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Spencer spends 48 of her 72-hour hold coming to the conclusion that she is actually crazy, has been crazy for a long time, and will continue to be crazy for at least a little while longer. But watching her come to this conclusion over the hour is like watching somebody fall out of a tree and hit every single branch on the way down. Just awful stuff; tearjerking, mesmerizing, legitimately terrifying stuff.
On the upside, she makes a friend in the real E. Lamb, E for Nurse Eddie, the nicest man in Rosewood and my new favorite character. He confirms her suspicions about the Radley ID badges and visitor passes being quirky, assures her again and again that she's most likely salvageable, and in the end passes on one of the hour's craziest new clues: Before Toby's mother died, she was herself a Rosewood inpatient.
I said one of: The by-far weirdest clue trail this week involves the fact that she's living in Mona's exact room, which has been vandalized toward a flashback of Spencer and Alison going to church, after which service Ali explained that she would be dead before too long, and was leaving a collection of memoirs for Spencer to take over as the leader, and presumably solve her murder. Not since it slipped everybody's mind that Alison snapped that girl's actual neck at a frat party has a flashback been quite so tough to swallow -- You're just now remembering this, Spence? -- but in the end, it provides lovely entrée into further mystery.
Dr. Sullivan -- what do you think about her, do we still think she's for real? -- gets news to Melissa and the girls that Spencer's been committed, and dumb Aria immediately tells Mona, so Mona drops by for a weird little visit in which she offers first cookies, then a tablet containing some but not all of these Sudden Alison Diaries, then a stern dressing-down for Spencer's refusal to join the A-Team last year, and finally the news that Alison's pregnancy was a false alarm after all.
News that would come in handy for Hanna, considering Wilden is up and around, and threatening her once again unless she produces his automobile. Ashley is up for a big promotion that would land the Marin girls in NYC, which means a very sad conversation with dreamy Pastor Ted and some more of Hanna shouldering everybody's burdens. The only other solo adventure this week is Shana introducing Emily to a famous swimmer chick -- the adorable Missy Franklin, who could not be more charming -- for reasons of manipulation.
Oh, awesomely, the Liars have a big meeting about how Spencer cracked, which surprises Aria because she always just assumed Emily was the weak link, which we know because she full-on just fucking says that like it's no big deal. Hanna, on the other hand, has always known Spencer would crack first: Like I'm always saying, the smarter you are the crazier you get to be, and Spencer's no exception.
But that's the only majorly Aria thing Aria does this week: The rest is pretty golden, as she gets Byron to help Ezra look for a job, which leads to some secret meetings between Byron and Ella, which leads to a kinda crushing meeting between Aria and the principle of Rosewood High, where she assures him their relationship is nonexistent. So these weeks of having Aria talk about things other than Ezra are probably over, for now, but it sure was nice getting to know her in the meantime.
By episode's end, Spencer's hallucinating the other Liars in group therapy, coming to the same resolution they've spent the episode arriving at on their own: Spencer cannot be trusted, relied or counted upon for the time being. At least, until she pulls herself together. I know I say this every week, but the girl just keeps raising her game. It's beautiful, and awful, and perfect for this show and character.
Week: Two episodes left until Red Coat is revealed and everything changes. Looks like the penultimate outing involves a carnival of some kind, an A-Lair mobile unit, ghostly figures, and maybe even confirmation of Toby's death? I'll believe it when I'm told to believe it, and not a moment sooner. And in the meantime, maybe we'll get to see a little more of Eddie Lamb, who -- conditional upon him not being revealed as a Sullivan-esque pawn in A's game -- I wish was the mayor or something, just so Rosewood could know what a normal person looks like.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Officer Darren Wilden of the RWPD was the victim of a vicious hit-and-run accident, perps unknown. Is he dead? Haunting Ashley Marin? Did he get Alison pregnant and then kill her? And where is his car? All questions that deserve answers. Less so: Aria's open-ended wonderment about whether or not her relationship with Ezra is doomed (yes) or will be strengthened (no) by his brand-new seven-year-old son (hell no). Spencer revealed that Toby was A, used the name "E. Lamb" to get in and out of Rosewood, and then discovered his dead body in the woods. Not that she checked to make sure it was him, no: Jut wandered off into the forest weeping until morning, when the cops picked her up as a Jane Doe.
QUAD
Mona watches the Liars scurry in her compact mirror, like Paul Abdul in the "Rush, Rush" video. She doesn't seem to know where Spencer is yet, which is almost a shame because it would really make her day if she did.
