Couch Baron
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Guest starring: Scott William Winters. Wehw, awen't we wucky.
Confetti falls as Hill, wearing a party hat with "Happy New Year" printed on it, speed-freaks that the end of the millennium is coming, and that there will be a lot of lists of who the greatest people of the past thousand years were. He tells us that he won't be on that list, and I update my own list of "Things I So Already Knew." In Oz, Alvarez finishes up a phone call in Spanish, then jauntily strides out and tells Rebadow he has some information for him about Glynn. Why Rebadow is a logical person for him to tell is absolutely beyond me, but Contrivance answers to no recapper. Rebadow says he knows that Glynn's daughter was brutally raped and beaten, but Alvarez way-too-happily tells him that he knows who did it, as he just spoke to him on the phone. He walks away, but dramatic music tells us he was overheard by some random guy.
Cut to said random guy, whose name is Hanlon, coming into Mukada's office. Mukada asks what's up. Hanlon: "I love to take it in the ass." I'm sure you don't need me to point out the hilarity in this declaration being made to a Catholic priest, so I'll just note that of all the provocative comments Mukada's heard in Oz, that's certainly the latest. Anyway, Hanlon's point is that while some might find his proclivities perverse, his actions are his own choice, unlike, say, in the case of someone who's raped. Mukada asks if he's been raped, and he acknowledges that he has, but he's there because he has information on another rape. And thus begins another chapter in The Oz "What Happens When You Don't Keep Your Fool Fat Mouth Shut" Chronicles. It's a rather heavy volume, as you probably well know.
In Glynn's office, Mukada whines to Pete that she didn't tell him about the rape, but she rightly informs him that he asked her not to, and I really don't think that you should have your nose in the entire staff's personal business, Ray. Glynn enters, and Mukada starts to spill it. Cut to Glynn storming into an interrogation room where Alvarez is waiting. Glynn asks him what he knows, but Alvarez isn't having it. "You think that you could shit on people, shit on people, and you get away with it? Not this time. And you can go fuck yourself." Mukada tries to intervene, having, like the rest of us, seen the steam coming out of Glynn's ears, and tells Alvarez to say what he heard about Glynn's daughter. Alvarez: "What? That she's a lousy lay?" If you've never seen steel harden, you might want to check out Glynn's jaw right after those words are uttered. Mr. Steel removes his jacket and tells a hack to chain Alvarez up, then starts to usher Mukada out the door. Mukada, not wanting to see Alvarez's pretty face get smashed in like an overripe cantaloupe, tries to dissuade Glynn, but Glynn yells for him to get out, and grabs one of the hack's nightsticks. At the last second, Mukada throws himself between Glynn and Alvarez, and Glynn smashes the table in frustration. I hope you're seriously ashamed of your behavior in the riot now, Migs. And if I didn't know what happens to Alvarez in the rest of the series, I'd be pointing out that he's only a very short walk from the shit list right now, but considering how intimately he later becomes acquainted with the first word of that expression, I think I'll let it slide. He really was a little punk here, though, no?
“ Beecher denies it, and says Hill's trying to cover the fact that he was the one that farted, but Hill counters that Beecher's the one covering, because, as he already said, he farted. If you haven't had this exact conversation with a family member or friend, well, you just haven't lived in the world. ”
Glynn tries to track down the phone call that Alvarez made, but is reminded that the prison only monitors a random selection of prisoner calls, and they didn't catch that one. I'd think that they could at least find out the number he called from the phone company, but I just work here. Later, as Glynn walks through the cafeteria, Schibetta catches him and says he's sorry about his daughter. Glynn asks if everybody knows. Schibetta: "Pretty much, yeah." Heh. Schibetta really needs either to grow the hair out or, preferably, cut it short. It seems like he's sculpted the top part of his hair into a tiara, and I don't think I have to tell you that it's really not a very flattering look. Anyway, he offers to lean on Alvarez so he'll give up the name of the rapist, but Glynn declines, saying he doesn't want to owe little Petey any more favors that he already does, and also, it's wrong. Schibetta: "Right, wrong, there's such a fine line between them." Glynn: "Remember that little statement when Adebisi's massaging your prostate." Well, he actually says, "Not for me," but I like to think he was kicking himself later.
Hill blabs about evil. Glynn enters his daughter's hospital room. Good Lord, he couldn't pull some strings and get her a private room? The poor girl's head is completely wrapped in gauze, her right eye is swollen shut, and she's wearing an oxygen mask. Not a pretty picture. She does seem to wake up when Glynn touches her, although frankly it's a little hard to tell. He holds her hand. Aw. Nothing to say here.
Em City. The lights go out. Wangler lies in bed, Pancamo lights a cigarette, Alvarez chokes the gallina (under the covers, unfortunately), Said prays. Most pointless montage ever. Rebadow sleeps, but we hear a rhythmic noise, and I'm telling you right now, if Busmalis is doing anything with his chicken, you'll need to get a seventh recapper to finish out the classic episodes. Oh, good, he's just digging. "Prisoner Number 98B242, Agamemnon Busmalis, a.k.a. The Mole." We see him stealing something from what looks like a bank vault, then jumping down into a large hole and scrambling through a tunnel. However, when he returns to wherever it was he started from, four cops are waiting for him. Ha! Nice one, Shovel Boy. Grand theft larceny, breaking and entering. Ten years, parole in four. Back in the pod, Rebadow awakes and asks what he's doing. Digging, duh. Rebadow warns him that a hack is coming, and Busmalis scampers (well, not really, but he tries) back into bed.
And now for some fun. Hill swears and accuses Beecher of having farted. Beecher denies it, and says Hill's trying to cover the fact that he was the one that farted, but Hill counters that Beecher's the one covering, because, as he already said, he farted. If you haven't had this exact conversation with a family member or friend, well, you just haven't lived in the world. They bicker back and forth until Beecher definitively states, "I. Didn't. Fart." Perfect little pause, and then he cuts a loud one. HA! Hill swears, and Beecher giggles, and if you've never concluded this discussion by doing exactly what Beecher did here, well, I pity you.