To Halve or Halve Not

If you've stuck around this long, you may already know that this is part two of a two-part City of Angels consecutive-night ratings stunt. Only because of the show's low ratings, calling it a stunt is a little shady. It would be like seeing Evel Kneivel jump over a Buick using a stepladder and some Air Jordans and calling that a stunt.

Previously on City: Ossie Davis pretended he was a king when really he's a schizophrenic homeless man with a bad case of gangrene in the legs; Dr. Williams asked Dr. Ana Syphax out to a hip salsa club. While there, they spied her former flame, Dr. Ben Turner, shaking his booty with his new love, Dr. Lilian (Vivica to her friends) Price.

We open on a night sky at the hospital, and then the glare of an exam lamp and then Dr. Williams walking purposefully to the ER. What was that all about? Is that to signify that even in our darkest hour, Williams is our ray of light? Hardly. Williams goes to examine a young Asian woman who is having stomach pains. (Dear CBS: Another minority? Wow, you guys sure do know how to make a point.) Wesley Williams rules out appendicitis and thinks it could be a womanly infection or some bad food. The woman reveals that she ate sushi the night before, and Williams says that could be it. She asks if she can leave the hospital, and Dr. Williams leaves it up to her. She moans about an early class and says she wants to leave. The nurse who looks just like Tempestt Bledsoe from The Cosby Show looks on disapprovingly. When Williams is done, Tempestt asks if he shouldn't have checked with the attending physician before discharging the woman. Wesley "No Longer a Wuss" Williams repeats his earlier findings and comes to the same conclusions: He is so right. "I don't know. She looks sick," Tempestt says. Oh, nurse, please spare us your medical lingo! Despite this empathic, psychic call, they let the woman go home.

thing you know, a big, burly man who looks a little like John C. Reilly in Magnolia is carrying what looks like an old sack of potatoes in a blue shirt. It turns out that sack of potatoes is hospital director Ed O'Malley and he's holding a bloody rag to his head. (Perhaps somebody tried to twice-bake him?) Dr. Williams and Tempestt Bledsoe lead O'Malley to an O' bed and do an O'xamination. An extra asks the burly guy, who is wearing a Secret Service suit, to leave. He says, "No. I stay here." O'Malley turns his head and he looks like he got his ass kicked, except his face got in the way. He is bloody, bruised, cut and swollen, as if he somehow made Richie Aprile from The Sopranos very upset. "Call Ben Turner," he moans, "I'll only talk to him." We cut immediately to the opening credits.

And now, after much ado, the theme song to City of Angels:

[Big, Prince-sounding scream from "Gett Off"]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
When we're sick and we're frightened
And walk the nights alone
We pray our burden shall be lightened
By your merciful, sweet song.
[Note: I don't think it's an accident that Michael Warren as Ron Harris appears during that last line]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
[Mariah Carey scream]
And when the darkness dims our hopes
And no one left to turn
A mighty beacon burning bright
It is the angels of the night

Random L.A. street scenes bring us back to the puffy wound that is Ed O'Malley. He tells Turner that after a budget meeting, he was craving some late night French toast, so he sent his bodyguard home. Then he got mugged while walking in Los Angeles at 3 AM. He tells Turner that if he were as virile as the good doctor, he would have beat up the punks who jumped him. Turner says there are nothing more than superficial wounds even though O'Malley looks like a Halloween pumpkin on Thanksgiving. O'Malley starts to leave. Turner says he'd like to keep him for twenty-four hours, but the wounded Ed says he just has a bruised ego and wants to leave. Turner comments on Ed's nice shirt for no real reason. The man's hands are shaking. Turner offers to let him do a police report, but O'Malley says he didn't see their faces and doesn't want the bad press. As he's wheeled off, O'Malley tells Turner he wants to give him owner's box tickets to a Dodgers game. Not a bad way to start the morning. Williams comments to Turner after O'Malley leaves that the man's shirt was awfully clean considering what a bloody mess he was. Turner says he's not sure if the story was the truth, but he doesn't care because he's going to a Dodgers game.

