After a quick recap of the pilot, Episode 2 begins with some totally awesome, over-the-top shots of fast-moving clouds and the stupid Biohazard symbol rendered in flames -- you know, the standard type of imagery that tells us we're about to watch something that's at least going to try to be scary. The best part? What looks like a human figure hanging from something in the midst of towering flames. It's even slightly spooky, until it segues into a shot of the Kramers' fireplace, and all I can think is that they should probably call a chimney sweep if they've got dead people hanging in their fireplace.
It's dinner time, and Meg is fondly reminiscing about how Judy used to eat "only orange things." Maybe Marti thinks that by obliquely referencing someone creepy like Billy Bob Thornton, her show will take on an added sinister coolness. Um, Marti? No. Sorry. Judy rolls her eyes and says, "Don't you love when your mom just talks about you like that?" Then she freezes because she remembers that Christina doesn't have a mom. This reminds Dr. Ben that he still wants to speak to Christina's father but hasn't heard from him. Christina puts on a brave World's Saddest Daughter smile as she says, "Yeah, I called him a few times too. Guess he's really busy." Of course, she's lying through her teeth, since she doesn't want her father to know where she is. But then, what do you expect? She's Satan's daughter, right?
Hey, where did that dog come from? Suddenly there's a dog named Duke in the kitchen, even though we've never seen him before and Christina's already been here for at least two days. Duke is making Christina nervous as he keeps growling at her. Or maybe she's so jumpy because the parents are threatening to make her participate in some sort of dorky boat parade that's supposed to celebrate Heritage Week. Given a choice between a growling dog and a small-town parade, I'd probably take my chances with the dog. But that's just me. Oh, come on. I'm not being overly cynical. Meg says she's psyched to win first prize in the boat parade contest, but even she can't be arsed to put any enthusiasm into it. And she's an actress. She wants Judy to play the Sea Maiden, whatever that is, but Judy is less than thrilled with the prospect. When he sees that growling isn't getting him anywhere, Duke starts barking. Dr. Ben puts him outside, as Meg says, "[Duke is] usually so good with people." Way to make Christina self-conscious. Do you think that's really a good idea, Meg? To add injury to insult, Meg tells Christina she's expected to attend the town clambake. Jesus. And Christina still wants to stay with this family?
Obviously the devil and his friends have really good design sense, as evidenced by the swankiness of what I assume is Christina's home. Right now Melrose Jake is trying to reassure Christina's surrogate father that the beach is the place for her. He insists that she will learn to embrace her power, "especially after she spends some time in Point Pleasant." When FauxDaddy expresses his disbelief, Jake says, "Do you know how many ancient signs and texts name that sleepy town as the home of the greatest coming of evil since the angels fell from heaven?" Um, zero? Yeah, that's what I thought. ["There's a Camden joke here, but why bother, really." -- Sars] But Melrose Jake is trying so hard to work with this dreadful dialogue that I have to admire him. And I'll play along, even when he says he grandly promises to "unleash [Christina] on the rest of the world." FauxDaddy wonders what will happen if Christina finds her mother and "faith." Melrose Jake announces that he will go down to Point Pleasant and keep an eye on Devil Daughter so that doesn't happen.
Judy is trying to sell Christina on the Heritage Week festivities, even as she gently makes fun of them. She takes off and leaves Christina to stow a picnic basket full of sandwiches in the trunk of the car. When Christina turns around, there's Duke again, and he's barking up a storm. Christina shouts at him, and we see some satanic slash marks mysteriously appear on his side. Whoa, Christina, chill a little. Maybe he just wanted a sandwich. She turns around as Melrose Jake says, "It's always the quiet towns -- it's where the gruesome things happen." That is true, Jake, although, in all fairness, I must point out that's generally only the case in hackneyed horror movie rip-offs like this one.
