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Whew! That was a lot. This season is really good. Okay, from the top. Emily assumes that it was A who cheated her test for her, since that's exactly what went down with Operation Pain Cream, but sensibly heads immediately to Ella to confess. Ella is so shocked by anybody taking the direct approach to anything on this show that she does another unheard-of thing, and tells the truth. Once Ella's job is threatened, Ezra jumps in to play the White Male card and earns himself a pat on the back from the Vice Principal for cheating. He assures everybody that this has nothing to do with Aria, and then gives Emily the opportunity to take a new test to prove herself to herself. It is great! Also great: Emily is acting so Spencer Psycho that the Liars are finally starting to notice; Ezra is being so awesome and charming that Ella is starting to defrost.
Aria -- still reeling from the news that she and her compatriots have been stalked by a ghost ninja for the last two seasons, which she'd never noticed -- agrees to play piano for Jenna so she can do some sleuthing and have some weird conversations. As per usual, this turns up exactly one clue, which is a meeting at a gun shop, so the Liars follow Jenna there, and -- as is their wont -- start taking off their earrings the second Jenna comes flouncing out of there with working eyeballs.
They corner Jenna in an alley and are horrible to her some more -- I was convinced there would be actual violence -- and she finally reveals that she's being stalked as well, which is why she's been lying about her sight since the first operation, when she cried that time. (There's still the Geordie LaForge thing happening where just knowing that she has eyeballs and seeing her eyeballs is itself creepy, after two years of the shades, but I guess that'll fade eventually.) Oh, and Emily's memory of Jenna's car: She picked her up on the sidewalk, drunk, and then had to drop her off a block later because Emily was going berserk. So, no go there.
Spencer is where I get confused because there was a lot of Hastings stuff, and you know they don't talk to each other like normal people do, so it's a sort of whirlwind. Veronica won't say why she's suddenly Garrett's lawyer, but Spencer is pissed, and then the Liars wonder if he is Melissa's babydaddy -- oh, Melissa's here, just Melissing it up all over the place -- and then Spencer figures out that Melissa either was never pregnant or... Something? Some sketchy milk-drinking yogurt-stealing Mystic Falls-founding serial killer baby-having nonsense. Maybe she's in love with Garrett, maybe both, maybe neither, I don't know. I just know she's the Chris and Albie to Spencer's Lauren Manzo.
What complicates it is, Veronica is also lying about whatever this plotpoint is, which might have to do with her change of heart about Garrett, but there's clearly a lot going on with this secret of Melissa's miscarriage. To what end I don't know, but I like it when the generations cross like that, in that NAT Club way, so any chance to have them constantly flip back and forth between being jerks and being sorry for being jerks, or for Spencer to bug her sister about that video of them chilling in Ali's room that time, generally leads to good places. What is actually going on, I couldn't begin to tell you.
Hanna continues to disappoint Caleb with her total lying about everything, and it's sad, and also what is sad is that Lucas has lost his damn mind and is now a firebug and grumpy all the time and related to the A-Team in some way. Or else he's still protecting Hanna in the middle of his downward spiral, considering his flimsy reasons for visiting Mona at Radley. Which I know you wanted to hear about most of all, and girlfriend did not disappoint, but also: Lucas drops some cryptic knowledge on Caleb about the A-Team and icebergs and all manner of scary, and they revisit the broken wreckage of their bromance, and it's kind of sad. But there's hope, there's always hope. It was early and throughout this episode that I realized Caleb is played by a fantastic actor, which is pleasant to have finally noticed.
Speaking of fantastically talented actors, Mona is now giving makeovers in her mental institution, and when she gets visitors she schools their asses as well. After saying the most Mona thing of all time -- "I know we've had our ups and downs," she says! -- she gets the whole nine from Hanna about still keeping A secrets. So she teases a bunch more A secrets and clues and whatever, of course, and then later she pulls this massive head trip on Caleb where he tells her to leave Hanna alone and she weaves back and forth like a Rudyard Kipling snake trying to hypnotize him into being dinner for a while, then abruptly starts screaming her head off and throwing tables and getting sedated.
Was she faking? I think so, but I also think she is fucking crazy, so it's really kind of moot. In the end, she sings (lovely!) a little song about eyes and hearts to a playing card of the Queen of Hearts, whom I suppose is the person I've been calling Little Red Riding Hood, and which is much better... Especially given the Alison/Vivian "blondes & brunettes" clue Mona drops while playing solitaire.
