Previously: After a harrowing challenge in which Kara DioGuardi and her matte-lipsticked, pitchfork-bearing demons burst out of mirrors and other reflective surfaces at random, to pinch and poke and harry, Nick finally went back to whatever chimney sweep dungeon he came from. This after removing his more promising compatriots from the contest through force of sheer charm. Sonyae, Scotty and Jes proceed now to the final challenge, in which -- we're told -- they must write "the song of their lives."
Scotty's song will be called: "Vogue." Don't just stand there, he'll say. Let's get to it. And instead of namechecking famous pretty people, it will be various martyrs to the gay cause, such as Harvey Milk and Michelle Bachman.
Sonyae's song will be called: "Sine Your Pitty On Tha Runny Kine," and contain lots of advanced words and concepts for which we mortals don't yet have the mental scaffolding.
Jes's song: Won't actually be a song, just a bird making bird noises, harp for a bit, then sobbing. Forever.
STRUCTURE & CAVEATS OF FINALE CHALLENGE
In this week's finale challenge, each contestant will be presented with one (1) unicorn of less than a year's ago, and a sum of money that is just enough to get them in trouble. Contestants will not be told that this money is a loan and only the financial performance of their work, which is largely out of their hands, will ever repay this loan. Contestants will not be apprised of the fact that they will never make any more money than this negative amount.
The challenge itself is an obstacle course which begins with a gauntlet of sexist men in suits with their hands out. Each suit will take a chunk out of the unicorn, which Contestant may carry in any fashion -- over the shoulders like a deerslayer, or in the arms like an infant -- and the blood from which will make things sticky and hard to control.
The second portion of the gauntlet involves secondary merchandising deals which will only be arranged at the behest of the first Label that comes knocking, and which depend entirely on the corporate sponsors with whom the Label has relationships. These relationships can change at any time, voiding contracts and providing Contestant with even less imaginary money; these decisions will be made entirely in backroom meetings and orgies attended entirely by old rich white men and ex-convicts, ex-drug dealers, and those who once sold and abused women's bodies for money.
In the final portion of the challenge, Contestant will watch with eyes wide open as bribes of unicorn flesh are given on their behalf to radio programming directors and even more corporate sponsors. If at any time Contestant flinches or speaks up about these corrupt practices, they will be relegated first to mid-level representation and eventual dismantling of their unicorn. If at any time Contestant complains about their work being shelved as blank-eyed, managers and salesmen move on to a more productive, meaty unicorn, they will be relegated to mid-level representation and eventual dismantling of their unicorn. If any at time Contestant attempts to take their unicorn out of this game and find a better way of working and marketing their songwriting, dark forces will converge on them at the behest of the market.
In an obsolete marketplace whose corruption continues to grow in response to failing profit models, having made back the leveraged original sum of money they were given and -- having landed back at zero -- stunned to find that there is no more money coming, they will be forced to watch as their unicorn finally dies in the music section of a nearby Walmart.
Within six months, the bones of the unicorn will be used as found objects in the creation of brain-dead collisions of noise and repetitive jargon by the Black Eyed Peas. We will all pretend the unicorn is alive. We will not know the difference. At this time, Contestant will return to the beginning of the gauntlet and begin again with a fresh unicorn.
THE THROWING OF THE GAUNTLET
Sonyae, Scotty, Jes: "I like writing songs! Let's write some songs!"
Jewel: "Over the ten episodes of this show, Sonyae has risen to the challenge and won everything effortlessly, Scotty has combined three or four clever tricks with seriously deranged lyricism, and Jes has flown under the radar impressively. Let's see what happens !"
In the Morning: Everybody is adorable.
Jes: "I've been waiting for an opportunity for a long time. I assume if this doesn't go my way, I can continue to wait around for other opportunities to land in my lap. This is what it is to be an artist."
Jewel & Kara: "We need champagne to deal with you guys. Let's all drink first thing in the morning. Who do you think should win?"
Sonyae: "Anybody but Jes."
Jewel: "More champagne?"
Jes: "I am better than these other two. Don't tell anybody, it's a secret."
Jewel: "The final challenge on this songwriting show is to write a song."
Contestants: "That is genius."
Jewel: "You'll be working with some producer who you guys know."
Contestants: "That is a very exciting person!"
Sonyae, sic of course: "I'm ready to show out."
THE WRITING OF THE SONGS
Scotty & Sonyae: "Bitch!"
Sonyae: "What song should I write? I need a beat or a track or something because I don't play instruments. I guess I'm going to have to learn to make music at some point."
Jes: "I am going to write about my ex-boyfriend. The one before Johnny. Let me tell you more! Why are you walking away? Is it because I'm hysterically crying?"
