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John Van Druten, no less.
Hanna spends more time than ever wondering if Mona's really as serious about not being crazy as she's acting, but once Lucas tells her his A-Team secrets -- and then Mona deposes Spencer as the new Captain of Academic Decathlon, having sabotaged the reigning leader's bicycle last week -- Hanna unloads on the girl, possibly reactivating her craziness but almost certainly sealing Lucas's death warrant.
Lucas's involvement in this whole mad parade, we learn, started back during Masquerade Ball, when he was part of the Black Swan thing. Which it turns out was apparently just Mona making him and Melissa swarm Jenna so that she could kidnap Spencer without anybody noticing? I think. Anyway, he was not on the A-Team before then. And then when she was in Radley, he was pressed once more into service delivering messages to Mona from Jason DiLaurentis. (One of those clues that nobody seems to actually hear, as often happens on this show.) Anyway, he wanted out, and once Mona (he doesn't know about Toby) tried to run him over, he stopped selling test answers so she wouldn't have anything on him, and now he fears for his very life and wants to quit school.
So you can see why Hanna would lose it after hearing this, although mostly it's about her righteous anger at having worked so hard on being fair and compassionate with Mona, regardless of all the shit she's pulled, only to look like a total dingus. On the other hand, reactivating Mona's insanity by doing the exact same thing she explicitly explained drove her crazy in the first place is probably something that will end up having consequences, no matter how great it feels.
Aria gets Ella (Ella!) to spare some details on the night of Ali's murder: Apparently Byron got her so drunk she passed out, which is why no adults were available, but also opens up the possibility of him sneaking out to see and/or murder Meredith and/or Alison. Later, Meredith admits that he did come see her that night -- but not for a hookup. He thought she was involved in Ali's extortion attempts, and Meredith claims he left her place for his last meeting with Ali. In the current time frame, his freaky behavior causes Meredith to seemingly switch sides, and by episode's end she has committed to taking care of Aria while he's out of town so they can solve his part in the murder together.
Emily and Paige attempt to go to a swim team party, bravely fighting their battles against curfew and PTSD agoraphobia respectively. Eventually Paige has a total breakdown, revealing that she has gone a whole new kind of crazy in the wake of Masquerade Ball/Cousin Nate/Halloween Train, and is no longer able to leave her house. Emily, of course, couldn't love it more since she loves how crazy Paige is -- and then even gets to chase A-Toby around the woods for awhile, to get some of her aggression out. All in all, a nice couple days for Emily.
With Spencer questioning everything, from her own intelligence to the suspects in her million inquisitions, this victory from Mona just lays her low. Hanna's rising to the occasion in a Spencer way, but Spencer just wants everybody to calm down and stop letting Mona bait them all the time. It is a shocking reversal, to everyone involved. We'll see how long it lasts, though, because from where I'm standing Spencer is staring down the barrel of a total meltdown, as Mona -- and Toby -- knock out her entire mental Jenga tower, piece by piece.
Week: Meredith has Aria prisoner, thanks to her flu, and the other Liars are caught between tracking down the usual Cluelapalooza and actually taking Aria seriously for once. Paige and Mona, presumably, continue their downward mental spirals. Emily and Hanna get madder and madder and madder, hopefully. And even more hopefully, a reason is found to keep Lucas at Rosewood High. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
PREVIOUSLY
Toby's new hobby is running over Lucas, who may have pissed off Mona, who is in cahoots with Janitor Harold, who is going Henry Darger on Alison's diary, which indicted Byron, which pisses off Aria, which circumstantially seems linked to the blowing-up of her dad's girlfriend Meredith, who is a bitch and probably deserved a little blowing up. Now Emily's trapped in her robotic house, Spencer's got no idea her beloved half-brother Jason is all tied in with the A-Team (and Ezra), Hanna's still trying to figure out her complicated relationship with Mona, and Aria is ... watching movies, content in the knowledge that the A-Team will probably go back to ignoring her now, and more focused on her thousands of separate-yet-connected daddy issues.
NIGHT MUST FALL
Aria's watching the ever-so-PLL Night Must Fall, with Rosalind Russell, when Byron enters. The story's about a super-charming psycho who worms his way in with the ladies of the house by daylight -- which is every episode of this show, of course -- and this is the version adapted by the playwright John Van Druten, which is an amazing coincidence, as he's all I've been thinking about since October. Proving once again that no matter how much I protest, Aria Fucking Montgomery and I remain, basically, the same god damned person.
