You know, of all the reality shows from last year, Popstars is the last one I thought they'd bring back. I mean, come on. For real. I guess they thought that strike was going to happen and re-hired everybody before they got a chance to pay for a real show. Part of me feels like they brought it back just to keep reading the recaps, since I work longer on them than most people do in the story editing office of this show. Well, and it's cheap to make this show. It looks like it was edited in my living room. And something needs to go into this time slot that nobody will watch during Friends and Survivor. I still can't believe there's another Survivor. Didn't they just finish one? Hey, if there are eight weeks of auditions, does that mean there are more than nine episodes this time? I hate everything. Oh, God. Here we go.
The nightmare of a narrator's back. I can't tell if it's the same guy. I think it is. He reminds us that just a few months ago, this show created the hell on earth known as Eden's Crush. At least we don't have to hear from those ladies anymore, right? I even saw someone on the forum ask where are they now, like we're discussing A-Ha or something. It was just March, not the '80s. Anyway, he tells us that because of this show, the girls of Eden's Crush ended up with a #1 song (a fact I'm still disputing) and a gold album. Bully for them. They tortured us with performances, appearances on Regis, unending studio sessions, and photo shoots they slept through. We cheered through Nicole's growing drug problem, Ivette's fascination with her own ass, and Ana Maria's drop in body mass. Now it's time to do it again. Do we even have the strength?
The narrator tells us that this time the process is beginning with a "dramatic addition." Boys. Shots of boys flipping and dancing fill the screen. Some testosterone-filled guitar plays in the background as we hear sounds of men cheering. The narrator leers, "Popstars goes co-ed," like I'm about to watch Freddie Fingers Franny. Boys and girls flirt. Some guy who won't make it tells us that it's cool that they're giving guys a chance this time.
Some girl dances her ass off to the camera thinking she's Britney as the guy on the split screen on the left says he wants "a piece of the American pie." Whatever that means. Does that mean he wants to fuck a pie that's already been fucked? Wait. Does he want to eat the pie that got fucked? In any event, it's gross. Moving on.
The narrator reminds us that this is an experience nobody's going to be able to forget, as we watch girls and guys moan and twist for the camera.
Another montage. A girl cheers and jumps into someone's arms. Another girl tries to cry as she tells us she's really heartbroken. A guy smiles and tells us his audition was really nerve-wracking. One girl spins with her jacket in her arms behind her. We cannot see her face, but we can almost see her butt-crack. Spin, Butt-Crack Girl. Spin. A girl holds some guy whose face is in a full grimace as he tells us he thinks he did a good job and now it's hard because he has to go home. He's bawling because he knows he's going to get his ass kicked when he gets back to Toledo.
Aw, man. Alexandra's back. You know what that means? I gotta watch that footage of that girl crying and shaking her head again. Over and over. Again. They did this to me on purpose. She tells us she's not letting anyone get in her way this time. Whatever.
Another girl cries and tells us, "He said, 'Less is more.' And I can't do less!" Hee. She's all offended because she can't be any less than she is. She is simply all that and can't be any less than that. Hysterical.
Six cities held auditions this year: New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington, D.C., Chicago, and Miami. Because everyone knows the real singing talent comes out of San Francisco. Sorry, Texas!
The narrator over-enthusiastically tells us that the success of the show brought in more people for the auditions than they ever expected. Judging from this line, most people ignored the fact that you had to be under twenty-five to audition. We see all of the auditioners who have lined up the night before to hold their places. One guy tells us that he can't be seen on television because he called in sick to work for the audition. I guess he's assuming he won't make it past this round, then? Another girl tells us that this is like a big slumber party.
The narrator informs us that only a few hundred hopefuls will get called back. One guy cries, holds his head, and tells us that he got nervous. A redhead says that it's intense in the audition room. The narrator continues to explain that they can't have a few hundred people in the group, so only a handful of them will get to go to Los Angeles to continue the audition process. I love that the shot of "Los Angeles" is three stores on Sunset Boulevard, right to The Coffee Bean. We watch the people who make it, in their workshop. I already recognize a couple of people from this first episode, but I'll keep my mouth shut. The narrator tells us that they still can't have this many people in the group, so they'll cut even more, and they'll go home "heartbroken." Shots of people "heartbroken." Are y'all getting this? Does it all make sense? Do we need to explain it again? Don't worry. They will. Twice a week for thirteen weeks. The narrator tells us that eventually it will only be the best people left. The "best people" are represented by one woman who kicks her leg so high I can see into her vagina, and a boy in cornrows who points to himself and sing-songs that he's going to be a Popstar. The narrator tells us that the ones who are left will form a "new supergroup" with "glamorous lives" as "Popstars" where they live in a "spectacular house." That sentence is much more fun if you say it in your Dr. Evil voice. "It all starts tonight." The narrator's trying to pump us up! "Real kids. Real talent. A real shot at the top." Translation: "Real people pretending to be younger than they are. Really sad attempts at fame and fortune that make you shake your head and wonder why humans have such a fighting instinct sometimes. A real shot to become a laughingstock or a mediocre manufactured boy-girl band in a world that wants another manufactured pop group like they want another album by Enya." ['That's the second time you've dissed Enya in a recap this month. She's going to find you and kick your ass new-age style." -- Wing Chun]
Oh, look at that. The Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun are now the Tiny Squares of Girls, Boys, Fun, et al. Welcome to Popstars 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo (Some Assembly Required).
