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Well, guess who finally showed up? Aria Montgomery, with a pack of one-liners that would make Mona Vanderwaal blush. If she weren't, you know, locked up in Radley getting visited by an increasingly frustrated Hanna, of course. After a few broken dates with Caleb -- and some major chemistry with Dr. Wren -- Hanna drags Caleb along for a visit in which she actually gets Mona to open up and say some vaguely scary words after, sniff, giving her a nuthouse makeover that brought tears to our eyes.
But all too soon, Mona slips beneath the waves again -- if, it seems, less so week -- and is content to do shit like stab herself with tweezers until she bleeds everywhere. So yeah, the Hanna visits are definitely helping in Mona's recovery.
Aria, an absolute joy to be around the whole episode, gets a message from A in the form of an earring from Ali's grave, which it would seem disgusting Alison planted in Byron's office during his affair with Meredith in order to send Aria fully berserk. So there's a whole flashback sequence where Aria goes batshit and helps Alison wreck his office, which is apparently when things went really toxic and scary between Byron and his lucky student, back in the day. Somehow, fuckin' Byron twists this around to be something tacky his daughter did, and demands that Aria apologize to Meredith for that one time she sabotaged their gross affair. It's super creepy, but then both Meredith and Byron are 100 percent creepy, so fine. Whatever it takes to make Aria act as non-stop freaking excellent as she did tonight, bring it.
Emily's daytime story is one of scholastic uncertainty, as Aria pressures her into accepting Ezra's tutoring help so she doesn't end up being held back. But it's Ella who saves her in the end, fully completing one of her exams for her after she goes back into her fugue state of remembering the old blue car. And Emily's latest memory of That Night is fairly important, as it turns out: Jenna was the one driving the old blue car that took her to the empty gravesite. Jenna!
Meaning that Jenna can see, which the Liars confirm in a heart-stopping bathroom moment that has almost everybody ready to -- as usual -- rip Jenna's ass wide for no reason, until Spencer decides they can keep the secret for now in order to use it against her. Oh, and earlier in the episode Jenna asks Aria to accompany her for a performance of one of her many instruments, which ends poorly and bitchily for everybody. But mostly it's the whole thing where she's faking being blind even at school.
Spencer is baffled by her mother's insistence that she stop visiting Garrett in jail, but even moreso once Veronica and Garrett agree that she'll take the case, as long as they both keep any information related to Ali and Maya's murders out of Spencer's hands. This, of course, causes Spencer to go relatively crazy, but the whole crew spends the day in such a heightened state of craziness that you could barely tell: The first thing that happens in the episode is Emily's discovery -- complete with the classic Buckley touch, in this case that wonderful horror-movie thing where the background shoots into the distance, that I've always wondered what that's called -- of a necklace in her purse made of human teeth that says "DEAD GIRLS CAN'T SMILE." And I mean, that's how the episode begins.
So: Jenna can see, Mona's on her way back to reality (or past reality and back to adrenalized hyperreality, perhaps), Red Riding Hood is putting together a new A-Team, Veronica is defending Garrett now, there are necklaces made of teeth, Wren is hot as hell, Ella is now cheating on Emily's behalf, Caleb's getting more involved in everything, Aria is finally getting a little A action -- and rising to the occasion, including dressing like a normal person -- and people are finally noticing that Emily has lost her damned mind.
week, lots of satisfying stuff: Mona flips out and does awesome crazy stuff, Lucas and Caleb speak openly about A and the murders, the Liars gang up on poor Jenna once again because they are monsters, and presumably Meredith and/or A come after Aria some more. I, for one, cannot wait.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Jenna can see, Hanna's visits to Mona at the Radley Institute for Gifted Youngsters are pissing everybody off (except Wren), that jailed Garrett is being as unhelpful as usual, Jenna can totally see, and Aria's parents finally, finally got divorced. But after a summer of little to no drama, somebody managed to drug sad old Emily, kidnap her, and position her above Alison's empty grave. So now -- in addition to being paranoid about that for some reason I still don't get -- they're also getting grosser scarier messages than ever from the new A (or As) with like, actual dead-people stuff from the coffin.
ENGLISH
Ella: "You know how in this book, Hedda Gabler was this strong, proud woman who wouldn't stand for being blackmailed? We could learn a lot from Hedda. Except for the part where she kills herself."
Class: "Spoiler alert!"
Ella: "Read the book, ya dinks."
Emily reaches into her purse and pulls out ... A necklace made of human teeth! The thing that happens is called a dolly shot, or a Vertigo shot, because it was first used in a DC Comics imprint focusing on dark fantasy and creator-owned properties in the mid-nineties. Also, I love Norman Buckley so very much.
Necklace: "D-E-A-D G-I-R-L-S C-A-N-T S-M-I-L-E !"
Emily: "Oh, I get it. Because teeth. I have to go barf now."
Liars: "May we be excused to go watch Emily barf?"
Ella: "Sure, what else is new."
WASHRM
Hanna: "Holy shit, are those teeth? Are they Alison's teeth? Whose teeth?"
