Last week on Popstars, lots of people auditioned. Several were cut. The narrator kept talking: "Some hearts soared, but most were broken." Alexandra has replaced the shaky, crying face with constant repeats of her screaming, "I'm coming back!" I guess I should stop while I'm ahead.
In this episode, the auditions will continue. Unfortunately, we won't find out which auditioner made Jaymes say, "What are you doing at a pop audition?" That's just for the teaser, folks. We also won't hear who Crapcock tells needs vocal lessons. No fun. The narrator explains once again how people will continue to be eliminated until they become Eden's Crush 2.
Tiny Squares of Girls, Boys, Fun, et al. Some guy announces it's "Episode Two." I'm telling you right now that Moi must make it. They keep showing him for no reason, and on the official message boards, there are all these threads glowing about how wonderful he is when all we've seen is thirty seconds of him being an asshole last week.
After a montage of people applying makeup, the narrator once again introduces us to the three judges. I know that y'all aren't so dumb you need it explained again. I love you much more than The WB ever will. Crapcock looks like a morphing of Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. Jaymes tells us that she loves "Day Twos," because it gives her a chance to talk to "the kids." As Jaymes talks, she completely ignores the child standing behind her. Jaymes and Big Baby Jesus are about "the kids." Love it.
PseudoTravis tells us that they're looking for people with lots of personality, so they're going to ask lots of questions. Crapcock explains that when these kids are in a group, they'll have to do lots of press and will have to respond to these kinds of questions all the time. He adds that people are going to want to know the answers to these questions and know all about these kids, but I'd have to argue that point.
Cut to one of the "interesting" stories we get to hear upon meeting "the kids." Jahzeel Mumford, nineteen, from Virginia Beach, VA once rode a roller coaster fifty-seven times. It was for a television commercial he was in. He loved it. The judges can't believe it. I can't believe this is the best story out of three hundred. Where are the phone sex operators from last year?
Quinton Guyton II, eighteen, Pontiac, MI admits his worst job ever was having to shave his dad's back. His dad must really hate him, since he didn't name him with a "Junior," and then forces the kid to shave his back for money and then makes him come on Popstars to use the remaining thirteen seconds of his fame.
Bevin Prince, eighteen, from Cary, North Carolina, instantly launches into her monologue about Cheez Whiz. She says there's nothing greater. No better invention. What's the deal? Is it really cheese? Is it really all that smart? She'll be here all week, people. Except she won't. Try the veal.
See, here's where I'm not buying that we're just supposed to like this Moi guy. Jaymes asks for something he thinks we should know about him. "I like to show off," he says with a half laugh. Stupid sideways striped hat and dope eyes talking crap, wasting my time, with a name that means "Me" in French but we have to pronounce it "Moy" because he's just that annoying. Cut to some other scene that was shot where the judges are rejoicing over Moi's response, shouting "good answer" like Louie Anderson's about to shout, "Give me 'Showing Off!'"
Taneesha Skinner, twenty-two, D.C., is a security guard and not a police officer and isn't taking any shit from nobody. She's wearing a shirt that proudly boasts "Playboy." She's tired of people's shit. She's not trying to save anyone's life. She just wants to show you the door so you can exit in a safe fashion.
Karim Koita, twenty-four, NY, NY is wasting our time with his long discussion of why he eats McDonald's in his underwear. He likes to get up in the morning, ride his bike to Mickey D's, buy food, come home, strip to his underwear, and eat it. The judges ask why he leaves his underwear on. Karim explains that he feels funny eating naked. Jaymes is so happy to have boys this year so they get these crazy conversations. Oh, wait. I was asleep. Did I miss a crazy conversation? Because I thought it was a McDonald's commercial. Karim has tied a white strip of fabric to his wrist. He's also thirty-three years old.
