Will and Holly are all gussied up, standing in front of a judge, about to be married. Bailey is serving as Best Man, and he's the only guest. Don't they need two witnesses, or is that just something they make up for television? ["Maybe in other states you do, but in California you only need one. Glark and I were married in the County Recorder's office in picturesque (not) Norwalk, and our sole witness was Darth Slacker." -- Wing Chun] The judge tells Will and Holly that "marriage is a solemn estate" and asks if they have anything to say to each other. They each glance around uncomfortably, and finally Will manages, "You look nice." The judge starts the ceremony, and eventually pronounces "William Bradley McCorkle and Holly Marie Baggins" husband and wife. Holly Baggins? I think they're making a movie about her brother, Bilbo. The judge says he'll go sign the papers. He pops back in and tells Will to kiss Holly. They look at each other and then kiss, awkwardly. Will keeps his eyes open the whole time. When they do more than a peck (and come on, they have to fool the judge, right?), Bailey clears his throat, like that one kiss is going to make Holly throw Bailey aside for Will. Insecure much, Bay? He pulls Will back and says, "Down, boy." The judge returns with the certificate, so Bailey, Will and Holly walk out to the hallway.
In the hallway, Will and Holly are still holding hands. Bailey asks Holly for a kiss "for the Best Man." Holly turns him down because the INS takes these things very seriously and they could be "anywhere." She points out that if they get caught, she'll get deported and Will could go to jail. Will gets all nervous at mention of "the j-word" and starts imagining that random people in the hallway are INS spies. He is especially suspicious of a janitor who walks by a cigarette butt without picking it up. Dude, maybe he's just lazy. Holly pulls Will closer, and the trio walk out of the courthouse. Holly glances down at her marriage certificate and reads the state motto of California, which is, "Everybody wants to be closer to free."
Charlie and Kirsten are inspecting the new crib he built for the baby. Charlie starts babbling about curved slats and safety. Kirsten wonders if they should be making things for the baby already, and says that this is why they haven't told their families yet. Because they have curved slats? Oh, she means because it's not safe. Charlie doesn't think making the crib could harm the baby in any way. Kirsten says he knows what she means, because things could still go wrong and it makes her nervous. Kirsten scrunches up her face like Charlie farted and it smells really bad. She says that having the crib there so early makes her feel like they are "tempting the gods." Kirsten is a pagan? Charlie thinks, "Silly woman, with your foolish ways," or that's what the expression on his face says.
In her apartment, Holly is talking to some guy in a suit. Will and Bailey enter laughing, but shut up when they see the guy. Holly says she's surprised they are back, and introduces them to Agent Lawrence from INS. Holly presents Will as her husband and Bailey as their friend. The agent says he was just paying them a visit, and flashes his badge at Will and Bailey, like they wouldn't have believed him without it. Holly says Will and Bailey are on their way to a party, and Bailey says, "That birthday thing." Will just continues to stare at Agent Lawrence. Bailey says that Will forgot the present, and Holly picks up a bowl off the table and says she forgot to wrap it, and hands it to Bailey. Agent Lawrence observes that Bailey must be a close friend, since he has his own set of keys and all. Bailey's all, "Keys? What keys? These keys? These are...these are...Will's keys!" Yeah, they're not acting suspicious at all. Bailey tries to hand the keys to Will, who is still staring at the agent. Finally, Bailey says, "Will, take your keys!" and Will breaks out of his coma. The agent says he'll see them the day after tomorrow. Holly informs everyone that the agent wants to interview them. As the agent leaves, he says that some people get married just to circumvent the immigration laws. The Terrible Trio is all, "No way!" as the agent says he's sure it's not an issue with them, ha ha. After he leaves, all three breathe a big sigh of relief, as if they did a good job with their subterfuge.
The doorbell rings at Casa Salinger, and Julia answers it to find Adam standing there. She's surprised to see him, since he's supposed to be in Mexico, but he says he just got back. They walk inside, and Adam starts talking, but Julia stops him because she dictates all conversation in the Salinger household. She tells Adam that he doesn't get to say anything because he didn't take the time to discuss moving to a Mexican commune before he left. Adam says it was more of an artists' colony than a commune. Tell the truth, Adam. It's just a big house with a lot of people with no jobs. Anyway, Adam adds that he's moving to Mexico permanently. Julia is surprised to hear this, because that means her female superpowers don't extend across international borders. Now that Adam's back, he has fallen under her spell once again, so he tells Julia that he was wrong to take off without talking to her, and he wants to spend as much time with her as possible before he leaves.
