Guest starring Christopher Meloni. Who's that?
Okay, before I start recapping the action, I suppose I'm going to have to give you my position on Keller. Do I think he's hot? Yes. Does he reduce me to tee-heeing and sighing like a schoolgirl, like a couple other cast members I could mention do? Not so much. The man can sell smoldering looks, for sure, and it's not like I wouldn't have him around to my place for a lovely evening of, er, stimulating conversation, but I'm not saying his name in my sleep or writing "C.B. and C.K." in my Trapper Keeper. Just so you know. If y'all want to take out a banner ad burning a cyber-effigy of me, I'll understand. On the other hand, I haven't seen the rest of Season Two or any of Season Three yet, so it's possible I'll still come around. Anyway.
Our first image is a red rose. We fade back to see Hill sitting at a dinner table, an image of a young boy and girl smiling and facing each other projected on the wall behind him. He tells us that the Bible isn't the greatest story ever told, but rather "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl." Hill, considering that you wield the spoken word with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball, you'll forgive me if I view your assessment with a bit of skepticism, I'm sure. He babbles about that moment when "every corpuscle in your dick is percolating [sic]," and I know this show likes to trample on the boundaries of good taste, but framing this comment with a picture of two five-year-old kids is really a bit much. Hill adds that not everyone has the same impulses, as we cut to Hanlon. He enters his pod to find Mack and two of his goons. Mack demands a blowjob. It's just too bad Cindy Brady hasn't shown up yet. Also, as we soon see, this pod is in full view of the main area. I mean, Mack, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You might get him to suck your dick, but I sure don't think he'd want everyone to witness it. Anyway, Hanlon refuses and slugs Mack. The goons grab him, but Diane taps on the window and asks if there's a problem. Uh, two guys are physically restraining Hanlon in his own pod. I know money's tight for you, Diane, so here's a quarter. Buy a clue. She leaves, and Mack punches Hanlon in the stomach. Unless Mack's wearing brass knuckles, Hanlon seriously overacts the resulting pain. Mack informs him, apropos of absolutely nothing, that he and Schillinger killed Vogel, and threatens him with the same fate. Wouldn't Hanlon know about Vogel already, considering that the reason they killed him was to send a message to everyone that the Aryans were back? Mack: "Now suck my fucking dick!" You know, I have a feeling Fontana doesn't care for Hanlon's character very much, because if I were trying to flatter someone, I wouldn't pick having a troll like Mack demanding a blowjob to be the defining moment that triggers his prisoner flashback. But I'm probably reading too much into it.
"Prisoner Number 98H462. Richard Hanlon." We see a jovial-looking Hanlon to a schoolyard, handing some drugs to a nondescript twenty-something guy. The guy promptly overdoses. We don't see whether Hanlon sticks around, but I assume the guy survived, because wouldn't there be some sort of manslaughter charge if he died? I must add, however, that in the still shot they show us, the guy looks very, very dead. Possession and distribution of controlled substances, eight years, parole in five. Sometime later, Hanlon goes upstairs. I'm confused, because earlier it seemed like his pod was on the ground floor. I think the geography of Oz is as inconsistent as that of Casa Summers. Some jerkwad is waiting on the balcony, and swaggeringly asks Hanlon if he'll service him . Dude, Mack had two goons to help him, and you look like you're about a hundred and twenty pounds soaking wet. Hanlon may be gay, but he's not exactly small. Making my point for me, Hanlon shoves the guy, and he falls over the balcony to his death. Interesting symmetry that this happened in the first Keller episode. Unlike Keller's death, however, which had some ambiguity, this one was clearly an accident -- Hanlon actually tries to grab the guy as he goes over, but fails. Everyone in the main area looks over, and Pancamo makes a "pffft" face that's positively priceless. Hanlon looks chagrined. The body count's really gone up lately, huh? Sign of things to come, I suppose.
