Stee not only covered my recaplet, he left flowers by my bed when I got home. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Ozzy and Sharon's bedroom. Their pillow talk involves turkeys and buzzards. Sharon thinks that turkeys have ugly feet and they look like prehistoric monsters. Ozzy informs Sharon that the bird is a descendent of prehistoric times. Crazy...? Hey...but that's how it.... Huh. That's how we're beginning the show now, with Ozzy's Science Minute? Okay. I hope later Jack teaches us all about mitosis.
Lola snores. A DVD has Ozzy and Sharon on the cover.
Back to the bedroom, where Ozzy tells Sharon what he doesn't like about her television show -- that he never sees her. Oh, see, I think the problem everyone else had with her television show was that everybody could see her. And the problem the show had with us was that we weren't trying to see her. It's all boiling down to vision problems, isn't it? Sharon pounces on the good excuse and says that's exactly why she's not going to do the show anymore. Not because they changed the locks or anything. Ozzy realizes that if Sharon quits her show, she'll be home all the time, so he immediately tells her that she's got to keep doing the show. Sharon says she only has to do it until her commitment runs out. She likes doing the show, but doesn't like the amount of time it takes. Ozzy goes into a stuttering panic, telling Sharon that he's the one who stays home: "You're the one that works, now." Sharon smiles at the word "work," thinking just as we are, "It's so cute that you call it that." Ozzy picks up his MegaRemote and mumbles something about the Prince of Darkness.
Dogs. Sharon and dogs. Sharon kisses Ozzy goodbye outside and tells him she'll see him the day. Okay, so I should tell you that lately I've been working nights at this reality show, losing hours of my soul so that you can watch another round of women throw themselves at some eligible...shall we say...Bachelor. ["I...don't follow." -- Wing Chun] And because of that, Stee has been spending many of his days and nights alone when I'm at a meeting followed by rehearsal and then work. And what Sharon says here about what Ozzy does while she's gone is exactly what I would say if I was asked what Stee's been up to over the past three weeks: "While I'm at the show, Ozzy -- I think what he does is sleeps and rests and um, putters around and misses me and I miss him."
Cut to Ozzy in sports gear trying to drink from his massive coffee cup, succeeding mostly in spilling a stream of coffee. He doesn't appear to notice that he's got a drinking problem.
Ozzy walks through the house spraying an aerosol can of what I hope is air freshener. Or Dog-B-Gone.
Ozzy is in another workout uniform, looking ecstatic as he works his MegaRemote.
Ozzy is in his underwear, stumbling over his pants. Because Ozzy doesn't have to put his pants on one leg at a time like everybody else. He's the Prince of Fucking Darkness, man!
Sing it with me. "It's Sharon's show, it's Sharon's show. It's somehow more interesting now that it's no mo'!" A pouty Sharon calls Ozzy. He asks how the show's going tonight. Sharon pouts that it's going all right. Ozzy recommends that Sharon's show go on location every once in a while, to "Pat fucking Boone's house" or "anybody." Oh, Ozzy. You've already got one full camera crew at your house. Do you really want to invite Sharon to film both of her shows from her bedroom? Ozzy tells Sharon he's a little bored watching Thankless Task Man do his day's work. Sharon and Ozzy exchange words of affection. Ozzy picks up his half-eaten apple and makes Thankless Task Man hang up the phone. I'm pretty sure Thankless Task Man is soon going to have to eat the rest of Ozzy's apple. Ozzy thought Thankless Task Man said something, so Thankless Task Man asks Ozzy what it is that he said. Ozzy doesn't answer. Thankless Task Man asks Ozzy a question, but that's not allowed according to his contract, so Ozzy leaves the room without giving an answer.
Another workout uniform, another day when Ozzy sits on the couch. He tells "us" that he's always dreamed of having a studio in his home, but tht he's not "technically minded" (that joke's way too easy, so I'll leave it be), and that's why he's never had one before. I can't believe Ozzy has never had a home studio before. Lil' Romeo has a fucking home studio and Ozzy can't get some soundproofing and a wall of little levers to move up and down? Come on. Doesn't the man have a birthday once a year? Someone get Ozzy a studio! Ozzy gives us the gigantic tour of the two-room studio. He tells us that all he has to do is make two records in there and it's paid for. But if Kelly makes one, he'll have to make three more to cover it. It's kind of a two steps forward/one step back kind of thing.
