Popular S03E02

What can I say? Tammy Lynn Michaels and I met cute. And just like in those old movies, we hated each other at first. We fought constantly. I even fought with friends of hers. Soon, though, we gave into our secret desires and learned that love can bloom under the strangest of circumstances.

What happened on the Popular boards the night of the series finale is now legend. A new poster named BitchslaptheWB appeared in the forums claiming to be Tammy Lynn Michaels. She thanked us for her support and spoke bitterly about the WB. Some of us dropped to our knees to worship her, but others (wellyours truly) didnt buy it and the thread was closed. Tammy started posting on another thread on the Popular boards and kept insisting she was legit, so I had her banned.

Now, youd think that Id be thrilled that Tammy Lynn Michaels was posting on our boards, but Im one of those truly neurotic individuals who hates to be wrong more than anything. I hate being wrong so much that I wanted BitchslaptheWB be an imposter just so I wouldnt have to be wrong. So I ignored any evidence of Tammys authenticity and stuck to my guns. I started to receive emails from a friend of Tammys, who begged me to call her so they could straighten this out. Not only did I get into an email fight with her, but I also cc'ed my snappy retorts to Tammys friend and sent them to my fellow MBTV writers so we could all have a good laugh. Who is this idiot who keeps trying to convince me they know Tammy Lynn Michaels, Id wonder. Dont they realize what a true insider I am? I am Gustave! I am an omnipotent gay man who went to high school with Matt LeBlanc from Friends and reads Vanity Fair religiously. I know bullshit when I see it!

So you can only imagine the utter humiliation I felt when Leslie Grossman, in the middle of our interview, revealed to me that Bitchslap was in fact Tammy Lynn Michaels. It was like a truck had hit me. For hours after I hung up the phone with Leslie, I lay on my couch in a stupor, trying to figure out how to save my reputation. I hoped that maybe Tammy had been so pissed off with me that shed never go near the Popular boards again and Id never have to tell a soul what went down. But soon I realized that my plan wouldnt work, because Leslie had just spilled the beans in her interview. I was a dead manunless I accidentally erased the Leslie Grossman tapes or pulled a Nixon on parts of them. And believe me, I considered doing just that for a few minutes.

But you know whats funny about writing for MBTV? People dont really expect you to be pleasant or diplomatic. So when youre actually being nice, its a total shock to everyone and subsequently the tiniest amount of ass-kissing can go a long way. To make a long story short, Tammy not only forgave me, but she even agreed to be interviewed. I assumed she wanted her new relationship with Melissa Etheridge kept out of the conversation, so I promised her wed only talk shop. Surprisingly, she insisted that she was open to any question Id have, including ones about Melissa. She even told me that I was getting her first post-closet interview -- which may not be true at this point, since it took me so long to type this thing up.

But heres what truly made me love Tammy: before I turned the tape recorder on, she told me some off-the-record dirt about someone famous she knew that was so deliciously nasty and so unexpected, it took the paint off my walls. No, I will never reveal what she told me, but I just wanted to mention this so you would all envy me. You see, its been a strange couple of months, and I deserve to feel a little superiority for my troubles.

And now, the interview

MBTV: Jeez, you sound just like Nicole. When I talked to Leslie she sounded nothing like Mary Cherry butIm talking to Nicole right now.

Tammy Lynn Michaels: Yeah, Grossman truly played a character. Mary Cherry was nothing like her. She had a different voice, posture and everything. I bring more of myself to the role. I mean, Im not that much of a bitch or anything, but my voice and posture is also Nicoles.

So wait, you live in Brooklyn?

Yeah. Boerum Hill.

I spent a year in Bensonhurst and then I lived in Park Slope with the rest of the dykes.

You were a Park Slope dyke? No way! Ryan said you arrived at the Popular audition straight off the bus from the Midwest. The myth-making! The branding!

I am from Lafayette, Indiana, but I lived in New York for a while.

