Holly and Bailey go to visit Will in the basement. No, really. They try to talk Will into moving into Holly's apartment, since they are married and all. Their argument is that the INS agent might show up again, and I'm glad they are acknowledging that there's more to the process than one interview. Holly doesn't want to keep telling the INS agent that Will is at work while Will rush across town to get there, because that is a red flag to the INS. Will clearly has Stockholm Syndrome, because he claims to like living in the basement. Bailey thinks Will is nuts, and points out the clanking washing machine, but fails to mention the iron shackles bolted to the wall. Meanwhile, Will is trying to get dressed, so he has on a shirt and a towel around his waist, and he's looking for his pants. Holly wonders if the reason he won't move in with her has to do with privacy. Will says that is a part of it as he ducks around the corner to put on his pants, like could they turn their backs or something? Bailey claims they can work the privacy thing out, like if Will wants to have Meredith over to spend the night, Holly can spend the night at Casa Salinger. Yeah, can you just imagine the INS agents showing up at the apartment and finding Will with another woman? That would go over really well. At the mention of Meredith, Will wonders how he's going to tell her that he's moving in with another woman. How serious are they, anyway? Is she the one from the episode where Bailey slept with her little sister? I'm sure she wouldn't mind Will helping Bailey out, then. Also, Will spent like three days straight memorizing everything about Holly and never mentioned it to his girlfriend? Anyway, Bailey says that Will can just explain thing to Meredith and she will understand, because he was helping out a Salinger and that's the most noble thing a man can do. Will isn't convinced. Bailey points out that Holly's place is nicer, closer to where Will works and it will keep the INS happy, so what is Will's problem? Will says he'll thing about it, but he's got to get to work. When did Will get a work ethic? As Will walks out, the washing machine starts clanking. If you listen very carefully, you can hear that it is tapping the following message in Morse code: "Everybody wants to be closer to free."
Claudia ascends into Julia's lair, where Julia is working on her laptop AGAIN. Claudia asks when Julia is going to check her messages, because that reporter keeps calling. Julia tells Claude to ignore the calls. Claudia claims that she can't ignore her, because every time she's on the phone, the reporter beeps in. I hate call waiting. But couldn't Claude just fail to answer the beeps? You'd think with as many people as they have living in the Salinger house, they'd have voice mail or something. Anyway, Claude fulfills her duty as Julia's foil by asking why Julia doesn't want to talk to the reporter. Julia expositions that the reporter is from an "online magazine" and she read Julia's book online and now she thinks Julia has something to say to her readers. Claudia agrees that Julia might. Julia claims that the reporter thinks she is a pillar of strength because she stood up to Ned (after like half a season, but anyway), and that Julia is a "role model." Claude strokes Julia's ego some more by agreeing that Julia is a role model. Julia points out that she is "moping around in her sweats" because Adam left, so she's no role model. Claudia thought she wrote the book partly to help people. Julia agrees and says she will call the reporter eventually, but right now she's too disgusted with herself to be strong for anyone else. Claudia wonders how long she's going to wait, because the reporter's deadline is in two days, so Claudia made an appointment with her and she's coming by later. Julia is not pleased. Claude says that she can cancel, but Julia has to make the call and hands her the phone and walks out.
Kirsten is sitting on the bed in their apartment while Charlie sits at the desk. Kirsten talks about all the decisions they have to make about the baby's room, such as what colors to use, patterns vs. solids, brushed cotton vs. chenille, etc. Oh for crying out loud. They are going to be the most annoying parents. Does it really matter if your child might have two extra I.Q. points because you got them a bedspread made out of the right fabric? Aren't there more important things to worry about in this world? Kirsten asks Charlie his opinion and he says she's "kind of the child development expert." I should mention here that Paula Devicq is clearly losing her hair, so the stylist keeps parting it further and further to the side in a female comb-over. Pretty soon, she's going to have the 1985 thing going on, where all her hair is just piled over to one side of her head, except straight instead of with a huge perm, and without bangs. You heard it here first. Daphne enters the room dressed in some smokin' snakeskin pants, and announces she's going out with her friends, and she's going to be out all night, so they shouldn't wait up. Kirsten and Charlie barely look up as they tell her they won't. Daphne continues by saying that Luke could find them an apartment in Dallas any day now, and she'll have to go straight there, so this is her time to "cut it up," and she does a cute little dance move. I like Daphne. At least she has some personality. Anyway, Kirsten asks her why she's acting that way. Daphne says that her friend Dusty asked her what she thought about "Wipeout." Kirsten says, "Oh, that stuff's great! It gets rid of that poopy smell like that!" and snaps her fingers. Daphne says it's a song they've been playing in clubs, not a diaper pail deodorizer, but she thought the same thing. So her mission is to go out tonight and be "a person with something on her mind besides baby, baby, baby." For a minute there, I thought she was going to break into a Britney Spears song. Kirsten gets a thoughtful look on her face and asks where they are going. I'm sure she was thinking, "Yet again this week, I can use Daphne's meager plot to parallel my own. It's nice that she has some use around here."