Emily: "Look, I have called her eleven hundred times. It's safe to say that she has lost her mind. Crawled off into a hole somewhere like a wounded animal, is my bet."
Aria: "Don't be silly, she's Spencer. If anybody would do that it's you, Weakest Link."
Hanna: "Everybody ditches school, you guys. Don't be so alarmist."
Liars: "Yeah, I guess so. I guess when one of us four girls who are being slowly tortured to death goes missing, it's no big deal."
VP Hackett: "Is one of you four girls missing? That's a big deal."
Melissa: "Any of you bitches seen my sister? Or my eyebrows?"
Liars: "We wouldn't tell you if we did."
VP Hackett: "But you trust me, right? I'd look ridiculous in a Black Swan costume."
Liars: "We can honestly say we have no knowledge of her whereabouts."
Melissa: "Then I guess it's time to call the police. The first time anyone in this town has ever done that correctly or for realistic reasons. I wonder if we even have 911."
RADLEY
Eddie: "I'm a nurse, ex-military, very friendly and quite a cool guy. And you are...?"
Jane Doe: "Amnesiac. Hey, what's a 302? That's what they're calling me."
Eddie: "It means you got locked up in here rather than being taken to jail."
Jane Doe: "For what? Oh my God, did I find a shovel?"
No, just your enemy. And your lover.
Eddie: "No, you were wandering around the woods without proper footwear, having clearly lost your mind. Here in Rosewood that's a capital offense. Just be glad you got diverted here because County was full."
Jane Doe: "This is luxury?"
Eddie: "Yeah, you stupid teenager. This private mental facility is a good deal better than County. Stop whining."
Jane Doe: "Point taken. What happens ?"
Eddie: "Doctor visit to evaluate your mind. I wouldn't stress, though, since you have close relationships with the only two mental health professionals in a 100-mile radius."
AFTER SCHOOL
Liars: "That bitch Melissa for calling the police."
Hanna: "Like we need more cops in our life to replace the ones we're constantly murdering or getting murdered."
Liars: "We don't know what to do or how anything works!"
Emily: "I guess I'm the Spencer still. Pull it together and listen up. The cops are not going to find her if she doesn't wanna be found, or frankly even if she does. We're going to stop crying, rub some dirt on it, and set up a perimeter. Aria, you check bookstores and the Hollis theater lab, all the places you're already going. I'll check the robot killer houses in case she's been abducted, and ask Paige if she's done anything crazy to her. Hanna, you're the wildcard. Just follow your instincts. And you can be the one who keeps bothering Melissa about it."
RADLEY
Jane Doe sets out solitaire like tarot; discovers the Joker card in her deck. I guess this is just symbolic of her being crazy, or else she's thinking about Hanna. Maybe the Joker is Toby. I don't really know why this scene is here, except to show that Jane Doe is not kidding around about being crazy because if she were Spencer right now she would be sniffing the baseboards and removing parts of the ceiling to check for clues and climbing into the vents and decoding the messages clearly scratched into the desk by the tenant of this room. Or creating a computer simulation of these things.
The Joker rides a bike, a skeleton. Death, the wildcard, shows up when you least expect it. She thought Mona was the enemy, that Ian and Melissa and Jason and not-Jason and CeCe Drake and Darren Wilden and Cousin Nate were the enemy, but they weren't, not really. Any more than Jenna was blind, they weren't the enemy. The A-Team runs at the pleasure of the Red Coat, the Queen of Hearts. But she has a lover, and he breaks all hearts. He rides a bicycle; he can't be avoided or denied.
MARIN
Hanna: "Are you seriously looking in the paper to see if Wilden's turned up dead yet? You're not listening. On this show, it's way more likely he took a vacation or something. Just because you ran over somebody and they haven't shown back up doesn't mean they are dead. It just means they don't matter this week."
Ashley: "His absence is, in itself, a presence. Also, I keep seeing him around town. If he's just on personal leave, that would be a super weird way to spend it. Haunting me in absurd ways just to freak me out."
Hanna: "Are you kidding? That's how anybody on this show would spend it. Anyway, I just accepted a date for you with Pastor Ted. Skulking around after you've killed somebody is like, first thing you can't do."
Ashley: "I guess you're right. I like that we can talk like this. Have a carrot stick."
Hanna: "If you put some salt on it, tastes just like a salty carrot."
FITZ
Fitz: "The worst thing about tutoring elementary school students is, they're not even hot."