Between her crazily breezy affection with Hanna, and then the fifty shades of crazy she was pulling on Caleb, I'm thinking the jealousy factor might be a bigger deal than I thought, moving forward. But as for the A-Team, the Swan, Lucas, That Night, and the Queen... I honestly don't know how much help Mona's gonna turn out to be. I'd hate to think she's actually that much a victim of all this -- I mean, the girl's a superhero, she lives in a hyperreality that we can barely even contemplate -- but she's clearly not in charge, no matter what the Liars still suspect.
week: Hanna either gets run over by a car or talks more about getting run over by cars, and then gets dumped by Caleb. Melissa drinks an Ashley Marin amount of wine and yells at Spencer about her imaginary baby some more. Mona starts talking in different voices, or twitching one eye and then the other eye, or whatever is totally freaky and not a skill any young actress should possess. Emily reminds everybody, once again, that she is no longer taking any bullshit. Aria begins to suspect that she and her friends are being stalked by a malevolent force known as "A." The Liars dump a bucket of pig's blood on Jenna for no reason, or just make her face smell like a foot.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Garrett was playing Spencer from inside, for reasons that must remain elliptical forever I guess, but eventually got her mom Veronica to be his lawyer. Emily got a necklace of human teeth, and also kidnapped by Jenna at some point. Aria was approached by Jenna to play piano for her, and was led by mysterious earrings and not-so-mysterious daddy issues to reveal the fact that she was once a Teen Vandal. Meanwhile, Hanna's visits to her once-obsessed, now nonresponsive ex-bestie resulted in chairs thrown and lies lied to her longsuffering werebeau.
QUAD
Jenna: Acting all blind, presumably just to piss off everybody.
Liars: "God, what a performance. And what is her aim? To what end, this blindness?"
Aria: "Speaking of crazy bitches we all hate, I wish Mona would go back to catatonia."
Spencer: "Along those lines, Melissa is coming home so I guess the three Hastings women will have a quorum about Garrett Reynolds and whatever else. In some ways I hate that we can't have one-on-one conversations, but on the other hand I don't really like any of my family members except my bastard brother anyway."
Hanna: "We should push a table in front of stupid Jenna and see if she'll fake a fall."
Liars: "Hanna Marin, you have the subtlety of a hand grenade."
Hanna: "That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
Lucas: Flips the vice-principal the bird on his way to setting fire to his latest demerit, and it is awesome.
Hanna: "Lucas, why are you acting all crazy these days?"
Lucas: "My 'positive attitude' and 'social interactions' are not on my list of priorities. I am punk rock now. Every day is Guy Fawkes Day now."
Lucas lights this piece of paper on fire in a completely safe way, even snagging a metal trash can so it won't be a danger to anyone, but the music shits itself and Caleb runs in to save Hanna from her horrible fate of seeing a nerd light a piece of paper on fire. It is epic and pathetic all at once.
Hanna: "Lucas used to be so sweet."
Caleb: "First of all, that is not true. He was Nice Guy Aggressive at best. Also, don't call boys 'sweet,' especially if they like you."
Hanna: "He's becoming a real Sour Patch Kid!"
Caleb: "He's making up for lost time. Everybody goes a little crazy, he's just doing it in the most socially sanctioned possible way. Mostly I just miss him."
Hanna: "Talk him down, please. He loves you almost as much as he does me."
Caleb: "Speaking of our same-sex romances, I need you to stop visiting Mona."
Hanna: "That's so cute that you even said that."
Caleb: "That was not an answer."
Hanna: "Well, I have the subtlety of a hand grenade, so..."
HALLS
Jenna: "So thanks for changing your mind about being my accompanist."
Aria: "Well, stage fright is a weakness of character."
Jenna: "You just gotta look it in the eye. That is looking at you because it isn't blind."
Aria: "Was that a clue, or...?"
Liars: "I can't believe she said the word eye to you. What a bitch!"
Aria: "Sometimes I feel like we're just playing out Alison's programming when we act horrible about Jenna Marshall. She told us to hate Jenna, so we still do, no matter how silly or counterintuitive it gets. It's like this secret funeral for Ali that we don't even know we're still doing, years later."
Liars: "Or she's a brother-fucking bitch."
Aria: "Can't it be both?"