In Holly's apartment, Will is freaking out and saying that they should just turn themselves in and beg for mercy, because they are never going to be able to convince the INS agent that the marriage is real. Holly thinks it will be fine. Will points out that if they get caught, he'll never be able to run for elected office. Will, you'll never be able to run for elected office, period. Well, I guess he could run, but he certainly wouldn't get elected. Bailey says, "Will, can we worry about your political career after you move out of my basement?" Ha! Holly says they knew it would happen, just not so soon. Bailey points out that they have forty-eight hours to get to know one another as well as a real couple would. Will continues freaking out. Bailey comes up with a grand plan. Since Holly's his girlfriend and Will's his best friend, they both know Bailey really well. So, whenever Holly is asked a question about Will, she should answer how she would answer for Bailey, and Will should answer like Bailey would answer. If it seems way more complicated than it needs to be, that's because it is. Will still needs to learn all about Holly though, but Bailey can help with that.
Julia and Claudia do dishes. This is the only housework I've ever seen any Salinger do. Can't they just spring for a dishwasher? Claude is zoning out, and Julia snaps her out of it. Claudia says she had an amazing dream that involved Todd letting her drive his car, and then the car was flying, and then he gave her a heart-shaped key from his chest and said he loved her. Then there was a train going through a tunnel, and then a shot of the Washington Monument, and then a rocket blasting off, and then a geyser exploding. Claudia thinks it was an incredible dream. Julia brings her down by pointing out that it was just a dream. Claudia is still caught up in the dream, so Julia points out that Claude shouldn't get so caught up in something she wishes Todd said. Jeez, Julia, can't you let Claudia be happy for five minutes?
Charlie and Bailey are in the factory and going to "inspect the line." Bailey is telling Charlie that something is not a disaster. Maybe he's talking about the show? Because he's wrong. Bailey reveals that he's talking about the fact that they are a week or two behind in their deliveries, which wouldn't be so bad, except that it's getting worse. Last week they were only six days behind, and now they are eight days behind. Charlie wants to talk to the foreman, Mitch, about the problem. Then there's a really boring discussion of the assembly line and throughput and bottlenecks and I zone out for a while. When I come back, I figure out that Charlie has an idea of how to run the line so that it's more productive, but Mitch doesn't want to try it. Basically, it's a big pissing match between Charlie and Mitch. Normally, I would always take the opposite side of Charlie, but he is the owner, so it seems like he should automatically win. Bailey tries to get Mitch to look at the big picture. Mitch says he was hired away from his last job for his expertise, and that they promised him "no micromanagement." Charlie gets the last word by telling Mitch just to do it.
Julia is in the library, writing something. Adam finds her and mocks the fact that she's writing about eighteenth-century literary criticism. Julia agrees that it's a lame topic, by saying, "Writing is hard enough, but writing about how other people wrote about writing just seems like so much writing." I'm not making that quote up. Adam asks her to come to Mexico with him. He details the things Julia would love about San Miguel -- cobblestone streets, two learning institutes full of creative people, great coffee that's like mud. Mmm, muddy coffee. I'm there! Julia says she can't go because of school. Adam says he can get her into his workshop in Mexico, and she'll get credit for it. That seems pretty unlikely, but what do I know? Julia points out her other responsibilities, like her family. What responsibilities? She never takes care of Owen. The only thing I've ever seen her do is wash dishes and get groceries, and it's not like someone else couldn't handle those two tasks. Adam tells her to come for a month, or just a week, and once she comes she won't want to leave. Julia thinks it sounds nice and Adam says it will be, if she's there. Plus, since she now knows her powers don't extend over the border, she'll be able to keep Adam under her control.
