Raindrops fall attractively on the surface of a big water tank outside L.A. that's masquerading as the Atlantic Ocean. We look up from below as a female body is thrown into the water and floats artsily for a while. This is followed by a short opening sequence where the onscreen letters spelling out "Point Pleasant" turn into animated crows and fly away. It's kind of cool. Golly, maybe this show will turn out to be really, really good!
An ugly wooden sign tells us we're at the Point Pleasant New Jersey State Beach. You'd think someone would make the sign a little prettier if the show is expecting to use it as an establishing shot many times in each episode. People might get sick of it after a while. Then again, I'm thinking that long-range planning might not be an absolutely necessity for this show, if you catch my drift. In any case, I'm just glad to see they don't let any ugly or un-buff people onto the beach.
A man so thin that his ribcage pokes out runs up to a girl lying on a towel. He's wearing his swim trunks so low that they are held up only by the grace of God. As we'll learn later, this is the male protagonist's dishonest best friend. What we won't learn for a good long time, if ever, is the guy's name, so I'm just going to take valeriel's suggestion and call him Ribcage. He shakes a bit of water on the girl, who says, "Quit it. You're getting me wet." She adds, "Oh, don't be gross," even though Ribcage hasn't really done anything but look away in a vaguely stupidly fashion. Oh, wow. So it's going to be that kind of show -- you know, gross and vaguely stupid. I mean, you can't help but worry when this is the very first piece of dialogue on the show. The girl tells Ribcage, "It's never gonna happen," then gets up and walks away, gazing back at him in a way that's supposed to be sassy, or maybe sleazy, but ultimately just ends up looking vaguely stupid.
The girl's name is Paula, and she is dating Jesse, whose name is a loosely disguised variation of "Jesus." Ouch, it's the first anvil! Watch where you throw those things, Marti! Jesse is a lifeguard who is Ribcage's best friend and looks remarkably like him, with the exception of any noticeably protruding bones. Did you see that? I can do unfunny sexual innuendo almost as well as the show can! God, I'm so proud. Jesse abandons his post to make out rather chastely with his girlfriend.
Two teens pull up to a gas station in a convertible. Having seen the first two episodes in their entirety already, I'm going to cheat a little and tell you that I don't recall encountering these people again, so I think it's safe to assume that they're just here to provide some clunky exposition that we might otherwise have to wait an episode or two for. You know, like how they might handle things on a good show. The girl points out that the gas station attendant is named Judy Kramer and insists that Judy never talks to anyone because she's got "attitude." The boy defends Judy and invites her to a party that will be taking place on the beach tomorrow night. His friend adds that the party will be "very pagan," which I doubt sincerely, unless by "pagan" she means "extras flirting and dancing seductively while pretending they're on a real show like The O.C." Judy declines the invitation politely. Yeah, what a fucking bad-ass she is. Just check out that attitude. Ultimately, the Tertiary Exposition Couple are so unimportant that Judy doesn't even bother putting gas in their car.
As the couple drives away fuel-less, a storm descends upon Point Pleasant with instant force. We see shots of various future important characters walking in the rain, and then Judy runs into the gas station just as the power goes out. For the slower viewers among us, she helpfully blurts out, "Blackout." Not only does she have that fabulous diva attitude; she's obviously a Mensa candidate as well.
Back at the beach, people are rushing frantically to their cars to escape the storm. Jesse, however, insists he sees "something" floating offshore, so he rushes into the water to retrieve it. That "something" turns out to be Christina, the infamous spawn of Satan. Oh, come on -- don't be mad because I told you that so soon. It's not like the show itself is going to hold back on spelling everything out as early as possible. It's almost like it realizes FOX will be canceling it soon. I know! Eerie, isn't it?
Jesse brings Christina back to shore and starts giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Or we could call it "the kiss of life" and then dissect the symbolism and foreshadowing, all Religious Studies 101 style. Whatever you choose to call it, it works astonishingly quickly to revive Christina, whom Jesse carries off while asking Ribcage to drive Paula home.
At the Kramer household, Doc Kramer is listening to the radio. He learns that due to the storm in Point Pleasant, power has been knocked out all along the coast. Wow, I had no idea Point Pleasant supplied all the power for the east coast. I almost feel like I'm watching something educational, like the National Geographic channel. Jesse brings an unconscious Christina into the house, claiming the roads were too bad for him to get her to the hospital. Dr. Ben asks Meg, his wife, to get his medical bag while he starts poking at Christina's eyelids. He sends Jesse back out into the night, telling him to bring his father, a request which makes more sense later when we learn that Jesse's dad is a police officer. You mean he's not a humble carpenter? Please tell me that at least his name is Joseph, or I'm going to suspect the writers just aren't trying very hard. As Jesse drives off into the storm, Marti bludgeons us with some more of that good old-time religious imagery as the camera settles in for a three-hour-long shot of the cross Jesse has hanging off his rearview mirror.
