The Routine

So here I am. The sixth, and hopefully last, person to recap Oz. I'd like to give props to all that went before me (or after me, depending on how you look at it), especially Aaron, who was a very good sport about all the dick, despite not enjoying that sort of thing near as much as the rest of us. I'm so psyched to do this, even though, karmically speaking, getting classic Buffy and classic Oz probably means I'll have to recap Judged By America, hosted by Greta van Susteren, in which online poll results determine people's guilt and innocence. But for now, let's get to it!

Opening credits. Shackled prisoners. Guy getting the Oz tattoo. (Yes, I know it's Fontana. God, how could I not?) Headline stars: Glynn, McManus, Hill, and Said. Interesting to see who's billed as "also starring": Alvarez, Diane, Keane, Sister Pete, Schibetta (Nino), Schillinger, Beecher, Groves, and O'Reily (Ryan). Not, however, Gloria, Adebisi, or Rebadow. Jon Seda gets an "and" credit for playing Ortolani. Several shots from this episode are in there.

Oh, one more thing: I'm not going to describe any of the main characters -- it's too much effort for the one of you out there who doesn't already know them. Sorry, Mom. Kidding. I wouldn't let her read my Buffy recaps, much less these. But seriously, if you want to see pictures or descriptions of the characters, go here.

We open with several quick shots of the barbed wire surrounding the prison, and we meet Hill, the narrator who gave new meaning to the term "diminishing returns" over the years, as well as the term "GOD, SHUT UP!" He intones, "Oz," and we get a close-up of his smiling mouth. He's got some crooked front teeth. They're called braces, Hill. Look into them. Just don't insult the orthodontist, or you might end up like Robson. The camera pans back as Hill, whose dreads are much shorter than in later seasons, explains that that's the street name for the Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary. Two sets of bars open before us, and we zoom in on a group of prisoners, shackled to each other and straddling a bench. We see Groves's face behind the lead man, who's got his head between his hands. The lead man looks up, revealing that he's a bespectacled Beecher. As Hill goes on that Oz is about retribution, at the end of the line, an unidentified prisoner draws a shank from his boot and stabs a bandanna-wearing Alvarez. I'd like to say that many of the show's consistent themes pop up in this episode, and Alvarez being the first to take a shank is certainly one of them. Hell, we don't even know his name at this point, and he's already bleeding all over the floor. Alvarez grabs Beecher's leg as the hacks swarm and lockdown ensues. Beecher slams his handcuffs against the closing door.

Hill continues about Oz being hard time. We see a man, folders in hand, entering an office. Although we haven't yet seen his face, I'd like to describe his outfit: tan shirt, brown sweater vest, and purple baseball cap. Consistent Theme #2: McManus is a tool. The tool in question barges into Glynn's office, eliciting a mildly reproving comment, and blathers about the new arrivals he wants in Em City: Beecher (okay), Alvarez (in the hospital). They exit to find Healy using rather HBO-esque language to chew out a prisoner. Upon seeing Glynn, he offers a sheepish, "Hey, Warden." He completely ignores McManus. Since this is the first episode, I'm mentally awarding pluses and minuses to the characters based on their actions in order to rediscover how I feel about them. And Healy ignoring McManus definitely gets him one or two marks in the "plus" column. McManus continues that he wants Groves. Glynn repeats the name, and says not to take this the wrong way, but "Are you out of your fucking mind?" Score one for Glynn. By the way, it looks like McManus is wearing Timberland-esque boots to complete his outfit. Corey Feldman, Mark L. Walberg, Ryan Seacrest, and Brian Dunkleman would make a less toolish ensemble. Glynn continues that Groves is a sociopath without a shred of remorse, as he killed and ate his parents. McManus: "I'm gonna teach him table manners." The first "ha ha, not, McManus" moment down. Only 3,687,236 to go. Glynn opines that the only thing a guy like that understands is "punishment, hard and swift," which neatly illustrates the philosophical struggle that will color the relationship between the two men for the run of the series, and also makes me giggle at the gratuitous use of the phrase "hard and swift." God, I love this show. McManus and Glynn reach the solitary wing as McManus blathers on about the necessity of radical change, puffs his "chest" out as he says he has total autonomy to run "Cell Block Five," and threatens to call the Commissioner. Shut up, McManus. Glynn gives a world-weary sigh (one down, 297,008 to go), and gives Groves to McManus on the condition that he also take a prisoner called "Markstram." McManus complains that Markstram is a petty drug dealer, and this is such a classic example of what a self-aggrandizing dickhead McManus is, like, he only wants to spend his effort on the murderers so his successes will seem even more impressive and his failures won't seem as glaring. Glynn hands McManus Markstram's folder, says that Markstram is his cousin, and walks off, effectively shutting McManus up. Glynn, you're my new best friend! Call me every five minutes!

