Okay, so Brooke and Harrison are just hanging out in the halls of the hospital. He has cancer. She has an eating disorder, and they just happen to be on the exact same floor of this mammoth hospital. Happens all the time, I'm sure. And speaking of realism, Harrison is just totally over the fact that Brooke stood up in front of entire school and accused him of doing drugs. After all, it was two whole episodes ago, no need to hold a grudge or anything. I guess time just goes by faster for the Kennedy gang. Why, in just an episode, Harrison's love for Mary Cherry is but a footnote. She doesn't visit. He doesn't care. She's not even in this episode. [sound of all of my readers groaning and deciding not to read the rest of this recap]
Brooke has "unwashed" hair and wears a "sick outfit" consisting of a grey snowflake sweater, a black body suit, and a jaunty blue scarf. She's totally stylin' in a really severe Pennsylvania way. It's like she's got this Helga thing going on. Seriously, I can just see Andrew Wyeth doing a tempura-on-wood painting entitled "Girl With Eating Disorder." Anyway, she's all, "Sugar said you got stuck with some religious freak." Harrison protests that his Christian roommate Clarence is the coolest guy he ever met. We're going to have to take his word for it, because there's nothing in this episode that establishes why Clarence is supposed to be cool when, in the last episode, he was bugging the shit out of Harrison up until a few moments before he got really sick and had to be removed from Harrison's room. I guess they had "cool time" together sometime between his being pulled from Harrison's room and the present moment. Anyway, Harrison tells Brooke that he can't find Clarence anywhere because they've got him in one of these ICU rooms. He pushes the elevator button so he can go look for Clarence some more. They exchange niceties, and Harrison kind of does one of those "chuckling at the irony of this chance encounter" a la James Van Der Beek. Oh yeah, and Brooke lets him know that April Tuna is president by default. Go April!! So they give each other the Vulcan handshake in honor of April Tuna and part ways. But there's a lot of this looking back at each other and stuff like they're setting up some sort of love interest thing. Oh, what will Sam think? Who cares?
Miss Ross is back! Yay! I'm not even sure why I'm glad, but I just am. It's so nice to see a teacher in this school besides Chem. Speaking of Chem, she's not in this episode either. Anyway, I guess Miss Ross is now teaching a drama class, or she's just making her Sassy Black Female Thought For White Teens II class do a performance of Equus. So Miss Ross goes off on Equus and asks the class, "When does passion become a liability?" Sugar Daddy, back from eating-disorder sleepaway camp and looking the same weight he was when he left, brings up the fact that there's nudity in the play. Miss Ross goes off some more on how the play is all about the evils of repression and how it takes stamina, imagination, and grace to be an actor in this play. Meanwhile, Josh is snoozing to Lily, who keeps trying to wake him up, and his mullet is getting more and more pronounced.
Oh, and the guest stars are listed: I guess Harrison will indeed find where they moved Clarence, because Mike Damus's name appears. Carmen's mom is back too, 'cause there's Susan Ruttan's name. Adria Dawn is listed, so you know April Tuna is going to be there. No mention of Ann-Margret, though, although we know she's in this episode. Stop being coy, creditmeister!
Class is dismissed, and everyone gets up to leave except Josh and Lily. Lily confronts Josh on his sleepiness. She thinks he's depressed. Josh disagrees, insisting that he's bored. Well, Josh? Considering that you're dating Lily, I totally take your word for it. This very thought obviously occurs to Lily, because soon Josh is hastily explaining that it has nothing to do with Lily. He's just having trouble getting excited about school now that he can't play football anymore. Yeah, I'll bet Josh misses that locker room. Oh wait, they just announced Special Guest Star: Ann-Margret. No one's being coy. Lily suggests that Josh channel his energy into the school play. Josh points out that his life fell apart last year when he was in South Pacific. Lily reminds him that he loved being in that play. "I was excellent," says Josh. Lily gives him a Xerox of his tryout piece and tells him he'll be playing a "psychotic teenager." "Seriously?" says Josh. "And I have to audition?" Okay, I'll admit that was pretty cute of Josh.
