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Mrs. DiLaurentis is back in town, getting yelled at by Spencer's dad for a Jason Thing or Jason-Related Thing. All we know by the end of the episode is that Mrs. D was responsible for keeping Jason out of Rosewood, didn't, and that Spencer's dad does not want her hanging around with Jason.*
Which is probably best, because even after Aria tries some wacky mind games on him he still can't remember the day his sister Alison died. What he can remember, still, is how cute her pink hair-stripes looked when she was even younger of a child than she is now. One thing Aria can't seem to remember is how she has a boyfriend named Ezra Fitz, which helps explain her total fascination with Jason D.
*(That's basically Spencer's whole deal this week, although she logs some obligatory cuteness time with Toby and nearly murders Mona.)
Mrs. D drunkenly gives girls these four dresses that used to belong to the dead girl so they can wear them in the big fashion show; Hanna, of course, points out how insane that is immediately, but they all go through with it as a sort of tribute. This scene with Mrs. DiLaurentis is probably the best scene, but then you see the insane clothes of the fashion show and you're like, maybe not. (If Jenna were in the fashion show that would obviously have been the most amazing part, but she was probably busy potting.)
Emily meets Samara's bestie, America's Top Quinn Or Something, who has annoying hair and whatever else is necessary to push Emily one glacial centimeter more into Samara's arms. On the homefront, Pam and Ashley decide that Emily can come live in the marvelous Marin house until school's out, so that Mrs. Fields can go make Texas cookies with her serviceman and not be so sad all the time. Love how felonious Ashley Marin is now the go-to parent for everybody in town.
Hanna is still having trouble making up with Caleb, which even the other Liars find bizarre at this point, but spends most of the episode focusing her laser insight on Dad, who actually admits that he's still in love with Ashley or something and that's why he's hanging around. Ashley works that shit like a pro, of course, but it's her secret grins whenever Hanna bitches her dad out for leaving that make her this week's winner.
I guess the big fashion show used to be Spencer's thing but is now Mona's thing because of Spencer constantly getting stalked and murdered and/or murdering and stalking others. Mona hires Noel Kahn as the DJ, so he shows up: The moment you can be absolutely sure something fucked up is about to happen. And oh, it does.
The clothes are pretty awesome, honestly -- some Rodarte-looking princess stuff, some Aria goth stuff, some Spencer prairie stuff, all of it excellent -- and the ladies have been styled to hell and back so there's a lot of gorgeous to look at, and but then all of a sudden some punk girl is screaming THE BITCH IS BAAAAACK and there's pictures of Alison everywhere, devil eyeballs strobing, burning in hellfire, Perez'd all over with words like BITCH and MONSTER and other true things about Alison.
Luckily, this happens in front of all of their parents and clearly freaks the Liars, so it's the first thing in history they aren't blamed for, which is sad because it's probably the coolest thing that ever happened in this town. So they all go home and have sweet convos with their sweet parents and move the plot forward toward week, when everything flips over because we're at the halfway point. So it is that in the end, everybody is pretty much chill. Like even the A-Tag goes:
A orders some boots online. The end.
(They're the brown leather Tory Burches Therapist Anne was wearing that Hanna wouldn't shut up about -- obviously there is a point; obviously the second you see the boots onscreen you can assume it's about that, and probably about framing Hanna some more in the process -- but it's still hilarious to watch A buy them, in her leisurely-yet-menacing way, on the generic Website Page of Boots For Sale.)
week: Ezra slaps Jason with a glove and challenges him to a naked wrestling match for Aria, because he has discovered DH Laurence and now has heard of two authors; this starts out looking pretty good for Aria, but that not last for long. Spencer and Jason cure each other's amnesia when they accidentally touch hands during a game of shirtless hoops, but it still answers zero questions. Also they switch bodies. Noel Kahn and Mona Vanderwaal go all V For Vendetta after being approached by media anarchists about their part in the Fashion Nightmare. Meanwhile, Spencer's mom and Alison's mom get so drunk they end up in a fountain, and Emily and Hanna build a pillow fort upstairs.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Pretty Previously, Ian's dead body didn't actually commit suicide and confess to Alison's murder, which Spencer was like That's so typical, and we found out that Alison didn't even die anyway. At least during her sex tape. Which is also so very typical.