Okay, now to the real callbacks. Dorothy Szamborska and Lian Ellis are the girls from that pop group that both made it to the callbacks, remember? Dorothy's Polish and Lian is supposed to be a doctor? Great. Lian's up first. The narrator tells us that Lian will be headed to Cornell Medical School if she doesn't get this callback. Dorothy listens at the door. Crapcock asks Lian what she could say that would make the judges think she was ready to do this. Jaymes chimes in, "Serious." Lian says that she's always wanted to do this. That's her answer. Then she realizes that wasn't an answer to the question that she was asked and she clarifies. Lian has the scariest eyes in the world. All Manson Lamped and vacant. She says this is her first passion. She sings that damn Faith Hill song, scaring us with her piercing stare. She looks scared. Outside Dorothy mouths, "Oh my God, that's so good." She smiles. Lian's going nuts with the Lean of Intense Diaphragm Engaging, and the Jerking Right Hand of Scale Climbing. Jaymes cuts Lian off and turns to the other two judges. The narrator chimes in with the overstatement of the decade: "As the judges decide if Lian will come back for the dance competition, her future as a doctor hangs in the balance." Can you feel the tension? They ask Lian back. Lian says, "Yes!" and giggles and thanks them a few times. Nice black strappy shoes and white pants, Lian. Jaymes tells Crapcock that she thinks Lian's "cute." Crapcock is under contractual obligation to agree with her.
It's time for Dorothy. We're reminded again that she's from Poland and that her mother moved her here when she was seven to try and give her a better life than she would have had in Poland. Dorothy tells us that suddenly everything has started happening to her, "like school plays and stuff." That's the shit of dreams, right there. Dorothy takes the stage and Jaymes compliments her hot pink sarong skirt. "Thank you, everyone's been telling me that," Dorothy says. She's not from our country; she hasn't learned modesty yet. Crapcock asks her whether she was really in a group with Lian. Dorothy says that she was and that they're "like that." She crosses her fingers together, cinching that soon those two girls will be scratching each other's eyes out over a solo. Dorothy sings the same song, which I would have been pissed off about if I were her best friend. Anyway, Dorothy sings like tiny animated birds are going to fly down and perch on her shoulders. She keeps time with her foot and blisses out into her own country music world. Jaymes tells her that her voice is sweet and very much like she's in a musical, and suggests that she should think about getting grittier with her sound and that she should "remember that later. When we come back." Dorothy stops and realizes that she was actually called back, and Jaymes was just being herself, incapable of delivering good news. The girls hug outside the room again; their clashing hip bones make the sound of three people clapping and someone takes a picture.
Montage of people being nervous, breathing, warming up, telling us that they are nervous as a "My Sharona" rip-off plays in the background. Seriously, it's face after face of people being nervous. Someone's playing with a ring. People are exhaling, exhaling, exhaling. So boring. I really am the only person watching this show who was never actually on the show, right? Just checking.
I really dislike both Jackie and Vanessa Salvucci only because they are pushing this "brotha/sistah" thing on us so hard. I'm sure Jackie's going to get in and Vanessa will get dropped at the very final minute. Whatever -- there are so many weeks left, and we've only met, like, three people, so I don't know why I'm already making predictions. Everybody brought their parents this year, which is boring. Jackie's up first. He sings; it's nothing too special. It's very Disney-sounding. I wish the narrator would stop saying the judges get to determine everybody's "fate" like they're doctors or something. Music from Unsolved Mysteries plays as we watch the same still shot of Jackie's parents looking concerned, Vanessa mugging for the camera, and Jackie waiting for the judges' decision. The narrator takes us to the tense commercial break.
The fact that we always come back from commercial with a recap of the last minute before commercial really saves me recapping time. It's great. Jaymes tells Crapcock and PseudoTravis that they have to stop saying yes to everyone or they'll have forty people called back tomorrow. They say yes anyway, for no reason that's explained to us. Jackie kisses his fist and thanks them. What's with the fist kissing? Is he congratulating himself with that move? It's way too Lenny and Squiggy for me. Five people applaud as Jackie leaves the room. Three of those people are family members. Vanessa runs, jumps in the air, and lands in Jackie's arms. So that's how it is in their family. Everyone group hugs and cries.
This makes me sad, this story coming up. Greg Treco, twenty, Bradley Beach, NJ is a "performer" at Great Adventure. This means he's in a Six Flags show. This also means he probably lip-synchs the same show fifteen times a day. I'm sad about this. Greg sings, and it's like the Phantom of the Opera. PseudoTravis asks Greg to sing it again, but to "perform it" this time. Jaymes bitches, "You are a performer. You work at the Great Adventure, don't you?" Greg sings it again, exactly the same, but with his legs spread and his hands touching. "Better," Jaymes says. Okay.