Aria: "I think I'm going to have a panic attack."
Liars: "This new A is pretty gross, you know? But I bet they aren't even human teeth. Like how the hockey stick had just rat blood on it."
Hanna: "They are totally human teeth! I am familiar with teeth! They are an area of my expertise!"
Liars: "Okay, for the five minutes let's try to take this seriously. Between kidnapping and drugging Emily, and now this accessory, it seems like shit is heating up."
Emily: "I can't help feeling like everything is always my fault."
Liars: "The more you say that, the more we're inclined to agree with you. And that's not fair to any of us, really. Maybe you could remember like one helpful fact."
Emily: "My faulty memory has been an issue for some time, kittens. No dice."
Spencer: "Let's burn it! Like I always do to all of the evidence!"
Liars: "Spencer, no. Let's be cautious this time."
Spencer: Immediately drops the teeth necklace into an automatic toilet.
Aria: "Well, you gonna go in after it?"
Spencer: "Yeah, Aria, I guess I am. Give a girl a second."
Spencer: Immediately causes the toilet to flush.
Spencer: "I admit, I am off my game. But in my defense, when I woke up this morning I didn't know I'd be fishing human teeth out of a toilet. I don't know that you can really prepare for that eventuality."
QUAD
Liars: "Those dang teeth. Oh well."
Spencer: "So Hanna, about the Radley School for Gifted Youngsters. You have to go back."
Hanna: "After the nine miles of shit you guys gave me? No way."
Aria: "Mona clearly had a team working with or for her. That fact might be relevant."
Spencer: "If you do this, I will go back and visit Garrett. Although in the interests of full disclosure, I was going to do that anyway."
Jenna comes waltzing out into the Quad, banging into people left and right and generally acting way blinder than she did last season, when she was actually blind.
Aria: "I can't believe that bitch came home from music camp the day before school started."
Liar: "I know, she's such a blind bitch how she did that."
Aria: "You know what else pisses me off? How we saw Lucas wandering around in the middle of the night when we were also wandering around in the middle of the night. Just who the hell does he think he is?"
Liars: "So we know they're working together, because they were both at the dance talking to the Black Swan. Maybe these two things pissing Aria off have ... nothing at all to do with each other. I guess we're just spitballin' over here."
Jenna falls backwards into a trash can and then waddles around with the trash can on her ass, knocking over everybody with their lunch and a guy holding a tray of raw eggs, which break and run all over the cement, so then she blindly pushes a dude into the egg slime and he falls down, one leg shooting out, knocking Jenna's blind people cane into the left eye of a random exchange student, who is now half as blind as a blind person, but at least twice as blind as Jenna.
Jenna: "Oh my God, sorry! I'm just really blind today."
Rando: "It's okay, Jenna. I'm sensitive to your disability."
Aria: "God, she is the worst! Have you guys noticed she's like way blinder than she was last season?"
Ten points to Griffyndor!
COMP LAB
Hanna: "Hey, Caleb. Doing computer things?"
Caleb: "It's what I do instead of going to this school."
Hanna: "Here is a helping of lies, so I can ditch our dinner date and go visit Mona."
Caleb: "I'm disappointed about dinner, but even more disappointed by your deception."
LOCKER HALL
Emily: "Your mom thinks I'm a basket case."
Aria: "Well, the reason for that is, you are a basket case. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you."
Emily: "Did you know going into the hospital for a month because of mysterious drug-related pains can fuck up your GPA? All the love in the world isn't going to help me fix my grade situation."
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Aria: "Hey, you should let Ezra tutor you!"
Emily: "That teacher who has been fired from two different schools for fucking children? Yeah, I think not."
Aria: "But I just really think you should do this. He's so bored with his pathetic life that he ruined all by himself."
Emily: "Really? Nobody else on this whole show could help me with this? Not you, not Spencer who knows everything? Not Hanna, who is learning words?"
Aria: "Think of it as a favor to me. No, think of it as a thing I am going to railroad you into doing."
Emily: "I see from your eyes that I am not getting out of this one alive. Fine, give me the phone number of that teacher who fucks his students, and I will arrange a private meeting with him. It's not like either of our reputations could possibly suffer at this point."
Aria: "Everybody knows you're into old people, Emily. It wouldn't even be news."
Emily: "All right already, I said I would..."
Aria: "-- Whoa there. Back to me. It's about me again."
Meredith, A.K.A. Jody Sawyer, A.K.A. the Aria to Byron's Fitz back in the day, is just wandering down the hallway. Aria becomes awesome again for a second.
Aria: "Uh, excuse me? Can I help you find the exit?"
Meredith: "Ah, Aria Montgomery. I was hoping to tell you this in person. I am going to be getting Ezra's job, which Ella is temping this quarter."
Aria: "That is not happening."
Meredith: "I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna put a precocious jailbird teenager down as a reference, but thanks for confirming it. Bye now!"
Aria: "...Okay, that's like Jackie Molina levels of crazy and shitty. And yet still, somehow, I hate Jenna more."
