Props to whoever is recapping the latest episode of Dark Angel. I caught the last ten minutes of it before Pasadena, and what they did at the end was just stupid. I would tear my hair out if I had to recap that.
Previously: Henry told Lily that his parents were dead, but told Catherine that his mom was alive and asked for help finding her; Will broke the news to Robert that he wouldn't be inheriting the family newspaper, while Catherine broke Jayleen's windshield with a bat; Nate told Lily that Meredith Weller was last seen at the Greeley household, not with Phillip Parker; Nate lied to Beth that he wasn't on drugs.
We fade in on a stone lion statue located somewhere in the offices of The Sun. George "T. Herman" Greeley voice-overs a long, dull speech to his board members about the history of the newspaper in an attempt to build up dramatic tension to his naming of Will as the new publisher, which falls utterly flat because we've already known this for two episodes. In the meeting, the camera pans across to show us Robert "Unfortunate Son" Greeley, Will "Father of the Brood" McAllister, and Lillian "Tree" Greeley in attendance. Robert looks like he just found out he has herpes. Although George will be stepping down as publisher, he'll still be sitting on the board of directors, blah blah blah we-already-know-this-cakes. He finally names Will as his successor. Cut to images of Robert sitting in despair in the remains of his trashed office, while Will mildly celebrates by bopping along to his car radio as he drives home.
At the McMansion, Henry "Pretty Boy Blue" Bellow(s) is showing Catherine "Apple" Greeley McAllister a home movie of the woman Henry believes to be his mother, filmed fifteen years ago. Oops, she doesn't look anything like Carly Simon as I said last episode. She's got long blonde hair but looks rather down to earth. I would say she looks like Kim Carnes, but I did some research to find out what Kim looks like these days and yikes. You're not supposed to mummify people until after they die. Anyway, Henry's (alleged) mother looks like Kim Carnes did at the height of her fame. Henry says he's been looking for this woman for weeks but hasn't gotten anywhere. So I guess those photos he took last episode weren't of the same woman. Catherine tells Henry that she needs more information if he wants her help. Henry explains that, though he and his brother were told that their mother was long dead, he's uncovered evidence that she had been secretly sending his father checks to help raise the boys. The envelopes had no return addresses, but were postmarked in Pasadena. Catherine asks if she can keep the tape for a little while. Henry agrees, but asks her to keep it all a secret. His brother can't know about the search because he hates their mom. Catherine asks why, and Henry explains that she married young (eh, she looks at least thirty-five in that video, and I'm being generous), and that their dad had "problems" (which aren't explained). Henry admits that he doesn't really know why she left them, and that's why he wants to find her. I don't think he's going to find an answer that makes him feel any better, unless it turns out that she went out to the mall, got struck on the head, got total amnesia and forgot that her family existed, started a new life, and then found out later and was sending checks out of guilt. Catherine asks if perhaps the woman doesn't want to be found; Henry responds that he doesn't care what she wants.
Catherine escorts Henry out as he asks her again not to tell anybody about this. Catherine agrees, and changes to subject to Lily's recent behavior. She tells Henry that ever since Lily met him, she's been treating Catherine with distrust and suspicion. She tells Henry that she hopes she can prove that he can trust her. Then she leans in and gives him a hug. After an awkward moment, Henry returns it. As Catherine starts to pull back, it looks for one brief second like she's going to kiss him on the neck, but then thinks better of it.
Elsewhere, Lily sits in her bedroom, looking through the alumni directory. She finds a phone number for Phillip Parker. She calls it, and a woman answers. Lily asks if she's speaking to Mrs. Parker. When the woman says she is, Lily hangs up.
