I really don't like this show anymore.
Previously on Popstars: a photo shoot. The girls yawned, posed, cried, whined, and bitched.
Tonight the girls will be whisked to New York for media shoots, to meet a fan, perform on Regis and Kelly, and then record the final song for the album. Oh, and then they cry quite a bit. And there're only like two more episodes before we say, "Get over yourself, goodbye." I can't wait.
Yeah, I was right there
Like good writer
I was recapping all you need
Making things seem brighter
I was feeling you, entertaining you, feeding your desires
But that was then, this is now
I stabbed myself in the eye.
Ooh, oooh, oh.
If I could choose sides
Ooh, oooh, oh.
I'd scoop out their insides
The girls are dancing in a van as the narrator tells us that they have been together now for four months and they don't have to keep their identities a secret anymore. We see the girls get their pictures taken by a few crusty men.
Cut to the girls on KTLA, the Los Angeles WB's morning news show. The "news" man asks Nicole if this has changed her life. She's all drugged up on something fierce as she props her eyelids open with her microphone to slur that it's "definitely" changed her life. "It is a dream come true and we all feel very blessed and fortunate to be here but it is a really hard [sic]. But we love it. I mean, we love, I, I love it. Personally." The other girls stand there and hold their microphones. Rosanna looks furious that they've still got her in that bad bob haircut. The newsman asks "what's the thing" that got them picked over any of the other girls. He says this while snapping his fingers, as if there's some sort of magic to all of this. Maile says it's all about if they can interact with each other and work well within a group. This is coming from the person that didn't have to go through any of the workshops or auditions. She lisps around saying that they all work really well together and they knew that from day one. Yeah. After they had been chosen. Does Maile not know we watch the show? Well, I guess it's a pretty safe assumption to think that we don't. Because I wouldn't if I didn't have to. No one watches this show with me anymore. I used to be able to invite all sorts of people over to watch it with me. Now there's nobody even slightly interested anymore.
The girls are now packing to leave for New York. Maile tells us in a split screen that they are going to be in the public eye. Ana Maria tells us in a split screen that she's not going to worry about it. She's going to be herself and not stress about anything.
The plane takes off and the closed captioning says, "Line it up, baby! Hey!" but I don't hear those words from anywhere.
Now we're in New York. We watch the girls, sped up, getting in and out of the van. The narrator explains that the girls are in New York for two days on a promotional tour. Have any of you gotten that yet? It's NEW YORK. They're on a PROMOTIONAL TOUR. You are LOSING VALUABLE MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE.
The girls start with Z100's morning show. "The most listened to radio station in the country." Huh. In a split screen the DJ tells us that you can "spot stars" when they walk in. He says that the girls "walk the walk and talk the talk" and he thinks the song is amazing. So, you know, this guy has clearly been paid to say these things. That and his name is "Cubby." We get a flashback of the Z100 disk jockey that crashed the New York auditions. The girls play nice-nice with him again in the studio, saying they remember him, even when they didn't audition in New York. "You had the kilt on," one of them says. Uh, he didn't. Thinking that anyone cares about him or finds him "amusing," he's going on and on about how he's a little angry with the girls for getting his slot.
Cue Sound Cue #2094: "Finally the big moment arrives." The girls sit down for their radio interview. The DJ is Paul "Cubby" Bryant, and I'm pretty sure he used to DJ in Houston back when I was in high school. I can't remember if he was on 104 KRBE or if he was on the Mix 96 station. I think he did bad pop, though. I'm pretty sure he's the DJ my friend spoke to when she won a New Kids on the Block concert. Why do I care? This is what my brain does to avoid slipping into a coma during this show. He's all pseudo-excited about introducing Eden's Crush, and all of the girls talk on the radio at once. He asks if this is their first radio interview. They all talk over each other to say that it is. He asks if they're excited to be in New York. They all talk at the same time to say that they are. Ana Maria tries to thank him for having them on, but he interrupts her to ask if they were nervous being at the station. Rosanna says she was but then they all seemed "really warm," so she wasn't nervous anymore. Ivette says it's more important to her than anyone else since she's from New York. The clock's time goes back and forth through the ten minutes, showing that this is all chopped out of order. Cubby gives up on getting anything interesting from these girls and has them sing some of "Get Over Yourself." They do. One of them has added these breathy moments during the pauses to get herself some more stage time. Ivette, I'm looking over at your deviated septum.