Byron: "You know how I accused you of blowing up my girlfriend? Well, the cops figured out who did it. So, I'm sorry."
A Normal Person: "That is a relief. Who did it? I can't wait to tell my friends, since we were framed for it and probably know who it was. If it was Mona, that's something I need to know. ASAP. Preferably before I wake up with her standing over me with a knife in her hand and lipstick all over her face."
Aria, Instead: "Fuck you. I'm watching a movie."
Byron: "Oh, I've seen this movie! That dude keeps a head in a hatbox."
Aria: "Spoiler alert, dicknail."
Byron: "Look, I'm trying here. You know that's basically like seeing a unicorn, right?"
Aria: "Just let me sit here in the gauzy living room with my hair looking amazing, 'kay? If I don't have emotional extortion on my side, I got nothing."
Byron: "Welp. Parenting. Gave it a shot."
SCHOOL AT NIGHT
Everybody else? Also looks amazing. Hanna's rocking a black quilted SWAT number that makes her look like the Resistance from something on Syfy, while Emily and Spencer are wearing stealth jackets with the collars up, doing wondrous things to their bouncy spycraft hair.
Hanna: "Wait, why did we just break into this school in the middle of the night? I mean, it's more beautifully lit right now than it usually is in the daytime, but..."
Spencer: "-- Because breaking into it during a charity marathon nearly got us nicked."
Hanna: "Right, but like why?"
Spencer: "Because if Garrett was right about Byron, I'm going to have to completely rewrite the insane scapegoating narrative in my head that is our only directive."
Emily: "Exactly. We need to know who to hate beyond all logic or reason, now that the NAT Club is either dead, or Spencer's brother, or transferred to that magnet high school for the formerly blind."
Oh my God, so scary. Just before somebody in a black cloak-looking hoodie arises from the fucking shadows like one of Draco's aunts, Spencer goes, "Somebody's in here." Yikes! It's worse that way! The person runs off and they're like, "Once again, we did not get that person's vital information." Then, they note that Harold's stuff is entirely cleaned out, and only Ali's diary is left. What does it contain?
Well first of all we need to talk about Ali's Diary. It's not like a normal diary, with a certain number of pages that physics can calculate. It's more like, speaking of Harry Potter, something out of Harry Potter. So not only did Ali, pre-mortem, fill that thing up with her hilarious stories about Li'l Bunny Byron & The Sumpin' Sumpin', but then there was also room for Harold's hundred-page crazy letter to Mona in there. And now? All of that shit is gone, but there are still the same amount of pages in the now-blank book, in which A has written a mean note to scare them. Tear that out, even just for the kindergarten "A" handwriting I don't recognize, the number of pages will not go down, it will remain constant.
Basically what I'm saying is that Alison's Diary is Hanukkah.
REAR WINDOW CAFÉ
Aria: "That's really interesting how A jumped at you out of the basement shadows, but hang on while I tell you about these amazing dreams I've been having. They are all about me."
Hanna: "Do your teeth fall out at the end?"
Aria: "How did you know that?"
Hanna: "In mine, I have gum in my hair and I just keep pulling and pulling until I'm bald."
Liars: "Possibly our lifestyle of almost being murdered every day has put pressure on us, psychologically."
Mona: "Me too! I have scary dreams too!"
Emily, dead-eyed: "What exactly do you want?"
Mona: "That janitor guy is stalking me."
Spencer, amazingly nasty: "Why on Earth would he do that?"
Mona: "You know how I had that complex lair on his property? Apparently chatting about your stalking and taxidermy means we're best friends. Don't you hate that? When people think being best friends allows them the right to stalk and kill you?"
Even Hanna: "This bitch right here. Unbelievable."
Mona: "Seems he bribed the old janitor to take over the job. So I told him that even in Rosewood that's inappropriate, and my parents got him fired. Then I guess he tried to blow me up, and got Meredith instead."
Liars: "Wait, so you're saying it was him that blew up that shed?"
Mona: "Who else could it be? Anyway, later!"
