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Adam's family is having trouble adjusting to having Zeek around. Mostly because he's an ass. His presence doesn't help Haddie, who is still kind of moping around since her break-up. On Kristina's suggestion, she has a slumber party, to which she invites Amber. Amber breaks down and confesses to her what happened with Steve.
Camille, however, is focusing her energy on making changes. She wants to focus on her art -- converting her attic into an art studio -- and especially on her art class teacher, Matthew, a swarthy dude who flirts with her in front of Sarah. Later, it goes farther than flirting. Camille goes home with him.
To help her parents, Julia enlists the help of an old flame, a money-manager named Timm (yes, Timmmmm). Joel struggles with this, especially since the guy is a scumbag. He wants to work on the problem himself, but Julia doesn't think he can do it.
Sarah breaks her promise to Camille and tells Adam about Zeek's infidelity. In true Braverman style, he also promises not to tell anyone, but angrily confronts his dad.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Oh, AMBER. Morning dawns on the golf course and Amber finds herself laid out in a gazebo, on top of Steve, clothes strewn around. Immediately, serious regret hits her like train, and she jumps up, frantic to leave, yelling at Steve that if he tells anyone about what they did, she'll kill him. "Can't we talk about this?" Steve asks, hurt. Amber, hastily buttoning her uniform blouse, says no, they can't. "Because there is no 'we,'" she says. "You're Haddie's boyfriend! I'm her cousin! I can't believe I did this!" Steve reminds her that he is no longer Haddie's boyfriend, and seems amazed that she's upset. "Last night," he says, "I know you felt it, too." Crazed, Amber says none of that matters. "I can't do this with you!" she cries, and runs away.
Things are... crowded in Adam's kitchen. The family is already busily trying to get their day started when Zeek wanders in. "Morning, Grandpa," Max says, which surprises me -- maybe he has been working on social greetings with Gabby. Adam asks how Zeek slept, and he says there was a chirping in his head all night. "Those were my crickets!" Max announces. Zeek smirks that that's a nice pet. He takes a sip of coffee and grimaces again asking what it is. "It's hazelnut," Kristina says, and while I am totally on her side that a guest should like it or lump it, I also hate flavored coffee. But not enough to act like a dick about it, as Zeek does. He grabs his jacket and says he's going out to get some coffee, and some donuts. This sets off a bomb in the kitchen, of course, because Max is furious that he can't have donuts, himself. He throws a huge fit, which Zeek waves away as he closes the door.
Sarah is making pancakes at HQ, trying to explain to Drew that they need to be extra-nice to Camille right now because she and Grandpa had a fight. Drew is concerned, but perhaps more concerned about the pancakes he's about to have to eat. "Do you want a real-done one, or a not-done one?" Sarah asks him, ultimately serving him one of each. A balanced breakfast. Amber comes in, looking totally disheveled. "You're home early," Sarah says, as Drew cuts his sister a look. Amber mumbles something about her friend Kayla, with whom I presume she was supposed to be sleeping over (on a school night?), and cuts her mom off, saying they can talk later. Sarah is looking concerned about this when they are interrupted by Camille, who cannot stop for these "delicious" pancakes, because she is on her way out to painting class. Dude, what time is it? You have a painting class at 7:30 in the morning? Well, wait a minute -- what do I know? I can barely paint a wall with a roller. At the door, Camille announces that she's finally decided to convert the attic to a painting studio, something she has talked about for years. "Right now?" Sarah asks, surprised. Camille: "Yeah, and there's a lot of junk up there..." Sarah is upset. "Junk? Mom, that's all of our childhood stuff up there," she says. Camille says yeah, and they're all going to have to go up there and go through it, and take what they want, because "whatever's left, I'm going to either give away or... burn." Dang! Sarah and Drew look worried.