EZZZRIA
Aria: "Okay but like why? Why would she want to work at the school where my mom works? Her lover's ex-wife? Or where I go to school?"
Ezra: "Maybe you and your family are just not that important in her personal context."
Aria: "The fuck you say to me?"
Ezra: "I was just... It was a joke. Don't be mad. I'm sure you're the center of her universe, just like you everybody else's. Hell, maybe she's stalking you."
You know what would be fucking excellent? If she started dating Mikey. Think about that for just one second.
Ezra: "So how's it going with your dad? Is he totally fine with you dating a grown man yet?"
Aria: "No, but I'll eventually figure out a way to emotionally blackmail him into it like I did Ella. Don't you worry."
Ezra: "As long as you do all the heavy lifting. Just like in the sack."
Aria: "Why hasn't Emily called you yet? I'm going to browbeat her some more."
Ezra: "If I do meet with your little friend, it is going to need to be in the most public place of all time. You realize that, don't you? Like Jumbotron-at-the-World-Series public."
Aria: "Luckily we have that new set this season. The coffeeshop. The Talon or whatever."
Ezra: "Is it new? I was thinking it might be the one where Jason showed you those pictures of your ghost nostrils."
Aria: "Hell, I don't know. That sounds equally possible. But thanks for bringing up photography! As you know, it has been my passion for several minutes now..."
JAIL
Garrett: "Is your mom my lawyer yet?"
Spencer: "That is so not a priority for me. But I'm happy to dangle the carrot so you'll tell me more cryptic meaningless shit that I can obsess on forever and ever."
Garrett: "Well. I didn't kill Alison and I didn't kill Maya. And I think that something in that dug-up grave might actually exonerate me, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. And I think also, medical records."
Spencer: "...'Medical records' what? What about medical records?"
Garrett: "That's all. Simply the two-word concept medical records. That's all I'm giving you today. It should keep you chasing your tail for a..."
Spencer: "Are you talking about Alison's medical records? Jenna's medical records?"
Garrett: "There she goes! Now you'll arrive at an oddly unconnected conclusion..."
Spencer: "Are you saying that Jenna is no longer blind?"
RADLEY
Hanna: "[Gossip.]"
Mona: (Unresponsive.)
Hanna: "[Gossip.]"
Mona: (Unresponsive.)
Hanna: "[Gossip about Noel Kahn.]"
Mona: (Still unresponsive. Somehow.)
Hanna: "Okay, you fuckin' know what, Mona? I have just about had it with your crazy person routine. Pull it together."
Mona: (Unresponsive.)
Hanna, verbatim: "If I told the police that you mowed me down with your car, you would not be here getting a slice of peach pie every day to wash down your meds. You'd be sharing a jail cell with someone calling you Peach Pie, while you braid her back hair!"
Mona, silently: "That's all I ever wanted. For you to call me Peach Pie, while I braid your back hair. Or to hollow out your body and drive it around town like a tiny car. But no, you were too busy with your werewolves and your gay Christians and your non-adrenalized Muggle hyporeality."
Hanna goes on a tear! Throwin' chairs and callin' her out, all, "You have made! My life! A nightmare!" Mona is unresponsive. Hanna is devoid of jubilation. Wren, on the other hand, is very responsive, and yanks Hanna out of there like she was smoking weed.
Wren: "Throwing chairs at the patients is not recognized as a therapeutic protocol!"
TALON
Emily: "Hello, Mr. Fitz."
Ezra: "Can I get you something? A cup of coffee? Coffee with brandy? An Amber Alert?"
Emily: "No, Mr. Fitz. Just knowledge."
Ezra: "I'm sorry about your dead girlfriend, by the way. As the December in my own relationship, I'm sure she was very attracted to your nubile young body and dewy, awakening sexuality."
Emily: "I am coping with Maya's death through my burgeoning alcoholism. I am also distracted from grief by the fact that I keep getting kidnapped and then repressing the memories of being kidnapped. But like, thanks."
Ezra: "...So. You've got makeup exams in English, Chemistry, History and Spanish. No pressure, am I right?"
Emily: "Dude, I found a necklace of human teeth in my purse yesterday. This is a fucking vacation."
WREN
Wren: "I'm not going to lie, I think Mona is pretty fucking terrible for the vague things she did to you. But that doesn't mean you should throw chairs..."
Hanna: "I'm not... It's not even about that, man. I feel really bad for her. And I didn't come to punish her or anything, I just happened to lose it this one time. Trust me, I'm taking inventory."
Wren: "I threw soup at a patient once."
Hanna: "I don't think you should say that in this hallway where you work."
Wren: "It was at my father. See, my father was institutionalized."
Hanna: "I'm only mildly positive I know who you are, sir."
Wren: "I know, it just gets lonely here. I like talking to somebody, and you are somebody."
Hanna: "She won't even apologize. Due to being catatonic, and all."
Wren: "Girl, she probably isn't going to apologize. Stop asking for non-crazy from crazy people."
Hanna: "I am flipping out. Explain it to me."
