Daphne and Charlie are sitting at a picnic table on the playground, while Daphne explains all the day care options on the base in Texas. Remember? Luke got transferred to Texas and Daphne is going with him, and she wants to take Diana. Anyway, Daphne goes on about her scheduling plans, and how Diana will spend a month with her and then fly back to spend a month in the basement. Charlie can't agree with her plan, of course, since he didn't come up with it, and proposes that Diana stay with him until Daphne and Luke get settled. Then he and Kirsten and Diana will come down for a visit, because Daphne can't be trusted alone with her own child even though she has proved time and time again that she has changed and is capable of handling things. Daphne starts to protest, but then Luke comes over with Diana (since he's the only one who pays attention to her anyway for all the talking these two do). Luke tells them that everybody wants to be closer to free.
Bailey is in the kitchen getting ready to go to work. The rest of this paragraph is largely my interpretation of what happened, so don't take it too literally. Claudia and Julia ask him what he is doing. Bailey says he's going to work to support their asses. And drink some beer, because it's free there and he doesn't have to worry about hiding the bottles. Plus, he doesn't really want to talk to his sisters because he thinks they are going to yell at him for missing the meeting with the accountant. Claudia says they aren't going to yell, and they realize that Bailey saved their butts using his own money, so they have arranged for him to have a day off. Owen is locked in the basement where he belongs. I think Will is down there too. Remember Will? Doesn't he live there? Where has he been? Anyway, Claudia and Julie tell Bailey to relax and enjoy himself. If they only knew.
Julia, Adam, Justin and Laura are coming out of American Beauty and discussing what they thought. Julia and Justin both loved it. They're soulmates! Oh wait, that comes later. Laura hated it. Adam says he doesn't like to talk about movies for twenty-four hours after seeing them so he can avoid making rash judgments. Dude, it's a movie, not a death sentence. You're allowed to change your mind! Julia and Justin are totally hitting it off and Laura can barely get a word in edgewise to ask if anyone wants to get some food. Julia suggests "Elmo's Diner." Laura wants to eat somewhere that offers "a salad." Most diners have salad, don't they? It might not be fresh, and it probably only has one kind of lettuce, but it still qualifies. Julia and Justin discuss how great the chili fries are at the diner, and Laura is feeling all left out so she agrees to go. Julia and Justin rudely take off, leaving Adam and Laura to tag along. I'll bet Justin is going to get quite the motivational speech from Laura when they get home.
Bailey shows up at Evvie's apartment and tells her he's supposed to relax but he doesn't know what to do. Maybe the answer to that is "nothing," since that's what I like to do when I relax. Evvie says her old roommate is having a party, but she doesn't think Bailey would want to go because it's in "the Haight" which everyone knows is code for "there will be alcohol." Actually, the word "party" is kind of code for "there will be alcohol," no? Evvie proves how wild her ex-roommate's parties are by saying that the cops had to break up the last one, and Bailey thinks that sounds like fun, since he's a felon and all and really needs another arrest on his record. Evvie says she hopes he brought bail money.
Adam is driving Julia home, and mentions that he is really full from the chili fries. Julia brings up Justin and Laura's engagement party. Adam doesn't want to go. Julia demands to know why she is not the center of his universe. Adam says he thinks Justin and Laura are not a good match because she leads him around and they don't "riff off each other." Julia doesn't understand what that means, and points out that Laura changed Justin's life. Adam says that Julia and Justin "riff off each other." I'm already sick of the word "riff." Adam points out that if they had a videotape of the evening, most people would pick Justin and Julia as the loving couple, and Julia explains that it's because she and Justin have history. Adam replies "History, and present, and..." but Julia interrupts him to disagree and then decree that he will go to the engagement party with her. Adam knows better than to argue since if he does, he will get written out of the show, and he needs the residual checks.
