In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Sydney, Girl Genius, is having a little problem telling the truth. She says her mom's a liar, too, because she's a lawyer, and Harmony's mom says those two things are the same. Julia goes on the defensive about her chosen profession.
Drew (yay! Drew is back!) finds himself in the awkward position of having to socialize, and at a high school dance, no less. He unfortunately consults his Uncle Adam for dance lessons and there are some tragic gyrations, up to and including The Worm.
When Sarah asks Amber to work with her on a catering shift at Cal so that Amber can see the school, she's surprised to find that she's bartending at an event where good ol' Jim the Barista is being honored for his poetry. He reads a very disturbing poem he wrote about, um, Sarah's ladyparts.
Meanwhile, Jasmine and Crosby are… how should we say… working out their differences? Things are getting a little sweet between them, and they decide to go on a date. It's cut short when Jabbar has some, well, intestinal issues, and his parents have to rally around him, literally. In the bathroom. With "poo songs." It's not sexy, okay, but it works, bringing them together like nothing else could.
Kristina has an opportunity to revisit her old life in the political arena, and goes out of town for three days, leaving Adam with the kids. She's initially overwhelmed by all the changes in how things are done, but triumphs. Things aren't going as well for Adam, at home. Because, Haddie is gettin' sexy, people. She orders a hot bra in the mail, which her parents hilariously intercept, and then defies her dad by going over to Steve's to MAKE OUT WITH HIM ON HIS BED, which ADAM SEES. They have a showdown, and Adam has to face up to his double standards about his daughter.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val and Beth thought this show was a bad idea. And check back soon for the full weecap!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Al Lowe would love it if you joined her campaign to become the Maker's Mark Ambassador-in-Chief. She really wants that job, and She's going for broke to get it. Help a sister out here and here.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!A ceramic tragedy has occurred at Julia's. A vase is broken on the floor, and no one is 'fessing up. Sydney claims the neighbor's dog, Skippy, ran into the house and knocked it down. Julia reminds her that the neighbor's don't have a dog anymore. "Skippy came back," Sydney says, shrugging. Julia takes a deep breath. "Skippy... went to the country after that thing with the car?" she says. "I don't think he's coming back." Sydney shrugs again: "Well, he did." Joel silently gets a broom and starts to sweep up the broken vase. Julia stops him in a tone one reserves for use when you catch a cat about to pee on your furniture. "Joel, stop," she commands. "Whoever broke the vase will clean it up." Sydney raises her eyebrows. "Skippy doesn't know how to clean, Mom," she says. Julia: "Skippy didn't break the vase, Bug." Sydney again insists that he did. Julia takes another deep breath and says there's no excuse for lying. "But, you're a liar," Sydney says. Julia: "No, baby, I'm a lawyer." Very officiously, Sydney announces that Harmony's mom -- a.k.a. the oversexed Raquel -- says liars and lawyers are the same thing. Julia is going to need a paper bag soon, with all these deep breaths she's taking. She clears her throat. "Just tell me the truth," she finally says, pulling herself together. "Did you break the vase?" Sydney looks her right in the eye. "No," she says. "Did you?" Damn, kid. That's ballsy.
Drew's back! Drew's back! I don't know why we haven't seen him in weeks, but I am so excited to report that Drew is back and roaming the halls of his high school, being awesome. Or, you know, slouching around being unsure of himself, but still: awesome. I love Drew. He lightly brushes his Emo Bangs to the side -- not too much! -- and uncomfortably nods at a cute girl a few lockers down from his. She asks him about a biology test, which gives him just enough confidence to make a snarky comment about the freshman dance planned for that night. "Actually," she says, "I was gonna go. I mean, why not, right?" Drew, painfully, says, "Right...," aware that he's gotten it wrong, yet again. Y'all, even if you're cool, it's hard to be cool. Especially if you don't know you're cool. Which you are.
Later, Amber follows him around the house, trying to tell him what to wear to this dance, in order to impress the girl. "You've had a crush on Lindsay for like, for ever," Amber says, "and if you don't look good, she's not gonna be into you!" Drew is arguing all these points when they are interrupted by Sarah, who drops a stack of catalogues on the bed in front of Amber. "I need to you to pick five schools," she says with no preamble. "Because we are going on your college tour." Amber is surprised, and says she thought they couldn't afford the college tour. "Well, I picked up extra shifts," Sarah says, "because I think it's important." P.S., she adds, they're both going to earn money tomorrow night when Amber comes with her to work a catering gig at Cal. "It's a poetry reading," she says, in response to which Amber snorts that she'd rather sell an organ. "Well, if you don't change that attitude, it may come to that," Sarah says, "because I don't think you need both livers, anyway." This kicks off a mother/daughter tirade, with Amber asking what makes Sarah think that serving canapés to English majors will inspire her to go to college, and Sarah bitching that this, her junior year, is the year these decisions get made. "This is the year that will be the difference between 'Paging Dr. Braverman,' and 'Do you want fries with that?'" Cute, but isn't Amber's last name Holt, not Braverman? Perhaps Sarah is remembering her own misspent junior year. Meanwhile, Drew has been waiting patiently with his laundry basket, trying to figure out what to wear to his dumb dance. They finally all agree on one t-shirt that looks like all his other t-shirts and Sarah goes out as loudly and as quickly as she came, urging him to wear it with a blazer. "You look so cute in a blazer!" she says, and gives him a smooch.