Outside, Greg is bitching that they wanted him to perform, but he doesn't know what that means. He says he just overacted while he sang and that somehow pleased them. I like him. NotQuiteBritney is shocked that he had to perform. Her name is Angela Trimbur. She also works at a theme park, and it's her turn to audition now. The narrator tells us that Angela's about to find out just how hard the judges' questions can be. They ask her who she gets told she looks like. She says she usually hears Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, or an early Debbie Gibson. They ask her whether that's something that she's proud of. That last part is tacked on all nasty-like by Jaymes, by the way. Angela says she's not trying to be anybody else, but she happens to look like Britney. Before she even inhales again, she tells the judges that she's "clay for [them]." No, Angela, Britney's new song is "Slave 4 U," not "Clay 4 U." Whatever. She says that they can dye her hair black if they want. I'm so tired of this Faith Hill song. Angela sings it again, performing her ass off until Jaymes cuts her off. Angela says that she's got power in her vocals, I think, but the scene is edited strangely and I can't tell what they're talking about. Plus I'm still laughing at how Angela grabbed fistfuls of her own hair while she sang. Jaymes lies and tells Angela that they're looking for a "unique" voice that Angela doesn't have.
Angela leaves all pouty, and people outside are furious. Angela calls someone on her cell phone. She cries and wishes she didn't get called back because they just got her hopes up for nothing. It's called rejection and it's a part of the entertainment industry, Ang. I guess they don't have much rejection in theme parks.
Monika Christian, nineteen, Laurel, MD, is busy. She's a Customer Service Representative (shout-out to the CSRs in Tivoli!), and she sings in a band. She also has an eight-month-old baby. The judges ask who's watching the child, and Monika basically says she's never around for the baby and the kid's used to just being with her daddy anyway. Between being in the studio or at work or on stage, she's hardly there as it is, so being a popstar on tour won't make a difference. Monika sings "Emotions" as if she's run out of breath and these are her final gasps before she dies. The judges like it and bring her back -- asthma, child, and all.
The narrator tells us that everyone has to "sing pop" for the judges, but sometimes they get a chance to show off something unique they can do. Cue the montage of unique talents.
Heather Elkin, twenty-three, Gastonia, NC, sings opera.
Jesper Lannung, ninteen, Muskego, WI, beatboxes. His skin scares me.
Whitney Boyles, twenty-two, Louisville, KY, yodels. She thinks she's so precious.
Bryant Mills, twenty-one, Merced, CA sings opera like he was born in a Macaroni Grill.
Chauntee' Schuler, eighteen, Fredericksburg, VA is a young black girl who does a mean Julie Andrews from Mary Poppins. Why that's a talent, I couldn't tell you.
Michael Washington, twenty, West Covina, CA isn't a part of the unique talents reel, although I didn't know that right away. He scats. He sings. He gets called back. The only thing interesting about him is that he chose to wear a thick blue headband. Jaymes talks through his entire singing audition, so at first you think he doesn't stand a chance, but he's one of the few boys here who can sing and isn't hideous, so he gets a callback. Michael immediately gets in a fistfight outside the audition room.
Recap of Jennifer Kumiyama, Wheelchair Girl. We're reminded just how much the judges were "blown away" by her voice. We see her sing and get called back. Today, they ask her again whether she's learned how to walk. She still hasn't, but she promises to do whatever it takes to be in the group. She says that if she has to compromise to be as energetic as everyone else, she will. I don't know what that means. Jennifer starts singing, but Jaymes cuts her off right away and turns around, and we cut to this blue screen of Jennifer in the background as Jaymes leans in and practically shouts, "She's not singing nearly as well today as yesterday. Like, I'm shocked." She turns back around and says, "We certainly admire your spirit and...uh, and your voice...." She says that Jennifer's voice isn't doing "the same trick" for them today. Crapcock interjects that Jennifer has a talent and the other two are all, "Oh, yeah. Right. Totally." Everyone claps and Jennifer leaves. Such bullshit that they made her come back. I hope she gets some sort of voice-over singing deal out of this. She'll bust up some children's videotapes. Jennifer says that she wasn't as good as she was yesterday, and that this must not be the outlet that God wants for her.
, Vanessa Salvucci makes like a dolphin for the judges.