There is an establishing shot of the Kramer house -- which is kind of weird because that's where we just were anyway. I guess it's night now, though, and, through a cute little porthole-shaped window, we see Christina sleeping in a bed. Downstairs, Meg stares at a framed photo of a pretty dark-haired girl in a bikini. I'll save you some speculation right off the bat and tell you that this is Judy's sister who died in a surfing accident three years ago. The power is still out, which provides a handy excuse to keep the atmosphere spooky with the addition of about a gazillion candles.
Judy wanders by and furtively picks up Christina's knapsack, which -- surprise! -- looks like it's totally dry. That's some pretty awesome knapsack fabric there, but I'm guessing Satan won't settle for anything but the best. In fact, here at the Kramer household there are three elegant burgundy candles artfully arranged to his daughter's bed while she sleeps. I find it's the little touches that really make a room, don't you? As Judy rifles through Christina's stuff, the candles blow out one by one. My, how ominous. Judy picks up a pretty box that has what looks like religious-themed decoupage work on the cover. As she starts to open it, Christina's eyes suddenly open wide. At the same time, the power comes back on in the house. We cut to an exterior shot of the house and the coastline beyond it to see that the power is coming back on elsewhere as well. I think the implication here is that Christina's abilities are so astounding that she is capable of controlling the power grid. While it seems we're supposed to be awed and astonished by this fact, I can't help but snicker a little. Okay, a lot.
Ribcage and Paula pull up in front of her giant monster home. Boy, it sure has taken them a long time to get there. Maybe Ribcage really is incredibly stupid and just got lost a number of times. He mocks Paula for being mad at Jesse for rescuing a pretty girl. Paula mocks him back for being too big a wuss to go into the water to help with the rescue. I'd like Paula a lot more right now if I didn't already know that this is just a brief and uncharacteristic moment of excellent snarkiness on her part. She threatens to tell Jesse that his best friend keeps coming on to her, which causes the actor who plays Ribcage to really work at his craft as he does his damnedest to look worried. He almost pulls it off, too.
Hey, look -- Christina's out of bed! And she wants a cup of tea. Yeah, that's the first thing I'd ask for if I woke up in a strange house with people I'd never seen before in my life. I'd probably also ask for a comb, but Christina doesn't need one as her hair, obviously aided by some heavy-duty supernatural intervention, has retained its smoothness and style throughout her ordeal.
After an establishing shot of New York City, we see some old guy in a park, and he's talking to Grant Show from Melrose Place. Jake! Honey, I hope, for your sake, that you and Marcia Cross don't have any money riding on whose new show is going to last longer. Jake is playing Satan's right-hand man here, and the old guy is named Kingston. He raised Christina while her real dad was busy inspiring organizations like Focus on the Family and convincing people that leg warmers are a valid fashion choice. Kingston wants to shield Christina from the world a little longer, but Jake says she's ready to go out on her own and start influencing people's moods with her presence alone, which is, apparently, one of her special powers. It is in this scene where we are explicitly told about Christina's half-human, half-Satanic ancestry. Kingston insists that "that means she has a choice" regarding good and evil. So I guess that's the central premise of the show, then. Well, for the handful of episodes we'll actually see before it gets cancelled. By the way, I'll bet Satan was mad as hell when little Chrissy's mother named her.
Back in Point Pleasant, Jesse's father is interrogating Christina. Well, maybe "interrogating" is a strong word, since he's just trying to find out who she is and where her parents are, but Christina is awfully nervous discussing this. Meg takes pity on her and sends her off to bed.
A scene at Parker household reveals that Jesse's mother works as a church secretary and that his father is kind of a jerk who doesn't get along very well with him. Dad tries to keep Jesse from heading off to the Kramer household to check on Christina, but Jesse leaves anyway. The power of Christina compels him!
Now that the Satan Spawn is awake, Judy must hand over her possessions. She stares while Christina goes through them, though. Christina looks at a picture of a church that is labeled "St. Martin's, Ocean Grove, 1974." There is also an amber ball with some kind of insect embedded in it. She and Judy chat about how much their lives suck. Judy's is bad because everyone is in each other's business all the time in a small town -- oh, and because her sister died three years ago and her mom is a wackjob because of it. Christina's not specific about her own life's suckitude, but I can't imagine I'd be all that thrilled if my dad had horns and a tail. She doesn't know this consciously yet, but come on. She has to realize on some level.
