We open with a close-up shot of Hill's mouth. It says, "Escape." I wish I could. He defines the word, and then tells us "there are all kinds of ways to get the fuck out of Oz." Really? They use different types of body bags?
Rebadow is keeping watch when the lights come on. He hurries Busmalis out of the hole, and replaces the tiles as Busmalis covers up his dirty clothes with a bathrobe. I'm not quite sure how he can get the tiles to stay in place over a man-sized aperture, but there are a lot bigger holes in this episode. Pun intended. And unfortunate. Shots of prisoners leaving their pods for morning count, including an entirely gratuitous one of Ryan with no shirt on. Keep it up, Fontana. McManus announces that because of his enormously misplaced and offensive combination of egomania and guilt, he booted Diane over to Unit B. Or he might have said she transferred there, and I filled in the blanks for you. I try. He says that replacing her as Head Hack is Karl Metzger, a fortyish towhead whom I don't recall seeing before. Metzger says that he's tough, fair, and strongly in favor of affirmative action. (One of those things was not like the other.) He says he doesn't take any shit, but he doesn't intend to give any either. Hilarious shot of Adebisi putting on deodorant. I thought he stank? Maybe Schibetta just had a sensitive nose. It wouldn't be the only sensitive part of him, after all. Metzger's done, so count is called.
Mack, swastika tattoo anviliciously displayed, looks around for something. The Depends Duo enters, and we quickly learn that we're in their pod, and Mack and some goon friend of his are looking for the tunnel. After Mack manhandles Busmalis a bit, Rebadow shows them where the tunnel is, and if they couldn't find it in a pod that small, I don't exactly trust them to find their way out, but those of you who have seen this episode know that that's not going to be an issue. Mack and his friend cackle gleefully, and Mack asks Busmalis how far along they are. Busmalis says that in one more day, they'll be past the prison wall. Dear Aggie: If you just said you needed another week, you could have gotten away with no problem. Just something to think about while you're occupying yourself not having sex with your wife. Love, Couch Baron. P.S. You are a giant dumbass, and that hat really has to go. Mack says that when they go, he and his goon are going with them. Rebadow points out that they'll be locked in their pod, so Mack says they'll switch pods, or he'll tell the hacks about the hole. Rebadow, so quickly that he must have a plan, agrees as long as Mack can arrange the exchange. Busmalis takes exception for a second, but everyone present and in possession of an SAG card tells him to shut up, so he does. When Mack and his Daddy are gone, Busmalis says, "I can't let those Nazis go through Lizzie. It'd be like they were raping her." And when I tell you that this is the most disturbing moment in an episode that features a man suffering a more knife-intensive version of what happened to King Lear, not to mention another incident in which the gym floor played the part of the True Cross, I think you'll agree that the best thing to do is never to speak of it again. Rebadow sagely says that they have to accept the hand they're dealt, and since they're going to lose the tunnel either way, they should let it go and start another one in the pod. You know, I think in another hundred years, Rebadow will look exactly like Yoda.
Mack approaches Metzger, pulls up his shirt to reveal some Stonecutters-esque tattoo (like Metzger wouldn't know who his people are. Give me a fucking break, here) and says he needs an "ask." Metzger nods. Cut to the locker room, where Metzger, prominently sporting the same tattoo on his back, casually asks McManus if he can switch around Mack/Daddy and the Depends Duo. McManus readily agrees. Metzger asks if he wants a reason. McManus: "I trust you." Tim McManus: Worst. Judgment. Ever. Copy his football pool picks and choose all the opposite teams -- you'll be rich in no time. Later, Mack/Daddy move in as the Depends Duo leave. Busmalis, amicably and yet unbelievably toolishly, tells them, "Take care of her." Mack gives the only right answer to that statement: "Fuck you." Nice that we got to see eye-to-eye at least once before he died. Spoiler! Also, "eye to eye." That one's going to come back to haunt me.
Night. Mack sardonically waves goodbye to the Depends Duo. Busmalis asks how Rebadow can be so calm. Rebadow: "What would you have me do?" Talk like a half-normal person? Mack Daddy enters the tunnel. Ah, the blissful, dialogue-free tunnel. Damn, we're back to the Depends pod. Busmalis says they should have told Mack Daddy something unspecified, and Rebadow says no. Busmalis: "We should have warned them we weakened all the support beams. We should have warned them that the tunnel will collapse on top of them." At first, I thought Busmalis was feeling guilty, which bugged me, because what he said seemed ridiculous. I mean, either weaken them or don't, but don't tell them about it. On second viewing, however, I think he was gloating. However, it would have been much more dramatically satisfying for the tunnel collapse to be a surprise, and then to see them gloat, so the scene still ended up bugging the shit out of me. I'm going to need some more shirtless Ryan to make up for this. ANYWAY, after some more blissfully dialogue-free tunnel shots, Daddy accidentally kicks out a support beam, and they nervously take a break. Prisoner flashback. In a cemetery, Mack spray-paints a swastika on a headstone and then kicks it over. A black caretaker accosts him, but Mack, urged on by a bunch of goons who are there with him, wrestles the shovel out of the caretaker's hands and impales him with it. "Prisoner Number 96M542. Mark Mack." Murder two, vandalism, hate crimes. Seventy years, parole in forty. Cut from the caretaker's bloody corpse back to the tunnel, where, ahead of Mack Daddy, the tunnel starts to collapse. Mack Daddy tries to back up, but to no avail, and darkness consumes them. Ffins. That's the opposite of "sniff," by the way.
The morning, Metzger impotently chews out the Em City prisoner population. Everyone looks bored. I'd love the smart-ass who said, "Aw, did someone wose his wittle Nazi fwiends?" Apparently, no one's a big enough smart-ass to risk time in the Hole. Too bad Keller's not around. Or Demian.
