Props to Czeri and PageOfSwords for hooking me up with this episode.
Call me Couch Baron. I start with that homage because finally, the white whale of Oz that is this episode is being harpooned. Of course, this may come at a heavy price. Sars has convinced me that the reason this episode has remained unrecapped for so long is that there's a curse on it, and so, I can only conclude that by the time you read this, I will be dead. Don't feel too sad for me, though. I've had a good run -- I've managed to recap three shows I really enjoy, and I haven't had to do any crappy reality shows, horrible spinoffs, or worst of all, 7th Heaven. (I hope I don't have to see the Camdens in the afterlife, that's for sure and certain.) So anyway, laugh at my jokes, or I'll scare your cats and make Whoopi Goldberg come talk to you. All clear? Here we go.
The new credits contain a certain "cocktail" being thrown, and a certain fingernail incident, and yet they're about ten times less gross and violent than those of last season. Tom, are you getting soft?
Well, not on me, as the opening shot is of Hill cackling. He says, "Oz," and then so do several other people: McManus, Beecher, Schillinger, Pete, Ryan, a newly bearded Glynn, and Alvarez. Hill cracks up some more, and boy, now that I'm probably dead, if I can find the cloud you're living on, Hill, I'm gonna slap you silly. Behind Hill, a projection of the montage we just saw plays again, including Said at the end, who somehow didn't rate the live version, as Hill tells us that Oz is now called the Oswald State Correctional Facility, but that, despite the new name, he doesn't see any differences among the prisoners, which is a rather ham-handed way for him to exposit some plot points from last season, and since he doesn't tell us anything we're not going to see for ourselves soon enough, I'm going to skip it. I will mention, however, that Adebisi has hair now. Hair, and no hat. Now this is a twist, people. Hill speculates that the dropping of the word "penitentiary" is the state admitting that the prisoners aren't penitent. Um, Hill? If you put any finer a point on that it would take an electron microscope to see it, so why don't you grant a possibly dead man's greatest living wish and SHUT UP.
Press conference. Devlin announces that, in an effort to cut state spending, he's putting certain services in the hands of outside contractors. He tells the reporters that "Weigert," a private managed-care corporation, is taking over health services in the state's prisons. Devlin introduces "Dr. Frederick Garvey," who's a total H!ITG! and, despite being white-haired, also has the blackest bushiest eyebrows this side of The O.C. Gloria watches warily as Garvey says that they'll be securing "the best talent available," and they hope to keep as many staff members as possible. Gloria? The dictionary called. It would like to know if it could use your facial expression to the word "cynical."
The bell rings, and Alvarez slowly opens his eyes. Boy, it would be nice to see him first thing in the morning. Especially shirtless, as he is here. Hill intones, "Solitary confinement," which is the second time we've heard about that in the first three minutes, thank you very much, Fontana, but even Guy Pearce in Memento would still remember that. Alvarez takes a piss in all his shirtless glory (yes, I know that's the second time I've mentioned he's shirtless, but some things are actually worth repeating) as Hill tells us that in the 1800s, Alexis de Tocqueville came to the U.S. to study our penal system. I guess that Bastille Day thing got the French thinking. Alvarez sadly (for us) gets dressed as Hill says that although, back in day, people believed that solitary confinement offered prisoners the opportunity for quiet reflection, the truth is that "no man wants to spend that much time thinking about himself all day." Tell that to David Blaine.
Doctor Eyebrows expresses incredulity to Gloria that Alvarez is on 200 milligrams of Zoloft a day. Nice to know that before the Pfizer product-placement people got to Everwood, they were in Oz. That means I've followed the path of the Pfizer product-placement people. Well, I'm glad I know this recap is going to kill me, or I'd have to make other arrangements. Gloria explains that Alvarez has a history of depression and suicidal tendencies, but Eyebrows doesn't see the need to keep him on the medication. Perhaps if he knew what kinds of cleanup jobs are in store for the custodial staff, he'd reconsider out of sympathy. Gloria tries to tell Eyebrows that Alvarez could be a danger to himself, but Eyebrows sits firm: As of tomorrow, no more Zoloft. Bye, Pfizer!
In Glynn's office, he explains to Pete and Gloria that he can't interfere with the decisions Weigert makes. Pete, still sporting a hideous perm, asks if that's it, they just are going to let Alvarez sink into depression, but Glynn's expression is all, um, honey? This is the guy who CELEBRATED WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS RAPED, so I'm more inclined to dance than cry at the prospect of his suffering, thanks. See, Fontana? I have a decent memory, after all.