Julia is at her kitchen table, looking through Zeek's financial papers, when Joel comes in. She can't believe her dad got so upside-down on his property deal, but is determined to get him out of it. The whole problem between her parents, she says, is because of this bad investment, and if she fixes it, she can get them back together and everything back to normal. Oh, the innocence of the youngest child. Joel feels bad for her, but says that he looked through the stuff, too, and can't see how she can do much for Zeek. Julia pauses. "That's actually what I needed to talk to you about," she says, kind of nervous. "I was thinking of calling Tim." Joel blanches. "I know Tim's not your favorite person," she says. Joel: "Not even close." Julia says yes, but Tim knows real estate. "Well, I know real estate, Julia," Joel reminds her. "I was a contractor." Julia knows he's upset, and says yes, but Tim is a fund manager with a ton of connections. "This is his job," she says. "Tim," Joel grouses. "Timmmmmm." Julia: "Okay, so he has two Ms in his name. Let's keep it in perspective." Oh, NO. Joel: "I am... mmmm." Hee. Joel shrugs and said that this Timm dude tried to steal her from him -- how does she expect him to react? "It's for my dad," Julia says, and Joel is chagrined. "Okay," he says. "I'll do it for himmmmmm. Not Timmmmm." Awesome.
Jasmine and Crosby have arrived at a laundromat. Crosby, frankly, looks nervous. "Relax," Jasmine tells him as she catches him cringing at the machines. "It's not the large super collider." But, see, she doesn't understand. He had "the perfect setup!" You know, the one where he'd take his laundry over to his parents' house and sit around watching TV until it was "magically" done and folded! I am not sure why Jasmine doesn't kick him in the shins, but she somehow refrains. "Now that they're in this fight," he says, "I can't even stop by there, because it's too stressful." Jasmine: "It's a real tragedy." She makes an attempt to teach him the mysteries of sorting. "You know how to separate colors, right?" she asks. He smiles. "Well, you know I don't know how to separate... colors," he says, moving in to kiss her. "Why are you trying segregate my laundry?" Why are they trying to make me root for Crosby? Because he can be so lame, and yet I love him, somehow, especially with Jasmine.
Adam is at work, takin' care of business on the phone when Sarah comes in, all morose. She sits down on the other side of his desk while he excitedly goes over figures and plans with some colleague. He is still talking when he looks up to notice that his sister has started crying. "You okay?" he asks, worried. "What's going on?" She breaks down. "You want to know why Mom was so upset last night?" she says. Adam assumes it's because Zeek didn't tell their mom about the investment issue. "Adam," Sarah cries. "Dad cheated on Mom." She says Camille made her promise not to tell, but she just can't handle it. Adams goes white. "When did this happen?" he asks. Sarah says she doesn't know, but that Adam has to promise not to tell, too. "All right, I promise." he says, shaking his head distantly. "God," he says, getting angry. "That son-of-a-bitch."
In classic Braverman style, his promise not to tell anyone is broken immediately. "That son-of-a-bitch," Kristina says, on hearing the news later at Adam's office. "How could he do this to her?" Adam asks. "How?" Kristina says she doesn't know -- the same way any guy does it to their wives. "Maybe low self-esteem?" she says. "They take those little blue pills that make their... things go..." Haa! Kristina has the best ad libs. Adam says yeah, well, whatever the case, it's not genetic. "Because I would never, ever do that to you," he says. Kristina says she never would have thought that he would. "It makes me sick," Adam says. Kristina agrees that it is sickening, especially because Zeek is in their house right now. She resolves not to say anything about it or act weird around him. She asks if Adam is going to tell Julia or Crosby. He puts his head in his hands and says he doesn't think so.
At the high school, Amber's day has gone from bad to worse as she faces the soul-killing reality of losing money in a vending machine. She is just about to karate chop the thing when Steve sidles up, asking if they can talk about what happened. "No," she says, and shoots him totally down, saying he needs to stop talking to her and leave her alone. Across the way, Haddie sees all this and smiles to herself, no doubt thinking Steve was hassling Amber about her.