Hanna: "Remember when Aria knocked over that beehive? That was hilarious."
Liars: "Yeah, ha! Wait, that was you who did that?"
Hanna: "But isn't it funnier if it was Aria who did it?"
Liars, incl. Aria: "...Yeah, you're right."
Emily: "For some reason I got a 94 on that English quiz, which makes me wanna kill myself."
Liars: "Stop saying Spencer things."
Emily: "No, it's not because it's too low, it's because it's too high. I didn't even finish that test, I was too busy randomly remembering this one time Jenna kidnapped me."
Liars: "This is the most Emily problem. You're going to graduate high school, ya gift horse mouth-looker."
Emily: "No, think about it. This is exactly how the pain cream thing went down."
Liars: "Actually, okay. It is starting to look like something A would do, you're right."
Aria: "You guys are so paranoid all the time!"
Liars: "SHUT UP, ARIA. GOD."
WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF THE BECHDEL TEST?
Caleb: "Hey, don't set our girlfriend on fire anymore, okay?"
Lucas, verbatim: "Sorry about that. I was being ground down by a trivial bureaucracy."
Caleb: "We're worried about you. Ever since Hanna tried to drown you, and Mona turned out to be living in an adrenalized hyperreality, you've been acting tweaky."
Lucas: "I am not your pet! And anyway, you guys have bigger problems."
Caleb: "I know all about A."
Lucas: "Not possible, but in any case Mona-A was just the tip of the iceberg. And icebergs flip over. Science."
Caleb: "I think I understand that metaphor."
CHEATER CLUB
Emily: "I think I may be getting punk'd by grading."
Ella: "No, it's fine."
Emily: "But I didn't do that test and then got a 94 anyways."
Ella: "Don't stress about it."
Emily: "No, I don't think you..."
Ella: "-- EMILY. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. IT'S FINE."
Emily: "Ah. Hmm. Okay, so it's not a ghost ninja, just an adult misusing her authority on my behalf. I get that? And yet I'm still bothered. You may not have noticed -- nobody ever does no matter how many times I come out and say it -- but I am totally hardcore these days."
Ella: "Me too, girlfriend. Me too."
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Hey, Spencer. I'm randomly here."
Spencer: "Hey, I'm actually happy to see you. Let's start a stopwatch and see how long it takes before you completely..."
Veronica: "My daughter Melissa! And Melissa's sister, my other daughter! I just wanted you to know I'm Garrett's lawyer now. For reasons."
They talk for a while about how defense law is a thing that exists, but Spencer is not having that shit. Anybody else it would be a whole thing to discuss, but it's Spencer: The Platonic Ideal of what a DA should be like. No sense even trying to explain what a defense attorney is called upon to do.
Veronica, verbatim: "He convinced me of his lack of guilt as pertains to the charges."
Spencer: "But I don't understand how criminal law works! Shouldn't we just hate him?"
Veronica: "We can hate him and still deliberate whether he's guilty of the charges before the court. Plus, as I said, other reasons."
Spencer: "He killed my best friend! He killed my other best friend's girlfriend!"
Veronica: "Nah, he didn't."
Spencer: "Melissa! Surely you have a dog in this fight."
Melissa: "Whatever would make you feel safe and supported, just assume I'm going the other way. And in case you feel like bugging me about that, I'll remind you I feel totally comfortable playing the miscarriage martyr card at any time, no matter how irrelevant it is to what you're saying."
CHEATER DEBRIEF
Emily: "Did you know your mom has gone crazy?"
Aria: "I'm not surprised. But I mean, it's sweet that she did that, right? She's feeling protective?"
Emily: "First of all, fucking everybody needs to quit doing that. And secondly, this is exactly the kind of shit A thrives on anyway, which means this iceberg could flip over, and then it'll be a Secret, and I'll get pain creamed once again."
Aria: "I am so tired of A! This past five minutes has been a nightmare."
Emily: "SHUT UP, ARIA. GOD."
Aria: "I just don't know how you guys put up with it for so long. I started getting panic attacks on Day One."
HASTINGS
Melissa: "Yeah bitch, I drink constantly now. Deal with it."
Spencer: "Um, I was just saying hi. Listen, what do you really think about this Garrett thing?"
Melissa: "I don't even care about most of this shit. I could barely be interested in my molester husband's murder and faked suicide, and that took place at the same time we were having a car accident. I mean, I just don't care."
