And just like that, the first season's over. Well, it will be in a number of hours, anyway. Probably a large number of hours. Lucky for y'all, it's still winter weather in England. In case you can't tell, I'm having a hard time getting started here, but I'm going to unscatter my brain now and do this. Right. Now.
I randomly paused the credits to write the above paragraph, and now I see I stopped right on Dean Winters's name. It's a sign, isn't it? ISN'T IT?
Bitches.
Hill tells us that it's not the actions of great men that shape the world. Casting an eye around the political landscape these days, I'm forced to agree. Prisoners march into Gen Pop, among them an eye-patch wearing Schillinger. Don't worry, Vern, I think pirates had plenty of anal sex too. We get the quickest Start-To-Title-Mention I can recall, as Hill tells us that "wars happen over a game of checkers." Ah, yes, the ever-absent metaphor. Schillinger has no reaction to getting a black cellmate as a hack tells him, "Goodnight, turd." It pains me to laugh at such an unsubtle joke, but: Hee. Schillinger looks surprisingly pensive, which is probably as good a time as any to cue his prisoner flashback, and I really do like how they interspersed these flashbacks throughout the entire season. This season was about as tight as Robson's ass during the spoon incident. What? I'm not toning things down for the season finale, people. We see a negative of two boys talking to an adult of color by a schoolyard fence, and then the picture goes normal as we see that the adult is selling them drugs. If you look closely, you can see Foreshadowing winking at Andrew. Vern appears out of nowhere, and as the shot goes back and forth from negative to normal, we see him beat the crap out of the dealer with a tire iron. The kids look a little disturbed at the vehemence of the attack, but Vern hustles them into his pickup (hee!) and drives away. "Prisoner Number 92S110. Vernon Schillinger." Aggravated assault, eight years, parole in five. Hey, 92 and 5 is 97! Is that important? By the way, during Hill's exposition there, we see Vern with no eyepatch, and he's now in the Xander Harris club. Well, Xander, Vern will have no problem gaying you up, if you're still interested.
Schillinger, eyepatch back on, tells Mukada and McManus that his sons, now almost out of their teens, visited him. He explains that the boys are living with his father, "the man who taught me everything I know about hate," and that they were high and ranting. Sounds like a lot of parties I've been to. I can't think of a clever way to fit this in, but I must mention that Mukada has a sign that says "Real men keep their promises" on his desk. Hee. It's just so earnest. I also must note that Sister Pete isn't in this episode at all. Anyway, Schillinger goes on that he yelled at his kids for taking drugs, but they just laughed. He takes responsibility for how fucked up his kids are, and says he wants to pass his parole hearing in three months so he can be there for his kids. Man, J.K. Simmons is good. He's selling a vulnerable Schillinger -- you want to believe the character is completely full of shit here, but you can't, and it's especially poignant knowing what ends up happening to Andrew and Hank. McManus speculates that if Schillinger comes back to Em City, he'll kill Beecher, but Schillinger says that if he wanted that, Beecher would already be rounding out a bridge foursome with Ortolani, Groves, and Keane. Heh. Ortolani playing bridge. "Four hearts? Fuck you!" McManus asks why he should believe him, but Schillinger explains, "You lose an eye, get kicked in the balls, get a face full of shit -- you become a different man." He smiles, and just like that, is back to Eeevil. Brilliant.
Ross sits, watching two guys play checkers, when Schillinger makes his grand reentrance. He asks where Beecher is, but Ross tells him he's still in the Hole. Speaking of, we see an overhead shot of Beecher sitting on the floor of the Hole. There's something white in the bucket, and I don't even want to know what it could be. McManus enters with some clothes, and tells Beecher to get up, which he does with the query, "Do you want to touch my dick?" And there's another party I've been to. Ah, memories. McManus declines the offer. And here is my favorite exchange of the episode:
Beecher: I shit all over a man.
McManus: I know.
Beecher: That's not normal.
McManus: No.
It's all in Terry Kinney's delivery, people. We get a blink-and-you'll-miss-it dick shot as McManus tells Beecher that Schillinger's back in Em City. He says that Schillinger promised not to harm him, and asks Beecher for a reciprocal pledge. Beecher, after listing all the atrocities Schillinger has visited upon him, insincerely agrees. Well, those two are going to be braiding each other's metaphorical hair, don't you think?