Aria: "I know I've gotten you fired from two different teaching positions, just by existing, but that doesn't mean I can't find your current situation pathetic. You've got a child to support."
Fitz: "Darling, I've always had that."
RADLEY
Therapy Anne: "Hey, Spencer?"
Spencer: "Yeah, that's me. Don't tell anybody."
CHURCH
Pastor Ted: "Hanna, I'm glad you came on this date! I wanted to buy you coffee for connecting me with that thieving werewolf, Caleb's Uncle Dad."
Wilden: "...Can I come too?"
Ashley: "Does everybody else see him or is it just me?"
Wilden: "I'm just here to be super creepy and then go away again."
(He goes away again.)
Ashley: "In some ways, that is a relief that he's alive. In other ways... I guess it's a grass is greener situation. You always want the cop to be dead when he's alive, and vice versa."
RADLEY
Therapy Anne: "When they called me to evaluate a teenage Jane Doe, I admit I assumed it would be one of you. Not gonna lie. But my money was on Emily, she's been on a real tear lately. Why is it you?"
Spencer: "When I found my dead boyfriend's body near a smoking campfire, I lost my purse. Presumably Mona ended up with it. But then they didn't know who I was, and didn't have the technology to figure out who I was, so I just kinda went with it. Being Spencer Hastings has always been a hassle, but I had no idea how relaxing not being her would be."
Therapy Anne: "So you're not actually dissociating, or an amnesiac?"
Spencer: "No, girl. I'm just tired."
What happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable objects? The fastest girl on earth, she runs so fast walls don't even mean anything to her. The fastest girl on earth can outthink you and outwit you, drum up a story or burn down the evidence, in the time it takes you to blink. It would have to be a very big wall. A very strong one.
Therapy Anne: "What happened in the woods to make you avoid Spencering?"
Spencer: "Well, Toby's dead. Remember that boy who magically transported you from California to Rosewood in the time it took us to put on some costumes and chase Melissa around for no reason?"
Therapy Anne: "He was a proficient driver, I'll give him that."
Spencer: "Yeah, well. His ass is dead. At least, the ass with his tattoo on it is dead."
The others eventually knew that Mona was a dark reflection of Spencer, in some ways; that what made her hard and bright made her also brittle, and sharp. Mona was the devil's daughter, a rival that Spencer couldn't stand because Mona knew more. She commanded more information. If they were sisters, Spencer would know what to do; figure out what Mona loved best, and take it. But they aren't sisters, and Mona doesn't love anything Spencer doesn't already have. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work. Mona found out what Spencer loved best, and took it. Not once, but over and over again. Every kiss and every touch belonged to Mona, when he disappeared, including the first: Whatever they made, it wasn't love.
Therapy Anne: "Hold up, you didn't even check under his motorcycle helmet before flipping out? And you didn't tell anybody that a boy was dead? He's like the only non-werewolf contractor in town!"
Spencer: "In the bigger picture, it hardly matters. I flipped out. I am still flipping out."
Therapy Anne: "Calling your sister is probably a good idea. She's always such a source of comfort and support in the unending nightmare that is your life."
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Hey Dad, remember that guy I was seeing? Mom got him fired, and then you got him fired?"
Byron: "And then he turned up with a baby. I recall."
Aria: "You know about the baby? I guess I should be mad at Ella for telling you that, for reasons only I know. Anyway, can you give him a job of some kind? Way I figure it, you owe me for the time your sidepiece poisoned me over a period of days and then clobbered me and locked me in the basement."
Byron: "Your logic is sound. But sadly mine is not, so I will passive-aggressively offer to not help in any way."
RADLEY
Melissa: "Did you know we have parents? They're not coming. It's just me."
Spencer: "That is literally the only way this could suck more. I mean, nice to see you. Listen, you might as well leave though. I'm on a 72-hour hold, and you drive me crazy."
Melissa: "You've always been nuts, and I've always done what I can to exacerbate that, but I mean, wandering around the woods until sunrise? That is serious shit."
She wasn't wandering. She was changing. She wasn't lost, she was remembering. She wasn't on fire, she was dropping armor. Replacing things that didn't work, or taking them out entirely. A burning heart, wrapped in brambles; a tiny little acorn, the buttons on a sleeve.
Spencer: "Um, your entire graduating class did nothing after commencement except stick around town taking nudies of me and my friends, and they've all been tortured to death at this point, so maybe you're not the one to be judging me."
