Oh my goodness! What a fantastic time to be into this show lately, am I right? The hits just keep coming. Spencer's losing her mind over the Toby reveAl, Paige and Caleb are cooking up some secret countermeasures to protect the Liars, Aria's just about run down the clock on Ezra's secret child, and without Spencer around to keep 'em in line, everything's falling apart.
Very haggard and spent, but still beautiful in a frightening way, Spencer spends the day mouthin' off to Ella and skippin' school, and eventually is so primed to explode that it takes a single fake Aria text to send her right up into Ezra's face about the baby secret. Of course, he doesn't know about that yet, so this was actually a cunning way for A to aim the weapon that is Spencer Hastings at another vulnerable Liar, but in the end it works out pretty well: Aria's off the hook, Ezra understands, Maggie is a loser. (Oh, and we learn Meredith's now on lockdown since apparently Aria's not the first person she's poisoned and chased around the house with a knife. LOL.)
I mean, Ezra dumps her and leaves town in the end, but it's not like he's really been around that much anyway. I'm sure Aria will be devastated, which should be hilarious. And I'm guessing it means Wesley's back in the mix. For her part, Spencer ends the episode hiring a private detective -- if not an assassin -- to get to the bottom of the A-Lair and Toby's business. She is going dark as hell, and it is a beautiful thing to watch.
Cousin Nate sends Emily a box of Maya's old junk, as a sort of apology for how their son forced her to stab him to death, but of course it contains a clue which changes everything: Alison feared for her life because she got pregnant at the Jersey Shore, and presumably was killed to keep the secret. It's only seconds after she hands the notebook in question over to Detective Wilden that they realize who her fertile lover was: None other than Wilden himself. Making Alison and Ashley Eskimo Sisters, of a sort. No shame in that game.
Did I mention Toby wearing a do-rag? That was very important. It seems that Alison, because she had so much free time, once visited him in juvie, and that's how we learn that Toby used to dress like he was on The Wire. It's incredible.
Hanna overhears Paige discussing the B-Team with Caleb (and copping to the locker-brain prank in the process) so in order to protect everybody from their schemes drawing more hellfire down on them, she follows Paige to a lesbian bar. It's an outstandingly hilarious sequence of events involving thrown drinks and mistaken identities, but in the end she only comes away soaking wet and quite sure Emily's getting cheated on. It also produces this conversation:
Hanna: "I just accepted it from some random girl who thought I'd like pink drinks, I wasn't going to get drunk..."
Ashley: "What is a pinkdrink? Is it code? For something gay?"
Yeah. No, but kind of. This show is so amazing.
Week: Therapy Anne! Hypnotizing Emily! False memories of murdering Alison! Wesley Fitzgerald! Mona decides to start some more shit! Spencer continues to be insane in all directions and look like she has an alien being, or Jenna Marshall, inhabiting her body! Her very soul!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Ezra has a secret baby he doesn't know about and Paige and Caleb are forming a secret B-Team to protect their girlfriends. Emily stabbed a dude to death, Aria was locked up and nearly murdered by a substitute teacher, Hanna was attacked by mannequins, and still none of them had half as shitty a day as Spencer Hastings, who finally figured out her boyfriend Toby is on the A-Team.
NOW
A sex dream of Toby goes to a very dark place, and Spencer wakes up feeling super crazed and sex-strangled. Possibly crazed enough to stop taking naps in the early evening, and take her A-Lair key out into Rosewood and see what it opens. The scariest thing about the concept of Spencer losing her shit is that we have no idea what that would look like, because there is no control group, because compared to any other person she'd start out looking like she lost her shit.
HASTINGS
I guess she hasn't told anybody else about Toby, though, because Aria and Emily are both more interested in figuring out how to get Spencer to talk to her sister Melissa about the night Byron bitched at and possibly killed Alison: Like pretty much everybody on this show, she was standing around in the DiLaurentis yard at the same time Alison was getting murdered.