Todd and Claudia are packing up after rehearsal and some random guy says he'll see them tonight. Claudia asks what's happening tonight and Todd reminds her about some sort of orchestral concert they are supposed to attend, and asks if she doesn't want to go. Claudia wants to, but she has a "monster Shakespeare paper" to write. Seeing Todd's disappointed look, she says she can write it after the concert. Todd says he'll pick her up at 7:00, and leaves. Claude asks some random orchestra guy how he juggles school and his social life, since he's in college. Random guy is all, "Thank God for the web." Does he mean that his social life only exists on the web? Claudia asks if he means for research and the guy is all, "You could call it that" and finally gets to the point of this sorry plot, which is that you can find Shakespeare papers on the web. Claudia says she can't do that because it's illegal and it's cheating, and she wouldn't learn anything. This, from the girl who practically dropped out of school at one point? But I forgot, when she was at boarding school, she was super smart. Random guy says it's just like doing the research because you still have to put the paper into your own words. Then he says that clearly Claudia already knows everything and leaves. Hey, that was a mean thing to say. Screw you, Random Orchestra Guy!
Will is on the phone with someone, saying that there are nine thousand people waiting for season tickets, but he would be happy to make this guy nine thousand and one, and the guy hangs up. Just then Bailey walks in, and Will says, "He hung up. They all do. That's my job, now. I'm a professional disappointment to people. And my parents said I couldn't make a living that way." Ha! That is like the one funny line of the night, so savor it. Bailey asks if Will has time for coffee, but Will is still in avoidance mode, so he says he has to work. Yeah, Bailey. Some people have to work for a living, not just follow their girlfriends around and then pop into their brother's office for a few minutes and collect a fat paycheck. Then again, I write recaps for a living, so who am I to judge? Anyway, Bailey settles in and asks Will what's going on with him. Will says he's just answering phones and "disappointing the masses." Okay, it was funny the first time, but let's not milk it. Bailey clarifies that he wants to know what's going on with Will and Holly. Will panics for a minute, thinking that his love for Holly has been found out. Bailey is oblivious and says that Will made it painfully clear that he doesn't want to move in with Holly, and Bailey has concluded it's because Will doesn't like Holly. Isn't that ironic, Alanis? See, because Will likes Holly a little too much. Bailey points out all the ways Will hates Holly -- he doesn't look at her, he barely talks to her, and he avoids her at all cost. Will says he does like Holly, so Bailey asks what the problem is. Will already explained himself in the basement. Bailey says he is Will's best friend, and Will should level with him, but instead of giving Will a chance to actually speak, Bailey keeps talking and saying that maybe Will thinks Bailey doesn't want Will around. Bailey's all, "We love you, man! We want you around!" Will still doesn't say anything. Bailey asks Will to move in with Holly again. Will STILL doesn't say anything. Bailey wonders if maybe he's wrong and it's something else, but Will finally grabs the lifeline and says it's nothing. Bailey says he'll let Holly know that his mission was a success, and that he was able to verbally wrestle Will into submission, and that he didn't have to bring out the shackles just yet. If only Owen were so lucky.
