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Aria's still feeling petulant about Jackie Morales's existence, despite Mom Ella moving back into the Montgomery house and Ezra prowling around the place in his PJ bottoms, but eventually she forgives him. He's still working at the school for now, though, so when A steals his diploma and stashes it as a warning to the Liars, it freaks Aria out several ways at once.
Where it gets stashed is Annabeth Gish's office, where the authorities and parents have decided the Liars will finally be getting their much-needed grief counseling. After lots of suspicious back-and-forth, the usual sketchy behavior of the PLLs, and the aforementioned A scheme, Dr. Anne decides that the girls are in over their heads, and suggests they be grounded from each other for the time being. Cue mopey teen-angst montage, of course, because they've never needed each other more.
Melissa's under the impression that her husband is on the run after the girls' blackmail attempt, despite numerous (and classically blunt) attempts by Spencer to disabuse her of this notion. After all, the last time we saw Ian he had been strangled to death in a clock tower. But by episode's end, the girls intercept a text conversation on Melissa's phone that may suggest otherwise.
Caleb and Lucas finally get back to Rosewood, but Hanna's not interested in Caleb's apologies. She runs off to yell at Mona about trashing his last goodbye letter, and guess who Mona's dating now? That's right, NOEL KAHN. Thank God he's back. Sadly, Mona can't even properly enjoy this windfall of fate since she's so upset by Hanna's anger over the letter thing.
Emily's still in danger of moving to Texas, but at least she and Toby are friends again. And although both the Cavanaughs and the Hastingses forbid it, Toby and Spencer are still going strong -- which doesn't seem to bother prickly Jenna quite as much these days, since she's still with her hot cop boyfriend. Things are actually looking pretty good for old Spencer all-around, considering her sister seems A) Honestly concerned for her and B) Willing to actually hear the story of Hilton Head and the clock tower for the first time with an open mind.
In the end, it looks like A might be renting Emily's house once she's gone -- like she's going anywhere -- which will work out nicely since Jason DiLaurentis has apparently bought his old house from Maya's parents. Ian may still be alive, A doesn't want the girls talking to their therapist collectively or separately, and Mona's probably about to do something drastic. Although, given her promise last season to hunkify Lucas as a present to Hanna, that might turn out to be amazing. Since they're not technically allowed to talk to each other for the time being, it might be a good idea to find a few distractions.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Hanna was dating werewolves and nerds, and then the nerds fell in love with the werewolves, and that's the kind of problems Hanna has. Then she beat up a blind girl. Her mom dated fake architects and evil cops, and established a gypsy camp for werewolves. Then Mona Vanderwaal involved herself, and everything went pear-shaped.
Ezra quit his job, the better to hold hands with children. Aria wrote poems about her sleazy dad, usually with feathers dangling from her shit, while Ella just went around being awesome all the time. The delightful Noel Kahn had a bit of a staring problem.
Spencer refused to let a little thing like creepiness/incest keep her from kissing the weird face of Toby Cavanaugh. Her sister is still presumably carrying a devil baby. The mysterious A saved Spencer from Ian, whose corpse ran away per Rosewood tradition.
Emily's maybe moving to Texas, which will undoubtedly send crazy old Paige 'round the bend for good. Maya, her girlfriend, was eaten by Christian wolves, and her home was purchased by Jason DiLaurentis, who will now be played by Sarah Chalke.
As for the mystery of Alison's death and the identity of A, nothing is certain except that Melissa and Ian may have been involved, Ian was stalking the young ladies of Rosewood going way back, and Jenna's been conducting a one-woman Liars Club investigation on all the clues, while dating that young cop guy Garrett. (You can tell him by how he looks exactly like every other guy on this show, but in a cop outfit.)
One thing we know for certain: Alison certainly will not be letting death keep her from being a total bitch.
MOMENTS LATER
Emily: "I am pretty sure Ian is a zombie. That's what the facts suggest."
Hanna: "Not even I am that ridiculous. And I date werewolves."
Jenna's Cop Boyfriend: "Time to go back to the station. We've already prepared your usual rooms."
Aria: "My parents and Ezra and Noel Kahn, though."
Jenna's Cop Boyfriend: "Everybody on this entire show will also be at the station, like usual."