Down by the water, the Heritage Week festivities are just getting underway. Can you practically taste the excitement? Oh, yeah, me too. Amber drops by the Kramers' picnic table to find out what their boat decorating theme will be. When Dr. Ben tells her it's a secret, Amber replies, "Well, you haven't been too good at keeping secrets lately. I'll make you talk." As Amber sidles off, Meg asks Ben what she meant by that comment. We know that Amber's referring to all the flirty chat from her last doctor's visit. I can understand why Ben doesn't want to share that with his wife, but I have to inform him that just sputtering and shaking his head and refusing to look at his wife is not going to make her any less suspicious about things.
Judy must take after her dad in the secret-keeping department. Despite the fact that, last episode, she claimed to hate the gossipy nature of small towns, she is now avidly filling in Christina on all the town's scandals. Too bad the story about the cape-wearing weirdo who had an internet fling with the gym teacher is way more interesting than any of the show's "real" stories. Speaking of which, here comes boring Jesse, Christina's love interest. He sure knows how to dull down a room, and he mostly just stares at Christina vacuously. Jesse's girlfriend, Paula, watches the staring from afar, while Jesse's best friend, Ribcage, watches Paula. It's all very convoluted but not actually very interesting, so we'll just move on.
Ah, good. It's Amber. At least she's entertaining. Sort of. Hey, don't knock that. It's the scenes with Amber and Melrose Jake that are keeping me sane throughout all the tedious teen relationship crap. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in my thirties. Amber is up on all the latest man-related gossip as she tells Meg and Jesse's mom about the rich guy who just moved into the Anderson mansion. She suggests a field trip, all Witches of Eastwick-style, to check him out. Jesse's mom agrees, but Meg has to go visit her dead daughter's memorial. Okay, like, she can't do that some other time? I don't think Dead Isabelle is exactly keeping track of the days of the week anymore, you know? Jesse's mom says it's nice to see Meg "out and looking so well."
Ribcage is talking to Paula, who is worried that Christina is going to steal her precious boyfriend. When Ribcage attempts to reassure her that Jesse wouldn't cheat on her, Paula tries to make him feel bad about sleeping with her. I think it's kind of funny that Ribcage throws the responsibility right back on her. It's even funnier when he claims that neither he nor Paula are good enough for Jesse -- like Jesse's really cool and not just some boring dude who has trouble making conversation. Ribcage tries to kiss Paula, but she pulls away, saying, "Jesse takes care of me. What have you done for me lately?" Way to turn sex into a transaction, dear.
Oh, look -- it's an aerial view of Point Pleasant, and it looks nothing like any part of the Jersey shore that I recall. I wonder if this is supposed to be what the devil sees as he flies over the town. You know, like on his broomstick, or whatever. It's SatanCam!
Christina is back at her mother's church in Ocean Grove, watching some workmen repairing the stained glass window that the CGI mystery bugs flew to kill Harland last time. Man, that flashback doesn't even do justice to how poorly done those insects were. Christina's reverie is interrupted by a young priest who informs her that the window was two hundred years old. Christina has the grace to look a little guilty. She asks if anyone was hurt when it broke. That's a pretty weird question when you stop to think about it. I mean, when was the least time you saw statistics on how many people are killed in stained glass window accidents each year? The priest is totally unaware of Harland's death, which makes me wonder how his body disappeared. Christina's certainly not going to mention him. She jumps right to the topic of her grandfather, who used to be the groundskeeper. Young Priest says he will look through some church records for her.
Inside the church office, he tells her that Groundskeeper Willie, or whatever his real name is, was with the church for twenty-three years and that his daughter's name was Anne. Then he gets silent and weird as he's reading another piece of paper. Christina tries to draw more information from him, but all he will tell her is that her grandparents moved in 1987, which turns out to be the year Christina was born. Even though the priest is lying exceptionally poorly, Christina believes him. Jeez, even for someone relatively young, she seems shockingly gullible. This impression is strengthened when she asks the priest if he believes it's possible for someone to be cursed. He looks nervously down at the papers he's holding and doesn't even try to answer. How reassuring.