Enter Jesse. He stares obsessively at Christina, and she stares right back. He claims he's just interested in the fact that she looks so good after almost dying in the ocean. She smiles modestly as Judy makes fun of Jesse and his staring problem.
Paula is sitting by the pool behind her giant monster home when Ribcage walks up with a six-pack. Of beer, that is. He asks why she invited him over, and she starts getting all abstract and weird about how the air feels "electric." They discuss how her mom likes the "bad boys," and Ribcage wonders if Paula feels the same way and that's why she asked him over. Instead of really answering that question, she strips and jumps into the pool. Ribcage sets a new land speed record stripping and jumping in after her. He asks her, "Why now? Why tonight?" She answers, "I'm in a mood," as they start making out.
Meg Kramer is standing at the door of what looks like someone's bedroom. Are you thinking it's her dead daughter's room? Yeah, me too. Dr. Ben interrupts her fun to tell her he'd feel better if Christina were back with her father. Meg disagrees, saying she feels "good" about her being there. Ugh, when she starts dyeing and styling Christina's hair to match her dead daughter's and makes her wear the dead chick's clothes, you're going to be sorry you didn't put your foot down, Dr. Ben!
Paula shows up in Jesse's bedroom wearing only a bra and panties. It's a good thing she calls him "Jess" and "hero" because he's in bed with the covers half over him and it's hard to get a good look at his ribs. That's the main way I differentiate between him and Ribcage. And I'm guessing I'm not the only one who needs that visual cue. Paula joins him in bed, and they start making out. Jesse is a little taken aback when she morphs into Christina, but let's just say he's not exactly devastated by the transformation. She thanks him for rescuing her and then asks him to do her a favour. He's more than happy to oblige. He probably didn't expect her to say, "I want you to kill me," though. Luckily it's all just a dream. Like nobody saw that coming.
The morning, Meg compliments Judy on her hair, which Christina convinced her to take out of pigtails and wear down for a change. Meg thinks Judy should wear her hair like that all the time. Like I'm sure that would feel so lovely in the heat and humidity of the Jersey shore. Meg also tries to encourage Judy to attend the beach party. Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but do you think the dead Kramer daughter was a popular, well-adjusted girl? I'm guessing she sure didn't have that diva attitude that Judy is always displaying every time she opens her mouth. You know? The attitude? The diva one? Oh, never mind.
Dr. Ben comes into the kitchen with his doctor's bag to examine Christina. Judy suggests that the girl stay with them for a while, in her dead sister's room. Meg looks a little uncomfortable with that, but I'm sure she'll come around. At least dead sister finally has a name: Isabelle. As Dr. Ben shines a light into Christina's eyes he notes that she has a "flaw" on one eyeball. She says her father claims it's a birthmark. Well, it's not like any birthmark Dr. Ben has ever seen before. Upstairs, Christina examines the mark in a magnifying mirror. It's supposed to be three overlapping sixes joined together at the round part, and it's supposed to symbolize pure evil, but when I look at it, all I really see is that if you took a copy of what's there and turned it over and laid it on top of the original, you'd have something that's almost a dead ringer for the universal Biohazard Symbol. Ooh, scary.
Christina phones home to talk to Harland, who is some faithful family servant she feels close to. When he answers the phone "Nickson residence," my eyes roll so far back in my head that I almost fall off my chair. These show creators aren't even going to try to be subtle, are they? And I'm probably not going to bother cataloguing every super-obvious reference for you. After all, unlike the show, I'm not trying to insult your intelligence. Christina doesn't want to talk to her father, and she doesn't even want Harland to let on that he's spoken to her because she feels she can't leave the Point Pleasant area until she finds her mother. Maybe her mom can explain Christina's aforementioned life suckitude, or at least give hints as to why the girl always feels like something is "missing." Harland looks frightened.
Despite her stated distaste for small-town gossip, Judy wastes no time getting all up in Christina's business. She grills her on her family life and finds out that Christina and her "father" argue a lot and that he wanted to send her away for the summer. Um, I hesitate to ask where, and Christina doesn't tell us. ["Seaside Heights?" -- dig Sars with the Jersey humor] She does, however, share her desire to find her mother and mentions the picture of the church in Ocean Grove. Judy excitedly mentions that Ocean Grove is only "two towns away." Wow, what are the odds? I'm so incredibly floored by the coincidence of Christina ending up in this town. Yep. Astounded -- that's me. Dr. Ben comes in and mentions that he's spoken to Harland, who gave Christina the go-ahead to stay in Point Pleasant for a few days.