In McManus's office, Hanlon tries to tell McManus what happened, but McManus simply tells him he'll be charged with murder. I know there's probably nothing he can do about the charge, but McManus could be a little nicer here, I think. Considering how eager he is to believe the most transparent lies from a lot of the other prisoners, he could give Hanlon the benefit of some doubt. On the other hand, it gives me a reason to hate him again. I think I'll just wrap that feeling around myself like a nice cozy blanket. Hanlon asks what kind of deal he can get if he sings like a canary. McManus is all, that depends on your information, and COULD YOU BE A BIGGER TOOL? Whoa, sorry. It's about 95 degrees in London right now. Hanlon says he knows who killed Vogel, and asks for a lesser charge. McManus says it'll depend on whether the information sticks, and Hanlon, before you give the Aryans a reason to dismember you, maybe you should talk to, I don't know, A LAWYER? After all, a lawyer would presumably tell him that they'd need someone else to come forward to be able to prosecute Schillinger and Mack. Oy.
Glynn interrogates Schillinger, and tries to get him to confess by saying Mack ratted him out, but shockingly, Schillinger doesn't fall for it. Really, does that ever work? He goes on that he would never give Glynn the satisfaction of hearing him confess. Hee. He's basically admitting he did it and taunting Glynn with that knowledge. I am so glad Eevil Schillinger is back.
A hack whom I don't recall seeing prior to this enters the Hole, and informs Hanlon that "some friends" of his are upset about his squealing, and will be taking steps to ensure that he never does so again. Hanlon puts his head in his hands. However, Way-Too-Convenient-To-This-Subplot Hack tells him that if he confesses to Vogel's murder, the Aryans will spare him. Hanlon tells him to tell Glynn he'd like to see him. What was the point of this character? No, really?
Glynn and Schillinger pass each other in the hallway. A smirk-a-thon ensues.
Hill's taking a shower when Said comes to talk to him. How come no one ever comes to see Ryan in the shower? Said tells him it's almost time for the hearing, and Hill speculates that soon, he'll be getting out of Oz. Dude, a roach motel has a higher exit rate. He goes on that by that evening, he could be with his wife, drinking a beer and watching the Yankees. While I love both beer and Yankee baseball, I think something else might be my first priority if I were in Hill's shoes, you know?
Hearing. A no-nonsense older female judge is presiding. She calls on Said, who briefly goes over what we already knew -- that the judge in question (and I can't figure out if he's named Kimbler or Kibbler, but I'm going with Kibbler because it's close to "kibble," which is a funny word, so accuracy be damned) took bribes in certain murder cases, and since he didn't in Hill's case, he may have been biased in the way he ran the trial. Cut to the state representative, who I am getting a total Hey, It's That Guy! vibe from, telling the judge that Said has to prove the actuality, not the possibility, of bias. If you take the time to notice, Said smirks and then looks at the guy disbelievingly at different points in the speech. They go back and forth in this vein for a while, with Said claiming that Hill was denied his fundamental right to a fair trial, which makes me wonder about something. Instead of releasing him or not releasing him, couldn't the trial be thrown out and a new one conducted? I'm not sure of the legality, but it does seem like a more logical solution than just letting him out. He did kill a cop, after all, which the HITG takes pains to emphasize. He goes on that there is no precedent for the court making such a ruling as Said is asking for, and that to do so would go beyond the scope of the court's powers. No-Nonsense Judge instructs Said to call his first witness, and Hill is sworn in.
Later, in the main area, Hill wheels up his chair to join the other members of the "other" Em City group. They ask how it's going, and Hill expresses how nervous he is, along with the first doubt he's shown in Said's abilities. I think Said's doing an okay job, but getting Hill's hopes up so high was just grossly irresponsible. You don't promise the kid a pony if there's a good chance you can't deliver. Said arrives and urgently tells Hill that they need to find a "smoking gun," in the form of someone who was asked to give a bribe, didn't, and was sentenced unfairly. Rebadow and Beecher point out that even if such a person exists, finding him would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Said: "Quickest way to find a needle? Burn the haystack." He walks off, and Hill takes over my job momentarily as he asks, "What the fuck does that mean?"