Gloria takes Alvarez his last dose of meds, and breaks the news about the pills. Alvarez says that his grandfather told him "yesterday" that Gloria wouldn't be coming to visit him any more, like, nice job, Zoloft. And nice job, product-placement people! Gloria's like, that would be your dead grandfather? She starts to leave Crazy Central, but Alvarez grabs her wrist and begs her not to leave. Alvarez struggles to tell her that he liked working in the ward, and I have to say that Kirk Acevedo does a great job of playing Alvarez as being on the brink of madness here. He kisses her hand and wistfully thanks her for caring. Gloria looks like she wants to spend a day and a half in the shower. She leaves, and when she's gone, he dumps his meds in the toilet. So wait, was he never taking them? Wouldn't she insist on seeing him take them? So she just trusts the mentally unbalanced to take their medication? Well, Eyebrows wasn't wrong about this being a waste, then. Wake up and smell your incompetence, Gloria.
Mukada's office. Gloria tells him about the dead grandfather thing, and says that although Pete will continue to monitor him, since he and Mukada have had a "special relationship" (wink wink, nudge nudge), she thought he'd want to know, and he thanks her for the information. She emotionally says that she's known tons of barrio boys like Alvarez. Oh, Gloria, they can't have all been that pretty. She goes on that a lot of them have ended up in prison or dead, and she's not sure how much longer she can do this job. Well, keep pissing off Dr. Eyebrows and you won't have to.
Alvarez is lying on his bed when Mukada comes to offer him communion. Alvarez petulantly tells him that he's told him before: He can't take communion without going to confession, and he can't confess. Mukada asks why not, and when Alvarez doesn't answer, he tells the attending hack to leave them alone. Alvarez exposits that Mukada has told him to rat on everyone involved in Rivera's blinding, and he won't do that. Mukada: "You won't, or you can't?" Alvarez notes that Mukada took vows when he went into the priesthood, and says he took his own going into El Norte. Mukada thinks that Alvarez is in the same cell as his grandfather, which Alvarez confirms, adding that he's still there. Well, I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to have to haunt my bedroom now. They can at least give me TWoP Towers -- the things you could witness there if you were invisible! Whoops, I shouldn't really mention that, on the off chance I survive this recap. Anyway, Mukada reminisces about talking to Alvarez's grandfather about Alvarez's baby, and asks if he remembers how sad he was when the baby died. Perhaps wondering, as I am, where the hell he could be going with this, Alvarez changes the subject, pointing out the communion wafers and asking what they're made of. Mukada tells him they're flour, and Alvarez tells him to give him one. Mukada protests, but Alvarez grabs a handful and starts stuffing his face. Mukada asks him why he did that. As much as I rack my brain, I can only come up with the thought that he might be hungry. That's the right answer, you say? Then why the fuck couldn't Mukada figure that out? Jeez. Alvarez says that he'll tell Mukada what's going on as long as he makes this a confessional, so he can't repeat it to anybody. Mukada agrees. Alvarez says that because he attacked Rivera, who was a hack, the other hacks are retaliating by "forgetting" to feed him. He holds a large container of yellowish liquid as he reveals that he's only eating about twice a week, and he doesn't get any water. Mukada's Oh, God, This Is Going To Be Gross alarm goes off. As does mine. He asks what Alvarez has been drinking. Alvarez: "Stuff from the toilet. My own piss." He takes a swig from the bottle. Mukada, I can only imagine, tries valiantly not to throw up. Hey, Father Ray, let it fly. If you do, at least Alvarez will get dinner.
Em City. The hacks conduct morning count as Said is led to the gate. Metzger is giving the new inmates Diane's speech, and I'm sure it won't surprise you to hear that his version is nowhere near as commanding as hers. Said, El Cid, and Wangler all greet their charges. Wangler's is a "Malcolm Coyle," who rates an immediate prisoner flashback. You know, given that there are regulars on the show who still haven't had a flashback (Arif and Guerra come to mind), I'm really hating this immediate introduction to these characters' histories. It just telegraphs that they're going to be important for an episode or two and then disappear or die. Anyway, Coyle and a crony emerge from robbing what looks like a sporting-goods store, if the golf clubs in Coyle's hand are any indication, but two cops are on the sidewalk. They shoot his friend, who had a gun. Coyle, armed only with the golf clubs, surrenders. Well, that was informative. What? Seriously, that was the most pointless prisoner flashback ever. "Prisoner Number 99C122. Malcolm Coyle." Grand larceny, armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, assault of a police officer. WHAT? We saw no indication of either of those last two things. How are we supposed to get any insight through these flashbacks if they don't even show us the important stuff? Sheesh. Anyway, Coyle's sentence is fifty years, parole in twenty.