Hanna: "Let's not jump to conclusions, you guys. Mona's really trying."
Liars: "And failing."
Hanna: "Yeah. Sigh."
SCHOOL
Hanna, resplendent in red: "Lucas, can we talk?"
Lucas: "No! Not in front of Mona! And definitely not about how I tried to blow her up!"
Hanna: "...Whoa. What?"
Lucas: "Yeah, I tried to blow up Mona. For a good cause, though. Anyway, bye!"
Hanna: "Wait, if you need help just let me help you. I know you're scared of Mona..."
Lucas: "No, I think I'm just going to blow her up some more. I'd stay clear, okay?"
Hanna: "Okay. But I'm not in love with this plan, I don't mind telling you."
LAST PERIOD
Emily: "Paige! Two questions, first of all what is going on with your hair? You look like Kellie Martin in that show about horses. And second of all, do you want to hang out?"
Paige: "I have to go straight home."
Emily: "Pish. You can walk me to work."
Paige: "Do you not remember that I got punched in the boob by a man in a dress on the Halloween Train? Immediately after being bound and gagged by your dead girlfriend's stalker?"
Emily: "Yeah, shit is tough all around. But you will soon become jaded."
Paige: "Emily, look. I got trauma. And I know you think I'm being a drama queen about it, but consider instead the possibility that you are in constant shock, and that I am actually right to be concerned about our upcoming deaths."
Emily: "I stopped looking back when I popped that motherfucker in the gut, Paige. Killing people changes you, it changes what's important. But you're right, our safety is of the utmost concern. So let's go to a swim team party in the woods."
ELLA-ELLA-ELLA! HEY! HEY! HEY!
Part of this amazing 1984 quote is on the board, so I guess we've moved on to a new novel this semester:
Sometimes they threaten you with something -- something you can't stand up to, can't even think about. And then you say, "Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to So-and-so."
And here's the rest. The tough part.
...And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn't mean it. But that isn't true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself, and you're quite ready to save yourself that way. You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.
Ella: "Two questions. First of all, what is with your skirt? Mini in the front, party in the back. You look like J. Lo. Secondly, do you have those 'print' 'newspapers'?"
Aria: "Yes. Newspapers 'exist.' Here are some."
Ella: "I am still freaked out by the Halloween Train Massacre. Not because Garrett Reynolds is dead -- fuck that guy for no reason -- but because it needlessly distracted people from Maya's death, which was already needlessly distracting people from Alison's death."
Aria: "Speaking of Alison's death..."
Ella: "Man, why did I just bring that up? I don't want you asking questions about that."
Aria: "...You and Dad were at a Hollis faculty barbecue that night?"
Ella: "Yeah, sorry we were so hung over the day. When your friend was found dead."
Ella: "I stole a bottle of wine from the party and we opened it back at home. It was a warm night..."
Aria: "I remember. Warm, until the storm blew in."
Ella: "And we conked out. Missed your call. I still feel like shit."
Meredith sees Aria and Ella talking, and decides that it's her business even though it is none of her business. Go work on your turnout, bitch.
ACA DECA
Some hot nerd explains last week's A-Tag: The guy who took the header was the person who was keeping Spencer from becoming the head of the Academic Decathlon team. (Meaning yes, it was Toby? I'm fascinated wondering how much of Toby's A-ctivity seems to be about just doing shady shit on Spencer's behalf that has nothing to do with Mona or the Red Queen or Alison or anything.) It's good that she has this activity, for her transcripts if nothing else. You should be involved in at least one thing if you want to show some range, and otherwise Spencer Hastings would just look like a slacker.
Hot Nerd: "Also, Mona Vanderwaal is joining the team."
Spencer: An amazing face.
Hot Nerd: "Oh right, she tried to kill you a million times."
Spencer: Even more amazing face.
Hot Nerd: "That must be pretty weird for you, huh?"
Spencer: A face so amazing the table starts jumping around like we're at a séance.
Hot Nerd: "I mean, she's a hyperadrenalized, omniscient ninja supergenius who holds the keys to manipulating our mundane reality on the atomic level. That could really help, competitively speaking."
Spencer: Her face shoves his chair back across the lunchroom and into a window just by being such an intense face.
Mona: "Here's all my paperwork, you guys!"
