Previously on Popstars: We get the same intro of the audition process. Then we run-down choosing Maile and eliminating the others. We go through Camille getting corrected in the studio. Shaunda has a hard time keeping the beat of the song. Christina screws up, which we didn't see in the last episode. We cut to an interview with Jaymes, who tells us: "Once we got into the studio, Jean, Camille, and Christina's vocals just weren't strong enough across the board. And Shaunda, who has a really good lead voice? Wasn't great with the background harmonies." It took them that long to figure out all of that? I give up. We cut to Margaux and Kerrie dropping out and quick cuts of the second L.A. audition. They're using the really dramatic Chords and Piano Plinking song here to add tension to a situation that has no tension. They give us the names of the five Popstars yet again. We see clips of what's about to happen tonight, but if I recap that, there's nothing to recap. We see everything seven times on this show. All we need to know is that we're about to see some potential catfights. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
The narrator tells us that for weeks these girls have tried to imagine what life as a Popstar would be like, and today that dream comes true. I hate the narrator. Why is he still here? Pan around to different shots of the L.A. home. "It's a three-story retreat. Custom furnished and decorated to make the girls feel comfortable." The living room is basically a gym with a sunken hot tub. I imagine they're hoping for some semi-porn Popstar action now that the Christians are gone.
Rosanna moves in first. We get a split screen of Rosanna walking around the place as she tells us that she moved here from Columbus, Ohio, and that she felt like Goldilocks. Someone needs to tell that girl to lay off the pomade.
The doorbell rings. Rosanna prances over to answer it. The narrator tells us that none of the girls have been told who else makes the group. I imagine that the other four girls are being kept in separate rooms, only allowed to enter the house when they have run out of potential footage inside. And I imagine they'll also be released to the house in a way so that the other girls might talk about who they thought made it, and then be surprised when someone they just bitched about enters the house. Rosanna opens the door. It's Ivette. But I can't even see that it's Ivette because Rosanna has started squealing and cackling and is holding Ivette so tightly she might die before the first single. Brilliant move, Rosanna. They hug and laugh until we break into a split screen where Ivette is telling Rosanna she knew she'd see her again at some point in her life.
The Foley artist inserts a doorbell ringing. Ivette and Rosanna stand in front of the door for a few seconds before opening it. It's Ana Maria. More clapping and screeching and smiling. While the rejoicing continues, Ana Maria tells us in a split screen, "This decision was the hardest decision [she's] ever made in [her] life." She's teary about leaving her life, but again, she knew that she was supposed to be a Popstar. She knew it. Knew it. I'm only repeating it as many times as she does. I wish there were at least fights about who will sleep where.
Nicole enters, wearing StupidHat. More screeching and laughing. Nicole keeps her regular blasé pose about her, never letting on that she might actually be happy. Everyone claps and hugs.
Ivette is leading Nicole around the new house. Nicole remarks that they don't have houses like this back where she's from. Split screen again. On the left half of the screen, the girls are doing pirouettes down the hallway of their house, bragging about how much space they have. In the other half of the screen Nicole is remarking how surprised she is that no one is catty or mean and that they all get along. "We're all really, like, respectful and considerate of each other."
Nicole answers the door for the last girl, as the other three don't care. Nicole and Maile stare at each other like they know each other, even though they don't. In a split screen Maile tells us: "I knew they knew each other, too. Because, you know, they're all, they all had that, that, workshop, or whatever. So, I was a little intimidated." She says this like she hates the other four girls, by the way. In the split screen the girls are looking at the books on their shelves, realizing that none of them have ever read one of them and have no plans to do so at any point in their lives. Maile continues: "I was a little like, you know, 'Okay! Hi! This is me! Hope you like the package!'" The package? Ew.