McManus's office. McManus notes that the hole out of which Mack Daddy tried to make their exit was in the Depends Duo's old pod. Rebadow says that Busmalis dug it. Busmalis is all, "Rebadow!" with a delivery more appropriate to Rebadow having told McManus that Busmalis wears women's underwear to bed. Rebadow clarifies that Busmalis only did so (dug the tunnel, not cross-dressed) under orders from Mack, and that Mack threatened to kill Busmalis if he didn't comply. Busmalis is all, who in the wha-- er, yes, he did, and again, this is such lazy writing, like in that whole night they spent together when Mack Daddy were gulping lungfuls of dirt, Rebadow couldn't have, say, CLUED BUSMALIS IN TO HIS PLAN, which would have protected both of them, not to mention spared us this Abb-not and Costello routine? I'm going to need some shirtless Alvarez as well as shirtless Ryan now. Preferably together. Metzger points out that if that story is true, they should have come to the hacks, but Rebadow glibly says that Busmalis was terrified, and that he tried to warn Mack of the potential danger, but Mack wouldn't listen. Busmalis annoyingly parrots everything Rebadow says. God, shut up. Metzger still wants to discipline them, but McManus overrules him and sends them on their way. Outside, Alvarez and another orderly wheel Mack and Daddy's corpses by. Busmalis dorkily doffs his hat, and the two of them smile lovingly at each other, just as I smile lovingly at a bottle of Jack Daniel's, which is the only thing that's going to get me through this recap. I think I'm turning into Regina.
Morgue. Mack and Daddy are laid out on gurneys, naked except for towels covering their nether regions, and each wearing more powder on his face than was used in all of Farewell My Concubine. Hill's in there, so apparently he changed work details since the pilot, and then Poet enters. He tells Hill that the morgue is his new work assignment. "McManus's revenge on me for screwing up outside." As I said in my last recap, if McManus wanted to punish him, I don't know why the hell he allowed him to return to Em City at all. Hill asks what happened on the outside. Poet says that he spent all the money he got for the book on crack, and when it ran out, the dealers came after him. Okay, I know the timeline in Oz is screwier than Paul Lynde on Quaaludes, but Poet left Oz in the middle of the fifth episode and was back by the seventh, and we know that only a week passed between episodes six and seven, so it doesn't seem like he could have been outside for more than a few weeks. My point? The math adds up to either a very stingy publisher, an awful lot of crack in a very short time, or me having yet another pull from the whiskey bottle. Or, most likely of all, all three. Poet says it was self-defense as we see the flashback we saw last week, only this time, Poet fires his gun more than once. In fact, according to Hill, he shot the guy six times. Poet: "I had to make sure the nigger was dead." And you also had to make sure you got sent back to Oz. Guess which crime is more serious in my eyes? Poet asks what they're supposed to do, and Hill tells him that when the mortician gets back from lunch, they'll basically just hand him things, like embalming fluid and cosmetics. Poet's surprised that they would use cosmetics, and I know this was before the days of Six Feet Under, but I think, given his history, he would have been to his share of funerals, if you take my meaning. Poet starts poking at Mack's corpse for no clear reason as he says he won't wear makeup. Hill counters that when you're dead, you don't have much choice, as he examines a coffin. The sweet release of death isn't sounding too terrible at the moment, to be honest.
In the main area, Hill tells Poet that something unspecified will work. Wangler asks what, and Poet sits down and tells him that Hill's got a plan to escape from Oz: When a prisoner dies in Oz, his body is sent to the funeral home in a box for burial, so time someone dies, he'll smuggle himself out in the corpse's place. Coushaine, nosier than the oldest dowager at a church Bingo game, points out that the coffins are airtight, and that he'd asphyxiate. Hill thinks some "subtle little holes" would take care of that. Another issue: the coffin will be sealed. Hill says he'll get some of his friends on the outside to come to the funeral home and bust him out. Also, what will he do with the body? Hill: "How hard is it to hide a couple bodies up in Oz?" Silence. Hee. Coushaine thinks Hill is on to something, but Poet doesn't look convinced, and Wangler thinks he should stick with the plan of mailing himself out. Hill claims he was "bullshitting" with that plan. I certainly hope so. McManus happens by and glares at Poet, who gets up and leaves. I hope those two work things out, so they can get off my damn screen already.
Sippel paces in a glass cage as, behind him, a projection of Hill tells us that everyone wants out of prison, but once they get out, some find it difficult, and if I wanted to revisit every single plot point in The Shawshank Redemption, I'd watch it, because it's way, way better than this shit.
Establishing shot of a thunderstorm, and then a drenched Sippel enters Oz. The guard who, if I recall correctly, gets fired for drinking on the job later in the series calls someone with the news that Sippel is there, and then asks if Sippel met any cute boys on the outside. "Any boys with the first name 'Dick'?" And we meet another member of the Oz Hack Comedy Troupe. Laugh at their jokes and honor the two-drink minimum, or they'll club you in the knee.
Cut to Pete walking with Sippel. She notes that he looks exhausted, and he admits that he's had a tough few days. "Registering as a convicted pervert was more difficult than I thought." I can't imagine that he thought it would be a joyride, but what he means is he had to go down to the courthouse and stand in line with people who wanted fishing licenses and learner's permits and various other non-child-molesting things, and when he got up to the counter and explained his business, the clerk loudly snapped, "Perverts fill out these!" Yeah, Oz is in New York, all right. But shouldn't he at least have an address before he registers? He also confesses that the job hunt has been fruitless, and that he's been sleeping on the subway. So Mukada's pull with the Cardinal only goes so far. Pete says she'll do whatever she can to help, and Sippel explains that that's why he's there: He wants her to ask Glynn if he can sleep in Oz.