Will is looking in Holly's medicine cabinet, ostensibly to learn more details about her for their INS interview. Bailey comes in and is all, "What are you doing?". Will talks about the things he needs to find out about Holly, and mentions specifically what kind of toothpaste she uses, or whether she uses barrettes or hair pins. Bailey points out that he doesn't even know those things. Yeah, but Bailey and Holly aren't married or even living together. I wonder if you know TOO much about your partner, if that's a tip-off to the INS as well. I guess they didn't think of that one. While rummaging around, Will cuts his finger on something and Holly runs in to bandage it up for him, because she's a medical student and all. Like any normal person doesn't know how to put on a Band-Aid. Bailey asks Holly to confirm that Will doesn't need to know every single thing about her, and comments that the thing they know, Will is going to poke around in Holly's underwear drawer. Holly and Will look at each other like "Ah ha!" and Holly tells Will to add that one to the list. Bailey walks out, disgusted. Holly starts bandaging Will's figure in a setup that screams out, "Manufactured closeness to initiate Will's attraction." Holly starts telling Will how bad she feels that he's so stressed out and it's all for her. Will thinks he's just being a coward. Holly says that she's in awe of him, and that it's humbling to think that someone would do this for her, because she doesn't know if she could do it. Holly must have been taking lessons at the Julia Salinger School of Feminine Wiles, because Will is obviously falling in love with her.
Julia is actually in class for once, with a different professor than the one Adam "humiliated" two weeks ago. The professor is lecturing about Jane Eyre, and she says, "Message: Don't get bogged down by rules and mores. Fly. Follow your urges. Listen to your hearts. That's the way to true prolific freedom and creative fulfillment. Not to mention a very hot love life." Maybe if Adam had taken this class, he wouldn't have had his big rebellion against "the rules." ["Having been an English student, I have to comment that no professor would ever dictate what the message of a novel is. It's a university course, not a book of Cliff's Notes, for God's sake, besides which, just about every novel contains at least one theme about freedom, so that comment is totally meaningless. My point is, this scene, and especially this prof, suck." -- Wing Chun]
Charlie is hanging up the phone and Kirsten walks in and asks who it was. I would criticize her nosiness, but I do this all the time and I annoy myself. Charlie says it was the travel agent, who wanted to let them know they would have to pay a cancellation fee. For what? What travel agent? What trip? How hard would it have been to mention in the crib scene that Charlie and Kirsten were planning a trip? I hate this show. Anyway, Kirsten forgot to tell Charlie that she canceled their trip. Charlie is disappointed. Kirsten thought it would be nice just to stay home and relax. Charlie says that if he is home, the factory can find him and drag him into work. No, they can't! Unplug the phone! Don't answer the door! That is the lamest excuse. Charlie also mentions that they were planning on going to Carmel, and that this was supposed to be their weekend to spend time together. Kirsten finally admits that the reason she doesn't want to go away is that she is nervous to be so far away from her doctor in case something happens. Charlie worries that Kirsten is going to become a shut-in, because she's afraid to leave the house. Kirsten says it's one thing to go out to dinner or a movie, but another thing to go all the way to Carmel. Charlie repeats that if he goes out locally, he can still get "dragged in" to work. I'm picturing the factory workers hog-tying Charlie and dragging him through the streets of San Francisco, and it's actually a pretty satisfying image. Kirsten says the reason she is so worried about her pregnancy is because she has waited longer and worked harder for this than anything in her life, so why take any chances?
Claudia and Todd are studying in a coffeehouse. Claudia mentions that it's nice just being there, studying together. Then I guess she decides it's not so nice, because she asks if he wants to go for a drive. Todd is all practical, asking, "Where?" Claudia says they can go anywhere. Todd agrees, but wants to finish his chapter first. What sixteen-year-old guy would rather finish a chapter than go for a drive (and potentially parking) with his hottie girlfriend? Claude pushes to make her dream come true by asking if she can drive. Todd makes the excuse that his insurance only covers him, because of his lease. Claudia claims that Todd doesn't think she's a good driver. Does she even have her license? Have we ever seen her drive at all? Claude thinks it boils down to Todd not trusting her, which he claims to do. Claudia says that she trusts Todd completely because he's her boyfriend and she loves him, and if she had a car, she would let him drive it. Not that she's making a sexual metaphor or anything. Even though Claudia just dropped the L-bomb, Todd doesn't respond. Claudia gets all flustered and starts gathering up her books to leave. Todd calls after her, but she keeps going out the door.