Emily: "Of all the festivals that we hold in Rosewood every single day of the year, this has been the most freaky."
Hanna: "Don't jinx it. Nobody's run me over yet."
But where is Noel Kahn? This is important.
Spencer: "I thought we were going to the police station?"
Garrett: "No, you are going to be murdered execution-style in this warehouse."
Spencer: "I am not okay with that."
Garrett: "It was just a joke. The deal is that my cop car is bugged, here's the serious. I'm glad you still have all your blackmail materials that I helped you with before, but you have to get your stories straight and leave me out of it."
Liars: "That sounds like a good idea. We love lying to the cops, plus it always works out."
Jenna, Even Though She Is Blind: "Staring. It's my main thing."
DEBRIEF
Spencer: "Weird how A killed Ian on my behalf."
Emily: "She is going to come after us with his power, like the Highlander."
Spencer: "She certainly looked like A, with the gloves and hoodie and all. And the killing people."
Aria: "I guess A's not Jenna. I know we've ruled her out like a hundred times, but now..."
Spencer: "Jenna is blind, while A moves like a ninja assassin."
Liars: "Not entirely compelling, but good enough for now."
Emily: "Well maybe we should tell the authorities about A."
Liars: "You say that every single week, and every single week we have to explain to you that A is a magical creature of the night and that is not a police matter. We don't live in Baywatch Nights."
Aria: "Blinder Of Girls is not the kind of reputation I need on my transcripts. It's going to be bad enough when I try to design my own curriculum based on Spoon River or whatever Ezra crap."
Spencer: "I'll make some coffee."
Liars: "Spencer, we've been meaning to talk to you about the coffee that you make. It makes us feel coked up."
Spencer, verbatim: "Amateurs."
It's weird going downstairs at Spencer's house and knowing for sure that Ian's not going to be down there, brutally slicing vegetables with a giant knife or skinning chicken breasts with a lunatic grin or tossing tofu menacingly in a light drizzle of olive oil.
DOWNSTAIRS
The entire cast of parents. All of them. Plus a healthy but random eyebrow guy I don't recognize that I guess is Spencer's dad.
Moms: "Girls, we have to talk about having an intervention because of how you ruined our whole family with your Ian stuff. Spencer's not the only one Of Interest in Alison's death now, plus maybe you killed Ian too. You all have to go to therapy now for grief counseling and Not Killing Ian counseling."
Hanna: "Uh, this is straight-up bullshit."
Spencer: "I can't help feeling like this is about you choosing Melissa over me."
Aria: "So where's Ian then, if he wasn't stalking us and then died and then disappeared?"
Dads: "We're not concerned with that right now. Nobody cares about Ian except you guys."
Toby: "Hey, everybody! Having a good morning? I'd love to talk to Spencer about how we all killed Alison and then we all killed Ian."
Dad: "Toby, now is not a good time. Go fuck your sister or something."
Emily: "Sorry, have we met?"
Toby: "Um, I don't think so."
Spencer: "It's totally appropriate that I throw a minor Capulet fit about this right now."
Liars: "We'll be upstairs, worried equally about the serial murderer in town and the fact that Spencer can't hang out with her boyfriend Boo Radley. Our sense of scale is for shit."
Actually, Marlene King said a funny thing recently about that, which is that yes, they are being stalked from beyond the grave, and every single male on the show is some kind of predator just like in real life, but that doesn't stop them from also worrying about lip gloss and designer fashions and whatever, because actually this is just their world. You know? Like, that's what they have to work with in terms of reality. They're not flipping back and forth between our universe and Rosewood, they live there all the time, so of course they are focused on both kinds of things. I don't know, it made a lot of sense.
CAMP PACKANACK* STAKEOUT
Garrett: "Why's Jason living in Maya's house now? And why is he being played by Sarah Chalke? Maybe he is looking for a secret thing."
Jenna: "Don't mention the secret thing. Creepy ellipses are my other main deal besides staring. Take that away and I'll just be the blind girl with the snowglobes that pulls out the woodwinds whenever it's time to be creepy."
We still haven't seen Jason 2.0, but I'm worried. I was quite fond of the old Jason, with his giant body and his cute badger face and the crazy, crazy way he talked. I don't know if I trust this new Jason. I mean, I'm glad to have Jason in the mix because what's more interesting than Alison's stoner brother who used to hang out with everybody that murdered her, and we'll wait until we see him, but I admit some trepidation.
