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Holbrook's Lieutenant -- played by goddess-among-women Roma Maffia! -- shows up to help with the case, and immediately takes a shine to Hanna. They turn out Wilden's safe-deposit box and find a bunch of cash, passports and guns because he was shifty when alive, and the end result is that Ashley is no longer allowed to help customers with their safe depositing. (Also that Hanna is horrible to everyone, even Caleb, but that's less a result and more an ongoing process.) This so disheartens her that she finally admits to being in town the night he was killed, but swears to keep Hanna out of it. End result: Hanna is now fully convinced Ashley killed Wilden, but doesn't at all get why that would be awesome.
Sadly, Toby tracks down his mother's therapist upstate and seems to confirm her suicide, but then even more sadly, it turns out that the guy is actually crazy now and has nothing at all to offer -- except that, in one last demented brain-burp, he was pretty sure she was going to be attacked by a blonde bitch with a bad aura. So maybe she was a ninja or maybe not, but either way it's still up in the air about her death. So to speak.
The Fieldses, in a rare tandem appearance, are myst- and horrified by the secrets surrounding Emily's continual injuries and succumbing to various drugs and nerve agents, but they ask just the right questions that she has to abruptly leave the house. Paige talks her through her trauma about the future, and how maybe if she swims again she will die of rotator cuff, and then when they get back home it's to a bunch of cop cars! A has called in a domestic! It's so embarrassing and sad and gross.
Aria gets two good things this week, the second being her adventure with Spencer but the first being that she and Jake run into Malcolm on the street. Which is not a huge surprise because there is only one street. But the huge surprise is that Aria comes clean about almost the entire Fitzgerald/Fitz/Malcolm/Alex Mack situation, which is a totally new and very cool move, and Jake responds with an even cooler concept: "Are you hurt? Or are you injured. Because if you're injured, you get to leave the dojo. But if you're just hurt, shake it off." She says she's merely hurt, but he thinks Ezra is a chronic injury, and kind of dumps her until she figures it out. It is beautiful on every level. He may not be Noel Kahn, because nobody but Noel Kahn is or can ever be Noel Kahn, but he's fucking phenomenal either way.
Aria and Spencer stalk Melissa to Hector Lime's mask shop, where a surprising amount of Melissa stuff is revealed: Yes, she was one of the Queens of Hearts, yes, she was at the Lodge, yes, she was blackmailed into helping Wilden at various times. But everything has been about protecting Spencer, she hated Wilden, all of them were acting on someone else's mysterious orders, and the B-Team was at the Lodge because they wanted to see if the Liars could get Redcoat out of the shadows: It was, in fact, Wilden who set the fire. Melissa gave Hector the same deal Emily did -- her face for his secrets -- and we learn that they also think Ali's still alive, and orchestrating all of this.
Oh, and Lime saw Ali on her way out of town, desperate for cash, but that seems less like an answered question and more like something that we are going to learn more about later. And there was a really long convo between the Hastings women about what Melissa should wear to San Francisco or London depending on where she goes, and the answer was trenchcoats!, and then Spence dropped the UPenn rejection bomb, and her mom like could not process it, and it was kind of amazing.
In summation, it was a fantastic episode with fantastic Roma Maffia crushing it every which way, Hanna has jumped up her game considerably, Aria is having the time of my life, and Spencer actually squeezed about a hundred B-Team answers out of Melissa. Melissa, who is always reliably fantastic when you get down to it, but whose sketchiness draws such a hazy shroud across everything it's just one Big Sleep. So yeah: Who killed Wilden? Still don't know, still don't care. Miss him/Not sorry he's gone. Ashley and Melissa agree. (Everybody agrees. That man was not well-liked, despite his charm and sunny demeanor.)
Week: It's an away game as the gals crash a sorority party, A starts physically menacing Emily -- I think including the Medusa mask -- and somebody drives a car through a wall. I feel like it will probably be a Marin, but I hope to God it's not the Marin's house, I love that freakin' house. Actually at this point it will probably be Emily's house, because it's the only worse thing that can happen there at this point.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Spencer was surprised to learn that bragging to UPenn about she's a dangerous mental patient who kidnaps children did not augment her family legacy status, getting her rejected. Toby's mother either committed suicide or did not commit suicide but either way she got her kid raped doing it. Alison made a million masks of her own face because she's just like that, and Emily's injured shoulder is the new bracelets.
In Moms news: Ashley Marin most likely stole ex-husband's gun and used it to shoot Darren Wilden a million times in his perfect face while wearing expensive heels on the banks of Torch Lake. And Aria pushed her mom all the way to a castle in Austria ("twist my arm!") while also ambivalently staring into the gift-horse mouth of her perfect boyfriend, Karate Jake. Most importantly, Pam Fields curb-stomped her daughter in front of witnesses after school for stealing her pills, sending A for the authorities and causing the authorities to hit pause on Afghanistan long enough to bring Dad home (and for Pam to switch places with '80s teen rocker Tiffany on an all-new Celebrity Wife Swap).