Spencer: "Fucking hell."
Hot Nerd: "Now, time to elect our team captain. Running unopposed... Oh wait, no. Spencer and Mona, you guys are up for the vote. Even though Mona joined the team literally right before I am saying this."
Spencer: "What in the serious fuck, Mona?"
Mona: "Look, I played dumb for a really long time. That's boring now, I want to be myself. I kept up with my schoolwork while I was ... away..."
Gay Side-Eye Kid: Most amazing and gif-able face of all.
Everybody on the team is amazing, what a great group of kids. Hot Nerd calls the vote, and -- "I had some time to campaign," Mona giggles -- it comes up a tie. Time for a quiz-off, according to the bylaws (according to Mona).
Hot Nerd, you can actually see the moment he decides to keep his head down and stay out of this fight between the two craziest bitches who have ever lived in Rosewood. So. Quiz-Off. This episode was already so great, and now this.
Hot Nerd: "Spencer, just... Nobody asked her to join, okay? Let me take off my glasses to become even more dreamy and sincere. Just do your Hastings thing, and spank her in this Quiz-Off like I know you can."
Spencer: "Hot Nerd, you're so great. Thanks! I do believe in myself."
A: "Quit while you're ahead, bitch."
J: "And dump that Toby! Hot Nerd is on and poppin'!"
Mona's just at the machines getting a healthy snack, so she didn't send either of those. (Hint: I did. I sent one of them.) Spencer is befuddled. But as ever, I'm sure the purifying flame of her righteous insane hatred will see her through any confusing grey areas.
LATER
Spencer: "I'm so sure getting killed is going to stop me from being team captain."
Hanna: "Or maybe we should just stay away from her and see if anything befalls her."
Emily: "Like what? What are you talking about?"
Spencer: "No. I fight and vanquish evil in all forms. Including through Quiz-Offs."
Emily: "This thing with the bike wheel. If Mona did it, specifically so she could run against Spencer, that would be a very Alison DiLaurentis thing to do."
Spencer: "Good point, actually."
Mona: "Hey guys! Speak of the devil, huh? Anyways, thanks for being so cool about me ruining one more thing for ya, Spence. I would have called or texted, but..."
Spencer: "No. I got your text."
Mona: "Wasn't me. Terms of my release were no phone and no internet."
Emily, swiftly: "Then whence your It Gets Better video?"
Mona: "Oh, um. That was the Vice-Principal that let me do that. One-time thing. Supervised internet. Homework and stuff."
Aria: "That wasn't homework. That was desperation on an Aria level."
Mona: "Look, Jason said he would help me, and he got permission to..."
Spencer: "[Jason-related freakout.]"
Hanna: "We know you were sneaking out of Radley, Mona. It makes it tough to believe anything else you say or do."
Mona: "Ouch, actually. Okay, I guess I'm done here. I knew it would tough working this all out with you guys, but damn."
She runs off crying. The Liars are unmoved. Or rather, they are unmoved as far as each other is concerned, but each seems privately a little doubtful of whether it's still an act. Finally Spencer is just like, "That's enough thinking about her. Move out, now." They leave, in formation. Spencer death-glares, Mona shrinks.
DETENTION
Meredith: "Ella, hey. Got a minute?"
Ella: "Absolutely I do not."
Meredith: "I saw you talking to your daughter yesterday..."
Ella: "Yeah, well. Families do that. Even after they get wrecked. By sluts."
Meredith: "I assume it was about me getting exploded?"
Ella: (Weighs whether or not it would be worth telling her to get over herself.)
Meredith: "Because I'm not going to pursue it..."
Ella: "Pursue what, you asshole? They got the guy."
Meredith: "I jumped to conclusions. It's true. But I hope we can all be friends or something stupid."
Ella: "I've got a hot boyfriend, Byron's moved on (to keeping heads in hatboxes). You are irrelevant. Nothing easier than keeping that shit professional."
Meredith: "Great! I'm so glad we could have this weird, awful talk."
MONTGOMERY
Emily: "I love your room, man. I love how it doesn't have robot windows."
Aria: "So we still don't know who was actively helping Mona, and now Jason is on the table again. Ugh. And I talked to Ella yesterday. She was apparently blotto that night."