Pam: "Hey, I'm on this show sometimes. I live in this house and work at the police station suddenly. Oh, and I got this random box from an unknown address. Do you think it could be something horrible?"
Emily: "Probably not. I so rarely get horrible anonymous packages... Who's it from?"
Pam: "The family of the dude you stabbed to death, actually. I don't know why I didn't lead with that. Maybe I should have thought this through."
Emily: "Nah, let's just open it right up."
Creepily enough, the box is full of random crap Emily sent Alison, back when they were crushy best friends: Birthday cards, letters of encouragement, heartfelt lesbian poems, that kind of thing. Emily figures probably Maya found them in Ali's room -- perhaps while prancing around in a blonde wig? -- and meant to give them to Emily, but then just forgot.
Emily: "She was very busy, between being sent to Christian camp and then being trapped for weeks in a robot house and hanging around on porches ruining parties and then also getting murdered. It's gross to think that Nate held onto this stuff, or even touched it with his fake cousin fingers. What I don't get is why his parents would do me this favor."
Pam: "Maybe it's like, 'Sorry our son stalked your girlfriend and then tied up your new girlfriend and made you stab him in the abdomen that time.' You know? Like, 'It's the least we could do.'"
Emily: "Cool, I was already having PTSD about this anyways. Listen, I have to check my windows and locks 54 more times before I'm allowed to go to sleep."
Pam: "Well, we're watching a 7th Heaven marathon downstairs if you want to come down."
Emily: "No, I'm just going to stare at this one Biology notebook that is clearly a clue."
Pam: "Maybe it's like, 'Sorry our son stalked your girlfriend and then tied up your new girlfriend and made you stab him in the abdomen that time.' You know? Like, 'It's the least we could do.'"
Emily: "Cool, I was already having PTSD about this anyways. Listen, I have to check my windows and locks 54 more times before I'm allowed to go to sleep."
Pam: "Well, we're watching a 7th Heaven marathon downstairs if you want to come down."
Emily: "No, I'm just going to stare at this one Biology notebook that is clearly a clue."
MARIN
Hanna's wrist is still killing her from that time Toby chased around a fake boutique full of mannequins, so she pops some frozen peas on there. Getting older is such bullshit. Why, I remember a time when Hanna could get run the hell over with a car, fly ten yards through the air, break both legs, and still have her ass up outta that wheelchair by the time the lasagna party rolled around.
Ashley Marin! As I live and breathe. By God, it's good to see you. After all the shit that's happened lately, it's nice to see the moms back in play.
Ashley: "Don't let me interrupt you, I know how your wrist keeps you from doing anything besides constantly IMing Caleb to tell him you don't want to hang out. I'm only here for wine."
Literally. She pours herself a glass of wine first thing. Attagirl.
Hanna: "I don't want to talk about my wrist."
Ashley: "Do you want to talk about Mona? Because if you're feeling weird about school or you're getting stalked..."
Hanna: "I really don't want anybody else protecting me, don't worry about it."
Ashley: "Wait, are you saying Caleb's been tangling with Mona?"
Hanna: "He doesn't trust her, if that's what you mean. Just back off, okay? I'm doing this for you."
MONTGOMERY
Byron: "My daughter and I both agree that Meredith is in desperate need of mental healthcare. Thanks for calling, Meredith's father who is the same age as me."
Aria: "Tell him I said she can go fuck herself, okay?"
Byron: "It's important to show compassion here, Aria. She's only ruined our family like four times. She only bonked you on the head and locked you in the basement like one time."
Aria: "I don't care about any of this. Why don't you tell me a weird story instead?"
Byron: "Can do. When you were a baby, I wouldn't let your mother use the fireplace because I was sure your dumb ass would fall in there the second I turned my back. And I guess in a way, I was right."
MAIN ST
Aria: "How was your anniversary dinner? It looks like you either had a very good time, or like you have been hollowed out and possessed by your own freaky ghost."
Spencer: "It was a night of surprises, I will say that."
