We open with a really extended montage of the past two episodes. I'm talking a whole minute. It's almost like someone knows the odds are good that most of the viewers have never seen a episode of this program. I mean, this show regularly gets beat in the ratings by Smackdown over on the UPN, okay? My wrestling expert friend laughs and laughs whenever I tell him that, and he assures me that this situation does not bode well for Point Pleasant.
Fresh from learning that there is something pretty freaky about her parentage, Christina sits motionless on her bed, bathed in the revolving glow of a lighthouse which apparently does not even really exist in Point Pleasant. She stares at the piece of manuscript with the Biohazard symbol on it that she found in the water last week after Father David became immortally challenged. Then we get to join Christina in her dream, where she is walking down a deserted street in town. Well, it's bereft of other living people -- or whatever the hell it is that Christina's supposed to be anyway. She stares in horror at the corpses lying around. Then it's my turn to stare in horror as Big Dumb Jesse lumbers toward her. Is he going to tell her about the cool dump truck he saw on his way over? No, he's here to help Christina "fix" things. He does this by shoving a knife in her back. He does take the time to say that he loves her, though. So that was nice. Oh, and Christina loves him too. Unfortunately, this is all a dream.
There's some nice SatanCam footage of the ocean and then this completely wacky shot of a long, white covered bridge. Google tells me that two covered bridges actually exist in New Jersey. I must tell you that covered bridges really aren't the first thing I think of when I think of New Jersey. In fact, they're not even the eight-hundredth thing. But I guess someone wants to establish Point Pleasant as very, very quaint. Okay, then -- duly noted.
Over at Hargrove Realty, Ben drops by to find that Amber has decided not to cover up the bruise she received on her face while trying to seduce him in the last episode. He plays on her sympathies by pointing out all the times he's come to her aid over the years. Amber turns that around on him, accusing him of having a "savior complex" and implying that if she "hadn't picked someone else in high school," she and the good doctor would be together. When Ben asks what she hopes to gain by blackmailing him, she replies that she just wants him to "tell the truth." What, she wants him to admit he finds her attractive? Well, that's kind of stupid. I know she's been having an identity crisis lately -- what with nobody wanting to sleep with her, and her entire self-worth being wrapped up in sex -- but that's hardly a reason to blackmail someone who has been really helpful to you in the past. It's pretty rude, actually. And when Amber tells him, "Just say it, and all of this goes away," I'm a little skeptical.
Over breakfast, Christina tries to convince Judy that she is messing up Judy's life. She even tries to take the blame for setting the Kramers' boat on fire, which she has to realize sounds pretty bizarre if you're not familiar with, you know, the whole Satan thing. Judy reassures Christina that she is not bringing bad luck to Point Pleasant, and commiserates with her over the fact that her father still hasn't phoned. She hopes Christina will stay with them for a long time. Clearly Judy has not been keeping up with the Thursday night television rankings.
We're treated to some more SatanCam, as well as the usual stock footage of boardwalk rides. I keep expecting to see lobster traps or maybe a random shot of Niagara Falls, since it is painfully obvious that no one involved with this show has ever actually been to the Jersey shore.
Downtown, Sarah is looking super-preppy in her cardigan and pearl necklace (oh, quit it) as she gets ready to conduct a walking tour of Point Pleasant history. Surprisingly enough, she's got some takers. It's not that I have anything against history per se; it's just that I can't imagine spending a beautiful day walking through town when I could be at the beach. After giving her introductory spiel, Sarah turns and bumps right into Melrose Jake. He holds her kind of close as he mentions how happy he is to see her. Well, yes, that is half a roll of Lifesavers in his pocket. Why do you ask? Of course, Sarah's husband, Logan, chooses just this moment to drive by and stare balefully at his wife, who isn't even doing anything wrong. However, to be fair, from far away it does look as if she and Jake are holding hands.
As Sarah nervously breaks away and starts leading her group on their tour, Melrose Jake tags along and tries to convince her that there's nothing wrong with the "harmless sexual tension" they share. That doesn't get him very far, though, which makes me wonder what's wrong with Sarah. I mean, Jake is hot, and Logan's a creepy stalker. Jake switches tactics and encourages Sarah to tell "the truth" to her tour group. It will "set [her] free," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean in this context. A frazzled Sarah leads her tour group away. Melrose Jake smiles a self-satisfied smile that really should detract from his hotness, but doesn't.