At the club, Daphne and her friends are dancing while Kirsten sips a club soda with lime and sits at a table watching them. Kirsten's hair is down, and now I understand why she usually wears it pulled back. It's all flyaway and there is a weird shorter layer that is about chin length that just sticks straight out, and then there is the longer part. Yuck. Anyway, Daphne comes over, all exhausted from dancing and saying, "Oxygen, oxygen" and flapping her hands. Kirsten asks if she's accomplishing her goal of cutting loose and having a good time. Daphne says she hates her friends because they can dance and dance and never get tired. Kirsten points out that her friends are "professionals." Daphne thinks it has more to do with the hormone that entered her body when she started breast-feeding, "the one that makes [her] spark to topics like spit-up." Daphne decides to counteract it with more tequila. I'm assuming that she's not still breast-feeding, because you know Kirsten would be all over her for that. In case we didn't get the parallel plotline structure, even though they used it last week, Daphne tells Kirsten to get out on the dance floor before she turns into Daphne. Kirsten's all "Oh, I don't know" but she says it so that you know she wants to, but she wants someone to beg her. Daphne reaches into her back pockets and says her baby pictures are all wet. Ew! Ass sweat! Kirsten is watching the dancers so Daphne calls her attention to the wet pictures. Helpful Kirsten suggests she use the air dryer in the ladies' room. Daphne runs off, but first she stops and yells out that she's "helpless to stop herself" from worrying about her baby pictures on her night out with the girls. One of Daphne's friends, Dusty, catches Kirsten's eye and signals her out on the dance floor. Kirsten shakes her head and acts all reticent, but you can tell she is dying to go out there. Dusty boogies over and pulls Kirsten out there. Wow, Kirsten is a really bad dancer.
The reporter, whose name is Phoebe, is sitting on the Salinger's living room couch with Julia. She's played by Kimberly McCullough, who you may know as Robin from General Hospital or Eli's girlfriend on Once and Again. I haven't seen her on Once and Again, but I did watch her for years on GH, and boy has little Robin Scorpio grown up. Well, sort of. I mean, she's older and all, but she's got a really annoying Punky Brewster type hairstyle. Because she works on the web, she's hip, trendy and unprofessional. Anyway, in the fine Tori Spelling tradition of tertiary character praise, she says she wants to get the gushy part out of the way first. Phoebe tells Julia that if she had half the strength of Julia, she never would have let her boyfriend Henry get away with sleeping with her roommate and then blaming it on Phoebe. She admits that she hopes a little bit of it rubs off on her so she can go home and "kick his two-timing butt." Julia wants to make sure all the men reading the article are blinded by her beauty, so she asks about the photographer Phoebe mentioned. Phoebe's all, "Oh, yeah!" and pulls out a disposable camera to take a picture. Did I mention that she's unprofessional? It must be because she writes for a webzine instead of a "real" magazine. Anyway, Phoebe tells Julia to smile "like the hero she is," and Julia gives her a weak smile with eyebrows drawn together for that extra-special slightly constipated look that is all the rage in Milan this year. Phoebe starts off the interview by saying she already knows all about Ned, but she wonders what Julia is like now. Is she stronger, or does she still have "doormat moments," like Phoebe does with Henry. Because it's really professional to make the interview all about you. Julia starts to answer, and the doorbell rings. Julia excuses herself and opens the door to find Justin. Apparently, Julia's vibes don't work across international borders, but they do work across state lines, because Justin announces that he broke up with Laura. Did they ever get married? Justin explains that he came home to talk to his parents, and also to see Julia. There was an inexplicable force pulling him back to San Francisco, and driving him to her house, and telling him that Julia is the greatest woman in the world, and Laura is a big loser, and he should drop everything in his life and worship Julia, Julia, Julia. Well, he didn't quite say that, but he might as well have. Justin wonders what Julia thinks about getting back together, but before he can finish the sentence, Julia slams the door in his face. She turns around to find Phoebe totally eavesdropping, because in case you didn't get it, she's unprofessional. Phoebe continues the tertiary character praise by saying that Julia is really good.
Kirsten and Daphne and her posse are sitting around a table at the club, watching their friend Tai hit on some guy. Kirsten acts like she's never been in a club before, and asks how Tai will hit on the guy -- will she ask for his phone number or what? Tai leans over and just starts making out with the guy, and Kirsten is shocked that Tai didn't wait for the guy to make the first move. Daphne says, "That's our Tai! The original feminist" sarcastically. Kirsten can't believe how... and the girls take turn finishing the sentence with words like crazy, slutty and burnt out, but Kirsten says she meant free. Daphne says Kirsten is all whacked out on club soda. I think she's delirious from not eating in like a week. Kirsten offers up stripping as the perfect example of how free they all are. Kirsten wouldn't do it herself, of course, but not because she thinks it's wrong. It's because she's afraid. Daphne says that sometimes fear is a healthy emotion. Kirsten thinks that if she's afraid, then she isn't really free. And everybody wants to be closer to free. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Dusty asks if Kirsten feels a need to get naked in front of other people. Kirsten asks why not, and says that if the only reason she isn't doing it is because of what other people might think, then she's just like everyone else who follows the rules by getting married and having kids and never does anything out of line their whole life. Then she takes a sip of her club soda and thinks about having a snack consisting of one apple slice and a saltine.