If this were a Vanity Fair cover article, what would we be doing now?

Wed go to Moomba. Then wed go for side-by-side massages at some fabulous spa. And then at about seven after wed had mannies and peddies, we would head over to Lotus and wed sit in the balcony so we could view our public.

Have you ever been to Lotus in real life?

Yeah. I went there for Melissas birthday.

I asked Leslie this as well -- what story has you obsessed lately? Tom and Nicole?

You know, I have no idea whats up with Tom and Nicole. I really have no clue. I dont even have a colorful theory.

Robert Blake? Are you into that?

You know, its so OJ, I cant even go there. I mean, didnt this already happen? Its like a bad sequel.

Besides the political stuff thats been going on lately, I am obsessed with Jon Benet Ramsey. I just read the book, Perfect Murder, Perfect Town. It breaks my heart that they cant find out who the killer is.

I think it was the mother. Or at least one of the parents.

If its one of the parents, they are both in on the cover-up. The thing that fascinates me is that they swore up and down that the son was asleep when they first found her missing, but when they play back the 911 tapes, you can clearly hear his voice in the background.

Oh, and I am obsessed with Britney Spears. Okay, I dont have a lesbian crush on her or anything, but I want her body. Literally. I want that body underneath my head. I want to look like that.

I have a boy crush on Ricky Martin. He is so sexy and hes a phenomenal entertainer. I wish my ass looked as good in leather pants. I dont want to sleep with Ricky Martin, I want to be him.

Do you think hell ever come out?

[diplomatically] I dont know if hes gay.

[laughs] Good one.

No, Im serious. I mean, we really dont know anything about him, do we?

Well, he does seem to be

Talented?

Uh, yeah, but even he has said some ambiguous things about his sex life. Did you see that Barbara Walters interview? If hes not gay, hes definitely trying to keep both of his fan bases.

Or hes just a sexually charged performer who attracts a gay fan base. Once you get the gay boys there, you have a loyal following.

It’s true.

And I love them.

Who else do you like musically?

I love Aerosmith.

Did your agent ever tell you to put on a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform and go audition for Aerosmith? You know, Alicia Silverstone? Liv Tyler?

Oh! No, I haven’t but I would so love to.

I also love Joni Mitchell, Billy Joel, John Denver, Neil Diamond, Macy Gray, Lenny Kravitz, Bruce Springsteen, Cake, Loretta Lynn. My favorite album ever is the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack.

Did you see Moulin Rouge?

Can we talk about "Lady Marmalade"? Whenever I see that video I feel a shot of endorphins and hormones heading toward my lady area. Give me a margarita and put that song on and I’m a one-woman party. I love Lil' Kim, Mya, and Christina. I love to see strong women.

I have a boy crush on Mya. Don’t ask me why.

I like Pink. She’s so East Village.

So, speaking of female musicians, how did you meet Melissa? I mean, I can ask that, right?

Um, yeah.

Anyway, I was out with a bunch of girlfriends. Popular had literally wrapped for the season -- and the series, for that matter -- the night before. I had been avoiding gay bars the entire time I was working so all of a sudden I was like, “Let’s go out! C’mon, girls, I don’t care who sees me!” So we were sitting at this table and there she was. So up until then, I’d been living in a virtual tunnel for the past ten years. I mean, I knew who she was, but I wasn’t super aware. I mean, I’m not a celebrity stalker, or anything. But you know, I just thought she was cool. So my friends were egging me on to go up and talk to her. They were like, “Ask her out! Ask her out!” I was like, “No!” and so they started coming up with really cheesy pick-up lines for me to say to her. Now, you'd think my friends would realize that women don’t go for the cheesy lines, but they kept egging me on. So I decided to show them how to pick up a woman. I mean, I really just wanted to get them off my case. So this guy -- a gay boy who worked with me on Popular -- offered to introduce me. He introduced us and I was like, “I’d like to take you out to dinner.” And she was like, “Okay!”