This concert's so bad it's best just to do it like you're ripping off a Band-Aid. Here we go.
We start with lyrics on the screen. It's the words to "School's Out." Then it's all, "Alice Cooper," like we've been reading Wordsworth. Shots of kids screaming at the camera. Tiny children cheer and jump in the air as the list of "performers" is read. The added bonus of this show is finding out the Teen Choice Awards nominees. Not the winners, just the nominees. Oh, man, it's hosted by those fucking Wayans brothers again.
Pamie: Oh no. What is this thing? This is The Teen Choice Awards?
Stee: I don't know what it is. Basically, we have no idea what we're recapping. "Shaggy. Shaq. Sisqo." This is going to be amazing.
Pamie: I'm so excited about the Teen Choice Funniest Moments.
Stee: Oh, the Marlon and Shawn Wayans. Last year, MTV Music Video Awards, this year Teenapalooza. What's year?
Pamie: The Funniest Person in Kalamazoo Awards.
We're at Virginia Beach for this spectacle. There are 10,000 teens in attendance. The Wayans brothers are wearing their janitorial finest. A news ticker scrolls across the top of the screen, but we refuse to read it for you.
Stee: You know, we're the oldest people besides Shaggy to have to watch this show.
They go quickly with the Sisqo, and inform us that he's going to be singing his "new single." This translates as, "A song you've never heard before." And three seconds in, it's easy to see why you've never heard it before. Teens scream so loudly you can't really hear the song anyway, which I'm sure the producers are doing on purpose. Siqso is trotting around in his red denim outfit.
Stee: Have you noticed that upside-down visors are all the rage?
Pamie: Yeah. That's right.
Stee: My grandfather used to wear an upside-down visor, but not on purpose.
Pamie: Right. It generally means you're drunk or confused.
Teens put their hands in the air, but they don't try to touch him. Smart teens. Sisqo keeps going on long after the thrill of thongs songs are gone. He's joined by backup dancers, backup rappers, and fog machines, but it's still a boring-ass song. He does a one-handed cartwheel. Quit your day job, Sisqo.
Pamie: Oh man. From "Best New Artist" to opening for O-Town: Sisqo.
Stee: Sad.
Stee: There are thirteen people actually watching.
Pamie: See those girls in the audience just chatting?
Stee: Is Sisqo, like, a rapper or a singer?
Pamie: He's one of those? I didn't think he was either.
Stee: You don't feel that Sisqo is a singer or a rapper?
Pamie: No. He's just a Sisqo. I guess I thought he was a rapper.
Stee: Where does he rap, then?
Pamie: "The Thong Song"?
Stee: There's no rapping. He's a singer. Remember on "The Wild Wild West"?
Pamie: Oh yeah.
Stee: Do you think on that song they told Stevie Wonder what the video he was shooting was for or they kept it from him?
Pamie: Do you think it's unhealthy that we know this much about Sisqo?
Stee: Yes. I had a 4.0 in college. Did you know that?
Pamie: And now?
Stee: I know a lot about Sisqo. Remember earlier today, I didn't know if Poland and Hungary were near each other? And meanwhile I know that Sisqo broke out on The Wild Wild West soundtrack.
Pamie: I used to be able to do calculus. And now I spent hours debating the new Janet versus the old Janet.
Stee: Are you talking about the old Janet, or the old, old, old Janet?
Pamie: Exactly. Look, it's all daytime. Sisqo is performing at like two o'clock in the afternoon.
Stee: Jamiroquai called. He wants his dance moves back.
Pamie: These kids' sugar highs are going to be done before the song is.
Stee: It's going to be their bedtime before Shaq comes out.
Pamie: Is Shaq done rapping?
Stee: I hope so. But I doubt it.
Pamie: Man, this is dumb. Whose idea was it that we do this?
Stee: Mine.
Pamie: You owe me. It's only five minutes in and you already owe me.
Stee: Sad.
Stee: There are thirteen people actually watching.
Pamie: See those girls in the audience just chatting?
Stee: Is Sisqo, like, a rapper or a singer?
Pamie: He's one of those? I didn't think he was either.
Stee: You don't feel that Sisqo is a singer or a rapper?
Pamie: No. He's just a Sisqo. I guess I thought he was a rapper.
Stee: Where does he rap, then?
Pamie: "The Thong Song"?
Stee: There's no rapping. He's a singer. Remember on "The Wild Wild West"?
Pamie: Oh yeah.
Stee: Do you think on that song they told Stevie Wonder what the video he was shooting was for or they kept it from him?
Pamie: Do you think it's unhealthy that we know this much about Sisqo?
