“ Yemen? Harrisons no longer a virgin? Where is this going? ”
An unseen hand opens a notebook in which the words I know what you did last spring break are written on the first page. Drops of blood fall on the page, and a reverse shot indicates that Harrison is the notebooks owner. He is sitting in Chems class, and he has a nose bleed. I dont know about you all, but every time someone got a nosebleed at my high school, it was because they were on Accutane, the prescription acne medicine. When Accutane hit the market in 1984, there were all these people with bad skin whose faces cleared up all of a sudden but started having spontaneous nosebleeds in class. Unfortunately, there are no Accutane jokes during this episode, or any mention of such a phenomenon. Do the kids even take Accutane anymore? All of a sudden Im starting to feel old, because I remember the days when dermatologists only prescribed tetracycline for acne and how exciting it was to have a brave new drug to try. Anyway, Sam enters the classroom. Shes finally found a nice simple hairstyle. Its pulled back into a ponytail on the top of her head. From there it flares out in these spikes so she looks a bit like an onion, but still, its such an improvement. She takes a seat, giving Harrison a searching friendly look. Harrison gives her the stink-eye in return.
The bell rings. Chem enters the classroom and welcomes the kids back from spring break. In my day, says Chem, we went with Frankie and Annette to Fort Lauderdale. Now your generation seems to go straight to promiscuity. Funny she should mention Frankie, since Frankie Avalon was just a guest star on the Sabrina episode that just ended a moment ago. I wouldnt normally mention it, but since last week there was a Popstars reference right as Face Time was having Edens Crush as guest stars, Im getting the feeling that someone at the WB is encouraging synergy or shout-outs between the shows -- kind of how Tina Brown used to make all the stories in Vanity Fair refer to each other. She gives them a pop quiz essay-style. Everybody has to write down where they went for spring break and how many people they were intimate with so she can judge them all. Because, I guess, taking a non-prurient interest in the sex lives of minors placed in your care by the state is wacky and funnyand not a form of sexual harassment at all. Like a flock of sheep, the class actually writes down their answers. A look of fear passes over Mary Cherrys face, and Nicole pauses for a moment to count her lovers on her fingers. Like, no one ever thought of lying? Although everyone else places their hands over their answers for privacy -- even the viewers cant see them -- Harrison's answer is shown clearly. He was in Yemen and intimate with one person. Yemen? Harrisons no longer a virgin? Where is this going? Furthermore, I keep waiting for someone like Lily to object to this invasion of privacy, but she doesnt make a peep. What is with her? Last week she ignored the classist implications of the SAT by being unusually complicit toward a hierarchical system, and now this? Im disappointed.
I Know What You Did Last Spring Break
“ Now that shes giving major attitude to Sam and Harrison, the crush has become something more -- pure unadulterated love. ”
Later, at Harrisons locker, Sam comes up behind him, saying, Hello stranger. She points out that they havent spoken for a month, and that she misses him. Harrison tells her to make like an egg and scramble. Whatever that means. I thought the proper saying was make like an egg and beat it. Or maybe that was the point of the joke? Sam tells him to stop being childish. Theyve been friends for years and they are going to have to salvage their relationship. Harrison tells her shes on her own, and she should go be with her boyfriend George. Sam keeps trying to break through to him, but their conversation is interrupted by Chem and an officious-looking blonde woman in a suit. They are both wearing those aqua-colored face masks to prevent the spread of germs. Apparently, Harrison has picked up Rift Valley Fever in Yemen. Nosebleeds are the first symptom and Chem, upon seeing Harrisons pop quiz in which he mentioned being in Yemen, notified the CDC, who sent the officious blonde woman. She introduces himself as Dr. Jeanne Salk. Hee hee, geddit? Jonas Salk created the polio vaccine? CDC? A little Great Biologists of the Twentieth Century humor? Anyway, they cuff Sam and Harrison and take them in to be quarantined. Harrison tries to explain that his nosebleeds were a result of dryness caused by the central air system at school. Hes hallucinating, says Chem to Dr. Salk. Step two of the deadly fever, says Dr. Salk, who orders a lockdown of Kennedy High to contain the disease. The thing that doesnt make sense is that, if Chem and Dr. Salk are in contact with Sam and Harrison, shouldnt they be quarantined too? I mean, obviously its airborne if they think Sam got it from just talking to Harrison. Not to mention the fact that those face masks do nada. Whatever. Its Popular.
