In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
A Chinese nuclear submarine sinks off the coast of California. China declines to rescue the trapped men because it would mean admitting they were spying on the U.S. President Garcetti can't authorize a rescue operation because it acknowledges that he knows China was spying on the U.S. This all has Elaine hopping up on the highest horse she can find and lecturing everyone about decency and loyalty and whatnot. Vice President Collier calls her a hypocrite, seeing as how disloyal she's being by running against Garcetti. Elaine denies everything, but it doesn't make any difference. Bud tries to get her to use the incident as a breaking point to separate herself from the current administration. Shut up, Bud. Even if he's making sense. Just... shut up, Bud.
Meanwhile, T.J. is getting ready for opening night of the Dome. Palling around with him is his sobriety sponsor from Narcotics Anonymous. His name is Gunner Cox. Gunner Cox! It's so awesomely awful. Amid all this, T.J. remembers the last time he was happy and sober. It was six months ago, when he was in love with a hot, young -- and very, very closeted -- Republican senator. Collier uses knowledge of the affair to blackmail the senator into voting with the Democrats on some contentious bit of legislation. Elaine warns T.J. about the move ahead of time, but he's devastated when she can't/won't fight Collier on the issue. The young senator goes into gay panic overdrive and pretends like he's super disgusted by the thought of being with T.J., despite an earlier declaration of love. This is what leads up to T.J.'s suicide attempt in December.
In the present day, the whole family is planning to attend the Dome's opening night. Or so they tell T.J. Once the actual night rolls around, Bud announces he's not going, and Elaine follows suit. T.J. descends into a self-destructive spiral, and brings Gunner along for the ride. Bud, feeling bad for slighting his son, shows up at the club, only to find him unconscious on the floor.
In other subplots: Georgia continues to prove what a sneaky sneak she is and weasels her way into a byline with Susan. Elaine finally admits to Garcetti she's running against him, but manages to convince him to save the Chinese sub anyway. Bud continues to be a horndog with a bizarre ability to snag hot women, but he may be trying to change his ways. Stay tuned for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Christmas, 2011. The Hammond/Barrish family decorates for the holidays while snarking about Congressman Sean Reeves. He's on TV, being all staunchly Republican about some bill or another, and Elaine doesn't like him. T.J. kind of sticks up for him, while Nana is a fan of his abs. T.J. excuses himself from the rest of the evening, saying he's got a Narcotics Anonymous meeting to get to. Elaine tells her boy she's very proud of him. They hug and smile and it's very sweet. Enjoy it, because it won't last.
Later, T.J. plays Christmas songs at the piano while clad only in his boxer briefs. "I love it when you play," says a naked man currently lounging in a postcoital tousle on the couch. It's Sean Reeves. Sadly, he gets up and starts putting his clothes back on. "I can't stay. We're reconvening in an hour," he says. "Are you still deliberating? What are you holding out for?" T.J. asks. Sean says the bill goes too far and endangers more kids than it helps. All this political talk gets T.J. hot and bothered. Alas, Sean's wife calls and snaps them both back reality for a moment. Sean doesn't answer, but T.J. sees her picture on the caller ID. "She's pretty," he says. Sean gives T.J. their homey backstory of football and nerdiness. "Was it love at first sight?" T.J. asks. "I didn't know what love at first sight was, till you," Sean says. They start making out at the piano. The only "reconvening" tonight will involve their nekkid bodies.
Present day. T.J. tells his fellow N.A. members that December was the last time he was happy. He was six months sober -- the longest stint since coming under public scrutiny in the White House. He says Doug could handle the "fishbowl," but he couldn't. He escaped with drugs. "Good share," says a cute guy with carefully managed stubble.
Doug meets Susan at her sister's place. We don't get to meet the sister, who's been barred from meeting Doug because of the embarrassing childhood crush she had on him. If someone tried to keep me from meeting my childhood crush, there would be hell to pay. Nobody's keeping me away from Superman, man. Susan wants all the deets about Elaine's campaign. (She writes everything in a Moleskin notebook so you know she's old school.) Doug grouses that there hasn't been a campaign to speak of. For the past three weeks, Garcetti has had them doing globe-hopping busywork. Susan asks about Bud Hammond's new publicist, Mindy Meyers. "Word is, she was brought in to rehabilitate his image as a reckless womanizer." (A quick cut to an interview shows Bud nearly crying over a question about his ex-wife. Of course, he's also sleeping with his publicist, who is young and hot and who promises him a bump in his poll numbers. She forbids him going to T.J.'s club opening, lest Bud get himself photographed with some hot co-ed.) Back to the meeting with Susan: She wonders if it isn't a bad idea for T.J. to be opening a nightclub, but Doug says he got a chaperon for his brother. When Susan tries to pry for details about Doug's personal life, he shuts down. She reminds him of their deal and threatens to tell Elaine about his betrayal. He doesn't give in. She seems surprised and a little impressed. I bet they totally end up doin' it.