They're all standing in a small circle and the narrator tells us that Nicole and Maile are about to discover something in common. Maile is guessing that Nicole is from Texas. "Without the hat," Nicole says. Even without the hat, she's not from Texas because anyone in Texas that might possibly wear that hat would be shot. Shot and banned from all bars. Immediately. "You look Hawaiian," Maile says, like an insult. Nicole beams. Maile rejoices, because she's also Hawaiian. The other girls jump up and down as if Maile and Nicole have just qualified for Supermarket Sweep. Nicole keeps repeating that she said "Aloha" to Maile and she was totally dissed, and she thought Maile was a bitch for not saying anything back. Nicole also says, "Not even!" about seventeen times. I'd tell you what else they say -- something about their bracelets and necklaces and their Hawaiian names -- but the octaves their voices have reached are registering like the dog whistle at the end of "A Day in the Life" and I can't hear a word their saying. Suddenly they're also talking with accents.
Maile and Ivette struggle up the stairs with a large suitcase. This is like the scenes The Real World doesn't bother to show you because they are boring. Boring as all hell.
Rosanna is preparing something in the kitchen as Maile talks: "Tomorrow, girls, we're gonna be on the program! We are not allowed to eat cookies! Or dairy! Or..." Ivette interrupts to suggest they eat all of that food now and work it off tomorrow. In a split screen, Ivette reminds us that they are five different people chosen from five different parts of the country, picked to live in a loft and find out what happens when people start being nice and start creating music to torture the world.
Nicole makes everyone join hands and pray before their dinner. Ana Maria is wearing a hat and scarf and coat at the dinner table. Does this seem strange only to me?
We see shots of the girls in their beds, trying to hide from the cameras, as they aren't wearing all of their Slutglow makeup.
It's the morning, and the girls are brushing their teeth, putting on sweats and tennis shoes, and getting ready to work out. Man, I am so damn bored, people. We're told that the girls "need to get in shape for the physical demands" that the group will put them through. In a split screen, Nicole tells us the secret to developing an eating disorder: if you tell yourself that you can't work any harder and you feel like you're going to pass out and your body doesn't want to move anymore, you just go to this Zen place and work through the pain, and push yourself even harder until you really are about to die. Then you're pretty.
The girls change and have a "quick breakfast" and then all start putting on feather boas for some reason. The narrator tells us that to keep their identities hidden, the girls have to travel by van. Because everyone knows that no one important rides in a van in Los Angeles.
Ana Maria tells us she didn't realize just how hidden she was going to have to be during these months. I guess that explains the hat and scarf? She says they can't go out to dinner or be seen in public.
Maile says: "When you can't explain it to your friends and you're lying to them? It's like, that's, that's really hard."
Rosanna says it's hard because she can't go out and live her life like she normally would. "There are issues with that. Can't give away the surprise!"
At the studio, David Foster shakes hands with the five girls, acting like he's again meeting them for the first time. Somehow he forgets Rosanna's name and instead shakes Nicole's hand. Rosanna looks over at Ivette like, "He doesn't remember me." Ivette looks at Rosanna like, "Wow. He was really rude to you just now."
David is getting preachy in his Preachy Chair: "The way it works best is that nobody's feelings can get hurt. If you suck on the first verse, I move you to the second verse. If you suck on a harmony part, I get somebody else to do it. 'Cause there's just no time. You're gonna be so busy. And three months from now you guys are gonna be a lot better than you are today as a group, right? And, I mean, we know you can all sing, but I have no time to fool around if somebody can't make their part. It's like, you know, in the beginning you might wanna, like, [goes into condescending girlie voice] 'Oh, let's just have her on the record because, you know, she's part of the group.'" The other girls look at Ivette and smile, because they were all thinking the same thing about her. David continues: "It's, it's just about a group effort, right? So, please, don't get your feelings hurt. If you can handle three of the parts? Great. Let's just get it done. You know, because in the end, it's what's best for the group. Can I be any more clear about that?" I have a feeling that David Foster has recently sat down with his model daughter Amy to tell her these exact words concerning her trust fund. She can't get it until she turns twenty-five and she can't get it if she marries ex-druggie, twice-married Ashley Hamilton. I imagine he's already told her that if she fucks up and marries someone, he's gonna find someone else to give all that money to. And if Jaymes plays her bitch cards right, she might be just the woman in line. Keep it in the family, after all.