Pretty Presently, the Liars are folding flyers for the big Rosewood fashion show that they hold for no reason, and talking about serial killers and suicide and pedophiles and fashion tips and boy problems like they're all of equal value.
Liars: "What even happened on this show, or ever happens on this show?"
Spencer: "I hate how Ian didn't strangle her. Remember when Ian tried to murder me in that bell tower because Alison left us his stalker tapes in the form of a lunchbox that you could only find by accessing a secret compartment in a snow globe? Remember? I bet he somehow still killed her sometime after that tape shows he didn't kill her."
Liars: (Sigh.)
Hanna: "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains -- no matter how improbable -- must be the truth. It is my belief that A killed our friend and is now impersonating her ghost."
Liars: (Stare at each other for like one hot second about the seemingly instant and fascinating truth about this, but then rather than exploring it they abruptly change the subject to their provisional love lives.)
Liars: "So, did you invite [Ezra/Caleb/Samara/Toby] to the show?"
Corresponding Liars: "[You mean Jason/not dating him/of course/of course]."
Hanna: "I am not dating Caleb. Even when we kissed, I wore the wrong gloss. Wet look."
Emily: "Ew, did his long silky werewolf hair get stuck on it? I know about that from dating girls all the time."
Aria, glumly: "...Me too, from Fitz. Jason's not like that, his way-girly face and long surfer hair notwithstanding."
Spencer: "Stop with the yammering and fold. Mona Vanderwaal is already up my A trying to take this fashion committee away from me. You can only answer texts if they are from Ezra, because now I believe in love."
Liars: "Ooooooooo!"
Spencer, verbatim: "I was always a romantic. Under a thin veneer of pragmatism. And a few shockingly bad choices."
Aria: "I'm going to pretend this text was from Ezra, but really it's from Jason DiLaurentis, whose badboy convertible is waiting downstairs so he can stare at me with such intensity you might barf just from the stress. I am drawn to him like a moth to a flame for reasons I myself cannot fathom."
Liars: "Good thing we're so immune that the second you said Ezra all our brains switched off!"
OUTSIDE
Jason: "Hey, remember how I told you I probably killed Alison during a 24-hour fugue state? Can that be our little secret?"
Aria: "You vastly overestimate my ability to give a shit about your personal deal."
Jason: "My mom is coming into town, FYI. She might ask you to do some weird things, like put on Alison's old clothes and pretend to be her."
Aria: "What makes you think that?"
Jason: "I would rather not talk about it."
(He stares at her for one million years trying to turn strands of her hair bright pink through the power of thought alone.)
THAT MARVELOUSLY MADCAP MARIN MANSION
Hanna's Parents: "Let's just drink all the time and pretend we're still married!"
Hanna: "I am not having it!"
Hanna's Dad: "Oh, honey. Let's just have martinis and dinner and fuck with your head."
Hanna: "Why don't you go have dinner with your other family, bigamist?"
Hanna's Mom, for pretend: "Hanna! Be nice."
Hanna's Mom in reality: "Hanna! Keep doing this! It is amazing!"
HASTINGS HOUSE OF HORRORS ON THE HALF-SHELL
Spencer: "That was some good kissing!"
Toby: "Anyway, I'm barely in this episode."
Her dad, downstairs on the phone: "How could you let Jason DiLaurentis move back to town? I am so mad about this!"
Spencer: "What are you so mad about?"
Dad: "Nothing. Um, [huge obvious lie]. Melissa took all of our salty snacks with her to the spa, huh? You should have gone to the spa."
Spencer: "How I work is, relaxation is the opposite for me from how normal people are."
*69, once Dad is gone: "This is Alison's crazy drunk mom. If you are calling about a vast conspiracy of adults regarding my daughter's disappearance, press one. If you are calling about the time we all murdered Fred Krueger, press two. If you are calling about the time I abducted and ate the Lindbergh baby, press three. If you are calling to find out where the fuck Noel Kahn is, press four..."
FIELDS FAMILY FOMA
Mom: "Let's talk about our sex life really loud on the phone outside my daughter's bedroom."