Spencer: "Well, you guys seemed tight before his arrest."
Melissa: "You have a lurid imagination."
Truer fucking words, lady.
Spencer: "My imagination is nothing compared to the facts. And the facts are nothing compared to the variations on solitaire that my fevered, lurid brain can't help but play. Fact, you were on that video in Ali's bedroom. Supposition, when he walked out of that bedroom, he killed someone..."
Melissa, laying down yet more truth: "Will you just stop? For once in your life stop trying to be the smartest person in the room. Climb out of Spencerworld long enough to see that some people have lost everything. Everything."
Spencer: "Look, I'm sorry about your molester husband being murdered -- in the middle of trying to kill me -- and I'm sorry about your demon baby, and all, but..."
Melissa: "Don't even bother trying to apologize for not visiting me during my hospital stay. The only person I wanted to see was Mom. And the reason for that -- I want to be perfectly clear -- is that we are teamed up against you."
This line -- delivered as Melissa heads out the back door, presumably to go do unspeakable rites in the shack out back -- is pretty interesting.
"You know, I hope she does get him off. Guilty or not. Because of all the men I've had to deal with, he is the only one who's always told me the truth. I figured it out too late, but I figured it out."
...No idea. None.
HOUSE OF THING
Jenna is playing the Creepster Flute facing a mirror, so she can watch Aria play the piano and fuck around with her stuff, but of course Aria doesn't remember that half the time, so she just blatantly stares at all of Jenna's stuff, looking for the obvious single clue that this scene exists to pass on.
Jenna: "Let's take a break and chat about Emily. How is the old girl?"
Aria: "I'm going to take that question at face value, because I am a halfwit."
Jenna: "I can't see her face, so I can't really tell, but the heart can only take so much."
Aria: "Life is tough all around, sister."
Jenna: "And how about that Mona! Adrenalized hyperreality, I heard."
Aria: "I'm still kind of pissed at her for trying to kill us over and over. To be honest."
Jenna: "Guess it worked out pretty well for you bitches, huh."
Aria: "Well, at least for me. As per usual."
Jenna: "Oh, I also wanted to ask about your dead best friend's grave. How weird, right?"
Aria: "As long as nobody suggests we had anything to do with it. You know what a grave crime being found with a shovel can be, in Rosewood. And the statute of limitations never runs out. On shovel-having crimes."
In the middle of this subtle-as-a-grenade interrogation, Aria locates the clue, which is an address and time with the notation, Wednesday -- bring earplugs. Probably one of those blind people raves that are such a big deal these days. Trust me, it's not the safest situation.
REGROUP
Liars: "Earplugs? God, how I hate her."
Hanna: "Are we sure it means this Wednesday? I do wish people would be more specific with their clues."
(FWIW, a little of that goes a long way. Hang enough lanterns and you'll end up with just lanterns, all the way down. Misha Collins on Twitter all the goddamn time.)
Aria: "She was concerned about you, Emily. Presumably trying to figure out if you remember her kidnapping you that time."
Emily: "My faulty memory, kittens. It's like trying to read a book and someone keeps ripping out the pages."
Spencer: "In Me News, I have decided that Melissa got my mom to defend Garrett."
Liars: "Maybe the whole blurted 'medical records' thing wasn't about Jenna at all, maybe... Whoa! Do you think that he is the father of her miscarriage? And if so, why marry Ian instead?"
Spencer: "Uh, because he's way less ethnic? My family isn't rocket science."
EZZRIA
Aria: "I think my mom might be getting fired, so I guess she can't drive me to your house."
Ezra: "Cool. I am stressing about jobs too."
Aria: "Have you ever helped out a student?"
Ezra: "You mean like a hand job?"
Aria: "No! Like, filling in their answers on a test."
Ezra: "Oh, gotcha. No. Sounds like something I'd do, though. Is this theoretical?"
Aria: "No, connect the dots please. I have only said two things in this whole conversation."
Ezra: "Ah, your mom. Sorry, I was still thinking about hand jobs."
Aria: "Anyway, so do you think my mom will get fired?"
Ezra: "Yes. Yes, I do. Unless I do something about it."
RADLEY
Mona: "Girl! That new medication they got me on makes my mouth real dry!"
Hanna: "I notice it makes you act basically normal. I mean, Mona Normal. Do other people visit you? Does Lucas visit you maybe? The Red Queen? The Black Swan? The various other members of the NAT or A-Teams?"