Said does some research online. He takes a printout into Hill's pod, saying that it's a list of all the murderers convicted by Kibbler, and they just need to find the right one to prove bias. Hill points out that they're short on time, and they should have thought of this a week earlier. Said is dumbstruck that anyone could suggest he might have dropped the ball. Well, that's how I took it. Later, Said asks Glynn for more fax privileges. Glynn: "No." He says that if Said wins this case, he'll be appealing the cases of everyone in the prison. Well, not the Aryans', I'm guessing. Glynn brings up that whole "Hill shot a cop" point again, and Said again looks dumbstruck. Dude, it's true. As his lawyer, you'd think you might have a handle on that point. Said grandstands that whether he wins or loses the case, he'll never stop helping others fight for freedom. Well, there's a load off my mind. Glynn's face is what you'd see in the dictionary to the word "whatever."
Said returns to Hill and confesses his failure. He says he'll get his publisher to contact the lawyers of the people on the list, but Hill, having realized that he's completely fucked, petulantly says they don't have time. Said says that if they lose, he'll appeal, as the judge is overruling his objections because of racism. Hill: "Oh. It couldn't be because most of your objections are stupid!" Slap fight! Slap fight! Said asks Hill if he wants Beecher to take over their "cause," to which Hill screams, "Our cause? This is not our cause; this is my fucking life! I am not you, man; I don't want to be a martyr or a fucking saint! All I want to do is get out of here and be free. Either you can do that, or you leave me the fuck alone!" He does whatever the wheelchair equivalent of "storm off" is, while Said is left to think, "Are you there, Allah? It's me, Kareem."
Hearing, parte deux. Said and Hill look like the couple that just broke up and have to sit together at their best friend's wedding. No-Nonsense Judge asks if anyone has anything to say before she gives her ruling. Said does. Gee, what were the chances? Said informs the judge that his investigation has been hampered by the small matter of his incarceration, and she duly notes that. Is there any expression more dismissive than "duly noted"? I just love it. Said adds that while they may never know what Kibbler thought about Hill, they have a pretty clear idea of what he thinks about justice, and that is a nice point. If he's not going to shut up, I prefer him to make sense. Anyway the judge's ruling boils down to this: While the state's argument that the court can't overturn the conviction because there's no precedent for it is complete and utter horseshit, she won't be doing so, as she's exhaustively reviewed the transcripts of Hill's trial, and in her opinion Kibbler acted within the normal bounds of judicial procedure without exception, and gave a sentence consistent with the severity of the crime. Hill's face: "Yeah, I knew this was coming, but wow, it still sucks."
Back in Oz, Said continues to try to get Hill's hopes up, but Hill informs him that the hope is the problem, and that he can't handle getting his hopes crushed again. Said emotionally tells him that hope is all they have. Hill: "No. All I have is Oz." Well, that and your stupid monologues. Nice scene, though.
Classroom. McManus enters as Poet reads one of his poems. Wangler looks like he'd rather be hanging from his thumbs than hearing this, and for once we are in agreement. He finally blurts, "Yo, faggot, are you done with your faggotry yet?" Yeah, his IQ's soaring. Poet unsurprisingly takes offense to that, but they get broken up before any violence can occur. McManus informs Wangler that the time he starts a fight, he'll be heading for Gen Pop. The class leaves, and Coushaine complains to McManus about Wangler's negative attitude. McManus dishes about the pressure that Adebisi is putting on Wangler, like I know your level of gossip would put most yentas to shame, but should you really be so chatty with a prisoner? The conversation turns to Poet, with Coushaine opining that he has talent. Feh. McManus gives Coushaine a tape recorder and tells him to record five or six of Poet's poems, and what's with the stealth here? Is he going to play the tape backwards to see if Poet's a devil worshipper? Actually, I'd think that just from hearing the tape played forwards.