THIS AM
Mr. Fields arrives in his uniform just as Emily's headed off to school. I guess with them constantly switching places Pam just couldn't be arsed to pick him up from the airport. He gives Emily a silent hug and then goes inside to lean sideways on the couch with his wife and talk about how their daughter is a pretty little liar/on drugs/lesbian, just like in the good old days. Emily spares them one last goodbye look like, "Sorry all my dead loves of my life keep embarrassing you guys." It's actually quite painful due to how Emily is perfect, and yet keeps looking like a disaster to the people she wants the most approval from.
Meanwhile, Hanna is keepin' up her bitch streak.
Caleb: "So your dad told me your mom shot a gun and then went sneaking around town while she was supposed to be seeing a Broadway musical..."
Hanna: "Fuck you, that didn't happen! Prove it!"
Caleb: "See but these are just facts. If he got shot with a .38 your mom is screwed: Fact. Facts, they are objectively divorced from your opinions or how you would like for things to be in a different universe."
Hanna: "Suck my different universe! You can't handle my infinite nature!"
Caleb: "Okay but I'm going to keep being awesome until you pull it together."
Hanna: "It'll be a hashtag day in hell when you save the day, Caleb Rivers."
Liars: "Good morning, Hanna. You look wonderf..."
Hanna: "Shut up, what is the story on that Melissa mask and when can we destroy her."
Aria: "Rude."
Spencer: "I have had many creepy convos with my sister, but that wasn't one of them."
Hanna: "Then what is your purpose? Pull your ass together."
Aria: "Seriously, drop the 'tude. It's been four episodes."
Hanna: "If she killed Wilden and/or is A, we need to lock this down before she ditches town and pins it all on my mom. Stop protecting her!"
Spencer: "If you honestly think I would raise one elegant finger to protect that lady..."
Aria: "Emily, how is your shoulder?"
Emily: "It is about to be from a broken family, I think?"
Holbrook: "Roma Maffia, my God is it nice to see you. You are magnificent in everything that you do. What a get. Can we make out?"
Roma: "I know, I know. Everybody gets all obsessed with me because I am the greatest, but I need you to focus. Those girls dress like crazy people! I wouldn't have gotten away with that."
Holbrook: "What about killing all the cops in Rosewood, or finding a shovel?"
Roma: "Nope, I was raised right. And that's why I'm now your lieutenant. But for the moment, it's time to put the screws to those pretty little liars over there."
QUAD
Hanna: "I sincerely doubt that Hector Lime is going to notice I stole one single mask. That guy has so many heads he'll never miss one."
Spencer: "Quite a turn of phrase."
Daddy Fields: "Come straight home to Robot House after school, roger."
Emily: "Oh my God you abuse one prescription and get your parents thrown in parenting jail one time and spent three years acting sketchy as hell and breaking every bone in your body and getting molested by Lucas Gottesman and drowning and blacking out and waking up at graves and suddenly it's like Oooh we're so worried about you."
Aria: "Look around this table. You have the only working family on this show."
Emily: "It comes down to the constant lies I am constantly telling about every aspect of my life. They are hard to juggle. I wish I could debt-consolidate all my little lies into one huge one, it would be easier to manage."
Aria: "I feel like Hanna is going to come clean about everything going on with her that is making her act so horrific, so in lieu of being a good friend and holding her hand through that, I'm gonna bounce."
Liars: "Cool, hey how's your perfect boyfriend?"
Aria: "The worst. Later."
Liars: "Wait, we actually care about your life today. Is your mom really running away to a castle with a muffin man?"
Aria: "I figure A can't get to her in Austria. Hope A doesn't have a passport."
(Mona: "Bitch, A has the opposite of no passport. She is everywhere and nowhere. How many times do I have to tell you this?")
Aria: "Anyway, as you can I am dressed for my meeting with the Rhythm Nation 1812 and I have no time for your mess."
Spencer: "I was so looking forward to senior year. It's supposed to be the best year of your life."
Emily: "Yeah, for losers. Or for NAT Clubbers, since they die after high school."
Spencer: "Not dying truly has become our new measure of success. How droll."
HASTINGS LADIES KAFFEEKLATCH
Veronica drones on and on about Melissa's winter fashions, in lieu of there being anything you could possibly talk to both Hastings sisters about at the same time. Besides their same boyfriends, I guess. It's so nice to see her. I wish Spencer liked her more. Melissa too. Speaking of Melissa, she is also very interested in talking about her many trenchcoats for the weather of many lands. Just one more thing Melissa and Veronica share that makes Spencer feel unloved. Trenchcoat Club, for the discussion mainly of trenchcoats.
Spencer: "I don't give a fuck about the crispy Seattle weather of San Francisco or London. I don't give a fuck about trenchcoats. In fact, after Hanna spending all day reaming us I feel like spreading some shit around, so here's a thing. I got rejected from UPenn."
Veronica: "But don't they know you are going there? Do you need trenchcoats? Melissa, do you have any old trenchcoats Spencer can take with her to UPenn?"
