So, this is it. The last recap of Popstars. My mother told me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Unfortunately, that doesn't get a recap finished, so don't tell my mom about this. It sucks that this is the best episode so far, by the way.
So, they do a quick recap in the beginning of the episode to remind us who made it to the workshop, but I'm relying on your intellect to remember.
LAX. Montage of people arriving and getting their luggage from baggage claim.
This is the first time Jillion's ever been on a plane, she informs us. To celebrate, she shellacked her face in blue shimmer and lined her eyes so dark it looks like she got punched twice. "It's awesome," she says. "This is the first time I've ever been on a plane ride. So it was different." That girl needs to get her ass some schooling pronto.
Josh Henderson won't stop talking about his ankle.
Everyone's half-dressed in their hotel rooms, meeting their roommates for the first time. They have to pretty up because they're going out to meet the judges at some E-list night club. Moi has a toothbrush almost as big as his gigantic mouth.
Monika Christian (the girl with the baby, but the other girl, not the one with the new baby. This is Old Baby's mama), reminds us that this is her dream.
Vanessa pulls her eyelid to her temple and smears mascara on as she bitches that the guys don't have to do anything to get ready.
Josh and FM stare at each other half-naked. FM hasn't even bothered to wipe his mouth from brushing his teeth.
The girls are all fancied up. That Donavan kid is still wearing his bandanna.
StripperKatie shows off her tight black dress and shows us just how tight and how black it is and wiggles her body for us.
Kim Caldwell tells us that they're having a "blast" so far, but she says it in a way that we know they haven't been fed, had anything to drink, sat down, or figured out what they're doing there yet. Josh and Kim tell us that the judges haven't shown up yet, and they don't know when they're going to arrive.
The judges finally show, and Jaymes tells everyone that they're "hot." Jaymes has put highlights in her already laughable hairstyle. She flirts with FM and tells him that they call him "B-Boy."
Crapcock feels up Vanessa and Kim at the same time. Gross. Gosh, that Kim is pretty.
PseudoTravis welcomes everyone to Los Angeles and now suddenly it's dark. "Welcome to the real world," he says. Whatever that means. He reminds them that they all worked hard and that now they're going to work even harder. He tells them that people are going to get cut over the three days, and any of them could go at any time, so they should remember that at least they made it to Los Angeles. Then all three judges run out of there.
I'm so happy the narrator's leaving my life: "With the judges gone, the party begins!"
Vanessa's bikini is practically see-through as she jumps into the pool. People are jumping from roofs, tumbling into hot tubs, and looking mostly naked. Everyone's flirting, pulling off clothes, and getting nasty. Why can't I see more of this footage? Where's the booze? "Life cannot get any better," Tenia AllMeA Taylor tells us.
The cameraman loves Vanessa in her bikini and follows her mostly naked body out of the hot tub. I can see almost her entire ass.
I guess everyone already got drunk and now they're depressed. Laurie is pouting in her hotel room. Tenia is wondering what she just got herself into. Wait, wasn't she just living it up? Was the woman in the hot tub actually Old Baby's Mama, saying that her life finally got good?
Corey Clark tells us from under his giant fro that he's trying not to get too attached to anyone because they could get cut any day and he doesn't want to be depressed when people get cut. Jahzeel Mumford is under Corey's arm, and he's very upset now, because he thought he and Corey had something special. Don't worry too much about getting attached, Corey, since this is the first time we've ever seen you. You're sure to be cut week.
Jackie and Vanessa are sucking each other's toes on the floor of their hotel room. They agree not to think about what would happen if someone tore their love apart by sending one of them home.
I don't understand why everyone had to bring all of their luggage to the audition in the morning, but people are lugging giant bags up the stairs. ["Maybe it's like going to Tribal Council on Survivor, where you have to be prepared at any second to get booted?" -- Wing Chun]
Tenia tells us that she's not here to make friends, and that she just wants to be in a group. I guess those other two ladies earlier weren't Tenia. Who the hell cares, really? But for real, it's been how many weeks and I don't know all of the finalists by name? Sucks. Tenia tells us that she's going to be competitive.
By the way, I already know all of the moves to this audition piece. That's right. I'm an ass kicker. I said it.
Jillion tells us that if she gets cut today she'll be devastated and will go home crying.
They start learning the first eight count. The narrator tells us that this "hot new track" the kids are dancing to was written by Crapcock, his writing partner Alex G., Rodney Jerkins, and *NSYNC's J.C. Could I get another person writing this chorus? Man. How intricate could this song be?
