Brooke and Sam are getting ready for school in the Palace bathroom. Sam is wearing this royal blue robe and she's still got that Barely Legal eye make-up happening. She's also got Boy George's hairstyle from the "Miss Me Blind" video. And Brooke is the superficial high-maintenance one? Brooke tells Sam that Mike and Va-Jane-Ah have given them responsibility of naming the baby. Sam then has the nerve to go off on Brooke for fooling around with Harrison during Spring Break. Brooke explains -- and quite rightfully, I might add -- that she didn't do anything wrong since, as far as she knew, Sam was with George and had no claim on Harrison. Finally Sam realizes that Brooke isn't to blame and neither is she. They both decide to get revenge on Harrison by playing him like he played them. They give each other a high five.
Credits. Again Jamie Kennedy comes out to tell us that Face Time is brought to you by Dr. Pepper. And that Dr. Pepper makes the world taste better. Wow, the body isn't even cold yet and already the sponsors have forgotten that there's a show called Popular that's actually supposed to be the main attraction of this hour.
Mrs. Ford's apartment. Josh is getting ready for school, putting a piece of fruit in his bag and whatnot. Mrs. Ford enters wearing a clingy black Dacron turtleneck with no bra underneath over a sand-colored knee-length skirt. And let's just hope that it's chilly in the Ford apartment because otherwise Mrs. Ford appears really really excited to see her son Josh, if you catch my drift. Mrs. Ford has some excellent news. "Looks like my days of temping are over," she says, putting her hands behind her waist and thrusting her torso into Josh's line of vision so he can see just how cold it is in that apartment. Temping? Um, last we saw Josh's mom, she was working as a guidance counselor at Kennedy and dating the football coach. Something's been glossed over here. Sounds like someone lost a job due to sexual misconduct. "Did you get a job?" asks Josh. "I got a great job!" says Mrs. Ford. "A tax-bracket-changing job!" I guess it was only a matter of time before Josh's mother found out about lucrative opportunities in the sex industry.
Josh is all excited for her and starts doing it with her right then and there. After they both climax, Mrs. Ford explains that she actually hasn't gotten a job as a sex worker in a whorehouse that specializes in middle-aged Seven-Sisters graduates; rather, she's going to be a human resources director at a company called Five Comp. "Apparently they flipped over my psych background," she says. Um, yeah. Mrs. Ford? Your "psych background" consists of dropping out of college -- where you were a psych major -- to get married, and then working a connection due to your son's athletics to get a job as a guidance counselor at Kennedy, where you promptly started doing it with one of your co-workers and got fired or something a few months later. That's not exactly a psych background. And furthermore, who "flips" over a job candidate who has a bachelor's degree in psychology? No offense to anyone who is studying psychology, but isn't psychology the most popular major at most colleges because it's the easiest workload? Nevertheless, Mrs. Ford is relieved that she can pay Josh's college tuition. Josh is also happy to hear that, but feels bad about the expense. "Maybe if I'd have stayed on the team I could have gotten a scholarship," he says. "No scholarship is worth your unhappiness," says Mrs. Ford. Huh? I thought Josh loved football. The only reason he's not on the team anymore is because he was kicked off for doing drugs. What's with rewriting history to make Josh a sensitive mama's boy who always hated football but just went through the motions to please his father? According to his locker room conversations with Sugar, he loved the sport. "Oh, and one more thing?" says Mrs. Ford gravely. "Five Comp is in St. Paul, Minnesota. So we're going to have to move." Josh is all, "Well, I can't move. My whole life is here! My friends! Lily!" Mrs. Ford points out that she has to take the job or they won't be able to send him to college. Josh suggests that they ask Dad for "help." Mrs. Ford tells Josh that his father made it abundantly clear that if Josh didn't live with him, he wasn't going to pay for anything. Hello? Mrs. Ford? They're called divorce attorneys. For the friggin' forty-seventh time, look into hiring one. California is a community property state. Josh gets pissed off that he wasn't consulted about the move. Mrs. Ford assures Josh that the job is the solution to all their problems, and she can't afford not to take it. Josh is all, "You mean 'all your problems.'"