*(After the original Friday The 13th killing spree, they closed Camp Crystal Lake and opened up Camp Packanack nearby, which is where Jason actually started killing people. We have to call Alison-Maya-Jason's house something, so there you go. Thank you for your time.)
SCHOOL CORRIDOR
Aria is dressed like an X-Men Pirate adventure, except for her '80s geometric midi-skirt and the usual insane earrings (porcupine quills and Navajo beadwork, natch). Her mother is dressed like a person, except for the giant purse which 100 percent of the time signals a lady with problems.
Ella Montgomery: "Aria, after that long weekend of killing and blackmailing and stashing bodies and holding hands with old creepsters, you have the right to take a day off from school. Just don't send me any more sexts."
Aria: "I'm going to go ahead and take the opportunity to bitch at you for leaving dad again, somehow."
Ella: "Yeah, about that. You were kind of right in the horrific deal you pulled last season about shitting or getting off the pot w/r/t ruining our family while still boning your father in secret. I'm moving back in."
Aria, gorgeous smile: "Yeah, that was harsh. But I'm glad it changed your mind."
But where, I'm honestly asking, is Noel Kahn?
FITZ CLASS
On the blackboard is a hangman, complete, with this L _ A R _. (Which, considering we on the outside call them that but inside the show it doesn't mean anything, is weird.) But even for the gruesomely jaded students of Rosewood, that is kind of harsh. Of course, Spencer's freaked but doesn't show it, while Aria just kind of grits her teeth because she doesn't actually give a shit about anybody else. Ezra rushes in wearing a well-tailored lavender number and starts erasing it and then...
I'd know that voice anywhere! Before you see him, there he is! NOEL KAHN!
The Secret is REAL! Wishing is REAL! I wished so hard and it came true!
Noel Kahn: "Need some help with that, Mr. Fitz?"
Everybody, Even The Music & Other Classmates: "Shit yes! Noel Kahn!"
Noel Kahn: Staring! At Aria! It's been so long!
LOCKERS
Mona is wearing some bizarre cage of a knitted/sheer-striped toile number that makes her look like the Hamburglar, which maybe that's a clue. Mona is A! The A of hamburgers!
She takes down some bitches for gossiping and then gets all moony on her One True Love, Hanna Marin. I suppose we're to remember that late last season she pulled some pretty rough shit on Hanna's behalf, sending Caleb off with gypsies and even offering to go Can't Buy Me Love Don't Cost A Thing on old Lucas, just to keep her intact.
(Which please, please let that particular promise keep going. Mona + Hermy the Shim + Makeovers = Instant Magic.)
What they remind me of is like: Your cat obviously loves its cat toy more than anything, and will carry it from room to room like a baby. But then you find it under the couch, with its stuffing guts hanging out, and you're like, Felines Who Love Too Much.
And that's Mona. I believe that she loves Hanna very much, but I also think there's a part of her that wants to rip Hanna's head off and climb inside her body and drive it around like a Robotech.
MARIN GENESIS EVANGELION
Aria: "I still hate Noel Kahn so fucking much for no reason. I wish he was still suspended."
Spencer: "Nobody that awesome should ever be suspended, that's just a punishment for everybody else. Er, I mean, we hate him."
Ezra: "Hello, Student. Let us discuss essays or grades or slide rules."
Aria: "Hello, Instructor. I am discussing those things with my compatriot right now."
Spencer: "You're going to go anyway, so just go. It's fine."
Ezra: "Let me just close the door so we're suspiciously alone in this classroom with tons of curious people walking by outside."
Aria: "Jackie Molina. It doesn't matter than you came back to Season Two even hotter than before, the fact remains that you dated somebody one time and I'm a child and can't handle it."
Ezra: "Are you dumping me? Shall we never hold hands again?"
Aria: "Just, like, hold your other hand until I figure this out."
CAVANAUGH'S HOUSE O' HORRORS
Spencer, characteristically: "Since they precisely told me not to come here, I'm going to go ahead and knock on the door."
Jenna: "I'm staaaaaaring at yooooou."
Spencer: "Hey, is Toby here?"