Crisis time! Elaine, the President and assorted military men meet in the Situation Room. A Chinese nuclear sub has bottomed out just off the coast of San Diego, probably in the course of spying on the U.S. Wow, Elaine's blouse is showing a lot of boob. She sums up the situation: "So, a hundred men are trapped in a sub at the bottom of the ocean, getting slowly cooked by nuclear radiation?" Vice President Collier says something snarky about Elaine's return and she openly rolls her eyes at him. The Chinese are too far away to receive the distress signal. Elaine wants to tell them, but Collier scoffs. Garcetti sides with Elaine, but advises caution: "You'll be telling them we know they were spying." Yes, I think as the nation's top diplomat she would know that, but thanks.
Elaine's townhouse. A bleary-eyed Nana wakes up to find the cute stubbly guy from T.J.'s meeting sitting in the kitchen. "I'm Gunner Cox," he introduces himself. Porniest name ever! He explains, "I'm T.J.'s sober partner -- keep him on the straight and narrow." "In my day we'd call you a party pooper," she grumps. The family does want T.J. to be sober, right? Elaine comes in and says it's very reassuring to have Gunner around. T.J. joins them and goes over the plans for the club's opening night. Everyone's going to meet up and then to the red carpet thing together. He's super happy about the whole thing, which just makes Elaine suspicious.
She has a flashback to December. Collier pulls her aside for a private meeting about the Child Protection Act. "Look, we're gonna get the votes. Just not the way we wanted." He tells Elaine with gossipy glee that they're going to blackmail Sean Reeves into voting their way by threatening to expose his big secret gay love affair. Elaine is disgusted. "You know they'd do the same to us," he says of the Republicans. "We're supposed to be better than they are," she says. How did she get that far in politics without realizing how dirty it is? Everybody is awful. They're just awful for different outcomes. Nonetheless, Elaine wants no part of the dirty deal. That's when Collier gives her a file of all the particulars and says Reeves is having an affair with her son.
Back to the present. Elaine meets with the Chinese ambassador, with whom she's on friendly terms. They speak French so that the ambassador's translator doesn't understand what they're saying... except that words like "nuclear" and "accident" and "S.O.S." are the exact same in French and English. Oy. The ambassador says he can't send a rescue team, as it would expose their failure.
T.J. loiters around some hotel or apartment lobby. While he nervously waits for something to happen, he has a flashback that conveniently picks up where his mother's left off. She confronts him about the affair. "Are you gonna let them do this?" he asks. "Come after us like some kind of witch hunt?" "I think what they're doing is the lowest form of politics," Elaine says, "but the Congressman created this situation for himself." T.J. thinks his mother's mad because his boyfriend is a Republican, but it's his marriage that's really got her bothered. Poor, deluded T.J. thinks Sean is going to leave his wife, but Elaine has been here before, on the other side of the equation. "He's a politician -- if he was going to leave her, he would have done it!" T.J. goes on about how much he loves Sean and how he's a different person with Sean and he doesn't need any drugs when he's with Sean. "You are tying your sobriety to this asshole? You are in so much trouble," she says. "Then help us," he pleads. She says that's what she's doing now, but he storms off in tears.
Back in the present day, T.J. "just happens" to run into Sean in the lobby. T.J. lights up like a million watts, but Sean is more reserved. Sean starts to mention the suicide news, but T.J. waves it away as rumor. He invites Sean to the opening of his club and Sean is super excited about it. That he's only pretending to be excited would be obvious to everyone but T.J.
Garcetti and Elaine argue about the Chinese sub. Elaine wants to rescue the men because it's the right thing to do. Even my liberal, half-Chinese self is like, "Eh, whatever." You sign up to take a sub into American waters, you kind of have to accept the risks. "We can't just give up on a hundred lives," Elaine says. "Spare us the morality talk," Collier says, "when you're plotting a coup d'état." Right on, Gomer! Elaine denies everything, but they know about the secret trip to the pollster and all the rest of the dumb plot to run against Garcetti. Elaine claims it's all a rumor. Garcetti doesn't budge on the sub issue.
Georgia the cupcake-baking blogger interviews Anne. It's supposed to be a puff piece about Anne's interior decorating business, but it quickly turns into something else. Georgia: "So, you're super busy and you're probably gonna be even busier once Elaine Barrish runs for office again." Anne: "Oh, yeah, totally!" Georgia: "HA! GOTCHA!" Anne: "Aw, damn it!" Anne goes home to Doug all in a panic over Georgia's trickery. She's never going to stop throwing up now. Doug calls Susan and tells her what happened. If Susan doesn't kill the story, both she and Doug are screwed.
When Elaine goes home, she finds Bud already there. He claims he's there for T.J.'s pre-nightclub dinner, but he's also there because he heard about her visiting the Chinese embassy. Elaine isn't supposed to talk about it, but Bud somehow divines most of what's happened, so she just spills the rest of the beans. Bud sees the incident as a way for Elaine to split with Garcetti, be seen as the one who saves lives. Somehow I don't think "I'll rescue Chinese spies!" will go over well as a campaign promise. She reminds him the situation is classified. "These things have a way of leaking out," he says, which means he's probably going to be the one to leak it. Speaking of leaks, she calls him out for his tearful interview. She figures he must have hired some woman, that he's sleeping with her and that he's trying to worm his way into the campaign. "Are you that desperate to get back into the White House?" she asks. "I told you I wasn't givin' up you," he says. If she takes him back, she has even poorer judgment than her array of hideous skirts would suggest.