Stee: Yes. I had a 4.0 in college. Did you know that?
Pamie: And now?
Stee: I know a lot about Sisqo. Remember earlier today, I didn't know if Poland and Hungary were near each other? And meanwhile I know that Sisqo broke out on The Wild Wild West soundtrack.
Pamie: I used to be able to do calculus. And now I spent hours debating the new Janet versus the old Janet.
Stee: Are you talking about the old Janet, or the old, old, old Janet?
Pamie: Exactly. Look, it's all daytime. Sisqo is performing at like two o'clock in the afternoon.
Stee: Jamiroquai called. He wants his dance moves back.
Pamie: These kids' sugar highs are going to be done before the song is.
Stee: It's going to be their bedtime before Shaq comes out.
Pamie: Is Shaq done rapping?
Stee: I hope so. But I doubt it.
Pamie: Man, this is dumb. Whose idea was it that we do this?
Stee: Mine.
Pamie: You owe me. It's only five minutes in and you already owe me.
A Wayans brother says both "hotties" and "bootylicious" in the same sentence. Therefore it won't be recapped. The nominees for "Choice Hottie" are Aaliyah, Jessica Alba, Gwen Stefani, Beyoncé Knowles, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, and Tara Reid.
Stee: "Choice Hottie"?
Pamie: It's only the first two letters. "Choice Ho."
Beyoncé tells us that Britney and Aaliyah are "way hotter" than she is. Jessica Alba says that this nomination is "embarrassing." Shaq says this race will be tough.
Pamie: Man, what happened to Shaq! Watch him all trying to figure out what H-O-T-T-I-E means!
Stee: That was his "six-million-dollar smile" we just got. He calls his smiles by different prices. Again, sad that I know this.
Dream takes the stage.
Stee: Who is this group with the big titties?
Pamie: Dream. Puffy's group. They don't work because they have four. You have to be five.
Stee: LFO is three.
Pamie: Who is LFO?
Stee: Yeah. I guess I just proved your point.
There's not much else to say here, since we don't know any of their names, songs, or gossip. They're the most invisible girl group to 3LW.
Pamie: What did Marlon say when he introduced them?
Stee: I'll tell you later.
Pamie: You'll tell me later?
Stee: He said that Dream was the only thing Puffy signed last year where he didn't need his lawyers present.
Pamie: Of course he did.
Stee: No. He means...The joke is...Man, I'm explaining a Marlon Wayans joke to you. That's just sad.
Pamie: It's only because it's not funny.
Stee: You know how Puffy had legal problems last year?
Pamie: Yeah, but to sign a group you need lawyers present.
Stee: I give up.
Pamie: Can we go back to watching Shaq trying to sound out words?
Stee: Yes. Please.
Dream. One girl is wearing a very tiny skirt and doing squats. That's one way to get us to notice her. Their moves are exactly the same as Eden's Crush's.
Pamie: I thought their song was about having a crush on you.
Stee: They might have more than one song, you know.
Pamie: No.
The audience stands very still and the tape plays girls screaming on a loop. Again, backup dancers aren't helping, here.
Stee: What do you think you think if you're one of Dream's dads?
Pamie: Right.
Stee: Do you think that you know everyone wants to either fuck your daughter or take advantage of her?
Pamie: I think you just have to ignore it and focus on the good parts.
Stee: Like what?
Pamie: I don't know.
Sisqo explains that we're going to see the top ten funniest moments of the past Teen Choice Awards ceremonies, and #10 is Ashton Kutcher walking out to announce wearing only his underwear and the rest of a suit. He only forgot his pants. It's just as funny as it sounds.
Sisqo tries to explain this segment, but it still doesn't make any sense. Two Boot Camp drill sergeants come out and yell at two men sitting on stools, and then bark the upcoming performers at us. The teens are going nuts in the audience, and through the screaming of words, the background music leading to commercial, and the teens screaming like *NSYNC's onstage, you can't hear a word that's being said. It doesn't matter though, because Justin is so fine WOOOOOOOOOOO!
They have packed this concert with commercials. Good. Undeclared looks unfunny.
Stee: Can we fast-forward through the commercials?
Pamie: Yes.
Stee: And can we fast-forward through O-Town's performance?
Pamie: No, I have to watch it for work. And for Ashley.
Stee: You're like a junior high-school girl all saying, "I hate Billy. I hate Billy." Because, you know, you truly love the shit out of Billy. All you do is talk about O-Town all day.
Pamie: I do not talk about O-Town all day!
Stee: You so do. You talk about "Liquid Dreams" all day.
Pamie: Shut up! I'm trying to work here.