Evvie and Bailey are hanging out at the party, and Evvie gives Bailey a kiss. She asks what that taste is on his lips, and then asks if it's beer. Bailey should have told her it was his lip gloss. That would have been funny. Instead, Bailey says it's non-alcoholic beer. I would like to point out that even non-alcoholic beer has alcohol in it (although a really low percentage) and besides, I don't think alcoholics are supposed to drink non-alcoholic beer if they are in recovery. It's not like they serve it at Betty Ford or anything. Evvie doesn't point any of this out, but instead says that they wouldn't have non-alcoholic beer at a party -- yeah, what she said. Bailey admits that he had a beer and Evvie figures out that it's not the first one he's had. Bailey admits to drinking off and on for a few weeks. Evvie takes that to mean that all bets are off and asks for a shot of tequila. Bailey tries to stop her, as if he is in any such position, and Evvie says they can "spot each other," whatever that means. She orders another beer for Bailey. I don't think this is going to end well, and not just because I read some spoilers on the web.
Daphne comes over to see Charlie. She wants to know what would happen if she wanted to take Diana with her, despite what he has said. Charlie is amazed that she is challenging his royal authority, and says they already figured it out. Daphne points out that she had nothing to do with the decision, and is wondering what would happen if she wanted to take Diana. Charlie says he's Diana's father and Daphne screams back, "And I'm her mother! Do you even realize that?" She goes on to say that Charlie makes all these "declarations" about how he has to be the "dad, and the mom" for Diana AND Daphne. Daphne repeats that she wants to take Diana with her, and Charlie says that she doesn't get to make that decision alone. Daphne asks whether Charlie will stop her. Charlie says that he doesn't want to have to, but he will. Daphne says she's not scared of him. Yeah, you and me both, sister. Charlie's not the most intimidating guy in the world, is he? Charlie says he isn't trying to scare her. Good thing, because if he was, he'd be failing miserably. Daphne retorts that he's trying to get his way, like he always does and she's not going to let that happen anymore, and then stomps on outta there and slams the door. Yeah! You tell him, Daphne!
We see two sets of feet and the camera pans up to reveal that they belong to Evvie and Bailey, naked and in each other's arms. They have some stupid pillow talk and Evvie reveals way too much information by saying that they have had "a few drinks, a few orgasms, and nobody died." Bailey agrees that no one has, in fact, died. Then they start doing it again.
Kirsten and Charlie are in a lawyer's office waiting to be seen. Kirsten has on a really unflattering button-down shirt that reveals just how painfully thin her arms are. Seriously, I am feeling guilty watching this show week after week and not calling a hospital or something. I better look in the Yellow Pages under "Interventions R Us" because Paula Devicq is looking more and more like Karen Carpenter in the closet. Anyway, I can't watch, so I close my eyes and the dialogue is almost as bad as the visual. Essentially, Kirsten convinces Charlie that bringing lawyers into the custody situation isn't going to help because Daphne is the mother and most judges lean towards giving the mother custody. Charlie created this situation and if he doesn't want to risk losing Diana, he had better figure out how to deal with it. Is it wrong that I enjoy seeing Charlie declared accountable for his actions? And also that I like seeing Charlie suffer? And also that I'm glad this show is ending? Is that wrong? Is it?
Julia and Adam arrive at Justin and Laura's engagement party and are greeted by the happy couple. When Justin gives Julia a hug hello, Laura gives them the stank-eye. Before they can exchange more than a few words, Laura drags Justin off to get pictures taken. Julia starts commenting to Adam on how bad Justin and Laura are together, and how the thing that Justin loves about Laura (that she changed his life) is the very reason why they shouldn't get married. Justin thinks the engagement was his idea, but really it was Laura's. Adam tells Julia that she should tell Justin how she feels. Julia doesn't think she can because Laura is already suspicious of Julia and she'll just think that Julia is jealous. Adam asks her if she is jealous, while gathering more food from the buffet. Julia insists that she and Justin are friends. Adam thinks that he would want his friend to be honest with him. Julia looks over at Justin and Laura just as they get their picture taken. Justin and Laura both look really, really uncomfortable in the picture.
Charlie is walking down the hallway toward Daphne and Luke's apartment, and he hears them arguing inside. He knocks anyway, because the world revolves around him. Luke answers. Daphne asks who it is and when Luke tells her, she says, "For God's sake," and walks away. I'm right with her. Charlie apologizes and says that he will come back later. Luke steps out in the hall and tells Charlie that Daphne has decided to stay in San Francisco when he moves to Texas, because she couldn't take Diana away from her father. Then Luke goes back inside and Charlie just stands there for like ten minutes. I guess the concept of someone doing something that was not completely selfish totally blew his mind. Lord knows he has never contemplated such an act.