Hanna: "My own boyfriend trouble is that Caleb is acting weird."
Aria: "Shut it down. That's a dealbreaker, ladies."
Hanna: "Says the girl who is keeping her boyfriend's child a secret from him."
Aria: "Hanna, I'm the worst. That's not news."
Spencer: "[Lies lies lies lies] so, in summation, I do not have time for morning coffee in the coffee shop where my boyfriend lives, and will hook up with you guys later."
She bounces, clearly laboring under an impressive amount of burdens even for Spencer, and Emily appears.
Aria: "One thing we are definitely not doing is taking that Lair key to the cops. Remind me to tell Spencer that. My vote is, burn it. I have a feeling she'll agree."
Hanna: "Can we see that stuff from the boy you stabbed to death? I bet it's weird!"
Aria: "Unless it's like, gay stuff. That's your prerogative to share with us as you see fit and I don't want you to feel pressured. For example, my boyfriend has written a fair amount of verse about me, which..."
Hanna: "Emily, what's with this Biology notebook that is clearly a clue? It's got these entire passages in there where you and Ali were writing back and forth to each other -- which is noteworthy because you guys didn't have Bio together."
Aria: "That's not Emily's handwriting, though. She was using your notebook for notes with somebody else. Somebody who writes their 'g' letter like..."
Hanna: "My grandma."
So apparently Betty Buckley and Alison had Biology together? (I mean, that has to be CeCe Drake though, right? They were always telling secrets and going on Beach trips.) And one of the things they fought about was whether or not they should tell "the Beach Hottie" about something because Ali thought he would freak out. And also some stuff about Toby? This is a very interesting notebook!
COURTYARD
Aria: "Dear Ezra. I may or may not actually tell you something insane later. Love, Aria."
Hanna: "Just go over there, man."
Hanna overhears Paige yelling at somebody on the phone. The somebody who put the brain in Mona's locker! And who was that person? It was Caleb. Well then I agree, he is acting weird.
BATHROOM
Emily: "Oh hey Spencer, I had a feeling I'd find you in here weeping and looking ratchet as hell. Not gonna ask about it, though."
Spencer: "Great. Now what's this about a Bio notebook?"
Emily: "It's very exciting. A person we don't know talking to Ali about a person we don't know, who was a Beach Hottie. Was Ian ever a lifeguard?"
Spencer: "I don't know. Ask Melissa. I gotta go be desperate somewhere."
Emily: "But Spencer, how are we supposed to crack this banal conversation? It could be the key to a mystery!"
Spencer: "The mystery of what boys Alison was sleeping with? I have the solution to that one, and it is most boys."
Emily: "She was scared to tell this person something!"
Spencer: "[Says almost verbatim what I just said about Ali being a slut.]"
Spencer's point is that fuck Alison, she has only ever brought them misery and no amount of getting themselves blown up and abducted and tortured is going to bring her back, much less make her a better person than she was. In the final analysis, she was a wretched girl who came to a wretched end, and looking for more to that story has only continued to wreck things. Hastings out.
Emily: "-- Not so fast. How about this little nugget here, where she visited Toby in juvie? Is that relevant enough? Because we didn't know that at all."
FLASHBACK
Ha! Oh boy. So what was going on with Toby in those days was that he was sporting a do-rag. Sweat pants, shirt unbuttoned -- even in the past, bread was still buttered on the same side -- and one of those industrial-strength nylon do-rags that has a tail coming out the back, like he's on The Wire. Of all the amazing things this show is constantly unveiling, I must say that "Toby in a do-rag" is near the top of the list.
Alison: "Are you the one sending me this notes from the person called 'A'? Because I know it wasn't your sister, she was in surgery for some of them."
Toby: "Oh yeah? How'd that turn out?"
Alison: "She's still brushing her hair with an electric toothbrush."
Toby: "Ableism."
Alison: "What I don't get is, why are you focusing on me? All five of us blew up your sister. All five of us put you in here."