Amber and Sarah, Jesse's mom, have made good on their promise to visit Melrose Jake in his new abode. The house is filled with construction workers who are quietly shifting plywood pieces around in an effort to look busy but not create any audible background noise that would get in the way of the stupid dialogue. Amber is being extremely friendly, but it is Sarah that Jake wants to talk to once he learns that she works in the church. He suggests a tour and offers her his arm while Amber looks totally put out.
Back in the church, Christina tentatively speaks about the telekinetic abilities she thinks she has. The priest cuts her off to reassure that it's all just a coincidence. He also pretends not to understand what the Biohazard symbol is when she draws it out for him. He couldn't be less convincing, but Christina still continues to trust him with her confessions, telling him that sometimes she likes it when these bad things happen to people because of her. Obviously not one to take his priestly duties very seriously, this guy just fobs her off on God. Nice work passing the buck there.
Meg is putting flowers on her daughter's grave when she notices a dead crow a few feet away. She starts looking around and realizes she's surrounded by dead crows that definitely weren't there when she arrived. Hmm, maybe Christina just doesn't like birds. Or Meg needs to switch to a stronger deodorant.
Right before the commercial break, the young priest walks into some old priest's office and solemnly intones, "It's starting." The old priest just looks annoyed to be interrupted while he's trying to solve the Daily Jumble.
He doesn't have a whole lot of use for the younger man's apocalyptic theories either, even though they were all made up by the founder of the congregation, Father Jeffrey. What a prankster! He used to concoct interesting stories about a young girl coming to Point Pleasant and bringing on The End of Days. And the whole congregation would laugh and laugh whenever he put that whoopee cushion on the organist's bench. The old priest is evidently not a fan, though, and he tries to discourage the younger man, Father Tomas, from believing in the prophecies, especially since none of them were ever backed up by the Bible. Father Tomas -- which almost rhymes with Father Dumb-ass -- insists that this is all "evidence," not "superstition." I guess we should be grateful he went into the ministry and not law.
At the Kramer house, Meg is mesmerized again by that same old picture of Dead Isabelle we keep seeing every five minutes. Dr. Ben interrupts the reverie to praise her for trying so hard to be normal. Oops, maybe this isn't the best time to tell him about all those dead crows!
Over at Jesse's house, Sarah is doing some laundry when Logan sneaks up on her and starts asking questions about the field trip she took with Amber to see Melrose Jake. We learn that she committed some sort of infidelity years ago, but I don't know if that really excuses all the nasty attitude Logan is throwing her way. If my husband told me he "likes to keep tabs" on me, I don't think I'd be taking it very well. Logan's sad attempt to pretend that he's just being protective and thoughtful convince neither me nor Sarah.
Down at the docks, Christina walks past Amber and Paula's boat and looks up to see Ribcage, Paula, and Jesse all watching her. Guess which one of the three doesn't stare at her nastily. Still, she looks almost disappointed to be joining those nice Kramers on their boat. Come on, Christina. Where's your Heritage Week spirit?
Meg is really getting into the festivities. She sneaks up on Dr. Ben and suggests that they make a date for sex. The exciting, spontaneous event will take place tomorrow evening. Mark your calendars, y'all.
Judy encounters her parents kissing and is so happy about it that she volunteers to do that Sea Maiden thing that's so important to her mom, as long as she gets to be a "fully-clothed goth sea chick." Yeah, I am so buying you as a goth, Judy. Meg, obviously feeling less stressed from just the very thought of sex, let alone actually doing it, relents and tells Judy she doesn't have to bother. Instead she nominates Christina, who looks slightly alarmed at the prospect of growing ever closer to taking the place of Dead Isabelle in Meg's mind. Judy looks a little hurt by this. Hey, I would be too.