Wangler introduces Coyle, who apparently goes by "Snake," to The Artist Formerly Known As Poet, who's going by his given name, since he doesn't write poetry any more. Well, this episode is certainly looking up, then. Snake wonders why they're watching Miss Sally's Schoolyard, as it looks like a bunch of stupid puppets, but soon Miss Sally appears and starts jiggling her hooters around, and the crowd, well, hoots. Pancamo thankfully interrupts this animals-in-their-natural-habitat Not-ional Geographic moment to tell Wangler that Nappa wants to see him. Cut to the bathroom, where Nappa is shaving, and since there's no shirtless Ryan this time, I feel teased, and not in the good way. Wangler lectures Nappa that he's going by "Bricks" now, and if that's some sort of "dumb as a box of" commentary by the writers about Wangler, there might be hope for this season yet. But seriously, how lame is Wangler? I mean, he's like that girl in junior high who decided that her middle name was so much cooler than her first name and told everyone to start calling her by her middle name, and everyone's like, "Sure, [Middle Name]," even though everyone knew even in junior high school that this was a little phase that was going to last two weeks, at most. "Bricks," my ass. Nappa gives the code that tomorrow, "everybody gets healthy," meaning that the drugs are on their way, baby, and he doesn't want Snake hearing too much about their operation. Wangler protests that Snake "seems" all right, but Nappa duhs that "seems" isn't good enough, and given that Wangler was around for the whole Markstram affair, I'd think he'd think so too, but I guess that brings us back to the whole "Bricks" issue. Wangler asks how he can be sure, and Nappa in turn asks if "on the corner" they didn't have some sort of test for that. Wangler agrees that they did. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with drinking your own piss, because I've seen quite enough of that for one episode. Or lifetime, for that matter.
Gym. The "corner" population of Oz is playing a rousing game of Beat The Shit Out Of The New Guy. Ah, TWoP Towers comes to mind once more. Whoops again. I have got to learn not to transcribe my inner monologue. Wangler calls a halt, pulls a bloody and battered Coyle to his feet, and embraces him, as apparently he passed the test. I'd think you'd want to wait to declare that until you're sure the guy isn't going to slice your face up like a surgeon in revenge the first chance he gets, but I'm not from the corner, so what do I know? Some of the brothers drag Coyle ostensibly to the hospital wing, but Wangler stops to tell Nappa that Coyle is "down with us." Whatever, Bricks.
Hill tells us that jailhouse confessions have to be taken with a grain of salt. Thanks for telling us something that McManus didn't already know. Hill says that it's more likely to be a half-truth, and wonders why it's never called a "half-lie." Well, I think that probably has to with with the glass being half OH MY GOD SHUT UP.
Psych ward. It's arts and crafts time, apparently, and given the dim view I have of my own arts and crafts experiences, the setting seems quite fitting. A guy who looks like the creepiest Creepy Jesus yet walks into a cell and pushes the occupant out of view. Adebisi sees this, and gets to his feet. We see that it's Schibetta's cell as Creepiest Jesus smears paint onto Schibetta's face. Schibetta yells, and Adebisi, having reason to believe that something far more sinister is going on, rushes in. He easily tosses Creepiest Jesus aside, and then gently starts pacifying a freaked, crying Schibetta. It's the only instance I've seen on this show in which Adebisi has been purely sympathetic, and it's touching enough that I'm not even going to make a "get your hands off my piece of ass" joke. Oh, would you look at that. Adebisi turns on the sink and starts dabbing away at Schibetta's face as, in voice-over, Pancamo recounts what happened in this scene. Cut to Nappa's cell, where Pancamo finishes up the story. Nappa says he's heard that Adebisi's changed, but he's still skeptical. Pancamo exposits that Adebisi may be getting out of the psych ward soon, and Nappa smiles that that could be useful. Er?
