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After meeting a sexy chick in a seriously bootylicious parent-child yoga class, Crosby is surprised when Jabbar's resulting playdate into a booty call. To his credit, he shuts down the hottie, but Jasmine finds out and busts him.
Oops, Sarah is falling for Mr. Cyr. She can't help it -- he likes her so much it makes her like herself. Plus, making out is fun, and he seems to be good at it. He even sends her flowers at work! He makes romantic Faulkner references! This is all good for Sarah, but way bad for Amber, who has an even larger crush on Mr. Cyr that is not helped by the Sarah-related extra attention he pays her. Adam discerns Amber's mega-crush and warns Sarah, but she doesn't believe it. So, she tells Amber what's going on, and her daughter is crushed. It drives her back into the arms of the loathsome Damian.
Haddie is shadowing her Aunt Julia at her law office for a school report. Talking to Haddie reminds Julia of the civil rights reasons she got into law in the first place. Of course, as if Kristina didn't feel like the worst mom ever last week with Max, now she feels bad because Haddie is impressed by Julia and not her.
Though Max is doing really well on his new system with Gaby, Adam is having a hard time with it. This is not helped when he sees Gaby out on the town, tying one on. He's worn out by all of his family commitments and takes it out on Kristina. He makes it better by teaching Haddie about the work her mom used to do in the community.
Want more? The full recap starts right below! Crosby has achieved nirvana. Yes, a woman is intentionally shoving her behind in his face. What? It's yoga, people. And not just any yoga -- yoga with Jabbar! At some kind of parent/child yoga class, which looks to be filled with moms and their kids, Crosby only half pays attention to his son while an unknown woman of mysterious provenance does her best downward facing tramp in front of him. Crosby, who has styled his hair in a tragic top-knot that makes him look like... a dude who would take a yoga class to meet women, flirts without reservation. When the butt woman's son chats it up with Jabbar, Crosby is only too happy to accept her invitation to a playdate. After all, as she tells Jabbar (whose name she pronounces with about 45 rolled rrrrrs at the end), fate has brought them all together. Probs what brought you together was Jabbar's mom picking up a yoga flyer somewhere and commanding Crosby to take Jabbar to the class, since the kid looks like the only person besides the instructor who knows what he's doing.Adam is repairing a bicycle in his garage while Kristina rummages through their Goodwill stash. Finding some black pumps, she calls to Haddie, who is in the house, and who answers with the standard teenaged girl "WhAAaat?" Oh, how I simultaneously remember, regret and dread that sound. Kristina has dug out these perfectly acceptable black heels for Haddie to wear for career day during which she will be shadowing Aunt Julia at her office. "Mom, NO!" Haddie says, as if the shoes are hideous in some way. "Aunt Julia works in a REAL office." Kristina is offended. "I wore these real places!" she insists, but Adam interrupts, asking why Haddie isn't shadowing him. "What's wrong with my career?" he asks. Haddie rolls her eyes, hard. "I can really answer that, if you want," she says, dripping with sarcasm. OMG, children. I hate them. I remember being one, and I hate myself, retrospectively. And I was a NICE child. But I think I remember saying something like this to my beloved father, and... just what did I think I knew about anything?! It pains me to remember that. Now, granted, he was an insurance adjuster -- a completely thankless job that he never would have wanted for me, but still. I mean, I went on to work a series of thankless jobs, anyway, and I am sure I will continue to do so. Lucky for me, he was a kind and forgiving soul, much like Adam Braverman, who doesn't even blink at this bitchy comment from his clueless daughter, mostly because he instead chooses to celebrate the successful repair of his bike, instead. "No, no!" Haddie says, smelling what's up: a family bike ride. "This is one of those Braverman Family Fun things," she says, "and I'm not doing it." Adam says yes it is, and yes, she is. "You guys mount up," he says, "and I'm gonna go get the boy!" Haddie snarkily points out that she is going to a movie with Steve in an hour and that "the boy" still has 40 minutes left in his session with Gaby. "No, he doesn't," Adam says, as if this is the first he has heard of this. Haddie and Kristina both explain, with gestures, that yes, he does, as stated on the huge schedule located in the kitchen. No problem, Adam says, obviously having adopted some new philosophy of optimism, he's going to get Max and if all they can do is go around the block together as a family, so be it. Of course, he gets shot down again, this time by Gaby. Though he sort of tries to chide her into changing the plan, she doesn't think they should stop their session, now, as the sticker system she implemented last week is really working out well. As proof, Max sticks his head out of his bedroom -- plainly ignoring his father -- and announces that he's done with his math. "Can I have my Spiderman sticker, now?" he asks. Gaby reminds him that the deal was that he completed math and reading before the sticker was bestowed. "Okay," he says. "Can we start reading, then?" Adam sees that he's got no choice and says they should get to it.