Over at St. Martin's Church, Father Dumb-ass walks into what looks like a bedroom that is actually in the church. That's kind of weird, isn't it? I mean, the room has churchlike architecture and the same stained glass windows we're always seeing in other parts of the church. As Father Dumb-ass stares at a badly rendered CGI insect flying around the ceiling fan, a woman walks in and mentions that Father David missed breakfast. This is unusual, comments the woman, who looks like she's the housekeeper. When Father Dumb-ass stares back up at the ceiling fan, the housekeeper assumes he is praying, and she enthusiastically joins in to ask for Father David's safe return. Yeah, it's a little late for that, sweetheart. Also, Father Dumb-ass is not even praying. The housekeeper looks embarrassed and leaves, which doesn't sound like it would be very funny, but it is. Father Dumb-ass stares down at the Bible in his hands and realizes there's one of those CGI mystery insects on it. His eyes bug out with fear. Heh, heh. Geddit? They bug out with…oh, never mind.
Fortunately for us, Sarah has taken Melrose Jake's suggestion to heart and is spicing up the tour with lesser-known stories about Point Pleasant, like the one about the town's early settler with syphilis who went crazy and killed eighteen of the townspeople in their sleep. Oops! Sarah lamely tries to cover up by telling the group that this is not normally part of the tour, but she just thought they "should know." A bitchy woman replies, "Well, we shouldn't," and her son asks, "What's syphilis?" Hey, I would love to be on a tour like this one! It would be even better than the one on Mt. Rainier, where our tour guide made fun of animals in a way that had my sister and me doubled over with laughter while everyone else was looking disturbed. The best part was when he said, "And over to our right, folks, we have a wild turkey. As you can see, the lights are on, but there's nobody home. It's amazing that a creature this stupid has managed to survive for so many centuries." I was really hoping Jesse would show up in the scene so I could do an elegant little segue here, but no such luck.
Then again, Jesse hasn't been very stupid in episode yet, and we're already up to the quarter mark (and FINALLY -- the opening credits!). Of course, Jesse hasn't actually been in the show yet, except at the very beginning, in Christina's dream -- the one in which he stabs her. And if you're trying to kill someone who's already gone all apocalyptic on your hometown, you should probably be commended.
No, instead we get Christina leaving another message for her (surrogate) father on his answering machine. I think Elisabeth Harnois does a fine job with this scene, in which she begs FauxDaddy to call her while also telling him off at the same time. She's really just scared, though. James Morrison as FauxDaddy does a nice job too, even though all he has to do is sit there and look upset while listening to the message Christina is leaving. But he really rocks that distress! Hey, what do I know about acting anyway?
Amber and Paula are having a heart-warming mother-daughter brunch. Sniff! Paula is a little skeptical about Amber's story about how she ended up with the bruise on her cheek. Can't say I blame the girl. Amber informs us that she is planning to contact Sheriff Logan when she gets back to the office.
Christina finally notices that there is a message light blinking on the Kramers' answering machine. Why she didn't clue in to that two scenes ago is a mystery, but I'll be charitable and put it down to her being upset about FauxDaddy. After asking Judy if it's all right, Christina listens to the message, which turns out to be the one Father David left right before he died -- the message about Ben and family being in danger. Christina is panic-stricken as she erases it, then lies to Judy that Father Dumb-ass left a message telling her he found out some information on her mother. Judy offers to drive her to the church, but Christina just walks out the door without saying a word. I assume that means no to the ride offer.
FauxDaddy calls Jake to tell him that Christina has been phoning him, wanting to come home. Jake says he thinks she will stay right where she is. Why? Because she's getting attached to the Kramers. It's all part of the grand plan: "That's the trick -- make her love and lose again and again. Eventually the world will feel her pain. Then they'll feel nothing at all." Oh, Jake, quit being such a drama queen.
Paula insists that her mother is being overly melodramatic also, and she needs Jesse to comfort her with a quick roll in the sand under the pier. She even asks Ribcage to take over for Jesse. He sneers as he sarcastically says, "Sounds like a plan, Paula." Ribcage has a name now. It's Terry. Look, if it's all right with you, I'm just not even going to bother remembering that, okay? Good. When Jesse rushes off nervously, Ribcage tries to comfort Paula but gets the brush-off.
Amber is on hold, waiting to speak to Sheriff Logan, when Melrose Jake sneaks up behind her and hangs up her call. He warns her that if she tries to engage in a public battle with Ben, her bad reputation won't exactly be an asset. He wants her help with a business endeavor: buying up the whole town! I guess they're not even going to try to make this thing have any basis in realism, are they?
Jake strikes up a conversation with a city worker who is doing something to the traffic lights at a downtown intersection. He claims it has to do with so many extra people in town during tourist season, and Jake smiles as if this were the most interesting thing in the world.
