Last week: Sonyae won for the fifteenth time in a row, Johnny acted real gross and went home, and Nick continued to be the worst thing in all of history.
Everybody looks all sleepy morning, and Nick cracks his usual shitass kind of joke before his eyes are fully open. Nice to know he can go there without any prep time at all: What to us is a simple alarm clock is, for Nick, a call to arms. "How can I be my worst self today?"
Nick: "I'm going after Jes for no reason."
Jes: "I'm going after Nick because my sense of self in Johnny's absence is still negligible."
Sonyae: "Okay, but if Johnny was the strongest one besides me, then you should be glad that Johnny is gone."
Sonyae's sense of reality crops up in the most surprising ways.
Jes: "Johnny was like a piece of home for me. Literally, because we both hang out with the same hipsters."
KISS THE FLAME
Is the name of the Tyra Mail that Nick finds and tosses to the group to wonder about.
Jes: "You can interpret that meaningless phrase in so many ways."
Nick: "I think it means we have to make out with Scotty. Because he's a fag, get it?"
Scotty: "Four fingers pointing back at you, little fella."
Jewel: "Nick, stop pretending that we're friends. We're not friends. Let's meet the EIC of Spin and hear his crackpot theories."
Sonyae: "He looks so smart, this Doug Brod. He walks smart, like an editor." [Note: Doug Brod was laid off from his position as Spin's EIC in June, before this episode aired -- Ethan]
Jewel: "'Kiss The Flame' actually comes from a song I wrote. I really have no idea what I'm talking about a lot of the time -- I'm something of a Knight Without Armor in that respect -- but I think I meant something about running toward danger. Now I want you each to interpret my bizarre lyric in your own way, and sing it to me while I am fed grapes by the editor-in-chief of Spin magazine. Then you will chew up all these pieces of bubblegum, and create a portrait of me using chewed-up gum. Then you will each get tattoos of me kissing various things that are on fire on the body part of your choice."
HOOK THEME: EMPOWERMENT
Brod: "When I want to get pumped up, I listen to Queen's "We Are The Champions." Then that reminds me that I am thousands of years old, and I calm down again."
Scotty: "Songs really can pump you up. I love to be empowered, such as by Voguing."
Scotty: "Coming out of the closet can be like kissing the flame."
Jes: "As a woman, I think that having a discernable personality would be really empowering."
Nick: "What's empowering for me is hating women."
Brian: "Boobies."
Sonyae: "Not being abused is really empowering. So I would say, avoid that."
Brian then gets real by making the song about killing your own inner victim after his mother's death from breast cancer broke him. So I guess that's the last of the boob jokes. I like all of their ideas except for Nick's. You hear empowerment and you prepare for the worst because nobody gets it right, but they are doing well. I am excited to hear the songs.
I think the most empowering song is probably "What It Feels Like For A Girl" because it reminds you that you are not insane: Things really are as stupid as you think they are, and everybody is paying for it pretty much all the time. But also "Higher and Higher" from Wet Hot American Summer, because it is about kissing the flame basically and because it kicks more ass than any other single song. Or like those Martina McBride songs where the disabled person gets sexually assaulted sixty times and then sets a house on fire, which could get you in the mood to throw down.
Or I guess also any song that makes you feel like a cyberpunk computer hacker in the 1990s such as "6 Underground" or "Halcyon + On + On." Or that Bat for Lashes song, any song really where you feel like a totally magical person on a horse. Getting magic elf shit done. Ke$ha songs get me really excited about making the worst decisions possible. If you feel like staying home and being normal, aka being lame, you can listen to a Ke$ha song or Mickey Avalon and instantly want to go do all the drugs and have all the sex. I guess the takeaway is that lots of things can be empowering. "Here Comes The Hotstepper" could be empowering, like, if you were a lyrical gangster for example.
Nick once again orders everybody to practice more quietly because he believes in respecting each other right now, and Brian practices less quickly in response.