Credits. Again, Jamie Kennedy comes on to tell us that Face Time is brought to us by Dr. Pepper. And that Dr. Pepper makes the world taste better. But he says it with this ironic pseudo-seriousness, which I guess is supposed to be a secret signal to all of us that his heart isnt really in shilling for a soft drink and hes still that cool smirky guy we loved from the Scream movies. Nice try, Jamie.
Back in Harrison and Sams quarantined cell, Dr. Salk has brought them a parakeet. Apparently, if the bird dies in their presence within a day, its proof that they are infected with the virus. Harrison starts whining about having to share such close quarters with Sam, whom he hates. Sam reminds them that they are about to die, and that this isnt fun for her either. Dr. Salk tells the Honeymooners to shut up and describes the slow painful death thats heading their way, complete with nosebleeds and organ-liquefying fevers. I have to say that ever since I first laid eyes on Dr. Salk, I have been majorly crushing on her. Shes a small boned, slightly dyke-y but pretty blonde woman in her mid-thirties with just a touch of nerdiness -- just the sort of woman I know Id totally go for if I were straight. Now that shes giving major attitude to Sam and Harrison, the crush has become something more -- pure unadulterated love.
Chems class. Chem is giving her own lecture on Rift Valley Fever to her class, who have just been informed that they are also being quarantined until the CDC gives the all clear. She passes out thermometers and tells them to insert them into their rectums. Okay, thats not funny; thats just gross. And if I, the king of tasteless remarks, feel that somethings gone too far, that really says a lot. This time, for some reason, the class doesnt just blindly follow her instructions like they did with the sex quiz. They put them in their mouths instead and wait for their temperatures to climb to organ-liquefying heights. Is anyone else grossed out, or at least bothered, by the notion that those thermometers were meant for another location? I distinctly remember reading somewhere that rectal thermometers dont give accurate readings if you use them orally.
Mary Cherrys cell phone rings. She takes her thermometer out of her ear and answers it. Hello, Clarisse, says the sinister-sounding caller. Have the lambs stopped screaming? No, says Mary Cherry politely. Im afraid youve got the wrong number. The caller goes on to tell Mary Cherry that hes not calling for Clarisse but for her. And can I just ask, what is Populars obsession with Silence of the Lambs? He says that theres something more dangerous going on at this school than an epidemic, because he knows what she did last spring break. I went to Freaknik in Hot-lanta and I turned the mutha out. So? says Mary Cherry, looking around the room anxiously. This is a total shout-out to Sars, who was telling me not too long ago that she takes a perverse delight in always referring to Atlanta as Hot-lanta. The caller insists that he knows that she made another pathetic stab at fame. Does the name 'Booze Cock-A-Doodle-Doo-Monster' ring a bell? asks the sinister caller. Who is this? shrieks Mary Cherry at the top of her lungs. Leavemealone! Meanwhile, Carmen and Lily watch Mary Cherrys hysterics from their desk a row behind her and assume that some credit-card agency is after her. They go back to ignoring her distress -- as the rest of the class is doing. Lily slips out to use the bathroom (so that later, when Mary Cherry is stalked through the halls by a knife-wielding killer, well suspect its her, even though well be wrongjust like in those slasher flicks!). You have no proof, says Mary Cherry to the caller. Caller tells her to look under her desk. She does, and there she finds a photo of herself from a low-budget horror film she tried out for. Mary Cherry screams even louder and demands to know who this is. The caller tells her to turn around. There, sitting behind her in plain view in a Scream mask and what seems to be a Michael Jackson wig, is the sinister knife-wielding caller. She begs Chem, who is calmly grading papers through all of this, to excuse her so she can run for [her] life! Chem lets her go, but tells her to stay on school grounds because of the quarantine. Mary Cherry takes off and runs through the empty Kennedy Halls with the masked killer right behind her. As you can imagine, they cover just about every horror-genre clich in Mary Cherrys flight from the knife. She slips on a banana peel. She breaks into a fly-girl routine to avoid being stabbed. She screams in a far too photogenic fashion. Et cetera. Finally, she runs into Dr. Jeanne Salk, who tells her to stop running in the halls. Mary Cherry breathlessly explains that theres a killer on the loose. Of course, the killer is nowhere to be found now that Dr. Salk is there. She accuses Mary Cherry of hallucinating due to the Rift Valley Fever. Ill have to run some tests, says Dr. Salk. What kind of tests? asks Mary Cherry, on the verge of complete hysteria. Dr. Salk holds up a really really large syringe.