Someone informs Sharon that DMX is an hour and a half late. Sharon knows that the cameras are on, so she begins repeating how much she loves DMX. He apparently told the limo driver to leave without him. "He won't come," Sharon smiles. The rest of the room agrees with Sharon, saying that DMX is infamous for not showing up, and that he skipped out on the MTV Music Awards two years in a row. Jack materializes to suggest that Sharon call DMX herself to ask where the fuck he is. Sharon says that they can go with a crew to his house and ask him where he is. She wants to know why they can't all just leave now and go do the show at DMX's house. A producer informs Sharon that they actually have a show in this very building with two hundred people and other guests. Sharon can't wait to tell Ozzy about this. The producer tells Sharon to wait until they're doing the show, and then she can call Ozzy. Sharon disobeys and calls Ozzy immediately, but there's no answer. Ever. No voicemail? Sharon says it's really weird doing the show, because she'll say something and then she'll go to get Ozzy's reaction and he's not there. I wonder if that's a normal relationship. I'll ask Stee; he's in the room. ["I'll ask Glark; he's down the hall taking a nap." -- Wing Chun]
Ozzy is showing some guy in a red shirt his studio, but won't let him touch anything.
Ozzy shows a woman the studio, while screaming to a dog that dogs are not allowed. Some of the clothes people wear to the Osbourne home -- do they not realize they're constantly getting filmed?
Ozzy's still telling the man in the red shirt not to touch anything.
Bad Outfit admires Ozzy's disco ball. Sharon! You'd better get home quick!
Red Shirt asks what a certain box is for. Ozzy tells him it's for Red Shirt to not fucking touch.
Sharon asks her staff if "L.J. Hubbard" is on the show today. Jack tells her that it's "L. Ron Hubbard." The Producer goes one step further, patiently telling Sharon that the guest's name is actually "D.L. Hughley." Man, that's funny. Jack and the producer then tell Sharon who L. Ron Hubbard was. Sharon says she was just kidding, but wants to know if she can announce on today's show that they have a special interview with L. Ron Hubbard. Final answer: No.
Ozzy loves his studio so much that he hugs a random guy from the E Street Band. Ozzy entertains the man with his new stand-up routine about Prozac. You see, you get depressed so you take a depressed pill, but then you can't fuck, so then you're depressed because you took a depressed pill that makes you not able to fuck! Look out, Eddie Griffin. "I'm suicidal now! I can't get a boner!" Ozzy says, on his feet, not noticing the light. "Try this Viagra! So you get a boner, you can't squirt!" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen and dogs. Try the fucking veal, all right? "So you're pumping away like a steam engine." The member of the E Street Band just laughed so hard he almost lost his beret. Ozzy's other friend's face appears to be melting off or something. Ozzy goes into the physical comedy portion of his routine, miming the pre-orgasm shudders. Tip your waitress and bartender, folks.
Sharon wants to call DMX on his cell phone. Sharon thinks it's funny that DMX is so late. Jack says it's because they're always late, all the time, always. The producer labels this the annoying word "Latey." Fire her! She tells Jack that Ozzy is "awesome" at being on time. Jack says it's because he has nothing to do.
"Porn!" Ozzy yells, completing his second comedy set. The gaggle of men in his studio laugh uncomfortably loud as Ozzy plays porn on a flat-screen television in the rather small room. I don't think straight guys like it when they're close enough to feel each other's arm hair while watching porn.
One of Sharon's producers has a voice that would make your skin slide off. She calls DMX. Sharon gets on the phone. For your future meetings with DMX, just know that apparently he likes to be called "X." Sharon asks where his "raggedy ass" is. She tells him she loves him and can't wait for him to get there. She tells him to put his fucking foot on his fucking accelerator. Sharon's producer says she loves it when Sharon does her gang voice: "It is so awesome. You are so black!" Sharon says she's not black at all. ScaryVoice calls Sharon a "sister." Sharon reluctantly gives her some dap.
Where are the commercials in this show? Sharon says that they'll just have to start the show on time and say that DMX might show up and if he doesn't, she'll fucking sing.
Post-commercials, Sharon repeats again that she'll sing if DMX doesn't show. She calls for Jack.