The sibs meet for... lunch? I guess? At their usual diner. Y'all, sometimes the freestyle banter really gets on my nerves. Anyway, Julia mentions that she has called Timm and that they'll be meeting for second lunch to discuss the real estate deal. "What's a second lunch?" Crosby asks. Julia says it's something you do when you don't wear shorts to work. Uh, I have never had a job where I wore shorts to work (except this one, to which I don't even wear shorts, har har) and I have never heard of "second lunch." Does Julia work for a Hobbit law firm? The Firm of Baggins, Took and... Crookshanks? What? I couldn't think of one. (Oh, all right, I am kidding. I love all those books and the films, full-on nerd-style.) Anyway, Google is no help. Is this a real thing? At my last office, we called our 3 p.m. snack strike a second lunch. Incidentally, 3 p.m. is a deadly time of day in an office full of women. Julia, in any case, reiterates her determination to save Zeek and their parents' marriage. Meanwhile, Sarah shares the news about Camille's insistence that they clean their stuff out of the attic. Crosby immediately jumps on this, asking if that includes the piano he has stored up there. Why (and how) anyone would put a piano in an attic is beyond my comprehension, but most importantly, why (and how) Crosby wants to put it on his houseboat, is beyond reality. Julia agrees with me on this point. "What are you, the zoning commission?" Crosby asks. Adam wonders when Crosby became so sentimental about this piano he learned to play on. They agree that the piano thing is the least of their worries. "Adam," Julia says. "I will solve Dad's financial problems. I got this. I will." Adam smiles sadly. "I know you will," he says.
Haddie has arrived home from school to find Zeek back in the kitchen drinking "virgin screwdrivers." Or, as my people call it: orange juice. With little preamble, he congratulates her for "resisting, when that boy was trying to get you to have intercourse with him. I'm so proud of you." Haddie's face drains of all color. "Well," she says, nodding and trying not to die. "Thanks, Grandpa." Sometimes Sarah Ramos looks so much like Monica Potter it is crazy. Speaking of MP, Kristina passes Haddie on the stairs, now, and asks her what's wrong. "Just... Grandpa," Haddie says, sighing. Kristina sighs and asks what happened. Haddie shrugs, wanting to let it go, and says it was nothing. "I'm just going to go be alone," she adds, but Kristina isn't having it. "You've been spending way too much time alone," she says. Haddie rolls her eyes and says she's fine, but Kristina insists that she's not, and is struck by an inspired idea. "Haddie, why don't you have a... now, don't gross out at the word... a good, old-fashioned slumber party." Haddie starts to blow it off, but as Kristina gets more excited, talking about inviting girls over and making muddy buddies and hanky pankies, and pulling out the Ouija board, Haddie can't help but smile. "Would you really do that?" she asks, tentatively letting her guard down. Kristina says that yes, she wants to do it for her. "You're so down," she says, and finally Haddie relents. Kristina is thrilled. "I'll get you some michi!" she says. "Mochi," Haddie corrects her, and I don't know what she's talking about, but surely it isn't this, right? I had about, oh, 100 slumber parties in my day, and I am feeling left out that I am not up on the current lingo. Don't tell me teenage girls are making glutinous rice cakes at slumber parties these days. [No, they're buying and eating delicious ice cream treats. - Zach]
In the attic at HQ, Sarah and Crosby pick through the detritus of their childhoods. "My cottonball bunny!" Sarah squeals, finding a kindergarten treasure. "You think Mom would torch that? She would, right? She'd torch it in a second." Crosby has no time for tears about the crafts of their youth. He's worried about his piano and, like me, wonders how on Earth his parents got it into their attic. It's an excellent question. "I don't know," Sarah says. "How would you get it out? Put it through the window with a real strong rope?" Ha! Has she never seen cartoons? That never works! Crosby complains that the whole point of having parents is to be able to keep your crap in their attics, and as someone who has been hounded constantly since 1995 to remove my own crap from my parents' house, I concur. Sarah, however, disagrees. She crabs that Mom wants the space and they should be respectful of that. "You don't think this is about something else?" he asks. "Not the space?" Sarah snaps at him for being so sentimental about the piano he hasn't touched or thought of in years. "I'm not feeling sentimental," he says. "I'm feeling pragmatic. I'm pragmatically preserving this piece of our family's history and... MOM!" He runs down the attic stairs to complain to the source. Sarah calls after him, and finds him in the kitchen harassing Camille. "Why don't you paint in the back yard?" he needles. "That's what Matisse did, and all the greats!" Camille: "Yeah?" Crosby admits he's not positive about Matisse. He continues to try to make her change her mind about the attic, claiming it is too hard to make decisions about the stuff up there. "Change is healthy," Camille says, calling him "Goose," which is so cute. Eyes-wide at her blissful attitude, Crosby says that the whole healthy change thing is an urban legend. "Sometimes you just have to make a choice," Camille says, and floats from the room. Crosby can't take it. "Do you think she's talking about Dad and her?" he asks, turning on Sarah. "How serious is this?" Sarah angrily says she doesn't know. "You're supposed to be our source on-site!" Crosby says. "You're our eyes and ears to the situation!" Sarah shrugs. "I reject this, entirely," Crosby adds. "I do, for real. They're gonna work it out, like they always do, end of story." Sarah tries to keep her voice casual: "Totally. I hope so."