Emily: (That face she makes.)
Mom: "Sorry. I just really miss your dad. Part of being a clueless and unreconstructed non-feminist is that without a man in my life I wither and die and piss myself. I wanted that so badly for you."
Emily: "You know what, go to Texas. Fuck it. I can take care of myself, and you're bumming me out."
Mom: "I am from another generation."
Emily: "Whatever it is, it is gross. Go to Texas."
HASTINGS IN THE AM
Spencer: "He was yelling at Alison's mom so bad!"
Aria: "I'm interested but only because you mentioned Jason in this story."
Spencer: "Here, have a quart of black coffee."
Aria: "I'm pretentious, but this is a lot of coffee."
Spencer: "So then he lied! To my face! Can you imagine that, somebody in my family lying right to my face."
Aria: "Let's not judge Jason too harshly. He's got a lot going on in his life, like possibly killing our friend and having secret people in his house and maybe multiple personalities and possibly he dresses up like his dead sister."
Spencer: "Are you totally in love with Jason DiLaurentis now?"
Aria: "I'm glad you asked. Things are really complic..."
Spencer: "-- Email from Jason's mom. Oh, shit."
DRUNK LUNCH WITH MRS. D
Alison's mom is so pretty. Remember that show Less Than Perfect? She was always my favorite part of that show, that wonderful show. We were so much more innocent back then! Sara Rue was all fat and sexy, and Sherri Shepherd hadn't even begun to lose her goddamn mind, and now look at us. Look at Andy Dick. Look at Zachary Levi. Time keeps on slippin'. Anyway, now Alison's mom is crazy drunk.
Mom: "Hanna? What are you going to order?"
Hanna: "Um, salad."
Mom: "Ali would be proud of you. Ya fat-ass."
Aria: "So you must be glad Jason's back, huh? I know I am!"
Nobody: (Cares, still. Aria, try harder! Drop even more hints!)
Mom: "I hate that house, I hate my son, I don't care about anything. He is a druggie with mysterious 'family' money that he used to rebuy the wreckage of my former life. And meanwhile my disgusting twit of a monster daughter is dead, dead, dead."
She slurps a fourth Bloody Mary down in one effortless gulp, and then passes out boxes to all four girls containing couture dresses that Alison never had a chance to wear due to getting fucked on camera, and then murdered, in the great outdoors.
Flashback: Alison tries on all of these dresses, flirts with Emily, is a bitch to Spencer, overlooks Aria, and calls Hanna fat. If you've seen one single flashback, it's exactly like that.
Mom: "I want you guys to put on these dresses and march around for my sick pleasure in the public arena. Things have gone from bad to worse in the old noggin."
Hanna: "That is fucking fucked up. Look, pretend this chair is Alison and you can say whatever..."
Mom: "Therapy Anne, huh? Not even she can help me. Only Bloody Mary can save me now."
Hanna, once Mom bounces to see a man about a horse: "No. No way."
Liars: "It's not like she actually wore them. It's not like she was wearing them when she died. They're just dresses. We're going to be in a fashion show anyway."
Hanna: "These are all perfectly valid things in and of themselves, but it's still freaky and weird and fuck this."
Mom: "I'm back and sadder than ever. Oh, and the board has already signed off so there's no backing out."
God I love this show. What board is this, exactly? Just The Board. Just the specific group of people you call up drunkenly at noon whenever you're a Rosewood mover and shaker who needs to get approval for girls to wear outfits. That Board.
Spencer: "I'll tell the committee. About how we're wearing dresses now, in this fashion show."
Liars: Long conversation about how they are going to have pictures of Alison projecting on the wall while they wear her outfits, like a tribute, because what Rosewood needs to do is take just a moment out of the hustle and bustle of daily life to remember the death of Alison DiLaurentis that they are constantly discussing and thinking about and mentioning and obsessing over.
Liars: "Do we have to pass the pictures by her mom make sure she's okay with the ones we choose?"
(No reason to reproduce that line, it just sounded super weird and I thought maybe it was an intensely regional way to get that concept across. Like how on Secret Life and before that 7th Heaven the people always get put "on restriction," instead of grounded, and it makes you feel like you're watching secretly Canadian television.)
