the many things that this house is, is a funeral parlor. But for whom?
UPSTAIRS
Emily and Aria make their way to an open window, which they lean way out of to see what the ground situation is; they don't hear the jagged edge of the broken window about to slam down on their perfect necks.
Emily: "I'll climb down this trellis with jock power, and..."
Aria: "And what? Go tell everybody that we are on a mission to save our dead friend who keeps dying but not being dead? Or maybe just that we are trapped in a haunted house that drips blood and..."
They lean out again and the glass gets closer, and then Emily is half-in, half-out of the window. Only another scream from Alison -- "You can't keep me here!" -- distracts them long enough from being chopped to death by the haunted window.
Wait, where is Spencer?
SPOOKY GREENHOUSE
Looking for the sounds of Ali while her friends are getting chopped and diced and phone boothed. In the solarium, Spencer pricks her finger on a thorn out of nowhere, probably putting all of Ravenswood to sleep for a hundred years. I can't wait to see what their nightmares are like in this town. How could you even tell?
Gasmask surprises her from behind, but she takes his grunting, groaning ass out with some giant garden shears. Notably, she slices his hand open across the palm, and just when you think she's going to leave him there like they always do, she remembers the time she stupidly got institutionalized for assuming that Toby's ass was dead even though it was just a random dude, and she kneels down... Only to be knocked out by a sudden Gasmask attack, who grabs her hand before she can un(gas)mask him and then knocks her out and then picks up the garden shears his own self.
OUTSIDE
Finally free, Miranda's standing around when Caleb comes around a corner, and they're happy to see each other but Miranda's like, "I do have an update about my uncle, but first of all your girl needs a hug." Hanna -- staring off into the graveyard, not trying to get bars on her phone I guess -- comes running up and into his arms, and it's super sweet. But you can tell by the music they don't have long.
Caleb: "Where is everybody? I've been wandering around this whole time."
Hanna: "Uh, I have no idea where the Liars are, and I believe Alison is alive and being held captive and possibly also creepin' around that mansion over there."
Caleb: "This place is bonkers. Have you met Miranda?"
INSIDE
Aria and Emily backtrack to the greenhouse room, where Spencer is still out of it. They flip out for a while, and then she wakes up just in time for them to all hear more muffled screaming. It's got to be a recording or something, right? You can't have fake Ali running around being possibly real Ali, and then also blurting out this stuff at regular intervals.
CRYPTS
Hanna: "I know it doesn’t look like it, but this is a false wall in the necropolis that leads to a tunnel that goes into Miranda's house, where I just escaped from."
Caleb: "Let me help you move that weird statue around..."
Miranda: "Or you could just come use the door like we just did, or hey wait... Why is my grave down here with my picture on it?"
Yep. The gravestone of Miranda Collins, covered in ivy, with a portrait of her right on there. I guess that's what the "Five Will Rise" thing they keep putting onscreen is about. I guess Caleb and Miranda and Princess and Cousin are all uh, reincarnated World War I witchwolves together. Guess that's how Ravenswood is gonna go. Maybe that should have been our first guess.
UPSTAIRS
They get closer to the sounds of Alison, but when they finally come around the corner, it's just an old-timey reel-to-reel of her screaming, of course, because she is dead and thus is not currently being tortured in a haunted mansion.
But then they are surprised also by The Grunwald, who -- guess what -- immediately starts in on them like "You shouldn't be in here!" The Grunwald does not like you anywhere. The Grunwald wants you at home. The Grunwald could not have been clearer on this point, frankly.
The Grunwald: "I guess you found that tunnel, huh?"
Liars: "Is this your creepy house? That makes sense."
The Grunwald: "No, I am just like the Argus Filch of it. Only instead of a shitty mean cat, I have these amazing eyeballs."
Emily: "And this is the room where you do séances and act ridiculous, huh?"
The Grunwald: "Yeah. That tape you were listening to is from Ali times. It was stolen six months ago, and now... OMG."
Emily: "What? Are you having an ESP?"
The Grunwald: "Yeah. One of you is boning Ali's Killer. How crazy is that?"
Spencer: "Uh, do I count? Because Toby didn't kill Alison. That was like an entire season of this show already. And he's barely A! I mean yes, he regularly is A, but it's just only ever barely."
Aria: "I'm so sure. Ezra would look ridiculous in board shorts, or in fact shorts of any kind. He is a full-pant kind of guy."
Emily: "...FML."
OUTSIDE
Miranda: "Hey, remember Sad Ogre? Well apparently his name was Bert Ambrose."
Caleb: "How do you know that?"
Miranda: "Because of this flyer for his funeral I just found a minute ago."
Caleb: "But he was eating Fritos! Ghosts don't get to eat Fritos. It's part of why they're so pissed."
Miranda: "I'm just glad he got a classy sendoff. He seemed sweet, for an ogre."
Caleb: "This is the kind of shit that happens on the Knight Bus. I knew it. I'm glad you didn't eat those ghostly Fritos, dude."
