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The Liars spend the evening worrying about (slash ignoring) poor Hanna after Ashley was finally arrested for shooting Wilden with the gun she stole from her ex-husband. After a distressing visit to the disheartened Ms. Marin herself, Hanna's wild-eyed denial eventually earns her a Come To Jesus from no less an expert in mental health than Spencer Hastings herself. I can think of no greater reality check than Spencer Hastings telling you you're deluded. Hanna eventually realizes that her mother is going to rot in prison and that she is all alone, and weeps in Spence's arms. Good thing Caleb's not goin' anywhere, am I right?
Aria tries to cover for Mikey -- who obviously destroyed Laxbro's car last week -- but it's once again Ezra who lays down some HIPAA blackmail on the Vice Principal and gets Mikey off. It's looking more and more likely, however, that Ezra is in fact The Masked Badger vigilante who beat up Laxbro's car in the first place. (Additionally, he dresses like a child through most of the episode: Either a consequence of him and Malcolm wearing the same size clothes, or an attempt at blending into his surroundings to trick Aria into dating him again.) It kind of works, actually, because her stupid ass goes over to the Fitzpartment to thank him in person, and then runs away very dramatically because of love.
Eventually Emily pulls a Hanna herself, and steals the keys to Wilden's apartment from the police station, which gets her mother suspended without leave. Have you noticed that whenever Emily goes to the police station, shit occurs? Stay away from there, young lady. If only she had gone to the quack super-soldier serum doctor appointment like she was told, none of this would have happened. Although A would probably have still driven a car directly into your living room, aimed at your mom's head.
The Liars visit Wilden's house, go through his porn -- Aria, everybody has porn, it's called the internet, don't break stride -- and eventually come up with a box of rotting sumpin' sumpin', as dear old departed DiLaurentis would say, that places him somewhere in the context of the Lodge fire. I didn't really understand all of that part but I do know they were wearing gloves, and somebody called his house on the landline despite his very public death weeks ago. Emily decides to google "steak" to find out more, while Hanna pisses her mom off by once again agitating for a plea bargain.
Best of all, though, Caleb and Toby decide they are going to mansplain the truth out of our town once and for all, and track down A and the A-Team and the B-Team and Redcoat all on their own, because unlike girls, they don't have to waste all that time doing their makeup. Well, that and the fact that nobody is really trying to kill them that often, especially now that Toby is no longer on the A-Team, so that frees up a lot of time too.
They head back to the airfield to which Alison -- a dead teenager -- flew an airplane while wearing a mask of her face over her own face, there to meet with Nigel from the funeral, who they don't remember because they weren't there, but if they did they would know he is the other person Jenna is dating, besides Shana. (Making him, I guess, the Jason of the B-Team?) He lies to them about a hundred times -- even about the lighter they planted on Toby that is fully engraved with his initials -- until Caleb does a sweet werewolf jump over the counter, pickpocketing him of his phone with skills he learned from living by his wits.
I guess Wilden was supposed to blow up the Lodge but then he was too busy getting shot by Ashley to do it? And then Nigel told the Boys that CeCe Drake was behind the whole thing, but that's clearly a lie. (Even if you didn't remember Nigel from the funeral you'd know that, I'd imagine.) Even moreso the idea that she somehow murdered Toby's mother or at least changed her file after the fact, which is where Toby takes this info -- all the way to suddenly thinking CeCe is A, and also killed Wilden. None of that sounds very CeCe to me. So why is CeCe a target of the B-Team? What differentiates her from Melissa? Besides being awesome I mean.
What I need is somebody, like a fourteen-year-old girl who actually gets it, to explain this shit to me. I am so confused what the deal even is at this point, it keeps me up at night. This show and Teen Wolf are the only ones where I don't understand even the most basic things that are happening, most of the time. I feel like a standup comedian's mom in a joke: "Who's that guy, is he new? Is he with the other guy, or are they fighting? Which blonde girl? Is that the dead one, or the other dead one, or the blind one wearing a wig, or different people in masks? Or wait, is it the blonde girl that beat those snakes to death with the mannequin leg that time?"