Spencer: "Are you a special victim? I just said I'm not going there. Get crucial."
Veronica: "But wait, how can you go there if you're not going there? What're we gonna do with all these trenchcoats?"
Melissa: "She's glitching, honey. Ignore her. You were early decision. There's still stuff we can do, people we can bribe and/or menace..."
Spencer: "I don't need your fucking help, extended in good faith. You're such a jerk. Also, my whole future being on fire is kind of awesome. I'm upset about it, but also invigorated."
Melissa: "Cool. We are still in The Big Sleep, by the way."
Spencer: "I know. You got stuff to teach me. About bein' sketch."
Veronica: "And getting trenchcoats at a discount!"
ASHLEY'S OFC
Hanna's chilling when Holbrook and Roma Maffia show up, so then she has to explain to a rapidly flipping out Ashley exactly why she already knows him. He introduces Roma around, and they all fall instantly in love with her.
Roma: "Staring right in my eye, huh? I like that."
Hanna: "It's more like I can't look away. You got a certain thing, lady."
Ashley: "Hanna, step away from the lieutenant. Actually, just leave."
Roma: "She can stick around. I want to see her freak out."
Why? Because they're opening up Wilden's safe-deposit box, which contains loads of cash, passports both American and Canadian, and yet another gun.
Ashley: "Man, none of that stuff should be in there! This is the worst bank. Do you see any fraudulent architect's pens in there?"
Holbrook: "But like weren't you the person who walked him to the vault?"
Roma: "So no bank employee would ever have seen this stuff, except you."
Ashley: "Um."
Roma: "I mean right now, just now when we showed you. Of course."
Hanna: "You're a real piece of work, Roma Maffia."
FIELDS
Emily: "Okay so what we need first to figure out is, why was she at the Lodge with Jenna Thing and Halloween Shana? Is she on the B-Team? Why did the B-Team set us up for the Black Swan, and the Red Queen, and the Lodge Fire if they are not just A-Team or a second string of the A-Team? Is this still NAT Club nonsense? If they're not, who is left on the A-Team now that Mona and Toby (and you) are back on our side? Is Redcoat just now bringing them into play now that Mona's betrayed her?"
Spencer: "Those are very good questions! Good thing none of us are really interested in answering them* any time soon. So instead, let's set up a huge drama-queen trap for Melissa where we confront her with a mask of her own face. It solves nothing, but she might feel awkward for a few seconds before she goes socio and just explains it away like Hastingses always do. That would be funny, don't you think?"
*(Spoiler Alert From the Future: I can't even believe I'm about to say this, but the show is about to drop about 87 truth bombs about this shit in a minute and it's going to be amazing.)
Emily: "I gotta go eavesdrop on my parents being appalled by my behavior, brb. They 'think they're alone now.'"
Tiffany: "I am so ashamed of our daughter, which makes me hate myself!"
Dad: "I too feel embarrassed that our family is trashy enough they called CPS."
Tiffany: "Because we know we aren't! We're awesome! Put that 'Kid In A Corner'!"
Dad: "I blame Emily. She is a pretty little liar."
Tiffany: "But really we're both just worried about her because we realize she's perfect, so clearly there is another level of shit going on."
It's nice to hear. But it brings Emily no relief! It is very sad, and very evocatively filmed: Emily looking tiny in her doorframe, half in the darkness, leaning like she's about to fall down, while the deep voices of her parents just go on and on downstairs. Poor Emily!
DR. VARGAS
Emily: "Dr. Vargas, it seems like you're a big deal suddenly. Listen, I am not being abused."
Vargas: "Your rotator cuff disagrees."
Emily: "I mean, how am I supposed to convince you I am okay and you shouldn't have called Family Services? I can tell you a million times that you're wrong, but you're just going to think I'm being servile or protecting my abuser or whatever else confirms your narrative."
Vargas: "True. Just give in. So what if I'm wrong? They'll investigate and realize it. If you can count on one thing, it's the efficiency and efficacy of American social services."
Emily: "Yeah, this sucks. I'm out."
Vargas: "One more thing. You need rest, rehab and maybe surgery for your rotator cuff."
Emily: "You know that I am 89% swimming, correct?"
Vargas: "If you ever swim again, you will die."
THE BEST SCENE
Hanna is dressed up so fine and looking so good! She comes over to flirt a clue or two out of Roma Maffia, and it becomes this incredible game of Woman Chess where their bodies and faces are having a completely different conversation than their words. Hanna is charismatic as all hell, and never lets you forget the three or four levels on which she's having to operate right now because of all the stuff; meanwhile Roma Maffia is pretty open about how she's pumping Hanna for info while they're having this talk. It all comes out pretty equable, because Hanna's clever enough to only tell Roma things that are both helpful and exonerate Ashley and the Liars but still moves the case along, while Roma describes this whole lovely arc over the scene of slowly realizing that Hanna is both playing her and also totally acting in good faith, while still wanting to grind her into the dirt to get her answers.