Jenna: "My parents are Montaguing their shorts right now. Consider yourselves broken up."
Spencer, to herself: "Colonel Spencer Hastings, reporting for hardcore fucking shit up."
FIELDS HOUSE
Emily is dressed to the nines, sitting in bed, watching the video of Jenna fucking her brother for the one millionth time, because... I have no idea why she's watching it, I guess to get us up to speed about how Ian knew that Jenna was molesting her brother and thus has her own interest in keeping Spencer and Toby apart, given that the Liars don't know she's dating Garrett and still don't trust her, or vice versa. Anyway, way to be creepy Em.
And then speaking of, this dude in jeans is just hanging out in her doorway, watching Emily watch the incest porn, and it's pretty damn scary.
Mrs. Fields: "Oh, this is the realtor that will be renting out our house when we move to Texas."
Mr. Mendez: "Sorry I caught you watching porn. Put away all your personal belongings, and then we're going to destroy all your memories one by one, okay?"
Emily: "Never threaten a lesbian's sentimental objets. That shit will get you murdered."
HASTINGS HOUSE
Melissa: Blah-blah-blah, my child molester murdering stalker husband impregnated me with a devil baby and then got murdered and then vanished, whine whine, all I ever did was try to drive my sister to suicide and possible act as an accomplice in the death of a child, blee-bloo-blee.
Veronica: "Melissa, I just want you to know that I love you a great deal more than your sister. Don't ever forget that."
Garrett: "We're still looking for your child-raping husband, okay?"
Spencer: "Hey, Melissa! You're looking well."
Melissa: "Shut up. I can't believe you led my husband up to that clock tower so he would murder you and then got saved by a ghost ninja. That is so goddamn typical."
Spencer: "Whatever. I am nearing the end of my rope tonight. Go for it."
Melissa: "Just stay away from my baby! I'm running away from town with my baby the second Ian comes back from the dead."
Spencer: "Look, I'm glad we're both unscathed from that car accident that happened in the middle of everything else, but listen to me: Your husband is fucking dead. It was the greatest night of my life. And I wouldn't touch your devil baby with gloves on."
Mom: "Spencer, stop teasing your sister about her dead molester husband and her devil baby."
Remember when Veronica had the cancer and it made her go get drunk at the country club and that one boyfriend of Spencer's took her home? The only time Spencer dated a guy that hadn't been previously dated by her sister-slash-lesbian BFF? (Do you miss Wren? I miss Wren.) Anyway, that was so amazing when that happened. Also the last time that cooking was fun on this show, rather than a grim harbinger of death.
THERAPY
Yay, Annabeth Gish! I've loved her since Mystic Pizza, where she was the Melissa Hastings (although her sister was more of a Hanna and less of a Spencer, she still totally Melissa'd her.) There's something serious and trustworthy about her that I've always loved. Anyway, she is the therapist. I wonder if she can do creepy. If she can't, Rosewood shan't be kind to her.
Hanna: "Sorry I'm late, I had to go shopping before therapy. Did you guys already leave me out of therapy?"
Liars & Anne: "Nope. Just awkward staring."
Hanna: "Aw, nuts. Ironically, I am the most resistant to therapy out of the four of us, yet the one most in need of it. I don't know if you've noticed, but even without getting constantly run over and stalked I still have 99 problems."
Liars & Anne: "Oh, we noticed."
LULEB
Caleb: "What a long journey we have taken together, exploring the landscape of America and also our growing bodies. Thanks for paying for the hotel since I only use the barter system and cybercrime to pay for things."
Lucas: "Technically it was a motel."
Caleb: "Technically, it was a dream come true."
Smooooooch.
Lucas: "Please don't go back to dicking Hanna around. Let's make this work."
Caleb: "Things were... So much simpler on the road."
Lucas: "Don't be a stranger, okay?"
Caleb: "Like I ever could quit you."
THERAPY
Anne: "Seems like without Alison you guys wouldn't even be friends."
Liars: "Yeah. Or getting murdered on a constant basis."
Anne: "But you're all still close."
Liars: "Yeah, now we are. For about a year we ignored and hated each other."
Anne: "So what happened? You can trust me."
Liars: "We got back together when they found her body, and the shit hit the fan."
