Claudia and Julia are walking down the street, carrying like a million paper grocery bags each. Claudia can't believe that Julia isn't upset that Adam ditched her. Julia turns it all around to make it out like they're just taking a weeklong break. I don't remember Adam saying he would only be gone for a week. Did I miss something? Julia says she's not mad at him for going -- she's mad at him for failing to recognize, in both words and deeds, that she is the best thing since sliced bread. Or she's mad at him for saying "a bunch of stuff." Claudia asks what Julia means by "a bunch of stuff." Julia recaps her storyline last week, when Adam told her she does everything for other people and nothing for herself. Oh, that's Julia, all right. Selfless martyr. Whatever. Claudia wonders where Adam ever got such an idea, and Julia says it's because she "dropped her book." Claudia didn't know Julia dropped her book, and Julia says she didn't. It's just not ready yet. Claudia's whole purpose in this scene is to go, "But why Julia?" or "What do you mean, Julia?" Really, Julia might as well be talking to herself. Anyway, Claudia's all "Why isn't it ready yet?" and Julia says that people read it and they don't get it. Claudia doesn't say anything, and Julia wonders what Claudia is thinking. Claudia tells her to be quiet, but not because she won't stop talking about herself. Julia turns around to see what Claudia is staring at, and sees Ned pulling a parking ticket off his car. Everything goes slow motion as Ned crumples the ticket into a ball because he's Ned and he's angry! He might hit someone! Not to downplay the issue of domestic violence, but come on. Claudia pulls Julia into the car, like Ned's going to run across the street and hit her or something. As they pull away, Ned yells after them, "Everybody wants to be closer to free."
Bailey is sitting on a couch, reading a book, when Holly enters. I think he's in the factory, but it's hard to tell. Holly checks out the book he's reading, which he claims is about "cyber-business." Nobody had used the prefix "cyber" since 1996. It would be "e-business," probably. Anyway, Bailey tells her he's taking three courses, but they're not very challenging for his superior Salinger intellect, so he's thinking about going back to college full time. That brings up some other questions for him, like how he will afford it. Well, he didn't mention it, but that's what I was wondering, since he gave up his original college money for the restaurant. Bailey starts babbling about how he wants to plan his life around Holly, and wants to enroll wherever she ends up going for med school. Holly interrupts him, to introduce lame storyline A of this episode - her lawyer said that her student visa is being revoked because she works full time. But she has to work full time to pay her rent. Thus, she is probably going to have to go back to England. There are so many other solutions to this problem, but none of them would result in a green card marriage, so the writers ignore them. Bailey can't believe there's nothing they can do, and Holly says her lawyer is working on it, and she's hoping for the best.
Charlie's alarm clock goes off and he wakes up. Kirsten walks in carrying a tray of food, because one episode cannot go by without some reference to Kirsten and food. Charlie is wondering why deserves breakfast in bed. Kirsten says it's a special anniversary, and tries to get Charlie to remember what happened a year ago. Clearly, she hasn't learned the time-honored technique of "casually" mentioning it a week before, to serve as a reminder, as in, "Hey, can you believe it's been almost a year since we got back together? Actually, it'll be a year Tuesday." Charlie keeps asking for hints and eventually admits that he has no clue what she is talking about. Kirsten takes the food away, because food = love in this scenario, and says it's no big deal, but a year ago they got back together. Charlie claims that he would have remembered if it weren't for his fatigue due to working so many hours. Kirsten says she knows it's not a real anniversary, but she thought it would be fun to celebrate. Charlie offers to blow off a meeting that night to celebrate, but Kirsten's not satisfied. Charlie says she's his wife, and he loves her, and he wants to spend time with her, and asks if they are okay. Kirsten says yes and starts walking away again, and Charlie yells that he'd still like breakfast in bed.
Claudia is telling Victor that she thought it would be a good idea for him to talk to Ross, since he's been through the whole custody thing with his own daughter. Victor says he thought Ross' daughter was adopted. We see that Ross is also sitting there, and he says that the custody issues are similar, especially for a single parent. Claudia starts going on and on about how Victor is "very single" and "very interested"... in getting custody advice. Ross offers to give Victor his lawyer's name. Victor rolls his eyes and wonders why he ever signed on for this show in the first place, and thinks about calling Ross' lawyer if only to see how to get out of his contract before this show dies its inevitable lingering death.