McManus beckons Said into his office. He invites Said to sit, which of course he doesn't. McManus tells him that he finished his book. Said: "I suppose you want my autograph." Hee. McManus gets to the point: he wants Said to show his publisher Poet's poems. Timbo, remember last week when I took your side, saying that Said shouldn't expect anything from you after he treated you like shit? Well, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be able to make the same point to you now. Said agrees, recalling that when he first came to Oz, McManus told him that his "celebrity status" wouldn't get him any special treatment, and while I don't think that was exactly McManus's message there, the point is taken, as McManus is now ready to exploit that status. McManus whines that it's about Poet, but Said calls him out, saying that if Poet's poems are published, it'll garner attention for his education program, which will make him look like a hero. McManus, you might want to go unlisted, because Said sure has your number. McManus: "Could we just put aside all the bullshit between us for once?" I am speechless. Said raises a finger and intones, "Once." Thank you.
Poet goes under the stairs to try to score some drugs off Adebisi and Wangler, but he's got no money, so they tell him to get lost. Adebisi sniffs some drugs using a condom. Hee.
Said finds Poet in the cafeteria line, and tells him that his publisher is interested in Poet's work. He invites Poet to sit with him. Poet does, but then Wangler beans him in the head with a crushed milk carton or something. I guess he's acting his reading comprehension level. Said tells Poet not to react, and that he has a responsibility to explore his gift, and for the love of God, can we get to Keller already? Said tells Poet to trust him. Later, Poet interrupts the Muslims' prayers to tell Said that he is indeed going to be published. McManus is there as well, and toolishly offers his congratulations. Poet shows them a check from the publishers. Later, Poet buys drugs from Adebisi. So not only was he allowed to keep the check, but the prison negotiated it for him? My face is matching Glynn's earlier one. When Adebisi finds out how Poet got the money, he wants Poet to teach him to write, and editors everywhere cringe at the thought of Poet instructing in that particular discipline. Anyway, I'm hoping that Adebisi will forget the idea once the drugs wear off.
In the main area, Adebisi and Poet, returning from the laundry room, walk and laugh and basically let everyone know that they're higher than Courtney Love in her appearance on The Osbournes. There's a shot of Hanlon sitting with the bikers, which seems like a gaffe, because wouldn't he have been transferred out of Em City by now? Said sees where Poet has spent his poetry money, and looks none too pleased. Sorry, pal, but my vision's about twenty over a billion, and I saw that one coming a mile away. We get a shot of Adebisi's ass, in case you're interested. Said comes into Poet's pod and announces, "I have seen Adebisi destroy others with his own self-destruction." Dude, you're harshing my buzz. Poet claims that they were just doing laundry. Said regards him piteously. Realizing that Said is sober and is therefore unlikely to believe him, Poet claims that he needs the drugs, because he has "demons crawling up [his] ass." The medicated pads work better for that, Poet. Said says he doesn't let his demons drag him down, even when they taunt him for being a crappy lawyer. I may have inferred part of that. Said goes on to basically give him a "buck up, little camper" speech about believing in himself and listening to his heart, and I'm forced to point out that I still haven't seen Keller, let alone Ryan, Alvarez, or Shirley. Tom, in words you'll understand, that shit ain't right. Said compares Poet to a phoenix. For the second time in this recap, I am speechless.
On Oz TV, a female reporter informs us that protests are being made outside the prison in aid of getting Poet a parole hearing. That's a development I would heartily support. Most people laugh, but Wangler looks disproportionately pissed off. Shut up, Wangler.
Back to My Dinner With Augustus. There's a different boy and girl projected behind him now, and they're kissing. Hill says that after "boy gets down with girl," they start to drive each other crazy.
Finally. Ryan lies in bed. He tells Gloria how nice it is to be away from Oz for a while. She exposits that his surgery was successful, and that the chemotherapy will do the rest. He asks what the chances of a relapse are. She tells him that 90 percent of men who have the surgery are alive after five years, and 63 percent after ten years. Not that that's what he asked, but whatever. She tells him he's otherwise healthy, and she thinks he'll be okay. They make goo-goo eyes at each other. Cut to Ryan at the sink. He runs his fingers through his hair, and discovers that it's falling out. He reaches for a razor. Aw, and I liked the hair, too. Plus, a disposable razor for all that? It would take me a half hour just to shave my face with one of those.