Stee: Fast-forward.
Pamie: Oh right. I was busy trying to think of a comeback.
The Boot Camp people are now shaving the heads of the guys on the stools, turning one man from a frat boy to a scary frat boy. The other goes from geek to scary geek. The teens scream their way out of boredom. The Wayanses ask whether the audience is having fun, and then introduce O-Town immediately before the audience can answer. Pamie's roommate Ray walks through the room and sits down for the rest of the show, unable to resist the terrible lure of the Teenapalooza.
Stee: Is this "Good For The Goose is Good For The Gander"? Or is that your other band?
Pamie: Shut up!
Stee: Do you think people would notice if boy/girl band members just started switching bands?
Pamie: I wouldn't.
Stee: If all of a sudden a member of 98 Degrees showed up in O-Town?
Pamie: Okay, some of us would know.
Stee: Where's the little gay one from Queer As Folk?
Pamie: He'll come out last.
They're doing "All or Nothing," for a change. Dan's out singing first all by himself. He's grown some facial hair. His voice changes on the second verse, like we're getting a different mic feed. Erik joins Dan halfway through the verse. He's shaved his head.
Stee: I'm trying to figure out what Erik looks like.
Pamie: That kid? Yeah.
Stee: Oh! He looks like the Gingerbread Man from Shrek.
Pamie: He does look like the Gingerbread Man from Shrek! When he sings. It's those lips! Fuck, that's funny. "Please don't eat me!"
It seems like there are only two people in the band now, since we're way into the chorus and there's still only two of them singing. Erik's voice is flat. Ashley saunters out for his solo. For a second, it looks like he's wearing a Mighty Big TV shirt. Erik stands all close to Ashley while they sing. Dan hangs out in his regulated spot in the back. Scary wailing takes over, announcing Jacob's arrival.
Pamie: Man, Jacob sure can't sing. I just had to get that on tape. You know what O-Town's big problem is?
Stee: They can't sing?
Pamie: Oh yeah. But B is, they can't dance. But C is they have no group look and they aren't cool enough individually to pull it off.
Stee: Who's the one that really, really can't sing.
Pamie: That's Jacob. You just missed him. He came in all, "Waaaaaoooeeeee!"
Stee: I like how they have him convinced that his voice is all "different" and "edgy" when it's really just "bad."
Pamie: Look who's talking about O-Town now.
Stee: The music reminds me of sitting in the movie theatre.
Pamie: This is like credit music.
Ray: Yeah, from some action movie. When the helicopters are circling around and they pull up from all the mayhem and the lovers kissing.
Pamie: Hey Ray. Your favorite, Eden's Crush, is going to be on.
Ray: Whoooo!
Girls in the audience sing along more like they're laughing that they know all of the words from the show. Oh, somehow Trevor got there, but he sure didn't get a moment-in-the-sun entrance like the others did. Everyone has to start singing on the back stage and then make their way down to the front stage eventually. The boys do it simply by walking out there. The song's choreography consists of just punching into the air on each word. Open your hand, close your hand into a fist, punch it in the air. Lower it and shake it, open your hand, shake, fist. Punch. How to be an O-Town boy in six easy steps. That's steps one through five. Six: lose all dignity. Dan gets the last note. The boys just walk away quietly.
Sisqo announces the ninth funniest moment. It's Andy Dick pretending to be sober in front of children. Ananda shows her nandas and Andy Dick rolls in on a Razor scooter and knocks something over. Ananda flubs her girl-power line. Andy Dick is no role model for children.
The Wayanses introduce Lil' Bow Wow.
Marlon: "Here's the only rapper who don't curse. Don't drink. And don't smoke."
Stee: Young M.C.!
Lil' Bow Wow doesn't rap the first minute and a half of his song. He just sort of walks around, asking the audience to say, "What?" He really didn't need to ask us to do that. We're doing it on our own. There's another guy on the stage, but he doesn't even rate getting his name announced, so we'll ignore him as well.
Pamie: Dude. It's Lil' Bow Wow!
Stee: Or is that Lil' Romeo?
Pamie: Oh, I have a feeling Lil' Bow Wow smokes. And drinks.
Stee: And curses.
Pamie: And fucks.
Stee: And what?
Pamie: Fucks.
Stee: Pamie, this is Teenapalooza.
Pamie: Oh, right. Sorry. How old is Lil' Bow Wow?
Stee: I don't know. Nine.
Ray: He ain't nine! He's got that Dabney Coleman disease.
Stee: What, you mean he's unfunny and has no career?
Pamie: Has to wear that fake mustache all the time?