Back at the beach, Ribcage accuses Jesse of avoiding Paula and asks what's up. Jesse expositions helpfully by explaining that he's not blind to all her "diva" crap. Okay, then why does he stay with her? "She's just the most exciting thing that ever happened to me in this town," he says. Well, obviously he hasn't been down to Main Street lately to chat with the traffic light guy. Jesse used to think he had his future figured out, but after meeting Christina, he's developed delusions of grandeur and thinks that he's meant to do something important. Ribcage must know that Jesse only scored in the single digits on his IQ test, and warns him, "She's just a girl, man. Don't give her too much power." Oh, I see. There's that play on "power," as in Christina's special powers. That's very clever. In comparison to Jesse, anyway.
Christina is walking down Main Street, looking angry as she tries to figure out all the mysteries around her. We know she's thinking about her life issues because there are convenient flashbacks of events like her finding the Biohazard symbol on her eye and listening to Father David's phone message. Melrose Jake is watching her from a sidewalk cafe. As she waits to cross the street, the traffic light guy starts hitting switches on the traffic light box…thing. Hey, I don't know what they're called! Jake knocks his plastic glass off the table. It makes a quiet thudding sound, but evidently this is more than enough to distract traffic light guy, who flips the wrong switch, making the lights in both directions turn green, thus causing a traffic accident. If I told you one of the people involved in this accident were Judy, would you tell me, "Nah, that's far too contrived for a fine show such as this one"? Yeah, I didn't think so. Christina tries to revive the unconscious Judy, but to no avail.
A commercial break allows the EMTs time to put Judy on stretcher. The guy who hit her is, thus far, uninjured. That's about to change, though, as Christina realizes who he is. Get ready, Other Driver, for Christina is going to unleash her awesome evil powers on your sorry, sorry ass. And for her first move, will she make you keel over? Wrack your body with horrible pains? Or will she, you know, give you a tiny little nosebleed that probably doesn't even hurt at all? Yeah, it's the nosebleed one, sad to say. Melrose Jake looks like he's pleased with her, though. Or maybe that smirk is because he thinks this scene is just as stupid as I do.
Sarah is leading her tour toward the famous lighthouse that the real Point Pleasant doesn't even have. She talks about the lighthouse being a beacon of hope, or something. Then she realizes how boring that sounds and gives up. And "as far as the town goes, well, its history seems to be a laundry list of disaster, cruelty, madness, and betrayal." The proprietor of the lighthouse interrupts, inviting the guests to "come inside for some sugar cookies and enjoy our gift shop." I just hope they have shirts that say, "My ancestors got killed by some guy with syphilis, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." And it would be nice if you could also buy one of those baseball caps with fake bird crap on them that say "Shithead."
I'm not sure why Logan is waiting there for his wife. Maybe he's stalking her? Or maybe he wants to have a fun chat about how he saw her with Melrose Jake earlier downtown. Sarah is pissed, and rightfully so, as she yells at him. We learn that she lost her virginity to someone other than him and that he's still trying to make her feel guilty about it. Hey, here's a news flash. Most women don't find that kind of obsessive behavior flattering; we find it creepy. Evidently Sarah is in the creeped-out camp because she threatens that Logan will lose both her and Jesse if he doesn't get a grip.
Over at the hospital, Judy is whining about how bad she feels and how she wants some drugs. It's pretty funny. Then her parents have to show up and ruin the scene with their overprotectiveness. Judy's doctor pulls Ben aside, physician to physician, to tell him that Judy has some inflammation around her brain and may require cranial surgery. Ben is extremely worried about how Meg will handle this. Since Meg has not given me any reason at all to care about her, let's just say I'm a lot more cavalier in my attitude toward her and her well-being.
Down at a local watering hole, Amber is trying to talk, but Melrose Jake shuts her up, since he is "listening to the crickets." He means the local townsfolk, who are gossiping about Judy's condition and griping about tourists in general. "Somebody's going to have to teach these rich bastards a lesson," says one guy. Once Jake is through eavesdropping, he endears himself to me further by inquiring insultingly about Amber's love life. She tells Jake that although he is wicked hot, he makes her ill. Fair enough. With that out of the way, they move on to the alleged business deal. Jake is full of big promises but short on details, as he claims his plan is to "build something that lasts, that matters, that changes people's lives." Well, then clearly he's not planning to create a poorly rated television show about pretty teens nobody cares about and some vaguely supernatural goings-on in a beach community.