Holly wakes up Will, who is sleeping on the couch in her apartment. She has carried in a tray with breakfast on it, and starts speaking in a really weird voice, like she's trying to be sexy or something. She thought they could celebrate their first morning of "co-habitational bliss" with breakfast in bed. Will just stares at her. Holly asks him what's wrong with his neck, and a shot of Will shows that there's nothing wrong with his neck, but if that were true, then Holly wouldn't be able to get up and give him a neck rub, which she does. Will looks extremely uncomfortable at the nearness of Holly, and Holly babbles about how they are studying this muscle group, and comments on how tense he is. Bailey walks in, of course, and Will leaps off the couch, like that's not suspicious. Will looks at his watch and says he's late for the shower. Holly's all, "What about your breakfast?" like she and Bailey couldn't just eat it. Will grabs the plate and starts to take off, but Bailey calls him back in to sit down, and then proceeds to ignore him. Bailey tells Holly he came by to confirm tonight, like he couldn't do that with a phone call. Holly talks about how it's a "celestial convergence" because they are both free to go out. Yeah, usually Bailey's so busy pestering Will at work or carrying Holly's books to class. They start kissing and Will just eats his breakfast as quickly as possible. Suddenly, Bailey remembers that Will is in the room and asks him to join them tonight, even though Holly just made a huge point of mentioning that she and Bailey never get any time alone. Will refuses, saying he needs to get settled in, and Holly says it's another "big, fat excuse." Cut the guy some slack, here. Even if he wasn't in love with Holly, can you blame him for not wanting to sit there and watch you guys make out? Bailey says that Holly is right and tells Will to call Meredith and they'll make it a party.
Julia and Phoebe are getting coffee in a coffeehouse. Julia is filling Phoebe in on the backstory with Justin, and how he asked her to break up his wedding and then went ahead and married Laura anyway. So they are married! Now, Justin has the nerve to show up on her doorstep and expect something, like Julia didn't summon him with her magical powers. Julia wonders if she did the right thing by blowing him off. Phoebe continues to praise Julia, but Julia doesn't want to recommend slamming doors in guys' faces to Phoebe's readers. Phoebe thinks this is a "special circumstance" because Justin has been "taking advantage" of her for months, and that's not how friends should act. Julia isn't quite comfortable with this characterization of Justin. Phoebe continues to make it all about her, by saying that Justin is just like her ex-boyfriend, Jack. Every time one of Jack's flings didn't work out, he would come crying to Phoebe, and she would sleep with him anyway. Julia doesn't think that really applies, because Justin is different. First, it wasn't just a fling -- he married Laura. And also, Justin "kind of loves [her]" which makes it so hard when he wants her to talk about her feelings, because she kind of loves him too. If she uses the word "riff" or "destiny," I'm quitting. I don't care if there are only two episodes left. Phoebe thought she loves Jack, too, and she continues to talk over Julia, saying, "If he breaks your heart with his selfishness, don't be sorry for breaking his face with your door." I wonder if I can get that embroidered onto a pillow.
Claudia is working on a laptop that I hope is Julia's, because I refuse to believe that this allegedly poverty-stricken family can afford multiple laptops. Todd knocks on the door and then covers his eyes, saying that Victor told him to come right up, and asks if she's decent, while adding, "I hope not." Todd is starting to bug me. All he does lately is gaze at Claudia with this zombie-like grin on his face. I think he's stoned all the time. Anyway, Claudia wonders what he's doing there, and Todd says he knows she has work to do, but he wanted to come and offer a study break. Claudia asks if he ever has homework, but Todd claims he already did it, and he missed her. He asks for thirty minutes so that he can take her out for ice cream. Claudia looks tempted, but says she has to rewrite her paper. Todd looks at the computer and says that the paper is already finished. Didn't she just say she needs to RE-write it? That means it was already written once. Claudia acts all nervous and says that she isn't finished yet, and closes the laptop so that he can't read any more. Todd tells her she is unbelievable. It's about time someone besides Julia got some tertiary character praise. She's smart and talented and beautiful, and he doesn't know what she's doing with him. This praise convinces Claudia that she has time for a study break after all, and they leave.