Cut to Jack in his Deathmobile. We're supposed to believe that Jack just hauled ass home, called all of his friends, and gathered with them in his bedroom to make his own dildo using a kit called "Make Your Own Dildo." Okay, when they fashioned the top of the episode after Stee and I not spending enough time together because I'm off at a crappy show, I thought it was just a funny coincidence, but this is too much, people!
The size of the "mixing bowl" these boys are using is so large it cracks me up. Also, this early in the game, I'm wondering if they're all planning on dipping their dicks into that bucket together, because that would be a different game entirely, wouldn't it? One of the canisters is labeled "Penis This Side," which I'm thinking will be the name of my first book of poetry. Hee. The kid is violently shaking the bag of powder into the mixing bowl, saying, "I've got to do it fast, within a minute." Jack asks, "A minute of what?" Hee! There's counting and a quick discussion of where this boy will whip out his willy. Jack asks if he can hold the penis cup for him. With his mouth. All of the nameless boys get involved, all huddled around Jack, saying the word "penis" a lot and then shouting things like, "Don't get it on my hand!"
Nanny is back, post-natal, and actually brings a newborn into that petri dish of toxoplasmosis.
Ozzy putters.
Someone holds Nanny Jr., complimenting his "nice, flat ears." Hell, maybe they're talking about Lola.
Ozzy putters.
Close-up on baby. Ozzy wanders in and remarks on how big the baby is getting. This is so stupid. Ozzy holds the baby and then they edit together a series of shots of people looking nervous, including the dogs, and the sound of the fussy baby. Like I'm watching Space Ghost. Ozzy invites people to see his baby -- the studio.
Ozzy shows Nanny the studio and brags that there's no dog shit in it. "Yeah, yet," Nanny says, realizing that she just left the baby in a pile of dog shit somewhere. Ozzy starts watching his flat-screen television. Nanny leaves when she sees two girls in bikinis on the screen. They edit in a girl's voice asking, "Should we take our bikinis off?" Just stop with the editing. You're not even trying. It's so obvious.
Still paging DMX. Sharon still loves him for not giving a shit about her.
As we watch yet another montage of Ozzy wandering around, Sharon tells us that Ozzy misses her when she's at the show, but that now he's got a studio to keep him busy. Are you recapping the episode at minute fifteen of a twenty-four-minute show? Is there really that much of nothing going on over there? Sharon tells us that Ozzy's about to get a motorcycle. Oh. Ozzy's also fixing to get a shattered collarbone that will keep him busy for the rest of the time Sharon's busy at work.
Ozzy gets his "chopper" from a man who gives a quick ad for his Las Vegas...choppery. Ozzy thanks the man. Someone off-camera tells Ozzy he can sit on the motorcycle, but that he can't ride it: "We don't want you to hurt yourself." I guess that girl's probably fired now. Ozzy loves how the motorcycle feels. He revs the engine. He tells the group of laughing guys that Sharon thinks he's going to kill himself on this thing. "What a way to die, guys!" Ozzy roars.
Sharon wants to wing a sketch with D.L. Hughley. This producer (is this Corinne? Can't tell without the cat ears) doesn't even want Sharon to improvise breathing. By the way, DMX still hasn't shown up.
Jack can't wait to see his friend's dick. He's giddy and banging on the door in excitement. His friend tells Jack not to rush him: "Stop talking to me." Jack twirls another phallic symbol through the air in flushed anticipation. Jack's bad-haired friend gets a cell-phone call, and for some reason we have to watch it. Jack's dildo-making friend laughs and says he had to sit down. I mean, they edit in the line he probably says about an hour later about how he had to sit down as Jack keeps twirling his light saber. Todd. That's the name of dildo-maker. Bad Hair lies to whomever's on the phone and says they're all just sitting around. "Hey, Mom, uh, can I call you back in a little bit?" Then we are forced to see Todd with a cup on his dick, giggling in the bathroom doorway. I guess if I'm not going to have to see dog shit for half an hour, I should expect something as eye-roll-inducing in return. Todd asks for a cigarette.
Sharon's backstage as they pump two lies into the editing room. One is the sound of man on a walkie-talkie saying that DMX still isn't there, but that they have to start the show. The second is the sound of the audience chanting Sharon's name.