Anne: "Look, I'm not like a regular authority figure, I'm a cool authority figure. Unlike every other adult in Rosewood, you can trust me."
Aria: "Guys, should we tell her about the ninja ghost of you-know-who?"
Phones: Immediately start beeping; presumably A texting those bitches to cram it, ASAP.
Anne: "You're looking at your phones like they're going to murder you. Are your phones haunted?"
Turns out it's just their moms telling them to come home from therapy and not go do any murders or blackmails or anything in between. Outside, Spencer spots Toby... And Jenna, creep-croppin' her way down the lane. Everybody's wearing the most adorable peacoats.
Emily: "Guys, check out the newspaper! It says that Ian left town with a huge sum of money in his car, and that we knew he left and that's why we covered for him... With our crazy bell-tower strangulation/disappearance story."
Which makes literally no sense, but whatever. Rosewood.
Spencer: "I can't help thinking this is just the universe's way of fucking me over on Melissa's behalf, again, forever."
A: That's right, I now have control of the media. Dance, monkeys!
THE INCREDIBLE MARIN HOUSE, WHICH I HAVE MISSED ON A NEAR-NOEL KAHN SCALE TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST
Hanna: "Hey Mom, I went crazy shopping before therapy, okay?"
Ashley: "That's cool because we're totally poor. Oh, I have something to show you. It's our pet gypsy werewolf."
Hanna: "Aw, crap."
Caleb: "So hey, I unskipped town."
Hanna: "Stop looking at me like you're in love and being totally gorgeous okay?"
Caleb: "I gave a letter to Mona, which you ignored. Unless something obvious happened that we're both too dumb to figure out? Just in case, these are the contents of the letter, verbatim."
Dear Hanna. It is hard to be a werewolf, subsisting entirely on the barter system and cybercrimes. Nobody understands me and I felt so alone until I met you, because you were raised by wolves. The differences between Ashley Marin and a corrupt foster-care system are minimal. Also, when we fucked in the woods that part was awesome. Love, Cyberwolf.
Hanna: "I don't know that Mona would have tossed a letter like that. She tends to act selflessly and with a cool head."
Caleb: "Right. Okay, anyway I am in love with you. I'm sorry that I did cybercrimes on you, forcing you to beat up a blind girl in the school bathroom."
Hanna: "I believe that you are sorry, and that you love me and we love each other. But it is hard to forget that you did those cybercrimes, because I am in a state of constant and very justified paranoia. It's not you, it's me. Me, and the serial killers that hound my every move."
Caleb: "Okay, I won't ask for further information. Goodbye, Hanna. And whatever anybody tells you, it's not gay if you do it in an SUV."
Hanna: "...Wait, what?"
Caleb: Vanishes into the night.
MONA VANDERWAAL OVERDRIVE
Mona: "Hey, betch! Let me borrow that top!"
Hanna: "I know you trashed that letter from Caleb."
Mona: "Like Caleb can read. It was mostly just chicken scratches and some dirt."
Hanna: "Not cool, 'Sweetie.'"
Mona: "I saw red, I'm sorry. I honestly was trying to do the right thing like just one time."
Hanna: "As a teenage girl, it makes total sense for me to say this. What Caleb did -- screwing me in the woods and cybercriming my nannycam simultaneously -- that hurt. But what you did hurt worse."
Mona: "As a teenage girl, that makes total sense to me."
Noel Kahn: "Hey Mona, sorry I'm late... For our date!"
Yes! That is AWESOME! I love this show!
Hanna: Bounces, because watching Mona kiss Noel Kahn is just too weird, and also, way to pull focus, Noel Kahn.
Noel Kahn: "Mona, are you okay?"
Mona, crying with Real Emotions: "Just smoke my cigarette and hush."
HASTINGS
Hot Little Spencer explores the concept of showing cleavage, which normally is not exactly AP on this show, but considering she usually dresses like a prairie dominatrix this means for her a whole new skillset. Eventually she just pulls her shirt off altogether, which is one way to go. Happy noodlemusic plays as she texts flirtfully with Toby, so of course Melissa shows up with her Nice Sister personality driving for the moment.
Melissa: "Can we talk?"
Spencer: "Melissa, I ruled you out when I was ten. Bygones. Again, sorry about your entire tragic life, but I have a shut-in to make out with right now."