Aria, jumping at her chance: "I'll pass them by Jason! I volunteer!"
FASHION ADVENTURE TIME
Mona: "Hey Spencer, thanks for folding all those programs but we got a whole new set mocked up and done while you were stapling and folding."
Spencer: "Why did you do this?"
Mona: "Because you like folding and stapling?"
Spencer: "That's true, it is a favorite activity. But I feel like you are mutinying."
Mona: "Oh, I am the head of the committee now. That already happened."
Spencer: "Where was I?"
Mona: "Um, persecuting your sister's husband, discovering his corpse, being accused of stalking and murder and four-way hysterical craziness, going to jail, going to therapy, dating Boo Radley, stealing wedding rings, hanging out at pawn shops, driving trucks around looking sexy, blackmailing pedophiles, staking out motel rooms, being essentially parentless, and abusing your sister's fragile mind?"
Spencer: "Valid."
Mona: "Also, Noel Kahn is our DJ now. You probably knew that from the thrilling feeling you just felt when he walked in."
Noel Kahn: Sparkles at Spencer in that sketchy way you already knew he would.
HEMMING & HAWING
Samara: "So, this dress I'm altering looks really good on you. You can barely tell it belongs to a dead girl."
Emily: "I am either the most oblivious or the most devious girl in the universe, but either way I'm going to change out of this dress right in front of you while fake Ladytron plays in the background. This will stir up such strong lesbianism in you that possibly we will kiss or something insane like that."
Samara: "Nope, I'm good."
ELLA MONTGOMERY!
Ella: "No, Hanna's right and this is way fucked up. Do you want me to call drunk old Jessica and tell her so?"
Aria: "No, I don't really care one way or the other. I need some advice, though."
Ella: (Is excited to be giving Aria her first advice.)
Aria: "Do you believe that a person can be in a 24-hour fugue state and maybe kill their sister but not remember it and then a ghost ninja stalker killer can impersonate the dead person and send texts?"
Ella: "No, but crazy is a thing. This sounds intense. I better not probe deeper."
Aria: "Fine. I'm asking you about boys and you're just being..."
Ella: "This was a question about boys? Are you dumping Fitz for Jason? Do you not remember his half-naked hipster body?"
Aria: "My friends think it's convenient that he can't remember where he was or what he did."
Ella: "Well, sometimes people file things away until they're ready to deal with them. Time can heal, and something shakes a memory loose. But if you force it, they could snap and go on a murder spree, so really it's best to let the mind take care of this kind of thing on its own. In rare cases possibly a trained professional might help, but that would really be up to them. Does that answer your question?"
Aria: "What you're saying is, I should tie him to a chair and Clockwork Orange him into looking at pictures of his murdered sister until he loses his mind forever. Got it."
MARIN MARIN REVOLUTION
Somehow, even the clichéd "teen girl dances around when she's alone" thing works when it's Hanna. I mean, everybody in real life does actually do that, but I feel like putting it on TV is now a little easy and on the nose. Unless it's Hanna. I wish there was a TV show called Hanna's Move! where you just watch her dance around the kitchen and try to guess what song she's listening to.
Dad: (Lets himself in; allows himself to watch the total cuteness of Hanna dancing around in the kitchen. Of course she spots him and of course she turns into a snarling beast, but not quite for the abandonment-issue reasons you might have expected.)
Dad: "Your mom's going to be late, between robbing banks and screwing cops, so I brought you Thai food for dinner."
Hanna: "Shit on your dinner. Why are you still in town pretending we have a relationship when really it's because you're still in love with mom?"
Dad: "Wish fulfillment is a dangerous thing."
Hanna: "See, I don't really give a shit what you do, because I am 100% over it, and this isn't wish fulfillment. This is me, being grossed out that you're pretending it's about me."
Dad: "Everything just got too real. The New Hanna is a spiritual x-ray machine and nobody can handle it. In fact, it's up to you if I even come to this fashion show, and that's only if you calm down and only if you mom is there and only if she's going to get drunk and snake her hand down my pants at some point."