Sarah is taking a walk with cutie patootie Mr. Cyr, talking about her life. "What 38-year-old woman does not enjoy living at home with her parents?" she says. Suddenly, she grabs his arm, realizing what she's just said. "I just told you how old I am..." Haa! Mr. C laughs. "That's okay," he says. "You have a daughter who's a junior. I kind of assumed you didn't have her when you were 10." He's not worried about it, he says. What he's really worried about is that, "you've had your arms crossed for almost this entire walk, and I really want to hold your hand, but I don't know how to do that when they're like that." Hee. She takes his hand, saving him from himself. "That's what I'm talking about," he says. "You're so good." Sarah smiles. "I've got 12 years on ya," she says and he moves in for a kiss, which doesn't come off very well. She stops it before it can happen. "Sorry," he says. "I misread that whole hand-holding thing." Sarah says no, he didn't, and sits him down on a bench. It's just that she has been thinking so much of Amber, she says. She tried to tell her daughter about this whole thing with Mr. Cyr earlier, but then Amber called her "pulchritudinous" and she got distracted. "That means 'beautiful,'" Mr. Cyr says. He says it's one of her SAT words and he's proud Amber used it appropriately. Also, he has a great idea to solve this problem about when and how to tell Amber about their relationship. "I think we should take like, a test run," he says, "where we make out and see how that goes." After all, he says, it would be a total waste to tell Amber anything if they actually are grossed out by each other. Hee. Sarah laughs, and they do, indeed, make out on this bench, which makes me cheer loudly. "Nothing," Sarah says, clearly affected. "No chemistry, no spark," Mr. Cyr faux-agrees. They decide to try one more time. You know, just to be sure.
Haddie skips out her front door, dressed like a secretary (and wearing shoes way less cute than the ones Kristina suggested) to ride to work with Aunt Julia. She doesn't make it to the car before Kristina rushes out after her, shod in only one Ugg, to give her her lunch. Oh, but Haddie doesn't need her brown bag, because Important Aunt Julia will be taking her to lunch, lawyer-style. Haddie is way over the moon excited about all of this, by the way, as if she has never set foot in an office before. Poor Kristina babbles and thanks Julia for doing all of this. Julia brushes all of this off, of course, because they must hurry to get to the office. Kristina is left flashing a feeble, motherly thumbs up.
Mr. Cyr is having a teaching moment, going through SAT flashcards with Amber. One-on-one vocabulary quizzing? Really? Dude, are you not thinking clearly? Amber is struggling with a few words, but swears she has been studying, even using her fancy words in everyday speech. "You can call my mom to corroborate, if you please," she says. Mr. Cyr at least looks a little pale at this suggestion, but glosses over it, saying he won't need to do that, but does need to know if she has her iPod with her. Amber cuts her eyes sideways. "No. They're not allowed on school grounds," she says. "So, why would I?" Mr. Cyr smirks. "I know you're packing," he says. "I saw you." She thinks he's taking it away, and vociferously (SAT word) complains. I wish that was what was happening, but unfortch he's not taking it away, he needs it to load the playlist he made her. Oh, poor Amber. Her face goes through a million levels of true love as she leans TOO CLOSELY over his shoulder to watch him load what she probably assumes is the playlist that secretly indicates his love for her. All it does is make me mad at Mr. Cyr.
Speaking of inappropriate, Crosby has arrived with Jabbar at the swank home of the foreign yoga lady and her son, Milo. He is very impressed and says so. "It's the one perk of catching your husband with an h-o-o-k-e-r," she spells. What is this chick's name? Who knows? Did they say it already? I truly can't be bothered. She is wearing a shirt that shows the entirety of her cleavage and, honestly, some wardrobe person should be ashamed. Crosby has obvio
usly seen the milkshake, and it has indeed brought him here, to the (back)yard. "We have a pool!" Milo says to Jabbar. Jabbar excitedly says yeah, he knows, and Crosby has an ocean! Ha! "Jabbar, it's not polite to brag," Crosby laughs. "It's more of a marina than it is an ocean." The MILF suggests that Milo show Jabbar the tennis court. Crosby oohs and aahs, and says he doesn't know how competitive Jabbar will be, as they don't really have him on the country club circuit, yet. Har har. MILFy says her ex seems to think Milo will soon be a tennis champion, even though he can't hold a racquet. "What about you and Jabbar's mom?" she asks, making a segue that could be seen from space. "Are you guys... cool?" Crosby uncomfortably says that, yeah, they are. "It's a funny story, actually," he starts, but is interrupted by Jabbar who tags him "it." He takes off across the lawn after the kids.