Kennedy parking lot. It's an outdoor setting with extras and everything. Mary Cherry is driving a gigantic Humvee -- only it says "Hummer" on the hood. Hee! Carmen is in the passenger seat, and they are both driving to school together to get in some early-morning calisthenics. Mary Cherry is complaining about how exhausting the strenuous exercise is on her "waifish heroin-chic physique." Carmen points out that they need to be in serious shape if they want to be back on the squad. I thought "the squad" no longer existed after Nicole closed it down and replaced it with "Bring it." Whatever. "Yeah, okay, see Carm?" says Mary Cherry momentarily frustrated at being delayed from finding a parking space by the special-ed bus (or, in layman's parlance, the short bus) and gesturing wildly with her manicured hands. "Warm-ups are for day people like you. I'm a star. I have what industry insiders call it. I'm ready for those auditions." She honks her horn and tells the "retards" to get moving. When they don't, she backs up her Hummer recklessly and ploughs into another student's car. They get out of the car to inspect the damage. Carmen checks out the bumper stickers (one is for the LA Raiders and the other says, "My Other Car Is A Big Knife") and identifies the owner of the car as Big Bertha Muffin, the only seven-year senior at Kennedy. "I hear she killed her parole officer!" says Carmen, gulping with fear. Mary Cherry couldn't care less. At Carmen's insistence, she leaves a note. What Carmen doesn't realize is that Mary Cherry signs Nicole's name to a very snarky and unrepentant note.
Kennedy Hallway. Brooke and Sam stand at Sam's locker, reading a book of baby names and considering a few for their future half-sibling. Normally the idea of an addition into the McQueen/McPherson household would send me into a fit of rage and anxiety just imagining the painful future story arcs involving Mike and Jane and their bundle of joy. But seeing as Popular was officially not renewed for season (and, as Shank pointed out, only airing 21 episodes, falling one episode short of a normal season), I couldn't care much less. At this point, they could name the kid "Fruit Of Mike And Jane's Loins" and give him a job teaching Central American Literature at Kennedy for all I give a crap. It's not like I'm going to have to see much of this kid. Harrison approaches them and tries to apologize for playing them both last week. The girls ignore him and walk off arm-in-arm like Kelly and Brenda on the fourth season of when they were seniors and waiting for Dylan to make up his mind between the two of them. Only Brenda and Kelly were so much cuter and went easier on the make-up. Harrison shrugs.
Moments before Chem's class starts. Hey, I've got a trivia question for you. When was the last time the Kennedy kids were in a classroom that wasn't chemistry? The first person to email me the correct answer gets a package of Britney Spears bubble gum. Lily is trying to engage Josh in a conversation about the prom dress and matching cummerbund she just bought, but Josh is elsewhere emotionally. Lily is freaked, thinking Josh doesn't want to go with her anymore. Josh explains that he just doesn't want to talk about prom right at that moment. Chem starts class and announces that she's been required by a George W. Bush education policy to start teaching a standard chemistry curriculum. Good God, it's about time someone realized that Chem hasn't taught a single lesson this year that even resembles high-school chemistry. But do they start doing actual experiments with chemicals and Bunsen burners? Nope. Due to some logic that I can't follow even though I've rewound this scene about seven times, the kids have to pair off and do trust falls. Something about lab partners being able to trust one another. Whatever. You know, I have a feeling that the trust falls are actually there in order to underline this episode's central theme which -- I'm taking a wild and crazy guess here -- is trust. No, I swear! I've never seen this episode before!