Hill tells us that McManus created an experimental unit inside Oz called Emerald City. I guess that makes him the man behind the curtain. Now if he'd only stay there. Hill says that to him, Em City is a concentration camp. To me, it's really high-end porn. Anyone else?

Hey, it's Diane! How we've all missed you since you went to that other show. She's explaining the rules of Em City to the new arrivals (minus Alvarez), the first of which is to keep your cell spotless. In other words, we'd better not find any jizz on the floor. By the way, "jizz" is apparently in my MS Word dictionary. Just thought you'd like to know. Diane goes on that they are to exercise regularly, attend classes and counseling, and work in one of the prison factories. She says that they will be told when to eat, sleep, and piss, and that there is no yelling, no fighting, and no fucking. I can only conclude from this speech that it has always been Opposite Day in Oz. The door slides open, and Diane says that they'll each have a sponsor who will help them get used to the routine. Groves mutters that he doesn't want any "fucking sponsors" or "fucking routine." Dude, you had a Ma and Pa sandwich, and not in the sexy way. We already know you're not really into toeing the line, okay? Rebadow (I'm reserving judgment on whether to borrow the "Rebadoze" moniker until I re-familiarize myself with the early character) sticks out his hand and introduces himself to Groves. Groves grabs it, feels it, and starts licking it. Rebadow actually looks like he might be enjoying it, which is so creepy that I kind of completely love it. He finally pulls back his hand and says evenly, "Nice to meet you too." Markstram gets Keane, and they exchange some sort of hand signal. Beecher gets Ortolani. I'm going to get it over with and just admit that I think Ortolani is hot. There, I said it. Let the ridicule begin. Beecher sticks out his hand, and gets left hanging. Heh. Ortolani says in a very sexy voice (I have a problem here, people) that he doesn't guess Beecher is Italian. Beecher smiles dopily. Ortolani asks if he's in for shaving strokes off his golf score, which cues our first "This Is Your Life! Except Not Anymore, Because You Went And Fucked It Up By Doing This" flashback. Hill intones, "Prisoner Number 97B412. Tobias Beecher." We see Beecher at the wheel of a compact, clearly intoxicated, weaving around the road. He approaches a girl on a bicycle, and we all wince as we see where this is going. A girl in my junior high school died in a similar way, except it was completely her fault, but that didn't make it any less horrifying. Anyway, the girl ends up facedown on the windshield as Beecher gapes in shock. It's a nice touch that the incident occurred during the day, as it gives us a clue that Beecher had a serious alcohol problem. "Vehicular manslaughter. Sentence fifteen years. Up for parole in four." Well, parole's not all it's cracked up to be, it would seem.

As the newbies and their sponsors march through one of those dark hallways that so often end up unguarded, we see "9 AM" flash in the lower left-hand corner. Beecher looks too long at a random inmate, prompting Ortolani to push him to the ground. Beecher gathers up his stuff and then stares into Em City. The camera pans back to show the entire interior. As Hill talks about the lack of privacy, Beecher looks around to see a lot of people staring at him. Remember when the monologues were relevant? Although all the murders and rapes sort of take some of the air out of Hill's statement. As Hill goes on that McManus believes he can save everyone, we see the queue for the phone. Inside, an obviously very light-in-the-loafers Billie Keane checks out Ortolani, who's leaning with his back against the glass. As Ortolani smokes, Beecher nervously approaches and greets him by his given name. A cigarette-smoking Ortolani surprisingly doesn't take offense at that, but informs Beecher that he's not going to be fulfilling his sponsor duties any time soon. Beecher gives the dorky smile again and starts to walk away, but Ortolani, seemingly overwhelmed by Beecher's sheer patheticness, calls him back and offers some advice: Get a weapon, and if anyone fucks with you, take him out. Beecher, skipping along the fertile banks of denial, asks if there's anything else. Ortolani: "Yeah. Don't smile. Ever." There's a big plus to Ortolani. Ortolani makes me especially glad that I thought of this point system, because although, at least in the first part of the episode, he's a complete homophobe, I like the character. We'll see if he scores enough points to justify that sentiment. Anyway, one of the phones is free. Ortolani goes to use it, and yells at Keane Light for checking him out. Outside, Markstram, accompanied by Keane, hassles Beecher for his phone card number, which Beecher dopily admits to having. For a lawyer, Beecher isn't the quickest study, is he? Ortolani tells his wife he misses her as he observes Markstram telling Beecher to get out of the line. Ortolani asks to talk to the kids. Aw, a family man!