Kirsten is looking in the mirror, brushing the one strand of hair she has left. Charlie tells her that the "program" tonight is that she will entertain Martine while he works on Chuck. Kirsten warns him that she might nod off when Marine starts talking about gardening. Charlie tells her she "loves that stuff" and reminds her that Martine convinced her to get that "hydrogen plant" that she "killed." Kirsten corrects him, saying it was a "hydrangea" that she "dried," but then interrupts herself to say that her point is that maybe they should do something more exciting than go to a restaurant all the time. Daphne and her friends are going to some "crazy rock opera theater." Like Hair? Or Tommy? Do people actually still put on rock operas? Anyway, Charlie thinks she must be kidding, because Chuck and Martine are not the rock theater types. Kirsten points out that they could be dreading the dinner too. Charlie is still skeptical. Kirsten says that he would be surprised by what people want to do. Charlie says that some other night they can go out and get crazy, but Kirsten doesn't think it will ever happen. Maybe Kirsten should start finding ways to be happy on her own, instead of doing what she has done in the past few episodes, which include begging Charlie to work less often, and then stressing out over possible harm to her unborn child. I think Kirsten needs a hobby. Not stripping.
Julia comes running down the stairs at Casa Salinger when the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find annoying Phoebe, who wonders if she got the time wrong. Julia doesn't know what time it is, and Phoebe tells her it's 8:30. Julia can't believe it's 8:30 already. Phoebe's deadline is the day, but she offers to come back the morning because it looks like she just woke Julia up. Julia looks perfectly composed, but it's supposed to be a hint that Julia has been spending time in bed, and not alone, if you catch my drift. And I think you do. They start to make plans for the morning, and Justin walks out in the hallway to ask if Julia wants some more of that leftover Thai food. Phoebe gives Julia a look like, "No more tertiary character praise for you." Julia tells her to wait, but Phoebe bails. Run, Phoebe, run! Back to Once and Again.
Will, Meredith, Holly and Bailey are at Salinger's. Holly is talking about Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire, like nice timely pop culture reference. Not. Anyway, Holly is all against it, saying that it's unreasonable and the women were parading around like beauty contestants. Bailey says that people meet in weird ways all the time, like at bars or parties, or blind dates. He remembers that Will and Meredith met on a blind date, and they are still together. Will and Meredith are silent. Bailey's all, "Right?" because he has to make an uncomfortable moment even worse. Meredith finally says that they are not still together, and then asks Will if he told them they were. Will says he didn't, and that Bailey and Holly wanted to see Meredith, so he set it up. Meredith apologizes, but Bailey kept saying "you guys," as if she and Will were still together. Then she apologizes for bringing the conversation to an uncomfortable halt, and then excuses herself to use the ladies' room. Bailey and Holly take this opportunity to grill Will about how long it's been since they broke up, and why didn't he tell them, since they are the centers of the universe. Will says it's been about a week. Bailey claims that Will could have turned them down if it was going to be uncomfortable for him, like Will didn't try to do that fifty ways from Sunday. Bailey says he didn't want Will to be uncomfortable. Will's all, "Oh, you don't?" Bailey wonders what that's supposed to mean. Will says he doesn't belong there, and he married Holly so that Bailey and Holly could stay together. Why don't you yell it out in the middle of a crowded restaurant, Will? Oh wait, he just did. Will says that Bailey and Holly are working so hard to make him comfortable, but he's not, and the only thing worse than being in his position is pretending that he's not. Will says he's going to find Meredith and take her home, but they should stay and do whatever they want, since that's what they always do. Sars breathes a sigh of relief that Will didn't use the phrase "third wheel."