Hanna: "So your dad roofied your mom? Is that what we're saying? Because drunk moms, not to brag, but they're kind of in my wheelhouse..."
Aria: "I mean, that's somehow even worse than when we just thought he buried our best friend alive. That's like, Aggravated Finding A Shovel, if he got Ella drunk."
Emily: "Well, maybe he was just sneaking out to fuck Meredith."
Aria: "Very helpful, Emily. Also, I have the flu. I don't know it yet, but I am coming down with the flu, which is why I was watching that movie at the beginning of the episode, because week is going to be that movie."
They get into a situation of trying to remember exactly what Alison wrote in her diary, about him coming to meet her the night she flew an airplane back from Hilton Head, and Aria goes looking around her desk full of poems, fan fic drabbles, sketches of fairies, and whatever other crap she does when we're not looking. Guess what's missing? A certain sumpin' sumpin'. They start throwing around Aria's boots looking for the diary pages -- somehow, Hanna can make even a boot search entirely adorable -- and Byron appears out of nowhere.
Byron: "Quite a mess you're making! Lose something?"
Emily: "Uh, yeah! A... Um, a boot! Oh look, here are some."
Byron: "You know how you always used to hide your Halloween candy in your winter boots? Because I sure do remember that. Smart hiding place. You clever, clever girl. Anyway, I'm off to go drink milk probably."
Aria: "Soooo."
I like how even though it's taken her a couple episodes, Aria's fully come around to assuming that her father is trying to kill her. What's amazing is that it's actually a realistic timeline for this show. Two weeks of trying to ignore the awful truth, one week of tirelessly bitching at anybody who points out that it is obvious, and then boom: Instant Spencertown.
HASTINGS
Spencer: "...And that's fifteen former Soviet Union countries, in alphabetical order."
Toby: "Nailed it. I love helping you study for Aca Deca. And looking adorable, which I totally do right now. I want to come with you and watch you take down Mona."
Spencer: "Leave this to the people who are not high school dropouts."
Toby: "Just saying, you're pretty focused on this. Like in a way where it's not about college applications..."
Spencer: "There are 42 clubs at Rosewood High. I know that, because I have either joined or destroyed every one of them. And yet Mona picked this one. It's a thing."
Toby: "Hold on, I have to take a super creepy phone call. Good luck at your deal, where I certainly won't be lurking without your knowledge."
LUCAS HAS A BEDROOM
It is full of an entire comic book store's worth of comic book store crap, much like my own house, but the difference is that I didn't steal money from a werewolf to finance it. And even if I did, no one werewolf could afford all of this. There are some statues in there I would feel guilty about receiving for my actual birthday, is how expensive this stuff is. Jesus H, Lucas. One more reason you should stop being pretend and a teenager and start being my actual, age-appropriate boyfriend.
Hanna: "Listen. We need to talk about Mona. And we need to talk slow, because Jacob is going out of his mind right now in this room, and can't really concentrate."
Lucas: "As usual, I can't talk about Mona but won't let it stop me talking about Mona."
Hanna: "So she was blackmailing you?"
Lucas: "She is still blackmailing me. It all started when she texted me at the Masquerade Ball, to go distract Jenna..."
Time out. Because that was also Melissa that had that happen, including the Black Swan dress: That whole secret meeting of Jenna and Lucas and Melissa was a smokescreen, with the Black Swan at the center. Which means everything except Red Jacket/Queen of Hearts has now been explained, in terms of weird things that were going on that night, and the Liars don't even know about Red Jacket anyway, so the whole Ball can now just go away forever. The show usually does more to cover up its red herrings, I'm just saying. On the other hand, it's the show's prerogative to never explain anything, so it's sort of a sweet gesture.
Lucas: "...And then once she was in Radley, I had to bring her an envelope from Jason DiLaurentis. And then lately she tried to run me over when I tried to get out."
Was that the pills that Emily and Paige roofied each other with? Or another envelope? Because I was pretty sure Jason stopped doing drugs. I think he might have mentioned that at one point.
Anyway, Lucas continues giving us the answers to a lot of the A-Team Infighting stuff that's been going on: It's a pyramid scheme, so Lucas only ever worked under Mona, so we still think it's just Mona. He was a middleman, kept in check because she knew he was selling test answers (oh Lucas, you wonderful slimeball), but now that he's out and she's resorted to vehicular, he's decided to drop out and homeschool.