The girls hug people from the radio station. I also get filled with a warm feeling because I just got past seven minutes of tape on this show. Every minute is another personal triumph.
The girls get back in the van to go to New York's WB affiliate. We get a triple screen of the outside of the van and tall buildings before Maile tells us that they are late for this appointment. Ivette turns and asks where the entrance to the building is. The drama!
They're going to be on "The T.V." this time, so they have to get themselves pretty. Ana Maria has borrowed Nicole's stupid hat and is running around with a cell phone. Nicole voice-overs these words of wisdom: "You can't help but be conscious that the whole country is like, watching you and you're like, 'I hope I don't sound stupid.'" Wait, don't laugh yet. Ivette's got something to say, too: "My biggest concern? Is looking stupid on T.V. To be honest." I guess they haven't seen the show yet.
The girls are on-air now. The interviewer fucks up Maile's name. Some of them are wearing the same clothes they wore on KTLA. The interviewer asks what it's like to be in a house all the time together. Ana Maria has been assigned the answer to this one, and says her script just fine. They are in a house in California. They are very busy. They have a great time. The interviewer then makes them all stand up and teach her some dance moves. It seems pretty easy to pick up since it's just swaying back and forth with your arms open, but DruggyNicole seems to be swaying a bit farther than the other girls.
Someone tells the girls to go change. This was important because -- why, now?
Outside Rosanna tells us she thinks it went well. What went well? What is happening? This is so dumb, this episode. Nothing. Is. Happening. They agree that the interview was "short and sweet" and now they're headed to "the YM shoot."
More driving. Shot of the Broadway sign for no reason at all. Buildings are tall in New York. That's what we've learned in this episode.
The girls are in robes. Maile is starting to crash from whatever drug she was on earlier. They're getting into hair and makeup for the photo shoot, but Access Hollywood stops them in the middle for an interview. In a split screen Ana Maria says that they get asked a lot of the same questions in interviews. Wow. Isn't that life-altering information?
The girls shoot seven pictures in front of a closed refrigerator. They pout and jut out their asses. Now the girls are jumping on a bed for some reason as the narrator tells us: "But the hectic schedule has finally caught up with the girls." Huh? It'd be much more interesting to talk about how insulting it is to have them pout around a refrigerator. But who cares what I think?
As the photo shoot continues, Ana Maria tells us in a split screen: "I have to say that New York was a little more tedious and a little more tiring because of the long hours and because of our schedule just being back-to-back." Nicole continues: "It was like, bam, bam, bam, bam. Every second of the day was filled with something. With a photo shoot, with an interview. It was really exhausting." Luckily we really don't get to see any of this and I'm recapping a recap of their tour in New York. It's like I'm in the other room going, "Oh, and they got their pictures taken! They're tired! Someone said something but I can't see or hear what just happened!"
The girls are on their backs in a circle, just as everyone knew they'd eventually be. Nicole, finally scoring some good shit on the way to the YM shoot, passes out right before they take the group picture. She calls it "falling asleep." Ana Maria and Rosanna gingerly wake Nicole with their fingertips, knowing how dangerous it is to wake Nicole from her drug-induced slumber. Nicole wakes up and has no idea where she is. Her arms go flying up and she's about to Margot Kidder right out of that room. Ana Maria tries to laugh like this has never happened before and it's all so cute and amazing. Ivette and Maile's stone faces give away the fact that Nicole pulls this shit all the damn time. Nicole asks what she's supposed to do. "Look in the camera," the photographer says, using his gentle "Crazy Lady" voice so as not to disturb her.