Melissa: "All I did was dress up in a costume, wander around a child party, fake a pregnancy to full term and then split town. I'm not that crazy. Please, please just let me make this all about me."
Spencer: "Fine, it's all about you. Stop bringing your grownup boyfriends around to molest me, and my enemies into my home to drink milk and chop vegetables, and we'll call it even."
THE BREW
Emily: "I'm still running point, for reasons that are obvious, so here's the download. Anne told Melissa, who told me, that Spencer is in Radley."
Liars: "I don't wanna say it, but I mean. About time, frankly."
Emily: "She was wandering around the woods, presumably looking for Toby. The important thing is, we can't go see her."
Aria: "That sucks that Melissa gets to visit her. I bet they're fighting right now."
Liars: "And who knows what Spencer's telling her. Or really everybody. That crazy bitch could be a real liability if they get her talking."
A sends Hanna a random text of a photograph that seems like it's Wilden and Ashley getting out of a car, but I have no real idea of what we're looking at and it never comes up again.
RADLEY
Eddie: "More pain cream? Just kidding, these are antibiotics with no tranqs or anything in them. It would interfere with your tests and thus be the perfect way to frame you for being crazy."
Spencer: "Hand 'em over. Wait, is your last name Lamb?"
Eddie: "Yeah, I guess my ancestors were shepherds. Or, less comfortingly, the ancestors of whoever originally had the last name Lamb before my family got it. I'm African-American, so it's weird of me to pretend my name says anything about my ancestors."
Spencer: "What I meant and didn't say was, that's the fake name of my dead boyfriend, which means he used your pass to get in and out of this place while Mona was in here. But we can talk about that later, after we've grown closer and you've gotten used to my habit of bluntly demanding the most incriminating information without prelude."
MARIN
Ashley: "Of all our sexless Pastor Ted dates, that was the most satisfying. Now, what's this about Spencer?"
Hanna: "They found her in the woods and they're evaluating her mind problems."
Ashley: "That could take a while. I'm gonna cancel my trip to New York to apply for a promotion."
Hanna: "Uh, again, no. If we ended up moving to New York, that would be the best possible thing that could happen to both of us. Don't be short-sighted."
Ashley: "I am looking for reasons to undercut my career for my relationship, Hanna. Don't start talking sense to me now."
Hanna: "You think that running away from your problems won't make them go away. But if there's one thing I've learned from my time as a Liar, it's that we have no idea whether that would work because we have never once tried that."
THERAPY ANNE
Emily: "Dr. Sullivan! I just crept up to you to ask why Spencer's in Radley."
Sullivan: "You girls always do that, it's awful. My nerves! Anyway, she says Toby's body was in the woods."
Emily: "That sounds far-fetched. Toby and I were really close. I'm sure if somebody found his body in the woods it would be me, his best friend of all time."
Anne: "Well, going by how crazy she is acting, I wouldn't count her theory out."
MONTGOMERY MEETING
Ella: "And here I thought the toughest thing about raising Aria would be how pretentious she is."
Byron: "And I mean, that's pretty tough. But being asked to remedy the malicious firings we caused? That's beyond the pale."
Ella: "As the most reasonable person on this entire show, I'm wondering if we really have a leg to stand on here. I always thought he was a great teacher -- and a great person, beyond that whole pedophilia thing."
Byron: "You're overlooking the best reason to help a fellow human out, after we've done him great harm. Think what this could do to sabotage our daughter's love life!"
Ella: "I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying we shouldn't talk about it out loud."
RADLEY
Spencer: "One thing I will not do is entertain the possibility that Toby is still alive, merely because his face was awkwardly covered and I even more awkwardly didn't check to see if it was him before going around the bend."
Anne, awesomely: "Spencer, I think you took ... a lot into that forest with you."
Spencer starts freaking out about how she needs the Liars -- which is at least as valid as what Anne just said -- and Anne tells her she can call Emily if Spencer has something to tell her. But after the eval's over, there are still a couple ways this could go. One of them involves a lot more relaxation and personal time to get her shit together, and the other one involves returning to 24-hour surveillance by an omniscient, destructive evil spirit.
THE BREW
Shana: "Emily! I just invited you to your job, where you work, for a little coffee... And to meet Olympic Swimming Superstar Miss Franklin!"
Missy Franklin: "I am freaking adorable, by the way."
Shana: "Anyway, I don't have any kind of agenda here. I mean, the last thing you did was get me almost fired from my already depressing job at the Halloween Store, why would I possibly want to mess with you? Beyond the desire to ruin your relationship with the love of my life, I mean."