At least this time he doesn't have to re-sell all the memorabilia he bought and then sold off to pay Caleb and then apparently bought again with his new source of income. This time, he can just sit in there all day. Lookin' at it. Just like Nicolas Cage.
MONTGOMERY
Ezra: "I am too busy writing to be in a relationship! But I miss you!"
Aria: "It's okay, I feel weird about like everything right now so I don't care. Being a grownup can be very numbing!"
Ezra: "Nice chatting with you! We are interesting and so grown-up!"
Aria hears, and then interrupts, Byron getting physical with Meredith's burnt arm right outside her bedroom door. Something about how she needs to keep her stupid face out of his stupid family business and go work on her turnout, I think. Meredith wants to know something about Aria, because she is fucking nosy, and Byron won't tell her about whatever it is, presumably because he is a maniac.
SWIM & GET MURDERED IN THE WOODS PARTY
Paige: "I am having a panic attack because we have driven so far into the woods. I have to freak out and wear flannel now."
Emily: "Like, it's just a party. With hot girls."
Paige: "No, this goes crazy deep. I am becoming a homebound agoraphobic due to being punched in the boob by a man in a dress. I told you I was grounded too? Lie. I am grounded by my own deep craziness. I was only able to keep this very important, sad and crazy secret from you because you are grounded in reality."
Emily: "You are literally worse at being somebody's girlfriend than anyone on this show. Which I will remind you also includes an incest enthusiast and about thirty statutory rapists."
Paige: "I thought you would stop liking me if I wasn't strong enough for you!"
Emily: "Bitch, when did you think I got the idea that you were 'strong'? I don't like strong women, I like fucking crazy women. Trust me, the only thing that keeps me going when you pull this shit is the fact that you out-crazied Alison DiLaurentis. Cry, get panic attacks all you want, whatever. I just want to know, at the end of the day, that you're gonna try and drown me."
QUIZ-OFF
Is apparently such a big deal that everybody is dressed up and the whole thing takes place on the set of like Weakest Link. It looks amazing, Mona looks amazing, Spencer's rocking the Kate Hepburn Suit complete with terrifying cameo neck-broach, Hot Nerd's workin' it in a courageous print, the whole thing is just set to blow. And Spencer takes the early lead, much to Hot Nerd's cheer.
MEREDITH NEEDS SOME WINE
And Aria needs to sneak up on her. Walking past a guy who is apparently passed out in a phone booth near the door, she makes her way toward her dad's boyfriend with a look of trepidation that says, "It is so exhilarating to make decisions because my decisions are always so well-thought-out." But in fact, it's one of those Anita Moments where Aria is being a total Gryffindor, which is always very exciting.
Aria: "Honey, I've never seen him that mad. I honestly got scared for you. If there's something going on, you might maybe should tell me."
Meredith: "...Have a seat, actually. This is how far I have fallen."
Aria: "So it sounded like you caught him doing something..."
Meredith: "Going through your shit, actually. And last week, it was my purse."
Aria: "Whoa, seriously? How come?"
Meredith: "To be honest, he told me he thought it was yours. So. Yeah. The fact that he kept going through your shit after that, I just... Had to ask. I waited around until he took Mike somewhere, and then I went through his shit..."
Aria: Snatches the pages out of her hands.
Meredith: "Nothing I didn't know. The whole blackmail thing with Alison..."
Aria: "Um like my entire life is based on the idea that he wasn't seeing you at that point. If I thought I no longer had to keep that secret, and I was wrong, that would make me an idiot. In some ways, the Big Idiot. It would break my heart if the lies went back that far."
I must admit, this episode is doing wonderful things for Aria. This whole season has been great for her, but post-Halloween she's really earning her Shusher status.
Meredith: "No, it's not that bad. But he came to see me the night she died..."
Aria: "He was with my mother the entire night!"
Meredith: "You know that's not true, right?"
Aria: "...Yeah. Fuck it."
Meredith: "He still thought I was the one that destroyed his office [that time with those earrings] and somehow had convinced himself I was in cahoots with her, trying to Hitchcock him from both sides. Anyway, he went from my house to meet with her. I begged him not to go... day, dead."
