We're almost done here, so live it up.
Previously on Popstars: thousands of sad-ass people tried to be exploited on television. Only a few hundred remain. In this episode, they're narrowing it down to twenty-six for the L.A. workshop. You know the drill. In this teaser, we see shots that won't make it to the episodes, like PseudoTravis yelling at some people about "walking" on the dance floor, and getting intimidated. Also, Jaymes will have fancy new hair that makes her look like she's wearing a wig Hedwig took a piss on. She bitches that people that can't sing should probably leave the audition, but she's already flown those people out to Los Angeles in this scene, so I don't know why she still can't figure out which ones are able to sing.
We start with PseudoTravis, Jaymes, and Crapcock all in a room, watching videotapes of the finalists. We don't get to find out which finalists they're discussing, unfortunately. We just know that one guy looks shapeable, but Crapcock doesn't think they have time to work someone into shape. Jaymes thinks some girl sings like she wants to be on Broadway. Crapcock says it all right here: "We're not making Popstars; we're finding Popstars." Oh, my bad. I thought this was that show Popstars, you know, where you found kids with talent and made them Popstars. This must be that other show Lazy Bastards Looking To Ruin Lives and Make Money Off Talent.
We start with Fucking Moi. That's his official new name. He's bouncing around again like the Trix rabbit. We start with him because this show wants us to love Fucking Moi, and I find him so repulsive in just about every way. We cut to a show of Fucking Moi with his arm tossed across his girlfriend. The screen tells us her name is Vannessa Fernandes, but she doesn't get to speak a word over FM. He tells us that he's not a normal kid, and he pretty much tells us he's spent some time in jail for all of the bad things he did when he ran with a bad crowd. The narrator tells us that Fucking Moi grew up in Mexico and hasn't had much money. Fucking Moi tells us he's not upset when they're out of toilet paper. His life's been too harsh to stress on having a nasty ass. Fucking Moi brags that he sleeps in his uncle's camper, which is parked on the lawn of his parents' house.
Montage of Fucking Moi being a Fucking Monkey Boy. Oh, that's what Moi stands for.
We see footage of FM telling the judges that he doesn't know any of the songs that he's supposed to sing for the audition. Then PseudoTravis goes on about how impressed he was that FM gave them all kinds of attitude at the audition, since you're not really supposed to talk back to anyone. Then Crapcock busts in, saying that his kind of attitude isn't supposed to be a positive thing, since Crapcock got beat up by kids like FM every day in high school. Nobody cares what Crapcock has to say, though, so they make him call FM and tell him that they're inviting him to the L.A. workshop. They're still doing that thing where they sound like they're telling people no and then invite them in a way that doesn't sound like they really invited them at all. FM makes a weird noise like he really doesn't care and he already knew that he was in. Shot of FM packing up to leave. We're introduced to FM's mom, who tells us that FM can "move mountains." FM's dad, a Geraldo Rivera-looking man, tells us that he's so proud of his son and that he'll cry when he sees him perform for the first time. The narrator reminds us that FM has beaten the odds to get this slot in L.A., and we'll see him there.
It's Jillion's turn. The narrator tells us that she's very talented and she knows it, but she thinks she's ugly, so that's a problem. Jillion tells us that she's always been self-conscious about her hair and makeup as we see her pile on so much lipstick and blue eyeshadow that Divine has to turn away. We watch Jillion sing at the Saddest Karaoke Bar in the land with her parents and (I'm assuming) sisters. She sings "What's Up" as she tells us that she knows she's not the prettiest one, and that she likes karaoke because it's not about talent, but just about having fun. She's wrong. It's all about the stage show. You can't just stand there staring at the screen. That's what you do in your living room. We don't want to watch that. I think Jillion's got a tattoo on her back and I just caught it. I wonder if her parents bought that for her when she turned twelve. Jillion tells us that she knows there are millions of other people out there just as talented as she is who want success just as badly as she does, but that this might be her time. The karaoke bar erupts in thunderous applause as if Whitney Houston just stopped in for a quick number.
Jaymes holds up a picture of Jillion to Crapcock and PseudoTravis and gives them a quiz: "This girl needs a..." "Makeover!" they all correctly reply, in unison. Then they all say that Jillion sings "incredibly good [sic]," and that she's the best singer they've seen. Then they argue about how close to Christina Aguilera she sounds, without actually going over. Because she's not Christina. Good Lord, this girl isn't Christina. Then Jaymes says she knows that Jillion's got tons of talent, but she doesn't know whether it's enough talent to bring her to the workshop. Really? Why? You just said she was the best singer you saw, didn't you? Oh, forget it. PseudoTravis calls Jillion and tells her that they saw lots of people with lots of talent and he wants to "really tell [her]" that they're inviting her to the workshop. Jillion's family screams. They all scream and hug. He said he wanted to "really tell [her]." Not fake telling her, or only half telling her. He really told her, y'all.
"At this point, all the remaining hopefuls are talented," explains the narrator. At what point? The point after Jillion and FM are asked to go to the workshop? What the hell does that mean? I hate Crapcock's glasses.
They start arguing over the tall jock guy who can dance but not sing so well, even though they don't tell us that's who they're talking about. Jaymes starts yelling about something, but the scene is edited together so shitty it's impossible to know what they're talking about.
Y'all remember non-gay Brandon Durand with the wispy voice and the robotic dancing, right? The narrator reminds us how great he is and that he's a professional choreographer and stuff. PseudoTravis says that Brandon can dance his butt off. Crapcock, who hates anyone who's a threat, says he recalls that Brandon doesn't have that much of a voice. To prove it, the editors make a quick joke by showing us Brandon sing the words, "That ain't no lie." Brandon does that thing where he snorts air out when he's done singing a lyric.
Crapcock does the honors, calling up Brandon to tell him that they don't want him at the workshop. Crapcock tells him that he was one of the good people, but "unfortunately" they're not going to have him. Brandon rolls his head back and looks like he's pretty used to getting rejection in this business. I'm not slamming him; I think it shows that Brandon's really a professional, whereas these other crybabies are having their first audition experience and can't hang when someone tells them no. Brandon's girlfriend is videotaping, and when he hangs up and shakes his head she says, "You're kidding," but doesn't stop filming him. Brandon tells us that he's proud he made it this far, and he knows his friends and family are proud of him. We watch him get hugs from men in the room as his girlfriend just keeps filming. Bye, Brandon.
Michael Washington is that kid with the church-choir background that we really don't know very well. He introduces us to his entire family. Both sets of grandparents, his mother, his sister, and his sister's baby are all there to hear from the judges. His mother brags that Michael is very talented and can play the piano by ear. He tells us it's been hard waiting on the call.
Jaymes gets to call Michael, so you know he's in. She never calls to tell people no. She tells him that they saw about three times as many people this time as last time, and "nevertheless" they were still impressed by his voice. Nice compliment, lady. She invites him to the workshop, and his family rejoices. Then they all run out on the front lawn and sing gospel songs. I'm not kidding. Amen.
According to the interactive poll that none of you are taking, at this point 45% of you think that only Jackie will be asked to the workshop. 8% of you think that Vanessa will be asked back. 38% of you think that both will be asked to the workshop. Mad props to the 9% of you that know neither of these kids should be allowed to torture us any longer.
The narrator reminds us that there are 143 remaining finalists and there are only 23 remaining slots. Why bother learning math?
Brotha Sistah Baby! Vanessah tells us that the best part of all of this is that she and her brother started this audition togethah and then they "made it" togethah. Jackie peels his eyes away from his sister's tits long enough to agree that it's pretty crazy they're both still there. His hand is resting on her crotch, by the way. He says they've nevah, evah, evah done anything like this beforah.
Jaymes ponders for a moment what it'd be like to have a brother-and-sister team in the group. PseudoTravis seems to think that they'd "feed off each other," which they already do, but they can't show that on the air. Jaymes reminds PseudoTravis that it could also be a living hell. PseudoTravis quickly agrees with the queen.
PseudoTravis gets to make the call. Jackie answers the phone, and PseudoTravis asks to speak with Vanessa, for some reason. Vanessa sits on the kitchen counter as Jackie crouches to her, waiting to hear what's going to happen to their love. PseudoTravis asks Vanessa how she's doing. "I'm doing awesome," she says. I hate her. PseudoTravis asks Vanessa how she feels about her audition, and Vanessa brags that she thinks she did very well, and that she's never gotten this far in an audition before. PseudoTravis invites her to the workshop. Vanessa starts screaming, and her mother screams off-camera in response. Jackie runs over to her and pulls her into his arms. He's feeling her up and eating her neck as she's screaming and talking on the phone. As she tries to finish her conversation with PseudoTravis, Jackie moves his head lower and lower until he's eating his sister out right there as his mother videotapes it. The Salvuccis make me so uncomfortable, y'all. I can't even tell you. PseudoTravis doesn't realize that the sounds of Vanessa screaming "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" aren't because she's going to the workshop, but because her brother just made her come. PseudoTravis asks to talk to Jackie. Jackie untangles himself from his sister's naughty parts and gets all macho on the phone. PseudoTravis tries to start that bullshit about lots of people and difficult decisions, and Jackie asks to just give it to him straight. PseudoTravis makes a face and then invites Jackie to L.A. as well. The Salvucci family goes nuts and immediately launches into an orgy. Jackie's fingers trace the lines of his sister's stomach in a way that sends shivers through my body as Jackie gets off the phone so he can give his undivided attention to his sister's primal cravings. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Angela Peel just had a baby five minutes ago, so she's ready to move on, move out, and start her own life. We see Crapcock ask Angela at the second-day auditions what's going to happen to her baby. Angela tells them that her baby's daddy takes care of the baby, and that when he's not doing it, there are so many other people who have picked up all of the responsibilities she's shirked, and that the baby is taken care of.
Angela holds up her squirming, unhappy child to the camera. His name is Angel. Angel is unhappy because he has no idea who this woman is holding him. Carlos, the baby's daddy, informs us that he's been with Angela about a year and a half now. That wasn't long before she was pregnant, huh? And what does the proud mother have to say about having a brand-new child and a new relationship and a family? "When I was still pregnant -- oh, God. The depression. The feeling like 'I'm never going to be beautiful again.' I thought I'd never have a chance at my singing career because I'd be busy with the baby all the time. But now I can say I did Popstars." We see Angela on her back with the baby on her stomach, dreaming of the day she doesn't have to be around that child anymore. The narrator reminds us that Angela will be happy with her life if she gets to be a Popstar, but that's pretty much the only way.
PseudoTravis reminds Jaymes that Angela was great in Chicago. Jaymes reminds PseudoTravis that Angela has a baby. PseudoTravis acts like he didn't hear her, and says that they were amazed by her audition. What kind of Popstar has a newborn who's getting ignored at home? Can you imagine if Baby Spice had a baby? Baby Baby Spice? No way.
Crapcock calls up Angela and asks her to L.A. because nobody gives a shit about Angel Peel. Angela laughs on the phone and says that this means a lot to her. Angela's immediately packing, with Angel already in Carlos's hands. She packs a shirt with the word "Angel" on it, so she doesn't forget her baby's name on her way to the top. We even get to see the car pull away as Carlos and Angel become distant memories in Angela's mind.
Alexandra. Y'all want to see her get let down, right? More crying and head shaking and everything, right? Jaymes quizzes Crapcock and PseudoTravis, asking whether Alexandra has a good voice. They pass the test by agreeing that she does. They watch the tape again in which Alexandra blows it for everyone by sucking so hard. They agree that she's still a quitter, and that she still sucks. "Her voice is really good, though," Crapcock says, because he wants to nail her. Jaymes interjects that Alexandra has a cute face and they all agree that she's really cute. "Cute with a voice," they conclude.
Alexandra holds a stuffed animal, twisting its arms off, telling us that she's nervous. Her boyfriend is there, waiting to hold her when she starts bawling. Alexandra tells us that she's "so hyped." She tells us that she's got lots of fans, and that there were so many people that came up to her at the audition saying that they remembered her. Hey, Alex, did they mention the recaps? Alexandra says that if she already has fans now when she's not important, imagine how easy it will be to make her into a superstar. See the logic?
Jaymes calls, because this is the fun that's left in her life. Jaymes asks Alexandra how she thinks she did. Alexandra, always with impeccable English, says: "I, honestly? That group was a disaster. But I don't think it was my fault. I think it was more the group-effort thing." Jaymes says they auditioned many groups all across the country, and that Alexandra was the only girl who ever stopped singing in the middle of a performance. Oh, God, y'all. Behind Alexandra is a framed photo collage of Alexandra's Popstars experience. Jaymes tells Alexandra that they're not having her come to Los Angeles, and Alexandra starts crying on the phone. Jaymes says, "Well, you know. One door closes, another one opens." Just don't let this one closing hit you on the ass on your way out, Alexandra. Alexandra hugs the boy she paid to pretend to be her boyfriend for this scene as the narrator tells us that the news was hard for Alexandra to hear. "Like I said, I have fans now," Alexandra tells us. "And I'm not even famous. So I know that the person who grabs a hold of me and signs me is going to make a lot of money." She's an angel when she's delusional, isn't she? So precious. Just a wonderfully nice girl. Look what Popstars did. They went and made a superbitch.
We get a quick montage of people who have already been cut before today, for some reason, as the narrator reminds us that rejection is tough. Jaymes tells someone she's "soorry." Did anyone know she was Canadian? Is she Canadian? ["Yes, she's Canadian. Well, I assume she is, since her brother David is. She shames us all." -- Wing Chun] Wow, it so doesn't matter. Crapcock lets someone down, but they don't even give us her name as we see her cry. PseudoTravis tells some forty-year-old man that he's not coming to the workshop, but we don't catch his name, either. Oh, man. All forty and getting rejected in front of your mom? Yikes.
Your interactive poll results are in! If you got called back but your best friend didn't, 63% of you would feel "sad," 13% of you would feel "cheated," 9% of you would feel "mad," and the remaining 16% of you would feel "relieved" because obviously your best friend made you audition in the first place.
I paused the screen that tells you the "great prizes" you can win by entering the WB contest. The grand prize is a television. First prize is a t-shirt from the WB. Wow. Absolutely nobody cares about this show, huh?
We see a montage of total and complete strangers auditioning.
Travis Barr-Longo is the man with the grandmother and the bright green pants. It's so sad that we have to see his rejection, since we knew it was coming, but he's such a nice boy I hate to see him cry. But at least now, four episodes in, we know enough about people to enjoy seeing them get cut. This show really sucks this year compared to last. Last year I could name most of the finalists by sight. This year I'm having to go and look up old recaps to get names correctly. I hate it. Travis jokes with the camera man that he wants his good side filmed, and if they film him from behind he's going to be "too much J. Lo."
"What a character," PseudoTravis says. Crapcock says that Travis is a "little too much Broadway." I think that "Broadway" is their code for "too gay." "He's a lot Broadway," PseudoTravis says, saving his phone number for later. Jaymes adds that Travis was one of the few auditioners who looked at them as he sang. Who is she kidding? She'd never ask him back. PseudoTravis says that Travis was actually performing, which most people didn't do.
Jaymes does the honors. She doesn't beat around the bush, and tells him he's not being asked to L.A.., but that they appreciated his time. Travis tells us that he's disappointed, but that this isn't the last time you'll see him. Jaymes tells us that Travis has the right attitude: "Positive. On to the ." Bye, Travis. I'll miss you. Even though we never got to know you.
I know y'all haven't been sleeping, wondering what's going to happen to Dorothy and Lian. Lian tells us she's "been on the pins and needles" since Friday. "The pins and needles"? That's like how my dad still calls it "the MTV." PseudoTravis calls Dorothy. She's sitting to Lian. I'm going to transcribe what is said here, and you figure out what it's supposed to mean, okay? PseudoTravis: "How would you feel about the whole process, bringing you closer to fulfilling your dreams and your goals?" Dorothy: "Because we both made it to the third round I just feel like I can do anything right now and it made me very...it made me very strong." What the fuck? PseudoTravis tells Dorothy that she was at the first audition, and lots of times they'll just forget everyone at the first audition and it's not until later when they're reviewing tapes that they'll remember that someone was good, and that's how they feel about her, so they're asking her to L.A. Dorothy and Lian start feeling each other up right there. Dorothy thanks PseudoTravis profusely. PseudoTravis asks Dorothy to put Lian on the phone. Lian says she's so happy for Dorothy. PseudoTravis asks how she feels she did at her audition. Dorothy's cryptic answer: "It just reinforced how badly I want this and how badly I want to do this and like how this is such a part of me that it's something that I can't shake." PseudoTravis slowly tells her that she's also invited to Los Angeles. The screams can be felt all across America. Ow. My television has started humming. Dorothy and Lian make out all over their vinyl couch as PseudoTravis tells them to bring their boots because they're going to Popstars Boot Camp.
We see Moi and Jillion packing. Jackie and Vanessa are still mugging down in their kitchen. The narrator tells us that everybody's psyched to go to L.A. The other finalists that we still haven't met and might not ever meet are: Katie "Stripper" Webber, Jahzeel "Um, Who?" Mumford, Monika "(The Other Baby's Mama)" Christian, Tom "Jock" Tustler, Corey "No, Really, Who the Fuck Is That?" Clark, Sharra "Tan in a Can" Dade, Shannon "Christian" Yoesle, Kimberly "Katy" Caldwell, Greg "The Six Flags Performer" Treco, Angel "The Girl With the Blue Pants in All the Promos" Ortiz, Ejay "Huh-way?" Day, Laurie "Summer Teeth" Gidosh, Miredys "Who? And Thanks For Breaking My Spellcheck" Peguero, Shariana "Stop! The Names! Stop!" Sulifau, Tenia "Diva" Taylor, Donavan "I Make Clothes" Green, Shana "Like An Owl, All The 'Who's" Montanez, and Josh "Aaah!" Henderson.
"This is as real as it gets," Dorothy tells us for no reason. The narrator recaps the half-hour, but that's my job. PseudoTravis yells that he doesn't want to see people sweat while they're dancing. Jahzeel tells us that this is brutal. It sure is, Jah. It sure is.