Wren: "You've lost someone whom you trusted, and you're also grieving for the Mona you didn't know, and you're grieving for the one you did, and she's not the only person or three that you've lost, and this one is maybe the worst, because she's still sitting there, being mysterious and crazy. In clinical terms, we call this ambiguous loss. There's been a death, but it doesn't involve a body. Like when a soldier goes missing, or a relative slips into dementia. They're gone, but yet still here."
Hanna: "I am going to use that term three times today, and then it will be mine."
Wren: "That's a very grown-up way to teach yourself new words."
Hanna: "I have become perspicacious on the subject."
Wren: "I didn't know we were dealing with a vocabulary bad-ass over here."
HASTINGS
Spencer, looking up from her book: "Hey Toby -- apropos of nothing -- where did Jenna go after music camp ended?"
Toby: "Uh, I don't know? I live over the Talon now?"
Spencer: "Her music camp ended on August twenty-third, Toby. Everybody knows that."
Toby: "I don't know that. It was weird being around her, after the surgery didn't work. I mean, it's always weird being around her because of how she keeps raping me, but this was like especially weird, because our parents treated her like a snow-globe, like she might crack. It was like they totally forgot that she's the worst and everybody hates her."
Spencer: "And so her whereabouts after camp, do you think she stayed in the Poconos, or..."
Toby: "Remember that thing where we're not having sex? Here is some sex."
They make out and he kisses her back and it's lovely. But not for long.
Veronica: "Spencer? Spen... Oh, you're on the couch with the Huckleberry Finn of Rosewood. Fabulous. Hello, Toby. I see the truck my daughter bought you is still capable of driving around. So how is that emancipated-minor thing working out? I'm sure you're very talented at whatever it is that you do. Manual labor."
Toby: "Mrs. Hastings. Good day at work, I presume?"
Veronica: "Incorrectly. As usual. Spencer, has your vastly preferable sister called?"
Spencer: "No, she's still in Mystic Falls I think. Listen, is she okay?"
Veronica: "That's a mean thing to say. Considering all she's been through, including this last most hateful and traumatic event of all, where a guy she wasn't dating got arrested right in front of her, in this very kitchen."
Spencer: "For murdering my best friend. And PS, I was standing there too."
Veronica: "Anyway. I'll see what we have in the pantry for dinner. Toby, what do you teenage boys eat these days? Besides everything in my goddamn house."
DEBRIEF
Aria: "Did you call him Ezra? Or Mr. Fitz? We had a bet going."
Emily: "I called him neither thing. It was just the two of us."
Aria: "Thanks! I will start talking about my relationship now."
Emily: "Oh, good."
...But no, not this time! Because hanging in Aria's locker is an ENVELOPE! And in that envelope is a pretty EARRING!
Emily: "Are you about to have a flashback? I hope it's about something that matters..."
FLASHBACK
Way back before Iceland, Byron told Aria that he was no longer seeing Meredith and that everything was back to normal. Alison didn't buy that for a second, so she dragged Aria to his office at the college, and started sniffing -- literally -- around. She detected Meredith somehow on the couch, and then randomly produced these earrings out of nowhere, which proved her case I guess.
(Except for how she obviously planted them, for what reason we can only speculate, but my guess would be that it was basically to see if Aria was ever going to do anything interesting. A goal which, as with most things Alison, I fervently agree.)
Alison then led Aria on a merry chase 'round the room, tearing everything up and hurling books and papers and writing on the walls, all with the theme that basically, Meredith was a quote 'bunny-boiler,' and that he should think twice about adultery in the future. Aria loved it, from the pink stripe in her hair down to her no-doubt tasteful shoes.
EARRINGS
Liars: "Uh. How come you never told us about that?"
Aria: "Please. If we sat around talking about all the insane shit Alison made us do, we'd get even less things done. Suffice to say these little flashbacks bubble up when they need to."
Liars: "Haha, like that time Alison snapped a girl's neck at that frat party and it slipped all four of our minds for years and then one day we were like, 'Oh shit, remember how Alison totally murdered a person in front of all of us and an entire frat party?' That is still the most awesome one. But this one's pretty good."
Aria: "Anyway, the earrings were in Alison's casket. I put them in there as a keepsake of the one time I did anything worth mentioning whatsoever, to thank her for tricking me into it."
Liars: "And now they have reappeared. On the same day as Meredith. Just as the A-Team is kicking into high gear. Coincidence? Maybe, who really knows or cares. Let's get to class."
TALON
Ezra: "...But what I can't figure out is that dolly zoom the same as the fisheye thing they did in that one Cremaster movie with the racecars? And why does everybody like those movies anyway? They're kind of the boy version of this show, I guess. Only instead of being totally awesome, they're really long and personal and esoteric and gross and boring and about balls... Emily, are you even listening?"
Emily: "Homoerotic personal mythology about football players and escape artists, got it. Anybody who'd marry Björk is not somebody I'm going to be able to decode in this lifetime. Is this going to be on the test?"
Ezra: "Oh, shit! I totally forgot I was tutoring you. I zoned out and just assumed you were Aria, my only friend. What are we studying now?"