Beecher is making his bed when Ryan enters, greeting Beecher with an expository "roomie," and asks how crazy Beecher is. Dude, you were there at the end of "Plan B." Several Aryans appear and stare threateningly at Beecher through the glass, but soon walk off, possibly having heard that Beecher's feces taste even worse than the slop they're served every day. Ryan tries to put a friendly? sexy? arm around Beecher, but Beecher rebuffs him. Oh, so he really is crazy. Ryan delicately tells Beecher that a Muslim riot is imminent, and that he may need Beecher, sanity optional. Beecher asks for what. Ryan: "Be my brother." Swoon. Beecher looks like he's about to assent, but Schillinger and Ross walk by at that moment. Beecher imitates the patented Said storm-out and yells after Schillinger, calling him an "asswipe." Adebisi repeats it, and it's just too funny. Ross tells Schillinger that he'd better kill Beecher, or his street cred is going to go the way of the term "street cred." Schillinger says he doesn't care, and walks off.
Hill blahs about game faces. Ross lies down on his bunk, then looks under his pillow and finds a carton of cigarettes. I don't even want to know which fairy brought that. Quick blue-filtered flashback to Ross making his arrangement with Diane, and then in the present, he smarmily looks at her and winks. God, how I hate him. He's managed to get even less goodwill from me than McManus, and if you don't know how tall an order that is, you really haven't been reading my recaps, have you? Shame on you. Give yourself a smack and go sit in the corner. Speaking of McManus, we see him talking to Diane, and he does not look pleased. He ushers her into his office, and tells her there's a rumor that she's bringing contraband into Em City. She flatly lies about it, which is a rather important bit of character development given the revelation at the end of the season's premiere. McManus tells her that he has an eyewitness, and she asks who it is. McManus: "Me." Diane, you're busted like a shoddy Firestone tire. She asks if she's fired; he rather generously tells her no, but she's got to put an end to it. She agrees. McManus, as usual thinking that what this moment needs is a little self-righteousness, tells her that she should have told him about her history with Ross. She contritely agrees, but he asks her if she slept with Ross. "I'm just trying to figure out if you fucked us both." Well, I can't think of two people who deserve it more, at least in the figurative sense. Diane quits on the spot, but McManus apologizes, she forgives him, and the scene ends right before the urge to roll a pizza cutter over my face becomes irresistible.
Diane goes to see Ross and tells him it's over. He smarms that if she ends their arrangement, he'll bust her to Glynn, and she'll get fired and possibly do time. There's a pause, in which she no doubt thinks of eight hundred ways to kill him. Welcome to my head, Diane. She weakly asserts that he wouldn't do that, but he disabuses her of that notion. "Turn on me again, your life ain't worth shit." Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle dead. Ross walks out and smarms to McManus that Diane is a damn fine woman. McManus actually looks like he's sized up the situation accurately. Will the surprises never stop?
A new hack, Nowakowski, enters Oz. He looks like Rob from Will & Grace. In the laundry room, Ross and Ryan try to iron out (heh) what they'll do if the Muslims riot. Nowakowski observes them through the glass. Well, that was informative. He sees Wangler loitering (what a mom-aged word), and tells him to get lost. He doesn't, however, stick around to make sure Wangler does in fact get lost, which is lucky, since he's playing lookout for Adebisi and some other dude to snort some drugs. Nowakowski reports to Diane and Mineo for duty. Blah blah suspensions, blee blee newbies. In his pod, Said tells his troops that it's time, and orders Arif to start an argument with a hack, making sure the hack hits him first. Arif asks what then. "Jihad." I see. In the main area, Hill tries to cheer up Dobbins, but is rebuffed. Dude, you might do better to have a last meal or something. Diane continues with the exposition, and I was here for the whole season, so I'm going to skip it, especially since it involves Vahue.