Meanwhile, Catherine is watching the video that Henry left (is that a smart thing to do while others are in the house?) and pauses the image on Kim Carnes. Contrivance calls me -- collect, might I add -- to brag about his work in this scene. Catherine walks over to a nearby box containing hundreds of old Christmas cards. The fifth card down from the top is one of those photo cards with the family on the front. She pulls it out and takes a close look at it: a mother and father with two kids. She holds it up to the television, and it's a match -- the mother is the same woman. That was easy. You would think that if Catherine knows so many Pasadena people, as she claimed last episode, she would be a little quicker to recognize a woman who sends her Christmas cards.
Commercials. Everybody is insistent that I should dye my hair. I will not.
Back into The Subplot Of Ick. Will and Mason are having breakfast. Will decides he wants to have one of those "birds and bees" discussions with Mason. I think a discussion of restraining orders and privacy laws would be more appropriate. Will brings up the touchy-feely stuff about "feeling urges" and such. In the foreground, Pilar, who is mixing something in the kitchen, rolls her eyes. Ha! Will tells Mason that he can ask him anything about sex. Mason says he has one question. He wants to know how he can convince Mona to have sex with him. My phone rings. It's my -door neighbor, asking if I'm okay. The sudden screaming frightened him. Will, rather than broaching the subject of a fifty-sixth trimester abortion, calmly tells Mason that he's not old enough for sex. Mason claims he is: "I wake up every morning humping the mattress." The neighbor rushes over to make sure I'm not being savaged by wild dogs. Am I watching Cinemax now? Is that what it is? Did this show suddenly get moved to Cinemax? I'm not listening to a Mason talk about masturbation. I refuse to believe it. He's talking about playing video games. In bed. That's it. Just video games. Mason says that sometimes he feels like his head's going to explode, because some of those levels in the shooting games are really hard. I mean, "difficult." Will says that casually playing video games with somebody else will lead to trouble. Mason says he wants to get into trouble. Will insists that he doesn't. I add, "Unless it's trouble that lands you in jail for a long, long time." Mason whines that his hormones might make him go crazy if he has to keep playing video games solo. Pilar, standing nearby, gives Will a look that says, "Too late."
Upstairs, Lily confronts Catherine about the rumors that Meredith was last seen at the Greeley household before her mysterious disappearance. Catherine is annoyed that this whole issue has come up yet again. She dismisses the rumors, claiming that they're made up by spiteful people who are jealous of the family. Catherine accuses Lily of being hurtful by continually bringing up a painful chapter in her personal history. Lily tries to bring up Nate as the source of the info, but Catherine interrupts her, spitting out, "Your Uncle Nate is a drug addict, and hardly a credible source of information." Lily attempts to bring up Henry's recent appearance at the McMansion, but Catherine loses her temper and tells Lily that she has a lot of work to do and doesn't have time for Lily's "bizarre interrogations," and stalks off. Yes, there's a lot to be jealous of in this family. That's a nice armoire, for example.
At the offices of The Sun, Nate is having a private meeting with George. He tells George that he'll do anything George asks to get clean, but if he doesn't get $2,000 right now, "Brick" is going to "rip [him] a new one, for real." When I first heard this, I asked, "What does he mean, 'for real'?" So then they cut out to "Brick," standing in some hallway outside the office, wearing a tank top and black leather pants and the Queer as Folk music starts playing again out of nowhere, and I go, "Ohhhh." Now, see, if only the people who do anti-drug commercials were this creative. They're always doing that stupid crap about "the future" being somebody's anti-drug, showing their complete unawareness of the kind of attitude that causes people to use to begin with. They should have "anal rape is my anti-drug" commercials and stop handling the issue with kid gloves. Or does that sound like people are choosing rape as an alternative to drugs?
