A Game Of Checkers

And just like that, the first season's over. Well, it will be in a number of hours, anyway. Probably a large number of hours. Lucky for y'all, it's still winter weather in England. In case you can't tell, I'm having a hard time getting started here, but I'm going to unscatter my brain now and do this. Right. Now.

I randomly paused the credits to write the above paragraph, and now I see I stopped right on Dean Winters's name. It's a sign, isn't it? ISN'T IT?

Bitches.

Hill tells us that it's not the actions of great men that shape the world. Casting an eye around the political landscape these days, I'm forced to agree. Prisoners march into Gen Pop, among them an eye-patch wearing Schillinger. Don't worry, Vern, I think pirates had plenty of anal sex too. We get the quickest Start-To-Title-Mention I can recall, as Hill tells us that "wars happen over a game of checkers." Ah, yes, the ever-absent metaphor. Schillinger has no reaction to getting a black cellmate as a hack tells him, "Goodnight, turd." It pains me to laugh at such an unsubtle joke, but: Hee. Schillinger looks surprisingly pensive, which is probably as good a time as any to cue his prisoner flashback, and I really do like how they interspersed these flashbacks throughout the entire season. This season was about as tight as Robson's ass during the spoon incident. What? I'm not toning things down for the season finale, people. We see a negative of two boys talking to an adult of color by a schoolyard fence, and then the picture goes normal as we see that the adult is selling them drugs. If you look closely, you can see Foreshadowing winking at Andrew. Vern appears out of nowhere, and as the shot goes back and forth from negative to normal, we see him beat the crap out of the dealer with a tire iron. The kids look a little disturbed at the vehemence of the attack, but Vern hustles them into his pickup (hee!) and drives away. "Prisoner Number 92S110. Vernon Schillinger." Aggravated assault, eight years, parole in five. Hey, 92 and 5 is 97! Is that important? By the way, during Hill's exposition there, we see Vern with no eyepatch, and he's now in the Xander Harris club. Well, Xander, Vern will have no problem gaying you up, if you're still interested.

Schillinger, eyepatch back on, tells Mukada and McManus that his sons, now almost out of their teens, visited him. He explains that the boys are living with his father, "the man who taught me everything I know about hate," and that they were high and ranting. Sounds like a lot of parties I've been to. I can't think of a clever way to fit this in, but I must mention that Mukada has a sign that says "Real men keep their promises" on his desk. Hee. It's just so earnest. I also must note that Sister Pete isn't in this episode at all. Anyway, Schillinger goes on that he yelled at his kids for taking drugs, but they just laughed. He takes responsibility for how fucked up his kids are, and says he wants to pass his parole hearing in three months so he can be there for his kids. Man, J.K. Simmons is good. He's selling a vulnerable Schillinger -- you want to believe the character is completely full of shit here, but you can't, and it's especially poignant knowing what ends up happening to Andrew and Hank. McManus speculates that if Schillinger comes back to Em City, he'll kill Beecher, but Schillinger says that if he wanted that, Beecher would already be rounding out a bridge foursome with Ortolani, Groves, and Keane. Heh. Ortolani playing bridge. "Four hearts? Fuck you!" McManus asks why he should believe him, but Schillinger explains, "You lose an eye, get kicked in the balls, get a face full of shit -- you become a different man." He smiles, and just like that, is back to Eeevil. Brilliant.

Ross sits, watching two guys play checkers, when Schillinger makes his grand reentrance. He asks where Beecher is, but Ross tells him he's still in the Hole. Speaking of, we see an overhead shot of Beecher sitting on the floor of the Hole. There's something white in the bucket, and I don't even want to know what it could be. McManus enters with some clothes, and tells Beecher to get up, which he does with the query, "Do you want to touch my dick?" And there's another party I've been to. Ah, memories. McManus declines the offer. And here is my favorite exchange of the episode:

Beecher: I shit all over a man.
McManus: I know.
Beecher: That's not normal.
McManus: No.

It's all in Terry Kinney's delivery, people. We get a blink-and-you'll-miss-it dick shot as McManus tells Beecher that Schillinger's back in Em City. He says that Schillinger promised not to harm him, and asks Beecher for a reciprocal pledge. Beecher, after listing all the atrocities Schillinger has visited upon him, insincerely agrees. Well, those two are going to be braiding each other's metaphorical hair, don't you think?