Bryant Park. A tented runway. Carmen approaches from backstage, but before she walks, she checks out the crowd: Anna Wintour, Katherine Betts, Steven Meisel…oh, wait. It's a twelve-step group that's being held in a really stark chic room. Or so I assume from the circle of folding chairs being set up. Anyway, Hunky Chair Set-Up Guy is all, "Are you Carmen?" "Yeah," says Carmen. "Hey, I'm Brad," says Brad. "We spoke on the phone." Brad is totally working that sensitive mountain-man thing -- he's got one of those tooth necklaces and a chamois shirt. "You're Brad from Alateen?" gulps Carmen, because she totally thinks he's fine and she's nervous about being there in general. Brad assures her that she's not alone, that many others like her have alcoholic parents. "I'm not one of those," snaps Carmen. "You may be surprised," says wise 'n' cute Brad.
Lily and Sam help Josh with his British accent. Josh practices some lines and then stops himself, protesting that he sounds like "Austin Powers on crack." Josh, you can only dream of sounding as fabulous as Austin Powers would on crack. Sam laughs at Josh in this really really condescending manner, and while she does this, her front teeth erupt forth on my TV screen like sunshine along ears of corn in those Soviet propaganda films. She does, however, offer advice to Josh that Josh finds helpful. She suggests that he go and buy a "dialect" tape. This is Josh's cue to get his ass out of there. He thanks Sam profusely for her stellar advice, because it wasn't like she was totally condescending about it or anything.
Sam, by the way, is wearing a slight variation on the Ewok-do she sported quite sporadically last season, and I want to know why, and yet I know I will never know. It has those perky strands of hairs that peek out like Koala bear ears, and then there's all this other hair that frames her face in this really chaotic way. It's like she got up from a nap in her trailer just moments before they shot this scene, and while she was asleep, her pesky little sister gave her a haircut with a pair of childproof scissors. As Josh leaves, the girls look on adoringly as if to say, "He's such a smart dog, he ate his dinner all by himself today!"
Now that their little project has moseyed, the girls break out the figurative can of General Foods International Coffees and have a chat. Sam announces coyly that she's thinking of trying out for the part of the therapist in the school production of Equus. Lily is all supportive, telling Sam that she'd "make a great shrink." Um, Lily? When you want to encourage a friend of yours to try acting, you might not want to say they'd "make a great shrink." But then she asks Sam why she's all into acting now. "I thought you hated the stage." Sam confesses that being on stage is one of her secret passions. Cue the "my best friend has cancer" synthesizer. "Whenever I talk to Harrison," says Sam, "he's always encouraging me to try everything. Kinda like, do it while you can, you know?" Yes, folks, Harrison has cancer, and when he talks to Sam, it's still all about her. And you know what else, folks? This is the very last time that Sam will mention, much less see, Harrison for this entire episode.
And speaking of our good ol' lovable cancer-infected scamp, Harrison lies in his bed doing school work back at the Eating Disorder/Oncology wing of the Hospital for Kennedy Kids. He hears Clarence's voice from the hall as Crazy Christian Clarence himself, still wearing his pylon-orange cap, is being wheeled by. "If I become a vegetable," says CCC, "please let it be corn on the cob. At least if you're corn, someone's gotta pick you up and hold you tight." Harrison jumps up and catches up with Clarence's gurney. He basically grabs the nurse and makes her stop pushing the gurney. She complies silently. Okay, has the person writing or directing this scene ever actually been in a hospital and seen what happens to people who try to treat a nurse like hired help? Clarence speaks deliriously some more. Harrison starts acting like Jennifer Jones in A Farewell To Arms at the bedside of a dying lover. Oh yeah, and Clarence has seen God. Or so he tells Harrison. The nurse pulls the gurney away and Nurse Dan, a.k.a. Poor Man's Erik Palladino, comes up behind Harrison to offer him some meds. "He's not going to make it, is he?" says Harrison. Nurse Dan is all, "I can't answer that." Harrison is all, "You just did." Then he walks mournfully to his room while the "Cancer Took My Best Friend Clarence" theme plays.
It's last call at the Alateen meeting, and Carmen sits nervously in tight focus sucking on her fingers (I guess she forgot her Pringles), trying to drum up enough courage to share. Cute wise Brad almost calls an end to the meeting, but Carmen raises her hand at the last minute. You go, Carmen! I am so there for you and your need to speak at your Alateen meeting. Have I told you all how much I am just there for the latest incarnation of Carmen, professional victim? It's all so jazzy! Carmen tells the group that her mother has a drinking problem -- but not anymore, and then she has to relive the whole Nicole and Mary Cherry exposing her mother's drinking in front of the whole school thing from a couple of episodes ago. Because, you see, if Carmen can't actually get treated horribly by someone within twenty minutes into an episode, she can fill her victim quota by simply reliving a victimhood moment from the recent past. Oh, and she also has to slip it in that she's homecoming queen, because that has to be mentioned in every single episode as well.