Em City. Rebadow tells Hill that Ryan is coming back that day, and that he heard Ryan had cancer. They look up, and are surprised to see Sinead O'Connor walking toward them. Oh, my bad -- it's Ryan. Well, he does have that girlish figure. Everyone stares at him like he's The Creature From The Black Lagoon, like they've never seen a shaved head. In Oz. Lord. Although if he was afraid of showing weakness, I'm not sure why he chose to make his return to Em City looking like a refugee. He could have waited a day or two before going bald. Anyway, Ryan makes it to his pod, kicks Kirk out, and spews in the toilet. Peas for lunch, I see.
Ryan tells Schibetta he wants to work in the kitchen again. He tells Ryan to forget it, and Pancamo calls him "Cancer Boy." They walk off like he just told the funniest joke in the world. Stick to facial expressions, Chuckie. Some skinhead asks Ryan if he's trying to look like his bunch. Ryan: "Yeah, I'm trying to be uglier." It's not working. Skinhead asks Ryan what's wrong with him, and that he heard it was cancer of the balls, and that the doctor cut them off. Ryan and Adebisi exchange a "long time no see, lover" look during this. Skinhead goes on that what he heard can't be true, as Ryan never had any balls to begin with. Ryan decks him. Mayhem ensues, and the hacks drag Ryan off, to...
...McManus's office. McManus threatens Ryan, who's sporting a nasty gash on his head, with the Hole. McManus, for once you've got my full attention. Ryan's all, bring it on, but unfortunately, McManus says that in his current condition, he might catch something and die, and as much of a gyp as that is, he's probably right. By the way, Gloria is there as well, looking concerned for her boyfriend. She puts her hand on one of his wrists (which are cuffed, by the way) and tells him that he's got six weeks of chemo left, and she and McManus decided it would be best if he spent them in the ward. That conversation probably went something like this:
Gloria: Tim, I know you and I went on like, one date, but I know you'll give me anything I want, and I get the vapors when I'm within 50 feet of Ryan O'Reily, so do you think you could leave him in the ward for several more weeks?
McManus: Certainly, Gloria. You're quite right that I can't deny a female staff member that I've dated anything. Well, except Officer Claire, but she'll be the exception that proves the rule. How about a kiss to seal the deal?
Gloria: You're disgusting.
McManus: I love it when you debase me.
Gloria takes Ryan back to the ward. They make googly eyes at each other again. Later, Ryan's looking through a Viewfinder when Gloria comes to see him. She stares at him so long that you can practically hear the director motioning frantically at Lauren Velez to speed it up, already. She asks how he's feeling, and he says that he's fine physically, but ever since he took that bus ride to his surgery, he's been thinking about all the things he can't do in prison. Gloria sits down on the bed and asks him for an example, and she resembles nothing more than a big floppy trout caught on the hook of Ryan's charms. Ryan tells her that he misses affection, and reminisces about the affection she showed him when he was lying on the surgeon's table. Gloria looks perplexed, probably because she can't figure out a way to close this deal without getting caught. Ryan eventually leans in and says he wants to touch her and kiss her. After a pause lengthy enough to allow plastic to biodegrade, she tells him, "Don't." She leaves...
...and enters the staff room. She gets some coffee and tries to collect herself, but Pete's voice cuts in from her side. Gloria jumpily greets her, and Pete asks what's wrong. Gloria babbles how in med school, they taught her that doctors don't show emotion, and they don't get involved with patients. Pete asks her which patient, and Gloria tells her. Pete: "Why him?" Uh, Pete? Time to get the bifocals checked, I think. Gloria says that he's handsome and charming, but Pete brings up his breast cancer, and Gloria admits that her mom, her aunt, and her sister had breast cancer, and that she knows what he's going through. I'm not denying that Gloria's feelings here are complex, but two things: One, I don't think what Ryan's going through here is particularly similar, particularly psychologically, to what a woman with breast cancer goes through, and I don't think it's particularly fair to imply that it is. And second, in my opinion, Gloria, the main reason you're attracted to him is that you think he's hotter than three-alarm chili, and while I'm with you there, let's be honest about it. Anyway, Pete counsels Gloria to do whatever she can to get rid of her feelings for Ryan, "because unless you do, you're gonna have trouble." No fool, that Sister Pete. Although she'll be in Gloria's shoes later in the series. And speaking of which, where the hell is Keller?
