Losing Your Appeal

Guest starring Christopher Meloni. Who's that?

Okay, before I start recapping the action, I suppose I'm going to have to give you my position on Keller. Do I think he's hot? Yes. Does he reduce me to tee-heeing and sighing like a schoolgirl, like a couple other cast members I could mention do? Not so much. The man can sell smoldering looks, for sure, and it's not like I wouldn't have him around to my place for a lovely evening of, er, stimulating conversation, but I'm not saying his name in my sleep or writing "C.B. and C.K." in my Trapper Keeper. Just so you know. If y'all want to take out a banner ad burning a cyber-effigy of me, I'll understand. On the other hand, I haven't seen the rest of Season Two or any of Season Three yet, so it's possible I'll still come around. Anyway.

Our first image is a red rose. We fade back to see Hill sitting at a dinner table, an image of a young boy and girl smiling and facing each other projected on the wall behind him. He tells us that the Bible isn't the greatest story ever told, but rather "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl." Hill, considering that you wield the spoken word with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball, you'll forgive me if I view your assessment with a bit of skepticism, I'm sure. He babbles about that moment when "every corpuscle in your dick is percolating [sic]," and I know this show likes to trample on the boundaries of good taste, but framing this comment with a picture of two five-year-old kids is really a bit much. Hill adds that not everyone has the same impulses, as we cut to Hanlon. He enters his pod to find Mack and two of his goons. Mack demands a blowjob. It's just too bad Cindy Brady hasn't shown up yet. Also, as we soon see, this pod is in full view of the main area. I mean, Mack, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You might get him to suck your dick, but I sure don't think he'd want everyone to witness it. Anyway, Hanlon refuses and slugs Mack. The goons grab him, but Diane taps on the window and asks if there's a problem. Uh, two guys are physically restraining Hanlon in his own pod. I know money's tight for you, Diane, so here's a quarter. Buy a clue. She leaves, and Mack punches Hanlon in the stomach. Unless Mack's wearing brass knuckles, Hanlon seriously overacts the resulting pain. Mack informs him, apropos of absolutely nothing, that he and Schillinger killed Vogel, and threatens him with the same fate. Wouldn't Hanlon know about Vogel already, considering that the reason they killed him was to send a message to everyone that the Aryans were back? Mack: "Now suck my fucking dick!" You know, I have a feeling Fontana doesn't care for Hanlon's character very much, because if I were trying to flatter someone, I wouldn't pick having a troll like Mack demanding a blowjob to be the defining moment that triggers his prisoner flashback. But I'm probably reading too much into it.

"Prisoner Number 98H462. Richard Hanlon." We see a jovial-looking Hanlon to a schoolyard, handing some drugs to a nondescript twenty-something guy. The guy promptly overdoses. We don't see whether Hanlon sticks around, but I assume the guy survived, because wouldn't there be some sort of manslaughter charge if he died? I must add, however, that in the still shot they show us, the guy looks very, very dead. Possession and distribution of controlled substances, eight years, parole in five. Sometime later, Hanlon goes upstairs. I'm confused, because earlier it seemed like his pod was on the ground floor. I think the geography of Oz is as inconsistent as that of Casa Summers. Some jerkwad is waiting on the balcony, and swaggeringly asks Hanlon if he'll service him . Dude, Mack had two goons to help him, and you look like you're about a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet. Hanlon may be gay, but he's not exactly small. Making my point for me, Hanlon shoves the guy, and he falls over the balcony to his death. Interesting symmetry that this happened in the first Keller episode. Unlike Keller's death, however, which had some ambiguity, this one was clearly an accident -- Hanlon actually tries to grab the guy as he goes over, but fails. Everyone in the main area looks over, and Pancamo makes a "pffft" face that's positively priceless. Hanlon looks chagrined. The body count's really gone up lately, huh? Sign of things to come, I suppose.

In McManus's office, Hanlon tries to tell McManus what happened, but McManus simply tells him he'll be charged with murder. I know there's probably nothing he can do about the charge, but McManus could be a little nicer here, I think. Considering how eager he is to believe the most transparent lies from a lot of the other prisoners, he could give Hanlon the benefit of some doubt. On the other hand, it gives me a reason to hate him again. I think I'll just wrap that feeling around myself like a nice cozy blanket. Hanlon asks what kind of deal he can get if he sings like a canary. McManus is all, that depends on your information, and COULD YOU BE A BIGGER TOOL? Whoa, sorry. It's about 95 degrees in London right now. Hanlon says he knows who killed Vogel, and asks for a lesser charge. McManus says it'll depend on whether the information sticks, and Hanlon, before you give the Aryans a reason to dismember you, maybe you should talk to, I don't know, A LAWYER? After all, a lawyer would presumably tell him that they'd need someone else to come forward to be able to prosecute Schillinger and Mack. Oy.

Glynn interrogates Schillinger, and tries to get him to confess by saying Mack ratted him out, but shockingly, Schillinger doesn't fall for it. Really, does that ever work? He goes on that he would never give Glynn the satisfaction of hearing him confess. Hee. He's basically admitting he did it and taunting Glynn with that knowledge. I am so glad Eevil Schillinger is back.