The whole show is of course about A forcing them into the impossible choice of their love over their own safety, right now, but this scene does it in a whole new way: They can both sense there's a way everybody could get out alive, but neither of them knows how to get there, or what it looks like -- and neither one is willing to show any more of their hand than will help them in the short term -- so it's like two blindfolded people with useless flashlights bumping into each other in a semi-friendly way, looking for the exit. I have watched this scene like four times just because I love it.
Hanna: "Oh my God, I love your shoes! Where did you get them?"
Roma: "From the shores of Torch Lake. Have a seat."
Hanna: "Cool, I was just out for a stroll. Hey apropos of nothing, did you know Melissa Hastings is a bitch?"
Roma: "Kinda got that impression. She's had a hard couple years."
Hanna: "She was really close to Wilden, which you might not know since she blatantly lies about it constantly. But she loved going on his boat at Cape May, along with various other murderers and bitches."
Roma: "How about you, ever go on that boat?"
Hanna: "What I want to say is, Wilden was a psycho and I wouldn't go on his boat without a harpoon gun at the least. But that'd make my mom sound guilty, so I'll stick with no. Weird, all that money and passports and that gun. Isn't that weird?"
Roma: "I am not in charge of what's weird, honey."
Hanna: "Doesn't it seem like he was crooked though? Like in the Russian Mob or...?"
Roma: "Are you telling me this is a RICO case? Lots of Russian Mafia with one F here in Rosewood?"
Hanna: "You're funny. I like that. But no, it was just a for-instance. Like for instance, maybe he dressed up like a clown lady on a Halloween Train and put my friend in a box with the other dead cop's body or something. Like, maybe that's a sketchy something a person with a safe-deposit box would do."
Roma: "Do you have a safe-deposit box? Does your mom?"
Hanna: "No, we're strictly a lasagna family."
Roma: "How about this, how much time did you spend with Wilden? Like how many times did he harass you at school? What about that time you found a shovel?"
Hanna: "OMG no you didn't. That was amazing, you totally said we found a shovel."
Roma: "Yeah and you blinked, too."
#CalebSavesTheDay
Caleb: "Hanna, come away from that bewitching State Police Lieutenant immediately."
Hanna: "Lady I am crushing it right now."
Roma: "She really is, it's awesome. I could do this all day. See you around, Blondie."
Caleb: "We both know RWPD is a bunch of nonsense, but Roma Maffia is the real deal."
Hanna: "Duh, it's totally exciting. Plus I have to, because my mom didn't kill that cop!"
Caleb: "I really kind of think she did."
(Roma: "I kind of do too.")
(Hanna: "I kind of do too, really, but that's a secret not even I know yet.")
(Jacob: "I sure as hell hope so, but no.")
TOBY STUFF
Spencer: "So I found your mom's therapist's new job, in Saratoga."
Toby: "I know it well, I go there often on my child business. Headin' out, you stick around and fuck with your sister like you want to anyway."
Spencer: "So why is this even happening in my house if I'm not going with?"
BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL
Now they are still kissing, but suddenly it is kissing in the coffee shop. I guess he's still leaving. I guess we missed the rest of the montage where they kissed everywhere and kept saying goodbye over and over like in Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. Somewhere Aria's like, "Man, I should have thought of that. Childhood, you just keep slippin' away." Kissing in the church bushes where Emily found him that time. Kissing in the various houses that have unexplainedly blown up around them over the years. Kissing in the woods where somebody pretended to be his corpse, just for laughs.
"This isn't goodbye, it's seeya later. As in, I will 'see you later' in a few minutes, at the location where we will kiss and say, Seeya later."
Aria: "Spencer you know he's going after the cArAvAn."
Spencer: "No, this is about dead mom stuff I don't feel like talking to you about."
Emily: "Okay is there a way we can fuck Shana over with this? Let's blame Shana."
Spencer: "I want to see what happens when Melissa comes face-to-face with the mask."
(Jacob: "NAILED IT.")
Spencer: "Will she run to Hector Lime?"
Emily: "Will she run to Shana? I really wanna get Shana."
Aria: "Or maybe one of the million other people we hate. Let's not have dessert before our vegetables, you guys."
Emily: "Well, whatever. Paige just showed up lookin' stellar. Peace."
Spencer: "Are you ready for this? Are you ready to get Melissa? By showing her a mask?"
Aria: "Yes but can we do it tomorrow? I don't really have time to save our own lives and the lives of the people we love most in the world tonight."
Spencer: "I think you deserve to go on a date with Karate Jake. Frankly, you could devote more time and energy to that relationship. It makes you bearable."
Aria: "I know, right? I'm thinking either I will drive it into the ground like a prop plane flown by a teenager wearing a mask of her own face over her face, or I will grow and change by dating someone who wasn't basically created by a sea witch to be my perfect mate."
OUTSIDE
Paige awesomely sympathizes about the rotator cuff conversation in the perfect Emily way: By pointing out that Emily's failure is her success. I really do appreciate what they've done this season. It's not like some teen show where you just ignore the fact that your girlfriend tried to kill you in the pool, you just turn it into something to be sexy about. It's more like real life that way. (I mean, I'm guessing. When I drown my competition, they fuckin' stay down. Chaos is a ladder and the climb is all there is.)
Emily: "If I never swim again because then I'll die, how can we live in your purple lesbian matrix simulacrum?"
Paige: "Wait, what?"
Emily: "Nothing, just give me a hug. But don't touch my shoulder."
KARATE DATE
Aria looks amazing! Her mustards are receiving sufficient accolades, if you know what I mean. Sweet hipster side-pony, nothing too much of a muchness, fun party shirt like a Chrysler Building, a nice red lip. Hanna's got some looks this episode, but I think Aria wins overall.
Jake: "One thing I love about Jackie Chan is, he shows you how hard it is."
Aria: "That's what she said."
Malcolm: "Mommy Aria! Please don't throw me on the ground or let your friends abduct me!"
Aria: "Oh hey, little boy that I don't know. Are you here alone? Do you come here often to this bookstore by yourself?"
Malcolm: "No, because I'm five! My real parents are in the bookstore, like you could have assumed."
Jake: "Are you buyin' books? What kinda books?"
Malcolm: "Don't talk to hot condescending strangers kind of books, sir."
Jake: "It's okay, being adorable with little kids is my actual job at karate school. Plus, the best parts of my dancing movie besides the dancing."
Malcolm: "Why don't you come around anymore? Is it because I failed you?"
Aria: "You divorce wives, not children. But I must say that giving your daddy back to your mommy so you don't get murdered does have the downside of not hanging out with you. Or boning your dad. But now I got this steamin' hot cup of sex to deal with."
Jake: "Aria, you have so many weird things going on all the time. I love it. But that seemed suspiciously like a stepmom conversation."
Aria: "Don't be silly. Ezra Fitz is just an English teacher, nothing more."
Jake: "I think, more."
LATER @ MONTGOMERY PORCH
Jake: "Okay, thanks for telling me about your whole world of issues."
Aria: "It's like a movie when I say it all at once."
Jake: "Color or monochrome?"
Aria: "Happy parts in color, sad parts in black and white. Both sometimes, if you're lucky, and then it's rainy Golden Hour."
Jake: "If you're going to torture a metaphor, you should stick to your guns. You said you liked the black and white parts best. I think really you want to time-travel back to Ezra Fitz, and part of it is the black and white parts. I am all-color, all the time. Which given what I've seen is not what you are into. But also, you are not done with Ezra Fitz."
Aria: "Much like getting rid of Ella, it's important to get rid of Ezra. Movie's over. Roll credits. I can't tell you why, though, so here is a cute porch kiss."
Jake: "Do you really want to be with somebody who would kiss you after that story?"
Aria: "Damn, you're impressive. How can you be a man and live in Rosewood?"
Jake: "At the dojo we say, 'Are you hurt or are you injured?' If you're injured, I'll send you home. If you're just hurt, rub some dirt on it."
Aria: "I have no idea what that means."
Jake: "That is too bad because I just laid down some fundamental fucking wisdom. Also it is universal and it works for everything."
It does! I am so in love with it! My goodness, that's good. It's like the entire answer to my Cartesian meltdown the other week.
Aria: "I will call you okay, if I ever stop being a trainwreck."
Jake: "Great, I look forward to that never."
SARATOGA
Toby: "Dr. Palmer on this random bench, are you alive? I have a question."
Palmer: "Ah yes, Marion Cavanaugh, the Radley suicide. Funny thing, memory. I remember my childhood and your mother's questionable suicide like it was yesterday, but if you asked me what I had for lunch..."
Toby: "I don't care what you had for lunch, I just care about ninjas. Was my mother a ninja?"
MARIN
Ashley: "End result, I'm no longer allowed to walk clients to the vault. They took away my key and lanyard. It was humiliating, but no moreso than the average Rosewood day."
Hanna: "Is this coming from Holbrook and Tanner or what?"
Ashley: "Frankly, I would not wish to know the answer to this question."
Hanna: "Things keep getting worse, huh?"
Ashley: "The opposite of what I thought would happen when Wilden died. Just know that this won't touch you. No matter what."
Hanna: "Two things. First of all, too late. Second of all, I know you were here in town that night."
Ashley: "How'd you know that?"
Hanna: "Like ten different easily verifiable ways. But it would have felt good to hear you deny it one more time."
The sky suddenly goes black as she says this and ravens start cawing! OMG, Marins. It's like a yucky Jenna flashback that never comes, never comes, that just leaves you hanging bro. Maybe this is Ravenswood calling, like a werewolf ghost telegram of crows from Ravenswood Pennsylvania. "Is Caleb Rivers here? We're crows." "No, he's off wherever he lives. Whatever abandoned walls he lives in." "Okay thanks." "What is it regarding?"
Dear Mr. Rivers, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Ravenswood School of Bitchcraft & Fuckery. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 28 October. We await your owl by no later than 31 July. Signed, The Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards.
PALMER
Palmer: "You know how some people are just bummers? Your mom was like that. A real drag. And then she fell. Literally? Maybe."
Toby: "Or she was pushed. That roof was parkour time and we both know it."
Palmer: "Or I was just in denial, like you are now. Or it was the heavy air that did it."
Toby: "Did she have trouble with other patients, or staff? Or weird visitors with masks of their face over their face?"
Palmer: "Her main problem was clinical, suicidal depression. And the air pushing down on her with its heaviness. Science. Force equals mass times time times weight of the air."
Toby: "Forces? You mean like a conspiracy?"
Palmer: "No, I mean like I am totally crazy. This was just me being a lunatic this whole time. Did you know that the air can push you down and I was not actually talking in metaphors? I am talking about the physical effects of very heavy air. It is part of my research that I write on the walls in my feces. It will soon be published in the Heavy Air Studies Of Crazy People Journal, from the Saratoga University Press."
Toby: "Oh no! I didn't immediately understand that you are crazy. I didn't figure it out at first. Oh, I have to go."
Palmer: "Cool! Bring your crummy mom time. And tell her to stay away from that blonde bitch! She is about to throw her ass out a window, man."
Toby: "...What? This is the worst day since yesterday."
HASTINGS KITCHEN
Melissa is chilling in there, while we are out here in A-Vision, but you know it's Spencer's crazy ass who has laid a trap. A suitcase trap! Hashtag Melissa'sTrapped!
Spencer As Melissa: "Oh, what's my suitcase doing down here? I hope it doesn't have a mask of my own face in there, that would be too much. Wait, what is this in my bugout gear, under all of my trenchcoats? What the hell is this with this mask?"
Spencer As Spencer: "Just you, in mask form. She'll put it together in a second."
Melissa As Melissa: "Fuck this. Fuck everybody. I am going dark."
Spencer's Melissa voice is oddly sexy. Just sayin'. Anyway, Melissa runs. Success! Aria and Spencer are overjoyed. I hope this goes somewhere shocking. This show does more shit to Melissa without ever making up for it, I love it. I love even more when they take it backwards into Spencer's sibling paranoia, like when Veronica was just suddenly like, "What are you, stupid? Of course her entire pregnancy was fake."
FIELDS
Dad: "The problem is that we don't know what is actually going on, so we're under fire for things that we don't even know where they are."
Tiffany: "I admit, I 'saw you standing there' and I did kind of go ham on you. But it was no big! And now they think you were hurt in this house, which upsets me as a homemaker. But as a mother, I need to know who's hurting you."
Emily: "No answers! Just trust me, I'm doing the best I can. You would be impressed."
Dad: "We have a right to know what's going on! Screw trust!"
Emily: "Stop yelling or I will call Family Services. Just kidding. Levity."
Tiffany: "You want us to trust you but this is about someone actually hurting your body. That's not something I'm gonna be trusting you with, lady."
Emily: "I talked to Vargas, I'm fixing it..."
Fieldses: "[Go apeshit.]"
Dad, randomly: "Plus now we have to talk about how this figures into your life plan!"
Tiffany: "Let it ride, honey. She's just seventeen, and you know what I mean. I have to go tour some malls with NKOTB in a minute anyway."
Emily: "I know that if I swim again I will die, and so my answer is that I will get three more jobs. For college. I am still Emily Fields, you dinks!"
Dad: "You know what I think, the shit that is always going on with you is still going on with you. I mean, you can only stab a certain number of people to death in lighthouses before it starts to look like a pattern..."
Emily: "Too close!"
She runs out into the night. I mean, she kind of has to. They are one unanswered question away from understanding the events of this show at least as well as I do, and that's saying a lot considering it's my job, even if I still don't have a fucking clue.
MARIN
Hanna: "Me and my mom are a team. We hide money in places together, we move giant ficuses around in the middle of the night together for no reason, we kill cops together. We do sex to people, on occasion, just to lighten each other's burdens. But maybe she's right, maybe this time I'm out of my league."
Caleb: "Okay what is her story today?"
Hanna: "She finally admitted she was here that night -- which was awful, by the way, like it actually changed the weather -- and then it was just more and more awk..."
(Ding-dong!)
Holbrook and Tanner! They are so delightful. Both of you, never leave. Don't go dying like these dumb municipal cops. Don't hurt my girls, or I will injure you, but also never ever leave. Just talk in those voices of yours coming out of those faces of yours.
Hanna: "Ashley's not here, even though her car is here."
Caleb: "Because I drive her around sometimes I guess."
Holbrook: "You're Caleb Rivers! I have you on my vision board. to a picture of a shovel."
Hanna: "Anyway, get out please."
Ashley: "Thanks, dudes. That was chill of you."
Haleb: "Are you gonna..."
Ashley: "Nope. Just send more wine up in the dumbwaiter where Caleb used to live."
HASTINGS STAKEOUT
By the time they've tracked her to Hector Lime's Limehouse of Dimensional Arts, Melissa has done whatever she is gonna do, and comes out with a heavy bag like might have a body in it. Her hair looks so freaking good.
Spencer: "How big a man was Hector? Would he fit in that bag?"
Aria: "No. He was small, but she's doing that one-handed. I'm sure it's mask upon mask."
Spencer: "I've got a great idea. Let's split up!"
Spence follows Melissa toward the docks so she can get murdered by Melissa, and Aria goes inside -- "no prob, I've had three martial arts lessons" -- to get murdered by Hector Lime and his whole face. Nothing is going on in there, although Aria finds -- note, by seeing it first framed in a mirror -- an entire shelf of Alison masks. And out on the dock, Melissa is having a good old-fashioned smash party. The kind where you smash!
Aria: "Hector Lime, why did I find a shit-ton of Ali masks?"
Lime: "I destroyed the mold, not the castings. Look at her perfect face forever."
Aria: "And she always came alone?"
Lime: "Yes. Wait, I mean no."
FLASHBACK!
(In fast-rewind I swear I thought Hector Lime was the return of Toby's do-rag. It's still pretty extravagant, pretty flagrant, but not really the same in terms of what it does for your soul to see Toby in his do-rag.)
Alison: "You do-rag motherfucker, I came for a lil sumpin' sumpin' and you're gonna give it to me. All the money!"
Lime: "I can't give you more of your sitting fee until I get paid by the Joan of Arc enthusiast."
Alison: "I don't have time for your bitch problems, fuckface! Give me everything in your fucking wallet. And directions to the interstate!"
LIMEHOUSE
Lime: "She was acting twitch as hell. She was acting like Floater Girl from The OC, it was cray. But I didn't see who was driving the car she jumped into."
Aria: "And this would have been right around the time she died, obviously."
Lime: "Obviously."
SMASH PARTY
Spencer: "Enjoying your smash party?"
Melissa: "It is a setup! You set me up!"
Spencer: "Yes and now you are stuck until you tell me answers."
Melissa: "Can you think of a single time the answers haven't only fucked you up more?"
Spencer: "Apparently not, considering I tried to write an essay about that and it ended up getting me blacklisted from the University of Pennsylvania."
Spencer: "Were you on the Halloween Train?"
Melissa: "What the fuck is a Halloween Train."
Spencer: "Nobody knows but is it where you saw Mona in the Ali mask?"
Melissa: "Wait, yes. You're right. I did see Mona in the Ali mask on the Halloween Train."
LIMEHOUSE
Aria: "Okay what about the lady that just left with a smash party in a sack?"
Lime: "She was also here about the Ali masks, so I made the Emily deal with her."
Aria: "She gave you her face?"
Lime: "I get all the faces. I got mad faces."
Aria: "What'd you tell her?"
Lime: "Less than I told you guys. Hey, can I have your face?"
SMASH PARTY
Spencer: "You were curious about the Ali masks too?"
Melissa: "Yes! And in a very telling detail, which I am not prone to giving often so listen up, I was interested in the exact timeline of their creation."
Spencer: "W/r/t her disappearance, you mean. Do you also think she's alive?"
Melissa: "Come on, we all know she's alive. Get real."
Spencer: "Hey how come you tried to kill me on that train?"
Melissa: "That was Wilden! I would never."
Holy shit is this happening? This is really happening. So much love.
Spencer: "You were both wearing the same outfit to a Halloween party? Awkward! Even more awkward how you punched Paige in the boob and roofied Aria and locked her in a box with your (latest) old dead boyfriend. Why help him?"
Melissa: "We weren't helping, we were scared to death of him."
Spencer: "We who? NAT Club?"
Melissa: "Fuck the NAT Club."
Spencer: "No, there's a connection between you B-Team and Alison. Was Wilden blackmailing you?"
Melissa: "No, he wasn't that smart. His idea of blackmail was sliding a glass of wine across the table and then smiling smugly for a minute and then later getting his hot ass run over. No, he was acting on orders. I didn't know it was about getting you Liars on the Train until the mission was underway."
Spencer: "Because it became about murdering Garrett?"
Melissa: "No comment."
Spencer: "Fine, bitch. Nice heads up on the Train thing, btw."
Melissa: "I have been protecting you since it started! I have been protecting you since before it started!"
Spencer: "Okay what about the Lodge? Why set me on fire?"
Melissa: "We weren't there to burn you, we were there to watch you. To see if you were there to meet Redcoat. Wilden set the fire. I don't know who saved you, but probably it was her."
Spencer: "How do you know Jenna and Shana? What are they doing in this? Why do you think Ali's alive?"
Melissa's Face: "(Girl hand me your phone and your wallet because you are about to go in that lake.)"
Spencer, psychically: "Whoa, you killed Wilden?"
Melissa, verbatim: "Let it go, Spencer. You have to let it go, or it will come apart in ways that you cannot even imagine."
Even Spencer: "Daaaaaamn."