In the kitchen, we are treated to a bunch of "through the cabinet" shots, as if we, the viewers, are seated in the back of the cupboard among the dishes. Victor is annoyed with Claudia for trying to set him up with Ross. Claudia denies it. Victor points out the "very single" and "very interested" comments as evidence. Claudia points out that Victor and Ross have a lot in common, including daughters and a love of music. Victor yells, "Everyone loves music! Dogs and cats love music!" Claudia says Victor is always complaining about his love life, and Victor says that doesn't mean she has to set him up with the only other gay man she knows. The writers seem to think that by launching a pre-emptive strike against criticism, they somehow become immune to it. Like, clearly, my criticism of this storyline would be that it's ridiculous to assume that if there are two gay men on the show, they have to date each other. So, they have Victor say it, and it's no longer an issue. But it still is. Anyway, Victor says love is supposed to just happen, and it's not supposed to be work, and Ross isn't his type anyway. Claudia says Ross is her best friend (he is?) and he's sweet and smart. Victor says he's too sweet and too smart. Ah, so Victor likes the bad boys. Thank god this scene is over because the opening and closing of all the cabinet doors was making me nauseous.
Bailey and Holly are in the hospital cafeteria. Seriously, does Bailey do anything but follow her around? He's such a stalker. Anyway, Holly heard from her lawyer, it's not good, and they are appealing the decision. Bailey says that waiting around isn't going to help, but Holly says there's nothing else she can do. Bailey's been doing a little research (which must have included stopping by the video store and renting Green Card) and he has a solution. Holly's against it, because she thinks it will be too much pressure on their relationship. Bailey says it's a better option than having her go back to England, and that they can make it work. Holly points out that they just got back together, and she doesn't want to jeopardize their relationship. Like moving to another continent won't jeopardize their relationship? Plus, Holly is worried that they will be caught. Bailey says the only people who get caught are those that don't really love each other. There's an awkward pause after Bailey says the "L" word, and then Holly says Bailey's being pressured already to say things he doesn't mean. Bailey says it will just involve a little pretending, but their relationship doesn't have to change. Holly looks doubtful.
Julia is sitting on the steps into the living room, staring into space. Claudia comes in and asks about the mail, but Julia doesn't hear her. Claude tries again and Julia snaps out of it. Claudia asks if Julia was thinking about Ned, then apologizes for bringing him up. Julia says she was already thinking about it anyway, and that she keeps expecting to see him around every corner. Claudia says she can't live like that, and Julia says she called Maggie (Ned's ex-girlfriend and Julia's ex-roommate) and got Ned's address. Why would Maggie have Ned's address? Julia says she might just go to his apartment so she can see him and get it over with. Claudia can't believe she would do it, and Julia says she has started over there a bunch of times, and then stopped. Griffin walks in and wonders what they're talking about, and Claudia is evasive. Griffin thinks Julia has a new boyfriend, and says they can talk about it in front of him, but Julia admits they were talking about Ned, and that Ned is living a few blocks away. Okay, I don't know much about San Francisco, but it looks like the Salingers are living in a nice neighborhood. How could Ned afford that? He should be living where Bailey and Sarah used to live, I think. Griffin is all upset about Ned being back and Julia tells him the info she got from Maggie, including that Ned is seeing a psychiatrist. Julia thinks it would be better to see Ned on her own terms instead of running into him unexpectedly. Griffin disagrees. Julia says she isn't physically afraid of him, and Griffin says that Ned will start up with the head games again. Griffin begs Julia to promise him she won't see Ned. Julia just stands there. You know, what did Julia ever do to earn such loyalty from Griffin? Divorce him?
Charlie comes home carrying a huge bouquet of roses, and apologizes for being late. Kirsten walks into the room, all dressed up. It was quite a dramatic entrance, and I think the director was going for stunning, but he took a wrong turn at skeletal and ended up at scary. Charlie gives Kirsten the flowers, and says that after this morning he thought he would have to buy her a pony. Was his transgression that morning really that bad? I mean, if he forgot their wedding anniversary, that would be one thing. Anyway, Kirsten says something about the roses being "Don't hate me" roses. There's a knock at the door and Kirsten opens it to find Daphne and Diana standing there. Hugging and exclamations of surprise abound. Wouldn't Daphne notice that they are all dressed up, and realize she was interrupting something? Anyway, Daphne says she came up a week early as a surprise. Charlie asks how long she's staying, and Daphne says maybe for good.
