Bio’s classroom. Bio is passing back what seems to be the forty-third mega-important Biology exam this semester. Everyone is anxious and Bio tramples everyone’s frail nerves by complaining about what a sorry bunch of students they are: "If I wanted to squander my talents, I could have kept my job at The Home Show passing out chisels."
Class is dismissed. Bio asks to see Emory Dick after class. Emory tells Harrison to wait up. Since when do Harrison and Emory hang? Bio tells Emory that due to his bad grade on that last exam, she’s going to have to flunk him for the semester. Since when does a test given really early on in the second semester make that much of a difference when she gives a test just about every eleven minutes anyway? I mean, he could totally pull his grade up. Never mind, that’s not the point. The point here is that Emory is being dumped on by Bio in a big way.
Emory is all pissed about it when he talks to Harrison in the hall. Harrison tells Emory that Bio picks a student every year to flunk. Okay, can I just ask where are these American public high schools where mean teachers flunk their students just because they’re mean? I have never heard of a single high school in the country, private or public, in which you couldn’t basically get a C or above by simply showing up for class and handing in all your assignments. Emory vows to do something about this. They walk past Sam and Lily, who listen to Emory’s diatribe. Sam is sporting Toni Braxton circa "Unbreak My Heart" hair this episode.
Two hours later, Emory walks into school accompanied by an adult male we’ve never seen before. I have always imagined Emory to be the kind of high-school kid who would have a boyfriend in his thirties. As they walk past the Blondes, Nicole trips Emory. Emory and his counsel exit and Carmen is telling the cheerleaders how she made her beaded barrette all by herself and that she has enough beads left to make barrettes for everyone on the squad. Carmen, just hand out twenty-dollar bills already. Brooke is especially nice about Carmen’s offer, but Nicole turns it down by saying that it wouldn’t look good on her since she doesn’t have a square-shaped head. This comment makes Mary Cherry surreptitiously pat her own head in order to check its dimensions. Emory arrives at the Browns’ locker row and introduces his adult male friend to the gang. Turns out this guy is Wesley Chu, Emory’s lawyer, and he’s suing the school. D’oh!
Credits. Get those parents out of the credits, they have less screen time than Nat does on .
Principal Hall’s office. Wesley Chu explains to Principal Hall that his client’s bad grades are a direct result of chronic harassment. When he opens his briefcase to find the list of people who harass Emory, a bunch of junk-food wrappers fall out, which Principal Hall notices despite the fact that she’s blind; I guess she just heard them crinkling. Unable to find the list, he asks Emory to elaborate. Emory names as his harassers: Nicole Julian, Mary Cherry, Sugar Daddy Bernadino, Josh Ford, Bobby Glass, and Vera Krupps (the lunch lady). Principal Hall kicks Emory’s boyfriend, I mean lawyer, out of her office and then expresses her surprise that Emory would resort to something so sleazy and foolish. Emory describes how hellish his life is at Kennedy. Principal Hall decides to compromise, and allows him to seek justice in a school trial. Whatever that is. Emory goes off by himself into an elaborate fantasy of exacting revenge on his tormentors. It involves Nicole, MC, SD et. al. being tortured with electrodes while strapped to posts. I don’t know what this scene is supposed to be parodying.