Kirsten walks into her living room and opens the drapes, letting the sun shine in on a clearly hung-over Daphne, who groans. Kirsten asks if Daphne had fun last night, and Daphne says she had "a little too much" and then, as she sits up, amends that to, "a lot too much." Kirsten keeps opening drapes, even though the light is painful to Daphne. Insensitive, much? Daphne spies some dry toast on the counter, and grabs some. It wouldn't be a scene with Kirsten if there weren't food in it. Plus, was Kirsten expecting company for breakfast? There's like eight pieces of toast, plus a bunch of other stuff, for just her and Daphne. Kirsten wants more details on the evening, but Daphne says she missed nothing. All this time Daphne's been feeling bad about missing out on her friends' lives, but it turns out she was only missing watching her friends "pay too much for drinks they really don't need and pick up guys they don't really want." Plus, she hasn't missed the "cottonmouth and jackhammer head and dry heaves." This reminds me of my friend's bachelorette party, when we went to this insanely crowded club, and people were bumping into us and spilling their drinks on us and screaming, and my friend turned to me and said, "SO glad I'm getting married. So I don't have to do this anymore." Suddenly, Daphne brightens and says she needs "a hit off" her beautiful daughter, which seems like a strange turn of phrase but I guess they're trying to say babies are like drugs, or something. She asks what's wrong with Kirsten, and Kirsten replies that at least Daphne had it once, so she knows what she's missing. Didn't Kirsten go to college? What did she do, study all the time? She's never been out to a club with friends before?
Will wakes up on the couch in Holly's apartment, and grabs his towel off the couch and heads for the shower. Why was his towel on the couch? I guess the writers thought we needed that visual cue to know that Will was headed for the shower, as if the noise of the shower itself wasn't enough. As Will gets closer, he hears what we've been hearing all along: the noise of the shower running. Will stops and then slowly walks towards the bathroom. Holly has left the door open and has a see-through shower curtain, so Will peeks in for a moment, then catches himself and pulls back, and then runs away. If I didn't know better, I'd think Holly is trying to get Will to hit on her. Between the "neck massages" and the "accidentally leaving the door open while in the shower," it seems pretty fishy.
Julia walks into an office and finds Phoebe sitting at a desk. I don't know what webzine Phoebe works for, but it's pretty plush. After Phoebe minimizes all the windows on her computer screen by pressing some magic key, Julia launches into an explanation of why she's there. She knows Phoebe must be thinking poorly of her for being with Justin, and if Julia's going to be in the article, she wants to set a good example. Hey, Julia, why don't you just write the article for her? You know you want to. Julia explains that Justin came over and he was practically in tears, and even though that sounds lame, he was really upset because he talked to his wife and they both realized they made a terrible mistake. Isn't it convenient that Laura goes along with this, so that Julia doesn't have to feel like a homewrecker? Phoebe says it sounds sad. Julia says she listened to Justin and all of the things she was angry about "faded away" and that means something. And, in an unprecedented display of TMI, Julia says that "one thing led to another." Did she really have to tell the reporter she slept with Justin? Phoebe asks the question all the viewers are thinking: "Why are you telling me all this?" Then she points out that Justin has nothing to do with the article. Julia says she saw the expression on Phoebe's face when she left, and she knows that Justin being there made her look weak. Phoebe says it's none of her business (now, she admits this?), but wonders why, if Julia's so sure about being with this guy, she has to do so much explaining.
Claudia's teacher is handing back the papers, and berating the class for their poor work. Where did the writers of these shows go to high school, Communist Russia? Between this show and Dawson's Creek, I have never seen such mean teachers. Anyway, this teacher says she always dreads teaching Romeo and Juliet because some people might rent "the Leo film" but most of them don't bother reading the play at all. She gets to Claudia, and says that her paper was "college-level writing." Claudia just looks scared. The teacher says she's proud of her. All the other kids plot to beat Claudia up at recess. She tells the class they have a test week on Much Ado About Nothing. What kind of high school do these kids go to where the teacher expects them to read a Shakespearean play in a week, and yet is surprised to see college-level writing?
Daphne and Kirsten walk into the back room at the strip club. Dusty asks what they thought of her performance, and Kirsten is gushing about how she had the audience in the palm of her hand. Daphne is all derogatory about the performance, which is kind of annoying since she used to be a stripper herself. But we all know Daphne's only purpose on this show is to further Kirsten's so-called plotline, so I don't know why I bother complaining. Anyway, Kirsten wants to know how it felt to be in control of all those men, and Daphne interjects that she saw a guy in the corner putting on a show of his own. Dusty opens her locker and Kirsten asks if those are her costumes. Dusty says she makes her own, and sometimes sells them to the other girls. Kirsten pulls one out and holds it up in front of herself while looking in the mirror. Dusty asks her if she wants to buy one to add a little spice into her marriage. The mental image from that suggestion just made me hurl. Excuse me while I brush my teeth. Okay, I'm back. Dusty asks Kirsten if she wants to try the stage. Kirsten is all reticent, but she clearly wants to, just like at the dance club. Daphne is all shocked that Kirsten is even considering it, and tells Dusty to help her talk Kirsten out of it. Kirsten just keeps looking in the mirror, and doesn't give an answer.