Emily: "You know what, I'm too happy to chat with Missy Franklin and too polite to show anything but gratitude. I'll deal with the consequences of your freaky ass later."
They talk about swimming for a long time, and Missy Franklin is freaking charming, and at no point does Shana stop acting shady, and at no point does Emily notice.
RADLEY
Out of all of them, Spencer knew no amount of fighting or brilliance would bring the dead girl back. She was able to understand this, in her body, because she was the only one who didn't really want the dead girl back. But that knowledge, that no fighting can alter some courses, came in handy this time. She found the little bit of herself that still believed, and after confirming he was gone, she snapped it off at the stem. This is a gift from Alison; this is one of the better gifts from Alison.
Spencer: "Did you ever lose one of those badges with your name on it?"
Eddie: "That would be a big deal. They open every door in this building, through science."
Spencer: "Really, tell me more about how a person would do that. Not for the reasons you would think! Just out of curiosity."
Eddie: "Listen, it's only three days. I realize you're going nuts in here -- no offense -- but if you try to escape, I'll get fired. Just give me a break, please. Most people would kill for a little free therapy."
She took a lot with her, into those woods. The day she found him in her kitchen was the day she started to go sour, inside. Something was off. The world was not the way she thought; it bent around her, like the trees were alive and angry, like the floor tilted up at strange angles. Being cheated on hurts not because we're jealous, but because we feel like fools. She was a virgin when she met him.
Spencer: "I'm starting to think maybe I am crazy."
Eddie: "That's a very teenager thing to think. Listen, you're not. And to show you that you're trustworthy, I will admit to you that hinky things have been going on with the badges, just like you're talking about. I gotta go. Tapioca or vanilla tonight?"
Spencer: "Surprise me."
Eddie: "Blood pudding it is! J/K, that was a pudding joke."
MARIN
Hanna: "I can't wait until we spring her. As the only other person who's been inside that place, it is a bummer and a half."
Aria: "Ever stop to think maybe a little forced-introspection time might be good? Besides that loser Emily, she's clearly the craziest one."
Hanna: "I only worry about Spencer during school hours. It's after school, so now I'm scheduled to be terrified that Darren Wilden is coming after me and my mom."
Aria: "If he's going to come for you, he will."
Hanna: "I thought Emily was the Spencer this week."
Aria: "No, this is me, Aria, just being awful. I mean, I'm just saying, moving to New York won't save you. Nothing can save you."
Hanna: "Aria, Jesus. Moving to New York is appealing in about a hundred different selfish ways, in addition to getting away from Wilden. It's not always about the ghost that daily threatens to shame and murder us."
Aria: "I guess what I'm saying is, I am jealous of you moving to New York. Now, do you think they'll be able to find Wilden's car where we put it in that swamp?"
Hanna: "My understanding is that all satellite-based technology doesn't work underwater."
Aria: "And you got this information from..."
Hanna: "My own hazy recollection of science, obviously."
THE BREW
Missy Franklin: "It has been so fun randomly talking to a random teenager, but I really have to get going. Let's take a million pictures together as though I'll remember your name tomorrow."
Shana: "I want copies of those pictures! And also to destroy you in a way I have yet to indicate."
Emily: "Thanks for bringing me an Olympic Swimmer as a present, despite my constantly trying to accidentally ruin your life in every way I can come up with. I'm sure you have no other agenda."
RADLEY
Eddie: "So you're saying somebody stole my ID, and came in and out of the place? Just like I told you happened in the last scene?"
Spencer: "Yeah, that's why I was so interested in it. Toby was coming in and out to help a patient named Mona Vanderwaal."
Eddie: "Moondoggie? That girl was a hot mess. Anyway, they also stole visitor passes, if that helps. From somebody on staff. But that, I can't tell you. (Probably because he's adorable with a British accent and it would just be too weird to get yelled at by him, or because Therapy Anne still needs to seem trustworthy for a bit longer.)"
Spencer: "I really feel like I'm meant to find one clue in this episode, because that is how this show works, and since I can't leave this room, if you could just say the first thing that pops into your head?"
Eddie: "Sure. This was Moondoggie's room, when she lived here."
Spencer: "That should do it. Thanks."
She immediately finds the clue in question, stabbed into the desk where she's been sitting for all but one scene so far and yet just noticed:
"WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN?"