At Julia's, Joel is cleaning up kid toys, and wondering how it is that Julia had lunch with Timmmm, specifically to talk about Zeek's investment, and somehow failed to bring up... Zeek's investment. "It's just like I said," Julia says. "It got cut short for that conference call with Tokyo." Joel: "Tokyo. What a jerk." Hee. "He's a jerk because he had a conference call with someone in Tokyo?" Julia asks, and Joel very rightly says that, you know, he's allowed not to like someone. "Just like you never liked Stacey," he says. Julia insists that Stacey was not likeable. "She had that weird, tall-girl way of walking around," she says. "So arrogant!" Hey! I am tall! Excuse me while I go parade in front of the mirror to see if I look arrogant. Lord, I hope so. Joel suggests they have Timmmmm over for dinner. "No, no, no, no..." Julia says, but Joel insists that he'll behave, if Tim(mmm)m does. "Your dad needs help," he says. "And, he's been so kind to me over the years, what with the eunuch jokes." Ugh. Stupid Zeek. "So, you'd do this for me?" Julia asks, smiling and wrapping her arms around him. "If only he knew how much of a eunuch you're not." Joel laughs: "Let's tell him!" And they smooch it up. I really like Joel, and I love that he stays home with Sydney, but I wish they would do some backstory on how they came to this decision and why Julia, Madame Career, decided to have a baby at 25, anyway.
Jasmine and Jabbar are visiting the houseboat for dinner, as Crosby measures the boat trying to find a place for his piano. Naturally, Jasmine is cooking dinner, as Crosby has probably never used his kitchen other than to warm up pizza. "Just because people don't normally put pianos on houseboats, doesn't mean it's not a good idea!" he says. "I'm an innovator! I'm like the first guy to put a microwave on a houseboat. They probably said that guy was crazy." Jasmine reminds him that a microwave weighs 10 pounds. "And a piano," Jabbar chimes in, "weighs six meeeeellion!" Crosby says it's more like 600, which is well-within the carrying capacity of the vessel. May I pause here and tell a brief story of my husband's 40th birthday party? It was two years ago, and I rented a houseboat, as a total surprise to him, on one of our local lakes. Eight friends came from all over the country to celebrate with us for three nights, and we totally, utterly BAMBOOZLED him with our trickery. When I look back on it, now, I realize I worked harder on that weekend than I did on my own wedding. Which may explain why I had to have an emergency appendectomy the day after it was all over. Worth it, people! Totes worth it -- and it was an appendectomy the hard way, not the new-fangled laparoscopic way. No! Major abdominal surgery, and I would do it all again. I am not sure why they didn't take my liver out at the same time, because that's definitely the organ that took the most abuse that weekend, for real. Rest assured, though he may try, my husband will never top it. I turn 40 in three years (sob!) and he might as well give up now.Unlessssss.... Well, no. Nevermind. Where would he even get an elephant?
Anyway, Crosby says, if there's too much weight, he'll just hang out with tinier, curly-haired people, like Jabbar. With this, he tickles Jabbar into a frenzy, and my heart grows three sizes. Jasmine asks why Crosby can't store the piano at Adam's. "I can't really do that to him, Crosby says. "He's already storing my dad." Aw. Well, Jasmine says, if that's the case, there's only one other option. "You're gonna need a bigger boat, mate! ARRR!" she says, murdering the famous Jaws quote, complete with the wrong accent. "You did Quinn!" Crosby says. "And it's Ray Scheider's line, I think." Jasmine smirks at him: "Actually, it's Roy Scheider's line." Happily, she brings the dinner to the table, and serves it up. "This is really nice," Crosby says, and they smile moonily at each other, repeating about 10 times how nice it is while Jabbar chows down and wonders why parents are so weird.