Crosby is hanging out with Jasmine and Jabbar, watching a kid's movie, laughing like he just smoked a bag of dope and not noticing that his companions have totally fallen asleep. Jasmine stirs and together they carry Jabbbar to his bed. Moments later in the dark, they watch their son sleep and, moved by the familial love, share a kiss. They smile, but realize it's awkward. "I... should go," Crosby says, smiling, and Jasmine agrees.
Adam is in bed when his wife comes in bearing tonight's favorite Braverman prop, a laundry basket. Excitedly, she tells him she's just heard from Denise, the councilwoman for whom she used to work, who is announcing her campaign for Lieutenant Governor in the coming weekend. Denise wants Kristina to come to Sacramento to help her get ready for all the speeches and stuff she'll have to give when she announces. Wow -- it's an awesome opportunity, so Kristina told her... no. Adam is upset. "Honey," he says, "you were with her from the beginning!" Kristina says yeah, but with everything going on with Max and all, she feels like she can't take the time. Adam insists that she should go. It's just a weekend, and plus, "sounds to me like the future Lieutenant Governor needs you." Kristina's morale is boosted, knowing he approves, but perhaps his approval is contingent on the little "sumpin' sumpin'" (gross) that came in the mail today. He tosses her a package. "I think I know what this is," she says. Adam, all sexily: "I think you do, too." Indeed, it is a black bra from Victoria's Secret. Kristina holds it up to herself, and the growl at each other as only two doofusy, whitebread, cute married people can. "I hope it fits," Kristina mumbles. "This left boob is bigger than the right..." More growling. Hee. She holds it up to Adam's chest, now, and asks what inspired this little bit of naughtiness. "What do you mean?" he asks, still growly. Um... "What do you mean what do I mean?" Kristina asks, now getting confused. Adam: "You ordered it..." Kristina says no, she didn't. With dread, they look at the package. "Oh..." Kristina says, handing it to him. "H. Braverman," Adam reads, and the needle comes off the record. "Haddie?!" Oh, snap. He screams the scream of every father of a teenage daughter realizing things are definitely changing up in his crib: "GET IT OFF ME!"
Morning dawns and it's time for the bra mystery to be... unhooked. Oh, whatever. Work with me. Haddie hits the kitchen to find her mom alone. "A package came for you yesterday," Kristina says, as the blood drains from Haddie's face. "From Victoria's Secret? It got opened accidentally, I'm not sure how..." Snootily, Haddie asks how a package with her name on it could get opened accidentally. Y'all, I hate Haddie, but I think the reason is: she's such a deadly accurate representation of suburban teenage girlhood. OMG, it stresses me out every time she walks on screen. IT'S TOO REAL. She fills me with equal parts guilt and dread so strong I can't even tell you. Kristina nonchalantly says she thinks Adam thought it was for her and, whatever, he threw it away, so it doesn't matter. Haddie's eyebrows fly right off her face. "Mom! I spent my money on that," she whines. "That's expensive!" Kristina strides to the kitchen desk and says, yeah, she knows, that's why she rescued the bra. Haddie snatches it from her hands with the snarkiest "thank you" of all time. Kristina is taking this so calmly, it is admirable. "Can I just ask you a question?" she asks. "Why would you buy yourself a bra like that?" Haddie gives her That Look that all teenage girls know how to give, and says she's not going to talk to her mother about this. Okay, here is where, in my life, reality would emerge in the form of a shock and awe campaign from my mother. Because... what? Kristina, my hero, merely shrugs. "Okay, that's fine," she says. "Then, you're gonna have to talk to Dad about it, because he's really curious." HA! Haddie: "You wouldn't do that." Kristina: "Yes, I would. I'll call him right now." Haddie gives up. "All right," she says. "What do you want to know?"
Kristina wants to know if she bought the bra for Steve. "Mom," Haddie says, smirking the smirk of someone who needs the smirk wiped off her face. "You know Steve doesn't have boobs. I'm not gonna buy him a bra." Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Kristina looks heavenward, likely praying for the strength required to keep from locking her teenager in the deep freeze. Kristina, in the mother-tone, repeats the question. "No!" Haddie answers, finally. "I bought it for myself. It's pretty, and it's sexy, and I don't know what you want to think about me, but I'm a woman." Aw, damn. I seriously am getting hives from this. How does one make arrangements for their infant to enter the convent?