Mona: "My parents, but that's kinda awkward. You know, because they reared a psychopath supergenius who lives in an adrenalized hyperreality. But I gotta say, it was helpful having you visit. Even when I was quiet, I knew you were here."
I like it when people use quiet in that way. I remember talking to a showrunner's wife one time, about the times between his successes and how they made ends meet or things work, and she described it that way, with such a beautiful dignity: The quiet times, she called it. The times when things were quiet. I always think about that during the crazier or less healthy times of people or myself, "This is just a quiet time for right now."
Mona, amazingly: "Really! I mean, let's be honest. We've had our ups and downs..."
Hanna: "Uh, the fuck you say..."
Mona: "... And I've had to forgive myself for a lot of that. But how are you, Hanna Banana?"
Hanna: "Bitch, this ain't how that's going down. What the fuck? Stay on topic. You know the texts are back, you know it's not over, and you know that putting you in here did not solve the problem. Explain how you know these things. Or fucking else."
Mona: "I'm sorry somebody's giving you such a hard time. You have to be so careful these days. It's like you can't trust anybody. (1) Not even (2) family!"
Hanna: "Quick, say some even more vaguely horrifying, scary, threatening things."
Mona: "Don't worry, you'll always (3) have me. I'm not gonna forget any (4) of you."
Hanna: "Uh, I'm just gonna go..."
Mona: "Okay, bye! But hey, tell me this. They ever find what's left (5) of Alison?"
Hanna: "You really had a ton of those locked and loaded, huh?"
For a show about four amazing girls, this sure is a good show about four girls, their moms, their boyfriends and at least a few other totally amazing girls. This is the most Mona/Jennariffic episode of all time!
And I'll say this too, based on that "family" throwaway line, if Sister Kate starts dating Noel Kahn, we can all kiss our asses goodbye, because that is the No. 1 sign you're about to go batshit crazy.
TALON
Ezra: "I can't believe you're in the same coffeehouse where I pretend to still be an educator."
Ella: "I just wanted some coffee, dude. But like, this whole Emily thing. Am I right?"
Ezra: "Are you going to get fired?"
Ella: "Yeah."
Ezra: "Honestly, I thought that was a pretty awesome move."
Ella: "It was impulsive. If you'd walked in a minute earlier I might have rethought it. I think maybe I'm just going crazy."
Ezra: "I don't feel comfortable talking about your divorce. Due to how I am a major reason for it."
RADLEY
Hanna: "What's up, stalker?"
Caleb: "It's only stalking if I followed you. This was just going where I knew you were."
Hanna: "Look, you have got to let this go. I love Mona, and I need stuff from her. Okay? You're not a part of that conversation. Forcing it is why I keep lying to you."
Caleb: "That bitch is crazy! What do you even mean?"
Hanna: "There are two Monas. Both are crazy, admittedly, but one of them didn't break us up and torture my friends and run over me with a car."
Caleb: "Spool back. She was one of the people that ran over you with a car?"
Hanna: "Everybody has run over me with a car on this show, Caleb. I've done my fair share of running over other people with a car, in point of fact, so I can't really point fingers. Don't sweat the small stuff."
Caleb: "I just can't help thinking you're protecting me from some of the things."
Hanna: "It's partly that, and it's partly because even if I tried to tell you the facts, I couldn't, because there aren't any 'facts,' per se. That's not how this show works. I mean, if I tell you about video tape, week it's going to be a bracelet. If I tell you about the bracelet, boom. Human teeth. You learn to roll with it eventually."
Hanna: "Hey, Lucas. Imagine running into you here on the steps of this insane asylum. What a scary little foursome we make."
Lucas: "I am not here visiting Mona! I could have a lot of emotionally disturbed friends."
Hanna: "First of all, I saw you visiting her. Second of all, that's redundant in Rosewood. Simply the act of having friends means you have emotionally disturbed friends."
Lucas: "Fine. I was just here to see if she's faking being crazy."
Hanna: "Lady, that is the one thing that was never in doubt."
Lucas: "Okay, think about it this way. It's safer for a lot of people if Mona's crazy. Starting with how she won't go to jail as long as she is. And also how that benefits everybody else. Liars and A-Team both. So my presence here is moot. Laters."
Caleb: "...I don't know. I tried, and all he would talk about is geology."