Back at Adam's, Zeek is watching the game when suddenly the TV changes automatically to SpongeBob. He freaks out, of course, but this time I can't blame him. If that song started blasting in my face unexpectedly, I would also become enraged. Perhaps not to the extent that Zeek does, screaming for Adam to come fix his TV while Max sits down and starts watching his show. Kristina and Adam make Zeek go into another room so they can explain the situation to him like he, himself, is a child. They have to limit Max's TV time, and it has to be predictable for Max, so the TV is set up to switch to SpongeBob right at 7 p.m., and when it's over, it turns itself off. "Ever since we set it up this way, we haven't had a single fight about the TV," Adam says. Kristina: "It's good for Max." Zeek asks if there aren't any exceptions like, even for overtimes or something. A valid question, kind of, but Adam gets mad. "Hey," he says, his facing going hard. "If you don't like it here..." Kristina tries to intervene, but the machismo has already taken over. "You wanna play it that way?" Zeek asks. Zeek sulks up the stairs, saying he'll just go upstairs and listen to the game on his radio, with the crickets. "I'm gonna kill him," Adam says to Kristina, when he's gone. She is all for that.
At school, Haddie stops Amber in the hall to invite her to the slumber party. "It's stupid, but could also be really fun!" Haddie says. "I really want you to come." Amber tries to beg off, citing her algebra test. Is this slumber party happening on a school night? I don't understand how this town has no weekends. Anyway, Haddie begs her to come, saying that she has to be there. "Seriously, when you make fun of Steve, it makes me feel so much better!" she says. "Please!" Flummoxed, Amber can't do anything but say yes, though of course she would rather die of shame than go.
Crosby is... house shopping? Ah, he saw an open house sign and now a realtor shows him through a cute two-bedroom, talking up the neighborhood. "Do you think a piano would fit through that door?" he asks, pointing to the front. "Upright or grand?" the realtor asks. Crosby: "Well, it's not Elton John's piano, so... upright." The realtor titters politely. Crosby asks if the local schools are any good, and the guy says they are. "Do you have a family?" he asks. Crosby says it's, uh, complicated. "I did recently acquire a son," he says. "He's really cute." He proudly shows the realtor pictures of Jabbar and Jasmine. "Is it just the three of you?" the realtor asks. Crosby: "Yyyyeah, probably. The piano's a definite, though. The rest of it's a work in progress." The guy shows him the rest of the house, ending in the kitchen, off of which is the washer/dryer unit. "You know what?" Crosby says. "I know how to operate these." The realtor declines to congratulate him on doing something he ought to have known how to do all along.
Adam and Kristina have brought Max to the pet store to reward him for his successful no-tantrums progress report... with a pet. They are quite insane, no doubt, though they obviously know Max pretty well. He doesn't want a dog -- something his grandfather tries to push on him -- he wants a turtle. Zeek casts aspersions, but Max is firm. "I like him," Max says. "He's thinking." He wants the tortoise, and will name him Miles. "Excellent choice,"
Sarah comes upstairs at HQ to ask her mom if she wants to order pizza that night. "I just saw someone eating it on TV," she says, "and it looks so good." People eating on TV has long been a downfall of mine. I remember this particularly effective Taco Bell commercial when I was college. Every time I saw it, I HAD to have Taco Bell, which I did not even like. My roommates would throw themselves in front of our TV, trying to protect me, but it never worked. I was hypnotized! Sarah finds her mom in the bathroom, putting the finishing touches on a very fancy outfit and, frankly, a controversial hairstyle. What is UP with your 'do, Bonnie Bedelia? There are like, curly pieces on the sides, and an inverted mushroom thing happening on top and some kind of duck tail in the back? I am not following. She tells Sarah she is going out -- her whole art class is attending a gallery opening together. Sarah, without indicating it, smells that something's up and invites herself along. "Girls night out!" she says. Her mom is not exactly pleased, but can't exactly refuse. "Okay," she says, "go get dressed." Sarah looks at her jeans and casual shirt. "I am dressed," she says. Camille lays the Classic Mom line on her: "No, really dressed."
Joel and Julia are pacing around their house when Timm(MMmm)mm finally arrives. "Oh, Porsche," Joel grumbles as the dude pulls up, 45 minutes late. He makes no better impression when he comes in, talking about his stupid conference call. "Bet you're glad you don't have to worry about that kind of stuff, right Joel?" he cheeses. Julia, who is dressed like an Amish school boy, laughs uncomfortably. "Wow, stay-at-home dad," Timm continues. "What do I have to do to get that job, right?" Lord. Somebody kill this guy. "Seriously, though," he adds. "It's honorable, what you do." Gag. Julia is caught in the middle of a lot of macho dick measuring. Blergh. I hate this storyline. And Timmmmm.