Anyway, we cut back to George and Nate (the dance music stops immediately), and George stupidly asks Nate why he can't get $2,000, so that Nate can remind the viewers that George has cut off all of Nate's sources of money. George prepares Nate for what's to come with a more metaphorical rape of Nate's sense of self-worth. He tells Nate that it was Lillian's idea to cut off the money in the hopes that he wouldn't kill himself and would move back home. Nate promises that he'll comply, but George doesn't care. He tells Nate that he's an embarrassment to the family, that he's lied to them and stolen from them, and that he's a "useless distraction." He tells Nate he doesn't care if he gets high and kills himself. George subscribes to the "tough shit" model of intervention, rather than the "tough love" one. He tells Nate he can have the money, but he wants Nate to live his "mockery of life" out of George's sight. Nate says, "I guess that's it," and gets up. He declines George's money and leaves. Maybe he realizes that somebody appraising his ass at a value of $2,000 isn't such a bad thing.
Cut to Lily and Jennie, standing on the porch of a pretty white house. It's the Parker residence. Lily is afraid to knock. She's afraid nobody will talk to her when they find out who she is. Finally, she works up the will to ring the doorbell. Phillip Parker's mother answers. As Lily explains who she is and her relationship to Catherine, the woman's smile fades from her face. Lily wants to ask some questions about Phillip. Mom's not really interested: "Do you want to know how his life was destroyed by your family? Do you want to know how they set him up to ruin his reputation?" Lily says she wants to know what happened to Meredith. Mom says she's asking the wrong person; she needs to go ask Catherine. Then Mom shuts the door in the girls' faces. Well, that didn't progress the plot much at all, did it? Raise your hand if you didn't already realize that Catherine was the key to Meredith's disappearance. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Party night at the McMansion. Catherine was right to be pissed about the short notice; there are around seventy people in attendance. People mingle and congratulate George. Catherine's hair has been teased so much that it's considering a harassment suit. If you watch carefully, her hair gets larger and wilder as her evening gets progressively worse. She greets Lily and Jennie as they come down the stairs and asks where Lily's been. Lily non-answers that Catherine "wouldn't want to know." I'm surprised Lily doesn't confront her right there. It's not like she's shown any concern about timing in the past. Catherine tells her that Henry's arrived; Lily's surprised to see him there, since she didn't invite him. Way to be discreet and secretive, guys.
Catherine and Will pretend to be a loving couple and head to the door to greet new arrivals. They open the door to see Robert standing there with his date -- Jayleen. Let the catfight begin! Actually, contrary to established soap opera guidelines, Catherine and Jayleen will not end up in the pool trying to rip each other's hair out. Sorry. Jayleen saunters in, with Robert following behind. Catherine stares at Will. Robert introduces Jayleen to George and Lillian, smirking like he may never have the opportunity to smirk again and wants to leave the world with everybody knowing that he was the go-to guy for smirking. Catherine drags him away to try to find out why he's trying to ruin things for her. Lillian's scathingly brilliant plan has taken hold. Robert pulls out the sarcasm: "Oh, gosh, sis, are you upset? If I betrayed you in any way, I am all apologies, but you have to admit she's pretty hot. And I heard she's great in bed." Robert walks off to get a drink while Catherine stares at him, dumbfounded. Now her brother is cheating on her, too.
Robert walks up to the wet bar to Will and orders a scotch and soda. He smarmily tells Will how proud he is that Will was named publisher. Will asks Robert what he's doing with Jayleen. Robert insouciantly says he's thinking of bringing Jayleen back to the newspaper. He argues that she's talented, and since Will and Catherine have patched things up, there should be no problem. Will asks Robert if he's lost his mind. I don't know why anybody's surprised by Robert's behavior. Isn't this exactly why he didn't get the publisher spot in the first place? Robert snarks that he forgot that he has to ask Will for permission to hire people because he's the boss now. Robert starts to walk away, but Will calls after him to get Jayleen out of there. Robert refuses, and tells Will he can invite anybody to the party that he wants: "If I'm not mistaken, I invited you here about twenty years ago." Robert walks off; Will broods. He's a brooding machine, that Will.