Charlie walks into the office he's sharing with Bailey at the factory. Bailey asks him to sign some contracts and checks. Is Bailey a consultant or an accountant? Charlie asks Bailey to draw up a severance package for Mitch, the guy with whom Charlie argued earlier. Bailey wants to know why Mitch is being let go, and Charlie says it's because Mitch dared to question his superior Salinger intellect. Bailey thinks it might be better to try to work things out instead of throwing away money on a severance package, and offers to go talk to Mitch. Charlie acts all condescending and says Bailey doesn't know "a dowel from a spindle." Bailey retorts that he knows a "paycheck from a pink slip". Charlie says that Mitch needs to run the line faster, or they will start losing orders, and the business will go bankrupt. The implication is that if Mitch would only do what Charlie wants, the line would go faster, which Charlie doesn't know to be true. Bailey wants to know who will run the line if they let Mitch go. Charlie says he will do it, because he is, he is, he is Superman and he can do anything. Bailey wants to know who will run the business while Charlie is running the line and Charlie shows his business-planning acumen by claiming that they will "figure it out." Bailey says they don't have time to figure it out because they have chairs that were due more than a week ago, and people will start canceling their orders. Also, Charlie is in not, in fact, Superman, and he cannot, in fact, do everything, which is why Charlie hired Mitch in the first place, not to mention Bailey.
Julia comes over to Adam's apartment to tell him that she's coming with him to Mexico, but only for a month. Adam claims that once she is there, she won't want to leave, and wonders why she changed her mind. Julia says something really dumb that essentially amounts to this: She wants to experience life in order to write about it. Adam loves this answer so much that he hugs her and asks when she can leave. Julia says she met with the Dean that afternoon and got the okay to take time off. Okay, that does not happen. It is way too late in the semester to just bail out now, without heavy financial penalty anyway. But the Dean must be male, and Julia bent his will with her superpowers. Anyway, Julia says she also has to tell her family, and Adam hugs her again.
In the factory, Charlie is explaining to the workers how to set up the line according to his wishes. Mitch comes up and is all, "What's going on?" Charlie starts to explain, but Mitch tells him to stop because he's heard the plan plenty of times. Mitch feels that if he's in Charlie's way, Charlie should just come out and say it. Charlie denies that's how he feels. Mitch says that Charlie wouldn't be interrupting the line if he thought Mitch was doing a good job. Charlie claims it can't hurt to try his method, and if it doesn't work, they can go back to Mitch's plan. Mitch claims that Charlie doesn't trust him. What are they, boyfriend and girlfriend? This whole storyline is so lame. Who cares about the assembly line? Anyway, Mitch says that Charlie has just set him up to fail, so he quits.
Bailey is studying in Holly's apartment and Will walks in. Bailey comments that Will has his own keys now. Yeah, maybe Bailey missed it but Holly and Will are MARRIED. Will asks if Bailey's going to be around for a while, which Bailey is. Will and Holly are going to be working on questions for their interview, but if Bailey is quiet, it should work out. Bailey looks offended. Will wants Bay to help with some questions. Holly talked to a friend who went through an INS interview, and got some sample questions. Should Holly really be telling people she's in a sham marriage? Will asks what side of the bed Holly sleeps on. Bailey replies left. Is that the left if you are standing looking at the bed, or the left if you're in the bed? That's my question. Will says, "That puts me on the right." Bailey says it actually puts him on the right. Again with the insecurity. Will asks what Holly's favorite sexual position is. Do they really ask that? Bailey can't believe it either. Will says it's on the list, and starts to chuckle about some of the other questions on there. Bailey asks what he's laughing about. Will talks about a question regarding their worst fight, and Holly put down something that Bailey did at her cousin's house. If Holly's from England, why does she have so many relatives in the U.S.? I mean, I can understand a few, but remember at that wedding when she had a million relatives? And couldn't she live with one of them to save money so she doesn't have to work full time and lose her student visa? These are the kinds of things I wonder when my mind wanders during this show, which is often. Also, wouldn't Bailey and Holly's worst fight be when Bailey showed up at her apartment drunk and she slammed the door on him? Anyway, Bailey is offended that Holly told Will about the thing at the cousin's house, because he wasn't hitting on anyone. Will says he knows how Bailey is, and admonishes him for doing something like that. Bailey says he doesn't want to talk about it. Well, that's helpful.