McManus goes to see Rebadow, who's depressed that God lied to him, and McManus cracks me up again by looking at his watch before he's even settled into his chair. He says that he's late for a meeting, and Rebadow flatlines that he used to have meetings. "They never do any good." Prisoner flashback alert! An up-tempo song that sounds fifties where it should be sixties plays, as a young, jet-black-haired Rebadow meets at an outdoor café with someone who looks like nothing else more than a young Ed Begley Jr. Young Ed Begley Jr. reviews some blueprints that Rebadow gave him. Rebadow's apparently no Mike Brady, as Young Ed Begley Jr. crumples them up and throws them in his face. Rebadow responds by plunging a shrimp fork into Ed's neck. Rebadow opens up the blueprints and looks at them as Ed hilariously flails around in his death throes. Hee. I still think you're boring, Rebadow, but you killed Ed Begley Jr., and you did it with style. "Prisoner Number 65R814. Robert Rebadow." Murder one, death, commuted to life. Murder one? I'm no lawyer, but unless Rebadow brought the shrimp fork in his briefcase, I don't see the premeditation. Then again, maybe the jury just figured that there's no way he hadn't fantasized about killing Ed Begley Jr. at least once. Rebadow blathers to McManus some more, but McManus thankfully isn't interested in prolonging a boring conversation for once, and bails. Diane tries to introduce him to the new hack, but he blows by in a hurry. He sees Mukada, who goes in to talk to Alvarez, who's meeting with a bunch of his boys.
Right before Mukada enters, we hear Alvarez utter the word "hostages," so make of that what you will. In more important news, Alvarez has no shirt on. You know, you're in a lazy mood, you're slow to start a recap, and then something comes along to make it all worthwhile. Mukada asks everyone to clear out. Alvarez has a bunch of tattoos on his arms and shoulders. Were those there before? Do they symbolize his newfound status? Is it possible I could have missed a detail of his torso? Alvarez gives Mukada attitude, but the henchmen do leave. Mukada says that "Jose Torres" got paroled, and he hears that Alvarez is running the Latino gang. Alvarez: "The only reason why I didn't beat the shit out of you just now, is because you've been there for me. Don't push your luck." The testosterone splashes out of my monitor and seeps into my pores. Pardon me while I go watch some boxing or something.
Okay, I'm back. In the main area, a guy who for some reason makes me want to sing "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay" returns to his checkers game, and immediately accuses his beefy opponent of moving one of the pieces. "Every time I have to take a shit, you move the pieces! That's why I'm fucking losing!" Schillinger's in the area, and if having him walk by just as the expression "take a shit" was uttered was an intentional bit of direction, I applaud you, Jean de Segonzac. The beefy guy says that the lumberjack is losing because he sucks, which is sort of what I was trying to imply, but that results in a flying tackle. The hacks try to break things up, with no success. Said and company watch from his pod as Diane calls for backup. Ryan and Ross emerge and applaud the festivities. Armstrong appears, but Ryan knocks him out cold and bloody, yelling, "Payback sucks, motherfucker!" From that, I gather that that's the dude that pummeled him in "Plan B." Ryan and Ross then turn on Brese as a few prisoners advance on Diane. During all of this, Schillinger is looking about as nervous as a virgin going to her high school prom. Alvarez and Mukada emerge, but Mukada is immediately dragged off. He pleads with Alvarez to help him, but Alvarez, looking a little conflicted, does nothing. The Muslims run out and get involved, and it's worth noting that Arif and his crew take the time to pull Diane's assailants away from her. Said digs under his mattress as Adebisi and his gang trash McManus's office. So Adebisi won the rock-paper-scissors game, then. Some guy stabs Dobbins. Adebisi and Ryan share a fond look. Aw. There's a fanfic couple for you. Glynn barks some orders at a hack, then tells McManus their worst nightmare has come to pass. Foreshadowing shakes his head sadly and sighs, "I tried to warn you all season, man." The Em City prisoners continue trashing the place. Alvarez lights a cigarette and then uses the match to set a large pile of mattresses and clothing ablaze. Well, that's two things that are scorching in that frame. Said finally reaches the guard's station, raises the gun he was given in the last episode, and fires. Everyone instantly stops what they're doing. He rasps, "Now let's get organized!" Everyone cheers.