Sarah comes downstairs, ready to leave, and finds Zeek there. He is picking up some stuff and takes a moment to complain about how Adam's house is run. Sarah is uncomfortable, not just to hear her brother's family run down, but because Camille is right behind her on the stairs. "Whoa, you look beautiful," Zeek says, seeing his wife. She gives him the cold shoulder and does not respond. "So," he says, trying again, "where you girls off to? The cotillion?" Ugh. So sad. Sarah says they're going to an art gallery. "My whole class is going," Camille says, with casual frostiness, and when he tries to talk to her further, she breezes out, saying they'd better get going. Sarah looks guiltily at her dad and follows her mom out the door.
At the art gallery, Sarah meets Camille's teacher... um, the dude is a player. He schmoozes over as soon as they come in, and flirts shamelessly with Camille, "stealing her away" while Sarah stands awkwardly by herself.
Back at Julia's, Joel is enduring the awfulness that is Timm(m)m(m)mMMm. The jag is talking a lot of financial bullshit, making sure to explain to Joel stuff he already knows, just being an all-around assclown, really. He, OF COURSE, gets a call in the middle of dinner and has to take it. "You're my hero," Julia whispers, as Joel grins and bears it, once again.
Back at the art studio, Sarah stands at the hors d'oeuvres table and sullenly watches Camille and Matthew, the art teacher, flirt in the room. "Unbelieveable!" she says to a little queenie man who walks up just looking for some canapes. "Look at her, flirting and giggling! It's like she's in the Sex and the City movie." The little man gasps. "Oh, I'm so looking forward to seeing that sequel!" he says. Sarah turns on him. "Well, so am I!" she snaps. "I'm not dead inside! But the fact is, that guy's a homewrecker!" The tiny man backs away saying he's going to go look at some art.
Major OMGing is going on in Haddie's room. The girls at her slumber party are hopping around in their pajamas while Amber sits on a chaise and does homework in her glasses. "Since when do you like Deathcab?" one of the girls asks. Haddie hems and haws that those are someone else's and she has to return them. Getting it, her friend Tisha breaks the CD in half. "Steve's a douche," her other friend says, and they all laugh. Amber stays out of it. "The Decemberists?" her friend asks, rolling her eyes at yet another great band (OMG, what is wrong with these girls? Who do they like if they don't like these bands?). "Do it," Tisha says, wanting Haddie to break that one, too. "No, no, no," Haddie says, her friends' squealy protests. She turns to her cousin, and asks if she thinks she should do it. "He was a total jerk to you," her friends insist. Amber mumbles that she should do whatever she wants, and Haddie happily breaks the CD, and others to boot.
Back at Adam's, Zeek is snoozing on the couch when Max runs in, frantic. Miles has run away. "Did you check eight inches away from where you left him?" Zeek deadpans, and I sort of love him for it. Adam and Kristina frown, and begin the search and rescue mission. "This is where a dog would come in handy," Zeek says. "'Here, Skipper! Here, boy!' The dog comes. You do that to a turtle? Nothin'." See, just when I hate Zeek, he makes me love him, again. Adam smirks and says he'll get some flashlights.
Sarah is at the gallery, turning her head this way and that in front of a modern painting. "de Kooning gets a royalty every time someone looks at that," Matthew says as he walks up with Camille. While her mother laughs like it's the funniest thing ever said, Sarah merely chuckles politely. "That's an art joke I actually get," she says. Apparently, Camille and Matthew are on their way out. "You're... going...?" Sarah asks, surprised and confused. Matthew explains that a friend of his has an art gallery in Oakland that is also having an opening that night. "It's a few steps down on the pretentious meter," he adds, pretentiously. Sarah says this sounds great. "I'll join you," she says. Camille: "Oh, no, no. That won't be necessary." Aw, DAMN. Shut down by your own mom?! "But, Mom," Sarah says, "how are you going to get home? Do you want me to come get you, later?" Sarah, as if she is the mom here, talking to her teenage daughter, tells her to have fun and watches them go with a very worried look on her face.