Toby: "The things I would like to happen to you, they do not involve receiving scary notes from your own ghost. They are much more intense than that."
Alison: "You wish you could hit this. If only you'd kissed me when you had the chance."
BATHROOM
Emily: "Spencer, why are you crying? I bet Toby didn't even hook up with her."
Spencer: "I'm crying because Toby and I broke up last night, for reasons I'm not interested in telling you right now."
Emily: "Well, I'm sure it's pretty normal stuff. Hug?"
1984 DISCUSSION GROUP
Spencer makes that same intense crazy face she made that time in the interrogation room, the scariest face of anybody ever on this show, while her classmates discuss the chick from 1984 and how easy it was for her to turn on the main guy: "She became part of this group that was against him ... she started to believe her own lie..." They're so into it they don't even notice Spence blankly staring into space like a pissed-off psycho.
Aria: "Dear Spencer. Ezra flipped out on me about the secret baby situation and I guess we broke up. Aren't you glad you didn't have to sit through that scene? I bet the viewers are. Anyway, I could really use some support, since it's the middle of a school day and you're not clearly having a meltdown. Love, Aria. PS, this is not a setup by A."
Spencer grabs her shit and heads out to bust some heads, and Ella stops her at the door.
Ella: "Spencer, what's up? You're just stomping out of class? Is everything okay?"
Spencer: "I don't fucking feel like being in English right now, lady. Everything else is fine."
Ella: "I'm not gonna lie, I always knew you'd be the first one to lose it, but this is..."
Spencer: "Look, you know how kids always say they're never going to need Calculus in the real world? That's how I feel about a novel of paranoia and betrayal and constant surveillance. Because guess what, bitch. That's how I roll anyway."
Ella: "Oh, honey. Don't I know it."
THE PARK
Spencer rides her bike over to Ezra's picnic table, where he's writing on a laptop, and goes instant ham on him. Like she hops off the bike while it's still going and lands in a lunge on the table, spitting into his face, while the bicycle sails off into a nearby shrub, back wheel still spinning.
Spencer: "WRITING BRILLIANT THOUGHTS ON YOUR LAPTOP, HUH? YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER."
Ezra: "Oh hey, Spencer. I'm unemployed and a pedo, which is why I'm at this park, but shouldn't you be in English class?"
Spencer: "HOW DARE YOU BETRAY THE GIRL THAT LOVES YOU AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, YOU SHAM?"
Ezra: "...Hold up, what's going on?"
Spencer: "DON'T YOU DARE! DO YOU EVEN GET HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP A SECRET LIKE THAT? YOU'RE SCREWED IF YOU TELL, YOU'RE SCREWED IF YOU DON'T, FUCKING EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE..."
Ezra: "Spencer, this isn't the first time you've jumped up my ass out of nowhere, but I gotta say I need a little context."
Spencer: "IF YOU'RE GONNA BE MAD AT ANYBODY, BE MAD AT MAGGIE FOR KEEPING HER TEEN PREGNANCY A SECRET AFTER YOUR MOM PAID HER OFF! DON'T BE MAD AT ARIA FOR LYING TO YOU ABOUT IT, YOU DICK!"
Ezra: "What? I have a kid? And Aria knows about it? This is news to me, I was just sitting in the park."
Spencer: "...OH SHIT I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW."
And then she just bounces! Amazing! Ezra just sits there looking beautiful and gobsmacked, and... Wow. This show continues to go awesomely at such a rate.
RWPD
What? Man, everybody is in this episode! Pam chats with her new coworker cops about how her daughter is wrestling with having stabbed a boy to death, and when she mentions the box of mysterious girl things, who's that in the background, perfect ears perking up? Why it's none other than Detective Wilden, whom we haven't seen since the Neverending Yard Sale, I think. Should have guessed he'd show up once Pam went back to work, considering Garrett's dead.
Wilden: "Let's have the family send everything straight to the station, so I can go through it and smell it. Or whatever. For safety."