Beecher is making his bed when Ryan enters, greeting Beecher with an expository "roomie," and asks how crazy Beecher is. Dude, you were there at the end of "Plan B." Several Aryans appear and stare threateningly at Beecher through the glass, but soon walk off, possibly having heard that Beecher's feces taste even worse than the slop they're served every day. Ryan tries to put a friendly? sexy? arm around Beecher, but Beecher rebuffs him. Oh, so he really is crazy. Ryan delicately tells Beecher that a Muslim riot is imminent, and that he may need Beecher, sanity optional. Beecher asks for what. Ryan: "Be my brother." Swoon. Beecher looks like he's about to assent, but Schillinger and Ross walk by at that moment. Beecher imitates the patented Said storm-out and yells after Schillinger, calling him an "asswipe." Adebisi repeats it, and it's just too funny. Ross tells Schillinger that he'd better kill Beecher, or his street cred is going to go the way of the term "street cred." Schillinger says he doesn't care, and walks off.

Hill blahs about game faces. Ross lies down on his bunk, then looks under his pillow and finds a carton of cigarettes. I don't even want to know which fairy brought that. Quick blue-filtered flashback to Ross making his arrangement with Diane, and then in the present, he smarmily looks at her and winks. God, how I hate him. He's managed to get even less goodwill from me than McManus, and if you don't know how tall an order that is, you really haven't been reading my recaps, have you? Shame on you. Give yourself a smack and go sit in the corner. Speaking of McManus, we see him talking to Diane, and he does not look pleased. He ushers her into his office, and tells her there's a rumor that she's bringing contraband into Em City. She flatly lies about it, which is a rather important bit of character development given the revelation at the end of the season's premiere. McManus tells her that he has an eyewitness, and she asks who it is. McManus: "Me." Diane, you're busted like a shoddy Firestone tire. She asks if she's fired; he rather generously tells her no, but she's got to put an end to it. She agrees. McManus, as usual thinking that what this moment needs is a little self-righteousness, tells her that she should have told him about her history with Ross. She contritely agrees, but he asks her if she slept with Ross. "I'm just trying to figure out if you fucked us both." Well, I can't think of two people who deserve it more, at least in the figurative sense. Diane quits on the spot, but McManus apologizes, she forgives him, and the scene ends right before the urge to roll a pizza cutter over my face becomes irresistible.

Diane goes to see Ross and tells him it's over. He smarms that if she ends their arrangement, he'll bust her to Glynn, and she'll get fired and possibly do time. There's a pause, in which she no doubt thinks of eight hundred ways to kill him. Welcome to my head, Diane. She weakly asserts that he wouldn't do that, but he disabuses her of that notion. "Turn on me again, your life ain't worth shit." Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle dead. Ross walks out and smarms to McManus that Diane is a damn fine woman. McManus actually looks like he's sized up the situation accurately. Will the surprises never stop?

A new hack, Nowakowski, enters Oz. He looks like Rob from Will & Grace. In the laundry room, Ross and Ryan try to iron out (heh) what they'll do if the Muslims riot. Nowakowski observes them through the glass. Well, that was informative. He sees Wangler loitering (what a mom-aged word), and tells him to get lost. He doesn't, however, stick around to make sure Wangler does in fact get lost, which is lucky, since he's playing lookout for Adebisi and some other dude to snort some drugs. Nowakowski reports to Diane and Mineo for duty. Blah blah suspensions, blee blee newbies. In his pod, Said tells his troops that it's time, and orders Arif to start an argument with a hack, making sure the hack hits him first. Arif asks what then. "Jihad." I see. In the main area, Hill tries to cheer up Dobbins, but is rebuffed. Dude, you might do better to have a last meal or something. Diane continues with the exposition, and I was here for the whole season, so I'm going to skip it, especially since it involves Vahue.