Finally, Kristina asks what she really wants to know. Actually, it's more of a statement, not a question. "You're not having sex...?" Haddie: "What do you think 'sex' is?" While my answer would be "I THINK IT IS THE THING YOU ARE NOT HAVING," Kristina takes a more controlled approach. "I don't know," she says. "Anything beyond making out." Haddie, oh-so-worldly, rolls her eyes. "That's your definition of sex?" she drones, and I die a thousand deaths. Kristina: "For you!" Haddie's makes a quick exit, saying she's got to hurry to catch the bus, and Kristina calls out "I trust you!" as the door slams behind her daughter.
Wow, just when I was really liking Crosby, ready to give him an entire drawer-full of benefits of the doubt, he reminds me why I disliked him in the first place. At their local diner, he and Adam are discussing the kiss he shared with Jasmine. Somehow, this is tied in with last week's watching of the video of Jabbar being born. The one that made Crosby's eyes so touchingly fill with tears. The tears that made me like him. Except, now, there are no tears. Now there are jokes about childbirth. "Huge mistake for you," Adam says. "No man should have to witness that unprepared. Least of all you." He's right, there, but I still hate them both. "Do you think you'll recover?" Adam asks. Crosby: "Does it recover?" Y'all. Will I ever recover from this scene? Unlikely. But Adam says yeah, it does, in time. I mean, he's sure to add the "in time," on there. "So, Kristina..." Crosby tries to ask about his brother's wife's birth canal. Adam stops him and gets back to the kiss with Jasmine, asking if Crosby thinks they'll get together. "It's not like I can just walk away from this one," Crosby says. He says he wishes they could just hang out, without Jabbar, and get to know each other again. "Well," Adam says, "there is something that people do in situations like this. It's called 'dating.'" Crosby is intrigued.
Kristina is in her closet, trying on potential outfits for her big return to professional life while Julia and Sarah await in the peanut gallery. "Ta da!" she cries, bursting forth in a HUGE green blazer complete with shoulder pads large enough to pass an NFL inspection. "How do I look?" Her SILs chuckle ruthlessly. "From the David Byrne collection," Sarah apes. Julia laughs. "Were you on Dynasty?" she asks. Hee. Kristina throws up her hands. "My daughter has a better wardrobe than I do!" she says, which is the perfect segue into telling Sarah and Julia about Haddie's most recent wardrobe purchase. Hi, any teenage girl who might be reading this: your mom tells her friends everything. I'm sorry, but there is no privacy between women! This is the first lesson of womanhood! "How bad is it?" Sarah asks, casually. "What's the lace-to-base?" Kristina is confused, but Sarah says if the bra is really lacey, it means Haddie's "going further on the... base-y." Ha. "First base is kissing," she continues, "and... what's second base?" From the closet, Julia gives her sister the international signal for ixnay. Kristina says to shut up, that it's not lacey and anyway, Haddie's not doing any of that. "Okay," Sarah says, "Second base is reading Tennyson."
Julia, also, needs some daughter-guidance. "When did your children start lying to you?" she asks. Sarah: "It was in the hospital, I think. Amber was born and she said 'it wasn't my vodka!'" Kristina says Haddie was two, swearing she did not put a bead up her nose when, in fact, she did. Confession: I once put a button up my nose. I was at least four, I think. I remember standing in the dark by my parents' bed, loathe to wake them up, but unable to figure out what else to do. What is it with kids and noses? I am going to make my daughter wear a hockey mask every day. Wow, that just gave me the most terrifying and yet, hilarious, mental image. I mean, she's only 9 months old. Where will I find one small enough? Also, her head is extremely round, so will it have to be custom-made? Lord, I cannot stop laughing.
Anyway, Julia is relieved to hear that kids lying is a normal thing. "Especially in your family," Sarah cracks. Julia, however, doesn't get the joke. "You know, she'd learn it from you," Sarah says. Julia fixes her with a serious glare and asks why. "Because... you're a lawyer, and they... lie," Sarah says, her blood running cold. Immediately, she apologizes. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that; it was just a joke," she says. "There's no better role model out there! I serve liquor for a living because I didn't go to college, and now Amber doesn't want to go. Because I'm such a great role model." In unison, Kristina and Julia declare that Amber WILL be going to college. "I can't make her do anything!" Sarah says, sighing. "You know what the problem is for mothers?" Kristina asks. Sarah: "Daughters." Kristina: "Daughters!" Julia gives an amen to that.