Anyway, yeah. A "throws a car" through the Fields's living room, making three out of four moms that the newer, viciouser A has succeeded in taking off the board. (I hope that Veronica Hastings does not also become a Victim! Then what would every single person in Rosewood do whenever they need a lawyer? Which is something they need every day of the year, because they are murdering perverts?) Then, in one of the more awesome A-Tags in recent memory, A sends Emily a home improvement gift basket so she can start rebuilding. Thank God we have Toby, he'll have it right as rain in no time.
Week: Ezra notices the extreme bad luck the Liars tend to have, and how it is now extending to their families, and everybody is just like "Shut up, Ezra," because God forbid. Hanna goes to Mona because sometimes when the law won't help and justice ain't just, you gotta admit you need the help of a higher power. Or at least a higher-dimensional mental hyperconstruct of superreality, which works out to the same damn thing. Mona Vanderwaal!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Mona caused a bit of a rift between Spencer and the Liars, which didn't help her ongoing problems with Emily, by telling them the Toby truth about the Lair Van's disappearance. A blonde girl may be implicated in his mother's death. Emily's still looking into alternative treatments for her shoulder, while Aria's rumored history with Mr. Fitz reared its head unexpectedly, Mikey Montgomery may have become a vigilante, and the Marin Family Firearm finally sent Ashley to jail.
MARIN KITCHEN
Emily: "It's so hard putting these dishes where they go! Because of my shoulder."
Spencer: "I'm sorry to hear that you're still in pain."
Emily: "Your compassion means nothing to me."
Spencer: "I know you're mad, but Toby doesn't feel like it's yet time for me to explain his mother's part of the whole A thing. And to be fair, I did follow Shana out of the hell dimension for you..."
Emily: "I kind of think about Shana all the time right now, have you noticed? I hate it. Let's just worry about Hanna."
Aria: "At least you two are talking again. Let's make Hanna eat something."
Liars: "The only thing she wants is the milk of mother's kindness. And now her dad won't even let her go to the meetings about her defense. If only one of us were related to her lawyer!"
Aria: "Maybe I will just force-feed her cake frosting."
Liars: "We are definitely sticking around to watch that."
UPSTAIRS
Hanna: "Just don't do anything stupid."
Caleb: "I never do stupid stuff."
Hanna: "You're dating me, that's pretty dumb."
Caleb: "Only until Ravenswood. Relax."
D-TEAM
Caleb's version of not doing anything stupid is to team up with Toby and get A to come murder everybody. One of the few times I'd think having Paige on your team would be a good idea, because at least she knows what she's doing. Toby accidentally joins the A-Team whenever left unattended for even a day, and Caleb started out on the A-Team and now just vanishes constantly whenever Hanna needs him. You need that laser-like focus of a lesbian about to be denied her cozy Stanford dorm room marriage.
Toby: "Tell them hi. Just kidding, don't tell them anything."
Caleb: "Yes, keeping our meddling in their ongoing murders a secret is the opposite of doing something stupid."
Toby: "I can't wait for this to all go horribly wrong."
FIELDS
Pam: "Emily, I just got off the phone with some quack who wants to give you a series of injections."
Emily: "There's no way A can fuck that up and make them inject me with radioactivity or spider venom or radioactive spider venom."
Pam: "Then you will be able to lift a car, instead of having your life ruined by them."
Emily: "Well, how am I going to pay for these terrifying treatments?"
Pam: "I am going to sell my hair and teeth to pay for them. Do not feel at all guilty."
Emily: "No problem, since I'm clearly going to sabotage any plan having to do with my future in order to solve strange ghost mysteries. Oh look, there's Hanna calling me now to do just that."
Pam: "I'm sorry your friend's mom is always killing people, but I really want you to make this appointment a priority. Surely Hanna spending time with her father is a good idea."
Emily: "You clearly haven't met her father. The important thing is that you apparently didn't save any money for college because I was 90 percent swimming, but now I'm just the leftover 10 percent. So even by not feeling guilty, I still feel guilty."
Pam: "It's how you were raised."
SCHOOL
The Montgomery children make snide comments about Connor's busted-ass automobile, because he is a dick and because they have very little to bond about these days. Aria seems to believe that Mike did not destroy the kid's car, even though everybody including Mike just stares at her incredulously when she indicates this.
Aria: "On the one hand, that is a sad thing to happen to your ride. On the other hand, I would have been happy to help destroy it. I sure would be grateful to the person who did this, if I only knew who it was."