Chem lectures about the whole philosophy behind trust falls -- earning your partner's trust blah blah blah. Sam falls happily into Brooke's arms. Lily, on the other hand, is grimacing as she falls into Josh's arms, and Nicole doesn't lift a finger to catch Mary Cherry, who falls to the floor with a thud. Harrison and George -- still chilly towards each other thanks to Harrison almost hooking up with Sam and being caught by George -- just stand there with their arms crossed. Chem asks Harrison what the problem is. Harrison says he just doesn't feel comfortable. Chem calls Harrison an "inherent mistruster" for not submitting to a trust fall. "Is there a reason no one has your back?" she asks him. Sam and Brooke barely hide their amusement.
At lunch, Sam and Brooke discuss their plot against Harrison and wonder if they're being too harsh. George walks by and exchanges hellos with Brooke. Sam also calls out hello to him, but he ignores her. "Trust can be restored, Sam," says Brooke. She convinces Sam that the best way to get George back is to tell him the truth: that she thought she was going to die and can't be held accountable for such an irrational action.
Over at another table, Mary Cherry holds an ice pack to her head and demands to know why Nicole didn't catch her during their trust falls. "How could you let me fall like that...in public?" she asks. "Have you seen your fat ass, Mary Cherry?" asks Nicole. "That's not an ass, that's a cast member of The Sopranos. Why should I give myself a hernia?" Hee! Mary Cherry tries to convince Nicole that she's always had her back. At that moment, Big Bertha Muffin enters. You know Cathy, the desperate binge-eating shopaholic from the Cathy comic strip? The one who has been a single woman on the verge of her thirties for the past fifty years? Okay, imagine a real life version of her...but on steroids. That's Big Bertha Muffin. And she kind of talks like Frankenstein's monster in that each word has a big pause in between. "You...Hit...My...Car," she says to Nicole, showing her the note that Mary Cherry left on her windshield and crushing a Coke can against her forehead. Nicole isn't even fazed. She points out condescendingly that although the note was signed by her, it's written on Mary Cherry's personalized stationery, and therefore Mary Cherry is the one who hit her car. Big Bertha turns to Mary Cherry and tells her that she's going to pay for what she did, Wednesday at six PM at the lockers. "We're going to fight," says Bertha, cracking her knuckles loudly in Mary Cherry's face. Nicole laughs. Mary Cherry faints and falls, yet again into no one's arms.
Empty classroom. George is studying. Sam enters and sits down to him. He sees her and starts to pack up his books. She gets him to stay and listen to her for a second and gives him the whole "we thought we were going to die" speech that she and Brooke agreed upon. "That makes it okay to betray me?" says George, with only slightly more emotion that a two-by-four. Sam keeps apologizing and begging for forgiveness. George is unmoved.
The stairs that everyone sits on when they have emotional conversations. Josh breaks the news to Lily about him moving. Lily is crying. Josh tries to console her by reminding her that at least he'll be around for the prom. This doesn't cheer Lily up at all. He vows to ask his fascist dad if he can live with him so they can be together senior year.
Ford residence. "So now you want to come home?" says Josh's fascist father, whose out-of-touch-bad-white-male dad routine keeps being sabotaged by the excessively girly decorating scheme he's still got going in his home -- even after his wife moved out. Like, get a Barcalounger or something, Mr. Ford, before the baseball team starts leveling homophobic slurs at you! He agrees to take Josh in, but only on the condition that he start playing football again. And he has a strict curfew. And he can't use the phone after nine PM. And he has to let his father monitor his social life. "Is all of this acceptable?" asks Josh's dad, wiping his mouth imperiously with a napkin. "Yes sir," says Josh. Because it's really important to drive the point home that Josh's dad is a really really bad guy. And someone Josh shouldn't live with. And does anyone still say "yes sir" besides members of the military, that kid in American Beauty, or as part of a sexual role-playing fantasy?