Julia goes over to Ned's apartment. Guess Griffin's loyalty doesn't mean that much to her, huh? Ned says, "It's okay, I'm not going to..." but before he can finish, Julia barges in without being invited. There goes my theory that Julia is a vampire, sucking the life force out of men. Ned tries to play host, asking if she's thirsty or wants to sit down. Julia says she just wanted to see him. Talk about head games - the way she said that made it sound like she really missed him. Ned jokes that she just wants to stare at him. Julia mentions that she found out what he's up to from Maggie, and Ned says Maggie must have talked to his parents. So, that solves that mystery. Ned starts getting worked up because he's Ned and he's angry! He wonders how long "this stuff" is going to follow him around. Julia tells him about her book and he asks if she used his name. Hey, could he have sued her if her book was published? Ned asks if Julia wrote the book for revenge. Julia says she just needed to figure things out. Ned says that it wasn't enough that she reported him and almost got him kicked out of school, and that he's trying to get past it, but no one will let him. Do you think if I liked Julia more, I could hate Ned more? Because, at this point, I do feel somewhat bad for him, especially if he is getting counseling and trying to change, and can admit that what he did was completely wrong. Let me state for the record that I am a strong opponent of violence in general and domestic violence specifically. Anyway, Ned asks if Julia think he deserved to be punished for what he did. Julia does, because she lost a year of her life to him, and she would have preferred to never see him again. In fact, she's not going to talk to him or see him again for the rest of her life, and she walks out.
Daphne and Kirsten are making breakfast, because as stated before, any scene with Kirsten in it must include food, lest we suspect that Paula Devicq has an eating disorder. It kind of backfires, since she never actually eats any of the food, and it just serves to point out how painfully thin she is, especially compared to the far more healthy looking Daphne. Anyway, Daphne says that Luke is wonderful, but he's always being deployed to other bases and leaving her alone. Kirsten asks what Daphne does, and Daphne says there isn't much to do, since the town they live in is more like a "truck stop" than a town. She says "truck stop" with some kind of Southern accent. At least I think that's what that was supposed to be. Daphne says that this time when Luke left, she decided to take off too, and then she wonders how Charlie and Kirsten manage to have this "incredibly strong marriage" when they both have careers also. Kirsten says they make time for each other, like having breakfast together every day. Daphne points out, "Except for today." Kirsten says they try to talk for a while before bed, and Daphne points out, "Except when he gets home at three in the morning." This whole conversation is framed so that it seems like Daphne is asking about her own situation, but it makes Kirsten realize that she and Charlie are in the same boat. It's kind of sad that they went to the trouble to bring Daphne back, only to have her serve as a parallel storyline to demonstrate Charlie and Kirsten's problems.
Bailey is on the phone, asking questions about a "blood test," obviously for his impending marriage. Will is standing in the background, but Bailey doesn't see him yet. As Bailey continues to talk on the phone, he turns and sees Will, and starts pretending that he was asking about a fishing license instead. What was the person on the other end of the conversation thinking? Bailey was all "blood test" and then suddenly he's all "freshwater or saltwater." Will asks if it's true that you don't need a blood test for a fishing license. Bailey's all, "Who knew?" Will asks if Bailey wants to "spill," or keep the charade going, because either way, Will is entertained. Bailey says, "It isn't what you think." Will asks if that means Bailey isn't marrying Holly. Bailey says it's complicated, and Will asks if it's about Holly's green card or lack thereof. Bailey realizes that it's not actually that complicated. Will tells him he needs to "get new material" and try to get through a year without "popping the question." This is another example, as with the Victor/Ross storyline, of the writers trying to do a pre-emptive strike against criticism. It's still not working. Bailey says it's all for show, a legal thing. Will interrupts Bailey's babbling to say that he thinks it's great, and that if he felt like Bailey does, he would marry Holly "in a heartbeat." He would? The writers really need to decide if Will is the commitment-shy, goofy Steve Sanders of yore, or the committed, baby-having Steve Sanders of today, because you can't have it both ways.