New York. The DJ from Z100 babbles on about the process, and the show, and basically says the same thing I just said over the past three pages. I think I just saw a guy who went to my college. A girl has her hair in clips and pins. She explains to us that she can look ugly overnight while she waits, and then tomorrow at her audition she will be beautiful.
Security has to hold back hos and bitches using megaphones and brute force. ["The security is using megaphones and brute force, not the hos. I assume. I was watching Survivor" -- Wing Chun] It's hard to explain to one blonde what a "line" is. She's like, "Where's the line? Where's the line? Liar. I don't see any coke around." Oh, I see. They've just given the DJ the lines the narrator would normally say, so I don't harsh on the narrator as much. Okay, Mr. DJ. I get it. I'll cut you some slack. You already have enough sadness, what with your career choice of being a professional tool. Boys babble about being tired and wanting to do their best. I'm bored. The narrator cuts in here to piss me off: "The auditioners know their mission today is to wow the judges." Three girls sing.
A girl announces: "It's the black Beemer." The car in question holds the three judges. They are shocked by the line for auditions. You may remember one-half of the Hyphen-Twin powers: Jaymes Foster-Levy, bitch woman extraordinaire. You need to meet our other two. (Travis! I miss you!)
Tony Michaels looks like Travis, but without any of the fun (so far). He's a choreographer, and he's worked with J. Lo on her "Play" video. They say he choreographed the *NSYNC No Strings Attached tour. I thought that kid Wayne did that. Oh, well. Lance Bass comes on my screen now and says something about Tony, but I can't hear what he's saying because LANCE IS SO DREAMY AND HE'S TOTALLY HOT WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Okay, the other guy is Brad "Riprock" Daymond. He's a producer and songwriter, and half of "Riprock and Alex G." I'm sure those guys make money, but their name sounds like some crap DJ thing your parents would book at your fifteenth birthday party where Riprock's dressed like an alien and Alex G. just hits on all of your friends, boasting that he owns his own car. Riprock. Whatever. Is it too early for me to rename him Crapcock? No? Cool. Crapcock gives us his philosophy: "My strong focuses are star quality. You know. A good voice and a great attitude. And the ability to show that you are a team player." Right. The narrator tells us that Crapcock wrote tracks that won't be released from *NSYNC's Celebrity, something Britney did that we never have heard of, and something that we'll never hear on the upcoming Michael Jackson album. Those things are with his partner, not on his own. Solo, we'll just see, won't we, Crapcock?
And, y'all remember Jaymes and her pointy, pinched ass face. She's responsible for The Corrs, and the narrator tries to convince us that Plus One is a band we've heard of outside of this show.
The judges shake hands with the kids in line. They go inside. Tony reminds us that this is just the first city, and he can hardly imagine what it'll be like in the other five cities.
Some guy stammers to us that his heart is racing. Jaymes tells the group waiting to audition that if they don't think they're as good as the girls of Eden's Crush, they should leave right now. Nobody moves. "We did not teach them to dance," Jaymes admits. "We did not teach them to sing." No shit. The auditions are in groups of 150. Five audition at a time. Are y'all ready? It's time for the fun to start.
Tommy Antico, eighteen, Detroit, MI. Damn. I liked it more when they told us what they did for a living. How else would I have learned about Nicole being a Karaoke DJ? That's priceless knowledge, people. Anyway, Tommy's wearing giant shells around his neck and a green sleeveless shirt. His hair is short and curly, with much gel. It's hard to tell, but I think they're singing Joe's "I Wanna Know." Nothing special. Nothing interesting. We're only getting five seconds for each auditioner, here.
Jose Gonzalez, twenty-two, Lancaster, PA. I can't recognize these songs the men are singing. Jose has no hair. He looks sleepy.
Hana McGrath, nineteen, Roslyn Heights, NY, holds one note and commands no attention.
Christina Cataldo, twenty-two, Greenport, NY, should have stayed at home or should have put her hair up or something that made her look like she wasn't the yearbook editor. And hey, I was the assistant editor, so I'm allowed to say that.
Daniela Soto, twenty-three, New York, NY, has fake hair, fake age, no eyebrows, and a scary face. She's hardly wearing a t-shirt as the narrator explains to us that these people are singing actual songs that were previously recorded by successful pop stars and now they're using these songs as auditioning tools. Everyone understand? Great. Two of the songs are Nelly Furtado's "I'm Like a Bird" and Joe's "I Wanna Know." This girl's singing Christina's "All I Want Is You."
The judges confer. Jaymes thinks #1 doesn't suck entirely, and #2 has a "cute personality" and seems to know how to keep a beat. Jaymes tells them that it's not an easy choice, but that they're not going to have any of them back. !