Hanna: (Interrogates dinner, homework; ignores Caleb's existence; tries to dance herself back to joy but alas, the levee is dry, the Chevy will not make it.)
DROOGIE HOWSER, PHD
Aria's obnoxious and dangerous plan to provide Jason with a psychological breakthrough proceeds apace.
Aria: "Jason, what do you think about this picture on my ridiculous gothic laptop?"
Jason: "My dead sister looks pretty."
Aria: "And this one?"
Jason: "See above."
Aria: "What about this one?"
Jason: "That doesn't look too familiar."
Aria: "It's from the day that Alison got back from what she said was your grandmother's house in Hilton Head mere hours before the party in Spencer's barn from which Alison was abducted after a fight and then she talked to Toby Cavanaugh about sweaters and then she got a ride to the Kissing Rock, where Ian went down on her and didn't kill her, and then...?"
Jason: "Wait, what's happening here?"
Aria, swinging a feather back and forth: "Annnnd thennnnn?"
Jason, unfriending her mentally: "Um, this is gross and classless. I gotta go."
RUNTHRU
Mona: "HOLD! Becky! I told you no flats. I need to see you walk in heels. Or have you forgotten why we're even fucking here, you halfwit?"
Spencer: "Chill, Mona."
Mona: "RESET!"
Spencer: "Jesus. I'm out."
Hanna: "Okay, on reflection I feel bad about yelling at my dad. Let's give him a ticket to the fashion show."
Aria: "What about Caleb?"
Hanna: "Enough with the Caleb! That is not the thrust of my plot this week!"
Mona: "Aria Montgomery! Less talking more walking! Are your legs always that short?"
BACKSTAGE
Spencer: "Mona is five feet of insidious snark with a side ponytail and I just... I wanna grab it! And I wanna yank it! Really really hard!"
Toby, even though this is adorable: "Spence, she stepped up. While you dealt with some pretty big things. Things that were way out of your control. But maybe we should both enjoy the fact that those pretty big things are over. We can both take a breath."
Spencer: "I don't really know what you're talking about, but I can take on faith that chilling out is a thing that people do."
SHOWTIME:
Samara: "Emily, here's your dress. Oh, and here is a girl who is clearly my girlfriend."
Emily: "Which is weird, because we're dating."
Hanna, verbatim: "How come I have no date, and you have a date who brought a date?"
Quinn: "Anyway, I'm the fuckin' worst. Later!"
Who Looks Amazing: Everybody, but especially Ashley Marin and Mona, who is wearing these cute glasses in order to more fully focus her amazing bitch powers. All the moms are at one table, because we're supposed to believe the moms of the Liars ever, ever got along. On the other hand, they are drunk, so maybe that's how.
Pam: "...So now I just need to unload my kid."
Ashley: "I run a gypsy camp in my gorgeous home, maybe we can work something out. Tell me, how does Emily feel about living in a basement?"
Pam: "This is workable."
Ashley, slugging back that wine like she's home and it's 2:00 in the afternoon: "Let me tell you, Sistagirl, there is nothing better than the sweet anticipation of fucking your husband after you thought it was all over and he'd moved onto another woman named Isabel for example."
Pam: "Our friendship is... Unlikely at best."
Toby shows up wearing a suit, it's kind of cute. Mona does more of her stuff and sends Spencer over to Noel Kahn with the tribute CD that will obviously be going somehow terribly wrong thanks to A. Whatever keeps Noel Kahn happening.
Spencer's Dad Peter: "Jessica DiLaurentis! Sketchy things! At top volume! Inches from Spencer who Must Not Know what we are talking about!"
Alison's Mom Jessica: "Peter Hastings! Guilt and mumbles!"
Spencer: "I just don't know what to think! But apparently there's a connection between Jason and myself that involves our parents and his return to Rosewood. I'm sure I can figure out a way to blame Ian if you give me a minute. And Noel Kahn stops smiling creepily at me."
Aria: "Emily, are you okay?"
Emily: "Rassin'-frassin'... I'll tell you what, if I don't get to the bottom of this Samara stuff I'll go insane. I've already had two girlfriends abruptly disappear in the middle of their storylines. I cannot take much fuckin' more of this, not when I've got college admissions fraud and a serial killer on my plate too. There's only so much Emily to go around."