Rosanna tells us that St. Elmo tells it like it is and doesn't mince words. She says his honesty is important for her. She's cut off before she can tell us that the other four girls hate his bones.
"The pressure begins to mount," the narrator says for absolutely no reason. The shot is of the girls picking up their coats and getting off the couch. The pressure!
Ana Maria is pissy and sitting in a candlelit room usually reserved for Ozzy's ramblings on Behind the Music: "Usually you have...no deadline when you're album comes out. Or the deadline is like, a year, six months at least. And we have, like, two months to finish a whole album."
Cut to the girls standing around a piano rehearsing a song. Their first single has to be recorded "right away" to make some release deadline. They're back with Roger "Babs" Love. The torture is about to begin. The girls' first single is the opening music to Popstars. The song is called "Get Over Yourself." By pausing the lyric sheet (and helped by the Popstars website, I've got the words:
Yeah I was right there -- like the "little wife"
I was everything that you need -- always in line
I was living you -- loving you -- filling your desires
But that was then -- this is now -- look me in the eyesOh oh oh oh -- if love could choose sides
Oh oh oh oh -- it's taken mine (so)Get over yourself -- goodbye
It must be hard to be you -- yeah
Living in your life
I was always the one to cry
Now everything -- everything -- everything is all right
Get over yourself -- know why
'Cause without you see I do anything I like
Sometimes I stay out all night
And everything -- everything -- everything is all rightThis just can't be it I kept telling myself
And every magazine said was me was on the shelf
I was givin' out -- giving in -- giving way my dreams
While you put it in put me down now I found my self esteem andOh oh oh oh you won't get me back
Oh oh oh oh think I overact (well)Chorus
So now you wanna talk
Say let's do it just once more for luck
Like old times make up
Better yet just forget better get over yourself
So stay in touch
When you learn a few things about love
Until then wake up
Better yet -- better get -- better get over yourselfGet over yourself goodbye
It must be hard to be you yeah
Living in your life
I was always the one to cry
Now everything -- everything -- everything is all right
Get over yourself know why
'Cause without you see I do anything I like
Sometimes I stay out all night
And everything -- everything -- everything is all right
The girls try to learn the "'Cause without you see I do everything I like" part and keep repeating the line. Roger explains how the music goes, and how the first part is this "note rap" section and then the "Oh" part should be "completely different. Totally different vibe. Like the most beautiful thing you've ever heard." Yeah. That's gonna happen.
Man, this is boring. But this is my favorite part: "The girls have their own ideas about how parts should be assigned." Ivette asks if they could give their own opinions on what parts each girl should have. I guess they've talked about it over the gym equipment. Roger's like, "Oh, that's so cute. Uh-huh. Yeah, but no."
The narrator tells us that "reality is setting in." This is because the girls are now starting to figure out that all five of them aren't going to sing all of the parts of the songs. The narrator tells us that a "whole new round of auditions" is beginning to determine who is going to sing what verse. I nap during the commercials.
Producer / composer Matthew Gerard hesitantly walks into the room of girlies. I think Maile moves in for a hug, but we cut away before we see if she gets one. Matthew co-wrote this gem of a song, so he's going to listen to the girls' voices and determine which parts he wants each girl to sing. I guess he wants it to match the "vision" in his head.
Ivette goes first. In a split screen, Matthew tells us, "They came in the first day and they could sing all of it." Wow. They can read words on a page! Huzzah! Matthew asks Ivette's name again and then moves on.
Maile sings while clutching her knee nervously. Matthew kinda plugs his ear and nods.
Nicole sings while Ivette watches enviously behind her.
Ana Maria, in another hat, scarf, and coat, sings last. This girl needs to eat something if she's always this cold. The other girls bop around behind her. While Ana Maria sings, Matthew turns away and stops listening to her. He turns off the music and tells her she has a "great tone."