Emily: "Sigh. Maybe Toby can get me a job on his chain gang or whatever he does."
Ezra: "Let's change tack. Somewhat radically. What do you do before a big swim meet?"
Emily: "Listen to the horrible lesbian music I enjoy most."
Ezra: "Then just do that before the test."
Emily: "Which test?"
Ezra: "All of them! You already know the answers, you just need confidence."
Emily: "Dude, you are worse at tutoring than you are at keeping your hands off little girls. Are you under the impression that Dumbo was a documentary? Because it wasn't. It included a talking rat that wore a drum major's uniform. Does that seem realistic to you?"
Ezra: "Emily I was going to save this until the end of our training, but I think you're ready."
Emily: "...This is a feather, Mr. ... Person. This is not helping."
Ezra: "Just bring a flask and your iPod to the makeup exam, and then do what you gotta do. Blaze up. Take the edge off. Frankie Say Relax."
Emily: "Mr. Person!"
Ezra: "What are they, gonna take away my teacher's license? I'm gonna lose my job I don't have? This is the first time I put on pants all week, and even that was the subject of much internal debate."
SCHOOL
Aria spots Jenna, on her way out to the carpool lane, and takes care to quiet her footsteps, lest...
Jenna: "Aria, is that you? Aria Montgomery? I recognized the generic ringtone everybody on this show has. Listen, I was going to call you tonight..."
Aria: "Gross, why?"
Jenna: "I lost my accompanist for week's assembly. He was partially eaten by the spiders that live everywhere in my house."
Aria: "I don't know how to play any instruments any more, sorry."
Jenna: "Come on, it's an easy piece! Just a couple of rehearsals and we'd be good to go. So you want to come over tomorrow? Just look out for spiders!"
Aria: "No. I don't want to. We're not friends. I hate you. I blinded you, I blew up your eyes, and I still hate you, is how much I hate you."
(Um, you could have just said to call her boyfriend? Noel Kahn? Who totally can play the guitar? Who is like, the best guitar player ever, of all time? You could have just said that. But no. Had to get all Aria on it.)
Aria: "I'm helping my dad with a ... project, see? And he's over there honking, I mean waving, yeah? That's the ticket. Waving. So I gotta go."
Jenna: "Have fun, you pretty little liar."
Because Jenna can totally see what's going on! Because she's not blind! Oh, Aria. These little white lies. And another thing that's not fair is, if Hanna has to visit Mona, and Spencer has to visit jail -- not to mention her frequent trips to the Lost Woods to recreate a three-dimensional hologram in spacetime of Mona's many costumes, don't forget that shit, ever, for the rest of your life, because it's fucking phenomenal -- and Emily has to go on creepy coffee dates with Ezra Fitz, the least you can do is risk Jenna's spider army laying eggs in your hairdo so you can go through all of her shit. Right? Like just this one time, engage in the show you are on?
MARIN
Hanna: "She invited you to that house? Oh my God, that's so gross! You gotta go!"
Aria: "Hell no, I'm not doing that. I get the heebie-jeebies at Spencer's house, I'm certainly not going to the Silent Hill equivalent."
Hanna: "Do you really think those earrings came from A?"
Aria: "The earrings that were in the coffin that A dug up? Uh, yeah. I do, Hanna. But speaking of idiotic questions, how did it go with Mona?"
Hanna: "I am a bit down-hearted about that situation, but I'll go back. Anyway, I have to get off the phone now. Caleb's home with my dinner and I have to complain at him."
Hanna: "Jeez, thanks for picking up dinner, but could you have taken any longer? I was suffering ambiguous loss of this Chinese food. That's once."
Caleb: "Uh, yeah, Mr. Entitlement, but actually they messed up and mysteriously gave our order to somebody else, and made our order fresh, just for us..."
Hanna: "That's like, just you saying that, is like a 65-70 percent chance that we are about to be eating worms."
HASTINGS
Veronica: "I have some shit to start with you, girlfriend."
Spencer: "I'm listening. In the red leather club chair that Jacob lusts for even when this show is the furthest thing from his mind."
Veronica: "Well, you need to stop making secret trips to Jail."
Spencer: "No."
Veronica: "Oh but yes."
Spencer: "I'm just really traumatized by how my friends keep getting murdered, and I am really curious."
Veronica: "To what end?"
Spencer: "For both intellectual and emotional reasons."
Veronica: "I don't care about either of those things."
Spencer: "Why are you givin' me the third degree? I'm not on trial."
Veronica: "When you're a mom you'll understand, but basically it's because I can look into the future and see myself and what Future Me is saying is, 'Man, I wish I'd stopped my daughter from visiting that child-murderer in jail and building a relationship with him, because then maybe when he got out of jail he wouldn't have come straight to my house and murdered my daughter. Probably he would've murdered somebody else's daughter, which would be sad I guess, but more importantly it wouldn't be my fault.'"
Spencer: "What I hear you saying is, we're gonna table this."