Hanna: "I'm fucking bored. I'm going to go steal some champagne like Summer Roberts in this same episode."
(Her parents -- Ashley in a gorgeous red satin number -- act all romantic but above-board but really they are totally still in love and Ashley is playing a long con to get her husband back using her daughter's emotional distress that will ultimately fail in some way, presumably. I'm just tired of waiting for Hanna to have a bitch stepsister, that's always seemed like the most exciting thing you could see, because Hanna is so good at ignoring stuff that putting a big dumb sister in her face would be amazing. Anyway, Hanna sees them dancing together in secret, near the bar of course, and on the one hand she feels vindicated in her holy rage but on the other hand, wouldn't it be cool?)
EXPLANATION
"The Eighth Annual Rosewood High Charity Fashion Show is about to begin. Each year local leaders choose a charity and plan their very own fundraising fashion show. And each year the city of Rosewood turns out to support our youth as they give us their time, energy and enthusiasm... lessons in generosity... Please give a warm welcome to Mrs. Jessica DiLaurentis..."
...Nope, still not clear on what we're doing here, but whatever.
Samara: "You look pretty."
Emily: "THEN WHY ARE YOU MARRYING ANOTHER WOMAN."
Samara: "Just kidding, she's my longtime BFF but we're not dating. I'm with you!"
Emily: "Sometimes being a teenager means instant paranoia."
Samara: "Sometimes being a lesbian means feelings. I get it. I get it."
Emily: "So that's a yes, then. We are in love?"
Mona: "-- LAST LOOKS, PEOPLE!"
Aria: "Hanna, a word?"
Hanna: "A word, Aria? Or many words."
Aria: "I've been up your ass about Caleb all episode, not that Jacob saw fit to recap it because it's just shoehorned in to cover the fact that I'm not talking about boys this week so I'm talking about yours instead, but anyway Caleb is here and looking fine. I command you to go back out with him."
Hanna: "...Fine."
Jason's Ridiculous Face: "Just so you know, I'm still mad at you."
FASHION SHOW, PART ONE: REGULAR STYLE FASHION SHOW
Be prepared, moving forward, because the fashion show is like half the episode. Which is funny, because nobody's really getting product-placed here -- besides Tresemmé, hilariously: There's one part where Aria is cleaning up her makeup table and there's literally every single Tresemmé product, like she fills up both her arms like it's Supermarket Sweep and there are still Tresemmé products she has to leave behind. Just this Terracotta Army of product, rank and file extending to the horizon -- so we're just looking at clothes and having to be like, "That's cute, I would buy that!" and then a second later, "Oh right, but this show is a fantasy."
If they told us the designers, I didn't notice it, but anyway it's just weird and I think about it every time there's a fashion show on TV, like, even if one of the characters is actually a fashion designer, the clothes are still not actually designed by this fictional person. You know what I mean? Without credit, what even is the point of a fashion show? One of the many reasons The Real Housewives of New Jersey is even sadder than it should be is when they have fashion shows for that one place at that one venue and it's like, "You guys buy all your clothes at that one store anyway, even Danielle used to shop there, and we know you're not giving shit to charity, so like what are we even doing?".
(The dialogue that ended up in the close captioning is just fucking stellar for this part: "Hanna! You look great, Aria! Do it, Hanna! And Aria! Spence, looking good! There you go, Spence! Nice, baby! Let's go, Emily! All right, Spencer! Looking gorgeous, Emily! I love you, Aria! Work it, Hanna!" Doesn't that sound like an episode of Jem or something? Not to mention the one song that plays through the entire fashion show -- thanks, DJ Noel Kahn! -- that is surprisingly enough mostly about the word "fashion.")
Round One: Resort, or what I like to call A Chico's Kind Of Day. Aria is wearing a giant floppy hat and old lady jewelry with her voluminous one-piece pullover dress-slash-poncho, while Hanna is wearing a headband and an Elfquesty-looking shirt-dress that would come down to about the bottom of a granny panty if this weren't resort, and ankle booties. Emily is wearing a normal dress to show off her insane body, an ugly necklace and cheap-looking piping in a lovely indigo, while Spencer is wearing hardcore shades, an even floppier hat, six belts, an upside-down jacket, and the most intense face. She looks a little like the villainess from The Chipmunk Adventure, is the effect. Finally, Mona is awesome in a monochrome romper, Noel Kahn is awesome, and some other girls also exist.