Melissa, awesomely: "Cute outfit. Wearing it for Emily?"
Spencer: Freezes like a motherfucker.
Melissa: "Just kidding, I know you're going to see Toby and I won't tell anybody."
Spencer: "What do you want in return? My blood? My flesh?"
Melissa: "No, I'm just sorry that I said you can't be around the devil baby. We're naming it Taylor because it is gender-ambiguous. Kind of like we named it after you. Also, I don't think Ian left town with that money or whatever -- he wanted this gender-ambiguous devil baby as much as I do. Please just tell me what happened at the church."
Spencer: "I told you a million times."
Melissa, awesomely: "To be honest I wasn't listening, due to I hate you."
Spencer: "You're not going to like it. There are literally zero parts of the story that you are going to like. It does not reflect well on either of us, frankly."
Melissa: "Look. Mom gave me a handful of pills and I'm back to being a normal human being right now, so take advantage of my lucid state. I can actually feel myself turning back into a bitch."
Spencer: "Cool. Let me text Emily and Toby and tell them to be friends again instead of it just being us using Emily to hang out with each other."
Well. Who knows what the rest of their conversation really was about. I could have made the entire thing up, even more than usual. You don't just toss around magical unicorn ideas like Spencer and Emily making out, and then expect a person to pay attention to what happens .
This year I assumed we'd be redeeming Melissa, since she's a single-mom-to-be whose perfect life has gone down in flames and who's also the widow of a Peeping Pedo and might never get closure on that. After all, every other shitty grownup on this show has already been redeemed once already. Even fucking nasty weirdo Jenna and mean old Pam Fields are okay these days. Mona's dating Noel Kahn, which seems like God's way of telling her she's doing all right and deserves a little something special for herself. Obviously Melissa needs some TLC from the viewership at this point. It's that or Paige's bullshitty father, and I don't see that happening for a while, if at all. (If Paige even still exists, which on this show is not a given.)
FIELDS
Toby: "Must be tough having all your sentimental memories and height chart and stuff painted over and vanished."
Emily: "It reminds me of our friendship."
Toby: "Have we met?"
Just kidding, they totally are close still and it's nice. He razors off the entire height chart with the pocketknife he likes to carry just in case people start to think he's not creepy, and then Spencer texts to say she can't make it. They are both sad about that.
Emily: "Sorry I dumped you that time and we weren't friends for awhile."
Toby: "It was a weird time for everybody. You were turning into a lesbian and I was breaking up with my sister."
Emily: "Thank God you brought up my lesbianism. Let's have a frank chat about my sexuality and your odd place in its blossoming."
Toby: "I'm no fool. I knew you were in love with Maya."
Emily: "I really miss talking to you. Texas is stupid."
Toby: "All it took was three seconds of this scene to make us best friends again. It's going to be fine."
She kisses his cheek, it is awesome.
NAKED FITZ NAKED FITZ NAKED FITZ
Ezra, in his PJs: No idea.
Aria: No idea.
Ezra: No idea.
Aria: No idea.
I guess they're back together. (I guess this show knows what side its bread is buttered on, additionally.) Maybe they talked about Ian and maybe Ezra believes her about the story and maybe he tried to be her boyfriend and tried to be her friend and maybe he stood around looking amazing for a long time and maybe they talked about Jackie Molina breaking up with him as usual, and maybe he gave no real information about that as usual, and maybe he was not quite over Jackie Molina when he fucked a child in the washroom of a local pub. I cannot vouch for any of that but it's definitely possible that those things happened. Put a damn shirt on, Ezra Fitz! We're recappin' over here.
A: Something creepy about a photograph inside Ezra's apartment, something has been taken from his place, and also his housekey is missing from the welcome mat. Possibly Aria should tell Ezra about this, but I don't see how she even can. Aria's life is so hard. So complicated, so hard. So very dumb.
LIARS' CLUB
Aria: Refers to A as "Shim," I guess because now that Mona is dating Noel Kahn everybody wants to be like her. That's the most logical guess, from where I'm standing. I myself will be dressing like the Hamburglar from now on.