Pete's office. Wow, Adebisi looks different with hair. She tells him that she's releasing him from the ward. He asks if she thinks he's ready, and she tells him that she's been steadily reducing his dosage of Xanax (which was completely her decision, I'm sure) and he hasn't exhibited any violent behavior, so yes, she thinks he is in fact ready. Since we're going through all sorts of prescription drugs in this episode, Pete, perhaps you could find one that would make your hair a little less unfortunate. I think Dr. Eyebrows would even approve it, for general humanitarian reasons. McManus, who apparently has been there the whole time, says the question is whether Adebisi should come back to Em City, and given that he did absolutely nothing wrong in the immediate leadup to his going around the bend, I don't see why not, other than that making a big deal about it makes McManus feel self-important, and look, if you run a sentence on long enough, you can always answer your own question. Adebisi says he would like to come back, but McManus notes that plenty of the people in there have issues with him, and while I will concede that point, I don't think I buy that Adebisi would be safer anywhere else in Oz, so ultimately, I reject McManus's argument. Stop the presses. Adebisi says he'll apologize to everyone he's hurt, starting with McManus. He turns his head toward the camera and says he's sorry, and I don't think I've said enough how good an actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is -- that look was ambiguous enough to be positively Schillingerian. McManus accepts the apology.
Em City. Adebisi returns. Ryan regards him appraisingly, perhaps wondering whether the new hair makes him sexier. Adebisi steels himself and approaches Nappa, who's getting a haircut right in the middle of the main area. Give me a fucking break, here. Adebisi: "I thought the road to my salvation was Africa. But there's nothing pure in Africa. It's backwards, diseased, corrupt. I was dancing in circles. I don't want to live in a hut. By taking Jara's life, you saved mine. Thank you." Nappa nods magnanimously, although he could simply be worried about setting Adebisi off in the vicinity of a pair of scissors. Adebisi asks for his job in the kitchen back. Nappa grants his request, on the condition that he not sell any tits. Adebisi: "Trust me. I'm done with drugs." Need I point out that the last time he said that, he went just the slightest bit squirrelly? He leaves, and Wangler appears immediately and gets up in Nappa's grill, saying that he can't possibly believe Adebisi. Nappa's all, maybe I do, maybe I don't, and in any case, you don't touch him until I give the word, you snivelling stocking-cap-wearing toady. When Wangler's gone, Pancamo asks why they don't just let Wangler kill Adebisi. Nappa breathes that Wangler's getting cocky, and intimates that Adebisi might be a more valuable partner down the road. Nappa, you might want to buy a slide rule or something, because that was a serious miscalculation.
Kitchen. Ryan asks Adebisi what he's up to, but Adebisi says nothing. Ryan: "This is me you're talking to." Yeah, the "special relationships" abound. He asks if he's really not going to get revenge on the "Wops" and Wangler, and Adebisi confirms that. Ryan: "Whatever drugs [Xanax!] they had you on in the psych ward [Xanax!] I hope you brought enough to share. [Xanax Xanax Xanax Xanax XANAX!]" Now, what drug was that again? Ryan walks away, and Wangler and Coyle get in Adebisi's face a bit. Adebisi walks away from him, but flashes back to Jara's death. Guess Wangler doesn't know the adage about letting crazy dogs lie.
A suit-wearing man walks in and notes that Oz's name has changed. I see no point in dragging out the suspense: It's Clayton Hughes. The drunk hack at the desk tells him that his dad is still missed. Clayton thanks him, and says that he's there to see Glynn about applying for a job. Cut to Glynn: "No. Absolutely not." Leo, you're not doing the phrase "no means no" any favors here. Clayton informs us that he came in second in his class in C.O. training. Glynn asks if his mother knows about this, but Clayton says he wants to surprise her. Um, yeah. "Mom, I got a job at the exact same place and doing the exact same thing as Dad when he was killed!" As far as "pleasant" surprises go, that's up there with "I'm getting married to your best friend!" Glynn agrees with me. Clayton tries to convince him, but Glynn says he promised his father he'd watch out for Clayton. Clayton plays the trump card, though, saying that if he doesn't hire him, another prison will. Glynn, unbelievably and unfortunately, doesn't see the easy way out there.