This development has some striking similarities to Buffy's showdown with the Mayor in "Graduation Day, Part Two." I said in that recap that I was torn between the implausibility of the development and the coolness of the idea, and I feel similarly here. On the one hand, surreptitiously organizing all the factions to riot is an awesome idea, and there were several hints over the last two episodes that things might move in that direction. Is it likely that all the groups would agree? Not clearly, but it's not clear that they wouldn't, either. But the misdirection was too heavy-handed for my taste -- why would Ross and Ryan have been in the dark for so long? And what was that crap about Arif starting the riot? Was the checkers incident just a lucky coincidence? In the end, I like this episode too much to really care, but, you know, blah blah blah recapper-cakes.
Outside the bars of Em City, Glynn, McManus, and a SORT team converge. Glynn bullhorns that if the prisoners surrender, there will be no repercussions. My reaction is "Yeah, right," and the prisoners seem to agree. Glynn asks if there's anyone in charge, and the Muslims start a chant of "Said!" The man of the hour climbs up on some furniture so Glynn can see him, and triumphantly puts his Muslim cap back on. Oh, snap. He raises his arm for quiet. Glynn asks what this is all about. Said: "If you have to ask, Glynn, we got a long day ahead of us." Seriously. Glynn looks like he smells something awful. Maybe someone else pissed Beecher off. Inside, the prisoners haul the hack hostages and Mukada into a large room. Vahue looks sketched out, although, given Rick Fox's acting ability, that's sort of a wild guess. In another room, Said announces that Glynn has granted them time to come up with a list of demands, and in the meantime, they should stay united. We see that he's speaking to a high council, the other members of which are Adebisi, Ross, Ryan, and Alvarez. The others are concerned about Said's advantage in having the gun. Adebisi suggests they give it to him. Everyone scoffs, and he's all, "What?" Hee. What a genius character. After some more posturing and swaggering, Said proposes that they divide up the responsibilities. See, I'm starting to think the riot was a coincidence the way it went down, as it seems like all this would have been talked about earlier. Anyway, the council settles its immediate differences, and moves on to the list of demands. Later, Said tells Arif they need to put the wounded in a separate area. Arif asks, "The shower room?" which is a contender for the worst line reading in history. Downstairs, Hill finds Dobbins, and calls for help. Vahue is Dobbins's unlikely savior, and he and Arif carry him to the shower room. Man, that's a lot of blood. Flashback of scenes involving Dobbins and Vahue. In the shower room, Vahue returns with some towels, and upon seeing Dobbins's gaping wound, he exclaims, "That don't look good!" Jackson Vahue, now out on parole, teaching rocket science at UCLA. Hill and Vahue have a rather silly argument, given the circumstances, about Dobbins's cello being his identity. The upshot, however, is that Vahue agrees to carry Dobbins to the hospital...
...which he tries to do, only the prisoners sort of don't let him. In the end, however, Adebisi, Ross, and Ryan elect to open the gate to demonstrate their solidarity with each other to Said. Clever, except for the fact that Said almost certainly would have wanted them to let Dobbins out. So, "stupid," actually. I'm sorry, Ryan! I didn't really mean it! It's my job! Hill says goodbye to Dobbins, and Vahue carries him out. The SORT team grabs Vahue, causing Dobbins to spill out of his arms onto the floor, where he's cuffed and dragged off. Nice. McManus cringes in pain at another bloody example of the failure of his vision. What's that twinge I feel? Is it, God forbid, sympathy? I hope it's just gas. Inside, Hill looks ready to lose it as he sees sheet music strewn all over Dobbins's cell. He picks up Dobbins's bow, which totally wouldn't be in there if he felt the need to store the cello in the chaplain's office, and mimes playing as cello music kicks up.
Beecher, who since the riot started has been acting crazier than Paula Abdul at her most whacked-out, busts into Schillinger's pod and says he has to take a shit. That's not going to get old for me any time soon, people. Schillinger says he doesn't want to fight, but Beecher all but declares his intention to fuck up Schillinger's parole, calls him a "prag," and leaves, foreshadowing a line of the song he performed in the talent show. Schillinger looks blank. Beecher, just because a lion's sleeping is no reason to pull its tail, you know what I'm saying?