Gloria examines Ryan's chest. Yeah, that's taking Pete's advice to heart. He tells her to kiss him, but she resists. Ryan: "You know what I know, and you feel what I feel." It's the Ryan Mind Meld! I knew he had special powers. He grabs her head and plants one on her. Not cool, Ryan. I love your Machiavellian exploits, but physically forcing a woman is gross and beneath you. Gloria calls over an officer and tells him to take Ryan back to Em City. How are you going to explain that one to McManus, Gloria? Then again, who cares? Later, Ryan jerks off in bed. Covers on again, sadly. Hill sings. Why me?
And, to strip away any residual enjoyment I might have had from that scene, we cut to Rebadow taking a piss. Whether that last scene turned you on or not, I think it's safe to say that no one wanted to see this. Busmalis enters and says he has to pee too, and at least I know now that this scene can't get any worse. Rebadow slides a tile with his foot to check out Busmalis's progress with the tunnel, and asks if Busmalis if serious about his escape plan. Is this a backhanded assessment of Busmalis's progress? Anyway, the answer is obviously yes, and Rebadow says he can help, as he used to be an architect. He punctuates this by finally letting the liquid fly with a satisfied look on his face. Oh, Foley guys, what did I ever do to you? And is that wasn't bad enough, Busmalis looks on adoringly. I think I may call Aaron for a pep talk, because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
A hack enters Giles's cell and checks his restraints, then allows Sister Pete to enter. She greets him, and suggests they chat. All she gets from him is "Peter Peter Marie," "broom," "amor," and "sick," and this is all stuff he said last time, so can we move this on? She repeats the words back to him, and he freaks. Yeah, now you know how I feel. The hack rushes in, but Pete says it's okay, and succeeds in calming Giles down. She tells him they'll take it as slowly as he wants. Need I add that it better occur off-camera? Giles: "Street." Pete: "Street?" Giles: "Street." Pete: "Avenue?" Giles: "Street." Couch Baron: "Suicide." And, scene. It's way too late for that.
Cut to a council meeting. Coushaine asks why they can't start the meetings with a prayer. Sorry, but I think "Heavenly Father, bless me and keep me and prevent any strange dicks from entering my ass" is best uttered in private. Adebisi puts one of his hats on Ryan's head. I told you he missed his loverboy. Coushaine asks Said for support. Said blathers that prayer is meaningless unless it comes from a place of true belief. Alvarez: "Hey, enough of this shit!" There's a reason he's my boy. Schibetta says he's got a problem: "Certain guys stink." He keeps his eyes on Adebisi as he says that bathing should be mandatory. Someone else said Adebisi's name, so I don't think Petey's making this up, although he could just be trying to make his future Adebisi experience as sanitary as possible. Adebisi lazily tells Schibetta to soap him up. They keep at each other until McManus adjourns the meeting. Well, that was productive.
Schibetta's playing solitaire in his pod when Pancamo brings Alvarez in. Schibetta invites him to sit, but Alvarez declines, and it's clear from the beginning that Alvarez isn't exactly long on respect for little Petey. Schibetta offers Alvarez the chance to combine their drug trades, and this is the first I've heard of Alvarez using his job in the hospital to peddle pharmaceuticals, but -- fine. Alvarez wants to know why Schibetta is being so generous. Schibetta says that there's one other teeny thing: He wants Adebisi dead. Boy, he must really smell bad. Alvarez says no. Schibetta says that no one will suspect Alvarez, but Alvarez calls bullshit, and says that what Schibetta really wants is to get the blacks and the Latinos to go to war. "No offense, but drop fucking dead." How far does "no offense" go, anyway? Can you get away with saying, "No offense, but you've got the looks of a crustacean and the intelligence of lint"? Because if so, I may have to try that. Anyway, Alvarez leaves with -- wait for it -- a smirk.