But, look. Yes, daughters are... maybe hard to deal with, sure. Occasionally. But then again, some of them are like me, i.e. awesome. Right? Right. Except sometimes I think I might have acted like Haddie, a little, and I have to hate myself, in retrospect. I just don't want daughters getting a bad rap, here. I'm feeling a little defensive, is what I'm saying. And afraid. Plus, surely not all sons are as great as Jabbar. Or, to use this scenario as an example, Drew. He's arrived downstairs at the A-K homestead to ask a favor of Uncle Adam. It's just this dance thing. "I'm really nervous about it, because I don't know how to dance," he says. "That's basically why I'm here." He says he didn't want to ask anyone that would humiliate him, like his sister (an evil daughter) or his mom (daughter of evil). Ah, say no more, Adam says. "I don't want to toot my own horn," he says, tooting it. "But back in high school, they used to call me 'Fever.'" Drew looks blank. "Saturday Night Fever? John Travolta?" Adam offers. Drew: "Uh, I haven't really seen it..." No probs, Adam says, already moving the furniture. The most important thing, he says, is to relax. "You gotta just shut this off," he says, pointing to his head. Poor Drew says he's really trying, as Adam goes to the iPod to find an appropriate piece of music. Y'all. It's Tricky. You know what? It is. RIP, Jam-Master Jay. Click on that link at your own peril -- you will likely get sucked into an hour's worth of Run DMC nostalgia.
As Drew tries to explain that what he really wanted to ask about was slow-dancing, Adam launches into the most frightening collection of gyrations since the Elaine Dance. He tells Drew that it doesn't matter what the music is, you have to just "feel it in your body." Drew might even feel it so much, he says, he has to pull out the big guns and do the Worm. Now on the stairs to witness this all are Kristina -- enraptured with her husband's horrible dancing -- and Sarah and Julia, who cannot stop laughing. "He's gonna throw his back out again," Sarah says. Kristina, eyes wide, says she likes it. Adam continues his flailing, telling Drew that dancing is just about confidence, while Julia runs to join her brother on the dance floor. Kristina follows. It's a Braverman dance-off. Y'all, there are elbows being thrown; robots being done; strange moves that look like butter is being churned. In a word, it is fantastic. "Did he tell you about the Fever?" Sarah asks Drew, standing safely to the side. "Once you unleash the Fever, it doesn't stop," she says, and finally has to jump in, herself. Drew, joined by Max, can only stand and watch in horror.
Elsewhere, Jasmine opens the door of her apartment to find Crosby standing there holding a single tiny sock. "You came all this way for a sock?" she asks, surprised. He says, well, he just couldn't stop thinking about Jabbar with one cold foot. "He'd get frostbite, and then have a limp," Crosby shrugs, and I like him again. He gets to the point, saying he knows they already have a kid and that this is backwards, but that he'd like to take Jasmine on a date. They both kind of cringe with happy nervousness at the word. Wow, Joy Bryant, who plays Jasmine, is pretty much stunningly beautiful. When she smiles at Crosby and says she'd like to go to dinner with him, I have to squint from the gorgeousness.
Kristina has obviously been able to put together a suit from this decade and is now preparing to leave on her political weekend. As Adam puts her bags in the car, she tells Haddie that she needs her to help Adam with Max. Hugging her, she reminds her daughter one more time that "I trust you." Hee. Haddie's pretty much "whatever" about the whole thing, not exactly giving her mom a big vote of confidence on any of this, when that is what she needs most. Max, of course, refuses to hug his mom, saying he already said he'd behave and dodging any human contact. "Why am I doing this?" Kristina asks Adam. "This is ridiculous! Why am I going?!" Adam assures her repeatedly that they will be fine on their own for the weekend. He pushes Kristina into the car. "Geez," Haddie snarks. "You'd think she's going on a pilgrimage." Oh, SHUT UP, Haddie. As soon as they see their mom close her car door, the kids take off into the house, leaving Adam to stand and wave as she psyches herself up to drive away. Suddenly, his phone rings. It's... Kristina, telling him not to forget to defrost the meatloaf she left for them. "This is a mistake!" she says, but again, he promises they will be fine. "I want this for you," he says. "Let me do this for you. I can handle it." Sweet husband. Finally, with a big sigh and a less-than-confident 'I'm going,' she drives away. The Mother Guilt. Let me tell you, it starts immediately. I had to travel overseas after we had our daughter home for two months, and the guy who sat to me for the 8-hour flight to Berlin is probably never going to get over it. I cried so hard at one point, I was like, wiping my nose on my scarf and PRAYING ALOUD to stop crying. Thank God it was dark. Finally I just put a blanket over my head and gave up.
Julia is giving Sydney what seems like a little history lesson while Joel sits in the living room reading the paper. "And do you know who wrote the Declaration of Independence?" Julia asks her daughter. Sydney: "Ummm... you?" Julia says no, Thomas Jefferson. And, guess what? He was a lawyer. As were many of our Presidents, she adds. In conclusion, when Harmony's mom says lawyers are liars, "she's not only absolutely wrong, she's kind of insulting America, itself." Sydney: "And we're Americans?" Julia says that's right, and Americans are honest people. "So, think about that, okay?" she says. "Telling the truth is very, very, very important." She pauses, letting this sink in, and Sydney says okay. The camera pulls back to show the hallway, still full of broken vase, but taped off for safety. "So, is there anything you want to tell me?" Julia finally asks. Sydney says nope, and asks when Jabbar's coming over. Julia sighs and says he'll be over tonight.