Scotty: "Restrictions are the secret key to creativity. Everybody knows that. This challenge is working against that fact."
Sonyae: "I am going to write about God. Scotty, does that sound insane to you?"
Scotty: "Everything you say sounds insane, Sonyae. Plus, religion hates me. And Voguing."
God: "Please, dudes. Leave me out of this like one time."
Sonyae: "What about a song about flux capacitors?"
Scotty: "That sounds less offensive. To me personally, because I am neurotic about religion and I don't think songs should be about religion."
Sonyae: "Scott has fucked my brain up."
God: "Thanks, Scotty."
Scotty: "I guess now I am going to write about religion."
God: "Aw, man."
KIDDING AROUND
That cute chubby guy Kidd from a few weeks ago does like Kara from last week, popping up at random and scaring them.
Kidd: "Jes, instead of singing songs about your clichéd emotional bullshit that are only interesting to you, why don't you try writing a song that other people would like?"
Jes: "That's weird but I guess I can try it!"
(She immediately rewrites this conversation to him telling her to write about her own clichéd emotional bullshit, because of course other people will find it interesting. Just like he just told her.)
Kidd: "Play your song for me!"
Sonyae: "I don't have a song. I can't play any instruments!"
Kidd: "Okay, let's just talk about your crazy talk."
Sonyae: "Done."
Kidd: "Go back to the religion thing?"
Sonyae: "It's about mindblowing codependence, like all of my songs."
Kidd: "Okay, now it just needs a melody."
Sonyae: "This should be interesting."
Scotty & Kidd: (Make gay love.)
Kidd: "Songs can always be better, though."
Scotty: "How disheartening."
Jes & Sonyae: "The basics have deserted me!"
WHO'S SHOOTING WITH JR?
The producer they were talking about before, JR Rotem, lives in a magical cave that is a museum of guitars and things with buttons. He wears a shiny shirt so that his wizard magic doesn't freak your mind, because it is refracted by the shirt. He looks kind of like a drug dealer, but more than that he looks like a nerd who got surprise hot and now dresses on purpose like a drug dealer. If you could taste his mind it would taste like a Pop-Tart, that's how shiny and sparkled and deliciously processed it is. If he married Ryan Seacrest and they had a baby, it would be so perfectly accessible and charming, such a beautifully engineered pop product, that it could fight Taylor Swift in a secret Pokémon arena. And win.
Scotty: "It's pretty much a love song to myself. I was inspired by how I only write songs about myself. Also Bruno Mars."
JR: "I'm familiar with the music industry, so this doesn't even faze me."
(Scotty explains basic music stuff to us that he should be explaining to Sonyae.)
JR effortlessly rearranges Scotty's song and it sounds amazing. It's awesome because this part goes on for a really long time. I wish this was the whole show, this part of the process.
JR does the same thing with Jes, and she is her usual dream-collaborator self, and the song sounds amazinger and amazinger because JR Rotem is magical. Jes has depersonalized herself out of this process even more quickly than usual; she's pretty sure she's going to win.
JR watches Sonyae sing her tuneless words and somehow pulls the chords directly out of her brain. Sonyae's not entirely sure they're on the same page, but he quells her quibbles by offering lots of different options every time she gets worried. It just gets more awesome and prettier. I would like a show about this man instead of any other show. How beautiful this part of this episode is!
Sonyae: "It is the dopest shit ever that JR can do this thing where he reaches into brains. Even a normal brain that would be hard, but then you think about the roiling chaos inside my mind and it's like Dude is a sorcerer."
Jes: "I am still waiting for celebrity to just happen to me so that I don't have to work like everybody else."
Scotty: "This song about how amazing I am is good because it's about everything I love. Myself, talking about myself, and Voguing."
Sonyae: "[Some delirious combination of both.]"
PERFORMANCES
At the finale judging is everybody! Johnny looks so beautiful! Brian is wearing a sexy man sweater! Jackie! Look, it's Jackie! It's so nice to see everybody. Melissa is there, and she seems to be totally under control. Also, all the parents are there. Most incredibly is Scotty's Dad, sitting to his boyfriend in the audience. Scotty has a good relationship with his future that makes me feel good about my future.
Kara is there, and Leona Lewis in her usual attire. Keith Naftaly. I doubt much that after tonight I will ever have occasion to look at or think about Keith Naftaly, which is a shame because he brightens up my week more than anything has all summer. What a delight he is.