Enjoying some al fresco dining across town, Haddie quizzes Julia on how she realized she wanted to be a lawyer. "I was in a civil rights class when I was at Stanford," she says. "Go, Cardinal, by the way. Put that in your report -- it'll drive your Cal dad nuts." Haddie says OMG, she will, and with extra eye-rolling. "I'm secretly a Stanford girl," she adds, and somewhere her dad must have felt a pang in his heart, for sure. Young lady, we do not hate on the alma maters of our parents. That is so wrong. Anyway, Julia says she was sitting in this civil rights class and got all inspired by the way that citizens are protected equally under the law. "Aunt Julia," Haddie says, so impressed. "I had no idea that you did that kind of law." Julia clears her throat of the twenty dollar salad she's eating. "No, I don't, actually," she corrects. She explains that the law she really does is mergers and acquisitions. Haddie takes copious notes. "It's the buying, selling and combining of companies," Julia explains. "At the end of the day, we can provide the acquired company with a buyout package." Haddie asks if that ends up being a lot of money. "Not if I did my job right," Julia smirks, and then catches herself as she sees a fleeting moment of "less impressed" pass across Haddie's face. "Wait, don't put that in there," she hurriedly insists. "It's more complicated than I just explained." Haddie nods: "[More complicated] than screwing some poor slob out of his retirement?" she asks. Julia is shocked. "What?!" she asks. Haddie: "Pretty Woman! I was quoting Julia Roberts!" She tells Julia not to worry -- she knows that's not what her job is really like. Julia goes slightly pale behind her mask of professional perfection because... um, yes, it is.
Back at the House of Endless Boobs, Crosby takes a cell call from Adam, who is at work. He needs to cancel their weekly basketball game, he says, and get a restaurant recommendation for a hip place to take two shoe retailers in town. Someone has to show them a good time, Adam groans, and he drew the short straw. Crosby says that, first of all, since this is like, the eighth time Adam has cancelled, they can stop referring to it as a "weekly" game. Secondly, he recommends a place called Casa Via to take the out-of-towners. "You'll love it," Crosby says. "Well, they'll love it, and you'll tolerate it." Cut to the restaurant in question and Adam is barely even tolerating it. I don't blame him, really, seeing as it is a red-lit, loud and crowded bar. The hostess gives him the obliging wink, knowing he is Crosby's brother. As she shows the salesmen types to a table, Adam gets a call from Kristina. "Hey, honey," she purrs, cruising around the house wearing a shortie nightgown and carrying a glass of wine. "Can you get out of your dinner?" She says there's a three-hour bug movie playing in town and Haddie took Max. "So," she says, nudgingly. "You know what that means..." Ooh, la la! Adam says he'll be there as soon as he's able and tells her to cue up the Van Morrison. "Oh, and hey, Adam," Kristina adds. "Kitten's on the grill..." HAA! I have searched in vain as to where that might have come from and found nothing. I sincerely hoped it was a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof reference, somehow. Except I can't figure out how it could be, and I suppose I must accept that it is merely an hilarious euphemism for uh, overheated ladyparts. Whatever the source, it fires Adam up, indeed. He huskily tells her he'll be home soon, and goes to sit with his salesmen. Later, as these losers order yet another round, he gets another call from his grilled kitten. It's bad news: Max had a meltdown at the movies and the kids are home. So, this time Kristina -- cold cream now applied -- is calling to tell him to pick up some corn flakes. Apparently she bought the kind with strawberries by mistake and Max refuses to eat them, saying the berries look like toes. I am with Max on that one, man. I mean, I don't know if they look like toes, but freeze-dried fruit is for astronauts. Also, just the word-association I have now with "toes" is going to put me off cereal, possibly for life. Adam is completing this call when the waitress arrives with his virgin daiquiri. Disgruntled, he takes it, but not before he looks across the bar and spies none other than Gaby, going full-on Coyote Ugly on the bar with a group of her friends. He makes a face like he's disgusted and returns to his sales goons.