Hanna: "Ever stop to think that maybe Alison's primary reason for existence was to prove that if we all stopped thinking honesty was a hand grenade, shit would actually work?"
Caleb: "Fine, Transparency Girl. You go first."
Hanna: "I ... see your point."
WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW
And for once, that's not a Toby Cavanaugh reference. No, the ladies are staking out an actual gun store, with a gun range, which is the kind of place you would need earplugs.
Spencer, meanwhile: "Hi! I'm pretending to be Melissa Hastings, and I'm calling to figure out something that Jacob will not understand even if he watches this sequence eleven times."
Hospital: "Sure, here is some informations."
Liars: "So now Ezra knows what Ella did too?"
Hanna: "I wish all my teachers would complete all of my work for me, that would rock."
Aria: "I mean, I understand intellectually that this is a problem for Emily, but I can't help thinking about how it affects me personally. My mom needs this job. To buy me things like feathers and fingerless gloves and bright orange platform shoes."
Hanna: "I mean, she was just trying to help poor old Emily."
Aria: "My understanding is that being constantly pitied is a huge reason Emily has become a feral psycho this season."
Spencer: "Hotel reservations on some date and then the miscarriage on some other date and then a lot of information and stuff!"
Phone Person: "Other things where that doesn't match up! Thank you for calling the hotel where we just casually give out guest information over the phone."
Spencer: "But yet more information!"
Hanna: "You know, what I should have said is..."
Aria: "-- Hey Lucas, remember when we saw you talking to Jenna and the Black Swan? And then segue into, What the fuck was all that about?"
Hanna: "Yeah, that would have been sensible."
Aria: "It really would. Because then we would know, like, one single thing."
Hanna: "Frankly, though, I'm more worried about how my constant lies are affecting my relationship with Caleb."
Phone: "Sorry, but something something something. We like to just casually give out medical information over the phone."
Spencer: "Are you telling me my sister faked a miscarriage and/or her entire pregnancy?"
Phone: "Yeah, that sounds right. I think that's what this scene is about. I could be way off base, though."
Spencer: "Well, as a young child who clearly should not have access to any of this information, I thank you. I will be drawing wild conclusions about this for the rest of the day."
Phone: "Glad we could help."
SCHOOL
Ella: "Emily, go home."
Emily: "No, I'm going fall on this sword. As usual."
Ella: "You've got a fine mind for ethics. Think about it this way, I am the one that screwed up, and you did nothing wrong. So I'm just dealing with the consequences of my actions. Once your test gets thrown out, you'll also be effed. Just wait for that."
Emily: "You don't get it. I'm not trying to be nice, I am pissed! You did this because I am pathetic and my girlfriend died and I was in the hospital for a week from pain cream disease."
Ella: "Yeah, so sue me. I love you and I consider you family."
Emily: "You bastard."
VP Hackett: "Ella, Emily! Just the little girls with no agency I wanted to talk to. Don't you two pretty little things worry about this situation anymore, the men have solved the problem."
Women: "The fuck?"
VP Hackett: "Ezra explained to me that women have no accountability for their actions, and that it was actually him that got carried away and decided to fake the test. I mean, you're just women. You couldn't possibly have acted on your own volition. Frankly I'm not sure you understand what even happened. Do you know what 'grades' are? Because it starts with that..."
Emily: "You motherf..."
Ella: "Hey, whoa, hey. Whoa. Got it."
She just grins hatefully at both of them, Hackett and Ezra, and thinks about her options here, and hates what they have all managed to accomplish today, but still. Being proven right rarely feels as good as being proven wrong, in the end, especially about gross things, but in this case it's the only way everybody can win.
Ella: "Emily, you'll understand this when you're older, but sometimes the better part of feminism is shutting up and letting these idiots do the work for you."
Emily: "But that's really wrong! It's against everything we believe!"
Ella: "Yeah, but it's right in line with what they believe. Sometimes you take a stand, sometimes you reap the benefits of somebody else's privilege. Your values don't go away just because you realize this douchebag's going to think the same bullshit about women regardless of what happens . That's what privilege IS."
Emily: "There's an ethical flaw in your reasoning."
Ella: "Yeah, but not a logical one. We can deal with the fallout later. For right now, just let me keep my goddamn job, okay?"
Emily: "But I like taking stands! And being a force for good!"
Ella: "I like those things too. But sometimes you gotta ask yourself who you're trying to impress."