HOOKIN' IT
Scotty sings his gayness song; nobody's really that moved. The Spin nerd gets all wordplay about it, but that's about it. Jes sings one of her angry Fiona Apple songs and Nick laughs at everybody for not hating it. Nick's same-as-every-song song is about how girls won't date him because they are cowards and for no other reason. Brian introduces his song by explaining the dead mom thing, clinching it, but then the song is actually very gorgeous, "excuse me while I kiss the flame" and demons/heaven clichés notwithstanding. Sonyae does her usual thing of singing and hoping they can tell the melody, and everybody nods. I think Brian should take it this week.
The runner-up hooker was Scotty because his concept was cool, but they want him to structure it around an It Gets Better idea. Then Brian gets Top Hooker for the week, because his hook was like an entire song and it was beautiful.
Surprise! The MVP of the winning team will also get featured in Spin, which is a magazine that knows of such bands as Paramore and Kings Of Leon and other amazing finds like that. Or how AIDS doesn't actually exist. Or how to be so annoyingly Gen-X about everything that Pitchfork stops being annoying altogether.
Brian picks Jes, causing her to spaz intensely for some reason; he thinks it's because she understands the idea behind the song. Scotty chooses Sonyae because whatever gay whatever. Brian has the choice of taking Nick or shoving him to Scotty. Nick really wants to be on Brian's team because he wants to play with them, Jes notwithstanding, but Brian passes him to Scotty because he doesn't know how great Nick is in the room because he hasn't worked worked with Nick. Everybody else does, though, and Scotty yells at Brian for being stupid and giving him Nick.
WRITING
Brian explains about how he is empowered and not a victim; Jes was once roofied and assaulted, so that idea resonates. They are really in sync about it, and it sounds like a really good thing for them both to explore. They're very respectful with each other's stuff, it's fairly devastating. They discuss getting people past their trauma, and then bring up P!nk as a person who is pop, but also does some intense rocking, and Jes thinks that will work. They wonder between themselves about which one should be on vocals, and decide on Jes.
Scotty explains how coming out works and how accountability is something that you miss out on when you're subject to the rules we put on women and gays as a society, until you come out and then become entirely responsible for yourself. Nick is down. Scotty gets very eloquent about the subject, actually, and about the detachment process that comes along with not putting yourself under the thumb of dumb rules like that. They talk about the lyrics for a while, and eventually elect Sonyae to sing.
Brian once again focuses on the track while Jes works on lyrics, and they discuss that as he continues to knock out the melody. Jes eventually gets annoyed because he is interested in lyrics to the point of ignoring her and only critiquing them when he notices her talking at all, which makes her feel exposed.
Sonyae wants to compare your gay marginalizing to being excommunicated, which is like too much maybe, and Scotty plays some chords for them. Nick gives them a chorus, and Sonyae runs with it, but Scotty and Sonyae get worried about whether the riff is dope enough. Nick gets a little pissy about it, and keeps saying his riff over and over and telling them how brilliant it is instead of working toward the middle, but you never know.
Jes finally gets Brian to sit down for lyrics, and hits him with some pretty intense and awesome stuff, but Brian's not sure about any of this. Suddenly it's about how useless Jes is and how he's having to walk her through it, which sucks because it's the best stuff she's done. She's got some good lyrics in her, but it's so honest and surprising that maybe it's too much for Brian.
Nick is like, rapping or something. I don't know, it's weird. Sonyae gets scared that there's no bridge, and Scotty begins to trip. For once, Nick is not leading the team, and it's a pretty interesting dynamic. Scotty has such a beautiful voice that it's hard to tell how good the song is. They stress out, pull it together, stress about something else, get serious. It's a roller coaster. Sonyae is like, totally weirded out that she and Scotty are hitting a wall, and then suddenly they are done. Scotty's not hugely proud of the effort, plus he's worried about trying to downplay Brian and Jes's future effort because of how shit-talking seems to rebound on him every time.
Nick, for ten years: "I'm not gay. Mostly that's what this is about. How not gay I am."
AM
Jes, demonstrably: "Having a black roommate is taking a strange toll on my speech patterns."