Hanna: Mistakes a Playbill in Ezra's office for a Playboy. Which is funny on many levels, because which is more likely if you've ever met Ezra Fitz.
ibid., additionally: Is literally unable to identify a typewriter on sight. I have missed her so goddamn much.
Emily & Spencer: "Um, A is kind of scary sometimes. Like that time she ran over Hanna and didn't even stop. Or that time she pushed Ian's ass off a tower and strangled him to death. Somebody is going to die, I can feel it. I really hope it's not Ezra. Especially not if he's going to be walking around half-naked from now on. We should tell Therapy Anne about this huge obvious scary thing that's happening to us. That way, it is her that will be murdered. Or is A."
Liars: "Normally this is the point where one of us decides to dig in and refuse to go along with the group. Who's going to be the one this time?"
Nobody: Does.
Aria: "And it's not like we'd be betraying Garrett if we showed her that entire terabyte of creepy videos that Alison stole from Ian and then put in a storage space in a lunchbox that could only be opened by a secret key that she stashed in the secret compartment of that snowglobe that she gave Emily that one time."
This Show: Is so fuckin' amazing, dude.
Hanna: "Plus her Chloés were gorgeous."
Spencer: "Goddammit, Hanna."
Hanna: "No, I'm serious. You can tell a lot about a person from their shoes."
(Feathered Carrie Bradshaw Blahnik knockoffs by Johnathan Kayne, orthopedic riding boots from some museum, Birkenstocks [cute ones, but still], and for Hanna I would say... Sigerson Morrison booties, in some outlandish Mona-inspired color. Those girls love their color-blocking.)
THERAPY
Anne: "Sure! As a professional I always have time for the craziest girls in town. Whenever you want."
Hanna: "Explain doctor/patient privilege to me. Also Tory Burch makes the Claudia boot in brown?"
Liars: "Jesus God, Hanna."
Even Anne: "Seriously."
Hanna: Is onto something, obviously. Maybe at the end of this episode in the A Tag we'll see them stomping around in some mud, or later in the demi-season it will matter, but she's not being an idiot this time. Once is funny, but this is twice and I already had a feeling it would matter. Now we know.
A/V Emily: "I've got video ready to go, but I think we should talk about it first before the shocking footage."
Hanna: "Aria, you're the poet here. Spin us a word-portrait."
Aria: Starts in with like the Gilgamesh version of things.
Spencer, verbatim: "...THIS TALK IS PREMATURE."
For she has spotted Ezra's diploma on Therapy Anne's wall! Perhaps just like Kitty Walker on Bros & Hos, Aria is accidentally dating the authority figure's son, across generational lines. Get out of there, girls! Regroup! Too weird!
Liars: Stare openly at the diploma and shut that computer real quick.
Anne: "What the hell just happened here?"
Hanna: Totally steals the diploma, like an insane person.
Anne: "Um, you guys called me? Emergency session? Remember?"
Liars: "Yeah, this is how we roll."
Anne: "Where you roll is the direction of Crazytown. I officially cannot handle your mess."
OUTSIDE
Or wait, so I guess the thing that was missing from the picture of Ezra's house -- besides shirtless Ezra posing on the furniture -- was the diploma, and A put it on the shelf of Anne's office so that they'd know she knew they were thinking of coming clean to her about all their dirty business. Which makes sense in the context of this bizarre show, but I can't believe none of them jumped to the same thing I did. Well, maybe Aria would have, but I don't think she ever even knew what was going on and just went with the Liars because they all trust each other, so this explanation actually makes more sense.
CONSEQUENCES OF ACTING ALL WEIRD
Ella & Byron: "Aria, sorry to interrupt your fevered Fitz-assigned reading, but Therapy Anne called and she said you guys can't attend sessions together anymore. Also, you are getting on her fucking nerves."
Aria: "Yeah, that's valid."
Ella & Byron: "Also, this is dicey but she thinks you four Liars need some time apart from each other. Which sucks because obviously you should all be able to trust her, but in this context makes her just another grownup enemy. Essentially she thinks you four might be headed into some sort of reality-disconnect folie à quatre."
Aria: "I can't argue with that, in one way, but in reality I can assure you we're not doing that."
Ashley: "And here I thought it was you and Mona that would eventually pull a Heavenly Creatures on us."
Hanna: "I cannot handle being mothered right now in any way."