Cut to Pete doing exactly that, saying it would just be until he finds a place to live. Glynn agrees, although he'll have to stay in Unit B, and he'll be "at risk." Did Poet spread his crack to these characters here? Aside from the fact that I don't think Glynn would have the authority to spend taxpayer money housing someone who's not in the system, the potential lawsuit exposure when (er, I mean "if"!) something untoward happens to Sippel would be prohibitive. Also, it appeared that he was in protective custody during his jail time (and it makes sense that he would have been, because pedophiles are loathed even among prisoners, as the coming Schillinger incident illustrates, yet he survived in Oz for ten years), so why not put him back in there? Can we please come up with a plotline that doesn't resemble the surface of the moon? Lord. Pete's task is to find Sippel a job, but Mukada, who's lurking in the doorway, says that he's got a discretionary fund from the diocese, and that Sippel can be his assistant. So why doesn't Sippel drag a cot into Mukada's office and sleep there? That couldn't be any worse than the subway, right? What horseshit this is.
Mukada shows Sippel into his office, and claims that he's been in need of an assistant, as he's not very organized. Sippel notes that Mukada is "still" uncomfortable around him, since it's been TWO DAYS since he got out. Mukada is spared from the awkwardness of having to answer by the ringing of his phone, which Sippel answers with a "Chaplain's Office." After a brief conversation, he hangs up and informs Mukada that a patient in the hospital is on the bank of the river Jordan, and would like the Anointing. Mukada gets a box off the shelf and moves toward the door, but Sippel takes the box from him and says, "If I'm really here to help you, Father, then let me help you," because Mukada couldn't handle carrying a two-pound box by himself, I suppose. Mukada hesitantly smiles the smile of I've Just Realized That Child Molesters Are People Too, and they go off together.
Cut to Mukada and Sippel performing the ritual together on the old patient as Gloria watches. Another cut to Mukada coming out to the visitor's entrance, where a twentysomething man thanks Mukada for seeing him. The man, whom we quickly deduce was the boy that Sippel molested, says that between the pervert law and Sippel's release, a lot of old feelings have stirred again in him recently. Mukada says he told Sippel that the Altar Boy Toy was coming, and that he's willing to speak with him. ABT says he's never been to prison before, and Mukada assures him that a hack will be with him the whole time. ABT, darkly: "Yeah? To protect me, or him?" Mukada's face falls as he wonders if ABT didn't get the whole "Perverts Are People Too" memo, even though Sippel managed to disgust him well and good without the whole taking-advantage-of-him-at-fourteen issue. God, this episode. ABT recovers nicely, saying he has no intention of harming Sippel, and indeed, he's not sure why he's there, but he hasn't seen Sippel since the incident happened. "Ten years is a long time to carry this shit inside." Beat. "Sorry to say 'shit' in front of a priest." Mukada doesn't point out that he's heard much, much worse, but instead notes that "sometimes 'shit' is the only word that fits." Meta commentary on the shooting script thus far? Cut to the cafeteria, where the meeting takes place. The two regard each other warily and wordlessly. Scene. No, I'm not kidding. What the fucking hell? Thanks for the undramatic non-resolution there, Fontana. Where's my drink?
Schillinger walks into Sippel's cell and asks how he can live with himself. Sippel returns the question, but Schillinger says that what he's done, he's done for righteous reasons. Yeah, I'll just bet you whooped and yelled, "That's one righteous ass you've got there, Beecher!" And if he's so upset about Sippel fondling a fourteen-year-old, I'd ask him to consider if raping a man with the mental competence of a five-year-old isn't really a lot worse in the grand scheme of things. What bullshit. He pulls Sippel up by the lapels and says he should be dead. Diane appears and tells Schillinger to back off, which he reluctantly does. Sippel thanks her, but she retorts that she's just doing her job, and that for once she agrees with "that Nazi fuck." Again, I know what he did was terrible, but I really don't get everyone's moral posturing in this episode. Character-wise, I can believe Schillinger's labyrinthine rationalizations, but Diane? You killed a man and got away with it, and I agreed with your reasons, but you are hardly in a position to judge here. Boo, Diane.
Mailroom. Schillinger asks Metzger for some "rec time" with Sippel. Isn't Sippel only supposed to be there at night?
Gym. Bright sunlight pours in. Metzger watches as Schillinger and several other Aryans unceremoniously and quite literally nail a screaming Sippel to the floor, crucifix-style without the crucifix. The Aryans leave, but Sippel's still alive. In fact, he looks around like, "Nice prank, guys, but can you take the nails out now? Guys?"
Gloria examines Shirley in her cell. Shirley tells her not to be nervous. Gloria denies that she is, but Shirley says she seems nervous, and adds that it's clear Gloria doesn't touch many women. I have to say that if I wrote fanfic, this would be a pretty good jumping-off point. Shirley gets a few sarcastic barbs in, and then asks if she's well enough to die. Gloria seethes that if she's in fact nervous, it's because she doesn't understand how a mother could kill her own child. Shirley contends that it was an accident, which just further proves to me that she did in fact know that Diane killed Scott Ross. Gloria calls for the guard (he wasn't there the whole time?) and bites out, "The time I see you, Shirley? I'll be standing over a gurney, about to poke you with a lethal injection." Shirley has no response to that, and Gloria leaves. Once she's gone, Kirk appears and places something on the door. Shirley thanks him, and he walks off with a Butt-head-like "Girls rule!" expression on his face. She goes to the mirror, and we see that Kirk brought her a tube of lipstick, which she applies to her lips. Given how morbid this show can be, he probably got it from the morgue. Ew.