11 AM. A short-afro-sporting Poet gives his first recitation (35,647 to go). I'm not going to deconstruct it, but it does mention cigarettes a lot, which, given Glynn's imminent speech, can't really be called foreshadowing. I think we'll just call it "shadowing" and leave it at that. At the end, Poet impassionedly asks for the cigarettes, but then says they're Marlboros, which he doesn't smoke. Everyone laughs. to me, Irony lights up a Marlboro and snickers. We move to the Wise Guys, where Ortolani tells Schibetta he's got some good veal coming in. Given Ortolani's homophobia, I assume he's referring to actual baby cows here. Schibetta's all, "Bene." Ever notice how movie and TV characters always say one-word answers in the character's native language for "authenticity"? Just once, I'd love to see them say "yes" and "good" in English, while reverting to their native languages for the complex stuff. It would be more logical, don't you think? Anyway, Beecher tentatively asks Ortolani if he can sit with him, and gets a predictable negative. He's as unfazed as a golden retriever who's just gotten hit in the head with a two-by-four. His choice is Rebadow, who's much more welcoming. That is, until he tells Beecher that Genevieve, his wife, is thinking of divorcing him, and is in fact having lunch with his old law partner to discuss it. Beecher asks how Rebadow knows his wife's name. Rebadow looks up with enough force to get whiplash, and says, "God told me." One downoh, forget it. Glynn, at the podium, announces that at the end of the month, smoking will be prohibited in Oz, as mandated by new state health guidelines. Way to spring it on them, Glynn. Even Mayor Bloomberg gave us more time than that. And, lest I get into a Sars-like rant on that subject, let's just move along, shall we? Anyway, Glynn wisely gets off the stage before the tomatoes start flying. Chaos ensues. Ortolani starts punching some random guy for no reason that I can see other than to set up his whole downward spiral plotline. Beecher looks around panickedly. I have the worst eyes in the world, so I hate to say this, but -- lose the fucking glasses, Beecher.

1 PM. In the factory, Beecher asks Rebadow if this is where they make the prison uniforms, but Rebadow informs him that these clothes are for sale. "They're hip, or hop. I'm not sure which." This just in: Rebadow is older than Methuselah. Let's move on. Beecher whines that he's not used to doing this type of work. Hill gives him the sort of glare normally reserved for child pornographers. And McManus. Hill asks what Beecher did on the outside, and upon hearing the answer, he grits, "I hate lawyers almost as much as I hate cops." I love doing these recaps in retrospect. I can say things like, "It's completely obvious that a cop must have had something to do with Hill being in a wheelchair," and get away with it. Whoops. Was that my outside voice? Beecher scratches his head all, "Can I go home yet?"

5 PM. Mineo, that older hack, calls for count. Rebadow explains that this is when they get shoved in their cells for the night, and lights-out is at ten. Beecher whinily asks what he's supposed to do until then. Rebadow: "Try to keep breathing." Boy, Beecher, I'd think some semblance of reality would have sunk in at some point, considering you killed a little girl and all. Nope, we just get another dorky smile. Inside their pod, Beecher finds Adebisi (Woo!) going through his stuff. Beecher complains, but Adebisi grabs him by the head and informs him that he, Adebisi, will be the trustee of any properties previously owned by Beecher. Well, he doesn't say it like that, but believe me, the message came through loud and clear all the same. Adebisi is wearing a big ski hat. How disappointing. A hack barges in and tells them to come out for count. Schillinger (again, woo!) observes this.