Amber is back for another kick at the Melrose Jake bucket. Dammit! She's already been turned down once this week. What does a girl have to do to get laid in this town? She pretends that she came by to invite Jake to her annual Heritage Week party, the one that "gets pretty wild." Jake sarcastically says, "Not skinny-dipping," to which Amber replies, "Stranger things." Okay, I've been lied to before by these characters when they tried to pass off that stupid bonfire as something "pagan," so you'll have to excuse me if I'm skeptical. Jake earns my lifelong devotion when he asks Amber if she was planning on them having sex "now or later." She tries to play it off with a seductive little laugh, but Jake's not done. First he calls her old, and then he goes on to describe her as "fading prom queen," and tells her that she's boring and predictable. I can't say I'd recommend that as a good pick-up line, but I bet that, ultimately, it will work on Amber. That makes me kind of sad.
Oh, it's another scene with Jesse and Christina. That makes me kind of bored. He wants to know how it went at the church. Christina wants to know how he found out about her going to the church. Jesse explains that Judy's nickname is The Mouth. Yeah, that Judy sounds more and more like a rebel every second. Christina has finally figured out that Father Dumb-ass was hiding something from her. Jesse mentions that his mother works at the church. Christina smiles up at him coyly.
Paula has chosen a costume for Jesse to wear on the boat, in keeping with their pirate theme. She mentions that she's glad her mother won't make them wear their costumes to her "wild" party. This gives Jesse the opening he needs to tell Paula he might not make it to the party since he has to help his mother by bringing boxes to the church. Right, and that would take all night. Besides, it's an outright lie. And we always thought of Jesse as this sort of pure and innocent and slightly boring guy. Well, now we know that two of those descriptors are no longer valid.
Over in Ocean Grove, Jesse and Christina sneak into Father Dumb-ass's office and start going through his stuff. Christina reads something from a folder and turns away in shock. It takes dull Jesse forever and a day to read the same thing, but finally they piece together that not only was Christina's mother, Anne, pregnant; she was also a virgin. The entire family left town the year Christina was born. Before she can piece things together for Jesse, they hear approaching footsteps. That's what the closed captioning says, anyway. In our household, we were still laughing much too hard to hear anyone's footsteps.
Hey there, Father Dumb-ass. What are you doing down at the office so late? I'll bet you're here to read up some more on Christina and her immaculate conception. Am I right? I thought so. In order to buy them some escape time, Christina uses her powers to distract Father Dumb-ass by making all the other doors in the church slam shut. No, I'm not sure why all the other doors in the church were open when this one was locked, but I don't suggest you waste much thought on it. God knows, I'm not. When Father Dumb-ass enters the office he sees that someone has gone through his stuff. I'm guessing he suspects Christina.
Jesse and Christina are driving back to Point Pleasant while trying to process the information they just acquired. Jesse suggests that Christina's mother faked being a virgin. Christina doesn't call him stupid but you can tell she wants to. Oh, wait -- that's me who wants to do that.
At Amber's party, someone just did a cannonball into the pool. Woo-hoo! You can't tell me nobody's having fun at a party this wild! Well, actually, Amber and Paula aren't. When Amber asks her daughter where Jesse is, Paula bitchily replies, "I don't know, Mom. Where's your date?"
Jesse's having a little trouble doing two things at once, so he pulls over the car in order to try to understand what Christina is going through. She makes a token effort to connect with him on an intellectual level by telling him that she thinks there is something "really wrong" with her, but ultimately it's just easier to make out with him. It's all fun and games until Jesse says, "It's crazy. God, what are you doing to me?" Christina panics as she realizes that she might be somehow influencing Jesse to be attracted to her. Or maybe she's worried that if she gets close to him, he'll get hurt. Personally, I don't care enough to think it through. In any case, she stops kissing Jesse and gets out of the car, running off into the night.