Sarah and Amber have arrived at Cal for their catering job and Sarah is making that age-old parenting mistake: acting way too excited about something in front of a teenager. She is flipping out about the school, and how cool it looks and how cool all the people are, and how cool it must have been in the '60s. All of which make it seem decidedly uncool to Amber, who says she'll never get in there, anyway. But Sarah is on a roll, imagining college life and how you stay up all night talking and thinking and smoking. "I mean, not smoking," she hastily amends. "Don't smoke."
In Sacramento, Kristina's old boss introduces her to her new team. Denise has wonderful things say about Kristina's writing abilities, crediting Kristina for her start in politics. "She is a great asset," she tells the team. "Use her." Natch, the young politicos are all texting and staring at their laptops, completely unimpressed and unfazed by Kristina's presence. Denise says she wants to hear all about how Kristina's family's doing, but as soon as Kristina starts talking, she gets a call and has to "go shake some trees," leaving Kristina with the staff. "Dude," one girl says, turning to her colleague. "Have you nailed down the Brown endorsement, yet?" That dude: "Dude, I'm working all the angles I can." Kristina pipes up, saying she knows someone who knows Gerry Brown. "Or, I least I did," she says, pulling out what must seem like an ancient artifact to these people: a dayplanner. "Kristina?" another guy at the table asks her, as if trying to remember her name. "Yeah?" Kristina responds. "You can call me 'dude.'" Heeee. Actually, he needs her to get some stuff together on Denise's position on the environment. Ah, well, no problem, Kristina says, pulling out some old-timey stacks of what we once called "papers." ACTually, the girl-dude continues, what they were hoping for were some tweets. "Tweets," Kristina says, and the muscle in her jaw nearly snaps in two.
Things are not going that much better for Adam, at home. Max is playing a mega-loud video game, and will not turn it off when Adam asks, having not yet reached his Kristina-sanctioned maximum game time. Now, why Adam would dare start an argument over this, I don't know, but he's about to when Haddie breezes through the kitchen on her way out to Steve's. Girlie is wearing a pretty red top that hangs off one shoulder to reveal the dreaded bra strap. I'm confused about her strategy, here, since it would have been easy to conceal this bit of sexiness until she got to Steve's, but the bra is out of the bag, as they say. Adam is trying to put out both these fires, which both kids are flaming with "Mom said!" when the doorbell rings. It's Drew. Adam is surprised. "Isn't the dance tonight?" Adam asks. Drew kind of mumbles that you know, he'd really just rather stay home and watch the Giants. "And, Grandma's watching Project Runway," he says. "So, can I hang here and watch the game?" Adam nods and pulls him inside. "Drew," he says. "Listen to me. You are a Braverman." Beginning again to gyrate, Fever-style, he assures Drew that "the moves" are within him. "Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," Drew mumbles. I love Drew. Adam hatches a plan. He will drive Drew to the dance, and if it sucks, they'll come right back and watch the game. The joke, of course, is on Haddie, who will now have to stay home a little longer to watch Max. She is, I think, justifiably resistant to this plan. "You know, I'd like to," she says, trying to use her patented comeback, but Adam isn't having it. He pulls her aside, asking her to consider her cousin. "He's new at the school," Adam whispers, "and if he doesn't put himself out there, he could just be an outcast forever." Haddie: "For the rest of his life?" Adam says yes, and she agrees, reluctantly, to take one for the team. Adam thanks her by adjusting the shoulder of her top to cover the offending strap. "All right, Drew, come on, man," Adam calls, pantomiming a rod and reel. "I'm gonna show you how to use 'The Fisherman' to reel that girl in!" Drew asks him please not to, and they head out.
Jabbar has arrived at Aunt Julia's for his sleepover with Sydney! So cute. They are adorable talking about toys and running around as Crosby and Jasmine chat with Julia and Joel. All is well until Crosby notices the taped off hallway. "That is the vase Sydney won't admit she broke," Julia explains, as if this is totally normal. "You realize that's insane and dangerous?" Crosby asks. Joel: "Quite aware of that!"