The morning, Adam staggers into the kitchen to give Kristina a full report. "Honey, how many margaritas did you have?" she asks, seeing him stumble around in his underwear and bedhead. "Just two," he groans. We must now pause for me to tell the legendary story of My Husband, Chris, and the White Lightening. The man is, frankly, a champion booze-holder. I mean, why marry him, otherwise? We had some times, pre-child, that would go down in history if we could only clearly remember them. But this one night, my friend James and I challenged Chris and James's wife to a game of Rook. Let me cut to the chase: we were all drunk; James and I were the only ones who knew how to play Rook; James's daddy is a butcher in rural North Carolina and occasionally takes payment from his longtime clients in the form of livestock and/or home-brewed corn liquor. James had a mason jar (what else?) full of the latter, and AGAINST ALL SPOUSAL ADVICE, my husband -- who is from New Jersey, first of all, and secondly had already had enough other forms of alcohol to drink by this point that he drunk-dialed MY MOM during the Rook game to get tips on how to win -- thought he might try a sip. It only takes a sip, people, please remember that. That sip lead us to Waffle House at some unchristian hour the day for the hangover cure. But, get this, brother was TOO hung over to save himself. The man was eating hashbrowns one hash at a time. I have honestly never seen anything like it before or since and I tell the story now to serve as a warning to you all.
ANYWAY. Adam is fumbling around in the fridge while Kristina rushes Max through his breakfast, reminding him that Gaby will be there any minute. When Max runs out to go to his room, Adam sarcastically drops the news that Gaby will probably be calling in sick today. "I saw her at the bar last night," he says. "And if two margaritas did this to me, I can only imagine what 10 shots of tequila did to her." Kristina is amazed. "Sticker-system Gaby was shooting tequila last night?" she asks. Adam says yeah, it was like a Girls Gone Wild video. He says he can't believe Gaby can spend all day with kids like Max and then just go out and leave it all behind. This opens the door for the obvious joke to be made about "that's why she drinks tequila" or something, but instead Kristina asks if Adam thinks Gaby leaves there and goes home and worries about Max all night, or something. "That's what I do," Adam shoots back, and... again, that could not have been written by a writer. I mean, right? Because WHY would Adam think this person they're paying would have the same level of anxiety as he does about his son?
The doorbell rings and Adam rushes to get a
look at Gaby, who he is sure is going to be tore up. He has to hide his pantslessness behind the open fridge door. Gaby, blessed with youth, is of course fine. She does not even karate chop Max with hangover violence when he answers the door by announcing that he's done his homework and will take his stickers now. "Do I get a 'good morning,' first?" Gaby asks. Max: "Good morning. Do I get an extra sticker for that?" Gaby smiles and waves at Adam and Kristina who are leering from the kitchen doorway. "She looks like a mess," Kristina snarks when Gaby goes upstairs with Max. "She looks wrecked, honey." Adam har hars and they are joined by Haddie, who is nonplussed to find her dad in his underwear. She gets over it, fast, when she starts talking about her amazing time with Julia at the office. "It's so nice to have this, like, female professional that I can look up to, you know?" she says. Kristina is obviously crushed, but says nothing. "That's great, honey," she cringes. Haddie blabs on, especially loving that there's a guy in her aunt's office whose entire job, as far as she can tell, is to get Julia a latte whenever she wants one. "That would be so cool," Kristina sighs, uncomfortably. "Yeah, you should have seen the way everybody just respected her," Haddie says. "Like, her secretary is a dude, first of all. It's like she's her own, powerful woman." God. She twists the knife one more time, talking about the expensive lunch they had, which was "the best meal of my life." Adam spends this entire time cutting looks over at his wife, feeling her pain.
Meanwhile, Julia is at her own house, struggling with her perfection. She tells Joel that talking to Haddie really reminded her of why she got into law in the first place: to protect people's rights. Now, she says, she is using her degree to crush little companies. Joel is kind of amused by this. "You love crushing little companies," he says. Julia: "I know, but what kind of person loves that?"
Speaking of love, Sarah is about to be in it. She arrives at the bar to start her shift and finds that Mr. Cyr has sent her some beautiful flowers -- the first time anyone has ever sent her flowers at work. She gets twice as lovey when she shows the attached card to her co-worker. "Pulchritudinous?" he reads. She sighs: "It means beautiful."