Sharon tells the audience that they've got Tom Cruise and Mike Myers. The D.L.H.R. Puffenhughley looks terrified as Sharon says that's all bullshit. Fake walkie-talkie guy tells us again that DMX still isn't in the building.
And Ozzy's still loving his motorcycle. He offers to take the chopper team to the studio. They try to back out of the tour, but Ozzy always gets his way.
Ozzy has added another attraction to the tour: the studio. He shows chicks the chopper. It soon becomes apparent that Ozzy doesn't know how to turn on his bike, nor does he understand a word the accented chick is saying to him. Ozzy wanders around the bike, wondering how to turn it on.
Sharon flirts with D.H. Lawrence.
Oh, shit! It's X!
Sharon's stalling with D.W. Griffin.
X is getting closer!
D.B. Sweeney tells Sharon that funniness, talent, and smarts don't necessarily run in the family. She knows, D. Have you met Jack?
DMX just walks out on stage, "unannounced," and the audience screams. You can tell it's totally random and unpredictable by the spontaneous use of the fog machine behind them. That only happens when people are surprised. Then for no reason at all everything goes into slow motion -- Sharon and D.C. Talk are clapping, the audience is on their feet, DMX is grumpy, and Sharon triumphantly lowers her head like she's gonna fucking make it in this crazy world after all. I think DMX might have come onstage with Ali G.
Ozzy can't figure out how to start his bike. Everybody else is under strict orders not to help him turn the thing on. Well, it's back to puttering for Ozzy if he can't figure this out. He says they never gave him a key for this thing. Ozzy takes another person on the Studio Tour.
Todd the Dildo is smoking a cigarette, still holding a cup to his dick. He doesn't have to do it for the mold anymore -- now he just likes the way it feels. Jack can't take it anymore, and must do something to Todd's dick. We don't see what it is, but I can assume that he yanked on the cup, dying to see the flesh inside, causing Todd to scream in pain and then punch Jack, who rolls on the ground in ecstasy because a boy holding his dick just touched his arm. Oh, God! When it's good, it's good. Mmm. Jack can't believe how wonderful his fucking life can be sometimes. Not only did a boy holding his dick just touch him, but another boy was watching. Sometimes it's so good, it's unfair! Jack is giggling, hyperventilating, as he takes his large phallic symbol and hits Todd with it repeatedly. Then he asks Todd what it feels like. "Whoa," Jack says as he sees the dick mold off camera. "Dude, you just touched his cock," says Bad Hair. Jack giggles himself into orgasm. We watch Jack insert his large phallic symbol into the blurred dildo mold as the boys decide to "make the other one." This is Jack's favorite day ever!
Sharon wants her husband. She can't find him. She finds Ozzy camped out on a couch somewhere. "I miss you so much!" she says as she hugs him.
Sleepy Kelly wanders into Jack's room. Jack asks if she wants to watch the midget porn he found on the internet. She says she doesn't, but stays there while he pulls it up and watches it. Jack shouts, "Yeah!" Kelly tells him to "click that off" because it's disgusting and he shouldn't be watching it. She says while watching it. Jack says he's eighteen and can do whatever he wants.
Sharon, wearing a dog blanket, tells Ozzy it's so good to be back home.
Jack's gang of idiots waggle the dildo at Kelly. Jack realizes that this is his time to get his sister back...by smacking her with his friends' dick.
Then there's a terrible mish-mash of editing to make it look like Sharon's night is ruined by Kelly's one scream looped over and over, while the dogs jump down and Ozzy looks confused and Jack screams Kelly's name and boys laugh from somewhere. Then it's just over and the boys walk back to their room quietly and Sharon's covered in dogs again, smiling. What is the point of little segments like that? Is it supposed to make us laugh, or is it to make us wonder if this show is now like the farm team for other shows? Once you start out on The Osbournes, learning how not to edit a segment, then you get to graduate to...Made or something.
Ozzy dances and makes a smoothie. Sharon has dogs. Apparently Ozzy makes a smoothie for the hour and a half. A smoothie with rum. Sharon makes him turn off the blender. Ozzy guns it a few more times and then leaves it running. Ozzy asks Sharon if she'd like to come see his studio. "Never in a million years," she says.
week: Ozzy loses a ring. And the week after that: Jack orders a pizza. Then: Kelly buys new shoelaces. And finally: Sharon moisturizes! I am breathless.