Julia and Adam are about to leave the engagement party, and Justin comes up and asks them if they're leaving. Well, duh. Obviously. Either that or it's way too cold in the house and they needed to put their coats on to warm up a little. Justin tells them that Laura has a "whole, elaborate, gift-opening ritual" that's about to start. Gee, that would make me want to stay. Julia uses the "we have a lot of work" excuse that she wouldn't let Adam use when he said he didn't even want to go to the stupid party. Adam says he'll go get the car, conveniently leaving Julia and Justin alone. Justin says the whole thing is a "mind-bender," and that he asked his girlfriend one little question and now "this whole big machine" has started and he can't slow it down. Julia tells him that he can slow it down or even stop it. Justin asks what she means and Julia tries to retract it, but he pulls her into some little alcove. I keep waiting for Laura to find them there. Justin asks her if she thinks the engagement is a mistake. Julia says she just meant that he could just slow it down if he needed to. Justin says that "slowing it down" sounds like "calling it off," and that's a very big deal. Julia tries to get him to pretend she never said anything. Justin asks her if she's doing this because she hates Laura. Julia says no and looks like she would rather be riding in a car with drunk Bailey than having this conversation. Justin says that Laura thinks Julia is jealous. Julia tells him to put the whole thing out of his mind. Justin gets all sarcastic and says, "Thanks a lot," and walks off.
Bailey arrives at Evvie's apartment to find the door wide open and music playing. He turns down the radio and calls out to her but doesn't get a response. He starts looking for her and finds an empty bottle on her bed, and then finds Evvie passed out on the bathroom floor in her underwear. Bailey runs some water into his hands and tries to splash it on her face to revive her but only like two drops go on her face so it doesn't work at all. He runs into the bedroom to look for a phone and calls 911, and tells them like ten times to "Hurry!" as if 911 isn't used to handling emergencies and would just stroll over casually if Bailey didn't let them know it was urgent. He tells them he suspects alcohol poisoning, in case we at home didn't get the significance of the empty bottle of booze and thought she had a seizure or something.
Bailey is sitting in the waiting area at the hospital when he spots Holly. She looks pleased to see him and asks whether he is there with Griffin. Bailey says he's there with another friend who had too much to drink, and had to get her stomach pumped, like that's not a weird thing to say. Bailey makes small talk and appears to be getting along pretty well with Holly. Suddenly, a middle-aged woman barges in and asks what the hell is the matter with Bailey. Holly makes to leave but Bailey says he doesn't even know this woman. She says she's Evvie's sponsor and starts yelling at Bailey for giving her a drink. Bailey says he wasn't even there, and that he found her that way. Holly keeps trying to edge away, but Bailey keeps pulling her back. The woman says that Evvie told her about the party, and how Bailey encouraged her to drink, and then she hisses, "And you had SEX with her!" Now everyone in the waiting room is staring at them. Okay, writers, she's Evvie's sponsor, not her mother. She would not act this way, especially toward another alcoholic, recovering or not.
Daphne comes to Charlie and Kirsten's apartment to collect Diana. Hey, have you seen the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous? You know the former beauty queen who has been hospitalized because of an eating disorder, and whenever they brush her hair, it falls out in big clumps? That is what Kirsten's hair looks like in this scene. It's all dry and brittle and transparent. Yeah, but she doesn't have a problem. Whatever, executive from the show who was quoted in People magazine. You keep living in your dream world. Anyway, Charlie offers to keep Diana if Daphne wants to spend Luke's last day with him alone. Daphne says that Luke wants to see Diana, rubbing salt in the custodial wound. I don't blame her. I'd be bitter too. Charlie asks if Luke needs help shipping stuff since he has deals with carriers, but Daphne kind of blows him off. Kirsten tells her to say goodbye to Luke for them. Daphne tells her to shove it. Okay, not really, but she should have. Instead, she gives Kirsten the cold shoulder and leaves with the baby.