10 PM. The lights go out. Diane is still working, which is a nice little touch that will be expanded on in a few episodes, if I remember correctly. She says to no one in particular. "There's something in the air. And it ain't love." Well, that depends how broad a definition you want to give it, sweetheart.

Shots of people sleeping. We get our first look at an inmate taking a dump (3,265 to go). The dumper is Adebisi, which is quite fitting. Adebisi walks over, and Beecher, on the top bunk, huddles closer to the wall. Heh. Adebisi informs the "prag" that he won't be partaking of, er, what he has to offer. "At least not tonight." Mighty generous, if you ask me. I'm quite sure Beecher will have plenty of time to remember that tomorrow night.

The day, Beecher munches on an apple in the cafeteria. Schillinger finds him and politely asks if he can sit with him. Beecher neither smiles nor makes eye contact. Well, Adebisi may not have fucked Beecher the night, but it looks like Reality finally did. Schillinger holds out his hand and introduces himself, but Beecher still doesn't acknowledge him. Schillinger says he understands, and he saw what was going on with Adebisi. Beecher confides that Adebisi stole his watch, like, who brings a watch to prison? Schillinger says Adebisi pulled the same tricks with him when he first came to Oz. Beecher asks what he did, and Schillinger says he went to McManus and asked him to switch him to another pod. Remember I said earlier that Beecher was like a golden retriever? Well, now he's more of a rainbow trout, flopping on the line. Schillinger warns him not to say that it has anything to do with Adebisi, like, smart sentiment, but what other reason could he offer? Then again, it is McManus he'll be dealing with. All he'll have to do is cry a little. Schillinger goes on that in the meantime, he should wear armor. He lifts his shirt up to reveal sheets of newspaper tucked below. Neat trick. A lot of people on this show could have used it.

Cut to Beecher packing up his stuff. Adebisi smilingly starts to get in his face, but Schillinger opens the pod door and tells him to back off. The smile fades as Adebisi sidles forward and menaces, "Make me back off." Just when it's getting good, however, Diane enters. Man, Diane, I really like you, but I have to give you a minus there. Adebisi blows Beecher a kiss. Hee. I can't imagine what this show would have been like without Adebisi. As they enter the new pod, Schillinger declares, "I'm on top." You said a mouthful, Vern. Hee. "Mouthful." I don't believe Schillinger is still wearing his "armor," which just illustrates the effort he put into luring Beecher into his parlor. Schillinger asks if he's a "Jew," to which the answer is obviously negative, and then models his tattoos for Beecher and says they have to get him one. Beecher declines, but Schillinger, now on his bunk, replies, "Oh, yeah. I'm gonna brand you myself." Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Butt first. Beecher emotionlessly says that livestock get branded, and Schillinger agrees that that's what Beecher is. "Now, Tobias, your ass belongs to me." He caresses Beecher's face. Hee.

Night. Hill blathers about penises. This is a classic example of "show, don't tell." We pan over to the Pod Of Pain, where Beecher is wincing and shaking as Schillinger brands a swastika on his ass. I'd advise you not to turn the other cheek, Beecher. He's got a pretty perky ass for a white-collar type, though. Vern hums to himself as he idly carries on. Hee.

Morning. Schillinger calls Beecher to breakfast, but Beecher refuses. Diane immediately calls our first shakedown. Someone gets busted for having drugs in his toilet. Ortolani taunts him. Heh. Glynn and McManus pedeconference about the drug problem. McManus is wearing an even worse version of the outfit he had the other day. Try buying your blazers somewhere other than the 99-cent store, dickhead. McManus candy-asses that they need to fight the addiction, but Glynn -- rightly, in my mind -- suggests they fight the traffic with a weeklong lockdown. McManus whines that they're punishing everybody, guilty or not. This just in: IT'S A FUCKING PRISON. Glynn notes that McManus isn't coming up with anything better. I think they're trying to make Glynn look good here by only putting him in scenes with McManus. And let me tell you, it's working.

An unconscious Keane Light is wheeled out on a stretcher, bloody and battered and wearing a neck brace. As Keane goes ballistic and demands to know who did it, Mineo calls a lockdown.