Claudia is visiting Ross, who asks about Victor. Claudia tries to change the subject, but Ross doesn't get it, and asks again. Claudia says that Victor thought Ross was "helpful." Oh yeah, everyone wants a helpful boyfriend. Ross continues to dig, and Claudia comes up with "sweet and smart," which Victor didn't actually say, but Ross is putting Claudia in a difficult position here. Of course, Claudia put herself there by trying to set them up in the first place, I guess. Ross finally figures out what's going on, and says that Victor must have really hated him. Claudia says that Ross just isn't Victor's type, and that she thinks Victor likes "angry guys." Hey, maybe they could hook him up with Ned! Ross plays the "nobody wants a nice guy" card. Claudia tells Ross what Victor said about love being an accident. Whoops! I fell in love!
Kirsten and Charlie are getting ready for bed. Kirsten is telling Charlie about Daphne's situation (read: she is telling him about their situation). Kirsten says Daphne and Diana are alone all the time. The phone rings and Charlie answers (after Kirsten gives him permission). It's someone from work, and Charlie straightens out the problem in a matter of minutes and hangs up. Kirsten's mad because they aren't supposed to call after midnight, and Charlie says it was an emergency. It only took him like a minute to deal with! It's not like he was on the phone for hours. Anyway, Kirsten says she's worried about Daphne (read: she's worried about herself). Charlie says that after Luke gets established, he'll have more say over his hours. Kirsten wonders how long Daphne (read: Kirsten) is supposed to wait, and that Daphne's thinking about moving back to San Francisco, and maybe she should. I'm not sure what the Kirsten parallel is in that part. Charlie says it's only been a month, and Luke's only doing in his job. I'm actually on Charlie's side in this one, and maybe instead of running away, Daphne should talk to Luke about what's really bothering her (read: Kirsten should shut up). Kirsten delivers an ultimatum, saying that Luke had better think of something or Daphne might not be there when he comes home.
Bailey is telling Holly about how he's been planning a simple ceremony for them, but then he started talking to Will. Holly is upset that Bailey told Will, because they weren't going to tell anyone. Bailey says it was an accident. Holly feels like the whole wedding thing is taking on a life of its own. Bailey says he knows it's just pretend, but it has to look real, so they need to relax and smile for the cameras, and enjoy themselves. Holly agrees. Bailey pushes it, by talking about the honeymoon he is planning. Holly is all, "Honeymoon?" and Bailey says that INS will want to see pictures from the honeymoon, first thing. Not that he got the idea from when he rented Green Card or anything.
Julia answers the door to see Ned standing there. She doesn't want to see him, but she ran out before he could tell her something. Julia says she spent all of last year listening to his words, but he gets angry because he's Ned and he's angry! Then he says, "I'm sorry." Ned explains how he started dating a woman named Miranda after he and Julia broke up, and that she ratted him out and he spent two weeks in jail, and the judge practically spat at him when delivering his sentence. Ned knows that he has problems, but he's trying, and he's seeing a doctor. He made a promise that he's not going to be with anyone until he knows that she's safe. Ned feels all sorry for himself, and wonders how long it will be before people stop looking at him like he's dirt. He's Ned and he's sad! Julia doesn't know and Ned says he just wants to feel human. Julia says that's not up to her. Griffin walks into the entryway and sees Ned, and pushes him out the door. Old Ned probably would have coldcocked Griffin, but new Ned just says, "Okay, I'm leaving!" and walks off.
Victor and Owen come home and find Ross waiting on the doorstep. Ross was supposed to meet Claudia. Victor tries to give Ross the brush-off so obviously that Ross asks if he should wait outside. Victor tells him to come in, and Ross asks if Victor's called the lawyer yet. Victor has decided not to go the legal route. Claudia comes in and remembers that she was supposed to meet Ross. Can I just make a comment about Claudia's rack? After being distracted by it all season, I've finally decided that they must make her wear a minimizer bra, because they know it's disturbing to those of us who are long-time viewers to see little Claudia all grown up. There's no other way to explain their appearance. Her breasts are really wide and smooshed looking. I can't wait until the series is over, and her poor breasts can breathe free. Anyway, Victor thinks Claudia made up this ruse to get him and Ross together again. Claudia denies it, and Ross says Victor's the one with the problem. Ooh, cat fight! Victor gives Ross a look, and Ross says that he's not being very "sweet or smart." Victor can't believe Claudia told Ross what he said. Ross says he understands if Victor doesn't want to go out with him, but why is he rejecting the help in getting his daughter back? Ross brings up Victor's ideas about accidental love, and says that if he just waited around waiting for a daughter, he wouldn't have one now, and that it was a match made by lawyers, and there's no one he loves more than his daughter. Isn't that a weird comparison to make, between looking for a boyfriend and looking for a child to adopt?