We move to the studio for more auditions. Matthew has Maile "belting" out the bridge of the song. Matthew tells us in a split screen: "Maile had a good pop voice." Maile tells us about the "nervousness behind the mic" and how it comes from everyone listening to you and judging everything that you do. The narrator tells us that Matthew "is listening for a particular sound." Why do we still have this narrator? Seriously. We are not retarded.
Rosanna is in the studio, asking how he wants the "Oh." He wants lots of "air." I guess she didn't understand Roger's explanation of "the most beautiful thing you've ever heard." While Rosanna sings, Matthew tells us in a split screen that Rosanna has a great breathy quality. He also calls her "Ro," which I'm going to ignore. Rosanna sings it again, looking bored as hell. I feel ya, Ro. I feel ya. He moves her onto the chorus and he's got her gravelling the words out. Matthew explains that he's making her sing like Grace Jones so that it can "add to the size of the chorus." Rosanna tells us in a split screen that she's learned from Roger that she has this "entire range" that she can now work from.
"For Ivette," the narrator says, "the process is about one thing." We cut to Ivette on a couch for this gem of a monologue: "Pressure. Pressure that we all want to be showcased in the song. The way the verses go, there's not enough. Pressure. You gotta show them exactly what it is in two seconds, boom, that's it. That was your chance. Pressure." Billy Joel runs into my living room and shouts, "She's ruining my song! Make her stop!" David Bowie runs in from my back door and says, "Your song? What about my song? Me and Queen own that word. Not you, not Ivette." Vanilla Ice then strolls in from my kitchen, and says, "All y'all best not step," and then smashes my lamp with a bag of Doritos. Pressure.
The narrator tells us that this process is going into the "late morning hours." When is that, exactly? "The girls are exhausted." I think that perhaps this narrator went into a studio about six months ago and recorded a few sentences that they just plug in every few months. Sound bite 32A: "The pressure is intense." Sound bite 8C: "The stakes are high." Sound bite 31C: "But it's going to take a lot more than..." Sound bite 31D: "...to handle the pressures of becoming a Popstar."
Nicole tells us that it's exhausting to start the day working out and then having lunch and then driving for two hours to the studio (where is this studio and why would they give the girls a house so far away?) and then working all day on a song.
Ana Maria is sassing up the second verse. She's also in a turtleneck, in addition to the full winter attire. Oh, and gloves. Gloves! Matthew tells us in a triple screen (one screen is just of Matthew's back as he hunches over the panel) that Ana Maria's voice "comes across, but doesn't sound like she's trying." He adds, "She has the attitude, but it's just cool." No, cold. Ana Maria is clearly freezing in Los Angeles.
"In the end, the first verse goes to Nicole." We hear Nicole singing the verse without the music. Matthew says there were some things Nicole was "the best at, just because of her natural, natural born...tone in her voice." Matthew is very shifty-eyed. Matthew said there weren't any egos among the girls, even though they all wanted to sing. Well, not in front of you, Matthew. You're the guy with the parts.
The narrator echoes these sentiments, and shows that the girls really are upset about how the parts were assigned. Maile tells us that there is "frustration" with the assignments.
Cut to the dining room table, where the bitch-fest has begun. Rosanna says she refuses to "subscribe to the idea" that the group should just have one or two lead singers. She says not all groups are like that. Ivette gives an amen and Rosanna starts shaking her head slowly and waving her hands like she's just said the gospel. Nicole watches quietly from her Beyonce position. Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun.
Back to the catfight. Ivette says that she doesn't want the day to start like this. Maile interrupts her to say that they're a group and they need to talk to each other. Nicole is so not talking. We see the same damn scene again where Rosanna refuses to subscribe to ideas. These girls point at each other an awful lot. How rude. Ivette says you pick and choose your battles and she's not going to pick the battle that involves her opening both arms and waving them around towards the other girls. I don't know what battle she's referring to there. Maile says they've had tension and cries and it's important to "keep it real within the circle." She emphasizes by drawing imaginary circles in front of her. Maile says they all had shots at being soloists, and now they're in a group.