Adam and Zeek are in the yard with a flashlight, searching for Miles. Poor Adam and his nonstop wildlife adventures in his yard. "I think I've got him," Adam says, shining the light on a small object in the grass. "If that's him," Zeek says, "I'm gonna enter him into a marathon." He has a point. It is fairly unlikely a tortoise would make it down the stairs of their house in under three weeks. Zeek isn't making this easy on anyone, of course, and suggests they go to the pet store, get a golden retriever and let him find the turtle. "Stop with the damn dog," Adam says, frustrated, still looking for Miles. "Well, you really ought to get Max a real pet, Adam," Zeek says, never one to notice when he's crossed a line. "Oh, MY GOD," Adam finally snaps. "Would you SHUT UP?" Kudos to Peter Krause for that particular line delivery. There's nothing like getting unwanted advice when you're stressed, as only a parent can dole it out. Adam, pushed to his limit, goes for the throat. "You think I don't know why you're here?" he yells. "I know that you cheated on Mom." Zeek goes quiet, for once. "Who told you that?" he asks. Adam says it doesn't matter, and Zeek shoots back that it's none of his damn business, anyway. "How could you do that to her?" Adam asks. Zeek: "We did it to each other, Adam." Uggggh. He even goes so far as to dust off that old gem, "it takes two to tango." Adam can't stand it. "That's a load of crap, you son of a bitch," he says. Zeek gets mad, now, that his son isn't seeing it his way. "When you've been married 46 years, you come and talk to me," he says. "Until then, you just back the hell off." Somehow, his son doesn't kill him, and with that, he goes back into the house, leaving Adam in the dark.
Also experiencing some communication issues are Julia and Joel, back at their house. Poor Joel has had enough of Timm and all his Ms. "We're done with that guy," he says. "I don't trust him." Julia begs him not to let baggage from a million years ago mess up what they're trying to do for her dad. "This isn't about baggage," he says. "It's about him, bundling money, like all the crooks who got this country into the whole mess it's in." Julia defensively reminds him that Timm is not a criminal. "We can find somebody better to help your dad," Joel says. "Somebody who's not such a scumbag. For starters: me." He says can drive out and look at the property and maybe do some work on it to bring the value up. "Joel, we're not putting any more money into this," Julia says firmly. "That's throwing good money after bad. You don't have a say in this." Damn, girl. Joel is stunned that she would go there. "You gotta be kidding me," he says, almost like he's unable to believe he heard her right. This show really gets marriage right, man. "You know I've been over the numbers," Julia says, trying to back peddle the emotion. "The whole thing is huge! And there's no one who will do us this kind of massive favor that Timm is talking about doing." Her voice cracking, she repeats that the crisis is huge and that her parents' marriage is in the balance. "I don't know what else to say," she says, in closing, and Joel can only shrug and walk out.
The search continues for the missing tortoise at Adam's house. By now, Haddie and Amber are in on it, outside in the yard laughing about how Max kind of looks like a turtle, himself. Suddenly, Amber turns to Haddie. "Can I talk to you for a just a second?" she asks, already emotional. I can barely recap this scene because Mae Whitman just kills me dead in every frame. "About Steve..." she says, and Haddie smiles and interrupts. "Oh, my God, I know," she says. "I saw him talking to you in the cafeteria. Did he say something weird?" She's laughing, thinking Amber is going to say what a douche he is, but Amber is already crying. "No, it's just..." Amber says, breathing deeply. "This is hard... I... I slept with him." Haddie rolls her eyes, thinking it's a joke. "Ha ha," she drones, but quickly sees that Amber is spiraling. "I don't know what happened," Amber cries. "I don't know... it was an accident. I was drinking and he was being nice, and something is wrong with me. I'm sorry! I wish I could take it back; it was an accident and I am so sorry!" She continues to almost hyperventilate with grief and finally Haddie finds her voice. "Can you please just stop talking?" she snaps, and stomps off into the house. Poor Amber is left freaking out in the yard, repeating that she's sorry and begging her cousin not to be mad at her. That was some devastating teenage girl stuff right there. I hate it that they had to go so far to the extreme of this 16-year-old girl having sex in a golf course gazebo -- honestly, it would have been just as upsetting to Haddie if Amber and Steve had just made out or something -- but in any case, Amber's emotions felt very real.