Sharra Dade, twenty-one, Brooklyn, NY, receptionist. This year's Alexis. She tells us that she's already got a popstar name, so she's just waiting to be made into one. The narrator informs us that Sharra has already won several local talent contests. I turn to my roommate and belt out "How Lovely To Be a Woman" from Bye, Bye, Birdie and he pins a ribbon to my chest. I'm a local winner too, Sharra. Take that. She sings "All I Want Is You" in a painful way. She's hurting inside, you know? In a split screen, she informs us that it's important to look like you're emotional and capable of feeling feelings while you sing so that people know that you're alive. Then they'll enjoy watching you perform and enjoy you enjoying yourself. Her words, not mine. Crapcock tells Jaymes that he thinks Sharra doesn't suck. Jaymes is all, "Did you see her, how she looked in the monitor? She looked mean." Jaymes, the monitor is on you, girl. Not Sharra. Jaymes backs down and tells the guys that if they like her they can invite her back. Crapcock says that Sharra's got a "decent" voice. Jaymes cuts in to say that "decent" just isn't enough, but Tony talks over her and invites Sharra back. Sharra screams and walks back and forth a few times.
Incredibly extreme close-up of Sharra's face on the phone in the lobby. She's covered in more snot than if the Blair Witch was coming. She's thanking someone for praying for her and for helping her pick out her outfit because she got a callback. So many tears.
People sing in the lobby. Singing, singing, singing.
Jackie Salvucci, twenty-one, Boston, MA, waiter. Now. It's incredibly important to be from Boston if you're going to be in a boy band. Jackie already knows this, which is why he almost made it into O-Town. I wouldn't have known this if I wasn't recapping that show as well and yes, I do think it's sort of sad that I know that Jackie is a rejected O-Town member. He wants to be a "Popstah." I'm going to write the words as they appear on the screen, because I couldn't have made it any funnier. Jackie: "I'm gonna be a Popstah, baby." Vanessa: "I'm Jackie's little sistah, Vanessah." Jackie: "She wants to be a Popstah too, so maybe we can be Popstahs togethah." Vanessa pops in and puts her arm around Jackie's shoulder: "Our dream is to be in the same group. Well, mine is; I don't know about heh." Jackie stands in front of the judges and announces that he's going to be singing "All-Stah." It's warbly and too high. Why is "All-Star" even an option? There's no singing in Smash Mouth. Tony likes Jackie, but Jaymes merely says, "Broadway." She doesn't like him, but the boys do. Again. Tony says he can feel something from Jackie. "Fair enough," Jaymes waves. They call Jackie back, and he falls to the ground with his fist on his face as dramatic music swells and the room erupts in applause like Mr. Holland just finished his opus. Jackie tells us that things went "awesome," and that they "called one name, it was my numbah," and he hit the floor. Yeah, we know. Why does everything have to be repeated?
Dorothy Szamborska, twenty, Bayside, NY. She says that ever since she was little, her mother saw her walking around holding an imaginary microphone. The narrator tells us that Dorothy is from Poland, and moved here when she was seven. She's skinny. Very skinny. She's this year's Alexandra. She tells us that in Poland there's no way you can become a member of a girl group. She makes it sound like she can't sing in Poland. Her best friend is a girl named Lian Ellis, twenty-three, Mount Vernon, NY. They show us the cover of the CD they made together when they were in a girl band a short time ago. That girl band didn't do so well. That girl band was R-Angels, with their debut album Where's the Party? Their single "I Need To Know" is still available at Amazon.com for $3.50 used. Dude. I can't resist sharing the music reviews for the single. Here they are, in all their [sic] glory:
R-ANGELS ARE THE BOMB!, July 31, 2000
Reviewer: trlchick from BLACKWOOD,NJ USA
R-ANGELS FIRST SINGLE "I NEED TO KNOW" A HIT. IT IS A VERY FUN POPPY SONG WITH THE COURS:I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU LOVE ME TOO IF YOU SAY THOSE CRAZY FEELINGS CAN COME OVER YOU".AND ALSO IT HAS REMIX TO "I NEED TO KNOW" AND CLIPS OF "LEFT TO RIGHT",(GREAT SONG,SINGLE),BABY I'LL DO(A VERY NICE SLOW SONG) AND "INTIMATE"(MATURE,VERY R&B).R-ANGELS ARE GREAT SINGERS,GREAT DANCERS,AND VERY NICE IN PERSON.
But wait, there's more:
Awsome song!, March 10, 2000
Reviewer: Josephine from New Jersey, USA
I love this song! I thing these girls are great! One of the girls is my friends cousin! I can't wait to buy the CD!cool group of girls, March 6, 2000
Reviewer: A music fan
I want to say that this group is well on their way to sucsess! They have a great single. Their songs are up beat and they really get you going. I can't wait to check out the CD. Keep it up Girls!they're EVERYBODY's angel, March 6, 2000
Reviewer: A music fan from Brooklyn, NY
R Angels proves to be THE girl group of the millennium for avid consumers of pop music. Not since the Spice Girls has there been a young female group to so seamlessly blend addictive dance beats with catchy lyrics. You might even say they go a step beyond the Spice Girls in that they can ALL sing. Buy this now so you can pick out your favorite before their full length album comes out! (I vote for Gina -- the curly haired brunette!)