In the middle of Carmen's speech, Nicole appears in a psychedelic shirt, gold lamé pants, lots of gold jewelry, and opalescent pink and baby blue eye shadow, apologizes for being late, and without realizing it sits down to Carmen. She's still working that Accused 'do, but it's got some gel in it that makes it so much more bearable. Brad tells her that they are in the middle of hearing from a new member, and he introduces her to Carmen. Okay, Nicole is so fabulous right here. She totally looks to her left, sees Carmen, and, without missing a beat, just says hello completely sweetly and warmly. Carmen freaks. Heh! I so cannot wait to see what Nicole has in store for Carmen.
Okay, I know I'm relatively alone here, but I liked last year's Gap Christmas ads better than this year's. What can I say? I'm a sucker for intricately choreographed dance pieces and that sample of "Ice, Ice Baby." This snowball fight amongst the models in slow motion ain't doing it for me. And maybe it's me, but I don't think that they should have slowed down "Little Drummer Boy" until it sounded like a heroin-induced number that belonged on the Trainspotting soundtrack. "Little Drummer Boy" is a perfectly morbid enough song when played at normal tempo, thank you very much. And Miss Congeniality? Sandra "America's Sweetheart" Bullock falls down a lot, 'cause she's a tough FBI agent and has never worn high heels before. Hilarious. Oh yeah, and there are eating-disorder jokes too. Can't get enough of those pageant films. And apparently, no one else can either, because they just rule at the box office. Oh wait, they don't.
Back at the Alateen meeting, Brad determines that Nicole doesn't want to speak, so he closes the meeting. Nicole is so hilarious, hanging on his every word and then clapping solemnly when the meeting is officially over. As people file out, Nicole pulls a compact out of her purse and starts doing her face. Carmen is all, "What are you doing here?" Nicole is all, "Excuse me?" Carmen points out to Nicole that they are bitter enemies. Nicole points out that since the fellowship is anonymous, Carmen has to forget that she knows her from outside the group. Carmen accuses her of following her to the group for the sole purpose of picking up more dirt on her. Nicole points out that she has issues too. Before Carmen can ask Nicole how she could have been so insensitive to Carmen's problem a couple of episodes ago, Brad walks over. "You see, Carmen?" he says. "And you thought you'd have no one to talk to." Carmen protests that Nicole is the girl she mentioned during her share who tried to destroy her at school. "Come on, Carm," says Nicole in her sweetest voice. "You know I'm just Mary Cherry's pawn!" Hah! "She started those vicious rumors about my mom," says Carmen to Todd. "And would I be here if I couldn't relate to those vicious rumors?" says Nicole batting her eyes innocently. Brad tells them they're both victims of abuse who should do something nice for themselves. Nicole offers to take Carmen shopping. Carmen agrees, but under protest. "C'mon, Carm," says Nic, totally for Brad's benefit. "We can try on leather pants and swap family horror stories. It'll be fun!" Last year's Nicole is back! I hope she'll stay for the rest of the season.
Kennedy hallway. Equus cast list is posted. What do you know? Even though the Kennedy gang has never expressed interest in drama before, besides Josh, they're all cast in the school play. Even Lily -- she's cast as Josh's character's lover, and she didn't even really audition. She just read lines with Josh at his audition. Whatever. Everyone is all psyched until Sam points out that Lily and Josh have to get naked in front of the whole school. As if the school would allow this. ["No kidding. My school -- all girls, by the way -- put on Equus my sophomore year, and believe me, everyone remained fully clothed." -- Sars] Their excitement fades. Lily pulls Sam into the Novak. Sam's hair actually looks okay.
Hospital. Harrison sneaks around, ostensibly to find his lover Clarence. He sees Nurse Dan and ducks into an dimly-lit empty storage room. As soon as Dan passes, these really bright fluorescent lights flicker on, and Ann-Margret as God enters from behind a sheer curtain, dressed in a lab coat looking fine. How old is this woman again? She's making Peggy Lipton look downright haggard. Although I should probably point out here that this hairdo of hers seems to be doing that thing around the ears in order to hide the scars of some major plastic surgery -- but still. Okay, I guess we're not supposed to quite get it yet that Ann-Margret is God, because it's not like every trade publication has been telling us about this piece of stunt casting for months now. Harrison just thinks she's another hospital employee -- albeit the most fabulously incandescent employee this hospital has ever seen -- and asks her if she can do something about the lights. Ann-Margret is like, "Uh huh." Geddit? She can totally do something about the lights, because she is light?