Down on the boardwalk, Judy and Christina are hanging out when Jesse walks up to stare vacuously at Christina. She stares back at him coyly, and no one even notices when Judy takes off to give them some privacy. Or maybe she left because she's just as bored as I am. There is a very, very shallow attempt at philosophizing when Christina wonders aloud if "things happen for a reason." Jesse says he's heard that in church, but he doesn't believe it. He wishes he did, though. Perhaps he thinks he would get laid quicker that way. Finally he leaves, but not without inviting Christina to the big pagan beach party.
Dr. Ben is examining a patient: the fetching Dina Meyer, who will always be Lucinda from to me. Here she plays Amber, Paula's mother, who reveals that Paula's father took off on her and that, basically, Paula's been a bitch ever since. But never mind that. It's inappropriate flirtation time, as Dr. Ben examines her chest while spewing hackneyed dialogue like, "You always had all the boys in town willing to kill for you. I think Logan became a cop just so he could show you his gun." We learn that Dr. Ben has never schtupped Amber and that she wishes he would. But even though Ben hasn't gotten any since his daughter died, he's too noble to sleep with Amber now.
The kids start setting up for the big pagan beach party. They don't have to carry stuff very far since they're driving their cars right up onto the sand. Is there anywhere in North America where you're still allowed to do this? Ribcage tries to talk to Paula, but she viciously brushes him off, claiming she'd "never do anything to hurt Jesse." Why do I find that a little hard to swallow?
I doubt Jesse would care anyway, given how smitten he is with Christina these days. She bops up to him so they can stare at each other some more. That's always so exciting for other people to watch. Christina reaches out to touch the scar on Jesse's neck, and he tells her he got it from being crucified in Golgotha that time. Just kidding. He says he fell on "something" in a crazy old man's junkyard and that he died but was brought back to life again by the crazy guy. Okay, I'll give this story points for originality. It reminds me of the old advice that if you're going to lie about something, make the story so outrageous that no one will even think to question it. What does that have to do with the show? Nothing, really, but didn't your mind wander while you were watching this scene?
Paula comes up and hangs all over Jesse for Christina's benefit. She asks if Christina wants "to hook up." Christina asks, "With Jesse?" True, it's a pretty stupid question, but that still doesn't excuse Paula and her friends laughing idiotically at it. When Paula suggests someone named Terry that they can set Christina up with, we see the bonfire behind them flare up suddenly for no apparent reason. Christina runs off while Paula smirks at her. An aerial view of the bonfire reveals flames twirling around in that stupid Biohazard shape. Yeah, we get it, okay? Evil. Ooh.
After a commercial break gives us time to recover from the overwhelming shock of seeing that Biohazard symbol again, we are still at the bonfire. Jesse says the party is "getting weird," but I have no idea what he means by that. It looks like a completely standard, run-of-the-mill beach party, nothing special at all. Ribcage notes that Jesse was chatting up Christina -- you know, the one he "pulled from the drink." Now, honestly, what person under the age of eighteen talks like that? Hell, what person under the age of eighty talks like that? I expect him to start using phrases like "It's the cat's pajamas" and "twenty-three skidoo!" while jitterbugging up a storm. When Ribcage suggests that Jesse pursue Christina and ditch Paula, Jesse starts asking questions which suggest that Paula has made good on her threat to tell him that Ribcage has been hitting on her. Somehow I suspect she didn't share the part where she invited Ribcage over and seduced him, but maybe I'm just being overly cynical. When Ribcage calls Paula "trash," Jesse defends her honor -- what little of it there is -- and a poorly choreographed fistfight ensues.
Christina has made it back to the Kramers' place okay. It's really not that much of an accomplishment, though, when you consider that the beach party is taking place right in front of the house. No, literally fifty yards away. It would have been totally hilarious if no one had thought to invite either Judy or Christina to this shebang and they'd had to stare mournfully out the porthole window at all the merriment. Hell, that's what Christina's doing now anyway.
Jesse and Paula pull up to the gas station in his Jeep Cherokee with the cross hanging from the rearview mirror and one of those Jesus fishes on the back of the car. Paula thanks him for defending her. Hey, how did she know what Ribcage said about her? Did Jesse tell her, "Well, honey, everyone says you're trash, but I still love you anyway." Because if so? That is too sweet! As Jesse and Paula make out enthusiastically, nobody notices that gasoline has spilled all over the lot and is seeping dangerously close to where a mechanic is working on a car with a blowtorch.