Julia and Griffin are getting coffee from a street vendor, as if there aren't coffeehouses like every ten feet in San Francisco. Or so I've heard. Julia tells Griffin what happened at the party. Griffin says he doesn't blame Justin for getting mad, and that Julia is right about Justin and Laura, but her "timing sucks." Julia wonders how Griffin knows that Justin and Laura aren't meant for each other since he has never met Laura. Griffin says that Julia and Justin have this whole "soulmate" thing going on. Julia and I both ask Griffin not to say the word "riff," but for completely different reasons. He says it anyway. Griffin says Julia was right to tell Justin, unless her motivation was jealousy. Julia insists that she's not jealous. Griffin says that when he and Julia were married, they had all kinds of problems -- "the money, the business, your family, us...but nothing scared me like [Justin]." Griffin says he always worried that someday Justin would show up and Julia would realize that she should have married him. You know, maybe he could have told Julia that before they got married and saved everyone a lot of time and heartache. Plus, Jeremy London could have done some movies or something, and Michael Goorjian could have been on the show a lot more. Think of the possibilities. The mind boggles.
Daphne is walking up to her apartment with a bag of groceries, and Charlie is waiting there to talk to her. He tells her he doesn't want to turn into one of "those divorced couples that fight." Since they were never married, I think they have little chance of turning into a divorced couple. Anyway, Charlie says he doesn't want Diana to ask him someday why "mom and [he] are so mad at each other." Daphne tells him he doesn't get to control that, or make all the rules, and that she's so angry because she's been good and done everything Charlie asked. She moved back to San Francisco to be a mom, she trusted and loved her daughter completely, and then just when she was about to have everything that Charlie had (namely, a baby and someone to love), Charlie took that all away. Charlie asks how he is taking it away. Daphne says he acts like she's not a mom and like she's putting herself first by wanting to move to Texas. Before Charlie can protest, Daphne says that it's true and that if she left right now, she would be splitting up her family and putting herself first. Charlie thinks that she's finally coming around to his way of thinking. Daphne says that Charlie can't have it both ways. She can't see Charlie's life, and how he has it all, and "pretend that it doesn't kill [her] to miss out on it." She walks into the building, once again leaving Charlie standing there alone. I have to say, that was a well-written little speech there. For once.
Adam is reading Julia's story, and strokes her already huge ego by telling her how good it is. He wonders where she got the idea for it. She reminds him about an old couple they saw at the movies, and that she got the idea that instead of being married, they had been apart for a long time and were on their first date in fifty years. Adam says it's a really "cheesy, hyper-romantic premise," but that she pulled it off without being "maudlin." He's mad that he can't write that way. Julia says Adam is sweet to her because he admitted that he's not a good writer and she is. I think a better response there would have been something about how he just needs more practice at writing -- that sort of thing. But then again, unlike Julia, I try not to think the world revolves around me. Anyway, Julia kisses Adam and he freaks out and tells her they can't kiss. When Julia asks why not, he tells her they just went over this like two episodes ago. Well, that's what I was thinking. Instead, Adam tells Julia that her story is clearly about her and Justin, and she's just kissing Adam to try to prove to herself that she's not attracted to Justin. He tells her to go talk to Justin because, while Adam would love to kiss her, he can't do it until she gets this thing resolved. And once again, every man in the world loves Julia.
Charlie wakes up in the middle of the night and turns on the bedside lamp so he can check the time on his watch. Don't these people have alarm clocks? Kirsten wakes up and asks what's on his mind, then realizes that was a dumb question. Charlie says he doesn't want to lose his daughter, but he realizes that legally he doesn't have much footing, and wonders if Daphne will just take Diana. Kirsten insists that Daphne wouldn't do that, which might mark the first time Kirsten has ever stuck up for Daphne in any way. Charlie agrees and then says that he's trying to do the right thing, but he isn't sure what that is. I yell at the screen that the right thing might be to buy an alarm clock so he doesn't have to turn on the light in the middle of the night and wake up his clearly ailing wife.
Bailey shows up drunk at Holly's apartment. She keeps trying to tell him she's not interested in talking to him, and then attempts to shut the door, but he won't let her. Holly says that she told him she might be around when he got things sorted out, but clearly that hasn't happened. Bailey starts going off on what "sorted out" means, and yelling, and generally being scary, and trying to push his way inside. Finally, Holly gets the door closed on Scary Bailey.