Mike: "Well, whoever it was they know he's a wuss. He always gets worked by offense in lacrosse, he hasn't fouled out of a game this season. Things get aggressive, he backs down."
Aria: "That sounds like something a car beater-upper would say. Where were you when this was going on?"
Mike: "Not at that open mic, I'll tell you that much. And nothing further, in case it sets your mind at ease."
Aria: "Are you saying by not saying it that you did this?"
Mike: "If I did it, I would have used a lacrosse stick. That doesn't do damage like this."
Aria: "Ah yes, because of the poetic irony. Because I am Aria Montgomery, I actually buy that explanation."
JAIL
Hanna: "So Isabelle and Kate are apparently fine with Dad living in our house while this is all going on. They're real nice when they need to be. Hey, what kind of clothes do you want for court?"
Ashley: "I'll trust it to your impeccable judgment. But one request, could you bring me the wristwatch of Grandma Marin? I need to feel strong in a Betty Buckley way."
Hanna: "Would that we all could. But no, because that's jewelry and you're allowed no jewelry."
Ashley: "The saddest thing in this whole episode is how intensely that saddens me, because my life is already so small and crushed-down and horrible that I've been thinking about that watch for like 24 hours."
Hanna: "That's so sad I have lost my mind again."
Hanna: "So I guess I should get tickets for us, for that silent auction at school..."
Ashley: "Oh, the one to renovate the school library? That sounds good. And funny, because it's a silent auction. But um, did you know I'm in jail? For murder?"
Hanna: "Yeah, so anyway what should we wear to it?"
Ashley: "Your denial is a knife in my eye, sweetie, and you need to rethink your approach here. You sound crazy in a Marissa Cooper way."
Hanna: "That's cool, whatever. We could get a spa package, or a ski trip..."
Ashley: "Honey, you're scaring me."
Hanna: "I know, I'm sorry. I'm too scared to think straight. Just promise you'll be my date to this silent auction."
Ashley: "[Tries to get her head around this new kind of Hanna madness.]"
Hanna: "I take your silence as a stylish way of agreeing with me."
D-TEAM
Caleb: "You're sure Spencer remembered part of the tail number of that plane Redcoat was flying?"
Toby: "She can quote entire passages of Dostoyevsky, in two languages. Using Spencer's mental health to lure the Liars to a Lodge and set them on fire is totally an A move, and Mona says Redcoat is probably A+."
Caleb: "Neither of us know about the B-Team or the Smash Party so we're still on the same page as Mona about this part."
Toby: "Spencer and Hanna think Alison's still alive. Maybe that's who knocked me out and put this Zippo in my hand with the engraved N.W."
Caleb: "One still wonders how Redcoat would be able to land a plane at Thornhill wearing a mask of her own face, and still be at Torch Lake to frame Ashley for that murder..."
Toby: "God forbid we follow any of these thoughts to completion. Were you sneaking peeks at my file about my crazy dead mom?"
Caleb: "Silly me, I saw words like Radley and evil blonde girl and just assumed it had something do with the storyline we're downloading about."
Before Toby can fetch sandwiches from the Brew -- they're growing boys, they need constant fuel for their fulltime jobs -- Caleb's plane-locating software locates the plane. No route info, but the address of record is at Howell Acres Flight Center, so they head out. To find out what the deal is, with the plane that a teenaged Redcoat flew, to several places at once, while wearing a mask of her own face.
LOCKERS
Hanna: "Shana's been out of pocket since she dressed up like Halloween and played the violin at that awful open mic. But I know she's around here somewhere! You don't just vanish into other dimensions unless you're driving Jenna's magic blind-people automobile."
Emily: "Hang on, I have to menace some motherfuckers that are staring at you like your mom being a cop-killer is somehow interesting or novel."
Ezra: "Emily, stop menacing those gawkers and get to class. I'll take Hanna off your hands."
Hanna: "So. Having our first conversation of all time, are we?"
Ezra: "If you don't feel like writing your essay for Ella's English class that I guess is mine now, that's cool."
Hanna: "Thanks, Ezra. You're pretty decent, as we used to always say about Toby in every episode leading up to the revelation that he was A. You know, my situation reminds me of DeBarge."