Cafeteria. Carmen is at the Browns’ table, dividing up her lunch into two smaller meals so she can eat one half of her lunch with the Blondes and the other half with the Browns. Yeah, god forbid a fat girl like Carmen should just eat her meal already and then hang with both groups. I guess she just has to be eating every single second of lunch period. So anyway, the Browns get all pissy that they have to share Carmen with the cheerleaders, so Carmen grabs her half lunch and goes off to hang with the Blondes. As soon as she leaves, Emory Dick takes her seat and asks Harrison, who he refers to as his best friend, to serve as his prosecutor for the school trial. Again, since when are Harrison and Emory best buddies? I thought that Harrison said pretty specifically in the Christmas episode that the Browns studiously avoid Emory Dick and the chess club. Harrison turns Emory down because he doesn’t see how winning a school trial could really make a difference. Emory tells Harrison that if convicted, his harassers wouldn’t be able to socialize on school grounds anymore. Okay, now this show has really veered off in an insane direction. How on earth can a school legislate who hangs with who? Are they going to hire social guards? It’s not even constitutional. Also, if that’s the only punishment, what kind of justice is that for someone like Bio or Vera Krupps, the lunch lady, when they’ve never hung out with each other or the Blondes? Furthermore, when did Emory go from being that guy who sells things to being that guy who always gets picked on? Emory exits. Lily and Sam think that Harrison should have taken the case because Emory has a point. Harrison counters by asking Lily if she ever bought one of Emory’s "butt-bolos" and reminding Sam about how much she wanted to "glue Emory’s locker shut" after he’d been mean to Carmen. Lily and Sam don’t like being called hypocrites, so they plan to represent Emory in the trial. Harrison leaves the table and walks past the Blondes’ table, where Josh is telling a story about some guy who has his legs up in the air. What? Oh wait. They’re talking about wrestling and the guy with his legs up in the air cuts a fart. The girls are grossed out (as am I) and are having trouble keeping down the rice cake that they’re all splitting. Principal Hall appears at the table and asks Brooke to come to her office to discuss an important matter: Emory Dick. Nicole asks Principal Hall what is so important about Emory Dick. Principal Hall says to Nicole, "When I ask the organ grinder a question, I don’t expect the monkey to answer." Ouch. Principal Hall exits and Brooke wonders aloud what is so important that she needs to discuss with Principal Hall. "I’ve never said two words to Emory Dick," says Brooke and stares straight in front of her, realizing that Emory is in her line of vision and facing her. She smiles at him. Later, in the hallway, while Emory Dick brushes his teeth at a water fountain, Sam and Lily approach him and volunteer to be his prosecutors.
The Palace Kitchen. While Sam, Lily, and Carmen have an after-school snack, Sam and Lily talk about Emory’s case while Carmen ignores them, staring into a mirror at her square-shaped head and wondering if what Nicole said was true. Lily insults the cheerleaders, but then, remembering that Carmen has become one, she apologizes quickly. Carmen is all, why are you apologizing? Lily is all, because I know you’re friends with them. "I didn’t become a cheerleader because I’m some sort of Nicole wannabe," says Carmen. Actually, Carmen, as I recall from the last act of the second episode, you told Nicole you wanted to be her. I think that clearly defines you as a "wannabe." Brooke enters and announces to Sam that she’s defending the school against Emory. Sam and Lily tell her that they’re prosecuting. Sam and Brooke argue. For a change. Brooke turns to Carmen for back-up. Carmen is all Justin Henry, the kid they fought over in Kramer vs. Kramer, and takes her "brownie to go," making sure that, as the fat girl, she is never without food, not even for a second.
Josh and Sugar Daddy check out the wrestling trophy case. They gaze at the photos of past champions and get psyched for participating this season. As they stare into the case, Freddy Gong bumps into them. They say to him, rightly, "Hey, watch where you’re going." Freddy, all man with the law on his side, tells them to watch where they’re going. Freddy tells them that he’s on the jury for Emory’s trial and they’re going down. Josh and Sugar look confused.
The Novak. Carmen is holding a defense subpoena and a prosecution subpoena. Torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool, she looks desperately at each one all Drew Barrymore in Irreconcilable Differences. Sam and Brooke enter the Novak and start nudging Carmen over who she’s going to testify for. "Don’t ask me to choose," simpers Carmen. Brooke and Sam both grab their subpoenas out of poor widdle Carmen’s hands and tear them up.