"Come Alive" is the song. There's a pre-chorus that puts you to sleep and makes Keith make funny faces, and then the chorus comes in with a lot of lights and kind of desperation. Jackie adorably cheers her on, and some people are important in the audience but probably I forgot who they are already. Johnny and Leona make the same face that says basically, "I am thinking about you a little bit but mostly I'm still thinking about me." The song never does what it says in the title, but considering it's Jes's first song it's pretty exciting anyway; her dad cries, which is amazing.
Scotty: "Jes may have proved why she's here, possibly. Time to kill the other bitches."
"Beautiful You," which combines all of Scotty's features, between the joy of watching him perform and play the piano and be adorable and on the other hand hearing him sing a song that sounds like a Scotty song produced by RJ Whatever. It's kind of amazing how it sounds just like Jes's song, but way better. I wonder if Sonyae's will follow suit.
Sonyae's song "My Religion" is pretty awesome from the jump, I don't know if you were expecting that having seen the whole show where she's always the best one, but that's what happens. Even Kara forgets to hate her for being a woman, and Scotty gets hives almost immediately. RJ is proud of himself, as he should be, and Sonyae is as usual hypnotic to watch and hear.
Jes: "I consider the commerciality of my song to be of supreme importance. It's shallower, which I told would be a good thing. Of course, I am operating at a disadvantage of being less shallow and more self-conscious to begin with, whereas Sonyae is more like a tuning fork or satellite dish that consumes culture and spits it out in new and timely forms. However, the leap of faith that caused me to consider other people's input as more important than my own voice felt a lot like hard work."
This show stresses me the hell out. I didn't even notice it until just now.
UNICORN SAUSAGE
The Bravo reality paradigm is, at its best, about watching how the sausage gets made. Talented people working with experts to create beautiful things. But sometimes that's depressing, because sausage mostly looks the same at the end of the sausage-making process. Especially with music, though, because I don't know if you've turned on the radio but there is a plutocracy in effect that only works for the lowest common denominator. And that's the market these people are playing for, obviously -- it's right there in the title -- so there's not really anything to bitch about, with these particular people, because simply walking into a room with Kidd or JR or even Keith is to say: I would like some unicorn sausage.
But there's also a longer con at play here, which is that the term "Information Economy" is a contradiction in terms. Music, TV, movies and print are all dying because we're in the middle of a movement away from physical objects, the scarcity and rarity of objects that you buy to own, and into the infinite abundance of information, because information wants to be free. If I give you a loaf of bread, I don't have one now and you do. But if I tell you a story, then we both have the story and nobody's lost anything. And once we went digital, that applies to all information.
So now you've got a temporary three-way split in the economy: The people who buy the object, the people who download the idea, and the people who steal it. (TV is a little different because that was always ad-supported, movies are a little different because we've fetishized them as physical objects, and books even moreso, but it's all the same thing, content, in this model.) And just like CBS kills in the ratings despite having no internet presence, just like country and R&B are the bestselling genres, you have a situation where the only things that matter are the things people are willing to pay for, and at this point that's only a scarcity of access. You're only measuring the people who can't figure out how to steal. (And of course the people who choose not to, because they appreciate art.)
But that's fine, if you're one of these industries, because these are the only people who are paying your rent. So the end result is that the industry itself gets smaller and smaller, funneling resources at every level toward the only things that will sell. Comic book movies, reboots of comic book movies, reboots of nostalgia-boner kid things are the only things that sell, so they become the only things that are offered for sale, so they continue to be the only things that sell.
But information is only getting slippier and more free, and our ways of getting them proliferate at an exponential rate, meaning that any information industry is at or past the point of peak oil: At some point, there has to be a replacement for DRM or bringing billion-dollar lawsuits against children who use Napster. When you're only operating your dying industry in terms of the highest-selling units, you're driving even more traffic off the grid entirely, because if you don't particularly like songs that sound like Bruno Mars or Ryan Tedder wrote them, you're going to turn off the radio because that's all there is. In the short view, that's the definition of success.
And it's not a matter of cyclical, ups-and-downs, "recession economies create grunge revolutions" or any of those cultural lenses we're used to using: This is an evolution of the entire concept of information delivery, of what art and commodification even mean, and dancing on the edge of that shit is scary as hell. Entertainment and information are the quintessential American exports, and it's all predicated on a concept of scarcity that is already dead. There is no resurgence, there is no reconditioning, there is no way of coming back from that, because ones and zeroes have replaced physical objects.
In the short term, you've got to gather those rosebuds, which is what this show is about. It's a historical record of the last days of disco. But in the long term, it's to useless to even look at it in terms of the industries themselves, because they are not the point. After this part of the process, the stage is micropayments -- which we're already there, studying the top iTunes downloads, which is the middle tier of people still willing to pay at all -- and social networking to build artists' brands. But those are stopgap measures too, because after peak oil nobody knows what the hell you're going to do.