Susan confronts Georgia and tries to convince her to drop the story. Susan's lead argument is basically that if Georgia posts the story to her blog, she won't be a real journalist and it won't get her or the paper any prestige. Susan offers her a teeny, tiny little reporting credit on the larger story, but that's not enough for Georgia. She wants to partner with Susan on the story and share the byline. She gives Susan till Monday morning to make her decision.
Everyone gathers at Elaine's for T.J.'s shindig. "Be careful getting out of the limo," Nana says to Anne. "Photographers love to get a beaver shot!" T.J. is very touched that everyone turned out to support him. Bud suddenly announces he's not going. Doug correctly guesses that Mindy Meyers has something to do with the decision, but Bud denies it. "I would no more attend this thing than watch someone toss a baby seal into the jaws of an orca. That's about as much chance as T.J. has of keeping it straight in a nightclub." Could someone please toss Bud into the jaws of an orca? Bud and T.J. argue, with Elaine tossing in a weak declaration of shock or two. Gunner tries to stick up for T.J., but in doing so lets it slip that Sean Reeves will be there. Suddenly, Elaine decides to side with Bud and says she's not going. She reminds T.J. of how Sean abandoned him and that she was the one who found him barely alive. She says she's done trying to save him and tearfully wishes him success. Her whole speech comes across like a guilt trip, frankly. The thing is that none of them are wrong for not trusting T.J., but they're all just such bastards about it that it's kind of hard to cheer them on.
Gunner and T.J. arrive at the club in a limo. Gunner's a little too charmed by all the celebrity treatment. T.J. finds out Sean hasn't picked up his VIP pass to the party and gets super sad. He has a flashback to December. He's just told Sean about the blackmail threat. Sean is in a panic, but T.J. tries to get him to see it as an opportunity to come out. "There's no more sneaking around, no more being hidden." T.J. cites his own experience, but Sean scoffs. "You think this country's going to applaud me for breaking my wife's heart? For lying to everyone?" T.J. tries to kiss him, but Sean shoves him away. He says a lot of hurtful things about being disgusted and lonely and susceptible. He doesn't want T.J.'s pathetic life. T.J. stands there looking like he just got kicked in the sternum as Sean leaves.
Present day. T.J.'s dealer (he was on the VIP list, too) hands him a baggie of cocaine the size of a ping pong ball.
Susan and Doug meet. She tells him Georgia won't back off. When Doug finds out that Susan turned down Georgia's byline deal, he blows up at her. He does a lot of shouting about women in politics and up with uteruses and all that jazz. They look like they're about to dive into some serious hate sex at any moment, but Susan finally only changes her mind when Doug appeals to her ambition. She wants a shiny new Pulitzer and this is her way to get it. "You want it as bad as I want to be White House Chief of Staff," he says. Ah, finally! His own ambition is verbalized. "Like it or not," he says, 'in order for our dreams to come true, my mother's has to come true first."
Elaine goes to the Oval Office to talk to Garcetti. If he spends his campaign wearing a tuxedo shirt with his tie undone like he's got here, then he's going to be a hard man to beat. Woof. Elaine confesses that she does plan to run against him. "I'll resign in 48 hours after we have saved those men... together." There's more lecturing, but in the end they reach an agreement.
Bud gets his latest poll numbers and realizes Mindy's advice isn't helping him, so he decides it's okay for him to go to his son's nightclub. Or something. The poll numbers are the only insight the show gives to show why Bud would suddenly change his mind. He also figures if he's going to change his image as a womanizer, he should probably stop actually being one. Of course, during all this he calls Mindy "hon" and "doll," so he's apparently not trying to change his image as a patronizing pig. Baby steps!
T.J. has snorted his way through most of the coke when Gunner walks into the V.I.P. room and finds him. Gunner tries to get him to leave, but T.J. talks his fellow addict into staying with promises of fame and success and hot women. Wait. Gunner is straight? Also, maybe Doug should have hired someone who wouldn't be so easily tempted by drugs. Gunner and T.J. totally share the same snortin' straw, too. So unsanitary!
Flashback. T.J. remembers watching the news as Sean talks to a reporter about changing his vote on that bill. Drunk and crying, he goes to the garage, gets into his car and starts the engine. The garage fills with exhaust. Cut to the present, where he's inhaling his current oblivion of choice.
Susan agrees to share the byline with Georgia. They shake hands on the deal, but Susan has tried to help Georgia before and it bit her in the ass.
Bud arrives at the club and finds Gunner in a drugged daze. He realizes what this means for his son. The bit is intercut with scenes from the past. As Elaine finds T.J. in the garage back then, Bud finds him on the floor in the V.I.P. room. He shouts for an ambulance and cradles his unconscious son. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says. Yes, Bud, you really are.
Tippi Blevins once wanted to be in politics, then came to her senses. Email questions or comments about this recap to b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter at @TippiB.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!