By Amorgan
Meanwhile, Sam has done all of the work at their lab station, and the biology teacher predictably compliments their work while looking straight at Brooke. All Sam did was draw a big red T on the frog’s stomach anyway. Throughout the class, Carmen has been anxiously waiting for Sam to put in that good word for her with Brooke. Sam, spineless loser that she is, fails completely.
Cut to cheerleading tryouts. The gym doors swing open, and Brooke and Smug Bitch stride in in slow motion, looking very sassy indeed. While I adore the color scheme of their uniforms (baby blue and spring green), I can’t say that I know of any school that would adopt those colors as its own. All the high schools I’ve ever known of have colors like maroon and gold, or purple and white. It is Jacqueline Kennedy High School, and those colors do befit the former First Lady’s exquisite taste. But it’s a stretch to imagine that people like school superintendents would be that thoughtful. At any rate, the blondes tell the herd of applicants to mimic their routine one at a time. A completely gratuitous Club MTV cheerleading sequence ensues, and the tryouts commence. Just before the scene ends, Mary Cherry delivers my favorite line of the whole show: "Um, y’all? Do I have to do the splits? I’m a Christian." If you don’t have the good fortune to live in Texas, you might not realize how completely perfect this line is. Let me assure you that thus far there has been nothing exaggerated in Mary Cherry’s characterization. High school girls from Dallas are just like this.
Cut to drama tryouts. A sweetly overwrought geek named Freddie Gong screeches through the intro to a Rogers and Hammerstein song while the drama teacher watches in horror. I don’t know what he was expecting -- this ain’t the set of Fame, girlfriend.
Cut to Josh anxiously checking his watch during football practice. Only forty-five minutes until auditions end. What to do, what to do? Josh keeps practicing.
And back to cheerleading tryouts. Mary Cherry lurches through her dance routine, looking like an animated corpse from the Circus of the Grotesque. Smug Bitch smiles at her beatifically. Then Carmen comes in, looking like a Winger groupie let loose on the set of American Bandstand (she is definitely my favorite character so far) and proceeds to jiggle her way through a dance routine that is, supposedly, "really good." We don’t actually see much of this really good dance number. What we do see is a lot of cuts from Carmen shaking her ass and smiling seductively to Brooke nodding and smiling in approval. Brooke leans over to SB and says, "Wow! She’s really good!" SB sneers (can she do anything else?) and quips, "Uh-huh. Good ‘n’ plenty." Stop it, SB, you’re killing me! You’re too clever! Um, not.
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