...Was the name of the hymn they were all singing in church this one time that Alison noticed Mona singing really intensely, like Jesus Camp-intense with the hands in the air, and made fun of her for it. Afterward, Spencer took a moment to feel sorry for Mona in her Nerd Phase, and then talk shifted to little things like Ali's impending death and the fact that she's been keeping diaries ever since the A stuff started up.
On a scale of Snow Globes With Secret Keys to Neck-Snapping Sorority Murder, then, this particular conversation really stands out. Not to mention the fact of how we got here: Why would Mona, the Gamesmaster of the Universe, have scratched these particular words into the desk, words that Spencer has somehow been overlooking this entire time, only to produce a memory of the exact same diaries Mona's going to talk about later that we've never heard of before? Even for this show, that is some inscrutable dot-connecting.
Spencer: "Since when do you keep a diary?"
Alison: "Since forever... But you're gonna have to wait to read them until after I'm dead!"
Spencer: "Gruesome much?"
Alison: "Not being gruesome, I'm being mysterious. And don't act like you're not interested. The fact is, I'm writing them for you. They're beyond scandalous! And you're gonna need them if you're gonna carry on after I'm gone."
I mean, it's not every day that your best friend informs you ahead of time that she's writing you a blueprint for her impending murder investigation. (Unless you're on this show.) And I can see forgetting that particular day, honestly, until it's brought up by something random: Ali was always saying shit like that, and I'm starting to think all of it was important in just this way, which means they're always going to be having these random memory downloads because you would need Mona-levels of recall to remember the important stuff, since the important stuff is all of it.
BYRON & FITZGERALD
Ezra: "More tea?"
Byron: "Who said that? It's so dark in this apartment, it's terrifying! Did your power get turned off? Is that why you need a job?"
Ezra: "First of all, I didn't send her to you for ask for help."
Byron: "I know that. We are not the kind of men to be proactive."
Ezra: "And I didn't tell her not to inform you about my baby. That was a weird thing she did on her own."
Byron: "I realize you're angry at her -- angry enough to break up with her, maybe -- but that doesn't mean you should blame me for it, either."
Ezra: "Uh, no. I'm not actually mad at her, why would I be? You're weird. Now, give me a job."
Byron: "I can't. Sorry!"
Ezra: "Did you ever notice that we're both kind of dirtbags?"
Byron: "That's rude."
Ezra: "I'm just saying, you've got some nerve bringing up my bad judgment."
Byron: "I guess that's true."
RADLEY
Eddie: "Wait, and you can play the piano, too? We haven't had anybody this talented in here since..."
Spencer: "-- Don't even say it. You know my sister, she was here yesterday? We used to play four-handed pieces. Then I started sleeping with all of her boyfriends, and now we hate each other."
Eddie: "What did you do to her eyebrows?"
Spencer: "Yeah, that was new. Not sure what's going on there."
Eddie: "So, just to show the progression in our relationship, you mentioned a Toby earlier? I knew a boy named that once. His mother was a patient here."
Spencer: "Cavanaugh, right?"
Eddie: "I know, everything is so weird all the time."
RWHS WC
Hanna: "We could say we're her cousins! I mean, we all look so much alike."
Emily: "I'm more interested in figuring out why she thinks Toby's dead."
Aria: "None of this will matter if they never let her out of the booby hatch. Which PS, they're not gonna do, because her ass is actually crazy. I mean, even I have noticed that."
Emily: "Yeah, A's been puttin' the screws to her pretty hardcore this season."
Aria: "I always figured it would be you, Emily. Because you're such a creampuff and you have such a weak mind."
Emily: "The fuck?"
Hanna: "Not me, I always knew it would be her. You're always gonna be the one that builds the maze, so you're always up against somebody exactly as smart as you when you try to get out again. Better brains, better mazes."
Mona: "Hey, bitches. I just came in to put on lipgloss for about ten minutes. Where's Spencer?"
Aria: "We know you know, asshole. She's in Radley because of you. And if that's not enough information, let me tell you exactly everything that is going on with this show and where we're all at."
Mona: "No chance of you ending up in Radley, huh?"
Aria: "Whattayou... Oh, right. Gotcha. Please disregard all of the personal information and damaging facts I just laid on you for no reason."
PA: "Aria Montgomery, please report to the principal's office."
Aria: "For being so stupid?"
PA: "No. I mean yeah, but not like that. Listen, just come on. It's a whole thing."
HACKETT OUT
Hackett: "Listen, you know Ezra Fitz?"