Ezra: "Madame Defarge? The tricoteuse from Tale Of Two Cities? That's actually an incredibly astute comparison."
Hanna: "No, like the song from Short Circuit."
Ezra: "Hanna, I wasn't even alive when that movie came out."
Hanna: "I feel like a robot has come alive and I'm the only one who knows about it. And when anybody asks what is going on with my problems, it's always A, and I have to act like I don't know who A is. Just like in the song."
That one Vice-Principal that is always up Aria's ass appears, and jumps right on up her ass.
VP: "Miss Montgomery, you are very in trouble because of nothing to do with you! Somebody who is either A or the police called to say your brother beat up a car!"
Aria: "That wasn't him -- he stayed home to Skype with my mom in Austria -- and why am I in trouble here?"
VP: "Is he still on his meds? To keep from going Uncle Bananafish?"
Aria: "That's none of my biznatch, nor yours, but I can tell you without violating HIPAA that the side effects of those drugs don't involve bouts of vigilantism, nor is it intended to treat symptoms of vigilantism. Not even off-label is that use recommended."
VP: "Fine. But somehow I am going to fuck you on this, Aria Montgomery. You wait and see."
RWPDHQ
Pam: "Emily, what are you doing here? Every time you come to the police station, something incredibly fucked up happens. Maybe you shouldn't come here anymore."
Emily: "Hey, is Lieutenant Tanner in today?"
Pam: "Briefly this morning, why?"
Emily: "First of all because she is irresistibly magnetic, but mostly because I was wondering if she'd had a chance to show you that video of a witch wearing my face."
Pam: "Nope. Anyway, here's your paperwork for your supersoldier serum."
Emily: "Cool, I don't care. Did Ashley still kill Darren Wilden?"
Pam: "Far as I know. Focus on your shoulder, please."
Emily: "Okay, I'm just going to steal Wilden's apartment key off your desk before I go."
Pam: "The only thing worse than you doing that, and getting me fired, would be for a car to drive into our living room."
BYRON
Byron: "Is it true about your brother?"
Aria: "Probably not, he just got here."
Byron: "I heard he gnashed his teeth and bit the recess lady's breast."
Aria: "Merely propaganda. Although I can see why people would think that. This loser laxbro of his told everybody a lie about me. And him."
Byron: "It's obvious what you're talking about, but since I'm Byron Montgomery I'm going to try and force you to say it out loud to me, your father who is already uncomfortably involved in your sex life. Not to mention vice versa."
Aria: "No thanks. We both know what I'm talking about."
Byron: "Why not ask me for help? With this thing that is so searingly awkward it hurts to just be in the room with this conversation?"
Aria: "Part of it was about Ezra. Apparently I'll just sleep with anybody."
Byron: "You get that from my side of the family."
(A great rumbling.)
Byron: "Listen, I feel a lot of that 'good parenting' I've been bottling up all these years rising to the surface..."
Aria: "Oh God."
Byron: "Yeah, here it comes. I am concerned that you are happy, and also about your brother's mental well-being. And for what it's worth, I think that kid Connor should be shot out of a cannon. You'll get nothing from me about this but my love, and my respect."
Aria: "That was weird. I have a headache."
Byron: "Me too! It's my first priority to keep you safe and make sure you feel comfortable talking to me about anyth... Oh, it's going away again. Whew."
MARIN
Spencer: "Holy shit! That is some masterful forgery! I mean, that's some Mona and Spencer ability right there."
Hanna: "Yeah, I'm using it to get out of school and also to pay the bills on the house. Last thing my mom needs is a late cable bill when she gets out of jail any day now."
Spencer: "Honey, you need to look me in the eye and concentrate on what I'm saying."
Hanna: "Spencer Hastings telling you that you're acting deluded is straight-up the scariest thing that could ever happen on this show."
Spencer: "I know, so let's get through it fast. My parents were talking about it and it sounds like her defense would actually work better had she done it. They have this intensely fucked up history, and his history as a wild card is really getting play the more they find out about him..."
Hanna: "Mandatory minimums. What're we working with."
Spencer: "Voluntary manslaughter's twenty years. First-degree murder is life or worse."