Hill: "What's the opposite of escape?" Recapping? He's being projected again, but this time it's Alvarez in the cage, who looks beside himself. Hill says that it's being sucked deeper and deeper into a place. Cut to the main area, where El Cid is sitting with his feet up, along with Alvarez and Guerra. Rivera comes up and tells El Cid to drop the feet, pronto. He doesn't comply. Rivera has some Hefty bags under his eyes. I'm guessing I know someone who can do something about that. Metzger appears and asks what the problem is, and Rivera says that El Cid's got attitude. Metzger calmly and politely asks El Cid to put his feet down, and with another look at Rivera, El Cid complies. The two stare at each other until Metzger leads Rivera away. Once they're gone, El Cid notes that Rivera is still in possession of his eyes. Alvarez says he's just waiting for the right moment, prompting Guerra to make clucking sounds at him. Hee. Clucking = comedy gold, people. Alvarez and Guerra get in each other's faces until El Cid, in no uncertain terms, tells Alvarez to do the job today. Alvarez leaves. El Cid, you're hella intimidating, but you could be even more so if you lost the Caesar look. I'm just saying.
Staff room. Oh, God, I'd better brace myself. With another drink. We learn that Sippel's alive, but they don't know who crucified him. So if Sippel survived, ostensibly he'd reveal his attackers as soon as he was able, and Schillinger could conceivably be sent to solitary for life if they could prove his story, yes? Never. Mentioned. Again. McManus opines that a hack was involved, which could be important later, but this moment of clarity is interrupted by a sudden wailing from outside the room. The noise gets louder, and McManus opens the door to find a screaming Rivera, who's holding his hands over his bloody eyes. Pete and Mukada back up as Glynn and McManus get Rivera to the floor. When they manage to get his hands off his eyes, we see that he's been stabbed in both eyes, and I have to say, the make-up artists outdid themselves here. At least, so it seemed to me from the one time I could bring myself to watch it. Everyone recoils in horror, and McManus yells for help.
Cut to the SORT team getting their uniforms on for a lockdown. In Em City, Metzger calls the lockdown as the team moves in. Rivera gets wheeled into the hospital wing, still screaming. A too-calm-if-you-ask-me Gloria examines him. Back in Em City, McManus reports to Glynn that "he" isn't in Em City. And here's the big problem I have with this plotline: How did they know it was Alvarez? It seems like the only way they could is if Rivera saw him, which you would think Alvarez would have taken pains not to happen. After all, the beauty of blinding his victim is that he could sneak up, do the deed, and run off without the victim being able to see him, right? On the other hand, if Alvarez knew in advance he was likely to get caught, why would he go through with it at all? I mean, it's not like El Cid said he would kill him if he didn't, and even if he had, I would think that threat would be preferable to permanent solitary confinement, or worse, having the hacks torture and kill you. Anyway, Glynn calls for a search of the whole prison, and we see Diane calling lockdown in Unit B as well.
Glynn barges into the hospital wing and asks how Rivera's doing. Gloria tells him that he's sedated, but his eyes are gone, and also, he's going to need a blood transfusion. Glynn's all, do it, but she informs him that Rivera's blood type is AB negative, and the blood bank is out of that particular currency. Ah, the AB-negative television plotline. There's a reason it's a classic. I don't know what it is, but there's definitely a reason. She says she's cross-checking the staff medical records to see if anyone at Oz has it. Glynn stares at Rivera with not a little anguish.
Mukada returns to his office. Appearing from behind the door, Alvarez, a fair amount of blood on him, wrestles him to a chair and holds the surgical knife to his throat. Boy, I hate being reminded that my favorite characters are, you know, violent criminals. It makes prospects of a relationship slightly less appealing.
Gloria has an "oh, shit" moment, and Glynn asks her what's wrong. She says no one on the staff has AB negative blood, so she checked the prisoners, and one in fact does. Who? "Ryan O'Reily." McManus goes to get him as Gloria and Glynn ponder the cruel hand of Font-- er, "fate."
Ryan, to McManus: "Fuck you." I knew I loved him for a reason. McManus is all, a man's life is at stake; Ryan's all, fuck you squared. Ryan cuts to the chase: I'll give you my blood in exchange for you letting Cyril get out of the Hole and room with me in Em City. McManus doesn't even pretend like he's not going to do it, as elsewhere, Timmy Kirk sheds a tiny, tiny tear. Hey, I would too if I couldn't see Ryan naked any more.
Mukada's office, where Alvarez has tied him to a chair. Mukada tries to get him to turn himself in, but Alvarez thinks the hacks will kill him if he does. Mukada says he won't let them, but Alvarez screams, "The fuck are you gonna do, you gonna fucking hold up a crucifix?" Hee. That might actually work.
Ryan's brought into the infirmary. Gloria, without much affect, tells him to lie down. He regards her warily yet hopefully. She sticks the needle in his arm. I hope that's not the one labelled "Shirley."
A hack tosses Cyril, who's standing with his hands over his naughty bits, his clothes. Cyril, who's looking pretty traumatized, looks down at them, then looks back up, which inexplicably made me giggle.
Mukada's Office Of Massive Meltdowns. Alvarez recites the story of how his grandfather spent twenty years in solitary for killing the guy who cut out his father's tongue. He cries that he won't be able to handle it. Again, I would be so much happier with this plotline if he just mentioned that he tried to arrange it so no one would know he committed the crime, but failed, rather than seem like he knew he'd get caught, as it just makes no sense for him to have done it in that case. That doesn't mean that Kirk Acevedo didn't act his cute little ass off in this scene, though. Anyway, eventually, Alvarez decides that there's only one way out for him, and puts the knife to his throat. If you look carefully, you can see a figure pass outside the door window, so poor blocking there. Mukada screams, "Miguel, NO!" as seeing Rivera earlier filled his daily quota of witnessing horrifically violent acts involving surgical knives. Before Alvarez can go through with it, the SORT team busts in and subdues him. Mukada pleads with them not to hurt him as they drag him off. They take him to solitary, engaging in a little beating along the way, but not near as much as I expected or, frankly, as much as was warranted. They toss him into the cell -- which is bigger than my sophomore year college dorm room, by the way -- and leave him to freak out in peace, if that's not an oxymoron. His cries echo down the empty hallway.
Lockdown ends, and in their pod, El Cid notes to Guerra that Alvarez must have been found. He lisps that Alvarez will go to solitary, and he feels bad, because he was wrong about Alvarez -- he did have balls. Below them, Cyril, who may or may not have balls based on that last scene, wanders into Em City.
Infirmary. Ryan tells Gloria that he has to talk to her. She regards him coldly. "What? What could you possibly have to say to me? 'I'm sorry'?" Yeah, it looks like that was what he was going to try. McManus appears and asks how Rivera is, and Gloria tells him they'll know more in a few hours before disappearing. McManus reports to Ryan that Cyril has been moved to Em City. He turns to go, but Ryan calls him back and starts, "I fucked up a lot of people's lives," with which McManus agrees. Ryan confesses that Cyril got slow because of him. They were at a funeral, and there was a girl there he used to date. Cut to a flashback, in which Ryan pulls down the girl's top and bra to reveal a pair of ample breasts. He sucks away as, in the present, he says that the girl had a new boyfriend, a wise guy. Hmm -- does this have anything to do with why Ortolani shot Ryan? I guess we'll never know, but it's an interesting possibility. Back at the funeral, a cocky-looking Cyril pays his respects to the young corpse when he hears panting sounds. Ryan and the girl are still going hot and tasteless when they're discovered, ostensibly by the boyfriend. Ryan shoves him away, and he and Cyril start to fight their way out. Dean Winters, by the way, is wearing a wig that looks like it was stolen from the Graceland museum, and as King-like as Ryan can be, I have to say it's not really working for him. After a brief melee, one of the Italians picks up a heavy wooden stand and brains Cyril with it. Back in the hospital, Ryan says that when he found out that Cyril had brain damage, it crushed him, so he got wasted, and we're back in his prisoner flashback. Interesting that of all the crimes Ryan must have committed, he only got caught when he was out of his mind with grief. That seems completely in character. Plus, being out of his mind with grief also apparently caused him to get a haircut, so it wasn't all bad. (I'm giving the writers credit enough not to call the hair change a continuity error. Why I'm being so generous, I have no idea.) He goes on that everything he's done since he got to Oz was to protect himself so he could make parole, until his feelings for Gloria resulted in him losing control again. His voice starts to break as he says that now Cyril will be in Oz for sixty years, and Schillinger raped him, so he has to stay with Cyril and protect him. "For once in my fuckin' life, I'm gonna be his big brother." Aw. McManus asks if he had Cyril kill Gloria's husband. Ryan: "Yes." McManus tells him he'll be brought up on charges. Ryan: "It's what I deserve." McManus walks away to reveal that Gloria has been listening the whole time. She shakes her head bitterly and reproachfully. Later, Ryan returns to his pod and hugs Cyril joyfully. Not much snark to see here.
Gloria is working in her office when McManus stops in and asks how she is. She says that she cleaned out her husband's closet that morning and boxed up his things. In one morning? And I figured Preston was a WASP -- they save everything. Proving my point, she says Preston had seven unmatched cuff links in his drawer. McManus asks her if she wants to have dinner, not like a date, and to his credit, he does seem genuine. However, Gloria turns him down, and he turns to go, but stops because he has to ask her something about Ryan. "Do you think he really loves you?" Gloria unhesitatingly says yes. "No one will ever love me as much as Ryan O'Reily. And I have to live with that fact every day for the rest of my life." Gloria, sorry about your husband and all, but boo. Fucking. Hoo. McManus leaves.
Projecto-Hill tells us that you can escape from Oz through drugs and alcohol. It shouldn't surprise you, then, to learn that it's Beecher's turn in the glass cage. He tries to take a drink of liquor, but his bottle's empty. I snicker as I slurp whiskey through a straw.
Flashback to the Beecher/Keller kiss, and then Keller gets out of the Hole. In a nice touch, Alvarez is still screaming. Beecher's lying around like a drunken slob when he sees Keller walking back into Em City. Beecher gets up excitedly, and when Keller enters, puts his hands on Keller's shoulders and asks for a kiss. Keller looks down all, "And you're touching me because...?" and observes that Beecher's drunk. Beecher's all, duh, and suggests that they consummate their relationship, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, judging from the THUNK of jaws hitting floors at the prospect. Keller's in George W. mode, however, as he disappoints a nation, saying that not only is he not interested in dancing the horizontal mambo with Beecher, he doesn't even want to be in the same room as him. He walks out, and Beecher trails after him like a pathetic lovesick puppy. He tries to touch Keller again, who jerks away. Beecher apologizes for whatever he did, but Keller tells him that he did some thinking in the Hole, and he decided that the two of them are due on the now o'clock train to Splitsville. Beecher, in a panic, tells Keller that he can stop drinking, and grabs his arm again. Keller looks down again, and then shoves Beecher across the room, much to the delight of various onlookers. Keller walks into the shower as Beecher leaves, crying. Everyone laughs at him except for Ryan and Cyril. And as upset as Beecher is, he's going to learn soon that there's always a much lower place to go. Unless you're Brad Kern. Later, Keller plays a board game as Beecher watches forlornly. Beecher buys more liquor from Guerra, who openly laughs at him. Harsh. In their pod, Keller gets into bed as Beecher undresses miserably. Keller looks at him impassively before turning over, and Beecher climbs into bed for a nice cry.
Library. Keller and Schillinger meet up and congratulate themselves on the success of their plan. Schillinger opines that Beecher is on the ledge, and Keller suggests they push him off. Lovely.
Metzger tells Beecher that he looks like "warmed-over shit." I guess he saw Schillinger last year, then. Beecher says it's been a rough couple of days, and Metzger tells him a workout will do him good. Beecher, don't go to the gym alone! You were around when Keane got set up! He doesn't listen, and when he enters, he sees his worst nightmare: Keller and Schillinger, the latter of whom gives him a jaunty wave and smile. Beecher screams as he realizes the full extent of the betrayal, and charges Keller, but Metzger pulls him back into a headlock. Keller rubs exposition into Beecher's wounds as he explains that he did time with Schillinger elsewhere, and Schillinger saved his seventeen-year-old ass from someone who wanted him to be his prag. I feel compelled to point out that if Keller was doing hard (hee) time at seventeen, he must have been a bad, bad boy indeed. Keller kisses Schillinger on the cheek, and Schillinger, by the way, hasn't for a second lost that shit-eating grin. Hee. "Shit-eating grin" -- how ironically appropriate. Keller delivers the coup de grace by telling Beecher he never loved him, and then has Metzger let Beecher go. Beecher rams Keller in the midriff, knocking him down, but Keller efficiently wraps his legs around Beecher's neck, and before you know it, he's broken Beecher's right wrist. The left one soon meets the same fate. Insert your own "breaking up is hard to do" joke here. Now it's Schillinger's turn, as Metzger holds one of Beecher's feet in place. With a yell, Schillinger brings a shitkicker down on Beecher's ankle, breaking it. Boy, Schillinger, you're having yourself one hell of a righteous episode, aren't you?
And, since the scene is over, it's time for me to expose yet another plot hole, which I partially touched on before: Two heinous attacks happened on Metzger's watch, and both involved Schillinger and both victims were left alive. So you'd think, when the victims were able, they'd reveal what happened, right? I certainly can't think of a reason for either Sippel or Beecher to protect Metzger or Schillinger. Now, without Keller testifying against him (and yes, I know that's just what happens in the episode), I don't think Schillinger could be punished, but at least he'd be interrogated, and in Metzger's case, he'd be fired, or at the very least demoted. These things should be mentioned in this episode. You know, Tom, I keep telling you what it's going to take for me to stop pointing out these glaring omissions, and yet all you've given me is a quivering Cyril with his hands over his privates. That doesn't exactly, uh, measure up.
In the main area, we get our typical gossipy aftermath, as Coushaine exposits that Schillinger treated both Beecher's ankles equally. Said seethes to Arif that Schillinger did this, and I hope Beecher realizes what a prick he was to Said last episode. Ryan, too, is outraged. McManus storms up and asks what happened, and Metzger faux-sincerely says he doesn't know, but he'll find out. Given how angry he was at Mack Daddy's death, he's totally tipping his hand here. The shock is that it looks like McManus might actually be picking up on that. Amazing. Cut to Beecher, casts on his arms and legs. He's seething, but that could be because he hasn't shaved his stupid beard and now he can't scratch. Serves him right. In the Pod of Pernicious Plots, Keller puts his arms on Toby's bed and looks like he actually misses him. Well, nothing says "I'm sorry" like a sponge bath and a blowjob. And yeah, you probably don't want to know what says "I love you" in Oz.
In a hallway, McManus asks Glynn what he knows about Metzger. Glynn's answer: Nothing, basically. Well, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to tell us that, Leo. Sheesh. I hope you at least make your own coffee in the mornings. Later, McManus is looking out the window of his office when Metzger passes by and gives him the fakest of fake smiles. You'd think McManus would be used to that, but maybe most people flip him the bird instead. I know I do. And now that they've established that McManus is onto Metzger, I will be ten times as annoyed if they drop it without explanation.
Hill tells us that you can escape Oz through your soul, as we see Adebisi in the cage. Good one, Fontana. thing you know you'll be telling us that Poet can escape through his brains. Or that Rick Fox can escape through his acting.
Wangler enters his pod and tells Adebisi that Nappa got hold of their drugs. Their henchman from the cafeteria opines that they have to take care of Nappa, and Adebisi says they will. Wangler impatiently asks when, saying that Adebisi has done nothing but lie around for the past two days, even missing his shifts in the kitchen. Adebisi hops down from the top bunk, gives Wangler his patented once-over, and asks, "Are you giving me orders, Kenny?" Hee. Someone needs to be put in his place. And that place would be on his knees. Cut to the library, where Adebisi enters to find Slipcover Guy reading. Slipcover Guy, by the way, has some small seashells in front of him, which we saw briefly in the last episode, but I didn't bother to recap it because I didn't think I'd see them again. Or maybe it was just that I didn't want to see them again. Actually, I didn't want to see this subplot again at all, but Fontana obviously wrote this episode specifically to annoy me, so maybe I can take the seashell thing as a twisted shout-out and get on with this already. Adebisi asks if he can see the future, and Slipcover Guy says he foresaw that they would meet. Flash to Slipcover Guy performing some sort of ritual over a boy who appears very sick, in the presence of a distraught woman and several other onlookers. There's a knock at the door, and a man in the room opens it, but Slipcover Guy freaks, yells at them, and closes the door, whereupon he resumes the ritual. Cut to Slipcover Guy in the glass cage. "Prisoner Number 98J604. Kipekemie Jara." Criminally negligent homicide. Twenty years, parole in eight. Back in the library, Jara tells Adebisi that he thinks he was sent to Oz for him, to tell him that if he doesn't give up the drugs and the violence, he'll die. Adebisi points out that that's inevitable anyway, but Jara, upon learning that Adebisi has been in America for fifteen years, says that he's lost his sense of home. Adebisi is all, thanks, but I don't want to identify with a home whose people don't protect what they have. Jara's all, whatever, because when you die, your soul returns to its birthplace, and you must embrace it to find peace. He hands Adebisi a hat of his very own. Adebisi puts it on, and Jara, you got gypped, because this hat looks good.
Pete's office. She tells a new-hat-wearing Adebisi that his urine test came back clean. Adebisi's like, woman, didn't I tell you so? Pete notes that he actually looks happy, and Adebisi says that she was right that he was using drugs to escape from himself. Pete smiles and leans back like, "They set 'em up, and I knock 'em down." Seriously, Pete? I like you and all, but don't act like that bit of wisdom couldn't have been found on a Bazooka wrapper. You are no Toni Pavone, nor are you Dr. Melfi. Adebisi says that for the first time since he's come to Oz, he's found family. I rape you! You rape me! Ooh, sorry. That one's not fit for the kids. Although I have wished some ungodly things on that purple dinosaur.
Ryan and Wangler pedeconference about the fact that Nappa is saying that he controls the drug trade now. Wangler isn't impressed, but Ryan opines that Wangler can't trust Adebisi at the moment. I'd be annoyed at Ryan for turning on his boyfriend, but right at that moment they see Adebisi staring wide-eyed at unseen things and talking to himself, so I can't really blame him. That's going to be me soon, though. Did I mention that this episode is 67 minutes of airtime? When Wangler leaves, Cyril tells Ryan that what he said was bad. Ryan: "In Oz? Bad is good." In that case, Ryan, you and Keller should be altar boys. Just stay away from Sippel.
Shirtless Ryan! It's late in the game here, Tom, but you still might make it out with a decent grade. Yes, I'm that shallow. Ryan shaves in between Nappa and Pancamo. He says that Adebisi and crew are starting to crack. Ah, a late return by Mickey O'Velli! A very happy development indeed. Nappa mentions the Jara factor, which Ryan already knows about. Pancamo slips Ryan some drugs, and Ryan tells Nappa he doesn't use anymore, but only sells. Nappa and Pancamo leave, but on the way out, Nappa tells Pancamo that he wants Jara dead. I don't understand why he wants to kill the man who's taken Adebisi out of the equation, but I'm aware enough of future developments to know that this misjudgment will be severely punished, so with a last look at Ryan's shirtless upper body, I'll let it go.
Gym. Wangler and his crew are playing hoops when Nappa and Pancamo come to see them. Nappa says that since it's the season finale, Adebisi has gone Loonier than a Tune, so with him out of the game, he proposes that they work together. Wangler tries to stick up for Adebisi, but when Nappa reminds them that he's got all the drugs and they've got squat, Wangler does the remedial math he's capable of and agrees. They shake hands, but Nappa's like, oh, I almost forgot, I have a little job for you. Since when do Mafiosos subcontract murder? I thought that violated professional pride.
Jara lumbers around the kitchen as Wangler complains to Adebisi that the old man is slowing them down. Adebisi easily tells him to shut up, and then goes to get something from the supply closet. Wangler takes the opportunity to unceremoniously stab Jara in the back. Little prick. Adebisi returns and looks on in horror. He runs to the old man's side after he's fallen, and it's just possible that Adebisi doesn't realize what's happened and thinks he's having a heart attack or something, although the fact that no one moved to help him is a sign to the contrary. Jara moans that he's going home, and that he'll see Adebisi there. His hand opens, the shells fall to the ground, and he dies. Farewell, Slipcover Guy. May your headgear be higher quality in whatever existence awaits you . Actually, I found that little bit surprisingly moving. I guess I thought the guy had some mystical powers or something, so to find out he was just a frail old man was a little sad. Adebisi leans his head on Jara's chest, but perks up when he hears drums and African music. The music gets louder, and Adebisi rises to his feet, looks skyward, strips down to his underwear, and starts rocking out just as Nappa and Pancamo enter. It's just like a rave, except for the disapproving Italians. Eventually, the hacks come and drag Adebisi away. Okay, so it's like a rave that ends very badly. I guess the disapproving Italians were an omen.
McManus chews Wangler out, asking how he could not know what happened to Jara. Wangler says that Adebisi has been detoxing and acting crazy, "and then he goes and stabs that sweet old man." Well, that statement wasn't quite as fake as Metzger's smile, but it was pretty damn close. Wangler looks up at Glynn and McManus like, "Are you guys buying this?" Ass.
Adebisi gets put into the psych ward, right to Peter Schibetta. There's a glory hole joke there, but really, I'm sure you guys already thought of it. Pete shakes her head and thinks, "Maybe a refresher course in psych would be a good idea for me." Amen, sister.
Another way to escape from Oz? Clemency. Said's in the cage.
Said's taking a piss in his pod when Arif pokes his head in and says the phone's ready for him. Said grabs a copy of his book and leaves, without washing his hands. Ew. I'm sure Allah would frown on that. Downstairs, Said reports for a radio interview. I'm sure Glynn's going to love that! It'll be just like an episode of Gomer Pyle when he yells, "Sa-ID!"
Council Of The Convicted. Coushaine suggests implementing a no-swearing rule. All the other prisoners let him know exactly what they think of that idea in no uncertain terms. HBO: We don't give a shit about no fucking censors, and don't you forget it, you asshole. McManus dismisses the meeting, but asks Said to stay after class. Ooh, someone's in trouble! Actually, McManus says that Poet's refused to talk to him since he got back to Em City. Well, it's not like I'm a big fan of Poet, but when you look at someone like he sat on your pet hamster, it's not exactly conversation-inspiring. McManus asks if Said has talked to Poet, but Said says that, appropriately enough, given his new job, Poet is dead to him. McManus is all, does not compute, and asks where Said's never-give-up attitude is. Said sarcastically notes that that's a good question, and reminisces that when he got arrested, he thought it was a good thing, as he could come to Oz and help his brothers -- "And you haven't," McManus finishes. McManus says that sometimes he feels the same way, and I don't know whether to point out that comparing someone to you isn't exactly going to cheer him up, unless by "cheer up" you mean "drive to suicide without passing Go," or simply to scream indignantly, "SOMETIMES?" Oh, look, I did both. Said, however, simply says that he knows McManus feels that way too, but the difference is, he can go home every night. I'm not sure going home to leftover pizza boxes, laundry that's been overflowing for weeks, and an answering machine that might as well never have been taken out of the box is much less depressing than life in Oz. However, Said's point is that he'll be in Oz for another seventeen years, and he's been thinking a lot about what else he could have done with that time, such as have a family. McManus says he can when he gets out, but Said doesn't think he'll have much to offer a wife or child after twenty years in prison. McManus thinks he does have one thing: "Your faith. I thought your faith sustained you." Said: "It does. Most of the time." He leaves. Best scene of the episode, and again, as much as I hate McManus, I think Terry Kinney does a very capable job when given lines that don't make him sound like the biggest tool in the hardware aisle.
Metzger (see? He's still here, and in charge!) announces the names of four prisoners who need to report to Glynn's office, among them Said and Arif. Said enters to find Pete, Mukada, and Glynn waiting for him. Pete tells him that every year, the Governor grants clemency to two prisoners; one for Passover, and one for Ramadan. Said says he knows all about it, as he pushed for the program in the first place. The others inform him that the Pernicious Peewee asked specifically that the Oz staff consider recommending Said as their Muslim candidate. Said thinks there must be strings attached, but he's assured that's not the case. Glynn: "The only question is, if the Governor offers clemency, will you take it?" Said says yes, and these are the times I wish I had watched the series in order, because I admit that the ending would have surprised me.
Cafeteria. Said tells his group that they must be happy for whichever one of them is chosen. Arif is all Gripy McSulk: "Especially if it's you." He apologizes, but says he has children, and if there's one way to get my goat, it's to play the "I have children" card. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, squalling brats or no. Later, after dark, Said prays. Arif opens his eyes to look at him for a moment, but then closes them again. The day, in the cafeteria, Arif gets into a scuffle with one of the other Muslims, which Said breaks up. McManus gets involved, then leads Said away and tells him that he's the one Devlin picked (out of the final Muslim candidates from all the prisons, I expect). Said's face is a perfect conflict of emotions. McManus says that Ramadan starts Thursday, whenever that is, and that Devlin will be holding a press conference. He goes on that he should congratulate Said, but that the whole thing doesn't sit right with him. You know, McManus makes every situation so all about him that I've finally figured out with whom he should get together: Phoebe Halliwell. The two of them would be so self-involved that they'd probably never get around to reproducing, and I think I can safely say that in that case, everyone would be a winner.
ANY-way. Press conference. Devlin speechifies about Ramadan, and how he's happy to bestow clemency on a prisoner. He says that Said has been an outspoken critic of his administration, but an outstanding member of the prison population, and I think even the general public would know that Said was THE RINGLEADER OF THE RIOT, so this is an extra-large crock of shit, but at least it's setting up a rousing finale. Said, dressed in a rather smart suit, shakes Devlin's hand as he breathes, "Finally we meet, face to face." Uh, Devlin? When someone intones that sentence with that kind of menace, you might want to duck and cover. Just a thought. A reporter asks Said how he feels, and he says he's joyless. I'm pretty sure that's beyond the social etiquette of this situation, like telling someone who's asked how you are about your latest hemorrhoid flare-up. And by the way, can you legally refuse a pardon? Do you really have any say in it? Said goes on that his brothers remain behind, oppressed, and not just the Muslims. Devlin's face screams, "PLEASE tell me this isn't a live feed." All of Em City watches as Said says that freedom is a meal he's being served, "and I am Muslim, and Allah does not allow me to swallow certain things. Allah does not allow me to take scraps from the hands of a man such as this. A man who is corrupt and immoral." He builds for the finish as he says that Devlin gave an order that killed eight people, and I'm glad he remembers the riot, even if no one else does. "And so, Governor Devlin, because even the cost of freedom can be too high, I REFUSE. YOUR. PARDON!" GOOOOOOOAL! The Em City reaction is mostly jubilant, although some of them sit in stunned silence. Devlin spits, "Cocksucker." Sorry, PP, but you lost that one in a unanimous decision. Stick to the flyweight bouts. And although I think Said's decision was kind of dumb, it was at least in character -- he needed to be faced with a real and important choice as a way of renewing his faith, I think. Said is returned to Em City to receive an embrace from Arif, a warm handshake from Hill, and a lot of chanting of his name. As he walks on, he and McManus exchange a grin, and out of respect for their scene earlier, I won't tell you that McManus again looks like a tool, even though you and I both know the truth.
Hill tells us that everyone wants to escape from Oz, but the truth is, there is no escape. "Better to stay put, face reality, deal with what you got, and make the best of it. The measure of a man is not where he lives but how. How he makes the best of it."
Why did I just quote that? Because, completely contradicting what he just said, we see Hill getting into a coffin in the morgue and closing it. His wheelchair is nowhere to be seen. Let us never speak of it again -- I know the writers don't. Uch. Worst episode of the series up to this point. By far.