Unhand Me

Previously on City of Angels: Front desk jockey Evyline Walker is chastised by Dr. Lilian "Vivica Fox" Price for being saucy to the waiting patients; Dr. Ben "Blair Underwood" Turner tells his girlfriend Anna that she's silly to be jealous of Dr. Price, the ex-fiancée he just finished kissing; the budding romance of Nurse Patterson and Dr. Weiss is nipped in the, well, bud when Patterson's black father tells Weiss he doesn't want a Jewish Beastie Boy-looking son-in-law; Turner confronts Price because she's abandoning her Angels of Mercy post to go run UCLA's hospital: "From now on you and me are business," he says, and because it's Blair Underwood, you really want to believe that.

This episode is called "Unhand Me." My dear friend Heather Cocks, who is watching along, has already surmised that there will be a disembodied hand in this episode. She's smart like that.

A Hammond organ and a gospel singer bring us through a smoggy L.A. skyline with "Heeeeyyyy, whoo hooooo" before dumping us at Angels of Mercy hospital, where Dr. Geoffrey Weiss is finishing attending to a patient in a leg cast. Weiss tells the patient he'll be up and around soon, and walks off. The patient, who looks pretty immobile to me, thinks, "Who is this gentle Jewish doctor who heals like the wind and whose Tibetan-inspired music makes me want to get my body movin'?" Just as Weiss leaves the curtained area, Nurse Patterson walks right by him, ignoring him the way you would somebody offering little tiny copies of the Bible on a street corner. "Grace?" Weiss asks. "Sorry, I can't stop right now," she says, clipboard in hand, neck craned back. There should be a rule about that in a hospital: No walking without looking forward.

Patterson joins a meeting already in progress between Dr. Price, Turner's squeeze Anna and the little-seen Dr. "Not Tito" Jackson. The four are arguing because a night nursing supervisor and the head of the ICU have different versions as to why there aren't any beds available for newborns. Dr. Price, wearing a pin-striped power suit, goes on a paperwork rant because nobody at this hospital has a passion for it the way she does. "Then we can't take care of sick babies or anybody else," she says, while a patient in the background does a spit take. She goes on to say that everybody is passing the buck and saying it's not their fault. She is interrupted mid-rant by the intercom calling for her. She rolls her eyes heavenward like, "Why must I be surround by frickin' idiots?" and finishes on a condescending tone: "Either people start taking some personal responsibility for their work and begin to think like a team, we're all going to be looking for a job." The implied threat is that if this doesn't start working and the show doesn't attracts better ratings, everybody's going to be sending résumés to the WB. This inspires looks of fear on the faces of Anna, Dr. Jackson, and Nurse Patterson. Dr. Weiss walks up nonchalantly and deadpans, "Did she just fire everybody?" Dr. Weiss's full name, we come to find out, is Dr. Weiss-Ass. Price hears the remark, and turns at the door. She chews him out about his paperwork and tells him that if he doesn't do it, he can work someplace else. Dr. Weiss looks scared because he doesn't even have the WB to fall back on. "I liked her better in Soul Food," he thinks, maliciously.

Cut to the Bald Men's Room -- Ron Harris's plush office -- where Harris is sitting at his desk across from a bald white guy. Harris grins stupidly for no real reason, and then Price walks in. Both men stand as if this is the first time they've ever been this close to Vivica A. Fox. Harris introduces the man as Dr. Irving something, but is interrupted. "Dr Irwin Cutler," the man says, "Joint Commission." Just when I think this is the start of a really swinging party, it turns out that "Joint Commission" is Jayko, the organization that accredits the hospital. Cutler says he's there for a pre-review and that they should be glad they've been chosen. Harris, still grinning like a loon, says, "Yes, yes, we're proud," and then gets in his inappropriate metaphor of the week: "Our Jayko preparation is like a delicate symphony." So are certain brands of Hershey's chocolate bars. "Any premature performance," Harris begins, while most men watching the show cringe, "would only confirm your readiness for the full survey week!" Cutler finishes for Harris. "Shall we?" Cutler invites. Harris nods and smiles like Jayko is a DisneyWorld add-on. Cutler wrinkles his eyebrows invitingly. Dr. Price looks like she'd rather be anywhere else, like maybe on the set of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

Price, Cutler, and Harris walk down the hallway, where Harris points out that they color-coded the linoleum. Hey, it's not required by Jayko, but the ladies dig it. Harris sees a guy pushing a breakfast cart toward them. He tries to divert the group, but Cutler says he wants to ask the young fellow a few questions. The cart guy, who greets them with, "Good day, brothers!...Sister!" is the spiritual heir of Chris Rock's mailroom clerk character in Boomerang. Cutler introduces himself to the man as "J. Cutler." Look, are you Irwin, Irving, or J.? Cutler must thinks he's The Talented Mr. Cutler. Cutler asks Breakfast Cart Guy to point out the nearest fire extinguisher. Now come on, J. Not even the firefighters know that. Breakfast Cart Guy says, "Hell, that would be like pissing in the wind, man. This old barn would go up so fast you'd best just kick back and trip on the pyrate." Price looks embarrassed, Harris looks chagrined and Cutler looks confused, as if he's forgotten his "Black to Very Very Very White Language Decoder Ring." Cutler asks Breakfast Cart Guy to "state the mission of his department." Oh Lord. Breakfast Cart Guy starts rambling about something and calls the Jayko guy "Mr. Cutler." "Dr. Cutler," the man interrupts. This guy is all about the name games. Cutler asks what the Breakfast Cart Guy would do if the nurse said his patient was on a low-sodium diabetic diet. "I'm cool. I got extra trays on board," Breakfast Cart Guy answers. Harris and Price offer support that their Meals on Cart Wheels are second-to-none. "Talk is cheap," Cutler says. So is changing your name every ten seconds. Breakfast Cart Guy pulls out a tray from the bottom to satisfy Cutler. He pulls off the cover and inside is a big, nasty-looking disembodied hand.