Daphne, Diana and Kirsten walk into the restaurant, and Kirsten comments that Charlie will probably be late. Charlie is actually already there, Ms. Smarty-Pants. Diana wanders off in the opposite direction, and Daphne's all "Daddy's over here! Where are you going?" As far as she can't get in the opposite direction, if she knows what's good for her. Daphne looks over to see that Diana was headed for Luke. Daphne rushes over to give Luke a hug, and he says he has some things to tell her. Charlie reports that Luke is going to move to Dallas and ask for a permanent position on the post, so that Daphne doesn't have to be alone all the time. Kirsten wonders how Charlie knows about it, and Charlie admits that he helped. Kirsten is upset that Charlie told Luke to make all these promises. Charlie says they are more than just promises. Kirsten is still totally negative, saying that she doesn't think it will work. Charlie says it will, but Kirsten finally admits that she's talking about them. She relates how Charlie made a lot of promises about things getting easier, but it's not happening. Didn't he just buy the business like a week ago? What does she expect? Kirsten says she knows she "signed up for it" but she's going to have a baby "soon" and she doesn't want to raise it herself. Soon? Kirsten has a warped sense of time. Anyway, Charlie says that won't happen. Kirsten says it's all words. Could I care any less about these two? I don't think I could.
Julia actually picks up a finger to help out around the house by taking out the garbage. Griffin is out in the shed, working on a motorcycle. He asks if Ned had a lot of excuses about his "old man" beating him up. Julia says Ned came to apologize. Griffin surmises that Julia was nice to Ned, and wonders why. Julia says she wasn't nice to him. Griffin then says that Julia must have accepted his apology. Three strikes and you're out! Julia didn't. She was straight with Ned and told him to leave her alone, but she wants to be able to forgive him. Griffin wants to know why. Julia says that forgiving Ned means forgiving herself, and she wants to be able to look back and see that she wasn't entirely wrong in loving Ned. Griffin starts to leave, and Julia says, "What?" Griffin tells that what she's saying is "a bunch of crap." I guess the blind loyalty is over. Griffin thinks that Julia can't have it both ways, and that forgiving Ned is like saying what he did was okay. Julia tries to disagree, but Griffin says she asked for his opinion (did she?) and that's it, even if she doesn't agree with it. It's nice to see Griffin grow some balls for once.
Holly enters Bailey's office at the factory and tells him he's a strange person. Bailey jokes that strange must be one of those words that is a compliment in England. Holly says that she's never met anyone like him, because not only did he come up with a solution to her deportation problem, but he managed to make it "fantastic," and she loves him for that. Bailey doesn't react to her use of the L-word, so she asks if he heard what she said. Bailey heard it. Holly says he needs to understand she loves him, and that's why she can't marry him. Huh? Bailey wonders if it's because "the honeymoon stuff" freaked her out. Holly says that she was in a department store and decided to buy some new clothes for her wedding. She found an expensive dress and figured, "What the heck?" because it's her wedding day. This led her to think that she that she might be leading Bailey on. I won't even try to explain the rest of her reasoning, because it was really dumb and didn't make any sense. Suffice to say, she doesn't think they are at a point where this can possibly work, because they will always wonder if they are pretending to be married or really married. You'd think they could just agree to keep the channels of communication open, like they would have to do whether they were married or not, but I guess that's too easy. Plus, obviously the writers' plans for the series finale don't include Holly.