ALSO AMAZING
A fun, extended sequence in which Spencer trounces Mona, at about a 2:1, with lots of funny little factoids -- "Not a picaresque, a bildungsroman," which I won't get into except to say that only Mona Vanderwaal could confuse those two things, because that's literally what she is, not to mention what this show is: a picaresque that thinks it's a bildungsroman -- and their constantly ringing bells.
SWIM & GET MURDERED IN THE WOODS PARTY
Paige: "Sorry I fuck everything up."
Emily: "Let's just get frozen yogurt and be on a date."
Paige: "That's my girl... Oh great, a flat tire."
Which sends her into another panic, especially when they see how slashed it is. Paige wants to run away from the rustling in the bushes, but you know Emily is just gonna... There she goes. Aw, damn. That's my girl indeed.
They lose Toby after a while, and head back into town. I love, once again, how all of Toby's business is automotive: Cars, bikes, skateboards... Maybe there's a stable amount of transportation karma in Rosewood, and Hanna will never hurt anybody again with a car or a boat. Maybe Caleb's mom is finally safe.
QUIZ-OFF
That neat gauzy effect from Aria's house at the beginning, crossed with techno music, lends a Hackers-esque urgency to the proceedings, and we get a lot of close-ups directly into camera as the ladies continue their showdown. Spencer gets to her last question, which is fifteen former parts of the Soviet Union in alphabetical order -- the thing she nailed earlier, with Toby -- and begins melting down just a little bit. Mona corrects a couple of them, but once her time is up Mona has to go back through them all.
Mona: "By population? Or GDP?"
Hate to say it, but...
YEAH, THAT RULED
And speaking of picaresques becoming bildungsromans right before your eyes, Aria's home. I think it's maybe worth noting that of all the first Secrets everybody had, this whole Meredith thing could actually be considered Aria's original Secret. Making Ezra a symptom of this, not actually the Secret itself, if you see what I'm saying. So it's cool that just as they're expanding her into the rest of the show's universe, she's having to circle around to cleaning up Byron's original mess. I guess this goes back to the earrings, now I think about it, but she's always got so much going on with Ezra I didn't think about it. It's nice.
Byron: "Aria! And Meredith. Aria, I need to talk to Meredith. We can discuss my violent loss of control whenever I feel like it."
Aria: "Fuckin' whatever. I hope she breaks up with you."
QUIZ-OFF
As Mona's elegantly handing out cupcakes, Hot Nerd offers to accompany Spencer to the administration and appeal the whole thing, but he's even more impressed by her answer: "Would you wanna win that way?"
Hanna: "I just got your text about my best friend ranking on you. Are you okay?"
Spencer: "I guess she cheated? I'm more upset with myself, honestly. And I'm dressed like a jewel-toned prairie witch, which just seems stupid now, and Toby's off chasing Emily and Paige through the woods, so..."
Hanna: "First of all we're gonna get you out of that neck-broach. Scariest thing a woman can wear on her body. And then... Actually, hang on."
Hanna: "Mona. A word?"
Mona: "Sure! You want cupcakes? They don't have pigs on them and you don't have to eat them in front of the football team, but they should still taste pretty good..."
Hanna: "Cut the crap, Mona. I know you're still jerking us all around, I know you're after Lucas, and I know everything is lies. I feel like an unbelievable asshole for loving you so much, and visiting you so much, and worrying about you all the time, and feeling guilty about the shit you did to me, which if you think about that for a second you will totally understand where I'm coming from..."
Mona: "No but this time I'm totally serious!"
Spencer: "You're getting kind of Spencer here, Hanna..."
Hanna: "I don't want to see you, or talk to you, or even know you. We clear?"
Mona: Turns back evil, presumably.
Hanna: Doesn't even consider that she probably just killed Lucas's entire ass.
It's interesting. If you take Mona's stuff last year at face value, this is pretty much her entire reason for being A. I mean, we know there's more to it, but the official Mona narrative is that she hated Spencer and the others for taking Hanna away from her. Specifically, she said, it wasn't about them letting Alison abuse her: It was because she had Hanna and then lost Hanna. And even a person not paying attention -- the opposite of Mona -- would be able to pick up on how much energy Hanna's been spending on her since that night. So basically, why wouldn't Mona go crazy again?