Heather and Omar: "UNHAND ME!"

Back in Harris's office, Cutler has just changed his first name to "Pissed." He says that, in twenty-two years, he's never seen such an egregious violation. Price is trying to remember how to spell "egregious" so that she can put it in her paperwork later while Cutler continues, calling the innocent Breakfast Cart Guy a nutcase and speculating on what would have happened if a poor, unsuspecting patient had come across the hand. Trust me, anyone who's ever eaten real hospital food would only have been surprised that the hand didn't come served in gravy. Harris says, with forced optimism, that the hospital will be ready for the Jayko survey. Cutler tells Harris that it all falls on him and that if he fails, his résumé won't be worth a roll of toilet tissue. Harris rolls that bit of imagery around in his head while Cutler walks out to pass himself off as "Enrique" Cutler to a cute passing nurse. "What do you need?" Harris asks Price. His full co-operation, she says. "Full and unequivocal, like always," Harris says. Price projects disbelief about this remark in the form of Significant Eye-Roll Number Three, but takes what she can get. "Let's start at the top," she says. Ron Harris gets all ready to get bitched out by Dr. Cutler again, but it turns out she's still in character when she says it.

Cut to the hall where Dr. Turner is flagged down by Price. He's supposed to be at a Jayko planning meeting, but instead he's irresponsibly attending to medical emergencies in the ER. Well, if he can't make the meeting, she says, maybe he can meet with the house staff later. Turner says he'll try. Before she can walk off, he says "Lilian," and you know he's about to get all needy on her. He says that the last time they talked, he lost his temper. Her career goals are her own, and are none of his business. Ya think? She offers that she could have been more forthcoming about her career plans, even though they really are none of his business. He says she's doing her job at Angels of Mercy and getting it done, severed hands and all. He offers her a little patronizing pat on the elbow and walks off. "It's just..." she says, bringing him back. She says she feels like ever since she got to the hospital they've been on an emotional roller coaster. One day they're making out in the broom closet [Heather and I both go, "Whoa!"], the they're at each other's throats. Or maybe it was that they were at each other's throats in the broom closet. These things can get confusing. Turner apologizes again, then gives her a look meant to melt the cold butter around her heart. He gives her a high five and tells her to give them Hell. Just not in the broom closet.

Cut to Clerk Evyline Walker, who tells a patient that if he wants a neurology appointment, he'll have to wait four months. The man, who looks a little like Grady from Sanford and Son, says that he has an acute neurological crisis, and that everything spins, like the washing machine, and his car's wheels and that spinner whenever he plays Twister. He needs help! Walker says, "Think I don't recognize you?" and gets on him for coming in so often on his disability benefits. Walker suddenly rubs her belly and looks like she's in pain, which on TV means that you're either in a commercial for Maalox or that you're pregnant. "Aw sweet thing," Grady says, coming back to put the Old Man Smooth Talk on her. He asks when the Blessed Event will be. Walker is due in fifteen weeks. He asks if it's a boy or girl. It's a big boy, like his Daddy, Walker replies, which means that if he doesn't get the hell away from the desk, Big Daddy is going to come and give him an acute fist crisis. Grady calls it a miracle and then subtly segues into asking if she could do a little miracle for him with the schedule. Is this man smooth or what? Walker moves her full lips around like she's going to do a camel spit, but instead overbooks for week, adding Grady to the schedule. A nurse, who has even more sass and a higher-pitched voice, strolls over to tell Walker that she's turning into a cupcake. This is foreshadowing for later when Walker will in fact be turned into a road pancake. The nurse says that in addition to these people (pan to sad, sick-looking people), they have a bunch of Jayko crap to deal with courtesy of Dr. Lilian "Broom Closet" Price. Walker says she needs a break, but promises to return as The Iron Lady.

Outside, as the gospel chords play, Walker directs a withering look at a smoker standing outside, until he puts out his cancer stick. Walker, ripe with child, hears some grunting and moaning off to the side and begins walking that way. She spots two people struggling in a car. "Hey! Hey! HEY!" she yells. She starts pulling a scruffy-looking guy in blue flannel off a woman. Walker, no stranger to yelling, cries, "Boy! Girl! Ooh, my God, no you don't!" and after the girl escapes, Walker tries to get the keys out of the ignition. The car takes off, dragging Walker back. She is tossed aside, where she rolls backward and onto her belly. The car backs up, revs, then heads straight for Walker just as she's getting up. She gets hit, then flips over the Oldsmobile's roof, T.J. Hooker-style. She lands on her front and it all looks very painful and terrifying. The almost-rape victim screams in horror. The car takes off and the woman frantically calls for help.