Harrison asks her if she's a doctor. Ann-Margret tells Harrison that she's not a doctor. She's God. Harrison is all confused, and AM allows him to ask her a question, 'cause you know there's that whole thing when you meet a deity that you get to ask a question. Come to think of it, didn't Harrison get to ask some Zen master a question last season about what his career was? Anyway, Harrison claims he doesn't really have a question, but AM doesn't believe him because she knows he'd just spent three days in the same room as Clarence. Harrison is all, "You know Clarence?" AM is all, "Clarence and I are old buddies." Harrison is still not convinced she's God until she starts giving him details about his life that only someone omniscient would know -- something about him burying stuff when he was little, writing a love note to Sam that he never sent, and hiding some porn mag that Josh gave him. Okay, Josh gave Harrison a porn mag? I want to know more about this. Harrison asks her if she intended to punish him by making him sick. AM has to go before she answers, telling him that she's only there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Harrison asks her if he's going to live. AM doesn't answer. Oh yeah, like Harrison is actually going to die before this show gets cancelled! Don't even try to build the suspense. She leaves the room, and the lights go out at Her exit.
The Novak. Lily freaks about having to get naked in front of Josh. Apparently they haven't "done it" yet, and Lily thinks Josh will be disappointed with the size of her breasts. Actually, Lily, you may remember the fact that Josh had to go to Booty Camp for commenting on how pleased he was with the size of your breasts, back when you were wearing that napkin shirt. I realize that sexual harassment can cut both ways and everything, but stop being coy.
Meanwhile, Josh is freaking out in front of Sugar Daddy, all nervous about getting naked in front of Lily because he doesn't think he can "measure up." Uh, measure up to whom? The only sexual experience Lily has had so far has been with Carmen, and I hear she's more of a shower than a grower! And how fucking sensitive is it of Josh to make Sugar Daddy his confidante about his own body issues when Sugar has just been released from an eating disorder clinic?
Back to Lily and Sam. Lily wants to go buy herbal supplements to increase the size of her breasts. Lily, skip the herbs and try eating solid food for a change.
Back to Josh and Sugar Daddy. Josh reminds Sugar Daddy of "the swim meet in '97." They don't elaborate about what happened, but I'm assuming that his suit fell off and everyone saw how small he was.
Back again to Lily and Sam. Sam tells Lily that she's suffering from a body image disorder, and that's what landed Brooke in the hospital "hooked up to a bag of sugar water." Okay, Sam? We just saw Brooke and she was not strapped to a bag of sugar water. She looked fine, and furthermore, she was hospitalized because her father found a bag of Cheetos in her purse. If you are scarfing down Cheetos, yes, you may still have an eating disorder, but you are probably getting enough nutrients to live, so what's with the sugar water? At the mention of Brooke and sugar water, Lily comes to her senses and thanks Sam for being her therapist. Sam leaves, and Lily starts doubting herself -- there's even a fantasy sequence with Josh making fun of her breasts. ["I totally don't get this. Josh went out with Brooke, who didn't have one breast in aggregate. What's the big?" -- Sars]
Nicole and Carmen shopping. Bitchy gay salesperson rejects Nicole's cards. Nicole doesn't have enough money. Asks Carmen to lend her sixty bucks. Carmen complies.
The Novak. Lily, who has ignored the advice of the almighty mouthbreather, is taking the breast-enlarging herbal supplements and working out her pecs with Campbell's Soup cans. I wonder if this was one of those deals with Campbell's like they had with The View.
The locker room. Josh takes a hot shower in the hopes that it will enlarge his member while Sugar hangs out with him.
Hospital. Brooke's room. Harrison tells Brooke that he met God. Brooke doesn't believe him and starts freaking out a little. He insists that he's not crazy and wants to find God again so he can ask Her why he got sick. Brooke tells him that he's never going to get an answer.
Sam finds the Campbell's cans in Lily's locker and immediately accuses her of trying to enlarge her breasts the "soup-can way." Lily, instead of telling Sam to shove it, tries to pretend otherwise, but eventually she 'fesses up. Sam accuses her of being "an obsessive personality." Lily is all, "Sam, you're not my shrink. It's just a play." She exits and Carmen enters, asking Sam to borrow money to tide her over until Nicole pays her back. Sam gives her a ten, and Carmen goes over to Nicole to try to get her money back. Nicole is horrified that Carmen is talking to her in school because of the whole anonymity thing and tells Carmen that she doesn't have the money for Carmen. She tells her a sob story about her mother losing her job because she showed up one day wearing a beach robe, thinking she was in Bermuda. Carmen takes pity on her and gives her more money to go out for lunch.