Nicole tells us in a voice-over that she "literally fell asleep." She says she started dreaming. She tells us in her interview that she woke up and didn't know where she was and then she realized where she was and then she was embarrassed for falling asleep in a photo shoot. The Popstars philosophy of editing: Tell, then tell again, tell some more, show a tiny part of it, and then tell it until you don't want to see it anyway. That's how you make a reality show, people.
Driving through a tunnel at night. Traffic at night. The first day of the media tour is over. Have you caught your breath yet? The narrator says, "And even though it was a huge success, the girls are exhausted." What does that sentence mean? Ivette is whining outside a van and it looks like the girls are going to a show and not their hotel. According to their diaries on the Popstars website they went to dinner with Ivette's family that night. And those people make me giggle something fierce. I so wish we had some footage of that.
Nicole takes off her glasses and flirts with the camera. Maile holds some flowers. The narrator says their biggest moment (Cue #92), "Is yet to come." They're going to be on Live! With Regis and Kelly. And it'll be on television! And people might watch it! And then they'll meet a fan. They will hug the fan. They will love the fan. They yell at her for being their first fan as the Tiny Squares of Repetitive Girls and Fun fill the screen. I fall backwards on my bed and wish for a heroin dream. No such luck. Why didn't I try and get that drug habit back in episode three?
This show is brought to you in part by Gap. Where their models are pretty, can sometimes sing, usually can dance, and wear clothes well. Their thirty-second spots are nineteen million times more interesting than this half-hour program. And yes, I mathematically and scientifically calculated that number.
Even this Dr. Pepper commercial has more drama. Will the DJ miss a beat? Will the diva with the Dr. Pepper gobo highlighted on her dress dance outside of her circle? Will she pull out that camel toe so I can stop staring at it?
Will anyone see Spy Kids? Will Robert Rodriguez expect me to see it just because I enjoy his work? Is he ever going to make a movie that I want to see again? Did him and Quentin sign some sort of a pact to stop making good movies until everyone stopped ganking their styles?
Oh, we're back. The narrator recaps the past ten minutes, so I won't. Remember how they went yesterday to a bunch of places and did interviews? Yeah, we see that shit again. AGAIN. And now they're going to Live! With Regis and Kelly because we forgot. There are people outside the studio paid to ask Eden's Crush to sign autographs. They do. Rosanna tells us in a split screen that getting recognized like that was "overwhelming." They still pose for pictures, never taking off their sunglasses, as that might jeopardize the level of cool these girls have worked so hard to reach. That and you'd run the risk of being able to tell them apart if they weren't all wearing the same leather jacket and dark sunglasses. And that would be tragic. It ruins the sex fantasy of humping quintuplets. Oh, like I'm the only person with that fantasy. You shut up. I saw your Menudo poster. Your New Kids poster. Your Jackson 5 poster. You're right. I'll stop now. Rosanna gets the best line of the episode: "A lot of people think that this group is really cool!" Hee.
The narrator rushes the girls to the set for rehearsal. The girls all meet the crew of Live! With Regis and Kelly. Well, they shake hands, anyway. Gelman tells them that they have three and a half minutes but it could be cut to thirty seconds if they run out of time. I think Gelman is already prepared to cut the girls.
Ivette tells us in a split screen that she's back at her home and she's going on all of the shows that she grew up watching. Because we care that much.
The girls rehearse as Kelly and Regis watch. Rosanna tells us in a split screen that she knows Regis will be fun. Then she freaks out about being on Regis. Because we care that much.
The rehearsal is over. They get into Hair and Makeup behind a closed door. No need to show us anything, guys. Just keep telling us. episode, can we just have it on the radio? Because if I close my eyes, it's still the same show.