She throws her arms around Hanna and they weep bitterly for the fact that no matter what actually happened, A is very good at making it seem ten times worse. It's so weird to think about how all of this is actually the chaotic accumulative effect of little tiny A cruelties over the last four years, adding up, to the point where they don't even have to think about the butterfly effect of every bad decision they made in response to A's maneuverings and so forth, all the way back: You can just stop the story at any point and then play it forward, starting from any A outrage at all.
If Alison hadn't gotten Hanna into shoplifting, Wilden never would have been in a position to force himself on Ashley. If Ashley hadn't been in that position, she never would have robbed a bank. If A hadn't stolen the lasagna money, Ashley wouldn't be blackmailed by Wilden to this day and wouldn't have run him over, giving first the B-Team and then A+ the opportunity to frame her for murder. If A hadn't put the gun in Ashley's closet, Hanna wouldn't have flipped out and tried to hide it, leading to her mom's arrest. It's interesting to think about, because it's all drawing on so much history but never just simply their decisions: Always A herding them one way or the other, turning good calls into bad ones or nullifying them altogether, or taking bad moments and making them good so you can fall farther later.
HOWELL ACRES
Because this entire investigation is well above their paygrade, neither member of the D-Team recognizes Nigel Wright, the wicked hot young fella running the front desk, as the guy who escorted Jenna to Wilden's funeral (and believes himself to be dating her, just like everybody else she's dating).
Caleb: "As you may know, my buddy here is Pennsylvania's foremost teen contractor. We need help tracking down a deadbeat client who's skipped town."
Nigel: "Anybody can look up a flightplan online, don't you have the tail number?"
Caleb: "It's blocked, which as you know sometimes happens with celebrities or politicians or ghostly teenage air pilots wearing masks of their own faces."
Nigel: "I'm sorry to tell you that this plane flew away the night of the Lodge fire, but landed in Delaware and nowhere near Thornhill. No passengers, pilot's named John Smith."
Caleb: "I'm so sure. And I'm Pocahontas."
Nigel: "The resemblance is uncanny. Anyway, sorry. There was a lot of fog that night, though, so maybe they just couldn't land at Thornhill's crappy landing strip."
Oh well. They take off, somehow able to stop looking at this dude, and he immediately calls Jenna: Phase One is complete.
MONTGOMERY
Spencer: "Maybe I shouldn't have pushed Hanna off her mental ledge like that."
Aria: "I mean, the truth is going to fuck you either way. I'm more concerned about how it's spreading out this season. Ashley's in jail, Emily's parents are in the System suddenly, my mom was chased to Austria by bees, and now Mikey is the Batman?"
Spencer: "Do you honestly think A did this with the car?"
Aria: "It seems fairly likely, to be honest. Mikey's not acting weird about it at all, which runs counter to how sketchy a guilty Montgomery usually acts."
Emily: "Get your panties, let's go!"
Aria: "Uh, to your appointment?"
Emily: "No way, I stole Wilden's housekey from the police so we have to move fast."
Liars: "But your shoulder!"
Emily: "My future means nothing compared to the chance to commit a federal crime that will do no good. Get moving!"
WILDEN
The Liars case the joint: No matter how sloppy the cops were, it still looks pretty tossed. Partly this is because Wilden was packing his shit up when he got murdered. They all put on gloves, remind each other of what they've learned over the years -- "Lights stay off, put things back where you found them, don't touch anything" -- and it's very satisfying.
Everything is going well, as they look for a connection to the B-Team or NAT Club or whatever is going on there, and it's with blinding need to somehow get Shana in trouble that they are leveled to the ground when his landline starts ringing. It's a sign of what this show has done to me that my first thought -- merely in reaction to a phone ringing, in any place, on any show -- has become, "Somebody's calling from that secret robot bunker inside the sorority house that used to be under the control of that witch from another dimension who regularly received calls from a parrot in a cage down in Georgia!"
And then I was like, "That's ridiculous, Spencer only recently plugged that phone back in, and even if you *69'd it would just call Aria's phone, not Wilden's house." Which is like equally crazy if you think about it. "Don't be silly! The only person that knows the phone number of that secret robot room is a cannibalistic parrot."
REAR WINDOW
Toby: "Well, I'm blissfully happy to have a friend or human contact of any kind, and you're a homeless werewolf, so are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Caleb: "Sleepover?"
Toby: "Hell yeah!"