Jake explains that first Amber must get all her "emotional ducks in a row." I'm not entirely sure what this means, but apparently it has something to do with Ben being a salt shaker and Meg being a tiny bowl of lime slices blocking the salt shaker. I start to feel sorry for Grant Show. I mean, look at some of the dialogue he has to work with. But I think I feel sorrier for myself because all this salt and lime talk is making me crave a tequila shot, and I think we're all out of tequila.
Hey, speaking of craptacular dialogue, check out Paula. She claims she drove Jesse to the hospital to see Judy. You see, Jesse "is the one who actually cares about people." Golly, that's heartwarming. Too bad there's no one on the writing staff who cares about making sure the script doesn't suck real hard. Meg and Christina walk in. Christina sees Jesse and Paula and walks out again. She does not do this in a way that would minimize Paula's suspicions at all. As Paula stares meanly at the departing Christina, Judy tries to defuse the tension by asking, "So, who wants to see my X-rays?" I think that was supposed to be a joke. No, I really do. Hey, don't try to second-guess your recapping professional, okay?
Christina makes her way to a stairwell and starts pacing nervously. Jesse makes some stupid excuse about not getting any reception on his cell phone and having to go outside. He gets about as far as Christina's stairwell, in case you didn't see that coming. He and Christina make out for a while. They still have no chemistry. They exchange bad dialogue about missing each other, even though they don't even really know each other. They squash their faces together in preparation for another kiss but are interrupted by a member of the hospital staff walking by. "I don't know what this is," mutters Jesse before taking off. Back at Judy's bedside, he learns that Paula took off on him.
Christina walks past the Other Driver, who is bitching into his cell phone about the accident. When he says he thinks Judy faked her injuries, Christina does a slow burn. And you know what's , right? What do you want to bet Other Driver comes down with a painful hangnail or a really bad case of halitosis? Well, the reality is just as stupid. Other Driver starts choking. That's all. No cherry pits a la The Witches of Eastwick, which rather disappointed me. With all the other movies and shows they've ripped off so far, you have to wonder who was asleep at the wheel to miss a great opportunity like that.
Father Dumb-ass leafs through Father David's Bible and reads aloud a passage that says, "An innocent will come here to serve the beast." Then a drop of pinkish water falls onto the page and arranges itself into three sixes. It's not even the Biohazard symbol, just three garden variety sixes sitting in a row. Father Dumb-ass gasps and closes the Bible. I'd expect him to look around a bit to see where that water came from, but no dice. Instead, he stands up and pulls a dagger out of the desk.
Hey, he's just in time for the arrival of everyone's favorite hell child! Christina says she thinks she knows what the Biohazard symbol means and that Father David is dead. She knows she didn't kill him, though, because for her to hurt somebody, she has to really want to do so, and she didn't even know Father David. She also tells him about Melrose Jake and asks him to pray with her so that they can figure out what to do . As she starts to say the Lord's Prayer, Father Dumb-ass does his best to pull an Exorcist moment by rolling his eyes far back into his head and hissing, "Get out!" You know, I don't have some fancy degree in filmmaking. Still, correct me if I'm wrong, but if your intended effect is to inspire fear and, instead, you inspire heaps of laughter, that's probably not very good for your TV show, is it?
The best part of this episode is probably where we cut to a shot of flames and it took me a moment or two to realize we'd gone to a Burger King commercial. I can't help but wonder why the Burger King people would want to associate their burgers with hellfire, which was the first thing I thought of here.
Guess who's waiting for Christina outside the church? It's FauxDaddy! Christina gets into his big-ass limo.
Ben and Meg are in a hospital waiting room. Meg holds up a bunch of entertainment magazines and rattles off the title, claiming, "This is Judy's kind of waiting room." Yes, it's true. I regret to inform you that that was another attempt at a joke. No, I'm sure it was. What did I tell you about arguing with a veteran recapper? Hey, I was already recapping 7th Heaven while some of these "teen" actors were still in high school -- or at least just a few short years after they graduated.
Ben and Meg are sharing a bonding moment when Amber sashays in with a big bouquet of flowers she gives to Meg. Everybody is nervous as hell, even Amber, as she tells a half-assed story about getting her black eye from the garage door and apologizes for being "a crappy friend." Ben and Meg don't look like they're quite buying Amber's reformation.
Christina begs FauxDaddy to help her, to tell her "what" she is, to be her father. When he replies, "I can't be that for you. That's what I came to tell you," it's quite a sad moment. Again, Elisabeth Harnois and James Morrison do a decent job with this scene. It's not Emmy quality, but compared to the rest of the cast, I feel like at least I'm watching actors for a change.