Cut to Regis introducing "the winners." Then we watch the Regis footage. Just so I can hear this damn song one more time. Someone put Ivette in some nasty cow pants. Everyone else is wearing dark, shiny pants. I hate that "pwing!" noise after "every magazine said was me was on the shelf."
Afterwards, Regis asks if they all get along. They say they do. "Five women that just met each other living in a house together? Is that your final answer?" Come on, you know he almost said that. Maile reiterates that they do all get along. Maile says there are moments when everyone says, "Okay, give us our space." Regis gets excited and says, "No kidding! When did that happen?" Ha! Thanks, Reeg, for telling these girls that their show is more boring than the first five questions in Millionaire. Maile says they're like sisters. Regis plays the dirty old man and asks how many bathrooms their house has. They say three. Then they say two. Counting was not a required skill. Regis points out that this is their first talk show. The girls give the required cooing and flirting responses. The audience applauds for as long as the sign is lit.
We watch a van drive down the street. The narrator tells us that the media tour is almost over. Thank God, because I can't take the passion and drama a minute longer. My nipples can finally soften. The girls' last stop is an interview and photo shoot for Twist Magazine. They are getting interviewed by a teen girl who won an essay contest to meet them. They hug the young girl who looks like she thought she was entering a contest to meet Dream and got stuck with Eden's Crush instead. I bet she actually entered a contest to meet Destiny's Child and this is third place. Shoshana Schwartz (oh, they made her graphic say "Eden's Crush Fan") says that she's nervous to meet the girls.
The girls sit in a semi-circle to the left of Shoshana. Some woman sits at the end of the row but we don't get to know who she is. This is hard because poor Shoshana is just a kid and is probably our youngest reality show subject and I don't want to hurt the girl in case she reads this but... must...keep...snarking. I'm going to teach you how to talk like Shoshana before I tell you her first question. We'll use her name to learn how she talks. Pretend you're Carol Channing. Now pretend you're Carol Channing with your mouth wired shut. Now, pretend you're five. And you just learned how to read. Ready? Shhhhooowww-SHHHHAAAAHH-Naaaaaaahhhh. Good. Okay, here's her first question. Do it in singsong or you're missing out on the fun. And kind of like you're a kid on Reading Rainbow. "How did you feel when the judges told you that you made the group?" Hee.
Because they don't want to waste time with ShhhhShShshhsha-sha-na-na's-my-favorite-group, they go straight into a split screen with Ana Maria saying how special it was to meet her. She says that Shoshana was so quiet and looked around at everyone. On the other side of the split screen, Shoshana's staring at Maile with a face that clearly says, "Man, you are much skankier in person. What a gyp." Ana Maria says that she was shy like that when she was Shoshana's age.
Always the angel, Maile opens her stupid maw with: "She was so enamored by us and who we were that it felt like, 'Oh my gosh.' There is a girl out there. There's probably a hundreds [sic] or thousands, I don't know how many there are. But, this was our first taste of it, and the fact that she got to interview us and ask us questions made her day." You're so beautiful, Maile.
Then Maile is all ordering Shoshana around, all, "LOOK AT ME." She's all up in poor Shoshana's face, pointing her fingers in her eye. We can't hear all of the crap coming out of Maile's mouth, but she's very excited about all of it. The narrator is telling us that all of the girls took some one-on-one time with Shoshana.
Fucking Maile. In a split screen Maile spills all of Shoshana's secrets. "I'm like, 'Do you like high school?' And she's like, '[incredibly long unnecessary silence] No.' And she wouldn't look at me and I was like, she was like [goes into horrible whiny voice], 'Nobody likes me,' and she started giving me this speech." Nice. Thanks for ruining the rest of this girl's high school career, Maile. Shut up before you make her have to stay home for prom. Maile keeps talking, so they cut to her all soapboxed up: "I remember what it's like to be in high school! And to not feel like a million bucks. You know? It takes time to grow into yourself. It takes time to become who you are. Being fourteen is not the easiest thing in the world." Shut. Up. Maile.