In order to keep from being the Flint Michigan, LA needs to talk to the boys up north about how to monetize ones and zeroes in a way that doesn't feel like an Orwell novel, but that won't happen because they're still making the money. There's no reason for them to be scared about any of this, as long as there's a Scotty or a Sonyae willing to sell their unicorn to squeeze out another year in the black.
Because that's not the only kind of scarcity that's dying. On the artist side, you're also talking about scarcity of access to production equipment, access to broadcast, access to marketing, access to eyeballs and earholes. And now that writing a song or performing a song or making a beautiful video and then getting it talked about is as simple as uploading it to YouTube, it's all just noise. The business model that pays off other industry people to get access to those eyeballs is dying just as fast, because there is no way to apply normal business models to the abundance of attention that is possible for a talented artist with a computer.
Our conversation is so lost in this idea of loops and trends -- linking the sale of iTunes singles back to the 78s of yore, linking singer-songwriters of today back to the Brill Building -- that it's hard, maybe impossible, to see an off-ramp. You assume that because everything looks the same that it is the same, and you look to history to explain it and lead the way into the future. But this isn't a cyclical development, it's a radical departure -- not to say "singularity" -- that challenges every single one of those assumptions, because you're still putting a price on something that is already free.
The arrow is pointing toward a meritocracy, in which rising above the noise is as simple as making a quality product and working for the traffic and interest that validate it. Monetize that -- witness YouTube partnerships, Kickstarter projects, etc. -- and you'll beat the monster and get paid for your art. And right now that looks incredibly depressing, like a farmer's market or barter system, like Etsy for musicians, like weird self-published romance novels, like sad low-budget derivative web sitcoms. That's how every art starts, because more people want to say something than really have something to say, but at this moment it can look like the apocalypse happened and we didn't even notice. That's because that is exactly what happened. It's not even worth crying over it, because we have to deal in What Is and not What Should Be. You can't expect the dinosaur to rebuild itself or reconfigure or fall apart into a brand new beautiful day: You build your new machine in the cage of its bones.
THE IMPOSSIBLY STRESSFUL LEADUP
All of the people in the audience talk about their truths and their connections to the songs. Even Nick -- though it pains him -- must admit that Sonyae's song was amazing. Other people praise other songs, sometimes you can tell which one they mean and other times not so much. Melissa looks absolutely stunning; I actually rewound it so I could look at her some more. Damn, girl.
Once the room has cleared out, the Contestants assemble.
Kara: "Jes, was that the best song you ever wrote?"
Jes: "I feel like maybe it was."
Kara: "You've become very good. We liked how your lyrics were appealing and cool and commercial. It's fun to care about what you say."
Leona: "I liked how you could cover it in any genre."
Keith: "Jes, thanks for finally making sense to me. The central conceit about coming alive was whatever, but the rest was great."
Kara: "I love how you have changed into a better version of yourself, because you're so talented and it's so great to finally see that, as a person listening to your music."
Jewel: "Pre-chorus could have been better -- [demonstrates how, in a very Kara way] -- but seriously, we're shocked at how good it was."
Jewel & Kara: "Scotty, you've really impressed us. You still like to say the same words over and over, but that's not so bad."
Keith: "Melodically, you are a champion. On the other hand, so is Bruno Mars which is exactly what your song sounds like."
Scotty: "Valid."
Keith: "Why that's suddenly a problem, I won't explain."
Judgery: "Your crazy concepts, Sonyae, have once again carried you through."
Keith: "What I liked is how you managed to make the word blasphemy sound totally normal and not scary. Your melodies are still questionable, and you overcome this with all of your other talents, but still."
Kara: "[Very true, very Kara type things.]"
Jewel: "What would winning this mean to you?"
Jes: "Being handed something. I am tired. I work really hard, and that is killing me."
Kara: "You make me tired."
Sonyae: "Seriously."
Scotty: "I would like some money, and to be gay a lot. Also, I have this prodigious talent and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do with myself."
Sonyae: "I am homeless, so it would be cool to have a home and food."
Judgery: "Could you talk about your horrible life until you cry? And you make everybody else cry because you're amazing?"
Sonyae: "Done."
THE JUDGING OF THE JUDGES & BACKSTAGING OF THE STAGES
Scotty: "It's possible that I will murder everybody. That is a metaphor for disappointment."
Judgery: "Jes's song was really pretty. I like the idea of her 'coming alive' because she doesn't do that very often. The lyrics were pretty and smart, as usual, and it was fun to watch. That mainstream melody was hard-won."