Pam: "I'll think about it. Everybody here is so nice!"
Cops: "Better than walking around arresting people for shovels."
LUNCHROOM
Unaware of the shitshow Spencer has just brought down on all of them, and still not really twigging to the fact that Spencer has lost her goddamn mind, Emily peruses that Bio notebook until she finds a photo from a trip to Cape May, NJ: Alison DiLaurentis, a lobster in a pot, and one CeCe Drake. CECE DRAKE!
A super-cute cobalt-blue corset-dress that she has then Aria'd right up with some knee-high boots in some random beige and a giant old-lady neckpiece like He-Man might wear. That's the answer to the question you were about to ask. Hanna's dressed like Ducky, but like in a cute way: graphic t under a sport jacket in the monochrome she's gone back to sporting of late, and the beachcomber hair she's been rocking. When they first started selling beach hair as an option I thought it was super stupid, but I totally get it when it's Hanna. Emily looks really great, but also like a stepmom who teaches modern dance, in a slinky grey cardigan with shoulder cutouts.
Hanna: "So have you seen Spencer? She may be imploding."
Aria: "Mom said she bailed on study group, in a really violent strange way, but I thought nothing of it."
Emily: "Hey guys, remember Ce... Oh shit, why is Ezra standing in the courtyard looking like he just found out about his secret baby?"
Aria: "Hey, buddy! How's it going?"
Ezra: "Don't you buddy me. What the hell is Spencer talking about? I have a kid?"
Aria: "Let's take this out of the teen lunchroom, okay?"
Ezra: "I will throw a fit wherever I feel like it. You and my hot brother Wes just watched me blowing out my birthday candles and you didn't think to tell me that..."
Aria: "-- What do I say? I thought you'd throw a big massive tantrum and I didn't feel like dealing with it? What, are you surprised that I acted like a teenager?"
Ezra: "Our love is real, Aria. Don't play the pedophile card."
He runs off and Aria, she feels bad. I mean, I get where she's coming from, but the way time works on this show it wouldn't seem like such a huge betrayal if they didn't have one of the Liars open every single episode with, "Still lying to Ezra about that very important thing?" All it did was further underline the fact that she was being an ass. And she's a fast-talker, and I believe everything she says, so you get why she's been stressing and paralyzed about it, but still. Honestly, she was never going to pull the trigger, so you might as well aim the destructive tornado of Hurricane Spencer where it's going to do the most good. You know what I mean?
A: "Dear Aria. This is what you get for being a pussy. Love, A."
Very Alison. Ali would be proud. I know I am.
RWPD
Wilden: "Pam, how's Emily doing lately?"
Pam: "I really wouldn't know. I don't like being around you. For one thing, you hounded my daughter to the ends of the earth. Also, you seem to have been working out, or at least found a more body-conscious tailor."
Wilden: "Rosewood used to be a real chill place, man. None of these half-buried boots and constant shovels and your daughter's clique acting crazy all the time."
Pam: "Are you telling me to move? Because I literally just moved back here."
Wilden: "Probably wouldn't help. But I can tell you this. Stabbing a person to death is something I have done, and it feels weird."
Pam: "She won't talk to me about it."
Wilden: "Are you getting that I have killed a person? I'm not sure I made that clear."
Pam: "No, I'm picking up on your subtle hints. Is this the first time you've talked about it?"
Wilden: "Yes, actually. Does that freak you out? Because probably your daughter is crazy now. Anyway, I have to go."
HASTINGS
Oh, Spencer. They kept saying about how Troian was about to bring it, and I knew they were right, but I didn't realize what it would be like to watch. It's fascinating and impressive and beautiful, but also very sad and pretty scary. Like she gets a TV dinner out of the microwave and grabs these scissors and keeps catching herself in reflective surfaces and realizing that she is completely losing it, and it's like... Whoo.
Aria: "Hey, Spence. Haven't seen you in a while."
Spencer: "I shut my phone off because I have completely lost my shit. Hey, while we're on the subject..."
Aria: "My mom's pretty worried about you. She mentioned calling your parents."
Spencer: "Hey, if she can find 'em."
Aria: "Listen, we need to talk."
Spencer: "I don't want to fuckin' talk. I'm sorry I yelled at Fitz, but I am not in the mood for one more goddamn lecture right now."
Aria: "Whoa, girl. Slow it. I don't blame you for that, I'm just concerned. You were set up, I know that..."
Spencer: "Stop blaming A for your problems, asshole. Maybe we should all just take responsibility for our shit, maybe that's what A is really about..."
Aria: "You're sticking up for A right now? She's not a life coach, she's a ghost ninja who tortures us and poisons our pain cream and runs us over and tried to kill Caleb's mom."
Spencer: "All I know is, we are some pretty little liars. Maybe we deserve what we get."
Aria: "...So I'm gonna go. And thanks, by the way, for your concern. The Ezra thing is going just great."
Spencer: "Bitch did you seriously just notice that I'm off the reservation?"
Yep. More dead-eyed staring of Spencer, more Aria worrying about Aria problems. And while it was a gimme that Spencer would be the one to actually crack, it is very interesting that she's the one laying claim to the whole "A works with what you give her" mentality. I remember she really responded poorly when Toby suggested that, but at this point most of the Liars have considered it or at least the part where Alison's shenanigans weren't entirely without positive effect. The show's about lying, it's got it right in the name, and while it's weird that Spencer got there by this self-hating route, it doesn't make it less true: Secrets and lies are never worth what they take to maintain.
CECE DRAKE!
CeCe: "I totally remember this Cape May trip! It was so fun. But I have no idea who 'Beach Hottie' is, like, that Beach was full of Hotties. She was cagey about him, so I figured he was cheating."
Emily: "So would Jason know this guy?"
CeCe: "If Jason knew some Beach Hottie was hitting on his sister, he would have taken care of it."
CRABSHACK FLASHBACK
CeCe: "It is so fun hanging out and getting drunk at this crab shack with townies! Let's call Jason DiLaurentis, I've heard he smokes marijuana."
Townies: "We too have heard that."
She spotted Ali, looking pretty broken, and ran outside to see what was up.
Alison: "Beach Hottie has gotten me pregnant. I am losing my mind!"
CeCe: "Update me on your menses. Have you ever been this late before?"
Alison: "Two weeks? Never! I haven't even been menstruating for all that long, so I'm very clear about what has and has not happened. Also, I fucked him without a condom, so."
CeCe: "First thing we're gonna do is tell him, and see what he does. Then we might blackmail him."
Alison: "No way. If I tell him, he will murder me! Probably in my own yard, on Labor Day!"
SO WAIT
Emily: "So wait, Ali was pregnant? I feel like this possibility has come up before, this season, but I can't remember in what context."
CeCe: "You know how I'm always saying it was an intense couple weeks? This is the kind of shit we were up to."
Ten bucks says it's Wilden. He's older and dissolute, like CeCe and Ali like; he's hot as hell; he just admitted he's bendy about killing in self-defense, and he's always been way too invested in the Liars and Ali's disappearance.
LESBIAN BAR
Aria, at home: "You're go for Aria. Apparently I just don't leave the house anymore. Maybe I still have the flu. Maybe I'm still high."
Hanna: "I forgot to tell you this earlier because of Ezra flipping out on you, but I found out that Caleb and Paige are working together to bring Mona down."
Aria: "Like that just slipped your mind? Those fools'll get murdered!"
Hanna: "I know, that's why I'm on this solo mission to stop them. I figured I'd start at a lesbian bar. Maybe there will be a bar fight, that would be amazing. Lesbians just flying every which way."
Aria: "If I hadn't had such a fucked-up day I probably would give a little more thought to what you're doing, but on the other hand who am I kidding? Have fun."
HASTINGS
Spencer has moved to the foot of the stairs, one of her favorite places for acting weird in the darkness.
Spencer: "Dear A, can we hang out?"
Toby: "Dear Spencer, why would that be weird?"
Spencer: "Dear A, you realize this is maybe the craziest thing I have ever done? Me, Spencer Hastings? I mean, this is beyond the pale. Nobody can find out I'm talking to A."
Toby: "Dear Spencer, I promise not to tell anybody. Or murder you! LOL."
LESBIAN BAR
Hanna totally spots Paige totally hitting on this hot girl. Maybe there will be a fight! Somebody buys her a pink lady-drink, a somebody who then attempts to summon Hanna to the yard using only her milkshake. While the terrible lesbian music goes on and on about oral sex and/or lying -- "slip of the tongue" in this case being something of a punnilingus -- Hanna gives it some thought, then remembers she is on a mission and heads off, sucking down her flirtini as she goes. Keep drinkin' that drink from a random stranger, Hanna! I've got a good feeling about all this.
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "Dear Ezra, my bad."
Ezra: "Dear Aria, SMH."
Byron: "You seem sluggish and morose. You want a grilled cheese sandwich?"
Aria: "You've always been a bachelor, haven't you? Inside, I mean."
Emily: "Aria, I need to talk to you. It's about Alison DiLaurentis's menstrual cycle."
PORCH
Aria: "...Wait, she got knocked up too? That bitch was so busy all the time!"
Emily: "The reason it's not in her autopsy is that she got pregnant in Jersey. Or something similarly unnecessary to explain."
Aria: "Do you think we should tell the police about the man who threatened to murder our friend who got murdered?"
Emily: "I guess so. I'll meet you at the police station. Where we can hand this evidence incriminating Wilden directly to Wilden, and probably get killed by him too."
Aria: "Why don't we just go together?"
Emily: "Because there's fifteen minutes left in the episode so obviously something horrible has to happen to either or both of us."
Aria: "That's probably what this mysterious text message I'm getting is about. Hope we both survive to meet up at the police station in a minute."
LESBIAN BAR
Paige's date says something I didn't really understand but involves kissing, and Hanna gives some wild side-eye, but before she can follow them to wherever they're going she gets blocked by Kelis, and they're like, "This awful awful song makes me wanna dance!" so then Hanna dances with her for a while because welcome to Hanna Marin, why not, and then... Can it be? Yes! Kelis's girlfriend shows up and starts yelling in Hanna's face! I actually punched the air and said "YES!" Lesbian bar fight is a go! She throws a drink in Hanna's face and then before you know it, homegirl's gettin' carded.
RWPD
Emily: "I'm gonna be pretty vague, but I do think this Biology notebook might have information about Ali's murder."
Pam: "Let me just quickly hand this over to Detective Wilden, and then probably we'll never discuss it again."
A-DATE
Spencer, who has not stopped crying, puts on some mascara and tries to pull herself together for her date with Toby while a very sad song plays. Oh, Spencer. Eventually she just breaks down and then gets it together and then loses it again and it's just so sad. Of all the times to lose your pull-it-together power. Finally she falls back on rage -- close enough -- and heads out.
RWPD
Hanna: "Drunk teen comin' through!"
Emily: "Why do you smell like tequila?"
Hanna: "Gin, actually. I wasn't drinking, it was just a solo mission I effed up as usual."
Emily: "Why were you at a bar?"
Hanna: "It wasn't a lesbian one, I can tell you that much."
Wilden: "Ladies, thanks for this Biology notebook! I'll make sure to hide it or burn it."
Hanna: "Fuck are we dealing with this tool for?"
Emily: "I forgot he was a cop. Oh hey, look at this picture of Wilden, just being 'hot' on a 'Beach' in 'Cape May.' Do you think that's a clue?"
Boom! Just won ten bucks from myself, bitches!
Hanna: "Without Spencer we are hopeless at even basic shit. We just fall apart into being separate useless Arias, fucking everything up for everybody. We need that girl back in fighting form,stat."