Keith's vest is maybe almost too much this week, but he's still magnificent. The guest judge besides the other guest judge is Colby Caillat, the writer of the classic lyric about how it starts in your nose.
Nick: "For how not gay I am, I refer you to Colby Caillat. Word. For real though, no homo. I am not gay. Not even a little gay bit. Just singing this gay song about being gay has not caused me to be gay."
Scotty Sonyae Nick: The song is called "Reign," and it is about what you give up and what you get in return, and it's very pretty. Vocally, they don't really have it together and it comes off really unpolished as a performance, but the song seems pretty good. Colby shakes her head, but I don't know if it's because she's feeling it or because she isn't. Then all of sudden Nick is rapping and Scotty is Voguing and whatever you thought gay was, you realize you were only in the living room of gay and there's this whole second floor that only Scotty knew about.
Brian and Jes: "The Last Candle" involves teasing your hair out to look like a crazy substitute drama teacher and then singing these intense lyrics while Brian rocks out on guitar in the background. The verse is really pretty and the whole thing is like they said it would be: a P!nk song. Jes gets more comfortable as she goes, which helps sell it, but mostly it's just a pretty song with a seriously catchy chorus that fits the "empowerment" recipe to a T. Whatever the producers were imagining when they made up this challenge is what it sounds like.
Remember that week of It Gets Better after that boy died, and it was all "We R Who We R" and "Firework" and "Raise Your Glass" and then Gaga squeaked in with "Born This Way"? That's what it sounds like. Which is funny, because that was Team Reign's actual subject matter, while Team Candle's themes are pretty much unbearable to think about, and they managed to cover both team's things, in a smart and powerful way. I just wish Jes had a point, because she's got stuff to say.
BACKSTAGE
Jes: "Team Reign, I just wanted you to know that you wrote the worst song imaginable."
Reign: "Well, your song sucked too."
Jes: "Well, no it didn't."
I see we've entered the part of the competition where You Suck has become an acceptable critique. They made it further than, say, Project Runway people, but just barely.
JUDGING
Jewel: "Brian and Jes, tell us about your sad song."
Kara: "Sorry about the breast cancer."
Jes: "I got roofied and assaulted, also."
Judges: "Oh shit."
Jes: "That's why the lyrics were so intense."
Kara: "I am proud of you both."
Keith: "You should have been growlier because the lyrics were so hardcore, but that's it."
Scotty: "It was about coming out of the closet, but on the other hand our teamwork was off."
Sonyae: "It was not a great experience."
Kara: "[Minor adjustment to lyric.]"
Jewel: "Scotty, did you succeed here? And why not."
Scotty: "No, and because for no reason."
Keith: "Wow, dude."
Jewel: "We were more empowered by Team Reign, as it turns out. This show has no rhyme or reason."
Colby: "I wanted to dance and empower myself."
Kara: "I wish I was gay when I hear that song."
Jewel: "Nick, you little goblin. Stop dancing around."
Keith: "I would love to remix that song."
They clown out and it's pretty lovable. Nick finds a way to be silly about it and point out how hard he worked for the best parts of the song, the better to be featured in Spin. Everybody has to stand there while they decide on MVP, and of course it is Nick, because he just told them to think that. Keith loves the melody of the chorus, and Kara congratulates him for doing his usual bullheaded deal because it won the game for them. Gay things occur at quite a rate as they head backstage.
Jewel: "Brian, why did you change that pretty song from the hook challenge?"
Brian: "We were dealing with personal shit and wanted to universalize it. We didn't really change the hook that much going into the song."
Keith: "I did not feel sufficiently empowered."
Jes: "Okay, I wrote the verse lyrics and melodies, including the lines you liked."
Jewel: "Others of them we didn't. There was a Hanna Montana-ness in there."
Kara: "I wrote 'Sober' with P!nk. You could have done this. Also, Scotty was right and this song was from five years ago."
Jes: "I should have spoken up about the melodies."
Kara: "You're saying Brian delegated your part and then ditched you?"