Emily: "Of all the gross things this show can teach you, Mrs. Montgomery, this is the grossest."
Ella: "Sure is. It is also key to navigating the world as an adult."
GUN PLACE
Jenna heads into the gun place, looking at shit with her eyes and walking around on her legs and just being flagrantly a person. And the Liars! Are! Not! Having it! Aria reaches up to begin the laborious process of removing whatever bird-powered device she's using as earrings and Hanna starts shovin' her shirtsleeves up, and they throw up a Batsignal for the other two.
AFTER HACKETT
Ella: "Ezra, let me buy you a soda. But that's all it is, a thank-you soda. And now, what the fuck are you doing hanging out with the patriarchy? You're practically a lesbian, where do you get off playing crony games?"
Ezra: "Ah, that's the key. I wasn't coming to him as a Good Old Boy exactly. He's just terrified of conflict, so I told him a big lie about how I was the bad guy, and he bought it because he didn't want to think too hard about the logic. He was relieved enough that he just dropped the whole matter. I honestly think that he thought he was doing his job just now."
Ella: "So now we've both lied for Emily. Role Models 2012. But like, why did you do it?"
Ezra: "I'm going to keep saying it's not to make you like me, or so Aria will blow me. You won't believe me -- nobody could, ever -- but I'm going to keep saying it. And throwing out pathetic references to our friendship of old, back before I fucked your child in secret."
Ella: "Uh huh. Well, enjoy the soda, little man."
GUN PLACE
Liars: "I can't believe she goes to gun stores, with her working eyes. Driving her car, kidnapping folks and going to target practice with her ear plugs. God, she's a monster."
Spencer: "In Me News, Melissa didn't lose her baby in June, and there are no medical records as far as I can tell."
Liars: "Does that mean anything? And if so, pray tell, what?"
Hanna: "Who cares, there's Jenna. Let's beat the shit out of her."
RADLEY
Mona: "Of the many solitaire variations my Uncle Ned taught me, one of them is called Blondes & Brunettes. That's a clue."
Caleb: "You do seem to enjoy games. That was sarcasm."
Mona: "Listen, I live in an adrenalized hyperreality. I have a lot more spare time to fill than you Muggles, with your days that only have 24 hours in them."
Caleb: "Okay, well, whether you're crazy or not, please leave Hanna alone."
Mona: "You too are such a cute couple!"
Caleb: "Ugh, you're being so Mona right now. Laughing at all of us, there inside your head. But in the end, I get to walk out that door. Whether or not this is a trick, or an insanity plea, or just part of the game, I get to do that."
Mona: "You are a terrible kisser."
And just like that, she leans over, flips the table into the air, and screams directly in his face until the orderlies take her away. Caleb, whose acting is phenomenal this entire episode, makes a very unappealing face of fear as he leaves. You could almost miss it, in the glorious Mona-ness of this Mona scene, but it's really neat to watch him these days.
CORNERED
Is what the Liars have Jenna, in an alley. The first rule is, "Never go with bitches to a second location." Jenna has broken this rule, and has allowed the Liars to chase her into a blind alley, and I was fairly certain for much of this scene that they actually were going to beat the shit out of her, which made it even more stressful than a Jenna scene usually is.
Not to mention her eyeballs, which freak me out. She's a lovely girl and if we hadn't been watching this show for two years probably they wouldn't seem so wrong -- they're normal shaped, they're in the right places on her face -- but it's like one of those Tumblr pictures where they put mouths where the eyes should be, or turn the whole face upside-down on the front of a head. We don't know these eyeballs, so they are stranger eyeballs, in the middle of a face we've come to know and love. The Geordi LaForge Effect. I haaaaate it, and I hate even more the fact that a normal, pretty girl's pretty face makes me feel like I am losing my mind just by existing. Such is the power of the sunglasses.
Liars: "So you've been able to see since the first operation. Why lie?"
Jenna: "Key to this entire show is the idea that seeming more vulnerable than you actually are is often your only protection. Just because men put us in these boxes doesn't mean you can't derive power from it. Either way you're working the system."
Spence: "And you never told Toby this?"
Jenna: "Like he cares, first of all, but secondly, keeping secrets from the people you love is the best way to protect them. You ladies invented that concept."
Emily: "Okay, but so you kidnapped me?"