Rosanna is pouting at Shoshana, telling her that she's the only Shoshana in the whole wide world and that makes her special. And so when people are mean to her she should remember that she's the only Shoshana that they're being mean to and she's the one that's special enough to have everyone hate her. She's also the only Shoshana in the entire world to admit to liking Eden's Crush and now she might as well transfer schools. Shoshana never makes eye contact with any of these girls. She just looks away and smiles, thinking, "Wow. You guys sure do love you some you, huh? I mean, I know this is becoming an old joke, but get over yourselves, okay?"
Oh, now it's Ivette's turn to ruin this poor adolescent. She's all on her knees in front of Shoshana, pleading with this girl to not jump off of whatever ledge the girls have convinced themselves Shoshana's on. "Take things a day at a time. And believe me? Things happen for a reason." Ivette apparently thinks that Shoshana has a drinking problem. But fucking Maile's not done not shutting up. "When you think people don't like you, you know what you're thinking? They're probably jealous. That you have the best grades!" Shoshana tries the "If I Cover My Face With My Hair Enough They Might Think I've Disappeared" trick but it's not working. The girls are all talking to her at once. Oh, except I don't see Nicole anywhere. Shoshana was digging into Nicole's Valium time, I suppose. Someone tells Shoshana that she has pretty hair. Someone else calls her pretty.
The narrator tells us that "meeting Shoshana has made all of the hard work during the New York trip pay off." Uh-huh. Ana Maria, Ivette, and Maile all group hug Shoshana until you can't see her anymore and they thrust their tongues and asses out towards the photographers. And they've "given their first big fan an experience she'll never forget."
Shoshana: Um, I was just thinking, I mean. I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering, um, what is gonna happen to us on Monday? When we're all together again? I mean I consider you guys my friends -- I'm not wrong, am I?
Ivette: No...
Shoshana: So, so on Monday...what happens?
Maile: Are we still friends, you mean? If we're friends now, that is?
Shoshana: Yeah...
Maile: Do you want the truth?
Shoshana: Yeah, I want the truth...
Maile: I don't think so...
Ana Maria: Well, do you mean all of us or just Shoshana?
Maile: With all of you...
Ivette: That's a real nice attitude, Maile!
Maile: Oh, be honest, Ivette...if Shoshana came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do? I mean picture this, you're there with all the sluts. I know exactly what you'd do, you'd say hi to her and when she left you'd cut her all up so your friends wouldn't think you really liked her!
Ivette: No way!
Ana Maria: 'Kay, what if I came up to you?
Maile: Same exact thing!
Pamie: [furious and screaming at Maile] You are a bitch!
Maile: Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?
Pamie: No! 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone! And you don't have the balls to stand up to your friends and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like!
Maile: Okay, what about you, you hypocrite? Why don't you take Ana Maria to one of your fancypants Hollywood parties? Or take Shoshana out to your porch at lunch to get high? What about Ivette for that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together? They'd laugh their asses off and you'd probably tell them you were doing it with me so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.
Pamie: [furious once again] Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends, and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends, so you just stick to the things you know: screeching, whining, complaining, your "record contract" and your poor-rich-drunk mother in the Caribbean!
Maile: [furious and sobbing] Shut up!
Pamie: And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!
Maile: I hate you!
Pamie: Yeah? Good!
There is silence until Shoshana speaks.Shoshana: Then I assume Pamie and I are better people than you guys, huh? Us weirdos...[to PAMIE] Do you, would you do that to me?
Pamie: I don't have any friends...
Shoshana: Well if you did?
Pamie: No...I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind...
Shoshana: I just wanna tell each of you, that I wouldn't do that...I wouldn't and I will not! 'Cause I think that's real shitty...
Maile: Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us...
Shoshana: [Shoshana laughs at her] You're so conceited, Maile. You're so conceited. You're so, like, full of yourself, why are you like that?