Inside the house, things are not going much better. Max has backed himself into a corner and is building up to a huge tantrum about his missing turtle. "Max, we are going to find Miles, I promise," Adam says, trying to remain calm. Max: "You can't promise, because you don't know where he is!" Max is not being able to hold it together, and even though Adam supplies him with the clear logic that a tortoise is never really lost because it carries its house on its back, he finally breaks down and starts flailing around. Adam holds him tightly until he becomes calm again, assuring him that everything is going to be okay. In the doorway, Zeek watches this scene unfold, a look of deep sadness on his face.
Back at HQ, Sarah is in the living room when Camille finally come home. "You waited up," Camille says. Sarah smiles. "Revenge, huh, for all those nights I made you wait up?" she jokes. Camille says that there wouldn't be enough nights in a year, and tries to go upstairs to bed. "Mom!" Sarah says, stopping her. "How was it?" Camille says her night out with Matthew was really fun, that the other art show was embarrassingly bad, and that they ended up back at Matthew's place drinking and talking. "He made us a fire, and served us some port, and we talked," she says. "And we talked." She drifts into silence, and Sarah knows all. "And...?" she says, and watches as Camille puts her hand over her face in shame. No one does reaction shots like Lauren Graham, y'all. I hope, no... DEMAND that she win an Emmy for this show after being so long shut out. She is amazing. I don't even know how she does it -- her face doesn't even move, but across it you can see a million emotions as she realizes her mom had sex with this Matthew dude and what it will mean about her parents' relationship. "Oh, Mom..." she says.
At HQ, the attic is being cleared out, but good. Crosby has enlisted the help of Joel, Adam and Drew to carry his piano down the stairs. It is going about as well as one might expect such an endeavor to go. Ed. Note: pianos are heavy. The three gentlemen conscripted into service enjoy ribbing Crosby about how they are going to crash his "priceless instrument." Joel is especially hilarious, asking in the emergency-tone for everyone to hold on, then relaxing for a minute against the wall while Crosby bears the most weight. "Oh, Don Rickles is here," Crosby groans while the others laugh. "The first time you've ever made a joke and you decided to do it while I'm holding a piano." Joel admits that it felt pretty good. "I'm never gonna ask you guys to help me move anything again!" Crosby grouses. Drew: "You promise?" Hee.
Back in the attic, Sydney is looking through her mom's stuff, and runs across an old photograph. "I like this picture, Mommy," she says. "You look like a princess." It's a prom picture. "Is that Daddy?" Sydney asks, pointing to the guy in the photo. "No, sweetie, look at it," Julia says. "That's my friend, Timm." Oh, Sydney says: "Timmmmm." Awesome.
Finally, in the driveway, the piano has been loaded into the back of Crosby's truck. "Okay, to thank you for your not-so-heroic efforts," Crosby says, sitting down at the glorious 88, "I present to you 'Solace: A Mexican Serenade.'" His siblings groan. "NO!" Adam yells. "Play something else!" As he starts, Jasmine asks them what's wrong with this song. "This is the song he played for his sixth grade recital," Adam says. Sarah: "We've heard it ten thousand times." Aw. "This is going to take me back in time to a very, very unattractive hairdo." As Crosby plays on, the family can't help dancing around. "Go ahead, Joel," Crosby calls out, "give Jasmine a whirl." Even Max pulls Drew in on the action. It is all super, mega, ultra-cute. Off to the side, Amber watches everyone. Camille steps up and puts her arms around her granddaughter. Without knowing it, they share their pain. Everyone's there, except Haddie. She's back at her house, sitting in her room, alone.
Later, Camille sets up her studio and is visited by Sarah. They share a painful smile. At Adam's, Zeek finds Miles in his shoe. "He doesn't have a very good sense of smell," he tells Adam. Hilarious. Adam suggests he go give the turtle to Max, who will be thrilled, but Zeek declines. "You know something, Sonny," he says, as Adam prepares to go deliver Miles, "you're ten times the father I was." Adam smiles. "No, I'm not," he says. "Five times, maybe." They are interrupted by Max, who sees Miles and loses his mind with what passes for happiness. They listen to him run upstairs. "Do you think your mom's going to forgive me?" Zeek asks his son. "I wouldn't," Adam says. "But, then again, I haven't been married for 46 years."
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