Caleb: "I miss Lucas."
They wonder how Nigel knew it was foggy that night at Thornhill, and despite there being no way to ever figure that out because clearly the guy was being sketchy, they spitball anyway. This is the brain trust level of super-sleuth action we're seeing at this time:
Toby: "Maybe he knew it was foggy that night because he's landed there before?"
Caleb: "Yeah, that makes no sense at all, but maybe. And I'm beginning to think that John Smith really is a pseudonym. Meaning that I am not, in fact, Pocahontas."
Toby: "Maybe this lighter engraved with NW and a compass doesn't belong to a sailor who lives in the northwest, but a pilot named Nigel Wright!"
Caleb: "Your first thought was that it belonged to a sailor who lived in the northwest?"
Toby: "No, my first thought was, I have just shit my pants because I'm about to be framed for yet another fire."
WILDEN
Liars: "He's so gross I feel like I am getting the grossness even through these gloves."
Aria: "I just found his entire porn stash. He is into some weird shit."
Spencer: "Grow up, everybody has porn. It is called the internet. I'm more interested in the fact that this place is entirely impersonal."
Emily: "Yeah, it's like he just came here to eat and sleep and change his socks..."
Aria: "And masturbate sometimes. They weren't even hidden in a decent place, just stacked to his nightstand."
Spencer: "Okay, that's a little harder to stomach."
Anyway, they find a delivery box from Omaha Steaks, but called some other knockoff thing, "Website Page" Steaks, and inside it the meat has rotted, leading to hilarious barfy reactions, and then in there is a note from A:
"Can't wait to see you at our little BBQ! Kisses, A."
So Nigel is Jenna's creature, making him B-Team, but A wanted Wilden to set the fire, which we already know was against the B-Team because he wasn't ever really in the B-Team. But only the D-Team still believes that Redcoat is A or runs the A-Team, because really Redcoat is the opposite of A and also the same thing at the same time as A. The A that ran Mona wore a red coat, but our Redcoat seems protective of the Liars. But then too, only after Mona left the A-Team did A+ really start killing people, so maybe the thing is that Redcoat has always been into torturing the Liars, but not killing them, which also fits Melissa's agenda in some ways, meaning that Wilden and Melissa were both at the mercy of the... Nope, lost it. Lost it again.
HANNA
Takes some time to get Ashley's court outfit together, all alone, and it's incredibly sad. She zips up the garment bag like her whole life's inside.
VP HACKETT
Ezra: "Is this a dream or are we really outside Hackett's office?"
Aria: "I'm just here for moral support. In there you will find Mikey, our dad, and Connor and Connor's dad. Man party. We are not invited."
Ezra: "No way could little Mike have done that! It's clearly something only the even tinier A or myself could do."
Aria: "I know. It's not going well. They're getting railroaded."
Ezra: "You told me not to swoop in and help you, and I hear that, but I'm going to do it anyway, okay? Tell me more information."
Aria: "He did break medical confidentiality by asking me about Mikey's meds."
Ezra: "There we go. One more question. Do you know who really did this? And if so, would you consider dating this person?"
Byron: "Ezra, I see you. Even though you are dressed as a teenager, I recognize you. Stop scamming on my daughter and stop being around and being helpful. I can fuck this up all on my own. Aria, you go home. This is a man party."
RWPDHQ
Cops: "Pam Fields is getting fired if she can't find that key Emily stole!"
Emily: "This one right here? God damn it. Why do I keep coming here?"
HOWELL ACRES FLIGHT CENTER
Nigel: "That's certainly not my lighter with my name on it. I don't even smoke."
Caleb: "But do you set fire to Lodges with it?"
Nigel: "No comment!"
Toby: "We think you are John Smith, and you pretended to fly to Delaware and you delivered a blonde girl in a red coat to Thornhill in the fog!"
Nigel: "I don't know about any of that. It sounds like a bunch of nonsense. But okay, fine. I was bribed to fake the flightplan, and lie to you about it if you showed up."
D-Team: "Now we're talking. Who paid you?"
Nigel: "This amazing lady named CeCe Drake."
D-Team: "That's... Kind of reasonable. We haven't heard from her in a while."