The closed captioning tells me that the old priest's name is Father David. Well, that's nice, but I'm not going to get too attached to the guy. I suggest you don't either. He and Father Dumb-ass are in the church office, where they discuss searching for the missing writings of Father Jeffrey, the moron who originated the whole Point Pleasant, Home of Evil slogan. Hey, that would look pretty good on the beach sign, wouldn’t it? Isn't Amber part of the Chamber of Commerce? Maybe they should run that by her as the new town motto.
Christina is walking along a dark road while a car tails her. It's not Jesse driving that car either, thank God; it's Melrose Jake, so at least we're in for some interesting conversation. Finally. Jake stops his car and gets out to follow Christina on foot while filling her head with devil stuff. He starts by telling her that if she really thinks about it, she will figure herself out, and that it's okay for her to like hurting people. He doesn't have a very favorable opinion of humans in general, stating, "We all crane our necks to see the bloody car wreck and then put down that disappointment when nobody's dead." I wonder what his thoughts are on this show -- although, technically, I suppose you'd probably call this more of a train wreck than a car wreck. As Jake keeps talking, he smokes a cigarette to show that he's truly evil. Christina gets angrier and angrier until she makes his headlights explode. No, that's not code for anything. The headlights on his car just…explode. Hey, she's got to work with whatever she's got handy. As Christina takes off, we hear all these dogs barking and howling in the difference. What a tacky way to end an otherwise good scene.
Ooh, more SatanCam! How lovely. Personally, I find the beach so much more attractive than the cast.
It's daytime, and Father David is creeping into some long-deserted part of the church where dust coats everything and there are cobwebs all around. He bends down to gaze at what looks like an angel statue and then recoils in horror when it turns out to have horns and an evil gargoyle face. He notices that there is a stone loose on the floor, so he bends down to pull it up. Underneath he finds another stone, this one sporting the Biohazard symbol. He also finds an old leather-bound book wrapped in cloth. Hey, I'll bet that's Father Jeffrey's book of cocktail recipes and knock-knock jokes! If he digs a little deeper, maybe he'll find the famous whoopee cushion and some fake dog doo. Instead he starts reading a quote from the book. Lucky for us he went right to the most important part: "She will come, daughter of the Beast, and with her, unspeakable horror -- a reign of death without end." These words bring on a montage of various people dead in the streets while Christina walks among them. It's very artsy. And if you thought they'd lay off the Biohazard symbol for a change, well, you're wrong.
Father David rushes out of the church, clutching the cocktail recipe book in one hand and a cell phone in the other. He's in the midst of leaving a message on Dr. Ben's voicemail. He "doesn't want to sound alarmist" as he tells Doc Kramer that he's in danger. Nope, that's not alarmist at all. Hey, was I the only one who thought that evil statue would come to life and kill Father David before he could get to his SUV? Yeah, I didn't think so. As Father David starts driving, some wiseacre over in the sound effects department adds the sound of tires squealing, even though the car is still moving really slowly and there is no sign of skid marks. Someone has been waiting for the priest outside the church, remaining totally unobtrusive in his ginormous black Lincoln Continental. Yeah, if I were going on a stakeout, that car would be tops on my list. We can't see the driver, but when a cigarette gets tossed out the window, I'm guessing it's Melrose Jake.
Christina walks down the dock at night. That's kind of weird because we haven't even seen the stupid boat race yet, and that was scheduled for seven o'clock. So it's sometime in June before 7 PM, these people are in New Jersey, and it's dark out. Something's a little off here. Anyway, Christina is all dressed up as a Sea Maiden, which pretty much means she flung a woman-sized doily over herself and belted it with a shiny, shiny ribbon.
Oh, yuck -- here comes Jesse. He wants to meet with Christina in private later to "talk." Right, because that's something he's so very, very good at. When Christina says that she thinks they shouldn't see each other anymore, he pretends that was what he wanted to talk to her about, not that he wanted to make out with her some more. He wishes her luck with the stupid boat parade, and you can tell she's thinking, yeah, whatever, you dumb freak. Oops, actually, that was me thinking that.