Stee: Shouldn't Lil' Bow Wow be in school?
Pamie: Isn't Snoop Dogg his best friend?
Stee: Yeah.
Pamie: Lil' Bow Wow's high every day of his tiny life.
Ray: Will someone go to the Gay Mart with me?
Stee: What's the Gay Mart? Never mind. I don't want to know.
Pamie: The Gay Mart Superstore on Santa Monica. The big ol' sign makes me happy.
Stee: I don't understand either of you.
Teens are just standing around. Lil' Bow Wow isn't rocking the hizzouse too much. You can see the cameramen in the audience asking teens to move over. One girl is leaning against the stage just sort of looking around like she's on a smoke break. Lil' Bow Wow actually slaps hands with many of the audience members, but that's just because he's at that hand-slapping height and the teens keep touching him.
Stee: Man, I'm about to go help Lil' Bow Wow. It looks like that big guy is chasing him.
Pamie: Run Lil' Bow Wow!
Stee: Somewhere Kris Kross is all angry.
Pamie: And all thirty.
Ray: Is it okay that I hate Mandy Moore?
Pamie: Yes, it's okay that anyone hates Mandy Moore.
Backstage, Eden's Crush's Maile pretends that she's so excited. Sisqo tells us that this is what he "lives for." I don't feel sorry for any of these people. They knew what they were getting into. Commercial.
We're back. Sisqo is holding a mic and talking.
Stee: What is Sisqo doing back out there? Oh, I guess he's a...talker now. What do you call that?
Pamie: Announcer? Host?
Stee: Yeah, I'm sorry. This show is killing my brain.
Eden's Crush reads the teleprompter horribly to announce the rollercoaster montage. It's so bad that everyone borrows Nicole's Valium to get through their lines. We don't blame them. We don't know if we'd be able to say those lines with a straight face. Again, it's that whole "compromising dignity" thing. Luckily, the Hyphentwins beat any sort of dignity out of these girls a year ago. The rollercoasters keep going. It's like a very long commercial.
Stee: Oh, that ride looks scary.
Pamie: I've been there! I was scared to go on that ride when I was a kid.
Stee: I was scared to go on the Dumbo ride.
Pamie: You were?
Stee: Yeah, my sister and grandma went on it and I watched them scared.
Pamie: Was your grandma yelling down at you, "Pussy!"
Stee: Spitting on me.
The Wayans brothers make a stupid "cracker" joke just before the even stupider Uncle Kracker takes the stage. His dumb ol' tattooed ass plays a song that sounds like John Denver mocking Creedence. His band is harmonizing using four notes they just made up. This song is like a Juicy Fruit commercial jingle. Teens in the audience keep screwing up the lyrics. And the cameramen had such a hard time finding three girls who said they knew the words, too. You can see the band searching frantically in the audience for one possibly legal attendee. Or one without a kid. People in the audience are standing so still, it's possible that the audience has been replaced by cardboard cut-outs of people so that Uncle Kracker wouldn't know that everyone in the world hates them. This song is a million years long. One kid in the back is just as pouty as we are, thinking, "These guys instead of anyone else on TRL? I don't get it. Someone in Promotions should be fired."
Pamie: Can we fast-forward through Uncle Kracker?
Stee: Yes. Please. Hey, we're fast-forwarding through the only white band here.
Pamie: What does that mean? O-Town couldn't get much whiter.
Stee: That's true.
Ray: Who said Uncle Kracker could represent white people?
Pamie: If Uncle Kracker is white, I don't really want to be white anymore.
A Wayans brother announces the movie comedy nominations. Choice Movie nominees: Bring It On, Charlie's Angels, Dude, Where's My Car?, Joe Dirt, Josie and the Pussycats, Miss Congeniality, The Wedding Planner, and Meet the Parents.
The Wayanses make a retarded joke about Robert Downey buying the City High CD because "he thought he could smoke it." Wow. So bad, that joke.
Stee: Damn, Shawn is the only one laughing at Marlon's jokes anymore.
Pamie: You gotta keep it in the family.
City High comes on and sings a song with which we're all unfamiliar. By "all," we mean "the world." No backup singers or dancers. It's just a blatant Fugees ripoff. Two guys and a young girl.
Funniest Moment #8 is just Mini-Me walking. For real. He just walks to the podium while the Austin Powers music plays and Brandy thinks he's cute. That's not only not funny, it's insulting.
Before going to commercial, the City High guy says that year's Teenapalooza will be held in his back yard. We believe that. Then the announcer says, "Hey, ladies! Feast your eyes on Shaggy, Nelly, and Sisqo!" Ew, gross, and yikes.