Round Two: French Prairie Nightmares. Obviously if Jean Paul Gaultier and the girls from Rodarte were characters on this show, the first thing that would happen is he would molest them: That's what the clothes are like. Like the kind of Dead French Whore clothes Jenna Cavanaugh wears to seduce her brother and/or Garrett the cop. Aria's wearing a giant purple satin pirate shirt and black boa, and does hilarious fashion moves, while Spencer is dressed like Heidi as a black leather dominatrix, and both of them have hair teased up to the heavens, and I think Aria smacks Spencer's ass at one point. Then you got Emily wearing a capelet and visible bra under a sheer Mona top and Aria gloves, and Hanna in an insane black feather shrug and a teal/white princess dress, and once again Mona selling the shit out of it. Basically this is the part where everybody dresses like Aria and Spencer naturally do on any given day.
Round Three: In honor of dead Alison DiLaurentis, where the girls put on her dead girl clothes and look super strange and uptight about it. Emily's body comes out to play once again, Spencer has dead-person makeup to compliment the look and they all still look gorgeous while sad guitar rock plays... And then BOOM! A strikes again!
The sweet pictures of Alison turn demonic, with her eyeballs strobing like a demon, and everything catches on fire, and the music is all pop-up guerilla warfare about THE BITCH IS BACK and the pictures start having words like BITCH and MONSTER on them and the lights all turn red and scary and everybody in the audience flips out and thinks about panicking and the Liars stand there looking crazy for a minute before doing their characteristic actions:
Spencer makes a beeline for Noel Kahn, because she is competent. Emily and Hanna hold hands and wander off backstage as slowly as possible, having lost their minds. Aria stands at the end of the runway looking totally lost and freaked out. And the whole time the music is bad-ass guitar riffs and the scary lights and everybody sort of mooing and milling about and being like, "Every time we try to do something nice for Alison's memory, she comes back from beyond the grave to fuck it up. Maybe we should just stop trying to honor her memory."
Jason and Jessica are like, "We blame you kind of," and Spencer finally unplugs the things that Noel Kahn can't figure out how to unplug, while Aria still just stands on the runway in the red light staring around like she forgot where she is. Maybe she's the person to fall victim to the Rosewood curse where you just suddenly forget what the fuck is going on?
LATER
Spencer: "I called Jessica to apologize on behalf of our stalker, but Jason said she was too upset to talk and I should call back when her handful of pills kicks in."
Liars: "The one time we actually tried to do something positive instead of fucking ourselves over twice as bad as other people do, and whattaya know."
A, on the projection screen: MY DRESSES. MY GAME. MY RULES.
Liars: "This place is lame, I'm over it. Let's amble away as slowly as possible."
Aria: "Cool, just let me go grab every product made by Tresemmé."
BACKSTAGE
Aria rolls up with a shopping cart to get all of her Tresemmé shit home. Aria backs up a four-door extended-cab pickup truck to contain all of her Tresemmé products. Aria enlists the help of The Board to get this amount of Tresemmé back with her in one trip. It's like something out of George's Marvelous Medicine over here. You got sprays, unguents, lotions, dry shampoo, wet shampoo, conditioner, shampoo and conditioner in one, dry scalp, wet scalp, undecided scalp, color damaged, heat damaged, products for limp and damaged hair, products for hair with body volume and manageability, you got a bottle of stuff she doesn't even know what it's for, you got foams and curl reducers and curl plumpers and stuff with SPF and stuff without SPF and you got color-coded systems that your stylist will explain to you and it's all gotta get home somehow.
Noel Kahn: "Hey, did you want that tribute CD that went terribly wrong? Or alternately, is there somebody I can blackmail so you will finally be mine?"
Aria: "No thank you, and no there isn't. I'm between old guys right now. And stop menacing me all alone back here and smiling that way!"
Noel Kahn: "I just want you to know, Jacob, that I miss you too."