I love how the last one is so not Gina's mom. Lian is supposed to enter med school at Cornell in the fall, and if she doesn't make it on Popstars, she's going to have to be a doctor. She tells us that it's not so bad to have to be a doctor instead of a huge pop success, but we know she doesn't believe it. Lian's kinda cute with her bouncy hair and her happy face.
Dorothy's singing, using the Pointed Finger of Divadom. She's singing "I'm Like a Bird." She's slowed the song all down and it's not very emotional, but she hits all the notes and her voice is clean. She bounces to the beat and clutches her hands.
Lian's , singing "Say My Name." What a weird song to pick, since most of the chorus isn't really all that sung. Why not "Bills, Bills, Bills" or "Survivor"? Lian's got the song too slow, and I don't think she knows all of the words. Jaymes cuts her off. The narrator tells us that it's really difficult to stand there and wait for the judges to make their decisions. The narrator babbles until we eavesdrop on the judges. Jaymes doesn't really like Lian, but she thinks that Dorothy's got something "special." She says that Dorothy's got a great "All-American, pretty voice" quality. She calls the two girls back. They hug and clutch each other. They jump up and down and their hipbones crack against each other like a Jacob's Ladder.
"All-American" Dorothy calls her mother and explains in perfect Polish that she made it to the callbacks. Hysterical. Lian makes her mother guess, and then tells her she got a callback. She starts laughing before she finishes, knowing how silly it is. She tells her mother that she probably won't be going to med school if she gets in. She's all, "I know you're all upset about it." Then she's all, "Isn't it great?" She tells us that her mother is speechless, but we just know that her mother has stabbed herself in the stomach with a sharp object.
Jackie's sister "Vanessah" is up aftah the commericah. She's gonna sing "Say My Name." That girl's got a lot of hair. Lots of it.
Can't they release Harry Potter faster? You know, on account of the war and all? I don't need Lance Bass telling me that his movie is going to help the wartime effort when there's a perfectly good Harry Potter movie just sitting in the can.
The Popstars interactive trivia game informs us that 39% think that guys will bring more sex appeal to the show. You can now carry on with your lives.
Vanessa didn't get to audition last year because she was too young. Damn, are we still in New York? What day is it? Jackie's already got his callback. Will Vanessa? She's eighteen, singing "Say My Name." She sounds a little Chipmunk-y.
Lindsay O'Connell, nineteen, Milltown, NJ, is singing a song that sounds like Cole Porter wrote it. She also looks like she can't breathe. She's all hunched forward, lurching towards the judges. She's got braces and a halter top.
Danielle Raffa, twenty, Suffern, NY is making us all Suffern. Yes, I may have stolen that joke from Sex and the City, but she's stolen her look from the two Toris. Crapcock tells Jaymes that girls would want to be like Vanessa because she's "trendy and cool." They call her back, but not the other two ladies. Outside, Jackie picks her up and spins her. "Brotha Sistah Baby!" he yells at us. "We both did it!" Vanessa laughs from inside her noogie.
Travis Barr-Longo, twenty-one, Cazenovia, NY, will be good for a few laughs. His grandmother paid for his trip out here. He takes his audition spot and starts speaking in Spanish about how happy he is to be there. He's a singing waiter, y'all. I can't tell what song he's singing. In a split-screen, he tells someone on his cell phone that he went in speaking Spanish and that he told them, "Many kisses from a Spice Boy." I love him. The real Travis would have loved him. I miss Travis.
Diane Lozada, twenty-three, Flushing, NY, is very small and lacking anything that makes me want to look at her. Her pants are skanky and she's very skinny and she looks like she's hungry. Jaymes tells Crapcock that she doesn't like Travis's voice. She just disagrees with everything Crapcock says. She wants to make him into the ManJennifer. Will it happen? They call back Travis and Diane. Travis tries to hug Diane, but she's too into herself, so he has to turn and hug the loser to him, who's all, "Thanks. I didn't win -- you know that, right?" Travis gets on his cell phone and doesn't even get out the word "made" in "I made the callback" before he starts bawling and clicking on the phone. He starts sobbing as the person to him is all, "He's really embarrassing." Travis says he can't believe he made the callback, since they turned away "really, really talented people."
New York is over, and they only took seventy-two out of the thousand that auditioned. Good Lord, that's exhausting. How is this the best tape out of the thousand? We see a montage of strangers, all celebrating their victory. I guess we might meet them later. Who knows? The narrator tells us that the judges are "far from overwhelmed" at the talent in the New York audition. Crapcock tells us that they haven't really found someone who would sing lead yet, but might have found a couple of backup singers. Jaymes reminds us that there are five more cities. Tony repeats it.
Los Angeles. Some kid looks like he's standing outside my apartment as he announces that they're all in Los Angeles for the auditions. So many people standing outside. The narrator informs is that it's "quickly becoming a Popstars trend." Is a "trend" two times? I didn't know that. Man. Girls are in rollers, telling us they've been camped out for almost two days for this audition. Megaphone man announces that they're out of wristbands for women. Some girl's all shocked that she came to the audition at 6:30 thinking she'd be early for the 7:00 call, and now she can't audition. That's Los Angeles for you. Always thinking you're special and that you're going out of your way when you're just doing what you're supposed to do. Number 394 tells us he's excited to audition.