Hill: We always root for the underdog. Okay then.
In the hostage room, Diane says they have to figure out a way to escape, as she can't just wait around to get raped. Edie Falco's voice breaks just a little bit there, and I'm reminded once again why we all love her. Everyone looks pretty bloody, and Armstrong lies unconscious. Alvarez escorts Hunt in, and tells the group that he's in charge of them now, which is a pretty sweet deal for them, considering the other choices. Mukada tells him that Armstrong needs a doctor, and Alvarez says he'll see if something can be arranged. See? Ross would have gotten some salt and started pouring. Mineo pipes up that he has to piss, and Alvarez brings him a bucket, Hole-style. Mineo stands and tells Alvarez to uncuff him. Alvarez: "You remember that joke you made when my baby died?" Two words: Uh. Oh. Alvarez starts whaling on Mineo, but Mukada yells at him and says he doesn't have to give in to the brutality. Alvarez calls him naïve, but Mukada says he's not, he's just afraid. Alvarez: "Well, so am I, hermano. So am I." Great scene.
Oz TV reports the riot. Alvarez and his fine, fine abs go to see Said. Said asks after the hostages, and Alvarez tells him they need a doctor. Said gives his permission, but slightly resignedly notes that they'll need clearance from the other council members. Elsewhere, Adebisi is doing his best Hoover imitation when Ryan tells him he needs to slow down with the drugs, as they need clear heads, and also, if they run out, he doesn't need Adebisi going through withdrawal. At the front door, Ross and Wangler go at each other, and if they took each other out, I'd be one happy recapper. However, Ryan breaks them up. Sigh. Alvarez approaches and asks for their votes on the doctor issue, which is predictably negged by Ross and Adebisi. Ryan takes a little longer to vote no. Ryan, if you want me not to like you, you're going to have to wear more clothes than that. Upon hearing Ryan's vote, Adebisi plants a little kiss on the back of his neck, which Ryan may or may not lean into. See? Told you.
D'Agnasti, another hack, is telling bad jokes to try to break up the tension. That's a questionable strategy at best, but it does lead to some hilarious reactions from the other hostages. Even Mukada's annoyed. Hee. Alvarez enters with a medical kit, and says that as a doctor won't be forthcoming, he'll put his training as an orderly to good use. Diane, once a nurse's aide, volunteers her help. Dee-nied! In Glynn's office, the Pernicious Peewee says that they shouldn't negotiate, but instead cut off Em City's water and power and rush in with tear gas. McManus asks about the hostages. PP: "Hopefully the SORT team will reach them in time." While not giving a shit about their lives is in character, I'd think the PP would be a little more concerned about the effect a bunch of dead hostages would have on his political career. McManus and the PP have a brief argument that's actually intelligent on both sides, but the PP closes the matter by saying he's going public and calling in the National Guard. Glynn gets a call, and informs the group that the hostages want food. The PP's against the idea, but McManus says they can trade the food in exchange for permission to check on the hostages, and volunteers for that duty. Wow. Is that respect I'm feeling for him now? I think I may have to lie down for a while.
McManus wheels a cart of sandwiches and water to the door, and calls inside. They let him in. Ryan supervises the distribution of the food as Ross takes McManus to the hostages. McManus and Said lock eyes on the way. McManus asks if Armstrong and Mineo are okay, and gets a negative. McManus asks what it would take to get Armstrong, Mineo, and Diane set free. Alvarez says a vote would have to be taken. Cut to McManus proposing to the council that he trade himself for the aforementioned three. Adebisi says three for one isn't a good trade. He holds up three fingers, and then flips McManus the bird. Hee. McManus points out that if Armstrong or Mineo dies, they could all get the death penalty. Ryan proposes that they keep Diane, but allow McManus to trade himself for the other two. We get more evidence that calling Ross a scumbag is an insult to scum, but we already knew that. McManus protests the new arrangement at first, but it's clear that he can't really turn down the counterproposal. The vote is unanimous for the trade. Cut to the injured hacks being carried out the front door. The door closes, and Ryan gives a SORT guy two envelopes, one containing a letter from McManus explaining the exchange, the other containing the prisoners' demands. The prisoners withdraw back into Em City.