Funniest Moment #7. Scary Movie wins, and the Wayans brothers (they no longer have their own individual names, by the way) hug boys as Carmen Electra kisses the camera. The Wayanses shout and say they're virgins to winning things. They make a Clippers joke because they're stuck on Arsenio Hall's talk-show set from 1987. They try to surf on the board (the award is a large surfboard). That's it. Hil-arity.
"Are you ready for some more show? Give it up for Eden's Crush!" Ha. That's a great introduction.
Pamie: Man, it's inappropriate to introduce someone as "sexy" in front of a bunch of kids.
Stee: Yeah.
Pamie: It should be, "The Eden's Crushy Eden's Crush."
The girls perform....drum roll please...."Get Over Yourself"! What a new song! Nicole's all, "What! What!" And the rest of them look hardened from the repetition of these dance moves for this one song over the past few months.
Stee: You know, every show we recap just has constant screaming.
Pamie: I know. We might as well just start recapping football games.
Stee: Or The Screaming Channel.
Pamie: Poor Eden's Crush with the same song. Even O-Town got to move on. Man, I hope they're at least on good drugs.
Stee: Man, she's in totally the wrong key.
Pamie: C'mon, they've been singing the same song for months. Wait, until now I hadn't had to hear this shit for two months. I haven't heard it on the radio, seen the video. Anything.
Stee: No one has. Not even the band.
Pamie: This is the best part, because it means the song's almost over.
Stee: Is it the part when she's really off-key or really, really off key?
Pamie: Oh, they're in Virginia! She said, "What's up, Virginia!"
Stee: Do you think they know Virginia's a state?
Pamie: Maybe they just heard there were virgins in the audience.
Stee: Hm. Hm. Hm.
Pamie: Wow, I just got a triple-"Hm" on that one.
Nicole is sweating her ass off. Miraculously, the girls are almost wearing clothes. This song has somehow gotten even longer. An audience girl tries to sing along, doesn't know the words, and starts cheering so that the camera will stay on her. The girls finish their song and leave as quickly as they came.
Pamie: Look at my cat, still licking his ass. He'd rather eat his own shit than listen to Eden's Crush. I know the feeling, Cal.
Nominees for Choice Music Single. Janet Jackson "All For You," Shaggy "Angel," Crazy Town "Butterfly," Britney Spears "Stronger," Jennifer Lopez "Love Don't Cost A Thing," Backstreet Boys "The Call," Destiny's Child "Survivor," *NSYNC "Pop." The nominee list is basically "all songs released this year. And we won't call her 'J. Lo.'"
Stee: Sisqo hates himself.
Ray: He looks like a little bitch.
Pamie: Wow.
The commercials totally rule because they're free of self-deluded celebs -- wait. Damn you, Jennifer Love Hewitt. You're so 1999.
Sisqo announces some babble that's hard to hear, but has something to do with Funniest Moment #6. It's Justin and Britney winning "Choice Hottie." They flirt with each other at the podium and almost kiss. They don't kiss. That's the funny. Moving on.
Stee: If one of these ten Moments makes me laugh, you can kick me in the balls.
Pamie: Yay! I love this game!
The Wayans brothers introduce Shaggy by calling his song "the Black man's national anthem." Send your hate mail to them, not us. Shaggy sings his inappropriate song in front of thousands of impressionable teens. He thrusts his crotch at their faces over and over again. We see young girls singing along about fucking in the shower. Nice. Shaggy simulates sex as they talk about fucking around on girlfriends. Unreal. Other people just sort of stand around on the stage, since the entire song is on CD and the band is only pretending to play.
Stee: This is "Choice Love Song"!?
Pamie: Really?
Stee: That's what it says. Oh my God. Even Fox isn't that retarded to think this is a love song.
Ray: This song rules.
Stee: This is that last time you're going to see Shaggy, so you better enjoy it while you can.
Pamie: What is it that Shaggy looks like...wait, which one is Shaggy?
Stee: That one.
Pamie: Then who's singing?
Stee: Some emaciated Ethiopian guy.
Pamie: Is this like when you called Dave Matthews "a big ol' pasty South African 'The Rock'"?
Stee: Yes. Exactly.
Pamie: Can we also say that the singing guy has an allergy to cashews?
Stee: To fuck with him, Shaggy calls him "Cashewlio."
Pamie: Eden's Crush: not allergic to nuts.
Stee: Yes! Especially when they're bouncing off their chins.
Shaggy stops the song to "break it down" even more. He teaches the kids how to lie. "Parents Just Don't Understand," this isn't. The song is twice as long as it should be. Nine times as long. It just keeps going on and on and on. Shaggy ends with a shout-out to "Teenapalooza." Heh.