Veronica: "By the Anna Wintour flat-ironed hair I am rocking today, it is not tabled. It is dismissed. You are not going back there, ever. Not even to visit Toby Cavanaugh when he goes to jail for cooking meth, or dealing pot, or whatever people like him always end up in jail for eventually."
Spencer, upstairs: "Well, clearly I am going to ignore that whole conversation we just had."
Veronica, downstairs: "See? He finished my cheese. I had this brand new brick of cheese, he devoured it."
MARIN
Caleb: "Hanna, you haven't touched your worms! And you keep looking at the clock. I can't help but feel we're pretty little lying to each other again."
Hanna: "I was thinking I should visit Mona. Apparently visiting hours are passé."
Caleb: "That asshole?"
Hanna: "Caleb, I am a complicated woman. She was my best friend!"
Caleb: "Yeah, until she ran you over with a car!"
Hanna: "Honey, I have run over so many people in cars. Come on."
Caleb: "I feel sorry for her, I do. But I don't want to send her a get-well card. Or a get-well Hanna."
(Actually, what he said was quite different, but it included the word "pooping," and that is just too dismal to consider reproducing. If Caleb Rivers ever said that word to my face I would curl up in a ball and roll away like one of those Escher insects.)
Caleb: "When you're a werewolf you'll understand, but basically it's because I can't stand the thought of having to talk at your funeral and say, 'Man, I wish I'd dissuaded my girlfriend from visiting the...'"
Hanna: "Caleb! It is not about you!"
Caleb: "I just don't want her to hurt you again."
Hanna: "I am already hurting."
Valid.
Hanna: "Plus I am dealing with ambiguous loss. That's twice."
Caleb: "What does this new vocabulary term mean?"
Hanna: "It's like, somebody dies but they're still there. Sometimes just staring, sometimes sending you mean text messages from beyond the grave, sometimes being mean to you in a ghost chair so that you have a spontaneous psychological breakthrough."
Caleb: "I did not understand any of those words you just said, but I am concerned enough to go with you Radley."
Hanna: "Really?"
Caleb: "Yes. Because we should trust each other and you should know I have your back and you don't have to lie to me. In essence, because I am your boyfriend?"
Hanna: "That makes sense, actually. Just don't call yourself that in front of any of the doctors. Especially any crazy hot ones that once molested Spencer."
MONTGOMERY
Aria is menaced by A throughout the episode but doesn't notice it, because she is oblivious to everything, ever.
Aria: "...Dad? Is that you with the strange rustling noises? Mixed in with all the other strange rustling noises that follow me everywhere?"
Byron: "Honey, yes. I was just lurking in the house I don't live in anymore."
Aria: "Can I talk to you about a thing I once did?"
Byron: "As long as I can get self-righteous about it, even though I don't have a leg to stand on."
Aria: "That goes without saying. It's your main deal. So like, remember when somebody wrecked shop on your office at school, and you thought it was Meredith stalking you?"
Byron: "Yeah. That was a dark time in my relationship with her."
Aria: "Okay, well, that was actually me that did that."
Byron: "ARIA! I can't believe this! I can't believe you contributed to the breakdown in my extramarital affair! God, I'm so embarrassed!"
Aria: "Well. I did. I did that. Couple years ago, I did that. And now you're divorced, so..."
Byron: "No way, you are not getting out of this just by referring to my own destruction of my marriage. Not that easy, missy."
Aria: "This was really more of a courtesy call, in all honesty..."
Byron: "No. You are going to march yourself over to the Talon tomorrow, where Meredith hangs out because she doesn't have a job, and you are going to apologize to her."
Aria: "Uh, for what, exactly?"
Byron: "For HURTING MY FEELINGS!"
EXAM
Ella: "Emily, I hope that awful music you ladies enjoy so much has you ready to ace this test. Do you feel emotionally prepared?"
Emily: "I was born the opposite of that, but I am going to do my best. I heard that taking tests is easy if you listen to music, because you already know all of the facts and answers somehow. If you just believe."
Ella: "That doesn't sound completely right! But good luck!"
RADLEY
This is my favorite part! Hanna checks Caleb at the gate and heads inside to see Mona, who is just sitting there, you know, and without asking a single question she just sits down and takes out her makeup kit. Isn't that so great? Isn't that so Hanna? It's so Hanna, and it's so very Mona, and then too it's so Hanna to know that it's so Mona. You know? Just effortless. Beautiful, loving, compassionate, insightful, wise. They do Hanna so right on this show, I love it.
COFFEE
Toby: "Here are some weird bottles."
Spencer: "Why are you giving me this?"
Toby: "I stole them from my blind sister. They're for her blindness. So I stole them."
Spencer: "Don't you think she'll need them?"
Toby: "Not if she's not blind, she won't."
Spencer: "Are you saying she's not blind? Because I leapt to that same awesomely bizarre assumption the other day. We are so in sync."
Toby: "Or your crazy is catching."
FLASHBACK
Emily was in a car That Night. Remember? How she remembered that cars exist and thought that was a clue? Well, it was. Because somebody was driving that car. Somebody that put back the ragtop, and put a headband in her hair, and wasn't wearing sunglasses at all, even though it was nighttime, because she was not blind!