Infirmary. Gloria (about time, really) ministers to Ortolani's cut hand as he flirts with her. He flippantly tells her that even if Keane Light dies, one more murder won't matter, as he's in for life. He then asks why she's not working at the women's prison, but without waiting for an answer, hits on her some more. Well, might as well, considering what's going to happen to his conjugal visit.

In his office, McManus has caught a huge cockroach and is holding it under a glass, presumably intending to release it to safety. Whether this is because he's a complete candy-ass or he's just showing respect for his fellow cockroach is for you to decide. Healy brings in a cuffed Ortolani, and McManus tells Healy to take the cuffs off. He complies, and then goes to wait outside. McManus tells Ortolani that every inmate and guard either hates him, is terrified of him, or both. Well, the same could be said of you, McManus, except for the "terrified" part. Ortolani makes a flip remark. ["Big talk from a guy whose name MS Word thinks is 'Tortellini.'" -- Sars] McManus dramatically goes and closes the blind so Healy can't see in, except that there are at least four other windows in the office. Jackass. Ortolani, examining the cockroach, grits out this gem: "I'm gonna be sitting in that cell until they carry my tight little guinea ass out in a body bag so why don't you just shut up and put me in the fuckin' hole?" "Tight little guinea ass"? "The hole"? My brain's on overload here, people. McManus bores us all with his reason for putting lifers in Em City: So people can learn to live together. God, he's like a bald version of Barney. And in case you hadn't guessed, I hate Barney. He goes on that their lives can have purpose. Ortolani laughs in his face, asks the cockroach if it heard that, and then inquires if McManus is on drugs. If Ortolani's still in the minus column, he won't be for very long. They discuss Ortolani's homophobia, and then McManus delivers the news that instead of going to the hole, Ortolani's going to serve a stint in the AIDS ward. That's actually a good one for McManus, but before Healy can drag Ortolani off, Ortolani picks up the glass and tosses the cockroach at McManus. Hee.

Cut to Schibetta's pod, where Ortolani tells him to get him out of the AIDS duty. There's a bunch of really juicy-looking grapes on the bed by Schibetta. It's making me hungry. Schibetta tells him he doesn't have to do a fucking thing. Ortolani seethes that he's not touching any "diseased faggots." We'll see about that. Schibetta says that most of them are junkies, but Ortolani doesn't care, and gets more and more agitated. Schibetta sternly scolds him for raising his voice, and Ortolani grabs his leg in a gesture of apology. His tone softening, Schibetta tells him that Wise Guys have been running prisons for generations, "with this" -- he gropes himself -- "and this" -- he touches Ortolani's forehead. Considering his homophobia, I'm a little surprised he didn't flinch when Schibetta touched him with the same hand that was just on his dick. I guess you're not gay if you're bending over for the capo. Schibetta goes on that he needs to learn to think. "Life ain't an ice pick." Words to live by. He tells Ortolani to cool his jets playing nursemaid. Ortolani seethes and scowls some more.

AIDS ward. Orderliani brings a tray over to "Sanchez," who looks like life chewed him up and spat him out. He's got a few lesions on his face. Sanchez says he's not hungry, but Ortolani says Gloria told him to feed him anyway. When Sanchez refuses, Ortolani starts spoon-feeding him. Sanchez tells him he wants to die. Ortolani: "Open your goddamn motherfucking cocksucking mouth." Must. Refrain. From. Comment.

Finally, a completely boring scene. Gloria berates McManus for giving her Ortolani. McManus asks what he should do, and Gloria suggests she administer Lorazipan, which she says will give him a "great buzz." Sign me up. She tells him to "grow some balls," but McManus asks her to dinner, and after a bit of exposition that she's separated, she accepts. Blech. I'd put you in the minus column for that, Gloria, but going out with him will be punishment enough. There's a disgusting exchange involving McManus and sex that I refuse to recap. I'm saving all my fortitude for the McManus sex scene a few episodes down the line.