Maile: [crying again] I'm not saying that to be conceited! I hate it! I hate having to go along with everything David Foster says!
Shoshana: Well then why do you do it?
Maile: I don't know, I don't...you don't understand...you don't. You're not friends with the same kind of people that Ivette and I are friends with! You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you!
Shoshana: [shocked] I don't understand what? You think I don't understand pressure, Maile? I'm fourteen! I have to go back and face all of my friends after what you guys are saying about me on national television and I don't even get to defend myself. You think I don't understand pressure? Well fuck you! Fuck you!
We're about to break for commercial, but before we do we have to know what we're going to see after the commercial so our pea-sized brains have time to form general opinions and still have time to remind us to breathe in and out. A plane heads to L.A. They record the final song. The last day of recording, Rosanna loses her voice. Again. Could they call the album "Broken Record?"
Hey, did any of you see Heartbreakers? Could you do me a favor and never talk to me again? Thanks.
Hey, this show is over in two weeks. Wow. The WB remembered to get me a birthday present! That's the sweetest.
The plane is flying overhead again. That means we're leaving New York and heading back to Los Angeles. The girls are all in a recording room, bobbing their heads to a really really really really bad song that is mercifully the last one for the album. The producers are Chakdaddy and E. Dawk. I can't make that up. I can't. I wanted to. I wish I did. But I didn't. Chakdaddy. E. Dawk. That's all they could come up with for themselves. They've worked with Christina Aguilera and Samantha Mumbaforgetwhosheisallthetime.
Want the lyrics? You know you do.
I was sitting at home just so frustrated
I debated
Wondering why I let people make me so crazy.
Then I realize it's my fault by being around negativity.
Ugh, and they're using that "pwing!" noise again that always reminds me of, "Is this thing on?" During this, Chakdaddy is looking off to someone else, nodding for some reason we don't know about. Ana Maria sings this verse, by the way, adding fuel to Ivette's Voodoo Trunk. Chakdaddy tries to drill a pen into his forehead as he listens to Nicole break it down.
The narrator reminds us that this is "emotional." Nicole tells us in this split screen: "One night Maile said something to me, she's like, 'Look. We just have to come to the facts that in the studio you've been very blessed and very, uh, successful with getting a lot of the leads and singing parts of the song. And we just have to get over, uh, you getting whatever you've been getting.'" Nicole's wah-fest is interrupted by her sassing a few notes into the microphone, using the Raised Index Finger of Baduism.
So, Maile comes in to explain what she really meant by bitching Nicole out: "I kept saying to her, 'This is gonna be a hard process because there are going to be people -- could be me, could be anybody else -- that's going to say, 'Why is, is this person getting all the leads?' I said, 'You can't feel guilty for that. Whatever you're being chosen for there's a reason for it. And there's no reason to feel guilty for it.'" And then she handed her a coffee cup filled with Liquid Drano.
Nicole's breakdown keeps coming, despite the narrator reminding us that Maile just gave her "support." Nicole starts J-Lo-ing, "Is that my right note?" And she can't seem to sing anymore.
So we cut to Nicole crying again: "That's probably the hardest thing for me in a group is to deal with that because you're in a group with four other girls that you live with and you're together twenty-four-seven, and you just don't want to upset anybody, and you want to be a team player but at the same time you don't want to hide yourself and what everything you that you have in here and you still want to display that." Now that's a fucking sentence.
Nobody wants to deal with Nicole, so we move onto Ana Maria, who had some sort of "triumph" by finishing this album. "It's the first time I've been out of that environment." Oh, she's going on about how this is a big deal because she didn't do this with her family. She had to be on her own and she's grown. And other uninteresting tidbits about her family.
Oh, God. This song is called "No Drama." How fucking fitting. Perfect. The girls keep singing to the camera and not the microphone with their heads bobbing and their lips pursed and their eyes yearning and I think they don't know that they aren't shooting the video just yet.