Julia and Justin are walking down the street, holding hands. Justin notes that it's weird that they were apart for so long and now they're back together. Julia think it's weird as well. Justin says it feels good and right to him. Julia asks if it bothers him how easy it all was, and that she just saw him and fell into bed with him. Obviously, Julia can't just let Justin have a minute of peace. First, she was begging him to leave his wife for her, and now that he has, she can't let him just enjoy that either. Justin says it doesn't bother him. Julia thinks they should have talked about the last few months and about Laura. Justin says they talked all night. Julia says they talked about his side, but not hers. Justin put her "through hell" by asking what she thought about his marriage, and then when she was honest with him, he went ahead and got married anyway, and then asked her to break up his wedding. She feels like she's being weak. Justin admits that he was wrong, but that he was confused and made a mistake, and he wonders where all of this is coming from because she seemed to be ready to let all this go. Julia thinks they are just jumping into bed together because they are both on the rebound. Is Julia ever not on the rebound? She's always just ending one relationship and starting a new one. Justin points out that they talked about it and they want to be together. Julia asks if they want to be or need to be. Justin doesn't know why it matters, and why they have to pick everything apart, because she sounds like she's trying to talk herself out of it. Julia says it's better to talk herself out of it than talk herself into it. That reminds me of a mug my friend's dad had that said, "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on."
Bailey comes downstairs where Will is shackled to the wall. No signs of Owen. Bailey says Holly told him Will hasn't been by the apartment all day. Will knows that, but his stuff is all over there, so if the agent stops by, Holly can just say he's at a friend's house, then call him and he'll hop a cab over there. Bailey says it won't work. Will reminds him that he doesn't want to be there. Bailey can't let it go, so he says it doesn't make any sense because Will's his best friend and Holly is nuts about Will also. Will tells Bailey to stop, and then says he tried so hard to stop it from happening, and tried not to feel it, and then he tried not to move in. He was trying not to be where he'd have to be tempted. Bailey's all, "What are you...?" Will continues, saying that it happens sometimes when you spend time with someone. Bailey still hasn't caught on. Will says he would have ignored it, and let it "wear off," but Bailey kept pushing them together. I thought Bailey was going to misunderstand and think that something really did happen between Will and Holly, instead of it all being one-sided. Bailey finally catches on, and says, "Wait a minute, you're not saying... cooooome oooooon" and practically starts crying. I don't see what the big deal is for Bailey. Shouldn't he be kind of flattered that Will thinks his girlfriend is a hottie? Will says he knows it's messed up and that he didn't want it to happen. Bailey yells, "But it did happen, didn't it?" Will yells back that he can't control it. Bailey says he can, and that he shouldn't even think about that, shouldn't even consider it. Kind of like Bailey shouldn't even think about drinking? Will points out that his job was to "study this woman like homework." Bailey tells him he should have found a way if he wanted to be a good friend, and leaves.
Claudia is checking out Phoebe's webzine on the laptop while Julia lounges on the bed and annoys her. Or that's my interpretation. Julia tells her to scan the article for her name, because really, that's the only important thing. Claudia must have a DSL connection, because in about two seconds she scans both page one and page two, but finds no mention of Julia. It's all about "Uta Pflug," a female body builder. Julia asks what's up with Uta, and Claudia says Uta is going to take back her boyfriend, but he can't cheat on her anymore. Julia asks what the article had to say about that. Claudia reads more of the article, which says that Uta doesn't follow the rules, but instead remakes them when something is important to her. Julia says she remade the rules and got cut out of the article. Maybe because the world doesn't revolve around Julia? She wonders why it's strong for someone else, but weak for her. Claudia comments that she should see the woman's pecs.