Julia is typing away at her laptop when Claudia enters the room and asks what Julia is doing. Julia says she found this website where this horrible, horrible person makes fun of the Salingers in minute detail. Or she says she found a site for abuse victims. You be the judge. Julia says the site collects letters and stories from the victims, and she's been trying to upload her book, but she can't figure out how to "tag it." What does that even mean? Claudia can't believe that Julia is uploading her whole book. Yeah, neither can I. How long would that take on a dial-up connection, like a year? Anyway, Claudia meant that Julia said the book wasn't done yet. Julia says she read it last night and added an afterword about seeing Ned again, and that it's good enough. Griffin would say it's too forgiving, and Ned would say it's not forgiving enough, and any editor would say it's not ready and Adam would say that she shouldn't care what others think. But it's good enough for Julia. Claudia helps computer illiterate Julia figure out how to upload the book. Halfway through the twelve-hour upload, they get bumped off due to inactivity. Well, that's what would happen in the real world.
Claudia goes into a coffee shop and runs into Victor, who is fixing two cups of coffee. Either he's with someone, or he's as bored with this show as the rest of us and needs a caffeine I.V. Victor acts all nervous and shady. Claudia doesn't notice and offers to join him. Claude apologizes for the whole Ross situation. Victor says she was just trying to help. Claudia spies Ross sitting upstairs and tells Victor not to turn around because Ross is there, and that she'll go distract him while Victor sneaks out. Come on, Claudia is smarter than this. Claude asks if Victor is there with someone due to the two cups of coffee. Finally, Claudia realizes what the rest of us knew from the first moment of this painfully contrived scene -- that Victor is there with Ross. Claudia says, "You're on a date with Ross," and Victor says they are just having coffee, and nothing is happening. Then he adds that nothing is going to happen if Claudia doesn't get out of there, because if Ross sees her, he'll invite her to join them. Claudia's all, "I knew it!" and leaves while Victor joins Ross. The coffee's probably cold by now.
Charlie comes home and Kirsten is in her pajamas on the couch. She's surprised to see him because she thought he had to work late. He says that he got out early to celebrate their anniversary. Kirsten points out that the anniversary was days ago. Charlie says today is the anniversary of the day he came home and told her that he would be home no later than 7 P.M. at least three nights a week. Kirsten doesn't want him to make promises he can't keep. Charlie unplugs the phone (thank you!) and turns off his pager even though he has three unanswered pages. One of the pages is a message from Owen that says, "Help! I'm locked in the basement! Remember when you wanted custody of me?" Another one is from Diana who says, "Help! I've been shipped off to Texas. Remember when you wanted custody of me?" The third is from their unborn baby, and it says, "Help! No one is feeding me! I'm going to die soon if I don't get any food." Charlie says he ordered takeout and turns on the stereo. He sits on the couch with Kirsten and thus begins a series of bizarre fades. Like, instead of just cutting from one camera shot to the other, the director put in fades between each shot, and it's very distracting. It reminded me of The Simpsons, when Homer was making the video about Ned Flanders and after every shot he wanted a star wipe. Anyway, I was too distracted by the fades to listen to much of the conversation, but Kirsten is happy with the offer.
Bailey and Holly are sitting out back on the swing. Will comes out and says that when he is locked in the basement, he dreams about having what Bailey and Holly have. Will babbles some more about how great their relationship is, until Bailey just asks what the hell he's going on about. Will says Bailey has been a great friend to him, both in helping him out with Hannah and letting him move in. Now, Will wants to return the favor. Bailey asks what's going on, like why are the Salingers so dense today? Will drops to one knee and proposes to Holly. Then, Will realizes that was too dramatic. Holly and Bailey say they won't let him do this. Will says that Holly is the best thing that has happened to Bailey in a long time. Bailey and Holly look at each other, and then she says yes. They hug, then they hug Will. If this was the Will of yore, he would be thinking, "Now how do I turn this into a menage a trois?"
Julia logs on (and I know it's a dial-up connection because they do that whole modem screeching thing). She pulls up her e-mail and there are a ton of messages from women who read her book. I'm not going to repeat them here, but they take the form of voice-overs and all are praising Julia for her bravery. It's like they ran out of tertiary characters to praise Julia, so now they have to use people on the Internet. Anyway, they show scenes of Griffin working on a motorcycle, Julia seeing Ned on the street and walking away, and the whole family goofing around while doing dishes. Julia smiles with the knowledge that not just every man loves her, but also people who haven't even met her!