Soundtrack, and this is so true too: Girlfriends are like boyfriends, but they make you stare at the wall with tears rolling down your face even more than boys can sometimes. Hormones, puberty, teenage problems. It is a fucking nightmare on occasion. It gets better.
Spencer & Emily: Stare into space like they are awaiting death.
THAT NIGHT
After the break, somebody's outside Spencer's hose so she locks all the doors and readies her weapons and goes running around the house breathing heavy and ready to kill a motherfucker. Biggest Santoku you ever saw, gleaming and making that schwing noise that knives always make in movies and TV but not reality. Caught in the kitchen, and but then guess who it is? Toby.
They run into each other's arms, having been kept apart this entire episode, and she cries and it's sort of a relief.
THERAPY
Anne locks up for the night, and things are creepy as she's walking to her car. Is she being followed? Yes. Is she going to have to activate her mutant cat powers? Maybe. Where is the person? They are gone. She gets in her cute therapist car, staring around, and pulls out some mace, and pulls away. Somebody in a hoodie watches her drive off.
A: "They make the Tory Burch Claudia in brown? I wonder if Hanna knows about this."
HASTINGS
Leaving, Toby sternly tells Spencer to lock the door, and because she is in love she doesn't smack him like Fucking duh, which she would anybody else. Melissa's phone beeps in the couch where she left it when the cops brought it by at the beginning of the episode, and this is the text, from a blocked number:
Melissa, I'm sorry but it's not safe yet. I can't tell you.
Aw, dammit. Please don't be Ian. Be Wren, be somebody else, be anybody but Ian. No offense, he was cute and creepy and there's a lot to be explored about Hilton Head, but I'm so ready to move on. And for like one thing to stick: We saw him die. We never get to actually see anything on this show, but we saw that. At least I thought we did, although then A did immediately habeus his corpus. Hmm. I wish death on Ian even more than Spencer ever did. Plus, like, Melissa just got interesting.
Spence immediately sends a mass SOS text to the Liars, who variously sneak out despite getting grounded from each other five seconds ago, and they meet in this amazing greenhouse I feel like we probably recognize. Frankly, I feel like everything on the show should happen in this greenhouse, it's gorgeous. Mad texting occurs.
How do I know it's you?
Ask me anything.
What are we naming our baby?
Taylor.
They all gasp and Ian's alive and whatever. I don't know, though. Seems to me that anybody who knows Melissa might know the answer, because "we" doesn't necessarily include the person on the other end. Like when Melissa told Spencer, "We're naming it Taylor," she wasn't saying that it was Spencer's baby. So maybe it's possible it's not Ian still. But the whole "it's not safe" thing makes it seem like the story of him skipping town is true, which fits in another way?
I mean, we know the blackmail thing was a ruse to flush him out, and he knew that too, but that doesn't mean he can't retroactively pretend that's the case. Very intriguing, actually, when you consider this new wrinkle; still hoping we've moved on from Ian. God knows if Spencer makes one more frothy-faced rant about him I might start rooting for him instead. Although it might be nice to have our Murder Cooking segments back. He was so great in those.
A TAG & EPHEMERA
A Tag: Realtor Mendez doesn't seem to find anything weird about the Invisible Man prowling around the Fields rental in black gloves and presumably a fencing mask, but I guess in Rosewood you can't blink.
Immediately Following: The series premiere of The Nine Lives Of Who The Hell Even Cares What's Going On With This Show, It's Got Grey Damon In It, You Win.
Dude is fully ludicrous.
Week: The grownups of Rosewood laughably believe that their daughters are taking them seriously suddenly; Therapy Anne continues to be ambiguously friendly while operating a black market shoe theft ring; Ezra ends his high school career by showing up in suspenders and American Apparel briefs; Lucas and Caleb are discovered living together in an abandoned wig shop; Melissa remarries the sexting, mouldering corpse of Ian in a ghoulish midnight ceremony; Emily and Toby throw Spencer a Las Vegas-themed birthday party she'll never forget; and Jenna and Garrett put their plan in motion to bring martial law to Rosewood. Meanwhile, Mona and Noel Kahn win Best Couple Ever and Rosewood ISD retires the concept of Prom Court forever, because what's the point after this year.
Missed you! Welcome back.