4 PM. In the kitchen, Keane bitches to Adebisi that his brother is half-dead because of Ortolani. O'Reily, ever the opportunist, joins the party. Healy barges in and demands to know what's going on. Keane says they're just consoling him about his brother. Healy taunts that his brother's a fag, and asks if he's one too. Keane gets the line of the episode: "Why don't you suck my dick and find out." Adebisi licks his lips. Well, he was off-camera, so I'm just assuming. Healy gives them two minutes to finish up. Keane tells Post to go to the hole and kill Ortolani, but Ryan supplies the info that Ortolani's working the AIDS ward, like, how could they not know that? There's more gossip in Oz than in a quilting circle. Ryan says with a couple of days, he can get Post transferred to the AIDS ward, and Keane signs off on the plan. Ryan feys off, and Post smiles psychotically. I just realized who Ryan walks like -- Stuart from Queer As Folk U.K. And that, my friends, is pretty fucking fey.

In the main area, Ortolani watches TV. Schillinger joins him, and tells him the Aryan Brotherhood is grateful to him for crippling Keane Light. Ortolani is unresponsive. Schillinger says he's trying to give him "a little jizz." So was Keane Light, and look where that got him. Ortolani: "What happened in that shower was between me and the fag boy. It had nothing to do with you, you fucking redneck scumbag. So take your fucking pure white ass and get the fuck away from me." Who would have thought a statement containing the phrase "fag boy" would end up making me like Ortolani more? Schillinger leaves while calling Ortolani a "stupid greaseball," which affords Hill a segue to list a number of racial epithets, the point being that words are weapons. I'll stick with a shank, myself.

10 PM. Ortolani smokes in bed. Given his fate at the end of the episode, I wonder if this is some sort of PSA. Since he's shirtless again, however, I don't really care. Hill goes on that the routine of Oz will kill you. And we have an episode title, people.

6 AM. Ortolani wakes up and does his routine at the sink again. He walks to his pod window, and sees Said praying.

11 AM. Sanchez calls to Ortolani that he wants to see his daughter. Ortolani fixes Sanchez's bedclothes as he says he thought he was queer. Sanchez: "Queers have daughters." Indeed. Ortolani concedes the point, and reveals that his son is three, the same age as Sanchez's daughter. Sanchez pulls out a pack of cigarettes (I think they're Marlboro Lights, but I can't tell for sure) and offers them to Ortolani. Ortolani says they're not allowed to smoke, but lights them both up anyway. Heh. Ortolani asks how Sanchez got AIDS, and gets the answer that he loved heroin. Ortolani says he sold a lot of heroin, causing Sanchez to speculate that maybe Ortolani is indirectly responsible for his condition. Ortolani gets testy and says he never told Sanchez to share needles. He stomps off, but not without taking Sanchez's cigarette, saying, "No smoking." Heh.

Hallway, Light And Dark. Post comes up to Ortolani and cheerily tells him he's going to be working the AIDS ward with him. He asks if Ortolani has an extra cigarette. Ortolani opens his pack and says, "Sorry, no extras," getting another plus from me, since I've always loved that line. McManus comes up, and Post shows that he's smarter than he looks by disappearing. Ortolani tells him that no matter what reforms or policies he institutes, neither he nor any of the other inmates is ever going to change. He stomps off again. Is it hot in here?

Sister Pete's office. McManus enters and impotently tells her to revoke Ortolani's conjugal visit, substituting family time for it, but "behind the glass." Repellent, odious pantywaist -- again, he can't see anything outside his own warped worldview. He's not angry with Ortolani for the violence; he's angry with him for questioning his vision. Pete says essentially the same thing, but much more nicely: "Oh Tim, you want to be careful of playing God once too often. If you're not careful, the real one's gonna get very pissed off." McManus leaves in a huff. Jerkweed.

Ortolani comes out to see his wife and kids. Everyone's all smiles, and the wife sends the kids to play so they can talk alone. Noting his bruises, she asks what happened. He tells her he slipped in the shower, which is a lot closer to the truth than I would have expected him to get. She tells him the house is so empty. He asks if "they" are treating her okay, meaning, I guess, the outside Wise Guys. She says she doesn't care about the money, but he tells her she has to go on with her life. She's aghast at the prospect of finding anyone else, and he puts the phone down in frustration. He then picks it back up and tells her never to bring the kids back there. He starts to bail, but comes back and touches his fingers to the glass. She puts her hand up, and he smiles and leaves. Aw. He's not bad, just misunderstood! Now I know what it feels like to be a Spike fan.