Later that night, Sarah talks about Mr. Cyr to Julia and Kristina. There is wine involved, which I assume is their excuse for what occurs in this conversation. They rib her good-naturedly about the age difference and the fact that the guy is Amber's teacher, but Julia quickly gets to the important part. "Is he hot?" she asks. Sarah sighs and says that's not important, but um, yes, he is. "He's scruffy," she says, and adds that he has a little bit of a Mark Ruffalo thing going on. Um, no, he doesn't. I seriously wish he did, but no. Nevertheless, Kristina has some sage advice. "I say ya hit that," she says. Julia: "Uh, did you? Oh." Heee. Julia goes on that now that they've established Sarah is going to hit that, they need to discuss her situation uh, south of the border. Thus follows some nightmarish but funny talk of "Chia pets" and "landing strips." As Adam comes in complaining that every family get-together turns into a to-do list for him (he just "had" to change Crosby's oil, for example), Julia is just suggesting that maybe Mr. Cyr "might be expecting something a little more... less." The ladies dissolve into giggles and Adam is forced to ask what's going on. "Sarah's having the sex with Amber's English teacher," Julia says. Sarah says no, no, not yet. "I have a date. I have a date with a nice guy," she says. "I haven't touched his pickle yet..." I am gasping already when Kristina asks: "Is it furry?" Y'all. What...? Monica Potter makes me laugh. Adam, of course, looks mortified and on that pickle note, says he's going to go wash his hands. This talk of Amber's teacher reminds Sarah that she's scheduled to pick up Amber and Haddie at some thing the night, but that if she's going to be seeing Mr. Pickle, she can't do it. Kristina says she can't, since she has to stay with Max and Gaby, but "Adam can do it." Adam, halfway up the stairs, starts whining. "Oh, Adam can do it!" he snaps, but then says yes, he can do it. While he's dragging himself upstairs to wash off the stink of all his obligations, Kristina turns to Julia, the pubic expert. "Okay, seriously?" she says. "I want to know what you've got going on down there." Yes, seriously, me too. What? Well!
Jabbar is asleep on Crosby's shoulder when Jasmine arrives to pick him up. Very sweet. Crosby says they had a great day, and if she wouldn't mind, would like to schedule another great day, tomorrow. Jasmine is all but moved to tears, not being aware that Crosby is trying to use his son to get in with Trampy von Hobag across town. As if to underline Crosby's not-yet-reached maturity, they now engage in an awkward handoff of the sleeping Jabbar and his backpack that, even with all of Jasmine's dance training, cannot be managed without awkwardness and injury -- because I guess Crosby's tired from all the skank wrangling he did today and can't walk either his son or the backpack to Jasmine's car? Nice. They do have a little moment of intimacy pass between them where I think and hope they might kiss -- because I believe Jasmine could jerk a knot in Crosby's ass that might really make him straighten up -- but, it passes.
Haddie comes down to the kitchen in the morning to find Kristina poring over some files. She doesn't really notice or care and goes to the fridge for some juice. Poor Kristina keeps glancing at her, clearing her throat and giving little laughs and sotto voce "wow"s until FINALLY Haddie is forced to ask her: "What?" Kristina, all casually, says oh, you know, all Haddie's talk about Julia's job made her nostalgic for the old days, when she worked, so... Haddie still doesn't get it. "Yeah, weren't you like, a councilman's assistant?" she asks, totes blasé. Kristina says no, she was a legislative deputy and worked on a campaign to reduce the number of roadside billboards. "Oh, so you like, stopped there from being too many billboards," Haddie says, so condescending, trying and failing to feign any real interest. Kristina says yeah, she did, because of the views! Haddie remains unimpressed. Witnessing this, Adam feels sorry for his wife, especially when after Haddie leaves her kind of dejected, Max walks in and demands eggs.