Cafeteria. Glynn addresses a crop of new C.O.s, including Clayton and Claire Howell. He says he was in their shoes thirty years earlier, and passes along some advice that his warden gave him: "'Be aware, and beware.' My own little addendum is 'be fair.'" And my own little addendum: Shut up, er...there. Afterward, Clayton tells Glynn that it sounded like he's given that same speech a hundred times before, and I have to agree that it sounded as canned as cheap fruit cocktail. He asks where he's going to be assigned. Glynn: "Somewhere you'll be safe." Cut to the front, where Clayton is fending off a mob of visitors. It seems contrived, but I get to laugh at Clayton's misfortune, so I'll ignore it. I can be bought. Glynn waves at Clayton. Hee.
Locker room. Claire enters to find Diane. They introduce themselves, and Claire quickly asks, "Who's the cute guy who's running Emerald City?" My brain desperately tries to squeeze itself out of one of my ears, but that's futile, really, because alive or dead, I'm not ready for this conversation. Diane tells her, and Claire asks if he's available. Diane falters a little before answering yes, which Claire picks up on. "You used to fuck him?" Well, at least I know if I go to hell, it won't be any worse than this conversation. Diane admits that she did. She tells Claire to let her know if she needs anything, which is an awfully strange and disturbing remark given what they were just talking about, but Claire mercifully says she can take care of herself, and leaves. Diane: "Yes, I'm sure you can." You did hear that she's after McManus, right?
McManus's office. Claire arrives and asks McManus if he's working late. No, he's just finished, so Claire asks him out for dinner. He hems and haws, and she playfully asks if a woman asking him out puts him off. Well, let's get a woman in here and find out. I don't mean that as a sexist remark -- I just don't think Claire's actually human. I don't know what a succinct term for "that which is cursed to walk the earth after being expelled fully formed from Satan's bowels," but I'm guessing it isn't "woman." McManus says he actually finds Claire's forthrightness "ballsy," which is another contextually bizarre and disturbing remark, and she says there's a Rumanian restaurant around the corner she's been dying to try, like (a) I didn't think prisons usually had a lot of customer-driven businesses flourishing right on their doorsteps, and (b) she seems to know the neighborhood really well, considering IT'S HER FIRST DAY. Anyway, McManus accepts, and Claire says she'll meet him in the parking lot, leaving McManus to wonder what he's gotten himself into. I think it's safe to say this, Tim: You have no fucking idea.
Hill says that love is the ultimate half-truth.
Visiting area. The extended family of a prisoner I've never seen before piles in to visit him. They talk about Em City and his mother not being there and the riot and WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? Oh, wait, I have seen him -- he's the guy El Cid is sponsoring. He sits down with Guerra and El Cid, the latter of whom calls him "Carlos," and I'd point out that while the guy's clearly Hispanic, if Alvarez is "white," this guy's a freaking Albino. El Cid asks if he had a good day with his family, and upon hearing a positive response, says that he doesn't know what it's like to have family. Carlos asks if he thinks that a man doesn't need a family, and El Cid says that he's been in juvie and then prison since he was nine, and he was raised by the system and proud of it. If someone takes it upon himself to reunite El Cid with some long-lost relative, I will be sick. Someone might want to let Alvarez know.
In the mailroom, Hoyt opens a letter that causes him to smile big. He pockets it. Schillinger asks him what it is, and Hoyt's all, what letter? Schillinger quickly gets annoyed, and tells him that if he's running his own scam, he'll get him transferred out of the mailroom faster than he can spit. In response, Hoyt hocks a loogie on the floor. Lovely. Although I bet Claire would be turned on if she saw that.
Cyril has a nightmare about his rape. He wakes up yelling, "Ryan!" and a shirtless Ryan appears. Boy, I may have to try that. It probably won't work, but what's the downside? Ryan holds Cyril as he cries.
Cafeteria. Ryan's serving, and Schillinger's coming up in line. I lean back in my chair in anticipation, but nothing happens, and Ryan ends up impotently storming off. Especially depressing is that I never wanted to have to introduce the words "Ryan" and "impotently" to each other, although perhaps now that Claire's arrived, I should be more open-minded about the whole thing. Poet observes that Ryan's "hissyfit" must be about Schillinger, and suggests that he serve Schillinger ground glass like he did with Nino Schibetta. Ryan gives his usual line that Adebisi killed Nino, and complains that Schillinger's always got the bikers or Aryans around, so he can't get close to him. Poet's all, unless...and Ryan's like, exactly, and I'm like, the hell? I think, should I apply for any journalism jobs in the future, that I won't use that last sentence as a writing sample.