Charlie goes over to Daphne and Luke's place, where Luke is carrying stuff out to the truck. Luke informs Charlie that Daphne is inside. Charlie walks in and just starts in mid-conversation, "It's weird, because I wanted it the most, but I was the last to see it." Like we're supposed to have a clue what he's talking about, and like a normal person wouldn't start with "hello" or something. Anyway, he says he means that Daphne really is Diana's mom. Daphne wants to know what he's talking about, but he starts going on about things he doesn't want Diana to miss, like a doctor's appointment, and birthday parties. Seriously, is Diana even a year old? Do you think she even understands the concept of a birthday party? Because Charlie is all "Diana really enjoys birthday parties" and I'm guessing that Diana doesn't have a freaking clue. Daphne doesn't get what Charlie is talking about. Charlie says that he wants Daphne to take Diana with her to Texas. He keeps babbling about all these details, but Daphne is just overwhelmingly happy once she realizes that he's serious.
Julia goes to see Justin in his plush house. It's really nice with lots of wood and stained-glass windows. I don't remember his house looking like that. Did his parents hit the jackpot or something? Anyway, Julia says that she lied before and that she is jealous of Justin and Laura. She tells Justin that he's her friend, but he's also "sort of [her] first." "Sort of"? He was her first, unless I missed something. It was Charlie and Kirsten's almost-wedding, and they had a little too much champagne and...well, you know the rest. And then she thought she was pregnant and had that convenient miscarriage which probably marks the first time I was disillusioned by this show, by the way. Anyway, Julia thinks that seeing Justin commit himself to another person is weird, and that she's not sure if she's supposed to feel hopeful that it means she might find someone too (as if she hasn't already been married and divorced and had like a thousand boyfriends) or sad that she's losing "one of the only people who ever made sense" to her. Justin talks really slowly and says that's why he asked if he should slow down, because he's afraid there might be somebody else he should be with, and that if he were to "make a list of who that might be, who do you think is number one?" If he were saying that to anyone but Julia, I'd probably find it really touching. Instead, I find it kind of revolting. Julia wonders what they should do now, like maybe she thinks they should run away together or get married or something. Justin says he's engaged -- not married, but engaged. He's going back to New Haven with Laura, and they'll see what happens.
Daphne and Luke are tying some stuff to the top of their car while Charlie says goodbye to Diana, as if she can understand a word he's saying. I'm not going to type out all the stupid stuff he says because it annoyed me. Daphne hugs Kirsten and Charlie goodbye and says they will call from the road. Charlie shakes hands with Luke and orders him to take care of them. The van pulls away and Charlie and Kirsten wave goodbye. Whew! One less basement inhabitant for me to worry about.
Bailey is at the restaurant working on the books, and he takes a little break to down half a beer in about two seconds. Later, he's sitting in his bedroom and Claudia knocks on the door. In a flat voice, Bailey asks what she wants. Claudia was worried because his Jeep was parked funny and his keys were just thrown on the floor. Bailey says he doesn't want Claudia to be there right now. Claudia replies that this is her one appearance in this episode, so she's going to make it count before they send her back to the basement. Julia stops by, like she hasn't been in enough scenes in this episode. Bailey tells them nothing is wrong and knocks the cordless phone over. The girls immediately detect that he's been drinking from that move. Bailey says they told him to relax, so he did. Claudia says she's going to call Charlie. Bailey says that it's not "some big emergency," and that he had a bad day, so he had a couple of drinks, but it doesn't mean he's going to "burst into flames." Julia asks how this happened. Bailey starts going on about how their parents died and so he had all this responsibility, but you know what? They already went through all this last time Bailey was drinking, so I'm not going to rehash it. You know the drill. Bailey is sick of being the responsible one all the time, so he's going to go watch "some tube." Who calls television "the tube"? I blame the alcohol. Julia and Claudia try to figure out what to do. Claudia looks disgusted with Bailey, which is actually consistent with her reaction last time. Julia wonders if they have the number for his sponsor. Claudia doesn't know, since it's been so long. They hear a door slam and run downstairs to find that Bailey has left with his car keys.
Bailey drives down the street. He's mad at the radio. He passes another car because he feels it's going to slow. The driver honks the horn, and Bailey turns around to yell. While turned around, he goes through a red light. Another car slams into the side of his Jeep, and Bailey spins out of control and ends up bashing into a pole. I swear, they used the same "Jeep spinning" footage the last time. Probably, Fox won't allocate them much money since the show is almost over. Anyway, fade out with the sound of the horn honking.