Cafeteria line. Adebisi, dancing to the music on his headphones, offers Alvarez a chance to go into business with him. Alvarez laughs and tells Adebisi he knows what he wants. "You know the rules. We don't whack wiseguys in here." Adebisi says he has no balls. Alvarez's eyes narrow, but he walks off. A bandana-wearing Guerra (who's wearing a Gen Pop uniform, which explains why we haven't see him before) tells Alvarez he can't let Adebisi disrespect him like that, but Alvarez tells him to be cool, that they're simply going to sit back and watch the blacks and the Sicilians go to war.
Lights out. Schibetta, Alvarez, and a still-dancing Adebisi all stand in their underwear by their respective doors and watch each other. Alvarez: "C'mon, boys. Be all that you can be." Yeah, it's homoerotic.
Hill tells us there are variations on the old story, and that in Oz, there's "boy meets boy." Please, Hill -- they have that story in the TWoP Personals now.
As if they knew from the beginning how big a sensation this prisoner was going to be, we go straight into his prisoner flashback. He exits a convenience store holding a guy as a human shield. The Asian proprietor follows with a shotgun, but the prisoner, who's wearing a motorcycle helmet so you can't see his face, shoots him. We see him get on his bike sans human shield, and if you look all the way to the left of the screen, it looks like he left the guy alive. Kawasaki gets a prominent product placement as the prisoner speeds off. A cop soon gets on his tail, and eventually, the prisoner flips over his handlebars and rolls to a stop facedown. The cop, joined by another, approaches the prisoner with his gun drawn. They flip him over, and we see Meloni's face. "Prisoner Number 98K514. Christopher Keller." Felony murder, two counts attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, robbery, DWI, reckless driving. Eighty-eight years, parole in fifty. Nasty piece of work, wouldn't you think? By the way, I can hear you blushing from here.
Diane enters the Beecher/Hill pod and tells Hill to grab his stuff, as he's moving to another pod. She explains that McManus wants to mix things up and not allow podmates to get attached to each other. I am sure this is the only time we'll ever hear of this policy, but how else were they supposed to get Keller and Beecher together? Although making the paraplegic move seems kind of cold. Beecher asks who's moving in, and she says it's a new guy. Yeah, keep fanning yourselves. Cut to Diane taking Beecher to the entrance. The first we see from Keller is a big old yawn, which seems fitting, considering his typical bored-looking expression. Diane introduces them, and Keller, who's got a soft cast on his right wrist, fixes Beecher with a smoldering look. Okay, I'm fanning myself too, but it is 95 degrees here.
Beecher and Keller enter The Pod Of Betrayal And Love. Keller's first question is if Beecher's a "fag." Beecher says no, and turns the question around. Keller: "I do what I have to." Yeah, I'll just bet you do. Beecher babbles what sound like some song lyrics, in that "look at me, me so crazy" way he's been working for far too long now. Keller looks all, "Why do I always get the nutjobs?"
Keller tries to enter the phone area, but Mack tells him it'll cost him ten bucks to get in. Keller thinks about that for about five seconds, then asks, "Oh yeah?" Mack starts to say, "Yeah," but he doesn't get that far before Keller smashes him in the face with his cast. Keller must have liked Muhammed Ali as a kid, because he's certainly got that "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" thing down. Beecher rushes out and grabs another guy before he can attack Keller from behind. Diane breaks it up, and escorts Mack to the hospital wing. Keller tells Beecher, "I owe you." He does not channel Willow and add "pain," although he might as well have. Beecher says he only did it because he hates "those Aryan fucks." Hey, some great romances started out of hate. Like this one, for example.
Beecher goes in to see McManus. McManus informs him that he met No-Nonsense Judge, who, as it happens, was the judge that presided over Beecher's trial. We learn, during a diatribe in which Beecher refers to the judge as a "cunt" a number of times, that she gave him the toughest sentence possible. McManus informs Beecher that she'd like to see him. Beecher calls her a cunt about ten more times as he refuses. McManus says he's forcing him to, because "I think it'll be therapeutic. Ultimately you'll thank me." There aren't too many things that can take my mind off the fact that I'm slowly melting in this weather, but my McManus hate sure can. What a fucking dick. Beecher leans forward and breathes, "You know what? You're a cunt, too." Toby, lose the beard and you'll win Best Character Of The Episode.