First day of court. People’s Court music plays, and a narrator gives an introduction to the case. We see that Miss Ross, now known as Judge Ross (her nameplate reads "call me Judge Ross"), presides over the case. The first witness is Vera Krupps, an older lady wearing a hairnet. Sam questions her while wearing a men’s waistcoat and a loosened tie. I can just see the meeting between the director and the costume person: "In this scene, I want a smart girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I want to see a girl who hates patriarchy. I want a vest. I want a man’s shirt. I want a loosened tie. Goddammit, I want to see Jo from Facts of Life, capisce?" Carmen watches all Cindy-Brady-worried-that-Mike-and-Carol-are-getting-a-divorce from the back of the courtroom while Sam goes over the lunch lady’s account of an incident she had with Emory. A flashback shows us that Emory questioned Vera all rudely about what kind of meat was in the lasagna and did it have hooves or ears in it, and that she hit him with a spatula. During the cross-examination, Brooke lets it be known that Emory’s haranguing of Vera that day held up the lunch line almost twenty minutes and caused delays. As a result, she argues, everyone who had lunch that period had to wolf down their food so they’d be on time for their class and subsequently suffered from indigestion.
Josh takes the stand. Sam questions him about the time he gave Emory a "swirly." Through another flashback, we see Emory being really rude to Josh and Sugar Daddy while they shower, calling them Neanderthals and taunting them about losing a football game. Josh and Sugar Daddy shove Emory’s head into the toilet and flush. Sam finishes questioning Josh, and Brooke argues on cross-examination that Josh was only doing the proper thing. He was defending the school’s honor in life as he does normally on the football field.
Harrison takes the stand . Sam gets him to testify that Emory was traumatized by the swirly and has never showered in the locker room since (thus his brushing his teeth earlier in the water fountain). Brooke cross-examines Harrison and produces evidence that Harrison was in fact in the stall while Emory was getting his swirly but did nothing to stop the torture. I don’t understand how this helps Brooke’s case, but hey, I’ve seen more preposterous arguments on this show and I still tune in every week with bated breath. Upon hearing that Harrison betrayed Emory, the chess club calls for his head. Then we get a nice shot of April Tuna in the audience calling Harrison a "serpent." Thanks to the tireless efforts of the continuity editor, she is still in the remains of the cast she got during the last episode. "Judas!" screams May Tuna, who stands to her. "You will rot in hell," screams April. Where the fuck where these girls when they were casting The Crucible? Judge Ross bangs her gavel and calls for order.
Back in an empty classroom during a court recess, Carmen and the cheerleaders do another of those tightly shot, highly edited "dance" sequences. Carmen still has no rhythm. Brooke enters and the Blondes congratulate her on her legal expertise. Brooke wants to get the girls ready for their testimony. As Carmen excuses herself to go practice by herself in the girls’ locker room, Nicole and Mary Cherry get all snippy about how Carmen isn’t testifying on behalf the Glamazons. Brooke explains that Carmen is in an awkward position and should be excused from having to testify, and she tells them to drop it. "Someone wants to have her cake and eat it, too," says Mary Cherry. "Someone who shouldn’t be eating cake," sneers Nicole. Meow. Carmen turns to the Blondes all nonchalant and ironic, wishing them luck in the courtroom. Could be a false alarm, but I think I may have seen a tiny bit of spine on La Ferrera. Stay tuned.
In an empty hallway, Harrison comes face-to-face with Sam and Lily. They look at him all disapprovingly -- a look they’ve had a lot of practice perfecting, mind you. Harrison explodes about how the school is a war zone because of this trial and Emory is just bitter about getting an F instead of a D. Lily accuses him of not taking Emory’s case because of his cowardly behavior while Emory was getting a swirly. Emory enters to talk to Sam and Lily some more about the case and pointedly ignores Harrison. Harrison stomps off. Sam and Lily ask Emory if he’s sure he really wants to continue with the trial due to all the damage that it’s causing the school. Emory defends his right to be heard and asserts that he’s going to fight this to the end.