Play rehearsal. Josh and Lily are asked to move a bench to the center of the stage. Between Lily's pec workout and Josh's hot shower, they are both in too much pain to lift and carry the bench. They ask to be excused for a moment. Miss Ross allows it but is obviously suspicious. Sam takes Lily into the Novak and starts "counseling" her. Then Carmen enters and asks Sam if she can borrow more money because Nicole took that last ten she borrowed from Sam. Sam starts accusing Carmen of being Nicole's bottom-feeding bitch. "My name is Carmen," says Sam, accusing Carmen of becoming a classic enabler. "Color me desperate." While I appreciate Sam's newfound clarity on Carmen's basic mindset, I have ask, has she been blind, deaf, and dumb been since the pilot episode? How is this latest scenario any different from the usual ass-kissing of Nicole that Carmen has been participating in since the show began last fall? I guess now that she's playing a shrink on a high-school stage, she's newly aware. While Carmen tries to explain that Nicole is from a fucked-up home (nice anonymity there, Carm!), Lily reaches for one of her breast-developing pills. Sam stops her. Carmen wants to know what pills Lily is taking. Sam hides behind therapist/patient privilege and keeps telling Carmen how pathetic she is. I never thought I'd be typing this, but WORD, Sam! Carmen protests that all she wanted was to borrow ten bucks. She shuffles out of the Novak. Sugar D pokes his head in and announces that Miss Ross wants Lily and Sam to return to rehearsal or their parts will be recast. Sam tells Sugar to send Josh into the Novak so that he and Lily can finally have it out.
Harrison and Brooke stand in the room where Harrison saw God, waiting for Her to show up again. Brooke is cold and wants to give up. Harrison imagines that they have to separate for God to show up, because God traditionally never appears before couples. "Okay," says Brooke. "I'm going to give Her twenty minutes and then I'm going to go back to my room and watch Dharma & Greg." Just before Harrison leaves the room, Brooke expresses her excitement at meeting God.
Josh and Sugar enter the Novak, and Sam makes Sugar "lean against the door" like the attending eunuch that he is so they can have privacy. Sam puts on her "shrink" glasses and asks Josh if he thinks that Lily's breasts are too small. Josh and Sugar give each other a look, and then Josh replies that Lily's breasts are great and that he loves "every inch of them." Sam then gets Josh to admit that he has insecurities about his own body, and preaches at them for what seems like an hour and a half about how their bodies are only containers for their souls and their souls are the most important part of themselves. "You've already seen into each other's souls!" says Sam. "That's the moment when you both really got naked!"
Harrison stands by himself in front of that vending machine, which, as Lilquark astutely pointed out in the forums, SHOULDN'T BE STANDING IN A HOSPITAL WING WHERE PEOPLE ARE BEING TREATED FOR EATING DISORDERS! But I guess this a special holy vending machine, because the lights keep going on and off, and God enters, asking Harrison for change for a five.
Okay, everyone keeps emailing me and asking me if I think these new Old Navy commercials for "sleep bottoms" have a gay subtext because Megan Mullaly of Will & Grace says, "These bottoms are the tops!" at the end. Where have you all been? I mean, did you think for a second that last year's ads with Carrie Donovan, Morgan Fairchild, and George and Weezie Jefferson were aimed at straight people?
So Harrison tries to find change in his "sleep bottoms" and asks if God really has to pay for snacks. "Depends on the hospital," says God, who for some reason has decided to hide her entire neck in her Balenciaga coat while she delivers the line. Harrison is all, "I have a friend who wants to meet you." God is all, "I already saw him," because she thinks he's talking about Clarence. So much for omniscience. She digs around in her purse for change, and all I can think about is that scene in the TV movie production of A Streetcar Named Desire where Ann-Margret as Blanche digs around for change to tip the paper boy with. She can't find any, so she molests him instead. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen during tonight's episode between God and Harrison, because that would actually be interesting and I think the networks just declared a moratorium on that sort of thing for the Friday-night shows this year. Harrison asks God if Clarence is going to survive, and why is She taking such a good person who is only seventeen. "I never said it was an easy decision," says God. "But Clarence hasn't even lived yet!" protests Harrison. "Oh, he has lived," says God. "He's touched the lives of so many people." Harrison isn't reassured by this, so God touches his face to wipe away his tears. She disappears just as Brooke arrives. Harrison tells her that she missed God. Brooke is all, "Maybe I'm not ready to meet her yet." She kisses Harrison on the cheek.