Emily: "I wasn't going to say it, but I was thinking it."
AND WHAT OF SPENCER?
Looking like the sexier, angrier version of a drowned person, Spencer heads into a diner to meet with... Not Toby at all! Some kind of Christopher Walken old dude who is clearly on the dirty side of the law. Oh, girl! What are you doing?
Dude: "Said you're eighteen, right?"
Spencer: "Sure, whatever. How does this work?"
He reaches for creamer and she jumps back. Girl, what are you doing? She hands over the key to the Lair, with a picture of Toby -- from which she rips herself, smartly -- and he kind of grins at how intense she's being, then heads out. When he's gone, she rips the picture into a million pieces, and I guess is just relieved he didn't ask for cash up front.
MARIN
Ashley: "Honey, we need to talk about some stuff."
Hanna: "I smell like gin, the worst of all liquor smells besides champagne. Just give a girl a sec."
Ashley: "Who am I to judge you for drinking? I'm more interested in the lesbian part."
Hanna: "I didn't go there for lesbians, I went there for Caleb. Who is not a lesbian, appearances aside."
Ashley: "Gross! Is he one of those 'this is what a feminist looks like' guys with a bunch of lesbian friends? Hanna, those guys are the worst, I won't have you spending time with a guy like that. At least not until you take a Women's Studies class in college and realize how ubiquitous they are."
Hanna: "I'll be honest, it would not surprise me. But this isn't about that, it's about what we were talking about while you were getting wasted this morning. Paige and Caleb have a secret team to get Mona, which as I told you freaks me out, so I followed Paige, and..."
Ashley: "Got it. Lesbian bar. When are you going to quit with these solo missions? And how did that end with you drinking and starting barfights?"
Hanna: "I merely accepted a friendly gift from a girl who thought I liked pink drinks, and then danced with her so Paige wouldn't see me."
Ashley, ver-goddamn-batim: "What's a 'pinkdrink'? Is that code for something gay?"
Hanna: "No, it's code for a drink which is pink. I don't have time to explain femmes to you! I really need a shower, Mom!"
Ashley: "I feel like you're hiding something..."
Hanna: "No, I'm really not doing anything weird or hiding anything. I didn't mean to get arrested or anything, I just want to protect Emily..."
Ashley: "So there is something going on!"
Hanna: "No, I just think Paige is cheating on her."
Ashley: "A word of advice? Stay out of it. Clearly whatever your idea of helping is, it involves all manner of nonsense I don't have time for. And you're gonna want to hot-oil that mess. Beach-hair + pink gin = a combination I know all too well."
FITZWALLACE FITZWILLIAMS
Aria: "Why are you packing up your car? I was sure that this would all blow over."
Ezra: "You're fine. Maggie told me she jerked you around and we both agreed you're too young and stupid to be held accountable for your own actions."
Aria: "Then do you want to watch a movie or something?"
Ezra: "No, I'm leaving Rosewood for a while. I get to meet my son and do other grownup stuff I haven't heretofore been able to do, because I've been busy living a life of suspicion and teen girl squad problems."
Aria: "So you're just... Can I call you?"
Ezra starts crying! This episode is BONKERS.
Ezra: "We'll talk one of these days. Maybe when you B-26."
Aria, all alone. Having ruined her own situation, once again. So sad.
A-TAG
Red Jacket, in the A Lair, checks out a dollhouse with lots of dolls in it, flicks a bobblehead of Hanna, and then pulls out a blowtorch. Once you've gone to the trouble of having bobbleheads made of the Liars, why would you then destroy it? A+, you are mysterious indeed.
WEEK
The parade of beloved returnees continues, as Wesley Fitzgerald replaces his brother and Therapy Anne comes back to hypnotize Emily into thinking she murdered Alison. Because Emily's mind is just that elastic at this point. I'm sure she can handle it. Meanwhile, Spencer continues her free-fall into the abyss and comes at Mona hard, the better to work off more of her misplaced Toby rage.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.