Pamie: Look, Shaggy's all, "Dude, I fucking rocked the house! I made some periods start out there."
Stee: "Hey, Cashewlio. We ruled."
Teen Choice Chemistry in a Movie nominations. Ben Foster and Kirsten Dunst, Tom Hanks and Wilson, Ben Affleck and Kate Beckinsale, Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott, Heath Ledger and Shannyn Sossamon, Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez, and Hugh Grant and Renée Zellweger. The spellchecker on our computers explode. Where are the names in these names?
Pamie: Who the fuck are these people?
Stee: "Hey, you got some Sossamon on my Kutcher!"
More sweet commericals. Bring it.
Stee: Does Perry Farrell get royalties every time shows like this make a play on his "Lollapalooza"?
Pamie: No, but he should. Even though it was a word already."
Stee: Oh yeah. Like, "That's a Lollapalooza of a problem, kid!"
Pamie: Yes. In the dictionary it says, "Barker accent."
Stee: No, that was my "Forties Detective," thank you.
Pamie: You sound more like Fred Schneider.
Funniest Moment #5: Adam Sandler tells kids to not have sex. Three old kids from congratulate him. He says that sex isn't that great. One girl screams.
Pamie: "I'm not going to be funny. I'm Adam Sandler."
Stee: Were you just doing JFK? That was the worst Adam Sandler I've ever heard!
Pamie: It's the fault of the milkshake! "I am the President of funny. I'm Adam Sandler. Ask not what Big Daddy can do for you, but what you can do for Big Daddy."
Stee: Whose Adam Sandler comes out sounding like JFK? Oh man, Rich Little just rolled over in his grave.
Pamie: Rich Little's not dead!
Stee: Yeah, but he still sleeps in a grave.
The Wayans brothers announce Mandy Moore. Her new album just came out at, like, number never, proving once again: Moore is Less. That last line is much funnier if you read it like you're Norm MacDonald. Because he's never funny. You see where this is going. This is what happens when you try to ignore the fact that Mandy Moore is on your screen. It kills all fun. Mandy Moore ruins all. She did say in a recent interview that she was pretty sure her new album wasn't going to be critically acclaimed. At least she knows where she sits with all of us. At the end of her song, she runs up the stairs and turns around to show her ass and her sweaty face at the same time for the last line of her song.
Pamie: I think she's actually a morphed image of The Olsen Twins.
Stee: I was about to say that.
Ray: Her shirt looks like Fruit Stripe gum.
Stee: Is this even a song? I don't condone this, but if she wants to compete with the other Diva Hos, she should really get a boob job.
Pamie: Oh man. Now that's the worst thing you've ever said. And I've heard you say pretty terrible things about Shelley Duvall. Famke Janssen.
Stee: Rich Little.
Pamie: Rich Little. Me. My cat.
Stee: Is this song "Conga"?
Ray: This song sucks.
Pamie: This song does suck, Ray. Very astute. Are her pants velour or terry cloth? She needs a haircut.
Stee: Do you think Sisqo's fucked her?
Pamie: Isn't Mandy Moore the virgin?
Stee: Why's her face all puffy?
Pamie: So she can be in Traffic II: Electric Boogaloo.
Instantly, Mandy's facing forward with her hair perfect, reading lines about the Teen Choice Actress nominees. Sponsored by Neutrogena. Not one moment of this show isn't totally fake. The nominees are: Angelina Jolie, Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Lopez, Drew Barrymore, Rachael Leigh Cook, Sandra Bullock, and Julia Stiles.
The drill sergeants are back, and they're shaving the heads of two dads. The crowd is incredibly quiet about it, and the dads have to ask the crowd to "give it up." It's so sad. Then they start barking at the camera again about what's going to happen after the commercial. This is terrible.
Pamie: I love my Adam Sandler.
Stee: You sound like Lee Iacocca now. It's even getting worse!
Shaq thanks people in a scary fashion. He asks for votes to win Choice Athlete.
It's time for Nelly and the St. Lunatics. That's what the Wayans brothers tell us. They sing "Must Be the Country Grammar." Seventeen men all bark at once around Nelly. There's no music here at all. Just a background track while men screech and hoot over it. Nelly randomly points at the people who bought his album. Some kid is holding his crutch in the air. The audience only knows the chorus, of course. They're bored as hell, only moving when Nelly yells at them to move. We feel bad for these poor teens stuck at the front. Nelly looks like he doesn't understand why he can't smell pot in the audience. Why do we have to get the extended dance remix of every song? This one's about fucking and smoking pot.