EXAM
Emily: "Oh my God, an actual memory! My second one ever! I have to go!"
Ella: "Where you gonna finish your test, or..."
Emily: "You don't understand! I was in a car one time!"
Ella: "Sweetie, you should sit down and..."
Emily: "No, I'm done! This is all the test-taking I can do today!"
Ella: "Hmm. I think that Emily is on drugs maybe. And not the HGH kind, like the regular kind. Like the kind Jason DeLaurentiis used to do. I wonder if I should inquire further, or ask if she needs help. No, you know what? I'm just going to answer all the questions for her, and that way she'll pass. That girl is a basket case."
TALON
Meredith: "Aria, so pleasant to see you. Want to sit?"
Aria: "I do not want to sit."
Meredith: "Well, I'm not getting up, so..."
Aria: "Fine. I shall sit. And say that I am sorry about trashing Byron's office literal years ago. Sorry if that caused any bumps or roadblocks in your extramarital affair with my father that fucked me up so bad I'm dating Ezra Fitz."
Meredith: "That doesn't sound very sincere, Aria."
Aria: "Apparently I'm the bad guy here. So... Sorry."
Meredith: "You know, that was a really bad twenty minutes I spent crying to my roommate in the dorms, after you father called me a stalker on the phone and called off our gross romance. I nearly missed Intro to Jazz & Tap that day, I was so distraught. I don't know if forgiveness is really forthcoming."
Aria: "I don't know if me giving a shit is forthcoming. I did what I came here to do. Oh, and here's your earring. It came from a coffin. I'll give you the other one when my team of stalkers leaves it somewhere for me to find when I least expect it, which should happen relatively soon from what I've noticed."
Meredith: "Uh, that's not my earring."
Aria: "No? You know, sometimes I get the feeling that Alison did not always have my best interests at heart."
JAIL
Spencer: "I'm here to see Garrett Reynolds like always."
Jail Person: "Wait over there, he's with his lawyer."
Veronica: "Hey, I just got out of meeting with my new client, Garrett Reynolds. Can you give me a list of people who have visited people in this jail, ever? I want to count how many times my daughter Spencer is on it, and then give her sister Melissa precisely that many hugs and kisses while staring Spencer in the eyes with a cold and hateful look."
RADLEY
Wren: "Oi, blimey mate, Oi'm Doctor Wren Kingston. You must be 'anna's werewolf swain. Pleased to make your acquaintance!"
Caleb: "Are you a leprechaun, or...?"
Wren: "Ta, but no. Merely a friend with an interest in your girlfriend and the hotness and authority to make it happen. She's been visiting me and Mona here, about every five minutes, since she first started lying to you about it. I'm walking her through what's called ambiguous loss."
Caleb: "...And that would three. Man, that girl lies all the time."
JAIL
Spencer, making absolutely sure her name will be on that list in the morning when Veronica comes to get it, blithely comes in to yell at Garrett some more. He fixes her with his best face, which is like if Mona Lisa played rugby. Like he has infinite secrets. Which of course he does, because the motherfucker never says anything.
Spencer: "Why can Jenna see? And why is my mother your lawyer?"
Garrett: "She just is. I have to go."
Spencer: "Why did you even come out and talk to me?"
Garrett: "I just did. Bye."
Spencer: "Why are you like this?"
RADLEY
Hanna: "Mona, you look lovely. This is the face of a person who is going to say some shit to me now. See yourself in the mirror? Pretend your mouth is open and words are coming out."
Mona: (Unresponsive.)
Hanna: "Mona, I didn't come here to play beauty shop. I came here because I know there is a person still in there. I know you've been hurt, but so have I. And I still am. Trust me, you're not the first person to hurt me, Mona. And you're certainly not the last."
Mona: "Huh. So you're getting them again? The texts?"
Hanna: "Wha?"
Caleb: "Visiting hours are from 2:17 to 9:35 PM, at this particular mental hospital. Time to go!"
Hanna: "But the craziest thing just happened! Mona, are you in there? Are you talking about the A-Team? Mona answer me. Answer me, Mona."
Caleb: "Did you just... Imagine she was talking to you?"
Hanna: "No! It was quite real! Mona, I am coming back to see you, okay?"
Mona: (Unresponsive.)
Hanna: "Good one. That was a pretty good one, you old so-and-so."
And then the second she's gone, Mona pulls out some pilfered tweezers and stabs them slowly into her finger until it starts bleeding, because this show is fantastic.
ELLA
Ezra: "Knock knock. Like what you've done with my classroom. Are you teaching them other things besides To Kill a Mockingbird? I applaud your vision. Can we talk?"
Ella: "As long as it's not about Aria, freak."
Ezra: "No, it's about Emily..."
Ella: "Oh, for Christ's sake. Even the gay one now?"
Ezra: "I've been tutoring her, and..."
Ella: "Well that's ludicrous. But it explains where the 'if I just wish hard enough' bullshit came from, considering that's been Aria's entire plan of attack for convincing us about your relationship."
Ezra: "Anyway, I've been helping her with these exams, you know, and..."