The Palace kitchen. Sam is up late, taking notes on a book. Just what is in this book? Is it a blow-by-blow description of every little thing that happens in Kennedy High that some person just publishes? Shouldn’t she be interviewing future witnesses instead? Brooke enters in her midriff-baring pajamas. She taunts Sam about how badly her case is going and asks her if she’s thinking of walking away from the whole mess. They fight some more. Brooke flaunts her abs. I hit the fast-forward button on my VCR. Sam’s mother comes down all thrilled that she finally has some lines in this episode and urges the girls to stop fighting and get to bed. Brooke wanders upstairs and Sam bitches about Brooke to her mother. Mrs. McPherson asks Sam if she really believes that Emory was wronged. Sam replies affirmatively and says that she really wants to help Emory. Mrs. McPhearson gives Sam her blessing and encourages her to do the right thing.
The day in court, Bio takes the stand. Sam asks how many students Bio has flunked in the past. Bio tells Sam that she resents being on trial and that flunking Emory had nothing to do with harassment. Emory, she asserts, is too lazy and disruptive to pass her class. Sam asks Lily to hit play on the boom box. Tony Orlando and Dawn’s "Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy" starts playing, agitating Bio. Sam asks Bio if the song has any significance to her. Bio starts to sweat. We go to a flashback of Bio rocking out to "Sweet Gypsy" when she thinks she’s alone in her classroom. Emory witnesses her pelvic-thrusting enthusiasm when he drops by looking for extra help. Bio gets really embarrassed at being caught and orders him out of her classroom. The day in class, Emory starts whistling "Sweet Gypsy" in order to freak Bio out. Bio loses it and makes Emory, looking downright frail in his brown turtleneck, stand up in front of the whole class and dance: "I said DANCE!" Back from the flashback, Sam proposes to the jury that Bio has it in for Emory because he knew about her love for Tony Orlando and Dawn. Bio, for no real discernable reason, does a really bad Jack Nicholson imitation ("You can’t handle the truth!") and vows to squash Emory and Sam like a bug. Brooke has no questions for Bio.
Brooke and Sugar Daddy go over testimony at Brooke’s locker and then Sugar takes off to go see Principal Hall, who wants to speak to him. When Sugar arrives in Principal Hall’s office, she has some news for him. She tells him that the new wrestling coach doesn’t want him on the team because he’s too fat. She tells him that she had to break the news to him instead of the coach doing it because there was no money left in the budget to hire an actor to play the wrestling coach, so they gave the scene to Principal Hall. Oh wait -- really, the reason she has to tell him was that, as a blind woman, she can relate to Sugar Daddy’s "disability." Sugar is horrified that his weight is considered a disability and heartbroken that he can’t wrestle. He stomps off, leaving Principal Hall looking sad.
Outside the courtroom, Carmen paces back and forth while Harrison sits nearby. Will someone in the costume department get this girl a pair of jammies with feet and a security blanket already? Carmen asks Harrison if he knows anything about who’s winning. Harrison replies that "your team is winning." Carmen asks what he means by "my team." Harrison archly says that he doesn’t know. Carmen, showing just a little more spine, reminds him that he’s one to talk. Careful, Carmen -- don’t overdo it, you might strain something.
Sugar Daddy is on the stand, fresh from his horrifying talk with Principal Hall. Sam questions him about the notorious swirly. He claims he doesn’t remember. Sam asks about other times that he’s harassed Emory. Again, he claims he doesn’t remember. Sam gets all in Sugar’s face over his short memory. Sugar Daddy goes off on a tirade about how Emory is not the only person who gets picked on. For instance, he points out, he can’t wrestle because he’s too fat. He flees the courtroom as everyone gasps in sympathy; an overhead-cam shot follows him out, and I have to say that when they shoot him from above like that, he really does look huge.
Mary Cherry, Nicole, and Brooke are in the Novak preparing Mary Cherry for her testimony. Mary Cherry reassures the girls that she’ll totally turn the tide. For one, she says, she’s wearing a sympathetic outfit (her t-shirt says "Prada Or Death") and secondly, she can cry on a dime; she refers to a time when she wailed so hard at a family funeral that several of her cousins had to drag her out kicking and screaming. "We need more than tears," says Brooke and points out mournfully that the whole school has seen Mary Cherry go into hysterics over sweat stains. Carmen sticks her head into the room. The girls plead with her to help them and testify as a witness. Carmen agrees, and the scene goes all sorority-girl-lesbian-porn as they usher Carmen in and close the door ominously behind her.