At the Cal event, Amber is circulating with a tray while Sarah serves drinks. Two of her customers stand at her bar, droning on about a Dave Eggers article one of them read on McSweeney's. "I don't read McSweeney's anymore, ever since they passed on my last essay," the woman of the pair says to her companion, a dude wearing a scarf in a painfully hipster fashion. "Mm, keep up the good work," the guy says. Because she is standing about three inches from them, and thus is practically part of the conversation, Sarah pipes up. "I read it, actually," she says. "I thought it was beautiful. So funny, and sad." The snobs are amazed. "You read McSweeney's?" the dude asks, his oh-so-carefully crafted stubble bristling in surprise. "That's... impressive," the woman adds, as if McSweeney's features a pop-up I.Q. test before you can read anything on it's agonizingly Internet-retro designed pages. Sarah says, well, you know, she has someone help her with the big words. Not as chagrined as they should be, the couple takes their drinks and rolls. Amber has witnessed all. "You want me to go to school with those douches?" she asks, setting her tray on the bar. Amber is awesome. Sarah says not everybody in college acts like those people, but then again, knowing people like them would be a good way for Amber to expand her repertoire of obnoxious behavior.
Amber is not amused, but they are interrupted anyway by none other than Jim Kaczynski, Sarah's high school flame/adult one-night stand/dumpee. Here's the thing -- am I drunk, or didn't Sarah patch things up with Jim after shattering his heart in the coffee shop? I was kind of hoping, even, that they would go out again. His earlier appearance in Sarah's life made us all feel like she was kind of shafting him -- he worked as a barista, yeah, but he was a writer and fixed up old trucks and was super-nice to Sarah. So, we liked him. Thus, it's nice to see him again, right? Not... really. He walks over, shocked to see Sarah there. "This is like a sign, like in 'The Alchemist,' you know?" he says, as she stands amazed. "Did you read that book that I gave you?" Sarah mumbles that she hasn't, yet, but can't wait. She introduces Amber, who is staring at this exchange in confusion. "I met your brother, briefly. No pun intended!" he says. Amber asks what that means, before figuring out this must be the guy Drew met in the kitchen of his grandparents' house, in his underwear. Sarah tries to deflect, and tells Jim he looks great. "So," she asks, "what are you doing here?" Now he really looks surprised. "You don't know?" he asks, and at that exact moment, the organizer of event announces, from the room: "Our guest of honor." It's Jim. Fantastic. He gives Sarah an awesome nod of the head like he's about to go take care of business, and takes the podium amidst loud cheers.
Sarah and Amber stand at the back of the room as Jim, in his Byronical turtleneck/blazer combo, reads his poetry to the hushed crowd. They applaud with reverence. He tells them, to their great pleasure, that he has a new poem from an upcoming collection called "The One that Got Away, Twice." Hmm... Sarah and Amber start to look a little worried. "Although, after tonight," Jim continues, "I might re-title it 'Third Time's a Charm.'" Okay, definitely worried. Aw, dude. I'm already cringing when he says the new poem is called "Orchid, Blooming." Y'all. A sampling: "Moist, wet, petals slowly open/ welcoming the thunder." I cannot stop laughing. Sarah's face is a mask of pain, and Amber looks like someone just killed someone in front of her. Lots and lots of stuff about petals opening and shuddering and a cloud spraying its love. "That's about flowers, right?" Sarah whispers to Amber, in horror. Equally disturbed, she says no, "I think it's about your vadge."
Kristina and the Tweeters are meeting in the hotel lobby with an assemblyman they are asking to endorse Denise for the campaign. Kristina takes a big sip of beer and everyone chuckles, though I am not sure why, and they get down to business. Assemblyman Fortunato says that Denise is running against some very powerful people who have long memories. The Tweets look defeated. Seeing this, Kristina steps in. She asks Ass-man (y'all don't mind if I abbreviate, right?) why he ran for office in the first place, back in the day. The Twitkids cringe like their mom is totes embarrassing them at the mall, OMG. Fortunato does the patented politician leg-cross and nobly says that he ran because he wanted to make a difference. "Mm hmm," Kristina says, dismissing the party line. "You ran because that refinery was dumping hundreds of gallons of waste into the aquifer." She turns to the Tweets and, with admiration, says that she was working for the water board at the time Fortunato got the plant shut down, alone. Fortunato is flattered, and smiles at Kristina saying that was a long time ago. "Dude," she says, smiling back. "I know." Anyway, she goes on, the point is, Denise has a strong environmental plan to improve water conditions and needs the help of someone like him to make it happen. She's swaying him, no question. Even the Tweeters are impressed, and are probably texting someone about it right now.
Crosby and Jasmine are on their date at a very tasty-looking Italian restaurant, leading Jasmine to remember the few weeks she spent traveling in Italy with Jabbar. "You should have heard him sing o sole mio with the gondoliers," she says. "It was so cute!" Lord, I'll bet it was. Crosby mopingly says yes, he wishes he had seen that. Setting aside his passive-aggressive jab, I have to say: kudos to anyone who travels with a small child internationally or, hell, even to the state. Changing time zones and messing up nap schedules, whaaaaat? Hell, no. Things are cut short when Julia calls, saying Jabbar seems to be having some kind of emergency and needs to go home. He hops around in the background, whining that he really needs to gooooo. Crosby smiles, knowingly. "Jabbar wants to go home," he tells Jasmine, laughing. "I think he's scared." They both laugh, and ask for the check.