The chorus:
I wanna
No I'm gonna
Get back with no drama
Wanna be happy and live life stress-free
So I'm gonna
Get back with no drama
Not gonna let this world
Get the best of me.
Lord. So, the narrator tells us that recording this song is a "familiar" experience for Rosanna. Because she's lost her voice again. She's out! Kick her out! She's breathing into a vapor machine. She says she's unhappy and that she might have to record her part later on.
Ivette has a hard time getting the timing right on her parts. Ivette is speaking in third person. Hate. Her. "I've always been a performer. But the Ivette that started the album didn't find the transition between performing onstage and using those tools in the booth. Which is a scary thing for me. I was insecure. I knew that I could do it. But somehow I had that Red Light Syndrome that David Foster likes to call it. Is where, you're outside the mic and you can absolutely wail and do it and once you have to record all of a sudden there's something that happens where just doesn't come out right." These girls can't speak at all. During that entire speech we hear Ivette try and get this "Call me!" part of the song correctly, and she doesn't ever do it right.
Maile's having problems singing, "Best of me! Best of me!" Chewbakadaddy has to help her along. The narrator tells us that Maile is frustrated. "I think there is a part of me that thought that I didn't get to the level that I wanted to because I'm a perfectionist and I really like to work my craft as hard as I can." Does anyone still like this girl? Didn't think so. No one likes anyone that says the words "work my craft." God. I. Hate. Her. She says that towards the end she realized she could have been working harder than she already was.
David Foster is sitting in his little Navy suit, telling us that the girls have really grown in two months. He says they "kind of automatically know sort of what they're supposed to do in the song." There's a rousing show of support for ya.
"Fortunately," Rosanna's voice comes back and she's wailing away. What, did she lose it for ten minutes? She tells us that she feels more confident and knowledgeable as a singer. As long as she warms up she's sure she can sing. Great. Thanks for wasting our time with your "problems."
Ivette's talking about how all of them have improved as singers. She says she listened to the first song they recorded and they're just so much better now. That means, "Now that I'm in some of the songs? Totally much better." She says they've grown so much.
We watch Nicole sing the same piece of the wailing song again. Chakdaddy has to close his eyes and shake his head so blood doesn't pour from his nose.
Cut to them listening to the final version of the song. David Foster is leaning over Chak's chair talking to "the people." Behind him stand the Hyphentwins, ready to make their final appearance. Jennifer just went ahead and had her mouth sewn shut like it should have been at the beginning of the series. The girls are proud of themselves and everyone claps for them. Jennifer tries to tell them that she brought copies of their first single in as a surprise, but the narrator says the same words right over her, so there's the last of Jennifer for you. The girls freak out and Maile is whining behind them that she can't see anything because Ivette's big ol' head is in her way. We can't hear what anyone is saying over the background music.
Rosanna says it was really nice for David Foster and Jaymes to come in with copies of the single. Jennifer jumps off the 143 Records parking lot. She only twists her ankle, because that's her damn luck. Rosanna says that being told she just finished her first album was "the heaviest and the lightest words [she] ever heard." Then she laughs a scary laugh that forces my cat's ears back.
The narrator says that finishing the album also completes a "major step" in becoming "Popstars." Uh, like, the step? Just sayin'. The girls show us the single, but the CD isn't in the case. The narrator reminds us that there are more things in store for the girls so we don't stop watching the show now.
week: "The girls begin their new lives as celebrities." I lean over my coffee table and vomit a week's worth of pizza. The girls are all in coats as a DJ tells them that 60,000 people downloaded "Get Over Yourself." And some Fanatic girl in a "Cutie" t-shirt screams her head off at the sight of Travis in her doorway. I guess I would, too. Then the girls perform in front of 1,500 teens that are paid to scream and shout. Nicole loves it. Maile hates it. Of course. Fucking Maile.