Mary Cherry takes the stand. She flirts with the jurors and tells the courtroom that she and Emory are lab partners in Biology. Then she laughs hysterically, implies that Emory is her lover, and for no reason just cries hysterically until they drag her out of the courtroom. Whatever. I do not like the direction the writers are taking with Mary Cherry’s character. She has totally crossed the line into freakdom and it’s not funny anymore. Miss Ross calls for final witnesses. Brooke calls Carmen Ferrera to the stand. Sam objects to a surprise witness, but Lily wants to hear what Carmen is going to say. Carmen takes the stand. Brooke asks her about the time Emory sold her a doctor’s note to get her out of a biology test. The excuse the "doctor" gave was "distended anus." I like that the writers are once again referring to an actual past plot element. Brooke establishes that Carmen was not a Glamazon at the time, and tries to get Carmen to elaborate on how embarrassing the situation was. Carmen, in a shocking removal of her lips from Brooke’s butt, defends Emory and his ways. Brooke is alarmed that her witness is not spouting the party line and tries to have Carmen removed from the stand. Carmen makes a dumb-ass feel-good speech, for no reason, about her quest to be just like Brooke and become a cheerleader and how empty it all turned out to be, and then announces that she’s quitting cheerleading, much to the delight of all the Browns. Then they do that whole TV cliché thing where there’s total silence for a moment and then one person claps loudly and slowly and gradually the whole school joins in and the applause builds and soon everyone is giving Carmen a standing ovation. For what? Carmen suddenly coming to the realization that the cheerleaders are mean and superficial? Like that took a lot of figuring out. And what the hell did any of that have to do with Emory being harassed?
Sugar Daddy approaches Brooke’s locker and apologizes for blowing her case. Brooke tells him that it’s hardly his fault and wonders if maybe the Blondes really should disband. Sugar Daddy tells Brooke that he was kicked off the wrestling team because he was too fat. Brooke is outraged and vows to fight for Sugar to be reinstated. Sugar refuses Brooke’s help and tells her that the problem is not the system, it’s him. He just has to lose weight. Sugar and Brooke hug, and it would be a totally touching moment if it weren’t for the horrifying way that Brooke sticks her butt out toward the camera as she bends over to put her arms around Sugar Daddy.
Miss Ross addresses the jury and schedules a meeting. Each member of the jury whips out an identical orange organizer, unzips it, and starts writing in it. Miss Ross asks the jury where they got their organizers. The scene shifts abruptly to Principal Hall’s office. Principal Hall declares a mistrial because Mary Cherry bribed the jury with organizers. Number 1: Not that I don’t agree with the verdict, but I think that Miss Ross, the judge, is the only one who is qualified to declare a mistrial. Number 2: Mary Cherry only gave them binder-type organizers? Why didn’t she give them Palm Pilots? Mary, again you’re a total disappointment this episode. As everyone is being instructed to start the trial all over again, Emory decides to withdraw his case. Sam and Lily ask him to reconsider, because it looks like they could totally win the case. Emory says that all he wanted from this case was respect from his peers and he feels he has it just because Sam, Lily, and Carmen stood up for him in front of the entire school.
Later in the hall, Harrison approaches Sam, Lily, and Emory. He tries to speak to Emory but Emory isn’t having any of it. Harrison tells Emory how impressed he was with him for taking the Blondes to court and how he’s totally proud to be Emory’s best friend from now on and won’t ever hesitate to defend him in the future. Emory softens a little and Harrison asks if they can go get a burger. Emory asks whether Harrison is paying. Harrison rolls his eyes and says yes. Emory accepts, provided they can watch Don Knotts in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken on laser disc afterwards. They walk off down the hall as NAMBLA elects them cute couple of the millennium. Lily to Sam: "He is so weird."