Miranda: "Stop talking about the fucking Fritos! It's been like two hours, I'm still starving."
Caleb: "Okay, maybe it's twins? There's always twins on this show."
Miranda: "Specifically it says that he has no living relatives."
Caleb: "So far this is not compelling enough for me to ditch my girlfriend and move here, but it's getting closer, I'm not gonna lie. Hope we don't find a gravestone with me on it."
Hanna: "Okay all the living Liars are okay and headed back to the car, but I'm sad to report that our dead friend is nowhere to be found."
Caleb: "That is sad in a way, but in another way it makes a kooky kind of sense."
MAIN STREET
Liars: "Fuck you, Ravenswood!"
A tire has been flattened. They can't run off with those costumes on, they can't get back to the real world. If only they had Shana's car that can travel dimensions whether it's got flats or not.
Spencer: "Emily, can you change this tire real quick?"
Emily: "Is this because I'm a lesbian?"
Aria: "No, it's because you're the sporty one."
Emily: "Uh, what about Spencer over there? The living embodiment of Heinlein's Competent Man, who just last episode was like, b-dubs I am also a wizard."
Liars: "Are you saying you can't change a tire?"
Emily: "No, of course I can change a tire. I'm just feeling bitchy because I'm hungry and I almost got eaten by a house and because ghosts are the worst and this town is the worst and I gotta get out of this boob dress."
Miranda: "Okay, you guys have fun in the real world where the sun comes out and people aren't hypnotized and there aren't ravens all over the place. I'll just sit tight here and wonder about my grave."
Hanna: "Miranda, come with us. This place is bullshit."
Miranda: "You just bring people home with you?"
Hanna: "Lol. How do you think I got Caleb to go out with me? Providing shelter to confused orphan reincarnated witchwolves is like, what I am all about. Plus, did you forget how fucked up and horrible it is in that house? Gross."
Caleb: "Good luck with living in the witch dimension, then."
Hanna: "Here's a hug, and feel free to visit Rosewood any time the planetary conjunction permits it."
Hanna: "Actually, would you mind just getting the hell off my TV show and sticking around here to take care of that random girl? You can always come back when it works out, or if it doesn't."
Caleb: "Sure, that makes total sense."
Hanna: Cool, so we're done here. Later."
On her way to the car, Hanna finally gets a glimpse of the small redcoats. One of them is a kid and the other one is a little person, so I was half right. They do not stab her, though, so that's good.
Spencer: "Well, there's no spare anyway so you can put your lesbianism away."
Hanna: "Hey guys, I randomly told Caleb to go away and he did."
Liars: "Sure, that makes total sense. I wish we had found Alison and she was alive."
A scary car drives up on them, full brights, and then a tiny sexy stick figure of a person gets out and comes toward them in a way that is less menacing and more like the end of Close Encounters.
Ezra: "Aria, why won't you answer your phone? I have been everywhere but here all night! Let me take you ladies home since you have a flat tire and my car can cross dimensional portals."
LATER
Ezra drops everybody off at one of their houses, but then they spot Redcoat again, and as a storm starts up they all chase her, still in their wack outfits, and she finally stops. Who is the blonde girl in the Red Coat?
HOLY SHIT IT IS ALISON. IT ACTUALLY IS. She looks so lovely, with her hair blowing around in the breeze, being all not-dead and shit. "Did you miss me?" she asks, and then nearly breaks down in tears. Among them all, only Aria really seems happy to see her.
Liars: "Okay was that actually you and is this really happening? And are you actually psychic with The Grunwald because what the fu..."
Alison: "It's still not safe. I want to come home, but you guys have to help me."
Spencer: "Who are you even afraid of? You, of all people?"
But before she can answer any questions -- and just as Caleb and Miranda are running across his Ravenswood tombstone after all, noting how many dead kids that graveyard actually contains -- she sees headlights: Aria forgot her phone in Ezra's car. Ali disappears into the night, of course, but the ladies seem to overlook the creepy fucking looks Ezra's giving all over the place... Or his injured hand, shoved conspicuously in his pocket.
All they have for now is the last clue, which is apparently what she said to Hanna when she got run over by that car that one time: That they all secretly know what happened and why, and also, "You think the truth is some shining disco ball of purity? Then go ahead and try it. Be honest, see what it gets you. Telling the truth to the wrong person at the wrong time is how I got where I am. Take it from me: You're always better off with a really good lie."
COME JANUARY
The hashtag is #EzrAisEverywhere, which is encouraging -- especially since "everywhere," in this case, seems to include "inside Hanna's teeth, leaving little messages in there." The Liars close ranks to protect Alison from her deadly foe that she doesn't even seem to know who it is, and Ezra starts working Mona. I love it, I love everything about it. I can't believe she's alive, I can't believe Ezra came after them so hard, I can't believe Aria's gonna get it. Everything is working out so well!
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.