After commercial we're reminded that Vanessa Salvucci is Jackie's sister. We're reminded that people are auditioning to be in a pop band and that these are the callbacks. We're reminded that Jackie has already been called back, that Vanessa's entire family is there, and that they're about to have Vanessa's audition. PseudoTravis asks Vanessa what it's like to have a sibling also in the music business. "It's awesome," Vanessa answers, because that's what she's supposed to say. Jaymes tries to get Vanessa to break down and admit to some kind of jealousy or envy, but Vanessa says she just loves her big brother and she's so happy to be his sister. Her Boston accent slips out at just the right point and the judges all start to twinkle. They're under Vanessa's spell and don't even notice how scary and high-pitched Vanessa's voice is as she warbles through that damn Faith Hill song again. They just ask her to sing the chorus, which I'm glad about.
Outside, the music swells and people are applauding like Lucas scored a touchdown and Jackie's running across the convention floor to join in the family group hug because the Salvuccis are the BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD, BABY! Vanessa tells us that this is one of the best days of her life.
Cue the mom and dad montage. Y'all, the narrator. Kill him. "Whether it was good or bad news from the judges, nothing makes the moment sweeter than a hug from mom or dad." This is the same shit I wrote for the video yearbook in high school. So many parents. None of them are stepping up and representing like scary cobra mom from last year.
Laurie Gidosh is nineteen and from Hazlet, NJ. She's this year's Christina "Yeah, Dog!" Petty who won't make it all the way. She's kinda shy but looks tough. She's "only been singing since high school." She's got a very pretty face, but she's got summer teeth (summer here, summer there, for those of you not trained in the Catskills like the rest of us). We see a flashback to day one, where Jaymes calls Laurie back and she doesn't realize she's the one who's been called back. Jaymes is smitten with her and can't wait to shatter all of her dreams. As Laurie sings (and I like her voice), her mother tells us in a split-screen that Laurie's always been an achiever. The judges tell her that there's something very unique about the way she sings, and now they just want to know whether she can dance. Laurie realizes she just got called back and thanks the judges, telling them that she loves them. Oh, now I don't like her. When she keeps her mouth shut, she's really captivating. The voice fucks it all up, though.
Outside, Laurie's mother hits the floor when she hears the good news. Laurie's very tall and skinny.
Jenna Hamilton auditioned last year. Oh, God. Is she the one I called a Retin-A baby? Let me check. No. Oh, good. I feel better. This year, Jenna has incredibly long red hair pulled back with pink sunglasses. So much glitter eye shadow covers her face. She's got tiny stars glued to the sides of her head. Red, red lips. Her scary eyes tell the judges, "I want it more than...I want this." The judges are sick of the Alexis tip, so they just ask her to sing. I don't know why, but Jenna's put her sunglasses back on to sing. Her voice is scary. She's so intense. Oh, god. PseudoTravis's sweater is the scariest thing ever. Like Tim Burton scribbled in his sleep. This girl is twenty-nine if she's a day, by the way. Boob job. Jaymes says she doesn't like Jenna's voice. She turns back around and turns Jenna away. Jenna asks whether it was because her voice wasn't strong enough. They tell her that she does have a strong voice. Jenna says that last year she was turned down because her voice wasn't strong enough. Jaymes doesn't remember Jenna from last year, and congratulates her on working so hard over the past nine months. Jenna breaks down into tears. Jenna, stop lining your lips.
Outside, Jenna breaks down like someone has died. She tells us that she's just as pretty and talented as anyone else in the room. She stops crying, turns to us, and starts singing "Survivor," all full of tears. Oh, it's sad. Then she's forcing her friends to sing with her. Sad, but funny. Jenna's mother just smiles and tries to be supportive, wondering whether there are still more auditions and tears. Other people in the room applaud, happy that another person has been cut.
Here, for some reason, they decide to explain to us that not everybody can make it into the group, and that it's hard to be one of the remaining people.
Quick flashes of people who made it, even though we've never met most of the one hundred and forty. Kim Caldwell is there. Donavan Green, Josh Henderson (the cute boy who I'm sure will make it), Moi IHateHim, and Angela Peel. Remember those names, because I'm predicting now that the final five will be Moi, Josh, Jackie, Angela and Kim. That's just because they've only let us meet those five. The narrator tells us that everyone had a great experience they'll never forget. A man walks out of the audition room, shouts, "I forgot the words!" and daintily faints to the ground.
week are the dance auditions. People dance as PseudoTravis challenges them. Some can dance and some can't. Josh Henderson then blows out his knee or something, screaming, "Ahh!" Everyone asks him to stay still on the ground. Scary music plays as we hear him say he can't believe it. "week on Popstars," they say, and then quietly in the background they loop in Josh going, "Ahh!" again. It's damn funny.