Julia is packing in her room when Claudia asks to come in. Julia covers up the evidence that she is leaving while Claudia enters. Claude needs to talk to Julia, and Julia needs to talk to Claudia. Julia tells Claude to go first. Claudia wrote a letter to Todd telling him she wants to break up. Julia asks what happened. Claudia strokes Julia's ego some more by saying that she was right about the dream just being what Claude wanted to happen. Claudia relates how she asked to drive Todd's car and then said she loved him, and everything went horribly wrong, and that even if she feels that way, obviously Todd doesn't. Julia tries to indoctrinate Claudia into the Feminine Wiles school, and asks if she said she loved Todd because she really loves him, or because she wanted to hear him say it back. Claude admits that it was a little of both. Julia says Claude should be proud of herself for being able to admit her feelings. Claude asks what she should do and Julia asks her what she wants to do. Claudia thinks for a minute and then consults with the writers on their plans for the series finale. They tell her that Claudia and Todd are definitely still together in the finale, so Claudia tears up the letter. Then, because Claudia is the one Salinger who sometimes thinks about other people, she asks Julia what she wanted to talk about. Julia says it was nothing.
Bailey finds Holly at the grocery store. Holly wonders where Will is, because they were supposed to go over favorite foods. Bailey asks why Holly told Will about their fight. Um, because the INS guy might ask about it? Where has Bailey been? Holly basically says the same thing. Bailey wonders if there is anything about their relationship that Holly would protect. Maybe she would protect their ability to stay on the same continent? Holly says there isn't time to start making things up because the interview is in three hours. Bailey wonders if the interview matters more to Holly than their relationship. Holly agrees that might be so. Bailey tells her to get ready. Holly launches into a speech about how her parents were always moving around, but she always knew she wanted to be a doctor. She knows how Bailey feels, but she is certain of her future as a doctor, more so than her future with him. I can see her point, here. She's known she wanted to be a doctor for years, and she's known Bailey for months. Plus, it's nice to see someone on this show not basing her life around a Salinger for once.
Julia is walking upstairs with a basket of laundry. What, is this the Julia-does-chores episode? She never does any work around the house and now she is doing something in every scene. Anyway, she hears someone crying in the bathroom, and walks in to find Kirsten. Julia asks what's wrong, and picks up a book that is lying there that must be like What To Expect When You're Expecting because she figures out that Kirsten is pregnant. Kirsten says she came over to pick up some books Charlie bought when Daphne was pregnant, but something felt wrong, so she checked, and she's bleeding. Julia sits her down and starts asking about cramps and such. Because, remember, Julia has also had a miscarriage. Anyway, then Julia says she will take Kirsten to a doctor and they walk out. I have to say that I was actually nervous during this part, because I really didn't know what would happen.
Charlie rushes into the doctor's office to see Julia sitting in the waiting room. Julia tells him Kirsten is in with the doctor and she should be out in a minute. Kirsten comes out and says that she and the baby are both okay. Charlie asks what happened, and Kirsten recaps that last scene. Julia asks what the doctor said, and Kirsten says they did some tests and a sonogram, and it turns out Kirsten just didn't have enough progesterone. Or the baby is slowly starving. One or the other. Anyway, Kirsten says she just needs to take some hormones. Charlie admits that Kirsten was right about not going away for the weekend. Kirsten says she told the doctor about how anxious she's been, and the doctor said that "panicky mothers" can make things worse, and Kirsten should just trust that what will happen will just happen. Also, the doctor told her to eat a sandwich.