Brian: "How horrible. If I'd known she needed permission to exist I would have worked around that."
It gets super intense real quickly and Jes calls herself a fucking idiot and they both fuss and spit and Jes starts into this whole weird deal about how she's a failure. Brian lists his qualifications -- sundry genres, hitmaker intuition -- while in his estimation Jes does not have those powers. Jes agrees that she has not demonstrated any particular gifts for this show, but promises to be good at this show one of these days, and then stomps and squeals and scares the piss out of Colby Caillat.
Jewel: "That was like watching an exorcism. Like an exorcism of a boring demon out of a boring person who just figured out they have zero personal agency."
BACKSTAGE
Jes continues to hurl herself around like a nutbar screaming about what a pushover she is, as though she just noticed this fact. Brian and Scotty stare, eyes wide, as the exorcism continues. There is something not entirely authentic about this fit she's throwing, which I think adds to the trainwreck aspect. It's suspect and more than a little creepy. Nick tries to offer words of "encouragement" about how sometimes it's better to be a dick, and she tells him to fuck off because nobody wants to hear it. Sonyae just kind of giggles and watches her act crazy; they're all shocked that she's even having, like, an opinion. It's both boring and unpleasant at the same time.
What's intriguing to me is that she's basically performing the deal with their songs right now. We are socialized, especially those of us who sleep with men, to equate being "nice" with never saying no. There are plenty of sneaky ways to assert power that don't break that rule, but that rule is a real thing. The system's been gamed that way for the entirety of human existence: For even a provisional amount of determining power you have to sneak under the radar by pretending to be a passive idiot. If being gay weren't so terribly demeaning, weren't just as bad as being a woman, maybe Nick wouldn't be so stressed about it.
That's actually why "What It Feels Like For A Girl" was the first song I thought of, because it's literally about that: When you're trying hard to be your best/ Could you be a little less? Whether you're a gay dude or a straight chick, being Paris Hilton is always the easiest exit strategy to avoid that kind of pressure, because you're the only one capable of fucking up the real good system men have going, so don't rock the boat and don't ever say No.
And Scott's whole song was about trading that begrudging acceptance for personal sovereignty, which is a discovery that is pretty much a miracle every time it happens: If you can learn to equate the pressure to be "nice" with being victimized, which is what it actually is, you can take it apart in your own life and see the deals being made that you didn't even know you were making.
Kara: "Brian, you wasted time on an old-timey track that had zero bite instead of sticking with your gift of writing powerful chords. Jes, you keep telling us you're awesome and then handing us excuses. Your refusal to assert yourself, especially on the empowerment task, is to say the least ironic."
Jewel: "...And yet, we're sending Brian home."
Jes climbs him like a tree and cries all over the place, while Brian just gets quietly annoyed with himself. He reacts in a completely classy way, and it's quickly over. They wish him well, we all wish him well. He is a good man. Backstage, Sonyae is excited to see Jes coming back, while the boys get worried that Brian's not around. Finally they find him crying in a corner, a sight that touches even Nick enough that he awkwardly pats Brian on the back and tries to be of comfort for the first time in his entire life. Brian continues to be awesome all through his exit stuff, and then he's gone. That sucked!
It sucks because Jes was unprofessional about being unprofessional and because the only reason she hasn't handed them the same excuse six more times is because she's under the radar every week, but it also sucks because out of all of them I feel like we got to know Brian the least. He did the same thing every week, in terms of his actual working process, but his songs were a lot prettier and a lot more interesting than the people with the flashier personalities. Or the people who do nothing.
I get why this song was the one that sunk him -- it sounds like it could have been from any year in the last ten years, but I mean, so could Colby Caillat's songs be from any decade at all -- but they certainly proved their point that being dependable and talented is still not enough when you're going week by week and song by song. My Ridiculous, we salute you.
week: No more collaborations! Kara wearing intense matte lipstick and scaring everybody. Perez Hilton getting his Slimy all over everything. High school cheerleaders. Apparently everything, just everything.
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