Aria: "Do I! Oh, uh, I mean, do I?"
Hackett: "Listen, everybody knows you... Um, back up. He's applied for Meredith's substitute-teaching position, proving how desperately he wants to avoid his family's fortune, and I've heard through the grapevine that maybe you're dating."
Aria: "Don't be ridiculous. I mean, I go places with him and bring him coffee every morning and we do horrible activities like draw faces on garbage bags, and we have tons of sex all the time, but..."
Hackett: "Look, just tell me you're not dating him and can the extra, okay?"
Aria: "When you adults act like our relationship isn't legitimate, it makes me feel oppressed. Almost like my bad decisions and bullshit relationship are bad, bullshitty things."
Hackett: "That's not the question. The question is, if you're so sure we're wrong, why do you need our approval in the first place?"
SAD PASTOR TED
Ashley: "They do this thing twice a year, and I really should go for this promotion, so I am canceling our date..."
Ted: "That's not so bad..."
Ashley: "And also our entire relationship. If I get the job, Hanna and I are moving to New York."
Ted: "That's tougher to work with, but thanks for being kind of honest with me about it."
Ashley: "Well, option three is more likely than you think, being that my daughter is murdered and I go to jail for attacking a cop, mugging an old lady, and abducting a fake architect."
Ted: "Listen, if there's anything else going on that is motivating you to break up with me, I could probably help you with some of these distractions. Just tell me why you're terrified enough to leave me, who is awesome, and we'll work from there."
Ashley: "...Ah, now I get why Hanna never tells anybody anything. Damn, this sucks."
RADLEY
Mona: "What's up, girl? Heard you were feeling a little crazy! Want a cookie?"
Spencer: "Oh, Christ. Like I need this. How come you can come and go as you please, but my friends are subject to the 72-hour hold?"
Mona: "I'm here visiting my favorite nurse! Her name is Sybil, of course."
Spencer: "And you brought her cookies. How kind."
Mona: "It's important to reward kindness. For starters."
Spencer: "Why are you here and why are you talking to me and why did you even bother to kill Toby?"
Mona: "Maybe I killed him, who can say. But I'll tell you this, I am still pissed at you for turning me down back when I tried to recruit you. Remember how I kept telling you over and over that there's an A-Team and we want you to work with us, and you were being so stubborn you still don't remember me saying that?"
Spencer: "Because I'm so stubborn, that's why this is happening to me? Fuck off. Look, I know you want something from me. And the answer is an automatic no."
At some point during this bit, Spencer retires to the piano, which is an upright, and leans her head against the upright part like she's taking a sitting-up nap. In some ways it is her most touching move, because it's the weirdest her blocking has ever gotten: Just worn out and terrified and too exhausted to deal with Mona but too fucked up to walk away. With old Moondoggie just chattering in her ear.
Mona: "Oh, is it? Try, Ali was never pregnant. She thought she was, and she panicked, but it was a false alarm. And how I know that is, I have her diaries, right here on this iPad. Most of them, anyway, and I know where the rest are. And let me tell you, I know shit you couldn't even conceive to wonder about."
Mona: "You have all these bits and pieces. You're trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, but you've never seen the picture on the front of the box. You need me."
Spencer: "Bitch, I will start choking you again. I have no reason not to. Frankly, I'm surprised I didn't end up here based on that one."
Mona: "They do think you're crazy. But you're not crazy, are you. Honey, you're as sane as I am."
Spencer: "The thing that is shitty about that is not even that it's the meanest thing anybody ever said to me, but the fact that you only said it for that reason. Like, I know you don't think your ass is crazy, and frankly I'm sure you don't think I am either, so if you derive it out then by the distributive property all we're left with is you saying the most hurtful thing you can think of."
MARIN/FIELDS
Ashley: "I have cops to run over in New York, but I'll call soon."
Emily: "Mrs. Marin, my mother loves having random people live in her house almost as much as you do. As long as Hanna doesn't start smoking pot or having revolutionary opinions, I see no reason you won't come home to find Hanna's been enrolled in a bootcamp."
Ashley: "Just don't talk to Wilden while I'm gone."
Immediately after she drives off, Wilden arrives. It's like at the end of Pretty In Pink with him standing against the car like "What's up."
Emily: "Hanna did your mother not just say..."
Hanna: "Sometimes you poke the bear, and other times the bear pokes you."
Emily: "Is that even like a saying, or what?"
Hanna: "Good job not being dead, motherfucker."