Ryan goes to see Hoyt, and requests an ask. Hoyt says he doesn't do them, so Ryan suggests a trade instead. "Tits for tat." Okay, that's pretty clever. No wonder Mickey came up with it. Ryan warns Hoyt that it could get him in deep shit with Schillinger, and Hoyt's like, fuck Schillinger, and I want to know what was in that letter or I will kick Contrivance's ass, because this sudden "fuck Schillinger" attitude of Hoyt's makes no sense. Oh, and they're having this conversation while Hoyt's tattooing another biker, like, I'm so sure that Ryan would discuss his plan in the presence of a witness before he even knows if Hoyt's amenable to it. Ryan says he's expecting a package on Thursday, and Hoyt has to get it through the X-ray machine without Schillinger seeing it. Hoyt agrees without asking what it is, and I'd think he'd want to know exactly how much trouble he could get in in advance, but since this entire plotline makes no sense already, nitpicking points like that is probably overkill.
Ryan walks through the gym with his arm around Cyril and loudly and obviously tells him about Hoyt and the package. An Aryan overhears him.
Mailroom. Hoyt sees a set of brass knuckles. He grabs the package and puts it aside, but Schillinger sets the hacks on him. Didn't Hoyt go to Harvard or something? How is he so dumb?
McManus's office. McManus asks about the brass knuckles, and Ryan says they're a present he didn't ask for from his aunt, who's a "nutjob." I'm guessing she's from his father's side. McManus then asks Hoyt why he didn't report the knuckles to the attending hack when he saw them on the screen, but Hoyt blusters that he didn't see him. McManus changes Hoyt's work assignment to the dress shop, and suggests that Ryan tell his aunt to send him socks. Ryan: "That's funny." And you're hot. McManus suspends their gym privileges for a week, and lets them go. On the stairs, Hoyt muses that they got off easy, and Ryan points out that it's no thanks to Schillinger. He says he'd like to teach him a lesson, and Hoyt looks thoughtful. Would anyone mind if I start singing a little Toni Basil?
Gym. Schillinger holds focus pads for the Aryan that squealed on Hoyt. Hoyt appears, though how he got in with his REVOKED GYM PRIVILEGES is beyond me, and pushes the squealer away and swings at Schillinger with the knife. Schillinger, using the pads, defends himself quite capably against Hoyt and a biker accomplice of his until the SORT team shows up. Schillinger looks a bit shaken at his brush with death.
Hoyt gets thrown in the Hole, naked. Unfortunately, it's shadowy, and you don't get a good like at Evan Seinfeld's, er, impressiveness. Yet.
TV area. Keller sits to Ryan and breaks the news that Schillinger escaped without a scratch. Ryan freaks. So do I, as Miss Sally and those damn puppets are on again.
Death Row. Shirley introduces herself to Hanlon. Hey, Richie! He says he knows who she is, as she's the only woman on Death Row, and he notes that it looks like he's the only man. Shirley likens them to Adam and Eve, and all I can say is that I thought the Bible was scary enough before I got that image in my head. Shirley gets Hanlon's name, and asks whom he killed. He says no one, and she's like, me either. She tells him she lost control of her car and her daughter drowned, and I can see her keeping up this lie to authority figures, but I'm not sure why she has to tell that to everyone, as we know she's not actually trying to convince herself. They exposit that they're both appealing their guilty verdicts, and Shirley says hers is week, and her lawyer's given her some hope. Then: "Show me your prick." Yeah, I'd like to say I haven't heard such non-sequiturish sexual transitions before. I'd like to. Hanlon is all, "Guh?" She repeats herself and offers to show him hers in return. He stammers that he's gay. Shirley: "Look, I don't care if you're Portuguese. I don't want to die with never having seen another prick again." Oh, just ask McManus to walk through Death Row. Thank you! Try the veal! She goes on that they're all they've got now, and begs him again. He takes it out, and although we don't see it, the way he's holding it makes me think that he wasn't exactly ashamed to walk into the communal shower, if you follow me. Shirley confirms my thoughts: "Well, well. You must have made some boy very, very happy." Well, she's certainly more tolerant about sexual practices than she is about skin color. Not that that's a surprise. Hanlon giggles all, "Yeah, it is sort of huge, isn't it?" I offer these immortal words: Show, don't tell.