Crosby is back at Milo's mom's house, with Jabbar, enjoying a dip in the pool. That's not a euphemism, but it might as well be one. "What's with Hasselhoff?" Crosby asks, indicating the hunky lifeguard this chick has for her backyard pool. "Well, safety first," she says, wink wink. "Besides, he can watch the keeeds, while jooooo help me weeeth a snack!" Now, that was a euphemism. Crosby attempts to half-heartedly protest. Jabbar's not that great of a swimmer, he says, so he'll just stay in the pool with him. But the lifeguard, of all people, insists that he go off with Trampy, which he does. Nervously, he follows her through the house, trying to keep one eye on the pool, and one eye on her admittedly fine ass. He's obviously worried about Jabbar, but battling his libido. For a moment, it appears the latter will win out. Like a cougar (ugh), the woman pounces on him and things appear to be going swimmingly. But after a few seconds, Crosby realizes his heart isn't in it -- he doesn't feel right, as a parent, leaving Jabbar in the pool without him. "You're serious," Trampy says, when it is clear Crosby is calling it off. She dismounts in disgust and walks out. "Uh, I'm gonna need a minute," Crosby calls after her. This show needs to take a cold shower, damn!
Adam arrives at the school to pick up the girls, and finds Amber, alone, minus Haddie. "She's at Steve's," Amber tells him. "Can I still get a ride, or should I try to hitch one from a creepy stranger?" When she gets in the car, he tries to ask her how school was, but her ever-present iPod blocks her hearing. Attempting to be Cool Uncle Adam, he tells her that if she wants to listen to music, she can use his awesome iPod docking station. "Check this out," he says, grabbing her iPod over weak protests. But instead of rocking out, he hears the dulcet tones of Mr. Cyr, reading vocabulary words, complete with cutesy sentence usages: "Principal Grayson is extremely loquacious." Okay, I don't think an English teacher would suggest modifying "loquacious" with "extremely," but whatever. Details. Anyway, Amber is chagrined and jokes that she's sure Adam is shocked to find her studying for her SATs on Saturday with the help of her English teacher. "Cool," Adam says. "That's a good guy." Amber says yeah, he's a great guy, in that way that cool teenage girls have of giving their crushes away so obviously. She says she really thinks Mr. Cyr cares if she does well on the test. Adam lets a little look of worry pass over his face, and she catches it. "What?" she asks. He says it's nothing and says he has some music for her to hear: "You like Van Halen?" They cut away, but we can assume it's Hot for Teacher. OMG, are y'all old like me and can remember every second of that video? David Lee Roth, why did you have to get so crazy and weird? How much did Van Halen rule?
Sarah is getting her first look at Mr. Cyr's apartment, and is impressed. He has a little present for her -- a copy of The Sound and the Fury, the book that sort of brought them together, when Amber plagiarized Sarah's high school paper on it. Sarah is a little confused that he'd be giving it to her, now. "I have seen this before," she says. "So, then, is this like, the English teacher's version of 'hey, baby, come up to my apartment, I'll show you my etchings.'" Mr. Cyr laughs and says no, no. He tells her to open the book to page 47. It's his own copy and he wants her to see a paragraph he highlighted when he was 17-years-old. It's the same paragraph Sarah wrote that paper on when she was 17, herself: Caddy got the box and set it on the floor and opened it. It was full of stars. When I was still, they were still. When I moved, they glinted and sparkled. I hushed. "So, tell me that that isn't weird," Mr. Cyr says, "that two people from two different high schools..." Sarah: "Yes, decades apart!" Hee. They laugh, acknowledging how wild it is that they'd both pinpoint that same passage in the book. "I love that part," Sarah says. "The box of stars -- it's such a good metaphor for Caddy." Right, Mr. Cyr says. "Bright and burning." Sarah says yes, but she's closed off in such a dark, claustrophobic space. "But," Mr. C adds, all significantly, "she's lighting up everybody around her." Wow, this Faulkner shtick is actually working! Nerdy guys take note: Sarah is putty in his hands. "Seducing me with The Sound and the Fury," Sarah laughs as they begin kissing. Mr. Cyr: "It works every time!" Heee. Well, hell, it works this time.
In fact, the morning, Sarah meets Adam for a very early coffee at the diner, and is bouncing on her seat, the dead give-away of one who has, in fact, hit that. She asks Adam why they're meeting so early. He says he's been trying to squeeze in a walk with Kristina all week, and "just that simple act requires that I get to work early, so I can get home early, so I can get there before Gaby is done working with Max." He is stressed, to say the least, but he's actually there to talk about Sarah, he says, about this thing with Amber's teacher. "His name... is Mark..." Sarah says, sexily. Adam cuts the BS, though: "I don't think it's a good idea." Sarah is shocked. "Thank you for the unwanted advice," she says. "Is that why we got up so early? For you to tell me that I couldn't be happy?" Poor Sarah. Adam says that the thing is, when he drove Amber home from school the night before, he could tell she has a major crush on Mr. Cyr. "No, she doesn't," Sarah insists. Adam stands firm: "Yes, she does." He asks if she remembers when she had that crush on Mr. Levitsky in high school. "How would you have felt if Mom slept with Mr. Levitsky?" he asks. Sarah, of course, is grossed out. "It's different," she says. "Mom was married, and Mom was... Mom!" Adam says he just doesn't want to see her fall into another... Sarah interrupts: "Another failure? Because nothing I do ever works out?" Adam sighs. He says he sees so many improvements in Amber right now -- she's happier, she cares about school. "You don't want her to backslide," he says. Sarah is mad. "I see those things," she says. "You're not the only good parent." Adam is set back. All he's asking her to do, he says, is think about Amber before she does anything. She doesn't tell him that it's too late.