Nigel abruptly runs away, pulling down filing cabinets in his wake, but the boys just watch him go, because somehow in the kerfuffle -- including a sweet werewolf jump from Pocahontas -- Caleb got ahold of his phone. Always with the phones. And it's a good thing Caleb's still hanging around Rosewood, because he's always the one that does the stuff with the phones. Especially since none of these people is willing to use Mona as a resource no matter how gracefully she offers.
SCHOOL
Ezra: "This is Connor's word against Mikey's, correct?"
VP: "Oh great. Fitz is involved now. What a shocker."
Ezra: "The important thing is that nobody violated Mike's medical privacy, right?"
VP: "I mean, if he's crazy that's important..."
Ezra: "Yeah. Right up until you harassed his sister about it."
VP: "And again, it's kind of fucked up that you are swooping in on this. I was given to understand that you and Aria Montgomery were no longer swooping each other."
Ezra: "And yet. I think we both know I'm blackmailing you, and it's going to work."
D-TEAM
Spencer: "Just cut to the good stuff."
Caleb: "Here are all the calls he made. Lots to the same number in New York..."
Toby: "-- Including right after we left him the first time."
Spencer: "Since -- cleverly enough -- none of us have the information necessary to connect this guy back to Jenna, since I didn't see him at the airfield and you didn't see him at the funeral, let's assume CeCe Drake split to New York when she split."
Caleb: "To what end? Why she want to ruin Ashley or hurt Hanna?"
Toby: "Or any of you? She's great! Unless she helped set the fire. Or one of them was in league with the other."
Spencer: "She left because she was afraid of him. Scenario. They did set the fire, she then killed him, and this is all a coverup."
Boys: "Making her pretty much A?"
Spencer: "I mean who really knows. Just who the fuck knows what's going on at this point."
Spencer: "By the way, Toby, CeCe visited Mona in Radley. I guess that would have been interesting news to tell you at any point."
Toby: "We need a moment in private if we're going to discuss that, for whatever reason I am always so weird about my mom and Radley even though they couldn't be more obviously connected to A and thus up for discussion."
Caleb: "Don't start making out or anything! Just kidding, go for it. I miss Hanna."
Toby: "When did you find this out?"
Spencer: "Back when I was there. I found her visitor's pass in an old rocking-horse after hallucinating a homoerotic dance sequence with a ghost."
Toby: "I cannot process any of that. Do you think that crazy nonsense doctor might have been talking about CeCe Drake killing my mom?"
Spencer: "Or at least falsifying her records?"
Toby: "Either way, a compelling reason to commit to this line of investigation."
Spencer: "Thank you for not challenging me."
Caleb: "Are you guys making out yet?"
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "When did you get here?"
Mike: "Like a minute ago. You know, you're very pretty and very little, but not a great liar. Skyping with Mom? I love her, but I'm not staying home to do that. Come on. If only because you should know to cover your tracks better than that."
Aria: "So are you okay?"
Mike: "Cleared of all charges, thanks to your Mr. Fitz. I'm starting to wish I had done this, the guy's a jerk -- and I had just promised to protect you when it happened."
Aria: "Montgomerys don't do that. We find other ways to solve our problems. Like ignoring them, or blaming Byron."
Byron: "Did somebody say my name? I have brought food from a restaurant called Sausage King!"
Aria: "To what end? There is zero possibility that I am not a vegetarian."
FIELDS
Pam: "Emily, what are you UP to?"
Emily: "Just doing some homework. On Website Page Steaks. Just doing some steak homework."
Pam: "I meant thanks for missing your stupid appointment like you were obviously going to do."
Emily: "Honestly I am really sorry. Shit is tough. I had stuff to do! Save Hanna, get you fired..."
Pam: "By the way, good job on that one."
Emily: "You're fired?"
Pam: "Suspended."
"You crashed Wilden's. Now I'll make it all come crashing down. Kisses, A."
Emily: "Surely that is figurative and she's not going to drive a car actually into my living room."
FT FITZ
Ezra: "What are you, stalking me? Just kidding. That would be ironic."
Aria: "No, just dropping off a note to thank you for swooping. Followed by a note that simply says STOP SWOOPING. Followed by a picture of me in a bra with a paper bag over my head. And then that picture again, but with a big black box over the boobs."
Ezra: "You are the worst at dumping!"
Aria: "Or am I just dicking with your head?"