No-Nonsense Judge enters Glynn's office, where a handcuffed Beecher is waiting. She thanks him for seeing her. Beecher: "Well, you know, it's a nice break from getting fucked up the ass." Okay, forget the beard. You win. The judge isn't fazed, and gets down to business: She tells Beecher that she's been a judge for sixteen years, and in that time only one decision she's made on the bench has ever haunted her: the one involving him. She goes on that she always prided herself on being fair, on administering justice blindly, but in his case, the fact that he killed a little girl, was a member of the bar, had had a prior arrest for drunk driving, and the utter senselessness of the crime conspired to make her quick-tempered and spiteful. Beecher looks like this speech is getting to him in spite of himself. She admits that she may not have given him a fair trial, and that she now thinks the punishment she meted out exceeded the crime. Just as a sidebar here, if she was so obviously biased, shouldn't Beecher have appealed? I'm no lawyer, but in my understanding, appeals are designed to correct errors of law, and if she misapplied the law, wouldn't he have had grounds? Anyway, she starts to stammer an apology, but Beecher laughs sardonically and notes that she used all her judicial power to crush him, but in the end, he did kill a little girl, and he doesn't know whether the punishment is fair or unfair. He rants that the man he was no longer exists, and that he can't forgive her, no more than the girl he killed can forgive him. He stands and turns to McManus, and snarks, "Yeah, this was very therapeutic, thanks." Which just goes to show that even when you're telling off your mortal enemy, there's always time to insult old Timbo. Beecher leaves, and No-Nonsense Judge breathes, "I'm sorry."
Beecher has a nightmare involving No-Nonsense Judge and Kathy Rockwell (the girl he killed) and eventually flashes back to the accident, only this time when his younger self looks at the windshield, it's his present self lying on it. Beecher wakes up with a yell, which, uh, arouses Keller as well. Keller tries to touch Beecher comfortingly, but Beecher swats him away, calling him a "fucking faggot." That's no way to talk to your future boyfriend, Toby. Oh, by the way, Keller's shirtless here. Yeah.
And if you liked that, the shot is a naked Keller in the shower. Yeah, I'm thinking they knew what they were doing with this character from Day One. Beecher joins Keller in the shower. Not like that. Well, not yet, anyway. Beecher apologizes for calling Keller a faggot, which is interesting timing, considering that Keller is clearly checking him out. Keller easily tells him to forget it, and reiterates that he owes Beecher. He goes on that they should stick together, as they're not part of any of the main groups in Oz. Keller says that they're out there with their "dicks swinging in the wind," and by this time he's moved so close that, were that literally true, they'd be butting heads, if you take my meaning. Keller says they should trust each other. Beecher says it's hard for him to trust anyone, and Keller says it is for him too, but they should see what happens. Beecher agrees. Beecher, run while you still can! And I mean that quite literally!
Keller's lifting weights, shirtless, when Schillinger and Mack enter the gym. Mack rushes at Keller, saying he broke his nose, but Schillinger sends him off. When he's out of earshot, Schillinger asks, "So how goes Operation Toby?" Keller: "It'll take some time. But don't worry, sooner or later, Beecher'll be mine." Keller goes back to his lifting. I say this in all seriousness: DUN DUN DUN!
Hill asks what makes us want to fuck somebody. Cut to Shirley, who sees Kirk mopping outside her cell. She gets to her feet, and lifts her hospital-type uniform up to reveal her nether regions. I think you're barking up the wrong tree here, Shirley. Plus, you'll be getting plenty of action soon enough. Oh, Hill jabbers a bunch more stuff, but this recap is long enough as it is. He does end by saying that most times, the illusion is better than reality.
And we leave with what's probably the most disturbing prisoner flashback ever. We see a little girl in the back seat of a car, and the camera pans right to show Shirley at the wheel. She steps on the accelerator, and drives her car into a lake. As the car starts to sink, we see Shirley swimming to shore. The car goes under, and by the way, the girl was strapped into a car seat, so she had absolutely no chance. Ugh. And that's it.