McManus goes to see Rebadow, who's depressed that God lied to him, and McManus cracks me up again by looking at his watch before he's even settled into his chair. He says that he's late for a meeting, and Rebadow flatlines that he used to have meetings. "They never do any good." Prisoner flashback alert! An up-tempo song that sounds fifties where it should be sixties plays, as a young, jet-black-haired Rebadow meets at an outdoor caf with someone who looks like nothing else more than a young Ed Begley Jr. Young Ed Begley Jr. reviews some blueprints that Rebadow gave him. Rebadow's apparently no Mike Brady, as Young Ed Begley Jr. crumples them up and throws them in his face. Rebadow responds by plunging a shrimp fork into Ed's neck. Rebadow opens up the blueprints and looks at them as Ed hilariously flails around in his death throes. Hee. I still think you're boring, Rebadow, but you killed Ed Begley Jr., and you did it with style. "Prisoner Number 65R814. Robert Rebadow." Murder one, death, commuted to life. Murder one? I'm no lawyer, but unless Rebadow brought the shrimp fork in his briefcase, I don't see the premeditation. Then again, maybe the jury just figured that there's no way he hadn't fantasized about killing Ed Begley Jr. at least once. Rebadow blathers to McManus some more, but McManus thankfully isn't interested in prolonging a boring conversation for once, and bails. Diane tries to introduce him to the new hack, but he blows by in a hurry. He sees Mukada, who goes in to talk to Alvarez, who's meeting with a bunch of his boys.

Right before Mukada enters, we hear Alvarez utter the word "hostages," so make of that what you will. In more important news, Alvarez has no shirt on. You know, you're in a lazy mood, you're slow to start a recap, and then something comes along to make it all worthwhile. Mukada asks everyone to clear out. Alvarez has a bunch of tattoos on his arms and shoulders. Were those there before? Do they symbolize his newfound status? Is it possible I could have missed a detail of his torso? Alvarez gives Mukada attitude, but the henchmen do leave. Mukada says that "Jose Torres" got paroled, and he hears that Alvarez is running the Latino gang. Alvarez: "The only reason why I didn't beat the shit out of you just now, is because you've been there for me. Don't push your luck." The testosterone splashes out of my monitor and seeps into my pores. Pardon me while I go watch some boxing or something.

Beecher, who since the riot started has been acting crazier than Paula Abdul at her most whacked-out, busts into Schillinger's pod and says he has to take a shit. That's not going to get old for me any time soon, people. Schillinger says he doesn't want to fight, but Beecher all but declares his intention to fuck up Schillinger's parole, calls him a "prag," and leaves, foreshadowing a line of the song he performed in the talent show. Schillinger looks blank. Beecher, just because a lion's sleeping is no reason to pull its tail, you know what I'm saying?

Hill: We always root for the underdog. Okay then.

In the hostage room, Diane says they have to figure out a way to escape, as she can't just wait around to get raped. Edie Falco's voice breaks just a little bit there, and I'm reminded once again why we all love her. Everyone looks pretty bloody, and Armstrong lies unconscious. Alvarez escorts Hunt in, and tells the group that he's in charge of them now, which is a pretty sweet deal for them, considering the other choices. Mukada tells him that Armstrong needs a doctor, and Alvarez says he'll see if something can be arranged. See? Ross would have gotten some salt and started pouring. Mineo pipes up that he has to piss, and Alvarez brings him a bucket, Hole-style. Mineo stands and tells Alvarez to uncuff him. Alvarez: "You remember that joke you made when my baby died?" Two words: Uh. Oh. Alvarez starts whaling on Mineo, but Mukada yells at him and says he doesn't have to give in to the brutality. Alvarez calls him nave, but Mukada says he's not, he's just afraid. Alvarez: "Well, so am I, hermano. So am I." Great scene.

Oz TV reports the riot. Alvarez and his fine, fine abs go to see Said. Said asks after the hostages, and Alvarez tells him they need a doctor. Said gives his permission, but slightly resignedly notes that they'll need clearance from the other council members. Elsewhere, Adebisi is doing his best Hoover imitation when Ryan tells him he needs to slow down with the drugs, as they need clear heads, and also, if they run out, he doesn't need Adebisi going through withdrawal. At the front door, Ross and Wangler go at each other, and if they took each other out, I'd be one happy recapper. However, Ryan breaks them up. Sigh. Alvarez approaches and asks for their votes on the doctor issue, which is predictably negged by Ross and Adebisi. Ryan takes a little longer to vote no. Ryan, if you want me not to like you, you're going to have to wear more clothes than that. Upon hearing Ryan's vote, Adebisi plants a little kiss on the back of his neck, which Ryan may or may not lean into. See? Told you.