Outside, Lily has noticed Henry skulking around the patio. She comes down and wants to know what Henry's doing there. He lets the cat partway out of the bag by telling her that Catherine invited him to come when she saw him at school earlier today. Lily's more confused than ever, not understanding why Catherine would do that. Henry stuffs the cat back into the bag and non-answers that it's all complicated. Just then, Henry's (alleged) mother wanders in. Henry stiffens, and his face gets all pale and sweaty. He looks like the person who has to go to Jennifer Lopez's dressing room to tell her that they're out of mineral water. Lily picks up on this and notices who Henry is staring at. Henry has flashbacks of the video and postcard from earlier in this very episode as he watches his (alleged) mother talk to her other husband. He stammers out an apology to Lily and says he can't talk now and escapes inside.
The Subplot Of Ick has dressed up for the party. Mason comes down the stairs and sees that Mona has been invited. They make some small talk. Mona is friendly to Mason and mentions seeing him skateboarding earlier. She seems to like him and has no idea what an icky little troll boy he is. Mason loses his nerve and stammers his way back up the stairs. Mona looks disappointed. She doesn't know how lucky she is…yet.
Boopsie has arrived at the party, after a brief stop in 1928 to pick up a fringed black mini-dress and one of those ancient cameras you have to load pieces of film into and yank out after each shot. Lillian finds her and complains that Boopsie is missing out on her opportunity to meet eligible rich men because she looks like an event photographer. Mom wants Boopsie to mingle. Boopsie refuses, claiming that she doesn't want to be part of some rich power couple. She wants somebody "fun and romantic and spontaneous," just like her. She forgot to add "easily distracted," "unfocused," and "naïve." Lillian ignores this and calls over an attractive young man to introduce him to Boopsie.
The Subplot Of Ick meets The Smirk Master. Mason approaches Robert at the buffet to ask him how to convince a girl to sleep with him. This sounded absolutely horrible at first, but I relaxed when this scene took place, because then I knew that Mason wasn't going to get any. Robert tells Mason that deep down, all women are whores and want to be treated as such. That way, they don't have to pretend to be better than they really are. At home, Mike Binder takes notes (because it's not like he's going to be doing anything else on Friday nights), completely unaware that Robert is a complete caricature and that we're supposed to be laughing at him, not his smarmy jokes. He tells Mason that whatever he does, never "give a girl [his] heart. Because she'll rip it out, chop it up, and wash it down with a chardonnay." Umm…okay. Robert's mad at Catherine's betrayal, right? I think this ranks at about a seven on the incest scale. Mason thanks Robert for his "advice" and wanders off to make a great big ass of himself.
A bored Boopsie wanders outside to get away from yenta Lillian. She hears some music from somewhere and starts heading towards it. Parked out on the street, Tom is leaning against his car, sucking on a Tootsie Pop, and listening to the blues. Tom must lead a very bland life if he just sits around at parties waiting for his brother. A blues singer on the soundtrack repeats "I got me some" as Boopsie heads over to Tom. I tried looking up the song and singer, without luck. Anyway, Boopsie walks over and stands to him, leaning against the car. Without saying a word, Tom pulls another Tootsie Pop out of his pocket, unwraps it, and offers it to Boopsie. She accepts it and begins sucking on it, lustily. Tom looks at her as if he's not certain whether he's just gotten incredibly lucky, or into deep trouble. Neither of them says a word. End scene.
Inside, Henry's (alleged) mother is chatting with some woman about getting their kids together for a "play date." God, I hate that phrase. You're letting your kids play together. It's not a damn meeting or something. Henry tentatively approaches. The two women glance at him briefly, but since neither recognizes him, they don't pay him much mind. He slowly draws closer. Page finally notices that he's been staring it him. Henry opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but nothing comes out. Page looks at him nervously for a second, then turns away uncomfortably and continues talking to her friend. I don't blame her for the nervousness. Henry looks like he's about to pull out a gun and accuse her of transmitting secret messages to the space aliens that work at the KGB through his fillings, and then blow her head off. Henry loses his nerve and turns to walk away.