Moi (pronounced "Moy") Juarez, twenty, Torrance, CA, grew up in Mexico with his dad. Now he's back in the states and he wants to dance. I want him to unroll that one leg and take that towel out from under his hat. I hate him. He starts singing, but stops to breakdance, which I think should be grounds for disqualification. They're impressed with the breakdancing. I'm impressed that Moi's holding onto the Punky Brewster fashion sense. They ask him to stop singing, so he hits one high note before he stops, and then backs up. The judges discuss him, saying that they'd like to see him without that ridiculous hat. He's got some kind of "vibe," apparently. They ask him to take off his hat. He's wearing a penis cap under it. They ask him to take that off as well. He's a dead-ringer for Erik-Michael Estrada. He's so in and I hate him. They make him do the dance move again. They love it and invite him back. Moi tells us he's a breakdancer and that's what he does all day long. Then why try for the singing gig, exactly?
Some girl explains auditions to a group of auditioners. I'll spare you. I'll also spare you this montage of people singing vocal warm-ups, doing push-ups, and such.
Oh, people. Jennifer Kumiyama, twenty-one, Long Beach, CA, has always wanted to be famous. She's also always been in a wheelchair. She does musical theater in her community. She wheels up and sings her ass off. She's got a good voice like you're in church and you've got to put your hands up. Jaymes says she's got a "tremendous voice," and they decide to ask her how she thinks she'll be able to fit in a pop world when she's in a wheelchair. Jennifer says she's been living in a non-wheelchair world for sixteen years, and she's not going to let anything get in her way. She says she's dealt with musical theater choreography, and she knows it'll be tougher in the pop world, but she's ready to deal with any challenges. She says she's ready and willing to do whatever she has to do to get where she needs to be. Surprisingly, Jaymes doesn't ask her, "So, you mean you'll learn to walk if we give you a callback?" She does say they'll have to figure out what to do with her when she comes back tomorrow. Everyone applauds like Lucas made a touchdown. Jennifer tells us she's very happy she got a callback.
Kirsten and Ashley Laiken are nineteen and fraternal twins. The narrator informs us that they lived a "real-life Parent Trap." Their parents divorced, and one went to live with Dad, while the other lived with Mom. Now, one's a skank and one's a prude. Skank must have lived with Dad. They both tell us that the only thing they have in common is music, so it's nice to get to spend the evening together. Ashley is upset that Kirsten has hoed her up in lipstick, eye shadow, and a halter top. Kirsten sings first. "I'm Like A Bird" sounds like "I'm, Like, So Sure." Ashley sings "All I Want Is You." Boring. Jaymes turns to the others and says, "Aren't you just in shock?" Tony reminds Jaymes that it is an open call. Most L.A. actors aren't going to a cattle call unless their agents get them past the first callback. The girls are rejected, along with the rest of the group when the judges decide the girls are too nasaly. Kirsten explains it like this: "Obviously they don't know talent. And they don't know the right look. Because if they did, we would have made it." Well, there you go.
If you have a tape of this episode, hit pause right now so you can see this group of girls. Yikes. Cowboy hat and black pants shouldn't have worn her mesh bikini top to the audition. The other girl has no reason to wear a shirt with only one sleeve. We see all the girls leave at once as the narrator tells us that not everyone knows why they didn't make the cut, even when it's "painfully obvious" to the rest of us. Cue the reject reel!
Charles Kaufman, twenty-one, Laguna Niquel, CA, is reading the words off a piece of paper like he's delivering a speech. There's no singing and he doesn't know the song anyway. I can't even tell what he's singing. Jaymes stops him and asks if he knows the song. He admits he doesn't know it, and he's never heard it before. "It shows," Jaymes spits.
Y'all. Christopher Crevatas, twenty-five, from Ringwood, New Jersey is not kidding the fuck around, here. He starts screaming out the words to "I Wanna Know" and rips open his shirt. Everyone laughs but he's lost in his boy-band glow. Hysterical. His voice is all over the place and it's like Just Jack finally got his audition.
Her name is Mary Meghan Pawley. She's nineteen and from Goodyear, Arizona. She explains to us that we can just call her "Nebula" because she's a star in the making. Got it? Great. She's a scary Trekkie kind of girl with her severe hair and her white, puffy face and her incredibly piercing opera song that she's decided to sing. Mommy? I'm scared. She's going to hurt someone. Wait. That's "All I Want Is You"? Jaymes stops her, and Nebula shouts, "Yes!" No!