Back at Adam's, Haddie is surprised to see her dad and Drew come back so soon. Apparently, the dance sucked after all, and the cute girl Drew was so nervous about seeing shot him down. "She said she didn't want to like, leave her friend or something, when I asked her to dance," he says. Haddie gives him great advice, actually, saying that maybe her friend was jealous and liked Drew, herself. This sort of knowledge would be invaluable to teenage boys, if they ever got hold of it. Thank God they're all busy playing Xbox when this show airs. Her duties done for the night, Haddie says she's going to go out, as per her earlier plans. Her quick check in the mirror to make sure her bra is still showing is unfortunately observed by her dad. "You can't go," he says, quickly. They face off in silence. She reminds him that Max is in bed, and he's home, so... she's going. Nervously, Adam says that well, Max might wake up and he might have to, you know, leave the house in an emergency for some reason, so Haddie had better stay home. "Dad," Haddie says, grimly. "Are you seriously going to keep me here because I'm wearing this stupid bra?" Drew glances over to check out the bra in question, all the while trying to disappear. Adam protests too much, saying no, no he isn't, but um, "Yes. I am." Haddie sighs. "Okay," she says, flatly. "If you don't want me to leave wearing this, then I don't have to wear it!" With that, she Flashdances that thing off from under her top, and stomps out, saying they made a deal and that she'll see him at 11:30. Drew prays for death as Adam feebly calls after her, yelling that "if you leave this house...!" Too late -- she's gone. He sighs and turns to his nephew: "Want a soda?"
Jabbar's emergency has been revealed. "I just really need to go home, now," he whines. Crosby, all-knowing, asks if he needs to go home to do something. "Yeah," Jabbar whispers. "I need to go poop really bad." Aw.
Adam has taken fatherly initiative, loaded the once-sleeping Max into the car with Drew, and has arrived at Steve's house. Yelling at Max to stay in the car with his cousin, he knocks on the door to be greeted by Steve's parents. "Is Haddie here?" he asks, trying to remain calm and friendly. The parents, all chipper, say yes, she's up in Steve's room. Adam takes the stairs at a run. DUDE. My dad would have burned the house down. Do the parents of teenage boys really let girls hang out with them in their rooms?! That makes me hyperventilate. My fears, as well as Adam's, are confirmed when he bursts in the door to find his daughter all making out on with Steve on his BED. "Hey, Adam, what's up?" Steve tries. Adam: "Mr. Braverman." Haddie, outraged, asks what he's doing there. "You," Adam says, full-on dad-voice," are coming with me." Haddie jumps to her feet and crosses her arms. "No, I'm not," she says, thinking she's taking a stand. Adam says yes, she is, but she remains firm... until he lunges for her, Braverman-style. Her change of heart is immediate. Heee! Love it. They argue all the way out to the car where Drew and Max look on in shock.
Back at Julia's, Jabbar and his parents are having a family meeting in the bathroom. Jabbar takes the throne. "I don't think I can do this," he says. Jasmine assures him that he can. "Yeah, buddy," Crosby says. "Aunt Julia's is a great place to go!" He says Jabbar just needs to concentrate on something else, and suggests they sing a song. Jabbar is thrilled with this idea, especially when Jasmine sings one of his faves: "The Wheels on the Bus." Not much progress is made until Crosby throws in a new verse about people busting out of the bus doors like crazy, English soccer fans. It works! Jabbar goes, and high-fives are exchanged. "English soccer fans," Crosby says. "Always works."
Sarah and Amber are driving home in silence when Sarah finally breaks. She can't believe Jim Kaczinsky, of all people is a published author. "He used to copy off me in 10th grade," she says, proudly. Amber smirks. "That's great," she says. "Writing a bunch of poems about a big loser gettin' laid by a hot..." Sarah says no, that's wrong -- Jim's not a loser. "He's such a special guy," she says. "He might not be my soulmate, but he's talented." Amber nods. "I guess I was just grossed out," she says, "that I had to hear like, 15 billion poems about my mother's vajoozle." Haaa! Sarah says that's not the point. The point is, that Jim was a guy who read Dylan Thomas in high school, wanted to be a poet, and followed his dreams. "Look at what he's achieved, you know?" she says, with urgency. "That's what I want for you! You just can't give up on yourself. [Jim's] living proof! You just can't give up on yourself."
Back at Julia's, having achieved success, Jabbar has decided to stay in order to achieve world domination at Chutes & Ladders. "C'mon, Aunt Julia!" he says, pulling her inside, and all the adults laugh. Outside, Crosby and Jasmine congratulate themselves on a job well done, especially Crosby's additional verse. Well, he says, Jasmine's verse inspired him, so he can't take all the credit. They stand at the car door, staring at each other. "Are you trying to use my poo song as a way to make your move?" she finally asks as he grins at her. Crosby: "Yeah! What do you think?" Jasmine says she doesn't know, since he hasn't really made a move yet. So, he makes one. They kiss in the street.