Wilden: "Yeah, I'm really proud of myself. Funny how you, me and your mother always have some weird thing going on."
Hanna: "I don't want to talk about it. Just leave my mom alone. Honesty's overrated."
Wilden: "Fine, where's the car?"
Hanna: "What car would that be?"
Wilden: "Blast!"
GROUP THERAPY
We're presented with a circle of people -- it is, of course, the middle of the night -- with Therapy Anne moderating. Some of them are in fluffy robes, some of them are wearing flowy yoga pants like Spencer. They're all very interested in Spencer's monologue about how she's crazy, but not crazy, but maybe she's crazy. The power of the scene is pretty amazing -- especially as part of an episode largely structured around leading up to it -- but I'm not sure how to get that across.
"I knew who I was when they found me, and I knew that my family and friends would be worried, but I just... I wanted to fold up and stop. I didn't want to think anymore. I wasn't Spencer Hastings for almost a whole day... Nobody else showed up to take the job, so I guess I'm stuck with it."
Anne: "Because you're the only person in the world that can be you?"
Spencer: "This can't be very entertaining. I mean, there are people here with real problems."
Anne: "Your problems are real, first of all. And also, you have real problems."
Spencer: "Starting to figure that out. Listen, I had a Buffy-at-the-bookcase moment and I didn't think it was that important at the time, but with all this talk of Xing me out..."
"I fell down in the woods. When I was running. I fell down, and I looked at the ground. I saw my hand, and my sleeve, and the little button on my sleeve, and some dirt, and an old acorn, and I said to myself: Okay. If this is the last thing that you ever see, I can handle that. I'm done. I've had enough."
Waiting for death to come, in that forest. With the smell of it all around, and Mona laughing in the brush, she thought, okay. Okay, just one more guy Alison kissed before we even got to meet him.
"But it wasn't the last thing that I saw. I just ... kept going."
Seeing the body of her lover in the woods and knowing that he never loved her, the girl finally understood that death was real. That all the spinning wheels and building walls and kicking the pricks wouldn't stop some things from being true. That just like a rock bottom, there are some facts that you can't be cleverer than, and the biggest one is death. That death struts everywhere he goes, because he knows he'll win no matter how smart or pretty or kind you are.
And death said, "You're not going anywhere," and the girl said, "I don't have anywhere to go."
"But I won't take you home," he said. "Not yet. I am not kind enough for that."
And the girl said, "But I cannot stay here, and I cannot be this person anymore. She is too small to hurt this much; it is bigger than she is, and smarter."
And he blushed.
"I can't take you from this place, because I don't love you enough yet. But I can give you something else."
"How do you keep going, when the worst thing has happened? What do you have to change inside, to survive? Who do you have to become?"
"Where do you go when you can't get out?" she asked death, and he nodded. The first question we ask, always.
"You turn into something else."
Spencer stares at the girls in her circle; for one moment, they're the Liars themselves. She took a lot with her, into the forest. She brings a lot with her, into the Circle. She builds the maze and twists in the center, changing shape faster than she can track. When she gets back out again, what shape will she be?
"I'm sorry. But that's true, you don't know who I am anymore. And you can't count on me."
Maybe they won't love her anymore. Maybe they won't be a home to come back to, either. Maybe the girl stays here forever, in the maze. No matter how many shapes she takes. However they come together in the end, that hasn't happened quite yet. Whatever shape she is in now, it is just for her. Just eyes to look for clues and ears to hear the truth. Not a girl, not really a beast, just everything she managed to get out of the forest with her. To smuggle away, under his eyes, and bring it home. They don't amount to much yet, what she has; what she has, for now, is the whole world.
All she has is bits and pieces.
A-TAG
A's very excited about the carnival week! So excited that she takes a second from driving around in Lair 4.0 -- which is a big truck, maybe a food truck or maybe a moving truck but most likely a truck containing a simulacrum of the entire Lairs, meaning a truck of some prodigious size -- to just check out the Website Page of the carnival one more time before getting back behind the wheel.
WEEK
Carnival! Perhaps A will reveal that she is one of the Travelers, based on the weird way the Lair Truck is decorated, which is kind of like Mardi Gras for serial killers, or like a shrine to Alison's dead face. Spencer remains in lockup, because even when she's trying to seem not-crazy that girl just comes off super crazy. The Liars yell at everybody, because it's the -to-last episode of the season and Lord knows everybody deserves to get yelled at by now.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, Zero Hour, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook, as well as an upcoming regular column for Tor.com.