Jeffrey Pigula, twenty-four, from Poughkeepsie, NY, has never heard of the song "All-Star." Or if he has, he decided to sing it like it's the theme from "Beverly Hillbillies." The voice is low. The facial hair is pure D&D. He's like Glark but with some hair problems. See, if he just cleaned himself up and stopped talking, he could be as cool as Glark! Damn. Poor Jeffrey. He may never learn that. Wait. They just got closer-up. Never mind. I'm totally wrong. This guy looks like Templeton from Charlotte's Web. Sorry, Glark. You're much better-looking. ["Glark wants you to know he's so cool, he's playing Counterstrike at 5 AM. And, uh, I'm so cool I'm editing this recap at 5 AM." -- Wing Chun]
Okay. The entire hour has been for this moment right here. Tyrregginald Harris, twenty-four, from Chicago, IL. It's as if he let me make up his name, isn't it? Tyrregginald is wearing a big ol' red sweatshirt and acid-washed black jeans. He tries to sing a song, but he forgets the words. He takes a second and starts again. He stops. It's an uncomfortable silence. Tyrrreggggginnnalldldld stands there long enough for us to go, "Uh," when all of a sudden he starts moving like electric currents are shooting through his body. Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em! He's moving back and forth, wiggling around, freaking the hell out. Tony's like, "What the hell is that guy doing?" And then all of a sudden, as quickly as it started, Tyrerreggidggdindadsdlldldd stops moving, bends backwards and starts moving his arms through the air like he's in The Matrix. I watched it nine times. It never, ever, ever stops being funny. The best is while he's freaking out all dancing around, there's one girl in the audience all, "Woo!" and you know she turned and was like, "That's my baby, right there!" Man. I'm gonna rewind and watch it again. Hold on. Fuck, that's funny. Jaymes all off-camera all, "Thank you." Hee. Heeeeeeeee. Tyrrrregggggginnnnnnnallllllllddddddddd, you so crazy.
Timoor Elikbaev, twenty-three, Brooklyn, NY, would have won the earlier spot of Best Freak, but he had to follow my baby's daddy T.H. there. This is a flashback to the New York auditions, I guess. Timoor tosses his lyrics aside immediately and shoves his foot behind his head while he's standing. He's wearing a jumpsuit and pink sunglasses and for a second I'm convinced it's Andy Dick. He goes into the splits, stands back up, and spins. Girls in the background scream like they just found out there was a panty raid going on. Timoor gives the jazz hands and then goes, "All right?" and walks off. Okaaaaay?
A man fills the camera, going, "I'm very, very nervous!" He points and wiggles his head and goes, "But that's okay, because I'm singing 'Bye, Bye, Bye'!" The narrator informs us that this is Brandon Durand, nineteen, from Cypress, California, and he met his girlfriend Britteny Cole at an audition. That's right, they said "girlfriend." Brandon is a very good actor. Both Brandon and Britteny are auditioning today. Brandon is nineteen like I'm seven, by the way. He starts beatboxing in front of the judges and goes into his best Justin. His voice is shitty and way too scratchy, but he can dance. Jaymes is happy to have found a dancer, and they call him back. Aren't these supposed to be the damn vocal auditions? No fair! There's a guy in the back who looks like Ray Romano, and he's all sneering at Brandon like, "No! That's no good! You can't dance! You're a cheater! No! This is awful! I didn't dance! Who said we could dance?"
Ryan Champion, twenty-three from West Linn, Oregon, can sing. He's blond. Nothing fancy. Jaymes wants Brandon even though she knows he can't sing. "You can't have it all," she says. "Yes, you can," says Crapcock. "Yes, you can," Jaymes argues with nobody. They call back Ryan and Brandon.
The narrator explains that Brandon toned down his excitement while he waited to see what will happen to Britteny. After the commercial, it's her turn. And judging from this teaser they just gave us of Britteny singing, there's going to be a breakup very soon.
Britteny tells us that she's really a dancer, so this part of the audition has her nervous. The narrator informs us that Britteny and Brandon (bleagh) have a pact: whoever's career takes off first will make the other one do whatever it takes to support it. By breaking up instantly and talking shit for years. Britteny sasses and reads the lyrics off a sheet of paper. She doesn't get a callback.
Brandon holds Britteny out in the lobby. He lisps to us that she's strong and amazing. He then pushes her and starts dating the wheelchair girl.
Only fifty people made it to the callback, forty-seven of whom we've never seen before. Butt-crack girl spins with joy.
On to San Francisco. God, this is only the third city? This is going to take forever. Girls show us the food they're eating during the wait. They're the only people eating at this audition. They're covered in ho clothes.
Kanya Coleman, twenty-four, from Oakland, CA, has three kids and a husband. She's also got a giant fur coat that's she's chosen to wear so she's more like Macy Gray. She tries to sing "Say My Name" and fucks up, so they ask her to go straight to the chorus. She laughs and admits she doesn't know the chorus. She tries and just tosses in words all, "Say my name, say my name, you drapin' all the babies, givin' me the scabies." They tell her to stop and berate her for not knowing the words to the song. Then they don't call her back and then they beat on her again, saying she shouldn't be there at all, wasting their time. You know what else shouldn't be there? Crapcock's shirt, which makes him look like he's wearing Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Kanya cries in the lobby, telling us she didn't know the chorus, and now it's all over.
Crapcock tells a group of people that they know what it takes to be a Popstar. Montage of people dancing as Poe sings. Some guy is on his back explaining that they go in five at a time and get cut five at a time. We don't even get to learn his name, and he got more screen time than most of the people in this episode.
A girl tells us that the judges are mean and that Jaymes is scary.
Tony asks someone if she even knows the song she's singing. "Just checking," Jaymes says.
Another girl tells us that the judges are just staring at you all stern waiting for you to fail.
Tony says this is a record deal and a video. "It's millions of dollars," Jaymes adds.
A girl says that the judges are looking for a certain body type. Then she eats some food.