Except for Melrose Jake, of course. He's always fabulous. And wouldn't you know it -- there he is now. As soon as a stricken Christina exits and the limo pulls away, he rolls down the partition from the front seat and starts wondering whose side FauxDaddy is on. He adds, "If I don't win her over, your ass is slung over a pit right to mine." Now, that, ladies and gentlemen, was a joke! Thank you, Melrose Jake.
Oh, look -- it's two people nobody gives a rat's ass about: Logan and Sarah. In fact, I'd gloss over their conversation completely if it weren't so damn funny. You see, Sarah has what she considers to be a fabulous idea: She and Logan can have a baby of their own. That reminds me of my high school friend who was living with this guy named Bob. She and Bob were going through sort of a rough patch in their relationship, probably caused by the fact that they were both cheating on each other. So, in order to remedy the situation, they decided to get married. About a year later, they were cheating on each other again. But this time they were ready with an even better solution: having a child together. The story gets worse after that -- and even involves prison -- but we're not here to discuss the lives of those two misguided souls. No, we've got our own set of misguided losers right here in front of us. Logan claims he never wanted kids anyway; all he ever really wanted was Sarah. Eek, you're scaring me, Logan. Sarah's much braver, though, and she continues to try to win him over to showing some appreciation for Jesse. Logan bitterly asserts, "You act like the kid is touched by God or something." Sarah argues that Jesse has been touched by God. After all, "everyone's felt it." A show of hands, please, from TWoP folk who've actually felt anything of the sort, not just apathy or pity, whenever Jesse shows up onscreen. Anybody?
Amber manages to catch Ben alone. First she apologizes for her recent behavior. Ben must be brighter than I thought because he doesn't seem to be believing a word. He forgets all about that, though, when Amber informs him that the rich, well-connected politician father of Other Driver is planning to launch a civil suit against him. Okay, I'm not sure on what grounds, but it's not like the storyline will be realistic in any other way either. Amber plays nice, even when Ben walks out on her, claiming he needs "some air."
Christina, of course, is right outside the hospital, still crying. She wants to know why her father has deserted her, while Ben stresses over Judy's accident. Suddenly, Christina's mood does a complete turnaround, as she whispers, "Do it, Daddy. Protect us." It's a fine dramatic moment as Ben's face undergoes an evil hardening of expression. It's almost ruined when Christina adopts an unfortunate facial expression that makes her look like a kewpie doll. The scene is saved, though, when Ben marches off purposely down the road. As he passes the nearest parked car, the trunk opens and a tire iron actually jumps into his hand. Cool!
After another round of the Burger King hellfire ad, Christina realizes that she may be going too far. She runs after Ben, shouting his name. Dr. Kramer is a little too busy being possessed right now to pay attention to you, okay, Christina? He finds Other Driver pounding shots at a bar by the lighthouse, and tries to pummel him with the tire iron, but Dr. Ben has really, really bad aim. Christina keeps crying and begging him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, the lighthouse intervenes by bathing this scene with its healing glow. No, really. I know that sounds too cheeseball even for a FOX show, but I swear that's what happens. At least it's somewhat redeemed by Christina's cool description of how Ben must be feeling: "free," with "no fear, no love." She adds, "It's called evil, and you have to give it back to me." Evidently, the lighthouse agrees, as it shuts off its magical beam. Ben emerges from the experience with no memory of it and must rely on Christina to lead him back to the hospital. As they pass Other Driver, Christina says, "Stay away from them." I have the weird feeling that's the last we'll see of Other Driver.
Back at the hospital, Judy is being released. Ben sits on the bed to her and hugs her, while Christina looks on sadly.
Chez Hargrove, Amber gazes at her reflection in the mirror and fingers a scarf while purring, "Why, thank you, Ben. I think it is my color." I sincerely hope Dina Meyer is having fun with this role. We need to see more fun scenes like this.
Father Dumb-ass drops by to give Christina a little pep talk. He starts off with the bad news first, confirming that she is indeed Satan's daughter. Also, he's supposed to set up a "protocol" to destroy her. However, on the plus side, he did feel a lot of God's love, much of which was emanating from her. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think the rest of it was probably coming from the lighthouse. He does convince her to stick around, insisting that the final battle between good and evil will be fought here, in Point Pleasant.
Christina pays a visit to Melrose Jake and issues the warning that she will not let him destroy the town and its people. Jake finds her seriousness "cute." I would never take that from anyone, not even someone as hot as Jake, but it still makes me laugh here. And Christina's reply is equally entertaining: "Cute? You won't think so when you really get to know me."
Christina, I would never think of patronizing you. You're one of the few people on this show I'm laughing with and not at.