But also isn't that kind of what we thought? The whole "Melissa has been shady but only by way of protecting Spencer" thing? I don't know if we talked about it, but when she said that my whole body nodded. Yes Melissa, that makes total sense Melissa. Like, her sketchiness just never adds up. And the whole show is about protecting people that way, where you bear the full brunt of the sketchiness. Covering for people who are covering for people who are covering for people who are addicted to pain cream. And Melissa's always come through before -- even when she was ganking people's yogurt, it was only because she had a pretend pregnancy. She was eating yogurt for pretend two.
Although you know, she did call the Liars "bitches" at the Lodge, that was not so nice. But still it's Melissa, and I like her. Plus, you know how many of my boyfriends you get to fuck before I join a conspiracy to destroy your life? Less than one. Certainly less than "All."
U SWIM U DIE
Paige is up to her old tricks of swimming laps in near-total darkness, as is done by the Rosewood Ladysharks, and there are shadowy movements, and but then it turns out to be Emily. Who is looking very Hastings Beefmo right now. (Or maybe it is a MEDUSA! Wearing a MASK OF EMILY!)
Paige: "Whew! I thought it about to be murder time."
Emily: "No, just total crying like usual."
Paige: "Hang on, let me get out of this pool real slow with my rockin' bod."
Emily: "Cover it up, we need to talk. About: My life is over."
DOCKS
Aria: "...Where's Melissa?"
Spencer: "Gone. And don't worry about it. Let's finish up this smash party and go home."
I love that. We didn't even have to see it to know exactly how that went down. "Thanks, bitch. Get on out of here. Sorry I hid a face of your face in your suitcase of trenchcoats."
WEIRD COMMERCIAL
"One time Caleb wore a mask. Let's talk to Tyler Blackburn about a movie called The Lone Ranger, which involves a mask also."
Tyler Blackburn: "Caleb is a sort of hero and so is the Lo..."
ABC Fam: "Good point Tyler Blackburn now back to Pretty Little Liars."
I love these commercials so much. I wish this was for every movie, and not just Disney/ABC vertical integration.
"Laura Leighton runs people over with cars on this show and there are both cars and people in White House Down and now back to Pretty Little Liars."
"Mona Vanderwaal speaks French and there are snails in the new Dreamworks motion picture Turbo so thanks Janel Parrish‎ and now back to Pretty Little Liars."
SWIMMING POOL
Emily: "I blame myself for everything all the time."
Paige: "Yeah, you should have let A run over Aria and Mona."
Emily: "I'm serious."
Paige: "Uh, so am I. But listen, you can find another dream. You can take that 11% of you that isn't swimming, and do something with less arms to it."
Emily: "I'm just saying that cheering you on from the stands would probably kill me."
Paige: "I don't think that sounded the same in your head. But whatever, you don't know what will happen after surgery. We will swim again. Look at us. We beat the odds."
Emily: "Thanks for supporting me. My parents are getting worse at that all the time."
Oh no! At her house there are cops! Lights going, the whole deal! Somebody called in a domestic at the Field house! It just keeps getting worse and worse and tackier and tackier! Oh, this makes my tummy hurt.
Emily: "Bitches I told you not to yell at me. Now see what you did?"
Tiffany: "I mean obviously this is no big deal. I'm still being really cool about this, but that's easy when you weren't even here to be abused when they showed up. Thank God you went running out of the house like a lunatic."
Paige: "I'm just going to stand here feeling absolutely terrible if that's okay."
Tiffany: "That's how you know you're a part of our family."
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "How do you make tea? I guess turn the burners up to about a hundred so the flames are licking the ceiling. That's probably step one."
Spencer: "Well, Melissa has disappeared. Car's gone, barn's empty."
Lol, the barn. Also, for reasons known only to Aria, her side pony has completely traveled to the other side of her head. She still looks freaking amazing, but it's like looking into a mirror and finding out you are Aria Montgomery. What on earth would you do in that circumstance.
Aria: "So we believe her explanation of this TV show?"
Spencer: "Weirdly yes. Maybe not the part where she said off-camera -- or never actually said at all and just changed the subject -- that she didn't kill Wilden."
A Text: "Melissa's guilty of plenty, but she's not A material. Kisses!"
Hanna: "I'm here suddenly, looking like I'm about to chunder."
Aria: "I was just about to call you but had not yet dialed. Am I magic?"
Hanna: "No, honey. Listen, though. I am more certain than ever that my mom killed Wilden and A knows it."
Liars: "OMG."
Teakettle: "OMGeeeeeeEEEEEEE."
A-TAG
Among A's haul with her Torch Lake net? A string of pearls, the least smashed mask from the smash party, and some nice pictures she took of her Bratz dolls. I think it's Ali but I don't know for sure. What was it? We may find out, we may never find out. Such is the glory of the A-Tag.
WEEK
Hanna grabs her giantest purse to crash a sorority party, the Medusa makes an appearance, A takes to wearing all of her shit at once, Caleb and Toby team up for God knows what reason, somebody -- with the last name Marin obviously -- drives a car into a house, Emily is freaked out by A showing up in her living room, and we might get to see Mikey Montgomery, who's gotta be like 30 by now.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, True Blood, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.