The Muslims bitch about how the judicial system is prejudiced towards blacks, and then Said exposits that they're bringing a class-action suit on behalf of the inmates injured in the riot against the state. Arif tells us that their hope is that the courts rule in their favor. Wow, Arif, you must really have taxed your brain with that one. Maybe you should lie down -- I'll wake you when the episode is over. I promise. The new dude Said's sponsoring, who I'll tell you now is named Khan and is also played by Ernie Hudson Jr., asks Said if he's going to be the lawyer in the case, and he says yes, along with one of the country's top litigators, an "Arnold Zellman." Khan spits, "A Jew?" Said tells him to rein that in, like, word, Minister, and goes on that they need to be ecumenical at a time like this. He says that he has a meeting with Scott Ross's sister, and I can't believe that I can't get through a single recap without a mention of Ross, especially since he died OVER A SEASON AGO. God.
Said meets with Ross's sister, a Poor Man's Laura Linney, who's teary as she says that she never visited Ross in Oz, and that they weren't close and didn't share the same mother. This scene is boring to start, and I'm about to give up on it completely when Said asks her if she'll join the lawsuit. She says no, and he's shocked and asks why. PMLL: "I grew up with Scott. He was a mean boy, and he became a mean man. I don't know much about how things work, about how the other prisoners behaved, but my guess is if the guards used excessive force on Scott he probably deserved it." You go, Poor Man's Laura Linney. Said can't help but smile a bit, although he does urge her to reconsider, as he's trying to stop brutality. She admits that she knows what it's like to be treated badly, and he intensely says that he can see that. So are these two going to do it, or what? They shake hands for about a billion years, which Schillinger observes.
Cafeteria. Schillinger sits down blustering about "mixing of the races." Said asks what he's on about, and Schillinger says he saw Said with "that piece of trailer-park trash." Considering you were probably sleeping with her brother, I don't know why you're all high and mighty here, Vern. Said claims that it was a business meeting. Schillinger: "What kind of business? Monkey business?" It's wrong, but hee. That's enough to get Said's followers to their feet, and the Aryans respond in kind. Their leaders tells them to sit right back down, but Schillinger needles the Muslims to ask Said why he's "making goo-goo eyes at a white girl." Said claims that's not true, but if you want to convince anyone, Said, you might want to say it in a voice less quavery than Beecher's grandmother's.
Hill tells us that we're unable to admit some things even to ourselves, because if we did, we'd have to stop being who we are. Well, well, well. A thought that's actually relevant. I must have died and gone to heaven.
Said in the shower, looking flustered as steam rises all around him. Here's a cure for what ails you, Kareem: Turn off the hot tap.
Busmalis is squeegeeing a window when evening count is called. He keeps going, and Metzger appears behind him. Busmalis says he's almost done, but Metzger puts an arm around his neck and starts choking him, saying what Busmalis is feeling is what Mack felt when Busmalis's tunnel collapsed. After Busmalis loses consciousness, Metzger tosses him down the stairs. A couple hacks run over and check on him, and Metzger smugly tells them to get him to the hospital. Don't you just want to give him the finger?
McManus comes to see Rebadow in his pod. Rebadow asks after Busmalis, and is informed that he's still having trouble breathing. Rebadow then tells McManus that Metzger is part of the Aryan Brotherhood, and McManus -- thankfully, considering he was acting like he was on to Metzger last episode -- says he knows. Rebadow wonders how Metzger keeps his job, but McManus, instead of saying it's because even Jericho the sock puppet could do a better job than he does, simply says that he won't keep it for long. As long as I'm defining facial expressions in this episode, I'll point out that you'd find Rebadow's in the dictionary to "cold comfort."
Locker room. McManus is getting something out of his locker. If I didn't know that the chapters are completely self-contained in terms of plot, I'd be afraid Claire was going to show up again, but it's Metzger that comes out of the shower. He asks McManus about Busmalis, and McManus makes it very clear that he suspects Metzger of brutality against Busmalis. He sarcastically compliments Metzger's Brotherhood tattoo, which the latter tries to pass off as a "souvenir of a misspent youth," like, that's really inspiring, and for once McManus isn't buying the bullshit everyone tries to sell him. Metzger says that even if he is what McManus thinks he is, he should tread lightly, as he'll want him around "when one of these fucks comes after you with a knife." I'm bored with you, Metzger. To paraphrase Morgan Freeman, let's get busy with the dying.