1 PM. Ortolani and Post are playing cards in Gloria's office. Post is blathering on about a lawsuit that some prisoner brought that resulted in the smoking ban. I feel another rant coming on. Deep breath. Attune. Post: "You ever wonder what it's like to burn someone's eye out?' Ortolani: "Oh yeah." Hee. Gloria comes in and breaks up the party. Post gets back to work, and Gloria tells Ortolani to clean Sanchez up, as he had a little accident. Ortolani playfully refuses at first. Gloria lectures him that Sanchez hasn't got long, and it would be nice for him not to wallow in his own shit in the little time he has left. Ortolani accedes, and slaps Post with a rubber glove on his way out. Post looks after him all, "Soon I will kill you."

Ortolani helps Sanchez back into bed, presumably after having cleaned him up. I'm glad they waited until later in the series to bring the feces on-camera. Sanchez reiterates that he wants to die, and Ortolani offhandedly says he'll get his wish. Sanchez: "Help me." Ortolani lights up a cigarette, takes a puff, and tries to put it in Sanchez's mouth. Sanchez turns away, and pleads, "Help me die." The jokes are drying up here, people.

Ortolani walks into a bathroom stall, looking extremely agitated. Ryan pops his head up over the stall wall and starts taunting him. Ortolani takes a piss as Ryan tells him he's coming to Em City. We get a quick bit of exposition that Ryan ratted Ortolani out to the DA. Just for shooting him? That bastard! Ryan continues with the barbs, including "Lasagna Boy," until Ortolani punches him in the face. He comes around, grabs Ryan, and after a brief scuffle, dunks his head in the toilet. Another plus for Ortolani. Let me clarify: Ryan is my favorite character, ever. But so few people have ever been able to shut him up, and I find Ortolani's straightforward brute force to be worthy of respect. Ortolani bails into the Hazardous Hallway and looks like he's going to fall apart. The camera pans out to show Said watching, holding what I assume is a copy of the Koran. Ortolani asks if Said has all the answers. Said responds that he doesn't have all of them, but he does have some. Ortolani walks off, saying it's too bad he's the wrong color. Said watches him go. It's just a hunch, but I think, from the way Ortolani looked at Said throughout the episode and the way this exchange was filmed, that we're meant to think Ortolani was looking for Said to give him his last rites here. I also think the remark about Said's "color" was masking the real sentiment, which was that he was the wrong religion. I wish I could explain it better, but that's just the overall impression I got.

AIDS ward. We see a closeup of a breathing aid, but on the edge of the frame a shadow is moving. We pan over to a sleeping Sanchez. A hand pulls down his oxygen mask, then clamps over his mouth. He opens his eyes to see Ortolani standing over him, smiling conspiratorially. He's wearing a Gen Pop uniform, which seems strange, but maybe it had something to do with pulling this whole thing off. The inmate in the bed wakes up and observes what's going on as Sanchez flatlines. It's worth noting that Ortolani isn't wearing gloves or otherwise protecting his hands for this. Whether it's because he's let go of his homophobia, because he wants to die, or both (I think the latter) is for you to decide. And I'm not going to get into a discussion of the ethics of euthanasia here, but I think it's pretty clear that Ortolani thought he was engaging in an act of humanitarian mercy here. Very soon after, McManus gets a quick bulletin from Gloria, and then sees Ortolani manhandled by several hacks. They beat him up much more than necessary, obviously out of revenge for the beating he inflicted on their own in the showers. McManus looks on disgustedly. Well, I'm sure this wasn't your fault, Timmy. It's still Opposite Day, right?

In the hole, a bloody and fully restrained Ortolani twitches. Gloria and McManus enter, and they manage to inject Ortolani with a dose of what I assume is Lorazipan. Hill VOs that lifers eventually realize that they're not leaving, and a calm comes over them. "They are ready to die. And maybe they do what they can to help that shit along."

A hack lets Post into a sleeping Ortolani's cell. Post gives the hack some cash, and he leaves. Post sprays some fluid all over Ortolani, and lights a match. From Ortolani's viewpoint (if he were conscious), we see the match fall from a grinning Post's hand, and everything goes up in flames.

In his office, McManus examines Ortolani's folder, complete with fresh Polaroids of the crispy critter. McManus's first failure. 17,239,873,238 to go.

Great episode, and great performance by Jon Seda. You guys rock! See you on the boards!