Jenna: "Kind of. I found you on the side of the road and tried to take you home, but you were too drunk and crazy and wouldn't shut up about Maya, so when you finally wandered off, I just said fuck it."
Spencer: "I am assembling a virtual-reality reenactment of Emily's whereabouts that night, if you could just give me the exact time these things happened. You know, so we can compare that to the timeline of when we found her at that grave, which the show knows we don't care about and thus never made explicit."
Jenna: "Sure. But you guys, please don't tell anybody that I can see. I'm still a target."
Liars: "After we beat your ass, we'll consider it."
Jenna: "Look, you assholes. You blew me up, you blinded me, you've made life hell since the day I moved here, you're being bitches even now for no reason other than that your dead friend was annoyed by me. Just do me this one solid. Please."
The Liars aren't even talking in English at this point, just growling and assembling themselves into this writhing wolfpack of hate. It is gross and it is perfect.
HASTINGS
Veronica: "No big deal, just going over all this paperwork to get your friends' murderer out of jail."
Spencer: "Did we mention that he's also charged with arson in the Jenna Fire? That also."
Veronica: "Anyway, I have high hopes about this. The Rosewood PD doesn't do great with evidence, historically speaking."
Spencer: "Well, I heard that! But also, wasn't that itself mostly due to Garrett screwing with the evidence?"
Veronica: "Anyway, thanks for your support."
Spencer: "It wasn't... I'm not... Fuck it, that's not even why I'm here."
Spencer: "I've been doing some investigating of my own, and do you know what I found? When Melissa was alone in Hanover, and she got sick, and she lost her baby, she didn't go to a hospital. There were no records. She just stayed at the resort, which is where you went to go meet her."
Veronica: "This is according to Melissa?"
Spencer: "Melissa wouldn't tell me if my hair was on fire."
Veronica: "That's a terrible way to talk about your..."
Spencer: "-- Mother. She went up there looking pregnant, and you brought her back down not pregnant. She was faking. So did you know that before you went up there? And is that why I wasn't allowed to come?"
Veronica: "No. That's just because we are teamed up against you. But as far as the fake baby or miscarriage, I wasn't ... entirely surprised to learn about this when I got there. As for facts or dates or why any of this is relevant, you'll have to get stonewalled by her. For I am quite busy, darling."
TALON
Ezra: "Hey, Emily! You look very empowered and self-actualized today."
Emily: "Don't you start."
Ezra: "Just don't blame Ella, okay? It was my idea to make things better slash worse for you."
Emily: "I mean, this is not what I need from my teachers."
Ezra: "Valid."
Emily: "And it makes me feel like there's nothing you would do that isn't about Aria."
Ezra: "I've been saying it's not about her, but you're probably right that I'm lying."
Emily: "Or at the very least, you guys feel comfortable crossing the teacher/student boundaries because of that relationship. Like, you dating Aria has just completely broken down the barrier that makes young people feel safe about authority."
Ezra: "Honey, this is Rosewood. That barrier was a malignant lie well beforehand."
Emily: "In any case, no thank you. But thank you. But no."
Ezra: "I took the liberty of making up a new test that you can take right now to prove this to yourself, and then you won't have anything to complain about."
Emily: "...Damn. I wish I could hug you. I wish that wouldn't be weird for 100 reasons. That is very kick ass."
True. Ezra, you done good today.
A-TAGS
1) Mona sings a song to herself in her bunk about "In the eye abides the heart/ And tender feeling/ All emotions worth revealing/ Through the eyes their charm impart..." (This being an unrecorded Stephen Foster song from the mid-1800s, of course, like who doesn't know that. Am I right?) She's holding the Queen of Hearts from her solitaire deck, so I guess that's what we're calling the Red Queen/Little Red Riding Hood from now on? I'm cool with whatever. Drink every time somebody in this show says the word "eye," but then also there's the "heart" thing, so who knows. It's thrilling, but not informative.
2) A+ pours him- or herself a nice tall vodka, does some sketchy shit, and then puts the vodka back in the freezer... Which in this case is a deep freeze, which also contains a bodybag, which A+ slowly unzips before we cut to black. AAAHH!
WEEK
Caleb hopefully dumps Hanna's ass for a minute so she can get it together; Mona does amazing things some more; Lucas's meltdown either continues or is ignored entirely; Melissa's womb continues to confound; and for the first time in her life, Emily must take a firm stand on the subject of pity.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.