Will and Holly are waiting in the INS office. Will is anxious and feels like he's on death row. Holly reassures him as Agent Lawrence comes in. He says he always starts his interviews with the same question: How did they fall in love? You'd think the "how we met" story would be the first one they would prepare, but obviously not, as Will and Holly hem and haw. Finally, Will starts talking about how it was a set-up. When they met, Holly was seeing someone else, but Will realized that she was "amazing, brilliant, beautiful." Oh, here comes the love. Will is gazing at Holly with pure adoration. Will drops the whole "pretend I'm Bailey" pretense and tells the story of how Holly bandaged up his hand. Will talks about how he saw himself in Holly's eyes and he had never seen himself like that before. Oh, I can't go on. Basically, he reprises the Jack Nicholson speech from As Good As It Gets: "She makes me want to be a better man."
Claudia finds Todd at the coffeehouse. Does Todd have a home? He's never there. Anyway, Claudia starts to apologize but Todd says that he should have said something. They go back and forth over this for a while. Todd gives a speech about how his family always used to tell each other they loved each other, and then his parents got divorced because they were both having affairs. This caused Todd to decide that saying the words "I love you" didn't mean anything, but he does feel it. He pulls a set of keys out of his pocket and hands them to Claudia, saying that he had a set of car keys made for her that morning and that, baby, she can drive his car. Beep beep, beep beep, yeah.
Mitch walks into Charlie and Bailey's office and says he got Charlie's message, so he came in to pick up his last paycheck because he needs to get home for dinner. Charlie wants to talk to Mitch, and Bailey offers to leave, but Charlie tells him to stay, because if Charlie is going to martyr himself, he needs as many witnesses as possible. Anyway, Charlie launches into another boring assembly line story that boils down to this: They tried Charlie's plan and it sucked. Also, Mitch's replacement sucked. Mitch still wants to quit, but Charlie interrupts because he's not done martyring himself. Charlie admits that he's new at this too and that he made a mistake by pushing Mitch to quit, and they need to trust each other more. Do you think the theme of this episode is trust? I haven't gotten that.
Julia comes over to Adam's apartment. Adam says that the shuttle will be there any minute, and asks where her bag is. Julia says what we all knew anyway: She's not going to Mexico with him. She says her family is going through a lot of stuff right now, and she needs to be there. As if that ever mattered to her before. Adam points out that her family is always going to have problems, because they are the Salingers, and at some point she needs to break away. Julia says it's not about them needing her -- it's about her needing them. Because it's always about Julia and her needs. Then she talks about how amazing her family is, like if she says it enough maybe the viewers will start to believe it and tune in for the two-hour series finale May 3rd on Fox. Julia finishes up by saying that she knows Adam thinks she is taking a huge step backwards, but she's contractually obligated to appear in the finale, so she can't go to Mexico right now. Adam isn't mad, of course, because no one can hate Julia, at least not while they are within a hundred-mile radius. They hug goodbye and that's the last we will see of Adam, ever.
Holly and Will return from their interview, and Bailey asks how it went. Holly thinks it went really well and that Will made the interviewer believe he was madly in love with her. See, that's irony, because HE IS! Will says he thinks the interviewer bought it, and then walks out of the room to get a drink. Holly sits down to Bailey, who asks what is . Holly is glad this part is over. Is that it? One interview, and they are home free? Whatever. ["Whatever, indeed. My dear friend Benzoate legitimately fell in love with an American woman and they got married for real even though he had his own work visa; in other words, it wasn't a sham marriage. They got married late in 1998 and are still going through the process of getting cleared by INS. Despite what TV tells you, it is not a cake-walk." -- Wing Chun] Holly apologizes for what she said before about school being more important than Bailey. Bailey says he should be grateful that she trusts him enough to tell him the truth. They hug and Will comes back in so that we can see how much it hurts him to see Holly with another man, in case we didn't get that already.
People are shouting in the backyard, so Bailey and Holly go outside. Claudia is out there with Charlie and Kirsten. Bailey tells them to keep it down or they will wake Owen up. Apparently the basement is not soundproofed. Claudia tells Bailey that Kirsten is pregnant. Everyone hugs. At some point, Kirsten says she is "about twelve weeks" along, which clears that up for the viewers who were wondering.
The phone rings and Julia screens the call. It's Adam, who must not have escaped the hundred-mile radius yet, because he's begging Julia to come with him. Julia doesn't pick up, and watches her family celebrating. Owen walks out and asks what's going on, and Julia joins the celebration. The producers double my torture by announcing that there are two new episodes this week, so I have another one to watch the night.