What could be better drama than Carmen's mother confronting her about her enrollment in Alateen…in the hallways of Kennedy? Hey, Mrs. Ferrera? If you're so mortified that Carmen is outing your alcoholism by attending Alateen meetings, you might want to keep your voice down when you bring it up with her in front of the entire school. Anyway, Mrs. Ferrera tries to hit Carmen, but unfortunately, Carmen blocks her and tells her defiantly that she needs to get it together or she's not coming home. Aw! Carmen's being assertive for a change! How cute! Must be that therapy she's getting from Sam. And I am so convinced that this change in Carmen is just going to last forever! She's never going to be the victim again! Oh, and GW Bush is so totally going to heal the bipartisan rancor that plagues our country as well.
Lily and Josh apologize to Miss Ross for holding up the rehearsal. They explain that they had problems stripping in front of each other, but now they're ready thanks to Sam's therapy. Miss Ross tells her stupid white students that she'd never let them get naked in a play for real or she'd LOSE HER JOB. Oh God, I saw that eighteen-wheel truck coming a mile away and I still couldn't get my ass out of the way in time. Instead, they will be doing the nude scene in flesh-colored body suits.
The Novak. April Tuna emerges from one of the stalls in Muff Daddy gear. Carmen enters from another stall. Then April goes back into her stall when Nicole enters. Nicole comments on how drunk Carmen's mom was and hopes aloud that she could still find her car in the parking lot. Carmen asks Nicole for her money back. Nicole doesn't give it back. Go Nicole! Carmen threatens to tell the school what she knows about Nicole's family. Nicole is all, "You don't know jack about my family. I don't come from a family of alkies. I only go to those stupid meetings to see beautiful Brad!" "You owe me $70," says Carmen, ripping off Nicole's shirt and choker in order to hang onto them for collateral. April Tuna gasps at all the drama from her stall. "Oh, and you might want to take another look at your family," says Carmen before she exits the Novak. "Because no one gets to be the way you are without a little help." Nicole stands there mortified. April Tuna leaves her stall again and gives Nicole a shit-eating grin. "What are you looking at, Salmonella?" says Nicole, in a total shout-out to my comments a couple of recaps ago when I said her hair made her look like she worked in salmon cannery. "That's President Salmonella!" says April Tuna. Words cannot express how much I love Nicole/Tammy right this moment, as she boldly puts her purse over her shoulder and exits the Novak wearing only a bra.
Rehearsal for Equus. Miss Ross guides the cast through the "nude" scene. She tries to get them into the mood with music. Said music turns out to be "Endless Love," by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie. Whatever. Josh and Lily are so caught up in the moment that they take off their flesh-colored body suits and get naked for real. Miss Ross tries to stop them and get the stage lights turned out, but the whole stage crew is so obsessed with how small Josh's penis is and how clearly they can see Lily's sternum that they are paralyzed.
The hospital. Clarence appears (suspiciously incandescent) at the doorway of Harrison's room on a skateboard. "Get out of bed, I want to show you something," says Clarence, producing a second skateboard. They go downstairs to skateboard in the tunnels in the basement. Harrison remembers that he wants to introduce Clarence to Brooke, so they go pick her up. And although it's really obvious that Clarence's unearthly glow indicates that he's died recently and is appearing to Harrison in a vision, Harrison thinks the vision is real and that his prayers that Clarence's life be saved were answered by Ann-Margret.
Nicole arrives early to an Alateen meeting and finds that Brad has been replaced by much less camera-friendly counselor. "Are you sure you're in the right place?" says the new fat Alateen moderator just as Carmen enters the room. "Uh, yeah," says Nicole, humbly taking a seat by herself as pseudo-Third Eye Blind plays in the background. The lyrics involve something about "living forever."
And speaking of "eternity," in terms of both metaphysics and how long this episode seemed to drag on for, Harrison and Brooke meet Clarence in the basement halls with their skateboards. Brooke remarks at how healthy Clarence looks, considering how close to death he was just three days prior. Harrison agrees, and tells her he's sorry she didn't get to meet God. "That's okay," says Brooke. "I think I'm getting a sense of what She may be like." She beams beatifically and her very own skateboard appears at her feet. The three enlightened teens skate into the light -- the way I wish this show would.