Stee: Is this Nelly?
Pamie: Yeah, but he's just dancing around while they play his song in the background. This is for teens and it's like, "If you wanna get fucked up with me and smoke some dope with me..."
Stee: Man, it's going to be really hard to be a parent.
Pamie: I know, right? I can't even imagine. How do you explain to your children that Nelly isn't good for them to listen to? Because you're going to be right that it's complete shit, but they're not going to hear that. You know, my mom used to tell me Prince was bad.
Stee: Well, "Darling Nikki." You shouldn't have even been listening to Grease.
Pamie: No, not at three.
Stee: I'm twenty-nine and I still ask my mom for rap albums for Christmas and she never gets them for me.
Pamie: Oh yeah. My mom, Marilyn Manson? Forget about it.
Stee: You know, I'll be telling my kids not to listen to Snoop. And meanwhile I'll be upstairs listening to Snoop.
Pamie: All quiet with headphones on.
Stee: "What are you doing, Daddy?" "Nothing honey, go back to sniz-eep, beeyotch!"
Sisqo mushmouths through another bit about tattoos, booty, and pierced nipples. For real. Inappropriate. Funniest Moment #4 is Sandra Bullock bitching about her Choice Hissyfit award. McConaughey floats around going, "Hiss, hiss!" at her. But he's wearing nice leather pants. The audience is bored as Sandra and Matthew take it to a private conversation while they're still onstage. Still not funny.
Stee:Who's higher right now, him or Snoop?
Pamie: Lil' Bow Wow.
It's daylight again for a second to show the audience cheering. They haven't been excited in six hours. There's more Shaggy after the commercial. Why?
Sisqo announces Funniest Moment #3. It's Jim Carrey, thanking everyone for his award. He's wearing braces and has his face covered in zits. He talks like he's a kid. People in the audience are grossed out by him. Teens issue a public apology.
The Wayans brothers announce Sisqo again. Why does he get to sing again? They make some joke about Sisqo's not being Chinese. Sisqo lifts his shirt to show his crotch and stomach. He then demands that the audience of young children say his name over and over again. He keeps lifting his clothes, grinding his crotch and then yelling, "Say my name!" Wrong.
Stee: "What's my name?"
Pamie: "Washed up."
Stee: "What's my name?"
Pamie: "Sick of." You know, it's illegal in many states to tell a teen, "What's my name? Say my name!" while pumping.
The backup dancers look like members of Slipknot. Boring. The entire thing is boring. Why so much Sisqo? More gymnastics. Still boring. And long. Each song longer than the last. How is this possible? Sisqo starts taking his clothes off. Still nobody kicks him off the stage. The backup dancers follow him around like a dragon and still nobody kicks them off the stage. How is this possible? Sisqo grabs his cock and thrusts it at the kids right before the song ends.
Stee: Did you see Sisqo just bend over in front of his backup dancer?
Ray: You couldn't tell he was bent over! He's just wearing those Hammer pants!
Pamie: Thanks, Grandpa Ray.
Stee: I know, seriously. "In my day Hammer wore those pants only!"
Pamie: "He ain't too legit to quit! This ain't rap. Give me Tone Loc, I'll show you a genius!"
Stee: It think this is the Good Times theme song.
Ray: I like his little prance-y strut. It's cute. It's funny-looking.
Stee: You're never going to be allowed back in Texas.
Ray: No, it's like one of those prance-y ponies.
Pamie: Lord. My roommate.
Choice Pop Group nominees: Backstreet Boys, Destiny's Child, Dream, O-Town, Eden's Crush, *NSYNC, 3LW, and 98 Degrees. Kelly from Destiny's Child says that this means a lot to them. Beyoncé laughs.
Again with the Boot Camp losers. They shave the heads of two girls. One is a mom. She gets no screen time.
Stee: Oh man, that's a dude.
Ray: God bless!
Pamie: C'mon, that's someone's mom. Jeez, what did they pay those people?
Stee and Pamie: Scale!
Pamie: Wow, we just yelled the same bad joke at the same time.
Teens in the audience are all facing different directions because they can't find the right camera. More blissful commercials.
Funniest Moment #2: Old-Town, a parody of boy bands with elderly men. *NSYNC loves them, since they're doing their songs and their moves. Britney looks over to Justin to see if he loves them as much as she does. No O-Town in sight.
Stee: They just have makeup on, huh? Those aren't really old people. Look how they're dancing.
Ray: Yes they are!
Pamie: Poor O-Town. They thought they were part of a parody but no, they're just doing *NSYNC moves.
Stee: Yeah, Old-Sync just didn't work so well.