In the hallway, Dr. Ana Syphax is leading a group of medical students. Dr. Williams, who just went out on a date with her on last week's show, says, "Hey." She passes and he gets a total dis. I mean, she might as well have spat on his scrubs. The medical students walk off and Wesley comes up to her and asks why she did that. "There's such a thing as professional etiquette," she says. He complains that all he did was say hello. She tells him this isn't a summer camp. All she wants is for him to be discreet. "Think of it as a form of chivalry," she says. "Kiss goodbye?" he asks. She leaves. Dr. Jackson walks by and Williams greets him with, "Top of the morning!" "What have you been smoking?" Jackson asks. Apparently Williams hasn't been discreet about that either.

Down another hall, Dr. Turner flags down Dr. Price. The difference between this relationship and the Dr. Syphax/Dr. Williams one is that when the man says, "Hey!" the woman actually reacts. Lilian Price says she's off to have breakfast with her ex-husband, who is in town and wants to talk. Price says she's curious and Turner asks if the man is coming to beg for her love, and whether he (Turner) should be worried. "Let's see, he's treating me to an expensive breakfast and my current love can't scramble an egg. What could there be to worry about?" Turner chuckles. I hate to bring up The Sopranos again, but if Richie Aprile were here, he would have knocked Dr. Price senseless for that. Turner and Price have a kiss and she's off.

Back in the ER, Ossie "The Guy Who Thinks He's Royalty" Davis is wheeled in, shivering and cold. He's been out all night, and looks it. Turner tells Dr. Jackson that he knows The King and has been treating him since Turner was a resident. Ossie explains, moaning, "The Gauls! A sneak attack...Our coffers are pillaged, our sanctuary breached..." I get up to go grab something from the fridge. We pan down his legs which still look like watered-down sushi. He requests a private audience with Turner and Jackson while I requisition some Easy Cheese from the cooled storage chamber of my castle. Ossie gets his crown and scepter back and anoints the two doctors as knights. Instead of sedating him, they just wheel him away. "Ten years I've known him. He's never knighted me," Turner says. Jackson asks if he should call Turner "Sir." "Always call me Sir," Turner responds. The laughs just keep on coming.

Somewhere else in town, Price arrives at a sunny little restaurant. She meets her ex-husband Michael, who used to be married to Lisa Bonet on The Cosby Show. He is strapping and goateed, with a little of Ron Harris's fashion sense. Michael, a big-shot lawyer, hasn't seen Price in two years. He could have subpoenaed her at any time, but chose not to. They exchange pleasantries; he exercises now and does yoga. (psst, Price: He's gay. He works out, swims, does yoga, is a sharp dresser, and invites women out for breakfast, not dinner. Gay, hon. Just thought I'd warn you.) "Doesn't sound like the man I used to know," she says. And how. He's also stopped drinking, he says now. Apparently, that contributed to their divorce. "I need to make amends," he says. But first, he wants to have breakfast so he can ease her into it. She gives him a curious look. We time-travel to an hour later when she's still talking about how virile everybody thinks her current lover is. "Boy is he virile," she says. "I mean, he is so virile. Everybody thinks so, not just me. Like this doctor, Ana Syphax, for instance. She says he's nothing but virile." After she's done gushing about the luscious Dr. Ben Turner, Michael is ready to drop the bombshell. He said he's found someone. Someone who's changed his life. Someone who helped him find out a simple truth. "Lilian, I'm gay," he says. Lilian looks as if she's been slapped. Gay-slapped. Then she warms up to the idea and pats him on the hand in a patronizing way. "Good for you," she says. "You're showing a lot of courage." Fish on Ally McBeal looks over from the table (he's away on business from Boston) and wonders if he should come out this way. Michael then drops Bombshell Number Two. He tested positive for HIV. "Lilian, have you been tested?" he asks. "You screwed men while we were married?" she hisses. Then she curses, gets mad, and immediately fades to black and white as we go to commercial. Fish at the table crosses out, "Come out to law partners, romantic partners" from his To Do List.