Amber is in her room studying when Sarah knocks on the door. Sarah comes in with the tell-tale sign of a parent with a Big Announcement. "Why are you being weird?" Amber asks. "Did somebody die?" Sarah says no, nobody died. "I met somebody," she says. Amber gives this the brush. "Wait, there's more," Sarah says, nervous. "It's somebody you know." Now Amber is interested, and asks who it is. "It's uh, your teacher," Sarah says, while Amber's face drains. "Mr. Cyr." Amber is, in a word, devastated, but does her best to hide it. "Yeah, I guessed it wasn't Mrs. Hasbrook," she attempts to joke. Sarah, with a touch of Lorelai Gilmore: "No, not with those orthopedic shoes." Poor Amber. She can't do anything but smile sadly. "It's great," she says. "I said it was great." Sarah kind of bumbles out the rest, asking if Amber wants to talk about it. "Nah, I just want to study," Amber says, smiling, but Sarah can hardly get out the door before Amber breaks down. Sarah hears her from the hallway and realizes, now, that Adam was right.
Speaking of Adam, the problem is, he's always right. He gets home from work to find that all his best-laid plans to go on a walk with his wife were for naught. Gaby leaves early on Thursdays, which he didn't remember, and won't be able to stay with Max. He offers her overtime pay and everything, but she says she needs a break in between the families that she works with. "I hope you understand," she says, and while he does understand, he's still upset. "Well, that's great that she gets some time to herself," he snits, as soon as she's out the door. "Maybe she can make another date with Jose Cuervo!" Kristina is confused by his outburst, but he brushes her off, pissily saying he's going to check on Max. "Okay, he's fine," she sa
ys. "He's not the one I'm worried about right now. What's your problem?" He stomps into the kitchen like a teenage girl, and Kristina follows. "You're all wound up," she says. "It means you need to take some time for yourself or you're gonna snap." Thing is, he's already snapping, angrily throwing Max's toys off the counter into a bin. Kristina yells for him to stop, reminding him of the system. If Max cleans up his toys, he gets a sticker. "Okay," Adam snarks, looking at the mess. "I'll just live like this." His PMSy behavior continues until Kristina is in tears. Oh, men who act like teenage girls, I love them. I mean, I feel for the guy, but come on. He bitches that he has no time for himself, and cannot imagine making any with all his responsibilities to think of -- Crosby needs advice about Jabbar; Sarah's kids need a father figure; his own daughter won't even go on a bike ride; etc. Daddy's having a meltdown. "I don't have a life!" he says. "I have a schedule." Kristina cries, asking how that's supposed to make her feel. "Kristina, this isn't about YOU!" he says, which enrages me, because... yeah, dick, it's about YOU. He says -- to the woman his children treat like a maid and a cook -- that he feels like everybody treats him like a household appliance. Kristina cries anew, taking it all on her shoulders. "Adam, stop," she says as he rants. "Maybe what you need to do is take a break. You CAN take a break. Take. A break." With that, she leaves, in tears.
Speaking of tears: when Lauren Graham cries, I cry. She's arrived at Mr. Cyr's apartment and lays it immediately on the line. "In two years, Amber's going to be graduated," she says when she walks in the door. "And you'll be 30! Or, almost 30. And... I think that's the time that we should go out, ." Aw. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Cyr says. "I'm asking you to go out with me," Sarah says, beginning to cry. Mr. Cyr: "In... two years?" He says he doesn't understand -- this dating thing has been working. "This is not the part of my life that's supposed to be working," she says. She moved back home to take care of her family, and she thinks she's doing a terrible job. She sobs that she can't think of anything else to do. "Wait," Mr. Cyr says. "I don't want to wait two years for this, do you?" Sarah: "Then don't, okay?" Oh, damn, L.G. You get me, every time. She leaves, having knocked the breath clean out of Mr. C and the rest of us, as well.