A guy with no teeth drinks a Coke and says they're looking for a certain ethnic group. They might also be looking for someone with teeth.
Josh Henderson's girlfriend Morgan Dunham found out about the auditions and then booked a flight to San Francisco the day for her boyfriend to audition. Josh never says a word and looks off to the right as Morgan explains to us, "I think that Josh has the talent and the potential and the heart for all of this and I think that if this isn't for him there's something else out there and I think that he's gonna put everything he has into everything he does." Okay, first of all, Morgan? You said nothing there. Not one thing. And secondly, let Josh say something. Josh sings some *NSYNC and he's really pretty so they call him back. He tells us that his friends and family are going to be very happy about this. Poor Josh, with no opinions or dreams of his own.
Fifty-seven people got the "elusive" callback. Cue Narrator Sound Clip #3 from last year: "Bringing them one step closer to their dream." Montage of people celebrating. Strangers clutch each other and cheer.
We're going to Chicago to see a pretty girl who just became a mother. She sings well and has incredible lip gloss. Can she do it without being a karaoke DJ?
They spelled Britteny's name wrong in the interactive game. I love it. Oh, and 64% of you think that it's going to be "tough" for those two kids to stay together in this business.
Chicago. "Another crush of hopefuls lines up for a shot at instant stardom." Oh, narrator. Now you're just teasing me. Jaymes shows the girl who has the #1 slot, since none of us will ever see her again for the rest of our lives. Two girls met at the audition, and now they're best friends. Someone tells us you can't get the experience from just watching this show on television.
Angela Peel, nineteen, from Chicago, wanted to audition last year, but she was pregnant. Now she's got a three-month-old named Angel Christian and she's got his name tattooed on her arm and she's ready to go. She wears a bindi and sings pretty well. She's got timing and a personality. I like her. She's got great eyes, by the way. She's this year's Shaunda, I'm afraid.
Marcus Terell Butts, eighteen, Kansas City, MO, has decided to change the words so that he's singing directly to Jaymes. I don't know how, but it works, and they call him back anyway. Angela gets called back as well. She says, "Honestly, this is a good thing for me, getting this audition, because I'm nineteen years old. Having a baby. I thought my life was over with, but apparently not yet." "Thanks, Mommy," says Angel Christian.
Lindsey Pearlman, twenty-two, from Chicago, was not my best friend last year. She made the second round of callbacks but was cut. I don't think I was interested in her, and I do remember that she cried. This year she's my best friend. She's got better hair, better makeup, and her mom came with her. She tells the camera that she's feeling it this year, that she slept outside on the sidewalk and she brushed her teeth and spit in a coffee cup and she's feeling rugged. She roars like a lion and announces that she's ready to go. Unfortunately, she's just not that good in the audition. Her voice isn't all that great. They don't call her back. She tells us that she thought she did really well, but apparently she's not what they're looking for. She starts crying and says it sucks to get rejected. Poor girl. Go do comedy. That's what all of us rejected girls end up doing. You'll love it, Lindsey.
Oh, and Joe Warrick, twenty-one, from Griffith, IN. No personality, military-looking, borderline talent. He gets a callback. Why are all these boys so boring?
Forty-three people got called back from Chicago. We met, like, two of them.
D.C. Two girls rap very poorly. Another girl tells us that she eats, sleeps, and lives music. Tony flirts with the crowd.
Donavan Green, twenty-three, Baltimore, MD. The narrator tries to get us to believe that this guy is a "local talent" with his fashion design. Using a puffy paint pen to write the word "Popstar" on a t-shirt does not make you Ralph Lauren, okay? The judges act all impressed with Donavan's Breakdancing Chic, and he admits he made the shirt and the bandanna, but a friend made the pants. He sings and tells us in a split screen that he thinks he can sing, dance, and he's like what everyone is listening to these days. They keep asking him to stop singing and he keeps on not stopping and just keeps on singing. Tony says he asked Donovan to go to the chorus, and he didn't. "You feelin' it, though," he says, and then calls him back.
Oh, Mindy Satterfield, twenty-one, from Bethesda. I wish we followed her more than just these fifteen seconds. Her arms have giant tattoos. She says she's pissed off about the people in line because they keep butting in. She sings Uncle Kracker's "Follow Me," but she changes the words to talk about herself and says that they'd better pick her because they'll never find another girl like Mindy. She's all tough and acting like she's going to punch someone. "Trouble," Jaymes voice-overs, as Mindy takes her place back in line. Not called back. Outside, Mindy tells everyone that it's like a slaughterhouse in there. She smokes her cigarette and says she sucked, but that good people were getting cut. "There were people in there that were singing like a MamaJama, and were, like, doing the whole dance thing!" Love her.