Hallway. Sam is spying on Harrison. Brooke enters and starts being uncharacteristically friendly to Harrison. Harrison begins to apologize again, but Brooke cuts him off. "Do you really think what happened between us was a mistake?" she asks, wanting to know what he'd meant when he told Sam that he made a mistake by fooling around with Brooke. Harrison tells Brooke he meant that "hurting two people [he] care[s] about was a mistake." Brooke makes him kiss her right then and there to prove his feelings for her. They smooch. Sam stomps off in disgust, leaving a trail of blue eye-shadow dust in her wake.
The Novak. Big Bertha, wearing a yellow t-shirt with a the slogan, "Hang in there baby," embossed above a picture of a kitty, flexes her muscles in the mirror. In the right lower corner of the TV screen, a timer counts down "Time To Total Annihilation." Apparently, Mary Cherry has 33 hours, 7 minutes and 1.5 seconds until the fight. Mary Cherry enters with a big nervous grin on her face. "You hit my car," says Big Bertha when she sees her. "And you're gonna pay!" Mary Cherry considers Big Bertha's threat a mere "opening offer" and attempts to make a "counteroffer" in order to bring a truce. "I have everything a white-trash queen such as yourself needs to rule her trailer-park kingdom," she says, taking gifts for Bertha out of her purse. She offers her a big stack of lottery tickets, a family-sized tube of beef sticks, and a can of motor oil. "And because every queen needs a scepter, a pair of Gold Hermes nunchuks to better help you beat someone else up!" says Mary Cherry with a hopeful grin. Bertha goes into her "purse," which looks more like a US Postal Service mailbag, and pulls out a waffle iron. "I'm going to hurt you bad," she says opening and closing the waffle iron menacingly as if demonstrating what she's going to do some body parts of Mary Cherry. Again, Mary Cherry faints, hitting the ground with a loud thud.
The Palace bathroom. Sam confronts Brooke about kissing Harrison. Brooke explains that it's all part of the plan to toy with Harrison's emotions before she dumps him in some gut-wrenching way. At first, Sam doesn't buy it, but eventually she comes around. "How did you leave things with him?" she asks Brooke. "I'm supposed to call him tonight," says Brooke. "Good," says Sam. "Don't. I have a better idea."
Mrs. Ford's apartment. Lily and Josh discuss his plan to live with his father senior year. "He sounds strict," says Lily, stating the painfully obvious. Josh assures her he'll make it. He just needs to find a way to break it to his mom. Lily promises to support him through the worst of it emotionally, and surprises him with news that she's planned a trip for them to San Francisco. Apparently, something activist-y is going on there called "Heal the Bay," and everyone knows how much of a turn-on a futile act of grassroots activism is for Lily. Who knows? She might even let Josh get to second base amidst all that marching and stuff. Unfortunately, Josh can't go, because his father has enrolled him in an intensive football camp. "Is that something you really want to do?" asks Lily. Josh tells her how prestigious the football camp is. "That's not what I asked," says Lily. "Is this something you want to do?" She expresses concern that Josh isn't going to have time to "find himself" between the football practices and strict curfew. "I'd rather have you living three thousand miles away and still be the guy I fell in love with than right door and a football player," she says. Okay, for the seventeen hundredth time, not only does Josh like football, but he can't be on the team because he was kicked off. Am I the only one who watches this show? Oh wait, I kind of am. Anyway, Lily proposes another solution to their problems: marriage. Right, Lily, because when you get married, you can stay in school and not have to work for a living, because little green elves appear magically and build you your very own home which is built out of a very special kind of gingerbread so you can also lick it for nourishment. You know, I'm surprised more people don't look into options like this.