Back at Adam's, Haddie is in her sweats, slamming around the kitchen when her dad comes in. "What the hell were you thinking?" he finally asks. She asks what HE was thinking. He's mad that she just took off, even though he told her to stay home. "You were being totally unreasonable," she says. Adam reminds her that she's 15 years old and lives in his house and thus has to do whatever he says, no matter what. Haddie uses the age-old, time-tested, always-stupid comeback of "If you told me to murder somebody, then I have to do it?" It escalates, of course, into a screaming match, which Haddie brings to a halt, having more clarity in this situation than her own father. "Dad," she says. "Mom told me that I could go to Steve's house. Then you told me that I had to stay home and watch Max for a little while, and I did." Adam agrees with these facts, as presented. "But then," Haddie adds, "you came home and told me that I couldn't go to Steve's house, because of what kind of bra I was wearing." Adam sighs. "I admit that that was inconsistent," he says. Haddie goes, justifiably, off. "You would totally let Drew hang out with his girlfriend," she cries. "You would DRIVE him to hang out with his girlfriend. But because I'm a girl, you treat me like I'm... 12 years old!" Adam has nothing to say except yes, that's true, and that she's not wrong. "It's because you're my daughter," he says, adding that he knows it's a double standard and not fair. "But then again," he says, "neither is the world." Haddie says that's ridiculous. Adam: "That's the way it is." Haddie stares at him in frustration for a moment, and goes to her room.
The boat's been a rockin' over at Crosby's. Morning dawns and he and Jasmine stare into each other's eyes, having spent the night together. Suddenly, Jabbar realizes that it's after 10, and that he told Julia he would pick Jabbar up at 10:30. "She'll use this as a teachable moment," he says, rushing to get dressed. They decide not to go together, since Jabbar would wonder why they were still together the morning. Crosby says that's a good plan, and that he will see her, later. They smooch once more. I know it's too easy, but I like them together. "That was really fun last night," Crosby says.
Speaking of Julia, she has finally triumphed. "Fine," Sydney says, slapping a piece of broken vase on the breakfast table. "I did it. I broke the vase. You happy now?" Julia, shocked, starts to answer. "You won, okay?" Sydney goes on. "You won." Julia says it's not about winning or losing, it's about telling the truth. "You win! I lose," Sydney says, sighing. "I'll go pick it up." She is kind of amazingly cute. "Who was that person?" Julia asks in amazement as Joel looks on. He smirks: "I don't recognize her at all."
Sarah is enjoying some coffee at HQ when Amber comes in and tosses a school catalogue on the counter. "No, no," Sarah says, "I'm not falling for this. You drop the Berkeley College catalogue in front of me, and you think I'm gonna get all excited, and then you break my heart and tell me you've decided not to apply. So, I say... 'whatever!'" Amber says that, first of all, it's not really reverse psychology if her mom tells her what she's doing while she's doing it, and secondly, the catalogue's for Sarah. "I think you should apply to Berkeley," she says. Sarah asks what she's talking about. "Well, why not?" Amber asks. She says if Jim K. can get people all hot and bothered over his poetry, then anything is possible. "Just don't give up on yourself, either, okay?" she says, and as she leaves, Sarah's eyes light up.
Adam is in bed reading an Asperger's book when Kristina comes in with big news. Denise has asked her to take a full-time job as her communications director. Adam is happy for her. "So, you wanna do it?" he asks. She says kind of. "I love you and I love being a mom," she says, but while she was there she felt like she was so alive, and being seen for the first time in so long. Adam is really happy that she's happy, and says that he gets it. "But I want you to know I see you," he says. She smiles, and says she knows. He's totally on board and wants her to take the job. Immediately, he sits up and starts making lists. He can get his mom to stay over a few nights a week; they'll figure out how to get Max and Haddie to their respective events during the week; he can work more from home, etc. As he rattles it all off, Kristina's face slowly falls. "No," she says, her eyes filling with tears. "This isn't the right time." She says it's wrong -- Max and Haddie need her and she can work other campaigns. "Our kids are only gonna be kids for so long," she says. "I can do it, later." Adam asks if she's sure, and though she obviously is sad, she says she is. With real joy, she tells him how awesome she was in her element over the weekend. He looks at her lovingly, obviously proud.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val and Beth thought this show was a bad idea. And check back soon for the full weecap!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Al Lowe is a writer and musician living in Atlanta. She can be contacted at deepsubject@gmail.com. She would love it if you joined her campaign to become the Maker's Mark Ambassador-in-Chief. She really wants that job, and She's going for broke to get it. Help a sister out here and here.