Saturday dawns, and Amber comes downstairs to find her mom sharpening pencils. Like, dozens of them. Amber is... frosty, to say the least. Sarah cheerily tries to push some coffee and a granola bar on her, as well as the pencils, but Amber rolls her eyes and stomps out. Finally, at her mom's insistence, she turns around at the door. "Good luck," Sarah says, lamely, and Amber stomps out.
Things are going about as well with Crosby. Jasmine has arrived at the houseboat with Jabbar. "You're busted," she says. "Jabbar told me about the playdate." She says she doesn't want her kid used as chick bait, left alone in a pool while he gets it on with some woman. Crosby swears it wasn't like that. Well, it was like that, he says, but he shut it down. In fact, he adds, so proud of himself, it was sort of like, a life lesson. Poor, delusional Crosby. Jasmine ain't going for it. "What is wrong with you?" she yells. Jabbar looks worried, man. When mama ain't happy... Anyway, Crosby says he wants to be the man Jasmine thought he was. "Then BE it," she says. He swears he's trying, but she leaves with the kid, anyway. Not sure why she had to come all the way there and drag Jabbar to get in his face, but whatever. She makes a good point. Crosby calls after Jabbar that he'll see him, soon.
Adam has finally, somehow, convinced Haddie to take a bike ride with him. They arrive at a park in the city as Haddie really gets warmed up on a complaint about Kristina. "If you want something, ask me," she says, about her mom. "It's just this look that she does all the time, and I'm sure you've seen it!" Adam, who has no doubt seen it, asks her to look around the park and see the play structure, all the grass and the nice benches. She does, shrugging. He says that the company that built the adjacent building wanted to use every inch of the land to build offices. "Your mother stepped in and fought them," he says, saying she convinced the company to put up $200k to build the park, instead. "Without her, this wouldn't be here." Haddie is actually sort of impressed. "Wow," she says. "That's so Erin Brockovich of her." She sits down with Adam on a step and looks at the park, sighing. Adam puts his arm around her. "Thank you," he says. Haddie looks worried as any teenager would, receiving unexpected thanks from a parent. He says he is just thankful that she came out with him today for the bike ride. "I know there are other things you'd rather be doing with your Saturday," he says. Haddie proudly says no, there aren't. "Yeah, that's what I thought," Adam says, laughing. This father-daughter bonding is quite short-lived, though, when Haddie's cell phone rings. "Steve?" Adam sighs. Haddie says yeah, he was supposed to call her if basketball let out early so they could hang out. "But," she says, seeing her father's disappointment. "I'm gonna tell him that I can't -- that I'm busy." Adam says no, she should go. She insists that she doesn't mind. "Haddie, go," he says. "Be 15. Just be a good girl." Sweet dad. That killed me a little. Excitedly, Haddie takes the call from Steve and scurries off with her bike. Adam watches her go, sad, but then seems to have a new thought.
Amber, meanwhile, is having an old thought. Outside the school, she sits smoking a cigarette, looking around for someone. Tragically, the hated Damian arrives in his stupid van. Of course he drives a van. "I can't believe you drove all the way from Fresno," she says, jumping in and kissing him. He asks how her test went, and she tells him she didn't go to it. He's surprised. "What do you care?" she asks. "Let's just go!"
Kristina is folding laundry when she finds a coffee drink in the linen closet. It's a decaf, vanilla sugar-free latte from Haddie! She turns to find her standing there, Steve in tow. "We stopped by Pete's," she says, "and I didn't know if you'd want your usual. It's not a big deal, at all." Kristina says, no, it is a big deal. Steve makes himself useful by telling her how much worse sugar-free syrup is than regular. Ugh. Is there such a thing as a teenager that is NOT annoying? Even the nice ones are insufferable. Haddie and Steve wander down toward Haddie's bedroom. "Keep the door open, please," Kristina says, as Haddie says "of course" and pushes the door almost closed. Kristina asks where Adam is. "I don't know," Haddie says. "We split up like, three hours ago." Kristina: "What?"
Indeed, Adam is off on his own, for once. In fact, he's at the beach, staring out the ocean, zipped into a wetsuit and ready to take on the waves. As he carries his board into the surf, his phone rings. He keeps walking.
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