Hanna, what are you thinking? Defending Lucas and Spencer tonight is an admirable thing, but it also makes you look kind of like if the Final Girl in an '80s horror movie suddenly lost her virginity in the last ten minutes. Like, you are definitely in for it now.
MARIN
Spencer: "Also, my brain exploded from all that practice. Maybe we could switch places for a while. Like, you could be the intense one and I'll be the dumb one."
Hanna: "Sounds like a plan. Oh, look. A friggin' text from A."
"Cut Mona off? Big mistake. You're not the only one who can slice and dice..."
Liars: "Ugh. Shut up, A. I'm so sure."
Spencer: "Anyway. What's this about Lucas?"
Hanna: "He's not with Mona. She was just using him, like an evil personal assistant. I think there's more people out there. A Team, if you will..."
Spencer: "That's interesting, but I'm gonna derail that train of thought so I can tell you that yelling at Mona was maybe a scarily dumb thing to do."
Hanna: "Nah, fuck it. We know what she's capable of, which means we know what she is capable of. Mona can't hide anymore, and neither can we. We don't have to. Burn it all down!"
Spencer: "The real reason I failed tonight is because I saw her crack for a second, again, just like in the courtyard when you bitched her out the first time. I went for the weak places because I am Spencer Hastings. I am cocky and competitive. And I saw her soft underbelly, and I wanted to take a bite. That is what you're doing now."
Hanna: "Oh my God, we actually are switching places. When was the last time we ate at a Chinese restaurant? Because I saw this movie where a mom and daughter..."
Spencer: "I think she played weak on purpose. What does she care? She doesn't have to hide behind A anymore, now that she's got this whole cult of personality thing going on and she doesn't have to act stupid anymore. She can come after us in the open."
Hanna: "She's going from Dark Hanna to Dark Spencer, but with all the emotional kicked-puppy powers of a Dark Emily. No wonder there's no room for Jenna anymore."
MCCULLERS
Emily: "Wait, so we're having a sleepover? Won't your/my parents ixnay that?"
Paige: "Just stay downstairs, it'll be fine. You look nice in my granny nightgown. Frankly, I think my parents are just glad to see me using human words and noticing light and sound."
Emily: "We both know this is all my fault, right? I brought you into the A game."
Paige: "Don't worry about it, you were amazing tonight. You refused to get scared, you chased her into the woods..."
Emily: "I still get scared, I just... Turn it into rage. So far it has kept us both alive. And it turns out I fucking love it. I almost entirely get why Spencer is like this now."
Emily: "Listen, you need therapy."
Paige: "What? Me? Paige McCullers?"
MONTGOMERY
Aria: "There's that flu coming around, as predicted. I sure hope either one of my parents is available to take care of me!"
Meredith: "Nope!"
Aria: "Thanks for taking care of me, Meredith."
Meredith: "Yes. To death. Listen, do you want me to hold onto those diary pages?"
Aria: "...No. Thanks."
Meredith: "Did he kill that girl? Is that even possible?"
Aria: "I mean..."
Meredith: "Well, he'll be gone a couple days, so we can figure this all out together."
Aria: "Are you fucking crazy?"
Meredith: "Yes. But I'm in this to win it."
Aria: "Thanks for the tea. I hope it is not poisoned."
Meredith: "You betta! See you episode, if you live that long."
A-TAG!
Kind of. There are three. First, Byron in the middle of the night sketchily packs up some stuff in his office and leaves. Then Mona appears, reporting on his exit from his office and promising to call the person back. Then another A, presumably, presumably Toby, buries some Halloween masks near some train tracks: First the white domino that both Caleb and Mona were wearing, and then the Harlequin/Queen of Hearts that roofied Aria. So, lots of action.
WEEK
Meredith nurses Aria and her flu or pregnancy or malaria or what have you, and they try to figure out why Byron is like this all the time and maybe even why he got into such a hurry to move to Iceland when Alison died, while everybody else continues flipping out, in Pretty Little Grand Tradition. Maybe we will find out where everybody's parents are? Maybe they're all in the same location, planning their murder. And speaking of that generally, they've made a point of mentioning Mikey Montgomery every episode so far, so maybe him?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.