The choreography is basically this: pretend you're a mannequin slowly coming to life when electric currents race through your body after every eight count. Dorothy's about to fall on her ass because she can't easily go from energetic to still. She tells us that she doesn't want to go home and wants to work her butt off for the six months in Los Angeles. At least she knows just how long her pop career will last.
PseudoTravis tells Josh that if he messes up, he has to keep going. The narrator reminds us about Josh's bum ankle. Josh babbles on to us about his ankle, as if we still care about the thing. It's been, like, eight weeks. Josh almost says the word "ass" and changes it to "legs," for some reason.
PseudoTravis walks through the dancers and says, "Focus, personality, attitude, choreography, perfection." I have no idea how to punctuate that sentence.
StripperKatie has no problem with this choreography.
Sharra Dade is a receptionist from Brooklyn. She's the Tan in a Can girl. She is clearly out of her element here, dancing like she's terrified someone will see her dancing. She tells us that she's not the best dancer in the world, but that she doesn't suck entirely, and she "can be taught," which is the most important thing. Is it? I thought it was dancing. Or singing. Or something like that.
Every auditioner has to do the routine solo in front of PseudoTravis. Everyone panics.
18% of you think that PseudoTravis is pushing the auditoners "way too hard" too soon. By having them learn a routine?
The narrator recaps the past four episodes for us again. See? Even they can't remember what's happening. Monika reminds us again that this is her dream, and that she's going to pursue it "no matter what happens." Easy, Monika. Remember what happened to Alexis.
Laurie tells us that she'd really like to stay. Oh. She's growing on me, being all cute and small.
The narrator tells us that several are going to get cut tonight and sent home. Then they edit in all of this footage that doesn't relate to one another so it looks like Jahzeel and Laurie get cut and that PseudoTravis hates Laurie.
Okay, so they've been learning these three eight counts for two hours. Now they have to do it one at a time in front of PseudoTravis and they're terrified. PseudoTravis tells everyone over and over again not to stop if they screw up but to keep going in the routine.
Monika tells us that you have to stay happy and have fun if you want to get through this without wanting to kill yourself. She's up first. The narrator reminds us that she's Old Baby's Mama. She's also the girl with the dream. We know. We get it. We see her get through the first eight count without a problem.
StripperKatie isn't having any problems, either, since she's used to doing this routine on a pole. She tells us that she used to say, "Watch me!" all the time as a kid. And now she says, "Watch me and pay me for it! Stick the money to my asshole!"
Vanessah Salvucci's fucking up left and right, y'all. She just stops and starts to leave and then goes back into it and juts her tummy around and looks lost. She tells us in a split screen that it's all scary because she knows she knows the routine, but she'll still screw it up by losing focus.
Donavan Green can dance like a motherfucker. Tenia tells us that Donavan is going to be the Popstar and that people are going to be introducing him. He smiles at us and plays with this salad, saying he doesn't know about that. The classroom erupts in applause when Donovan's finished dancing.
Kim Caldwell tries to start dancing, but she's all half-hearted and stops. Jaymes walks up and asks whether she's feeling sick. Kim admits that she is. PseudoTravis asks whether she's eaten today. She hasn't. PseudoTravis starts yelling that she's been dancing all day and she hasn't eaten and she's retarded. Jaymes tells her to go get some orange juice and water. Jillion is sending poison daggers as she watches Kim get special treatment for being pretty.
Kim goes back into a dressing room and pouts. Shariana Suliafu tells us she can't believe Kim would just stop like that, since they've worked so hard to get there and now she just blew her audition. Kim turns around and hurls into a trash can. It's all that pink she's wearing; it overheated her poor little body. Nobody can handle that much fuschia in one day. She calls someone on her cell phone to say that she's sick. She's all overheated, obviously, as we can see since her face now matches her clothing.
Lian tells us that they just finished dancing and now they're going to do learn the song they're dancing to. It's called "He Said/ She Said." Because they couldn't find anything more clichéd. The kids have about half an hour to learn the lyrics, and they all walk around singing to each other. Sharra Dade gets all up in the camera's face, pouting and singing. That girl's so cut. I love how Monika's got her hand cupped over her ear, like she's somehow got a monitor. Jackie sings like he's sitting on a toilet on fire. Jillion and Vanessa hug each other when they finish singing.
The kids file into the Singing Room as the narrator reminds us that this is their last chance to make an impression until their last chance tomorrow, the day, and the coming weeks. They're going up two at a time to sing.
First is Moi and Tenia. We don't hear Tenia. Moi's voice is warbly.
Miredys Peguero is still a stranger to us. So is Corey Clark. The two strangers sing, and I refuse to recap them since we'll never know anything about them anyway.
Jayzeel and Shannon sing. They're fine.
Greg and Laurie are together. I like Laurie's singing voice. She tells us that she didn't feel all that confident when she was dancing. How come her voice isn't so annoying anymore? She says she thinks she did better on the singing. Crapcock asks Greg and Laurie to sing "less Broadway" and more street. Doesn't that sound like "Don't sing so good; moan like Britney"? They do it again, and I'm sure it's just as Broadway. Greg can't help it, y'all. Crapcock doesn't say a word.
Jillion and Donavan are grooving to their own beats. Jillion just points in the air like she's Christina, but we don't hear her sing.
StripperKatie's strong point is definitely not singing. Josh falls to the ground and screams, "Aah!"
Sharra Dade is so out of here. Tom Tusler, too. It's not fair that they're paring up the people who don't have a chance so that they have even less of a chance. They can't even fade into the background of someone great. When Sharra and Tom stop singing horribly, Jaymes tells them that she's not believing what they're singing. I can't believe it either, Jaymes, but you flew them to L.A. "Your vocal performance has to match the intensity of the lyric of the song," she says. The narrator reminds us that Tom's just a big ol' jock who can pick up dance steps easily. They sing it again, and Sharra focuses all of her intensity into pointing one finger and singing with a lisp. Tom's intensity is focused in his determined squint and one extended thumb. Again, Crapcock doesn't say anything.
Michael and Kim sing. Crapcock stops them and asks them to project and emote and sing like they're performers. He wants them to sing it like he wrote it. He wants to hear his song in their mouths. Like he wrote more than 15% of the song. They sing it again as Michael tells us in a split screen that he feels okay about his audition, but you know he wishes he wasn't paired with Pukey Jones the quitter. Kim tells us that she thinks she did okay in the singing and she hopes the puke thing doesn't kill her. The kids stop singing and Jaymes all but falls to her knees in tears rejoicing. Everyone has to applaud, even though they all hate Kim.
Everyone's finished, and PseudoTravis makes everyone applaud for themselves. Jackie's pouty.
Everyone waits in a green room as they're called one by one to find out if they get to come back tomorrow.
It's raining outside. Hollywood is raining. That's how bad this show is. It made it rain in L.A.
Monika is first. Jaymes asks whether Monika misses her baby. She doesn't. But she admits she called home once. She reminds the judges that the baby lives with her daddy, and that Monika isn't really her mama anymore. They invite her back. Monika hugs PseudoTravis and celebrates out in the green room. Jahzeel holds her.
Tom tells us he's nervous. He enters the room. PseudoTravis asks how he did today. Tom says he can learn choreography easily. Jaymes says that Tom has the talent and the ability to fit into any genre...except pop. She tells him they don't think he'd be happy performing pop. They don't call him back. In the hallway during sad strummy music, Tom repeats what the judges told him. The other auditioners hug him goodbye.
Jackie and Vanessa are making out as the narrator recaps the past twenty minutes. Laurie tells us that she hopes she's not eliminated. Inside the Judges' Room, Jaymes tells Laurie that she can't hold back, and she's got to really put herself out there. They ask her back. Laurie sighs and starts crying. She thanks them. Everyone celebrates in the green room.
FM's turn. Jaymes tells FM that he's a showoff. "You're a rebel," PseudoTravis spits. FM starts shaking his head, trying to play the innocent, as the judges continue to tell him he's bad news and that's not good for a pop band. You hear that, Jacob Underwood? Donnie Wahlberg? A.J.? Nobody likes a bad boy in a pop group. They, of course, invite him back, but they try to humble him. FM tries to blame this on being Mexican, for some reason. FM doesn't bounce out of the room, but quietly accepts his good fortune.
Jillion says: "Getting cut? Today? Going home on an airplane? Is the most scariest feeling in my whole life that I've ever had to go through." Girl. Get in school. Please. Jaymes gives Jillion a once-over that reads "Three Makeovers, at Least," and asks Jillion how she feels she did today. Jillion says she wasn't that strong on the dancing, and felt intimidated. Jaymes tells Jillion that she has a great voice. She says that they agree with her on her dance skills. Jillion starts crying as they tell her that she can sing and was probably the best singer out of six thousand, but they don't want her in the group. Jillion cries and says she understands. She wipes her tears with her French tips.
Laurie holds Jillion out in the hallway. Angela is shocked. Vanessa hugs her as well, getting her bad luck all over her. Jillion is sobbing in a back hallway somewhere. "I'm coming home," she cries into her cell phone.
Jackie's turn. Crapcock asks if he thinks he's a lead vocalist or a supporting vocalist. Jackie smartly answers that he's a supporting vocalist. They all agree with him and allow him to come back tomorrow because he knows he's not the best or the brightest, but he's at least willing to give up all original thought or ideas to become what they want. Jackie thanks them and shouts to the green room, "We're good to go!" Everyone starts cheering. One. Two. Three. Vanessa jumps and is Velcroed to his chest. He nuzzles her neck as everyone else in the room has to turn away so they don't pull a Kim.
Vanessa's turn. She's sure she's in, since her brother didn't get cut. Jaymes asks Vanessa how she feels she did. Vanessa makes the poor decision to say honestly that she wasn't as focused on the dancing as she needed to be and she kept falling in and out of the routine. PseudoTravis agrees and says, "You were good, but you weren't great. So we're not going to have you back." Vanessa waits for them to say they were just joking, but they don't, and she leaves with a sob.
Oh, God, y'all. Vanessa walks back into the green room sobbing, and Dorothy is instantly there holding her. Cut back to Jackie who is sobbing like they just told him Christmas was cancelled. Man, you're not supposed to laugh, but this kid's face is priceless, people. Everyone is trying to hide because they feel really awkward getting stuck in the middle of this breakup. Jackie walks over and repeatedly punches a wall. Dorothy moves out of the way and some crew person has to come out from the shadows and restrain Jackie from hurting anyone. Everyone is sitting away from the horror, commenting on how close Jackie and Vanessa are and how this is going to make their lives suck. Jackie pulls Vanessa away from Laurie and holds her so tight. He loves her. He loves her so much. It's the two of them against the world. Oh, God. It gets even better. As Jackie looks around to see who's still staring at them, giving them the attention they deserve, Vanessa slowly slides down the wall to the ground like the perfect Afterschool Special reaction to date rape. Jackie and Vanessa sit side by side, licking their tears off of each other's faces, wondering if Mom will still let them sleep in the same room when they get home.
The narrator quickly runs through the remaining people who got cut. Sharra Dade. We knew that was coming. Miredys Peguero. I told you she was gone before we even knew her. Shariana Sulifau. What, she got one line in the entire season, right? Forget it.
I never even got to use this joke so I'm going to just put it here, since we're almost at the end of the episode. You know why the auditoners weren't allowed to sing "Survivor" at the auditions? They didn't want anyone remembering what they were actually going to watch that night.
It's Pukey Kim's turn. Jaymes tells her that the three judges usually agree on everything, but they don't agree on her. PseudoTravis thinks the door should be closed on Kim since she's a big quitter who quit "three times." Kim says she's not normally a quitter. Jaymes admits that she just loves Kim's voice and doesn't care that she got sick today by being stupid. That left Crapcock to break the tie, and since he wants a blowjob from anybody, somebody, he tells Kim that he just loves her voice. They ask her back. Kim doesn't believe them at first because they're all so solemn. They say she's really invited back, but they aren't smiling. She's got to work it.
In the green room, Kim quietly admits that she gets to come back. Jillion is hella pissed, y'all. Kim starts crying, saying she doesn't know if she can handle all of that pressure again.
Jillion bitches that she did everything she could and because Kim's all pretty she got called back. I understand, Jillion. It's not your fault. You're in a shitty business. Don't try to be a popstar. Go do something else with your voice. Please.
That Ortiz girl bitches that Kim kept quitting and still got asked back and it's not fair.
Kim says she knows that everyone hates her now and that it's unfair she's still around.
The narrator quickly tells us other people who got called back. Angela, Jahzeel, Angel, Donavan, Ejay, Shanna, Shannon, Tania, Corey, Katie, Dorothy and Lian, Michael, Greg, and Josh. There's a montage of happy hugs as people we barely know celebrate their mostly unknown and unwatched victory.
Dorothy tells us she's tired. Lian is happy they made it for another day. Jackie and Vanessa consummate their love on the dance floor. Vanessa tells us that this was her first big dance audition and she's proud she got this fah. "This is a victory, that's all," she tells us.
The remaining twenty kids head back to the hotel to sleep before another day of abuse.
week doesn't matter, since this is the last episode I'm ever recapping for Popstars. Why? Well, nobody knew the show was on, so nobody was reading the recaps, so nobody was on the forum. Not you. I know you were there. It was everyone else. All your friends. Your friends and your colleagues let you down. Can you believe their selfishness in our country's time of need? Your friends suck. For real.
But you? I love the shit out of you. See you back at Gilmore Girls.