Christina boards the Kramers' boat, and Meg puts a light-blue sash over her doily. It's disconcertingly shaped like a pageant sash, and I think it says "Sea Maiden" on it. That's good. Otherwise the judges might have mistaken their theme as "Giant Doily." Meg pets Christina's hair and tells her how pretty she is while Judy sits nearby and looks slightly hurt.
Paula is angry with her mother, who has not shown up yet, even though it's almost time for the launch. Her anger seems a little out of place, considering this is just a dumb boat parade after all, but since their mother-daughter dynamic doesn't exactly feel like the most happy or functional one around, it's possible there are other issues at play.
Dr. Ben announces that he cannot start the boat. The reason for this becomes clear to the audience when Ribcage holds up some sort of boat…part…in front of Paula and says, "Don't say I never do anything for you." Christina and Judy wonder if Paula's crew has anything to do with the Kramer boat not starting. I keep waiting for Christina to start the boat somehow magically, but since she was never that keen on being in the parade anyway, she doesn't expend the effort.
Doc Kramer's pager goes off, and he says he has to answer a 911 call at his office. That's kind of odd, but okay. It's fun to see Meg freak out because she and the good doctor had plans for a night of spontaneous sex. What do you mean, you forgot? Didn't you write it down in your calendar like I told you to?
And now comes the moment that you've all been waiting for: the boat parade! Just kidding. If you've found your way to this site and made it this far in my recap, I'd be very surprised if you gave a rat's ass about the stupid boat parade.
Doc Kramer's 911 emergency turns out to be Amber naked in his examining room. How the hell did she get in there anyway? Don't these people lock their doors? Doesn't he have drugs in his office? And how can I get some to ease my pain? Dr. Ben hands Amber her dress and tells her to put it on. She's probably looking for reassurance about her self-image more than sex, but Ben is too pissed off to offer her either. As she continues to whine, he relents and grudgingly attempts to make her feel better about herself. She keeps pushing for the sex, though, and he finally flings her from him so that she slams into a wall and falls down. "That's going to leave a mark," Amber says, and she fully intends to blackmail Dr. Ben with it. When he tries to talk her out of it by appealing to her better instincts, she shakes her head and gets in a pretty good line: "After tonight, it seems I can sink pretty low."
Boy, it sure took Father David a long time to make it here from two towns over, especially if he was driving tire-squealingly fast all the way. But he's here now, and he's ready to warn Ben. He has to find him first. This scene gets dragged out ridiculously as Father David keeps calling and calling out to Doc Kramer. He even goes below deck to look. Come on, Dave, it's not that big a boat. While he searches ineffectively for the doctor, we see the rope tethering the boat to the dock come loose. The boat moves away from the dock as some of the Christmas lights decorating the rails decide to swoop Father David up by his foot. I love it when shows use normally inanimate objects in stupid ways like this.
I can't say the crowd looks overly thrilled by the boat parade, and that just makes me snicker. Things pick up a little, though, when the Kramers' boat emerges from behind the dock and it's in flames. Christina even sees the priest hanging from the mast amidst the flames. She asks, "Did you see that?" but apparently she's the only one who did, since Judy answers, "Yeah, our boat on fire is kind of hard to miss." Christina starts to explain but then stops herself, perhaps thinking that she's the only one having this vision. As Judy moves away, Melrose Jake moves in closer and says, "Now, that's the most authentic piece of Point Pleasant history I've seen all day." I have no idea what that means, but Jake said it, so it's cool.
Christina moves closer to the water and sees a few sheets of paper floating by the shore. She picks up one that demonstrates the Biohazard symbol being broken down into its basic components. That would be three sixes. Christina stares up in horror as so many things become clear: Harland trying to strangle her, Jesse's car blowing up, the swarm of bad CGI bugs.
Now good luck trying to explain it all to Jesse.