Ezra: "I would do anything for you, you know that. Except ever believe anything you say or trust your judgment about even the smallest things. Now, are we going to kiss or are you still being stupid about how it'll get me and my son killed, and also you have an awesome new boyfriend who actually respects you?"
Aria: "I gotta go. Just knowing that you are in continual pedophile misery brings me more comfort and pleasure than you can imagine."
Ezra: "We'll always have continual pedophile misery."
JAIL
Hanna's new tactic is to plead for a plea bargain and say it was self-defense, because basically that's all it would be even if she had done it, much less if she didn't.
Ashley: "Do you really not get me that much? No way!"
Hanna: "The difference is losing you for twenty years versus forever."
Ashley: "No, the difference is between that man still having me in sexual slavery versus me living my life as a free woman, even if it's in jail. Wilden doesn't get to just die and leave me looking like a criminal."
Hanna: "Compelling, but maybe you should think about it more. On the slim chance that Emily's continual bungling of this doesn't just end up randomly absolving you, or our terrible detective work doesn't turn up some new suspect that coincidentally actually did it. Which are the two most likely scenarios."
Ashley: "I think maybe I'll hang on until the last second, and then make this fake confession just as either or both of those things are happening without my knowledge. The unbearable irony of that the better to unravel any sanity you have left."
Hanna: "The way this season is going, that does sound like what's going to happen."
HOWELL ACRES
We never see Jenna, but we do see her shady sunglasses. On the other hand, she's drinking Lady Grey tea, which we've seen in an A-Tag before. I'm always so confused by A-Tags that aren't actually A. Like I spent a year thinking Lucas was radically different than he actually was, because it took me so long to figure out it's not always her. Which I understand is the point, but in this case we already have seen Nigel and Jenna together, somewhat intimately, and we have confirmation that she will "date" as many people as she has to, to get her shit done, so I'm sticking with Jenna Thing for this. Especially given her longstanding great taste in "dating" partners.
Anyway, Nigel knows that Pocahontas took his phone, and I guess the point is that Jenna is setting up CeCe Drake to take the fall for the Lodge fire, which Wilden's Website Page Steaks clue does link back to A for sure. It's looking more and more to me like Jenna Thing at some point joined Melissa's side of the B-Team, working for Redcoat against A, once Wilden started going nuts. Does that track? Or else A+ is Redcoat like they keep saying, and the only crazy in this scenario is yours truly. Which I could also believe.
Redcoat merely being the real A+ is like, the quantum effect of an observer collapsing a wave function. I'm really not overplaying my confusion at this point. I hope it's funny, but I also know that if you ask every question you can think of, it helps you pay attention to the information. And that we're entering the second half of the season, which is leading to Big Answers come summer's end, and I want to be as confused as possible when that happens so it'll be super exciting to watch.
Once you've had the peak experience of Mona Vanderwaal running around a burning forest lodge screaming "SHE'S EVERYWHERE AND SHE'S NOWHERE!" it's like your whole life just becomes a single-minded pursuit to re-experience that high.
FIELDS
Pam is explaining to her husband that she has been suspended from work until they find the key that Emily totally has, and Emily just feels more and more terrible as they discuss living off credit cards until she gets another job, and then the lights get very bright and a car drives into their living room! SMASH! Crash and burn, girl!
Based on Twitter, this is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened on TV, but I say it's pretty classy of them to show us Pam being perfectly alive before we cut to the
A-TAG
In which A bitchily / hilariously buys some home repair supplies and a gift card from the local Website Page Home Repair Store. I just hope Toby has time to get it fixed up before the raccoons move in.
WEEK
Hanna's finally desperate enough (slash sane enough) to get Mona's help with her mom. Caleb, of course, is not cool with this, leading Mona to quote "prove her loyalty in the most unexpected way," which I for one certainly hope involves blowing up more substitute teachers. (Unless it's a truly insane plan I thought of, which given that it's Mona it might be, and means very different and scary-sad new suspect/s in the murder.) Spencer returns to "an old haunt" to look into Wilden's death, and Emily possibly flees for Haiti with Rumer Willis because at this point, who knows. Ezra's hot on the case of this A stuff starting up again, while Jake helps Aria figure out what's going on with Mikey, which I bet is that he is: Wonderful.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.