The scene cuts back and forth between Christina with her hand on the glass of the porthole window as she stares intently at the bonfire, and Jesse getting out to investigate the gasoline smell he's noticed -- the one which he finds to be so unusual at the, um, gas station. Finally he sees the sparks from the blowtorch about to ignite the gasoline, and he yells at Paula to get out of the car. She tries to obey, but her seatbelt is stuck. I'm taking the charitable position that Christina is somehow manipulating all of this, rather than the alternative -- that Paula is too stupid to operate a seatbelt. Jesse does manage to free her from the car mere seconds before it blows up. I love a good TV explosion, and this one doesn't disappoint, although it would have been nice if it had killed Paula. To be honest, I can't say I have much use for Jesse either. But the explosion itself was pretty. Back at the porthole, Christina pulls her hand off the glass as if it's hot.
Downstairs in the Kramer kitchen, Meg tells her husband she has decided to stop taking her medication. Dr. Ben argues that she shouldn't because it makes her function, but he's pretty half-assed about it. Maybe the medication is what's been killing her sex drive and Ben now sees some action looming on the horizon. This discussion is interrupted by the phone, which Ben answers. While I can understand that a director doesn't want to waste a lot of camera time showing us the onscreen character listening to someone talking off-camera, this convo has to be the shortest I've ever seen. There's barely time for the caller to shout out, "Gas station go BOOM! Paula, Jesse okay. Car on fire," before being hung up on by Doc Kramer. Christina enters the kitchen nervously, having heard enough to upset her. She asks what happened, and Dr. Ben replies, "Gas station go BOOM! Paula, Jesse okay. Car on fire." Of course, I may have paraphrased a tad there.
Christina grabs a bicycle from the porch and heads off to Ocean Grove to check out her mother's church. On the way, she passes Jesse's mom, who stares after her all disturbed. What's the deal? It's just a blonde girl on a bike. Oh, please, please don't tell me that this is Christina's mom who can somehow recognize her now despite not having seen her for almost twenty years. Bad dialogue, overly obvious religious symbolism, and bad plotting I can almost handle, but I have to draw the line at Christina hooking up with her half-brother.
Christina enters the church cautiously. I wait for something scary to happen, but all we see is a bee swimming in the font of holy water. I'm disappointed to see that the huge stained glass window behind the altar was not specially made to match the one they have as desktop wallpaper over at the official FOX site. That one shows Christina with a demon and the stupid Biohazard symbol and is one of the tackiest things I've ever seen; this one is all tasteful and pretty. Christina stares at it for a while and then walks up toward the side of the altar. She stands at a railing and looks down to see that someone has scratched the Biohazard symbol into the wood. As she traces it with her finger, we see Harland watching her in the background.
Harland explains that when he knew Christina was looking for her mother, he figured she would find her way to this church. He tells her that her mother grew up around the church because Christina's grandfather was the groundskeeper. Then he tries to strangle her but is distracted by some flies. At least I think they're flies. Quite frankly, they don't look like any bugs I know. It's too bad Amber isn't around to identify them. After all, she did fight those giant alien bugs in Starship Troopers. As Harland loosens his grip on Christina's neck, she manages to escape. He tries to catch her, but Christina gets away, on account of the fact that Harland runs and falls like a girl. Unfortunately, there's no more running in Harland's future, as the stained glass window explodes with the kind of force that only a swarm of badly rendered CGI mystery insects can exert. You know, I wasn't expecting Harland to die in the shape of a cross, although, to be fair, I really should have seen that coming. I suspect laughter is not the effect the writers were aiming for, but we can't always get exactly what we want, now, can we?
At the Kramer household, Meg has cleared out at least part of Isabelle's room for Christina to stay in. The girl tries to act all noble and say that she has to move on, but they manage to talk her into staying -- and without a whole lot of effort, I might add.
As various buff teens gaze longingly at each other on the beach, we flash back to the conversation between Melrose Jake and Christina's surrogate father. This time we hear the rest of it, including Jake arguing that Christina should be allowed to experience the world on her own now. He says, "Let the world have its way with her. Once it does, I guarantee you, she will bring it to its knees." You know, I never cared for him on Melrose, but here he's doing a decent job, or at least as good a job as anyone can do with smarmy dialogue like that.
The episode closes on a shot of Christina in the water again. This time she's not passed out, and she doesn't look so innocent anymore. All I can say is she better go ahead and get evil pretty soon. Unless the writing and acting improve, and quick, I'll be surprised if FOX lets this train wreck see May sweeps.