Ella: "Spit it out, Fitz. Why are you here."
Ezra: "I think she might fail her exams due to being an alcoholic basket case surrounded by ghosts and predators, and I was just wondering."
Ella: "I can't believe you came within fifty yards of a high school to ask this, so I guess you really mean it. She did fine."
Ezra: "But like if you'd just let her retake it again..."
This is my second favorite part of the episode. You got your HMC on full blast, making every word of this bit work overtime to let us know that she's letting him know what's going on, like in secret code she is telling him she cheated for Emily, but that she still isn't giving him the green light just because of dinner, but that he deserves a little reward for being such a kind and concerned former teacher, and pardon me but meanwhile I've got a whole divorce I'm dealing with, so any attempts to kiss my ass are not going to land because your drama does not compare to my drama right now, and just ... all these things at once. Just that ambiguity of, "Don't get too comfortable." So good.
Ella, verbatim: "There's no need for her to take it again, Ezra. I understand what she's gone through. Emily did very well. We're all rooting for her to succeed."
Ezra, like an hour later: "...Wait. Whoa, did she just tell me she cheated for Emily? That's freakin' awesome, actually. I really wish I hadn't ruined our friendship by fucking her child, because that Ella Montgomery is the absolute best."
BATHRM
Aria: "So she knew the text messages were going to come back into play. That's reason enough to go back there and go full Spencer. Just give 'er the Reid Technique until she spills, or you have to escalate to violence..."
Hanna: "I mean, it's dicey. Caleb and I are in a really weird place right now..."
Spencer: "You know who else is in a really weird place? The thousand spies of A that can probably hear this conversation. Pull it together."
Liars: "Meanwhile, why is your mom hanging out with Garrett Reynolds?"
Emily: "...Oh shit, I totally forgot to tell you guys, but I remember who abducted me That Night. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing lately, sorry."
Liars: "Way to bury the lede, Ems. So who was it?"
Emily: "It was Jenna!"
Liars: "It was Jenna driving the car? And drugged you? And kidnapped you? And dug up Alison's grave? And left you there? Jenna Thing, Blind Jenna Thing, did all that?"
Emily: "I remember it quite clearly!"
Aria: "Like, we love you. On the other hand, you kept calling me 'Arlene' for the rest of the night. So I mean..."
Emily: "I will prove that she's on the A-Team!"
Jenna, outside: "SORRY FOR BUMPING INTO YOU, I'M JUST REALLY BLIND TODAY! AND THIRSTY! I AM GOING TO GO IN THIS BATHROOM RIGHT HERE AND REFILL MY WATER BOTTLE! NICE TALKING TO YOU TOO!"
Liars: "I think she's going to come in here and refill her water bottle. Scatter!"
Spencer: "But first, I'm going to put this earring on the sink ledge. As we all know, people that aren't blind anymore cannot resist picking up earrings and looking at them. It is a foolproof plan."
Jenna, immediately: "What is this, an earring? I better take a closer look."
The Liars all freak out. It truly was a foolproof plan! Blind girls are like magpies or earring collectors, they can't keep from picking up any shiny old earring. It's hardwired, like salmon returning to their birthplace, or the famous migration of the Kenyan wildebeest.
Hanna: "I am going to do so much more than slap her this time..."
Spencer: "Wait."
Aria: "No, I'm down. Bitch can see! We gotta tell everybody! So they'll finally hate her as much as we do."
Spencer, spookily: "She doesn't know that we know. We don't let her know that we know. Not yet. We can use this. And we will."
Oh, Spencer. How can you say something so utterly devoid of meaning, and yet make it sound like you're going to see her choke on those damned eyeballs if it's the last thing you do? Like who could forget, "My sister and I used to play hide and seek, and you know who always won? It was me." Means nothing, means everything.
A-TAG
A buys a variety of sports gear, in different sizes, including black hoodies aplenty, and the guy is like, "What are you, buying these for a whole team?" Because yes, that is what's happening. And that is, in turn, excellent.
WEEK
Noel Kahn asks Aria to be his accompanist. Conflict! But just as she realizes she's got to make a serious choice, Meredith enters the talent show too! In the end, Aria selflessly relinquishes her global hold on photography and takes up the gentle art of accompanying, for the good of all. It is the art world's loss, but accompaniment's gain. Emily and Ezra accidentally get arrested robbing a bank to pay for Ezra's sex change surgery, but it's really just an elaborate A setup and they were there for the free donuts. Oh, that mischievous A. Alison visits Mona in the hospital and Mona pokes her with tweezers, but she's really just a ghost. Lucas, not to be outdone, joins Caleb and Wren at the door whenever Hanna's in there giving Crazy makeup tips. And in a thrilling return to form, Paige appears with a third haircut, still wearing her Montague getup, and whisks Emily away on a white horse for a night of fine dining, light canoodling, and the nap Emily has desperately needed since Labor Day two years ago.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing -- at least, until Monday -- Bunheads, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and novelette "The Commonplace Book" will appear on Tor.com in October 2012.