Nicole tells us that outside of the studio, everything is usually "peachy keen." She then continues to lie and says that it's only inside the studio that things "heat up." For her use of the words "peachy keen," Nicole is now my least favorite person on this show. I hate her apathetic face.
Rosanna says that it's important to have your own little part of the song to point out to people and say, "That's me."
Maile says they all want to be featured. She says that all of their egos have been crushed at one point.
Ivette says that she's not crazy about the song because it doesn't feature all of them. "So, I'm not too crazy about that." When Ivette says "us," however, it's pretty clear she means "me." And, I don't know, it seems like this is becoming a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's just the first song, right? On an entire album, right? Get Over Yourself, indeed.
Now that the song has been recorded, the girls have to choose a name. Put quotes around that last sentence and add an annoying voice, and you've got the narrator. Ivette (with straightened hair) looks into a book, looks up, and says, "The Deal." No one says anything. Ivette looks to her and quietly asks, "No?" The camera pans over to Maile sitting to her. "No." Hee.
Nicole tells us that right now her favorite name for the group is "Bella." Hey, is that a shout-out? Nicole laughs, because she knows that name is dumb as hell.
Ivette's not giving up and now tries the Jennifer Lopez version of her word. "What about 'On the Real'?" No one is talking to Ivette. "The Real Deal." The word "real" probably shouldn't be anywhere near these girls.
Cut to some other day with Ivette on a couch. She suggests this "fun" activity of everyone thinking of a really cheesy name at the same time. I hope everyone else picks "The Real Deal" and shouts it at her.
"Elation!" Maile says with scary eyes. She immediately says she's just kidding and the other girls would hate that suggestion, even though you can tell she's really kind of smitten with Elation.
Nicole looks up from her book. "What about 'Seek'?" I'd like to offer "Seek and Destroy." No one ever asks for my opinion. Maile actually needs this answer: "You guys didn't like 'A and E' or 'E and A'?" I wonder if that stands for Arts and Entertainment or Ass and Extensions. "Amuse," Nicole says, and then quickly negates herself. Ivette writes down in her notebook, "Kismet," saying she likes it a lot. Now, somehow, there's a man's voice in the room. In a bad edit, Couch Ivette is telling Earnest Ivette, "That's really dumb!"
I guess this went on for a while, but luckily we're quickly introduced to the band name, since this show is not about the making of a pop group, but rather the pimping of the group and the group's songs and the industry behind them. They all sit together and say to the camera, "Hi. We're Eden's Crush." As the Tiny Squares of Girls and Fun take over the screen, I am really quite speechless. Where the hell did that name come from? And what does it mean? The Garden of Eden has a crush on them? Wha? What about Adam's Crush? Then at least the first man has a thing for them, making them, like, Eve or something. God. I don't know. I don't even know what that means. And I refuse to believe they came up with this name, anyway. I'm sure they labored over names until they got into a big old fight and then David Foster was like, "Oh, we were kidding about you guys choosing your names. You're Eden's Crush. We already made the website."
We cut to the five girls in the studio with various shots of them singing the song. Sometimes they're all together. Nicole is eating this up, by the way. She's already flirting with the camera, pushing up her Beyonce status while the other girls are just trying to sing. There's really nothing more to comment on, here, except that at one point Maile's so enthralled with singing to the camera that she turns away from the microphone to sing it right at us. Oh, and the editing department needs to go. I don't need four squares of the same shot of Maile and Nicole singing. No one does. Ana Maria is still smooshing her face to sing.
week the girls have this big public performance where they have to dance. Ivette snaps at Nicole for telling her that her steps are wrong. They're dancing behind a big sheet since no one can know who they are. And Ivette's gonna start crying because she hates everyone. She's the new Alexandra, and now I'm gonna have to see her sobby face shaking in front of the camera every three seconds. Great. Rosanna loses her voice, because she's not a singer. She says she'll be able to dance behind the other girls, but she won't be able to sing. Out of the group, I say!