Jason: "Noel Kahn, step away from Aria with that demonic CD!"
(Jason DiLaurentis and Noel Kahn are the staringest motherfuckers.)
Aria: "But I thought you hated me because of that time I tried to destroy any hope of your mind coping with tragedy, remember? In the Quad."
Jason, snapping the CD into one million pieces: "Surely one of these Tresemmé products will turn your hair back into the pink-streaked begging-for-attention mess that I used to want to molest, right? After all, it's salon quality product at grocery store prices."
Aria: "Just give me a ride home."
Noel Kahn: "I'll be here, lurking. Lurking in your dreams!"
HOME
Boyfriends/Girlfriends/Parents of Liars: "We don't believe you guys are to blame for this particular thing. This one time. Not like any of us have the wherewithal or pattern recognition to actually notice that this precise shit happens to you guys every single week."
Liars: "We don't want to talk about it, but thank you for your support."
Emily: "Mom, when you and Dad were dating, did he ever date anybody else also?"
Pam: "Dating my ass. You know it was an arranged marriage. Just tell me I can move to Texas, okay? That deal is still on the table?"
Emily: "Sure. But where will I live?"
Pam: "That Ashley Marin seems like a stable individual to me."
Hanna: "What are you doing here, Biological Father? Get out before I call The Board."
Dad: "Hanna, your newfound laser-like intensity and ability to read other people's thoughts like tea leaves has me thinking that maybe I was a little hasty to cheat on your mom and then leave her and then marry another lady."
Hanna: "Wait, so I'm right about something -- like always -- and other people are recognizing it -- like never -- and also you might get back together with mom?"
Dad: "Well, not so fast. We're taking it one drunk handjob at a time."
Hanna: "That used to be my motto!"
Spencer: "Dad, enough. What is the real deal with you and Mrs. DiLaurentis?"
Peter: "Who? I don't know anybody by that name."
Spencer: "I heard you screaming at her on the phone, which you did right in front of me, and then I also saw you manhandling her at the fashion show, which also happened about three inches away from me. Either get better at lying or stop it altogether. Or I'll send you to the booby hatch just like the rest of our family."
Peter: "All you need to know is, Stay away from Jason DiLaurentis."
Spencer: "What I hear you saying is, Stalk the shit out of Jason DiLaurentis."
Aria: "You know what I mean? It's like sometimes I just want to be like, 'Enough with Alison! She died, whatever, it was sad, but get over it!' You know what I mean?"
Jason: "Except for the part where I may have murdered her and can't remember it, and somebody put a note in my wallet that says I did it, I know what you mean. But you can't really blame people for wanting the dark details."
Aria: "That is what I'm calling my memoir. The Dark Details. Everything is so poetic all the time."
Jason: "I just want a cure for my amnesia."
Aria: "Rephrase that in a way that is relevant to me."
Jason: "I don't 100% believe that the dead guy you found killed my sister."
Aria: "This again."
Jason: "So are we going to bone?"
Aria: "Drop me off at my pedophile boyfriend's apar... Second thought, drop me at home. I need to make a list of pros and cons."
Jason: "Chances are we're -door neighbors, knowing this show, so that's cool with me."
A-Tag: A buys Tory Burch boots just like Therapy Anne likes to wear, and hilariously buys them off a site that is as hilariously and determinedly generic as that Website Page website that's so hot with the teens and cyberbullies these days. The music is like so excited about this that you start wondering whether the boots are, I don't know. Haunted.
week: DJ Noel Kahn goes on a whirlwind tour of Europe narrated in first person voiceover and filmed by Roger Avary in a documentary style. Pam finds some reason not to go to Texas after Emily moves to Hanna's; turns out she just wanted to clean the house all day without being bothered by other people and now has her wish. Ashley Marin somehow throws Emily into the mix w/r/t manipulating Hanna's Dad. Mona Vanderwaal, still pissed over the ruination of the fashion show, tracks down A in about five seconds and subjects her to a savage meangirling. Ezra Fitz turns up in a diner somewhere in the Midwest, having contracted Rosewood Syndrome, and Jackie Molina convinces him that they are married and have a baby together, and that baby is: Lucas.