Glynn read the demands, among which are the demand to speak directly to the media, one that there be no repercussions for the riot, and one reinstating conjugal visits and smoking. Glynn thinks most of them are harmless, but the Pernicious Peewee isn't having it. Glynn asks how he can end the situation in that case. PP: "The old-fashioned way. By force." Here's an idea: Ross and the Pernicious Peewee, steel-cage match. Tell me that wouldn't be a sellout.
Hostage House Of Horrors. Hunt tells McManus that the riot is his fault. Diane tells him to shut up, and when I'm agreeing with her, you know that McManus hasn't been his usual self this episode. Beecher stares in at him while holding a stick and his dick. Slick, Beecher. McManus stares sadly at Beecher, and sees the ghosts of Sanchez, Ortolani, Post, Keane, Markstram, and Groves materialize around him. Aw, it's no fun when I feel sorry for him. McManus freaks, gets up, and kicks the door. Alvarez opens it, and McManus begs to see Said. In another room, McManus exposits to Said that he grew up in a prison town in upstate New York, and that the whole town's industry depended on the prison. He says that when he was ten, there was a riot at the prison that lasted four days, and was resolved by force, with thirty-one inmates and nine hostages dying in the process. Said breathes, "Attica." McManus says that he wanted to build a better prison, but Said counters that the best prison wouldn't be good enough. "I'm gonna try one more time with you, McManus. Now I am not saying that the men in Oz are innocent. I am saying that they are not here because of the crimes they have committed, but because of the color of their skin! Their lack of education! The fact that they are poor!" He goes on that the riot isn't about the demands, but about the failure of society and the judicial system. This argument isn't getting resolved in my lifetime, much less in the eight minutes left in this episode, so it's a relief when Ryan interrupts and tells Said they have to talk. Said endeth the lesson: "You want to save this place, right? And I want to destroy it. Brick by hypocritical brick." He leaves.
Outside, Ryan tells him that they're out of heroin, and that Adebisi and his gang are starting to "fiend." Said says that if it gets ugly, he'll be ready, and dismissively walks away. Ryan grabs him. Arif tosses him away, but Beecher's got Ryan's back. Lucky bastard. Adebisi initiates a shakedown of sorts, having his gang search every pod for drugs. Soon, a mini-riot breaks out, and Said deploys his troops to restore order. Adebisi eventually starts choking Wangler. Faster, Simoncat, kill, kill! Said points the gun at Adebisi and breaks up the fun. Damn. And now, we get our final prisoner flashback of the season. Adebisi whoops and chases some guy wearing a tracksuit that I think I last saw on D'Angelo. The guy falls, but draws his badge and says he's a police officer. Adebisi brandishes a machete big enough, if phallic symbols are to be believed, to make me wince in sympathetic pain for Peter Schibetta, and smiles, "Execution day, baby." He swings, decapitation-style. "Prisoner Number 93A234. Simon Adebisi." Murder one, life without parole.
In the present, Adebisi, who's so strung out that he's even discarded his hat, tells Said to kill him. Give him a few seasons there, dude. Adebisi begs for tits. Cut to Adebisi and his gang tied up and detoxing on the balcony. Hill VOs that winning is everything as the lights go out. Said says that it's the beginning of the end, and yells for the hostages to be brought out. The six hostages are lined up and gagged, and very soon, tear gas bombs are exploding. Everyone takes cover as the SORT team moves in. Hill: "Yeah, who cares who lives or dies in prison? We read the names in the morning paper and they mean nothing to us. They're faceless. Truth is, we don't want to put a face on them. We don't want to know who they really are. Because then it might hit too close to home. And home is what it's all about, right? Makin' a home no matter where you are, no matter who you are. At the end of the day, everybody wants somewhere to rest. Somewhere to lay their bones. Even if it's in a land called Oz. Yeah, like Dorothy says when she wakes up in her own bed back at Aunt Em's, there's no place like home. There's no fucking place like home." Hate to wrap up a fantastic season with a mediocre monologue, but it's better than most Hill fare. Peace out, people.