Dream sequence. Mary Cherry fights Big Bertha in a big ring, where an emcee introduces MC as "the most hated girl alive." Big Bertha mercilessly pummels Mary Cherry, who keeps trying to fix her hair. While Mary Cherry lies prostrate on the mat, Big Bertha climbs on top of the ropes and consults the audience on what to do . The Kennedy Gang are sitting in the stands, wearing togas and wreathes. They give the thumbs down, calling for Mary Cherry's death -- because no other television show currently on the air has thought of doing a Gladiator reference or anything. Bertha leaps on top of Mary Cherry, crushing the hell out of her stunt double. Mary Cherry wakes up screaming. The timer clocks her as having 10 hours, 13 minutes and 31.6 seconds until annihilation. In a rare moment of consistency, Mary Cherry is wearing the same pajamas with diamond rings on them that she wore in the last episode. She's also sporting a "cupcake is sleeping" sleep mask. Hee!
The Novak. Tubas and other brass instruments play the humorous "he said/she said" theme while Lily tells Carmen that she might marry Josh. Carmen points out that 60 percent of teen marriages end in divorce. This makes Lily reconsider her proposal. Over in the locker room, Josh is having the same conversation with George. Because Sugar Daddy seems to have disappeared into the same black hole that swallowed Poppy Fresh, Exquisite Woo, and Adam Rothschild-Ryan, making George Josh's confidante this week. They love each other, but will they feel the same way in three months or three years? Who the hell cares? We'll never find out, because this is the second-to-last episode!
Chem class. Sam. Harrison. Mutual feelings are aired. More games. They agree to go out on a date. I'd go into more detail, but no matter how many times I replay the scene on my VCR, my mind keeps wandering back to household chores I should be doing. Hell, my mind even wanders back to household chores I shouldn't be doing. It's that boring!
Kennedy Hallway. Mary Cherry, wearing a "Proud to be a Military Family" sleeveless T-shirt, begs Sugar to protect her from Big Bertha. Sugar turns her down emphatically, but MC eventually wears his resistance down with the promise of money. "While watching Behind the Music's portrayal of early nineties rap icon MC Hammer, I realized that anyone can have a posse...if they're rich," she says, holding up a cashier's check. "So what do you say, Sugar? Will you hop in my Lincoln Navigator and be mah crew?" Sugar agrees, as long as he doesn't have to hurt Bertha. "I'm only going to scare her off," he says. They approach Bertha, who is in the middle of taking change out of a payphone with a crowbar. Mary Cherry, whistling a new confident tune, introduces Bertha to her "new bodyguard." Bertha, wearing a pair of brass knuckles that spell out B-I-G-B, punches Sugar, sending him flying down the hall like a giant torpedo. "You hit my car...and you're gonna pay," she says, breaking the crowbar in two with her bare hands. Mary Cherry runs away screaming and catches up to Sugar, who has "B-I-G-B" imprinted on his forehead. She tells him to go after Big Bertha again, but Sugar tells her that "Hammer time is over!" He rips up the cashier's check.
On the stairs, Sam brags to Brooke about her smooth moves earlier with Harrison and tells her all about the date she made with him. Brooke, barely hiding her hurt that Harrison still has feelings for Sam, congratulates her, then ups the ante by telling Sam not to show up because she will instead. Sam is secretly bummed out that she can't go on the date herself, but in order to hide her feelings, she agrees to let Brooke meet Harrison that evening at a restaurant called "Wolfgang Jack's." Is that a layer of dust on my printer? I just went over it with a rag an hour ago, but I thought I might have missed something. Oh wait, it's clean. Damn! When was the last time I went over my keyboard with my compressed air duster? Yesterday? Damn!
Empty classroom. Josh reads Lily a letter he's written her. He talks about how their relationship has been tested from the beginning. I was psyched, because I thought that finally someone was going to point out the disturbing fact that Lily has just proposed to a guy who she brought sexual harassment charges against only a year ago, but unfortunately that wasn't what Josh meant by "tested." Instead, he talks about how different they both are and how cool that is. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. She accepts. They cry. Whatever.