Ray: This is funny.
Pamie: I get to kick you in the balls.
Ray: I meant not funny.
Sisqo moves right into the #1 funniest moment. He says that'll happen this August when The Teen Choice Awards actually happen. Total gyp!
Ray: That's Sisqo? He looks like someone on Zoom.
The Wayans brothers quickly usher in Shaggy again. Two repeat performances? What a lame-ass concert. Shaggy craps around on stage with a song nobody in the world has heard. Paul Shaffer wrote it fifteen years ago and tried to burn it. More inappropriateness from the Jamaican adulterer pedophile. Backup dancers try to hide themselves with hats. People in the audience are just standing there. Some aren't even looking in Shaggy's general direction.
Stee: Is that Bobby Brown singing backup?
Pamie: No, but can we start a rumor that it is. And then he was killed in a fatal car accident with Justin Timberlake.
Stee: After doing crack with Mandy Moore in a Miami Motel 6.
Pamie: Did you ever watch the Punky Brewster cartoon?
Stee: Shut up, I'm enjoying Shaggy. I wish Bob Marley's corpse would come out and kick his ass. Man, that is Bobby Brown.
Pamie: Is that one of Bell Biv DeVoe?
Stee: Biv isn't a name. We used to call one of Bell Biv DeVoe, "Five-foot gap," because he had a five-foot gap between his two eyes.
Pamie: Yeah! Yeah. He looked like a Gila monster.
Stee: You just called him a Gila monster!
Pamie: "I agree, Jackie! I'm Adam Sandler."
Stee: Rich Little is still spinning.
Pamie: He's like a rotisserie by now.
Stee: He's spinning in his Burbank-area home.
Shaggy twirls his guitarist's guitar. Because we obviously haven't been tortured enough, Shaggy finishes this incredibly long song with a performance of "Angel." The horror. The horror. It's neverending.
Stee: I can't wait to see a four-year-old singing, "You stuck with me through my incarceration!"
Ray: Shaggy sings like a Fraggle.
Shaggy takes his glasses off to tell us that this song went #1 on the charts. Thanks, Shaggy. He stops the music to tell us that there are "lots of angels in the house." Everything sucks. Shaggy then brings out another person who actually sings his songs, but we don't find out who that person is. Shaggy brings out some poor teen named Jessica to get tortured by his "posse." He asks her to be his angel. He sits her in a chair and tries to get the audience to cheer. It takes three tries. Men sing to Jessica as we see her mouth, "Oh, my God!" She laughs and hopes her daddy can get this part off the tape before it airs. Jessica mouths, "Oh, my God" about thirty times. Or she's got lockjaw. It's hard to tell what's going on.
Pamie: "Oh my God! I got to hang out with Shaggy! And then he sang to me."
Stee: She looks like Humpty-Hump.
Ray: She does!
Stee: "My name is Jessica, pronounced with an 'essica.'"
Pamie: "Oh my God. Shaggy sang to me. And then I went home and went on the computer, and some guy made fun of me and called me Humpty Dumpty, which I don't even get."
Stee: "The guy on my right, the big bald dude said he'd give me a ride home, and then I woke up three days later and didn't know where I was."
Pamie: "Oh my God, and you wouldn't believe how much coke they got on my asscheeks!"
Stee: What?
Pamie: I've gone too far?! You called the girl "Humpty."
Stee: You just said a nine-year-old was doing coke in her rectum!
Pamie: They were sniffing it off her! She didn't do any of the coke! Oh, leave me alone.
Shaggy continues being inappropriate until this horrible nightmare comes to a close. There couldn't be a teen in the world who would have been pleased with this lineup. Don't insult teens like this. Seeing three songs from Shaggy and two from Sisqo in any concert is just pure torture. And spreading them apart like that? Just cruel. Poor teens. Poor us. Poor world. Blame the Wayans brothers. All of this is their fault. All of it. Death to the Wayans brothers. Actually, here are the names of the producers: Bob Bain and Mike Burg. Hate them. Hate them hard.
Stee: All right. That was Teenapalooza.
Pamie: Blame stee.
Stee: Why?
Pamie: I wouldn't have had to see it if you didn't sign us up for this recap.
Stee: Yeah, but then you wouldn't have known that your Adam Sandler sounds like JFK.
Pamie: Wanna hear my Bobby Hill? "My own fruit pie!"
Stee: Rich Little just fell off his couch.
Pamie: You're just jealous.
Stee: A little.
The Wayans brothers cut in to ask everyone to go see Scary Movie on July 4th. No, really. Hate the Wayans brothers. Blame them for all.