McManus informs Glynn and Pete that Metzger used to be part of a white supremacist cult in Montana. Glynn, shockingly, doesn't think he can do anything until they get some proof, and his attitude is really starting to give laissez-faire a bad name. McManus asks if they just let him stay on, and Glynn says yes. McManus: "Even though he thinks of you as a nigger?" I think Pete's hair might have curled from that comment, but as I indicated earlier, it's hard to tell. Glynn says that if McManus is trying to piss him off, he's succeeded, but he needs ammunition before he can take on the union. McManus says he'll see what he can do.
Gloria tells Beecher that his bones have healed, although she wants him to wear a brace for a couple more days. She gives him a cane, and reminds him to cut his fingernails. Foreshadowing, today taking the form of a large parrot, squawks, "Cut your fingernails! Cut your fingernails! AWK! AWK!" McManus appears and tells Beecher and Busmalis that he wants them to testify against Metzger. Busmalis, with a tube down his throat, indicates his refusal with a hand gesture. Beecher claims he doesn't remember what happened as we flash back to Keller breaking his wrist. "The human mind has a wonderful ability to erase the unpleasant parts of life." If that were true, I don't know how anyone in Oz would remember anything at all. Except maybe Alvarez in the shower.
Beecher limps his way back into Em City. Metzger sees him. Beecher enters his pod to find Keller lying on the bottom bunk. Well, this is certainly an awkward situation, but the plus side is, they could probably get on Jerry Springer with no problem now. "My boyfriend turned me gay and conspired with my Aryan rapist to break my arms and legs!" I don't think even Jerry's done that one yet. Beecher hobbles up to the top bunk and starts filing his nails. Keller calls his name, and says that although Beecher has no reason to believe him, he's sorry. Beecher, as predicted, doesn't believe him. Keller earnestly says that he loves Beecher, and that he's been trying to think of a way to prove that he's sorry. Beecher: "How about I fuck you in the ass?" Well, Keller, you might want to buy a new pair of shoes, because you certainly stepped into that one. Keller offers for Beecher to break his arms and legs, and Chris, you may be a top, but I've got to think that what you're proposing is a tad more painful than taking one for the team. Beecher thinks that Keller would just snitch on him if he broke his legs. Keller's at a loss. Two words: Bend over. Oh, okay: Beecher says that there's one thing that will truly make him believe he's sorry. "Confess. Tell McManus that you and Vern and Metzger attacked me." Keller says Schillinger and Metzger will cut off his balls, which would certainly be a loss, and offers to confess without implicating them. That's not good enough for Beecher, so Keller frustratedly says he'll play it Beecher's way. He leaves.
Outside, Keller agitatedly tells Mineo to take him to McManus. Metzger observes this and cottons onto Keller's intentions. He goes to see Beecher and asks what's going on. At Beecher's smug "I dunno," Metzger grabs him and hauls him out of his cell. In a darkened hallway, Metzger asks again. He gets his answer in the form of Beecher slashing him with his fingernails several times, finally finishing with the throat, Drusilla-style. Blood pours from Metzger's neck as he tries to use his walkie-talkie, but he can't speak, and he falls, dead. Good, meet riddance.
Diane goes to retrieve Schillinger, telling him that Glynn and McManus want to see him. She tells him about Keller's confession, like, nice to give him time to work out an alibi in his head, honey. Shouldn't that be part of C.O. training or something, or do they just assume common sense? Schillinger doesn't believe that Keller ratted him out, which is tantamount to admitting his guilt, but Diane says he did. Schillinger says that if he really did, he's dead, like, nice thing to say to a hack, but she informs him that Keller's in protective custody. And now that we've wrapped up another scene that was entirely for the audience's benefit, let's move on to...
...Hill telling us that truth is a powerful thing. Montage of Keller in protective custody, Schillinger getting put in the Hole, Metzger lying in a pool of blood, and Beecher clipping his bloody fingernails into the toilet. "It can right a wrong, or make a bad thing worse. But in Oz, the truth is, if the facts don't fit the truth, fuck the facts." Thank you for making the last monologue I recap not suck. Really.
Mineo calls lights out, presumably as the new Head Hack in Em City. The lights go out, and I am done. It's been fun, everyone. Now that I've been released, I think I'll go to a town called Everwood -- someone told me it was pretty once. And if I'm dead, I can hang out with Sue Ellen Mishkie. Later.