The Novak. There are two hours, 27 minutes and 14 seconds left until Mary Cherry's annihilation. Two middle-aged men in suits are meeting with her. One is a funeral director, who is fitting her for the coffin that she's inevitably going to need after the fight. The other guy is an estate planner. She's feeling horrible about herself and deserving of the consequences of her actions, so she picks out a pine coffin: "Ah deserve to spend eternity in cheap packaging." She dictates her will to the estate planner, leaving almost everything to the Big Sisters of Los Angeles. "Who knows?" she muses. "Maybe if they had touched Big Bertha, I may have lived to see a new fall collection." Nicole enters, making snarky comments about MC's inevitable death. Mary Cherry tells her to laugh it up all she wants. "As of six PM, you won't have Mary Cherry to kick around anymore," she says, exiting. Nicole grabs the will from the estate planner to check out what she's getting.
The Ford apartment. Mrs. Ford is against the marriage, because Josh is too young to get married. I mean, good for her and all, but we know the real reason she objects to another woman in Josh's life, don't we? She tells him she won't sign the papers that give him permission to get married as a minor. "You don't have to," says Josh. "Dad already did." She vows to stop them, but Josh informs her that he'll marry Lily with or without her blessing. I wonder if I'm using the right cleaning solution on my no-wax floors.
Fancy restaurant. Harrison waits for Sam to show up. Since when do kids meet in four-star restaurants for dates? I mean, what ever happened to the age-old tradition of meeting your teen beloved in a parking lot late at night with a case of Meister Brau and a blanket? Brooke shows up instead of Sam. "What are you doing here?" asks Harrison. "I didn't want to see you get stood up," says Brooke.
Meanwhile, Mary Cherry and Big Bertha meet in the empty halls of Kennedy for their fight. They do this whole shout out to High Noon and approach each other wearing cowboy hats while Ennio Morricone-esque music plays. "You hit my car," says Big Bertha. "And you're gonna pay. Any last requests?" "Leave me alone?" suggests Mary Cherry. No dice. "Prepare to die," says Big Bertha. MC faints, falling back to the ground with a thud. But this time there's no thud. Nicole has caught her. "Am I in Hell?" asks Mary Cherry. Nicole stops the fight and threatens to use her presidential privileges to search Big Bertha's locker, which apparently contains weapons, drugs, and dolphin meat. Big Bertha goes after Nicole, but Nicole, wearing a pair of brass knuckles that spell out B-I-T-C-H, is a formidable opponent. She punches Big Bertha, sending her flying down the hall. "You had my back!" says Mary Cherry joyfully. "Thank you!" Nicole explains that she was touched by MC's donation to the LA Big Sisters and realized that even someone as vile and repulsive as her deserves to live...for now. "Besides," she adds, "no one gets to push you around besides me." Aw!
Fancy restaurant. Brooke tells Harrison about the plan to play him, only she makes it sound like it was Sam's idea and she wasn't really part of it. Sam shows up in time to find Brooke stabbing her in the back, and they have a fight in the middle of the restaurant. "Neither of you like me," says Harrison on his way out the door. "You just hate each other!" Okay, since when did the whole sibling-rivalry thing become an issue again? I thought that whole thing was over. Oh wait, I don't care. I only have one more episode to go before I never have to see this show again! They take food from other diners' tables and throw it at each other. Again, whatever.
The justice of the peace. Josh and Lily vow to love, cherish, blah blah blah. Remember when Lily seemed to be heading for lesbianism? What ever happened to that? I am so happy this show is getting its ass cancelled because this is the stupidest plot development since Harrison's leukemia.
The Palace. Jane reams out Brooke and Sam for all the damage they did in the restaurant. She starts to force them to apologize, but before she can, she goes into labor. Oh wait, forget what I said about Josh and Lily's wedding being the stupidest plot development since Harrison's leukemia. Here's something even stupider.
More Josh and Lily getting married. They are pronounced man and wife by the crotchety old judge, who can't even pronounce their names correctly. Oh my God, they did it! How...dumb!