The narrator: "Texas girl Kimberly Caldwell thought she had the perfect family until her parents split up." Heh. The second part of that sentence is funny, but also, there are probably nine hundred girls in Texas named Kim Caldwell. This one blonde does look kind of familiar, though. She tells us that she wants to become rich and famous so she can buy her mom a house. Her mom looks tired of giving blowjobs in trailers and admits she'd like to have a house bought by Kim as well. She wants to be fed grapes. Damn if these ladies don't look familiar. Well, there you go. In the ultimate shout-out, Kim is from Katy, TX, home of Clint Black, Renee Zellweger, and your very own Pamie. Janeane Garofalo was there for a year as well. This says Kim's nineteen, but I'm not buying it. I'll check my yearbooks. Hold on....Well, she either has a sister named Megan, or she went to my rival high school, or she went to school with my little sister. In any event, this girl looks really familiar. Not that I live in white trash. Damn. I dug my own hole on that one, didn't I? Calling her mama a whore and then being all, "Shout-out! Hey, neighbor! Our mamas work the same circuit!" Have you ever made a joke that ended up with you calling your own mother a whore? It doesn't make you feel good. Moving on. Kim sings pretty and they call her back, telling her that she's got an "unique tone" to her voice, which means she won't make the final cut.
It's time for Christopher DiCristo, twenty-one, from Medford, NJ. He's small. He wears camouflage. He's got spunk. Unfortunately, he's also got stage fright. He starts singing and stops. He goes back for the lyrics on the ground, and the judges tell him it's okay to use the lyrics. He screws up again and says that he worked hard and they can't hold this against him. Jaymes says they can and they will and tell him that he can stop now. Chris says he's not done and that he's been singing since he was.... "Thank you," they say, and tell him to take his place. Christopher is pissed, and persistent. When the judges tell all of them to leave, Christopher shouts that he knows the song now. They tell him it's too late. He starts singing it anyway, barreling towards them, making me shout, "Security!" His voice is everywhere and crazy loud. He's small and he's going to shoot someone someday. He starts to cry and says he got nervous. They tell him that he had his chance and it's over now, and that Christopher can't just choke in the important situations because eventually he'll have to perform and "be on television" and they can't afford to have him get nervous. People are laughing at him in the background. Jaymes tells him to leave.
Out in the lobby, Chris is crying, telling us that he got nervous. He says he's been singing for a long time. He says he could have done it and he went back up but they told him it was too late. He wishes he could do it again. He looks up with his tears and he says, "And I told them to remember my name. And it's Chris DiChristo." He walks off crying.
The narrator: "The judges left broken hearts in Washington, but also soaring spirits." Is that even a sentence? Montage of celebrating strangers. God, is this almost over? I'm dying, here. Fifty-one people get a callback. Some guy is on his cell phone singing, "I made it!" Douche.
Hello, Alexandra. We'll see you and your crying, puffy, shaking face when we get back from commercial and head to Miami.
Jaymes decides to walk through the line in Miami. They're all waiting on the beach. Some group got pizza delivered. Jaymes finds one girl who keeps singing "Say My Name" to the camera in her bikini. Jaymes shouts, "The judge is over here!" The girl briefly looks at Jaymes, and then back at us.
Fairuza Balk is having hard times, y'all. She's in Miami begging to be seen by a Popstar judge.
Jillion Schulz, eighteen, Cocoa Beach, FL, tells us that she's made friends here overnight. The narrator tells us that Jillion has been singing since she was two, performing since she was five, and made her first recording at eight. She sings very well, but she's not exactly pretty. This year's Christian singer who will drop out? Probably. But judging from the blue shimmer eye shadow, it won't be Jesus that makes Jillion have to drop out. Jaymes stops her and says that the singing was really nice, but that she was completely singing to herself, with her eyes shut. She tells Jillion that she has to have her eyes open and perform. Jillion says she didn't want to make them uncomfortable. They call her back and warn her again to keep her damn eyes open. I hate Jaymes. Jillion celebrates in the lobby, immediately forgetting what Jaymes told her.
Matt Pieper from Sweetwater, NJ was seventeen when Popstars was auditioning in New York. He was turned away, but turned eighteen last week, so he flew down to Miami to audition. Too bad his singing doesn't match his determination. He looks like Sloth with blonde hair. They don't call him back.
Alexandra Bachelier is now nineteen. We see her sobbing face shake and then turn toward a wall. Again. She tells us that she's lost fifteen pounds since last year. She's smiling and laughing. She's tanner and her hair is now orange. She says she's been working on her body and her dance. "I'm really proud of myself and I think a lot of confidence." Whatever that means. Jaymes says they recognize her from last year. Alexandra cuts in to say she has to prove herself. Jaymes agrees that she does. Some guy wolf whistles inappropriately. Alexandra says there was one thing she was lacking last year that she's not lacking now, and that one thing is the thing that is confidence and self-esteem. Alexandra: less talking, less crying, more dancing. Wash off that purple eye shadow and grow real eyebrows. Just a few tips there. She sings, and her belly button looks like it's about to sing along with her. It's a strange shape. They call her back and tell her that she sang well. "I'm coming back!" Alexandra taunts everyone in the lobby.
Good Christ, it's over. It's over. Six thousand people are down to three hundred. Montage of strangers over a song I've never heard. I don't care. It's fucking over. People are celebrating and hugging. Smiles and kisses and tears. Butt-crack girl spins again. Alexandra shouts again.
week people are going to sing and scare us. A Britney lookalike says she can mold herself into whatever they want, whether it's Britney or Jessica. They ask if she's proud that she doesn't have her own identity. She says that if they don't like what she looks like, they can make her look like someone else. There's your answer.