Charlie walks into the apartment to find Kirsten reading on the bed. Charlie asks why she's in bed, and Kirsten says it's been a long day. Does she even work anymore? Charlie tells her he got tickets to the "rock theater" like she wanted, and he thought they were going to go out and be wild because it was so important to her. Kirsten says they could go out, but she changed her mind. He asks if she wants to just crash instead. I don't really want to describe the rest of this scene because it might be the worst thing I have ever witnessed on this show, but I'm contractually obligated to continue. Kirsten says she wants to just take a hot bath together. Wait, it gets worse. Charlie says he'll go run the tub and walks out, then asks if she wants bubbles. No, there's more. Kirsten starts to unbutton her jeans. No, that's not even the bad part. As she unbuttons her jeans, a five-dollar bill falls out of her pants and flutters to the floor in slow motion. In other words, she did go through with the stripping, but for some reason, the money from last night ended up tucked in her jeans from today, which makes no sense whatsoever. But I'm looking at this logistically because I don't even want to think about how stupid it is that Kirsten stripped. In front of people. And they supposedly gave her money. Let's just end it. She picks up the money and smiles, and then tucks it in her pocket.
Todd comes into Claudia's room, where she is doing homework. He wonders if she's okay because she canceled a session. She can't believe he came all the way over there to check on her. Poor Todd. Claudia keeps making him prove himself to her. Maybe if he had more than one facial expression, she could understand his feelings better. Anyway, he asks what's going on. Claudia thinks it sounds stupid, but she failed her Much Ado exam. Actually, she just didn't show up for it, because she thought that she should make up for the paper she..but she cuts herself off before revealing her cheating. Anyway, the point is that she can't do this anymore. All the school and sessions and parties and after-parties are too much for her. She doesn't know how Todd does it, but she can't continue to keep up with him. She was worried that if she didn't, she would be left behind. Todd tells her that she probably has to study. Claudia does, and Todd gets up and starts pulling things out of his bag. Claude asks what he's doing, and Todd says he's going to study too. Claudia reminds him that he'll miss his session. Todd says, "For a really smart person, you've not very smart sometimes." Claude doesn't get it, so Todd continues, "The only thing I don't want to miss is being with you. How could you not know that by now?" He gives her that weird half-smile again and then tries to take off his jacket while still sitting in the chair, which results in a strange struggle, like could they cut the scene already?
Bailey comes into Will's office, and Will gets off the phone. Then they just stare at each other for like ten minutes, when clearly it is Bailey who should be initiating this conversation. It's like when people call you on the phone and then sit there and wait for you to start talking. They called you! The conversational burden is on them. Anyway, Bailey finally starts talking, by informing Will that Holly said he didn't come home last night. Like Will doesn't know if he came home or not. Will says that, all things considered, he thought it best to stay with his parents, and he feels terrible for lying, for telling Bailey, and for having the feelings in the first place. Bailey says he doesn't have to explain. Bailey understands, because he's crazy about Holly, so why wouldn't someone else be? You see? That's what I'm saying. Will wants to know if Bailey is mad, and Bailey says he isn't. Will asks if Bailey told Holly, and Bailey didn't. Will says he'll tell her then. Bailey wants to know why he should. Will thinks Holly might want to know why he suddenly isn't living with her anymore. Bailey says he is still going to live with her. Will doesn't get it. Bailey explains that Will is married to Holly, and that's how it works. Will tries to protest, but Bailey says he trusts him. Will tries pointing out that living with Holly is really painful for him, but Bailey is having none of it. If the INS finds out that Holly lied, she'll be deported and Will goes to jail. Will thinks there must be a way out, given the circumstances. What, because he has a little crush on Holly? Bailey says they just have to learn to live with it.
Julia comes over to Justin's house, carrying a bag. She was at the grocery store, and she wanted something "dessert-y," so she bought a container of "Triple Fudge Chunk," which she pulls out of the bag. She was standing in line and feeling guilty, and she couldn't figure out why. It's yogurt, so it's got calcium and protein, and it's practically fat-free, so why did she feel guilty? Then she figured out it was because she wanted it. She feels like giving in to something she wants makes her weak. But after thinking about it, she realized that it might be the opposite, that going after what she wants makes her strong. Justin starts kissing her, because he realizes this means he's going to get some nookie. Julia asks if he still has a television in his bedroom, because there's a "stupid game show" on. Justin says he'll get some spoons, but Julia says she already has some. He starts tickling her and then chases her up the stairs and suddenly Justin lives in a church because there are huge stained-glass windows on the stairway. Anyway, only two episodes left!