Leona: "Very mainstream. Very crossover. I was raised in a laboratory and those are the words I know. But they do apply here."
Judgery: "Sonyae is ridiculously awesome, and seems to have discovered the concept of music finally."
Judgery: "Don't we love Scotty? He is so fucking great. I love how he's gay and passionate about things and technically proficient. His brain is so magical and he's such a wonderful smart person to deal with."
Jewel: "I am so proud of them all!"
Me too. It was really awesome. You should at least watch these last three songs. I know I never talk about the songs really, because explaining a song in a recap is like describing the taste and smell of food and I don't know how to do it, ten years of American Idol proved to us that I cannot do it, so I will say simply that you should hit up the website and see those three performances because they were really fantastic.
Kara: "Let's bring those bitches back in."
THE DÉNOUEMENT
Jewel: "They really were your best songs!"
Kara: "Jes, you soared and resonated emotionally. Sonyae, your religion metaphor was brilliant and only a little creepy; as usual, your lyrics were magical. Scotty, you were masterfully commercial while also being heartfelt and blowing our minds with your viewpoint."
Jewel: "The winner... Is... Going to be... Told to you in a sec."
Scotty: Has everything required to make it in this business and now has the connections, of course. He's disappointed about losing, but he knows damn well he's a genius.
Sonyae: Is the winner of Platinum Hit. Like we knew ten episodes ago.
Jes: Can't wait to give Johnny a big old hug.
THE END
I don't know, what did you think? Knowing the result from early on made this a much more interesting journey in some key ways, because of the fact that it's one of those industry-specific inside-baseball shows Bravo does so well, so you're simultaneously watching people be good at something -- which is hot -- while also being given just enough information to be dangerous. (I.e., if I never hear the word "draping" again from a TV-watching fashion dilettante it will be too soon, despite being a TV-watching fashion dilettante who tosses that word around like it's a tickertape parade and every piece of paper has some word that you learned from that show and in no other context.)
*(Although I still hate that Lifetime got Project Runway, if only because gay men only watch Bravo and thus have no idea that the show even exists anymore, which means nobody will talk to me about it. How dumb!)
So I guess what we learned is that songwriting is A) A thing, B) Really hard, C) Connected, like all art, to a failing monster that manipulates the economy, and D) Is an art in the hardest way possible, which is that you have to bring your entire self to it while also leaving yourself entirely out of it. As you can see by the following paragraph, as well as the ones that precede it, D interests me the most because it's the hardest thing to understand and/or control.
I think that's why Jes's journey was the most interesting, because you could see her slamming her entire body back and forth between those two poles: It's All About Me and It's Not About Me, vigorously as an A-Ha video, and never making it quite through the door into real life. It was always one or the other, or sometimes 50/50, and the trick is that it has to be 100/100.
Songwriting is more honest and more difficult than memoir, because you're dealing in at least two languages -- the one with words and the one without -- while also making a place for yourself, and for everybody else. You have to be completely true to your vision and your truth, while also constantly making allowances for your collaborator. You have to remember that it takes an ass to fill every seat, but never rely on the cheap or played-out to achieve those ends. You have to remember that a calling is not a job and that no amount of money is worth letting go, but that too much effort on the back end means you'll have no creativity to spare your calling.
You have to know when to check in and make sure you're not going on some life-wrecking tangent, but you also have to know when you're making the right move regardless of what people are telling you. You have to know that there's a beginning, a middle and an end, and you have to have the grace and patience to get there without losing your dignity. You have to remember that drinking and drugs, though they open the door, are not the only keys to the door, and that selling yourself as a neurotic artist or a drunk genius is a great way to close yourself off altogether; that everybody loves a rebel but nobody loves a revolutionary and everybody gets a hangover from an asshole. That any pass you write yourself today is going to charge you double one day very soon, so you need to operate as close to your higher self as you possible can if you don't want a bunch of hassles and bullshit later. That losing control is the key to creativity but staying in control is the key to everything else.
You have to know, constantly, that the narrative of your life and the way you express yourself aren't simply cardboard pretenses to avoid the risk of really examining yourself. You have to earn every cliché, turn over every rock, and you have to know when to drop your shit and run. You have to fight for everybody else's approval while remembering always that, as an end goal, that's just slow unicorn suicide. You have to remember always that money is no kind of a trade for your soul, and you have to remember to eat regularly and get some sleep and keep making money. You have to starve, sometimes, to make sure your unicorn's getting fed.
Good luck to all the hookers and congrats on the visibility; thanks to Kara and Jewel for being so consistently inspiring. And to Keith Naftaly, we wish a hearty goodnight.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps True Blood, Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars, and Desperate Housewives for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion.